2024 Out the Door...

 And that's a wrap on Blogger

Compartmentalize...

 A few more days...

Squishy Time...

 Almost to the end of these click throughs.

Making It Harder...

 Math, man...math...

Adjustments to Make...

 More 2025 preplanning type stuff.

Unpopular Opinion...

 Only another week of these dual links. 

Looking Ahead...

 Talking Goals

All Good Things...

 I know this seems weird, to just link the other, but I want to get a clean number for the end of this year on this site. It would bug my brain if I didn't. So...

All Good Things.

Not Really Talking About It...

 Not Really Talking About It

Dear ABC

 Dear ABC 

Ish Then...

Okay, after all of the back and forth in my head I've finally decided. I'm not leaving Facebook. Ish. I mean I'm leaving Facebook. Ish. I'm totally ishing.

The Terms and Services changes saying they can use my posts in perpetuity really bothers me. So clearly I cannot stay.

But the majority of my social circle is there. So clearly I cannot leave.

The Terms and Services changes saying that this is the last time you have a choice in being notified of changes and leaving really bothers me. So clearly I cannot stay.

But there are companies that I deal with who have moved almost their entire customer service department to Facebook messenger. So clearly I cannot leave.

Zuck has shown that he will not be any sort of bulwark against the onslaught of mis and dis information coming from the new regime. He's already bent the knee and shown his belly. So clearly I cannot stay.

But I have family that I only "see" on Facebook or Instagram. There are grands growing up that this is the place where pictures and stories are shared. I have family members who would never think to send a text or a letter but do occasionally post about new things in their lives. I would miss all of that. So clearly I cannot leave.

I have friends who are the same way. Some of them have migrated to Bluesky, but aren't as active. And as they aren't leaving Facebook or Instagram they never will be. Some of them live in different countries, or different time zones, or just different circadian rhythms, so connecting in real time is hard. Back and forth writing to be read when we are each awake works. Messenger works for that. So clearly I cannot leave.

My child is trans. I don't have a single picture of her growing up on display in my house. It causes her discomfort to see that little boy looking out at her. She doesn't feel connected to him at all. That's not who she is. But I have different memories of those times. I have a different experience. And on my On This Day page I get to see some of those things. Privately. Just for me. Without hurting her feelings. So clearly I cannot leave.

I have friends and family members who used to be on Facebook or Instagram who aren't anymore. Either by making the choice to leave, or because they are no longer living. I have memories that come up with those people on my On This Day feed. Or under pictures when I go back and look at them. As soon as I delete my Facebook page those are gone. So clearly I cannot leave.

As you can see the clearly I cannot leaves started to overtake the clearly I cannot stays. But it still doesn't feel right to stay. I will say that. I actually hate that I feel tied to the product in the way that I am. It's like tangle weed. The more you struggle the worse it gets.

I tried really hard to make it okay in my head to go. People will either follow me to Bluesky or won't. People will either text or they won't. As far as people who are gone? Well that's a normal part of life, isn't it? We lose friends and family all the time. And when we lose them we lose those old conversations. If we are lucky maybe we have a letter or two, we have a couple from Brent's dad that I treasure. But most of the time we don't.

I don't have any letters or notes from my parents. I have my dad's ring and one of his belt buckles, and his voice in my head telling me how to fix things. I have a few of my mother's owls and her voice in my head and her face in my mirror. We have all of Ann's patient records so I guess if we wanted to break her confidentiality we could go read those. We did see her patient notes on one client and it was pure Ann even as a therapist.

I go between begin grateful that I have the things on Facebook that I have and being resentful that the person/company that owns it is so gross. And it's my fault really. Not that he's gross. That's on him. But that I went along with it all. I even would post about it, free products aren't free. If you aren't being charged for a product you are the product. And I didn't really care. I didn't care that they were advertising to me. I've even bought things from those ads and been happy with them.

But each step in was a warning that I did not heed.

And now I'm a frog in a hot tub choosing to stay there.

Ish.

