No Weigh...

It's May 10th and I've not stepped on the scale yet this month.

Which was the goal. No Weigh May.

But it's been a lot harder than I had thought it would be. 

I had to move the scale from it's normal spot so I wouldn't just step on it by habit. Then I had to move it even further back into a cubby hole so I wouldn't be tempted to step on it. Even though I would bet you dollars to donuts my weight is in the same 3 pound range it's been in since we came home from Hawaii. But I still feel a little itchy that I don't KNOW.

And it's such a weird thing. I don't need to know my weight to function in the world. I never have to tell someone my weight likes it's a secret code to open a door.

I do know that it can determine my mood negatively or positively for no real reason at all. Which is why I decided to stop doing it in the first place. So I shouldn't even be tempted to step on that scale.

And yet, here we are. 

Funny to think that not doing something is going to be my biggest goal challenge yet. 

But for now, as of May 10th I have not stepped on the scale. I'm hoping by the end of the month it will be like Dry July last year and just have taken hold. No Weigh May back for a repeat June engagement! 

Maybe. 

But maybe not. I might jump right back on June 1st and I'm trying to make sure I'm okay either way. No matter what feels like the right thing to do that will be okay. 

I have years of disordered eating and body image issues that are probably never going to fully resolve. I'm better than I was, but mostly only because I know that I have issues now. Not knowing and just falling into destructive patterns is really easy. Knowing that you have destructive patterns you can either recognize when they start or you can tell other people that you need help for when they start and you aren't noticing. 

But I have reconciled myself to knowing that I'm probably never going to love the way I look. Or not feel like I need to lose just X number of pounds to really be okay. Or that I won't think some foods are good and some are bad. I try. I really do, but it's been ingrained into the very heart of who I am so it's always lurking. 

And that's okay. 

I just need to be aware. I need to recognize when the spiral is about to happen. And I need to be aware enough to throw a monkey wrench into the gears before they really get turning. 

Like No Weigh May. 

Stop the spiral before it takes hold. 

Even if now I feel like I'm a little adrift that's better than being carried away without realizing it. 

Or at least that's what I'm telling myself instead of stepping on the scale. 

Twenty more days to go.