The ish is that I will not be deleting my accounts. But I won't be posting on them either. At least for now. I might change my mind later, but for now I will keep my posting to Bluesky. I do believe that anything that is on there right now Meta has already mined for whatever they want. I don't trust them or believe them that they will only start on January 1, 2025 after I log in for the first time.

The ish is that I will be using it only to keep up with friends and family and commenting on their things. Using messenger as needed to keep up with them. But my posting will be elsewhere. My new things will be elsewhere. If people want to see what's going on in my life they can follow me there, or read about it here.

Which should, after all this time, actually do that thing I keep trying to do, and reduce my time online. Bluesky is quieter right now. I imagine it will stay that way. Habits are hard to break. And most people don't give a rat's ass about what Facebook will do with their data. Nobody feels important enough for it to matter. And we aren't. Not individually. It's what they can do with large amounts of data from large groups of people that is more worrisome. But... ish.

Facebook has me trapped in a cage I built myself. With posts, photos, conversations, memories. I just can't bring myself to destroy what I've built.

Ish.

But the blog will live here Ghost now, it's honestly a better solution and I should have moved it ages ago. New posts, mostly cat pictures because that's my life, will be on Bluesky.

I'm not leaving.

I'm leaving.

Ish.

Starting Over...

 How's this for a neat trick?

Starting Over

Let me know if it worked. 

Untangling...

I am a creature of habit. Trying to untangle myself from Meta is proving to be more of a challenge everyday. 

I thought I found a way to give blog notifications through this site only to discover that it will only send them to 10 people and, I know I was shocked too, more than 10 people said I want you to send this to me when I posted about it on Facebook. 

So now I'm looking (again) at migrating everything to a different site. Substack is the one everyone uses but Katie has asked me not to. There are some Nazi and anti trans pockets there. I read a few great writers on Substack, and I don't condemn them using it, but I don't go wandering around the site looking for other things. I think every single hosting site has these issues. But when your child says please don't, you don't. 

The challenge is other hosting sites aren't free. Substack is free for the writer unless you monetize your site, then it takes a percentage of that. I don't think I'd ever have a cause to monetize so it would work for that. But again, off the table.

So Ghost io is the one she found for me that has fewer issues. One of the reasons is that it's not free. You are less likely to want to post hate if you actually have to pay for it, right? But my cheap ass is like, wait, I've never paid to post my blog before, now I would have to pay? What? But honestly, of course I should probably have to pay. I mean Blogger has been hosting for free for years. And I understand that part of that is because it's tied to my Google account and so they mine everything I do for advertisers. Google makes plenty of money off of me.

Starting new things is always overwhelming. That's part of it too, I know that. Looking at an unfamiliar layout, trying to figure out how to make it work. But I did copy and paste yesterday's post and sent it out into the world and it worked so that's a good start.

Also have been switching to posting on Bluesky instead of Facebook or Instagram (except for the posts working out how to leave Facebook and letting people know where to find me). That's also different. Not as many people there so it's not as big of a time suck, I will say that. But not as many people there so it's not as interactive. Thus less of a time suck.

It's funny, when Facebook was just starting to hit the mainstream, moving away from just college kids, I had zero urge to use it. All the younger girls in the office had it, from when they were in school, and kept telling me I needed it. I just didn't see that I did. Then when I opened my massage studio Brent set me up a Facebook page for it and a personal one. He thought I should blog about massage as a way to gain clientele. 

That didn't happen, but my personal page started to grow. I was working from home handling the transfer of KFC to the new agency and running my massage studio out of the basement. No co-workers. Katie at school, Brent at work. It was boring. Facebook, and especially the old boards for Mousehunt, gave me a place to socialize. And then I never looked back. 

My massage blog went away, George got his own page, then I set up Totally Random But and it got a page. For along time the joke was how much faster George's page grew than my blog page. But the internet is for cats so what did I expect? After George passed I kept his page up and running for awhile until it really started to bug me that new people were following it even though the first post was about how he died. It seemed really morbid to me. And you know if I think what you are doing is morbid, it's pretty fucking morbid. 

But it's been like sixteen years. 

I'm still not sure I'm leaving. I know I'm limiting my use, no matter what happens. I know I'm figuring out how to change my blog notifications, the censoring really bugged me. But I'm not sure I want to walk away from the people on Facebook who aren't moving to Bluesky. I might change to posting only on Bluesky and Facebook can have all of my old stuff but nothing new. Considering I don't believe for a moment they haven't already helped themselves to all of that. But it would change my usage there to checking in on friends, commenting on their things but not posting anything myself. 

And this is the trap that we are all in. How important is that community to you? Can you replace it somewhere else? Can you move it to real life or to a new online space? For me the challenge is that my community is world wide. And even the people that aren't in another country are all over this one. And it's a big country. 

I'm still figuring it out. And I know the clock is ticking. 

It's funny to me...I built my community through Mousehunt while the whole time Facebook built a better mousetrap, and now I'm stuck. 

Squeak. 

Dear Nancy Mace....

Dear Nancy Mace,

I see you. Bathroom warrior. Protector of women. Endless searcher of a new microphone from which to shout about your fears. About your concerns.

And I understand you.

I have those fears as well.

When my daughter excuses herself from the restaurant table to go to the bathroom and my first instinct is to ask if she wants me to go with her. This, of course, is met with the eye roll that only a daughter can give to her mother. And I know, she's a grown adult woman. She doesn't need me there holding the door. But...

I listen the whole time she's gone. One ear to the conversation at the table, one ear toward the bathrooms. Is that a shout? Is that a thump? I watch as people make their way around the restaurant. Is he a threat? Is he? How about her? Could she not be as safe as she looks?

I worry when we travel. I worry more when she travels on her own. When she and her girlfriends go to the beach for a quick summer vacation. I worry knowing she'll be stopping at gas stations and rest stops and who will be waiting in the bathroom for her? 

I understand that you are afraid. 

I'm afraid too. 

I'm afraid that a white woman with a national stage will announce that somehow where someone pees is a threat to the safety of white women everywhere. She might even cry a little. Look sad. Let one tear go down her cheek as she talks about being a sexual assault survivor. Protect me at all costs, that one tear says. 

But nobody asks if it was a trans woman who assaulted you. We don't need to because we know it wasn't. And yet...that tear. That don't question me armor you just put up...that target you just tied to the backs of women who are just looking for a place to pee.

You are the danger my child faces.

You and your hate and your microphone and your call to arms. 

I understand you. I see you. 

You're afraid of irrelevance and so you make your life about hurting others.
You're afraid if you actually had to have legislative accomplishments you'd never keep your job.
You're afraid that you aren't actually good enough. 

I see you.

I understand you.

I just don't like you. 

Signed, 
A mother who is afraid for her child.

Grief Response...

A week ago or so a friend posted a meme that basically said they weren't prepared for how much of your adult life is spent grieving. 

You grieve for those who have died. You grieve for relationships that have ended. You grieve for pets you've lost. You grieve for paths you didn't take, for jobs you've lost. You grieve for opportunities that you either didn't take or that you thought you'd have but didn't.

Nobody talks about the grief. 

Last week I finally decided that yeah, the new terms and services agreement from Meta was more than I was willing to accept. There are three parts to it that bother me. The first is that they control your data forever. They can use it to train AI (written and photo), they can use it in advertising, they can use it however they want to. And, I'll be honest, I think they've already been using my things to train AI. They have to have been. Part of it has been in the open, when you see a summary of comments on a public post, that's AI reading everything and processing it. It's the forever part that bugs me. Because it's paired with the next change. And that's that they can change the rules of interaction at any point and not give you the option to opt out. Your choice ends January 1 as soon as you log in. For ever. 

So if they decide that what they want to do is let tech bros go crazy with replicating AI versions of any user they choose they can. Is that going to happen? Probably not. But could you stop it if it did? Not if Meta decides that it's okay. 

I've had posts go out into the wild and live their own lives. I don't have my settings open to the public so when I make a long Facebook ranty post it's not unheard of for a friend to copy and paste it on to their status. By the way, I LOVE when that happens. Writers long to be read. But that being said I have had the weird thing happen where someone shared a post with me saying, "oh my gosh, this sounds like something you would write!" and well, that's because it was. But it had been copied and pasted and copied and pasted and shared and eventually the person posting it was like, yeah, I'll take credit for these words as if I wrote them, and either my name or the "a friend of mine" part has been lopped off. So I know that it's not completely out of the realm of possibility to see an AI version of my words out there. 

And though I've given up the dream of ever making a living by writing, I still want the credit for what I've written. Because I wrote it. I created it. I formed it. The idea of an AI generated world of words really disturbs me. I get that there are no new stories ever really, just reworkings and retellings of themes, but I don't want to live in a world where that is literally true. Reworked and retold versions of everything that has come before. No new spin, because AI cannot spin. 

And the third part is how quickly they bent the knee to Trump. Ran to Mar-a-Lago and said be nice to me and I'll let you post whatever you want! Who needs truth? We have versions of truth that you can pick and choose from, but we promise to push your version the most! What do you say? Are we buds now? 

As most of you know I had a blog censored during the last election cycle. Posted it to my Totally Random Page on Facebook and got the notice that it had been taken down because it was obviously posted for likes. Um..well, isn't that the point on Facebook? To get likes? If you don't want people posting for those clicks then take it away as an option. And I had a friend tell me it was because the link was in the body of the message and they don't like that anymore so put it in the comments. Which I have started doing. But...again, I always put the link in the body of the message and the only one they took down was a political one. A week before the election. Pro Harris, obviously. 

So it made me give some side eye. 

Because I already believe that this idea that the MSM and social media platforms are liberal is nonsense. They are driven by profit and political ideology always takes a back seat to greed. But greed is more easily fed through unregulated industry. So they tend to favor the republicans, not because they care about the christofascist traits, but because they care about draining every dime they can out of the christofasicsts and the rest of us. Capitalism is their religion, their political affiliation, their life. And they will protect their profits at all cost to us. 

You don't get to own an island or try to colonize Mars by caring about other people. 

So I decided that was it for me. I would download what I could and then delete my Facebook and Instagram and Threads accounts. It's been a long time coming. You all know I've gone back and forth about it for years. But it's always been a case of I think it's bad for me, not just I think it's bad. 

I am sure this will surprise you, but I can be fairly rigid about things and people. Once I've decided that they are "bad" I'm done with them. It's sometimes a little hit or miss what I will and won't tolerate, a lot has to do with when the offense happened, how direct of a line of offense it is, and if I am somehow supporting continuing harm by ignoring it. (And yes, I was being facetious, I know you all know I can be really rigid) So this stopped being about me and my use or overuse of a product and about them and what I think they are doing with my data and what I think they are doing with their product and new loyalty to Trump. 

Easy enough. 

But then...

This is where it gets tricky. Where they have me by the short and curlies so to speak. 

My social life is online. Like the majority of my interactions with people are online. I'm an introvert. Sitting face to face with someone makes me uncomfortable. And I spend days afterwards regretting something I said, or the fact that I talked for four hours and kept them from enjoying the rest of their day. If it's a group, a large group where I have to be social? Oh my gosh, I need a quiet room and soft lighting for a week to recharge. But online? Online I play an extrovert. I am social. I read everything everyone posts. I like things. I comment. I converse. I'm GREAT online. (To the point where people are shocked that I'm such a dud in real life)

I've been on Facebook for something like 16 years. I've never held a job for that long. I've never had a social circle that has been that stable for that long. I've cultivated it with people from my past mingling with people I've never met face to face. I've got friends online at all times of the day because they live in all parts of the world. And yes, before Meta became an ad factory it was easier to connect, but I still can. There are still enough of us here that it's still lovely. Mostly. And when it's not I just leave that person's party. 

I started looking at messaging apps because once I leave Facebook I'm losing access to Messenger as well. What's App seems like it will work but it's also own by Meta so there is that problem. If I could get everyone to download Signal that would be great, I can't send you a message from Signal if you don't have Signal yourself. So that's been a challenge. International messages is what I'm looking for here. 

So challenges but it will all work out. Especially if I can get everyone on Bluesky. 

And then...

The grip tightened. 

My On This Day feed. 

And the grief part from the beginning of this very long blog gets revisited. 

I've lost friends and family in the 16 years since I joined Facebook. Friends and family that were on Facebook while they were alive. And so when I'm looking at a post from years past there they are. Commenting. Telling a joke, posting a picture. Being there. My memories of the them. I get to see them again and again. They live on online. 

Even today there was a picture of George that popped up. Now I have that picture in my files, sure, but I don't have the caption, what was happening at that moment. I don't have the reactions to that post. I lose that as soon as I delete my data.

I lose the posts from friends. I lose the comments and conversations. I lose all of it. And for a few of those posts the people in them aren't coming back. They won't be on Bluesky or in my messages. They are gone. This is the only place they still exist. 

I have a few days to decide if I can do it. Push that button and let all of that go. 

Nobody warns you how much of your adult life is spent grieving. 

Last Push...

November wrap up and December look forward!

November was another fast one. Which isn't surprising. I've talked about how this is the downhill portion of the year. And with Brent on sabbatical for the full month and the Disney trip in there it was a fast month. And a surreal one. 

I talked in October about how difficult doing my Thirty Days of Thanks was in 2016 and that if we had a repeat it would be impossible. Well, it wasn't impossible but it for sure wasn't easy. It's hard to be thankful when you are feeling so resentful. Which is, of course, part of the reason for doing things like Daily Gratitude and Thirty Days of Thanks. They are attitude shifters. Focus changers. It's hard to hold on to anger and joy at the same time. Hard to hold resentment and gratitude in the same hand. 

Which is why I held them in different hands. But I still held on to both. 

There is going to be a part of me that is angry until/unless we break out of this spiral. I'm not interested in reconciliation. I'm not interested in seeing it their way. I view it as that part of the voting population committed the offense, so why should the part that I'm in be expected to patch it over? If someone wrongs you, you are under zero obligation to patch things up with them. Zero. 

So..yeah...the Thirty Days of Thanks was a challenge. But I did it. 

That's kind of how large parts of November felt. Challenging but I did it.

Workout went well. Kept on track with weights and cardio. The Disney trip we walked around 10 miles each day so even the buried in churros portion didn't really cause a weight challenge. Apparently you can eat like that if you are constantly on the move. And to be fair, we snacked a lot, but we snacked as our lunch and dinner. We didn't eat like that AND have full meals. So as irresponsible as it looked, and it was, it wasn't as bad as it could have been. And totally worth it. 

Speaking of weight and fitness, I get my thyroid retested in a couple of weeks so I will know where that stands. Also have an appointment with a new gyno at the end of the month so I'll talk to them about my hormone treatments as well. Getting those last minute medical things checked off right before we reset our deductible for the new year. 

Reading, I need to finish four books by the end of the year to meet the goal I set. Not going to be a problem. 

Writing, I've talked about that, figured out how many fiction pieces I need to write to meet last year's super productivity. I think I'll be able to do it. Not positive, TFG winning the election did put a bit of a crimp in my creative flow, but I'm working through it. 

I did Picture of the Day even though the prompts never did grab me. This month a few of them look fun, Christmas themed mostly, so I'll probably wrap the year up with that. 

Starting to think of what I want to do next year and I wrote a little about that already. It's a challenge. I'm also looking at seeing if I can get everything transferred off of Facebook before the T&Cs change January 1 and they start using all of your stuff to train AI. And own the rights to use all of your stuff in perpetuity. I'm trying to decide right now how big of a deal that is to me. Zuck going to Mar A Lago to kiss the ring is making it seem like bailing is the right choice, for sure. 

Katie gave me the name of a blog hosting site (Substack is convenient but has a neo Nazi and Anti Trans problem so she's asked that I not use it) that I might switch to instead of posting here and then on Facebook. It would be like Substack in that if you want my blog you sign up and it shows up in your inbox. I'm thinking I might make the switch. 

So December will be a big thinking month. What changes do I want to make for 2025? What goals do I want to set? What do I need to do to wrap up the ones I set for 2024? How do I make sure to hold on to the gratitude and joy in my life while my country crashes? 

Oh and also I will be bummed when Brent's sabbatical ends and the reality of him not taking the retirement package really hits. 

Merry? Christmas to us all...

We'll work on it. 

What Do You Think Of Yourself?

I got blocked on Facebook this week. 

To be fair I told the person who blocked me "Fuck you" and unfriended them first, but still, I thought it was funny that I then got blocked. 

And it's not the first time someone has blocked me after I've unfriended them. I always wonder what the point is. Is it a way of getting the last word? Is it a way of claiming some sort of power in the situation? Like if you unfriend someone you can always send a friend request later, but if they block you only they can lift the block. It makes me wonder what's going through their head when they do it. 

It made me think of when Corrie and I were driving in to Toronto a few years ago. We were going to meet people that neither of us had ever met face to face. To be fair we had only met each other face to face that day. But anyway...we were driving in to Toronto and Corrie said, "I hope everyone likes me." I laughed because I was thinking, "I hope I like everyone." 

It summed up our ways of looking at the world. I, and I know this sounds harsh, but I could give a shit if you like me or don't. I know I'm not everyone's cup of tea. I am a strong cup of coffee and it's best that the people around me realize that. For the coffee lovers I can be exactly what you need; I can be a little bitter and somewhat of a jolt. But I won't ever be tea, I'll always be coffee and it's just best that the tea lovers realize that and move along to a different cup. 

I am who I am. 

It's nice to be liked, but I am past the point of trying to fit in to make it happen. 

Corrie is probably at this point now. This was about 15 years ago and that sort of Fuck 'em if they don't like me, attitude tends to come with age for most people. Some of us it comes earlier, but it almost always comes for everyone eventually.

So why did getting blocked make me think of that drive into Toronto? 

Because I decided that they blocked me because we have so many mutual friends it would be awful for them to see me making hilarious comments on those posts and know that I don't speak to them anymore. It would be too painful to them to realize that they fucked up having me in their life so they have to pretend I don't exist anymore. It's really the only thing that makes sense. 

Because I'm fucking hilarious and to miss that...well that would be a real shame. 

Tea drinkers, am I right?

Things That Help...

Remember how I talked about how we kept some of the things from the pandemic? 

Today I was able to attend a funeral through an online feed. That's pandemic carry forward. When people were dying in large numbers and we also were not able to join together for things like funerals. Virtual funerals were held. 

When my mother died my niece held up her phone on a video call for one of my nephews to see what was happening. That was pre pandemic. We would never have thought to set up a live stream, or a zoom call, or Microsoft meetings, or any of the tools we all use now fairly regularly to connect with others. Either for work, or socially. It was just an "old fashioned" video call. And there were people there who thought it was the weirdest thing, and a few who thought it was disrespectful. But it was the only way he could attend so they made it happen. 

I attended a few funerals virtually during the pandemic. And a few remembrances. Things that weren't the funeral, more like the wake. And as the time went on we all figured out how to make them work. The first one was a zoom call very early on, and it was a bit of a mess. I'd never done a zoom call, and a few others hadn't either. This was our first exposure to the way people had been having work meetings for the past few months. It was challenging, but we figured it out. 

Today all I had to do was click a link from the funeral home and there was a camera set up for viewing, and microphones set up to hear the proceedings. 

I'm glad that the option was there. If it hadn't been I would not have flown in for the funeral. I was friends with the deceased but we weren't close friends. We were friendly, a touch more than acquaintances. He made a difference in my life, I was grateful for the help he offered, and for the silly jokes we shared. But my presence wouldn't have meant much to his family, I don't think. In the "before times" my name would have been one on a condolence card where they asked themselves, do you know her? And at some point maybe a mutual acquaintance would say, oh yeah that's...

But instead I could attend the funeral, stand at the back, say my goodbyes, and leave quietly. 

Funerals aren't for the dead, they are for the living. And I was glad to get a chance to hear his family speak. To listen to people who loved him describe the person that I thought I knew. To smile at the music choices and the reading that meant something to him. (Nine Inch Nails, a passage from Ready Player One, and Guns N' Roses) I was glad to have a chance to say goodbye. 

But all that being said, I am not having a funeral. 

I don't want to put Brent though it. It wouldn't mean anything to me, and I know it would be overwhelming to him. Most of my friends are scattered across the country, and a few across the world. They could do a livestream, like today, but even that would be a lot for Brent to deal with during a time when you don't want to deal with anything. 

I've told people, and I'm telling you now, to honor me I want you to lift a glass and toast my shoe and boot collection. Mention how young and thin I always looked. Talk about a moment where I made you laugh at something completely inappropriate to laugh at. And then say goodbye. Those are my wishes. 

So sad day for me, but nothing like what his family and close friends are experiencing. And also a grateful moment for me that I could be there, without being there. 

Rest in peace, gentle soul, love to your wife, to your children, to your siblings and parents. May they find moments of calm in the storm that they have been hit with.

Goals Schmoals...

Okay, maybe not but...

I'm having a hard time thinking of what I want to focus on next year. A large part of that is that I am not optimistic for the future. Not in a I'm having a depressive swing way, but in a I think the world as we know it is not going to last. 

Everything that Trump campaigned on doing, all of the things that people and the media tried to sanewash away, or he didn't do it last time justify, he's putting in motion to do. He's announced tariffs on China, Mexico and Canada so absolutely everything we buy is going to go up in price. He's putting Project 2025 Heritage Foundation Religious Extremists in to positions of power. He's going to have all three branches of the government under his thumb so there will be no restraints on him. 

I know it's going to be bad. I just don't know exactly how bad just yet. 

I told Brent this morning I've given up on the idea that I want to live to be 100. That's always been my end goal. The goal to rule over all of the other goals. But I think if Social Security and Medicare are destroyed there is no way to afford to live to be 100. I think if we destroy the environment at an accelerated pace there is no way to survive to be 100. I think once the billionaire class has stripped everything of value out of the United States, which is what they are being set up to do, there will be no desire to live to be 100. 

I also know that over the next stretch parts of my head will just normalize all of what is going on. We all will to a certain extent. It's the only way to make it through things like this.

Look at what we did during the pandemic. How quickly it got to be normal to stay inside most of the time. To grab a mask before you went inside a store. Or to the doctor. Ordering groceries online. Making substitutions on the fly for things that weren't available. We all adjusted pretty quickly. We adjusted so well we even kept some of those changes after we didn't need them anymore.

It's a survival mechanism. That adjusting thing. 

So I know that we will normalize and adjust as well as we can. Though I think part of it this time is going to be willfully ignoring as much as possible. I just don't think my system can handle the stress of paying attention all of the time. 

Like I said, I'm not optimistic about the future.

I'm not optimistic about the survival of our democracy.
I'm not optimistic about the survival of a free world. 
I'm not optimistic about the future in general.

So I'm having a hard time thinking about what little goals I want to set for next year. I know I need them to keep my head from spinning but what do you work on when you are pretty sure nothing really matters anymore?

And I know, I know it sounds like I'm in a depressive spiral, but I assure you I'm not. It's not that I feel like there is nothing out there for me, it's that I feel like what we've all just assumed will be there for all of us is going away. That the structures and systems we rely on are going to be torn apart. Because that's what that group has said they want to do do. To blow up the whole system. To take what they can for themselves and fuck everyone else. If you aren't rich it's because you aren't worthy so fuck you...

It's like pessimistic realism instead of depression. 

I don't know how bad it will be or how quickly it will get there, but I know it's going to be bad and I'm not sure we recover. 

So that's what I'm trying to push out of my head while I think about what 2025 might be for me personally. What I want to do for me and my head alone. 

The one thing I can say is that I have firmly decided NOT to do the half marathon. If the Maleficent medal was for the 10K race I would do it. But I just don't want to run a half marathon. Training for it sounds like the worst possible way to spend the next few months. About an hour is the longest I want to run/walk at a stretch. After doing like 10 miles each day wandering around the parks I told Brent imagine adding 3 more miles to this, and trying to get it all done in less than 3 hours. Yeah...no. 

I'm a slow jogger. I like being a slow jogger. I still get enjoyment out of the workout doing it that way. Upping it to a half marathon, I think, would squash that. 

And I think that's going to be the focus of any goal I set next year, how does this bring me joy or peace? 

Reading, writing, working out, those all bring me joy or peace in some way. As long as I set them up in realistic amounts. 

The world is going to be shitty. Let's not add things to that voluntarily. 

So those will be the goals. Or the goal theme. 

Let's make our own worlds, our pockets of the world, as pleasant as possible. 

Now I just have to decide on specifics. 

First: NO half marathons

Sabbatical Trip #2...

Trip #2 (what was supposed to be #3 before we got slimed) is in the books. 

Hawaii was a little disappointing, or as disappointing as Hawaii can be because it's still Hawaii. How was Disneyland?

It was great. 

Because it's Disneyland. 

And Disney at the holidays is amazing. And I mean pretty much any holiday. Easter is probably the most underwhelming, but even Easter has hidden Disney character eggs around the park you can look for and some pretty springtime decorations. The Fourth of July fireworks are incredible, above and beyond their normal fireworks which are pretty spectacular. 

But Halloween and Christmas are next level. The amount of detail they put into the decorations is amazing. The special events and showcases are fun. Christmas takes the edge because to really enjoy Halloween to the fullest you need to do the Oogie Boogie Bash and that's an extra ticket and a limited amount of time. Christmas is all day, everyday, with bonus extras in the fireworks and World of Color shows. 

We went this week because it's the first full week of Christmas being open, and also the lowest attendance levels. We've been closer to Christmas and holy smokes it was packed, like close the parks because they've reached capacity packed. This week was busy, and each day closer to the weekend was busier than the day before, but crowded to really crowded instead of you are going where this crowd moves you crowded. 

I've written before about one of the things I love about Disneyland is that every type of person goes to Disney. Goths and girlies. Families and singles. Disney adults and Disney toddlers. Families, like the WHOLE family, grandparents, aunts, uncles, all the kids. Nothing makes me smile more than seeing a fully tatted, pierced, over dyed black hair, combat boot wearing, person wearing a Disney t-shirt waiting in line for Pirates. Or Soaring. Or Toy Story Mania. I just love the contrast. 

I wear my Disney stuff, of course. Old school Disney merch, or my Maleficent collection. Brent has a few things as well. Because it makes me smile. It's like a rock concert where you wear the t-shirt from their last tour. Or going to a sporting event and wearing the team jersey. You are marking yourself as a fan. I wear my Disney stuff outside of the park as well. It makes me happy, and if it's a Maleficent t-shirt gives Brent a heads up on my mood. 

Before we left Brent said, "I wonder how many MAGAs we will see?" I told him I wasn't sure, but maybe they wouldn't wear the stuff because it's Disney, he said, "It for sure won't be zero."

Waiting in line to play Toy Story Mania and he leans in ands say, "I told you. Whole family." I look over and across the line from us is a family, Dad, the two older boys, the younger kids (boy and girl twins) are all in Trump shirts. Mom is in a Disney sweatshirt, but the rest of them wearing the stuff you see in pictures from his rallies and think...surely this cannot be something they really wear? The (guessing) 15 year old boy was wearing a shirt with a much thinner than he really is Trump standing in front of the White House with "Daddy's Home" printed on it. The 17 or 18 year old boy was wearing one with multiple pictures of Trump on a horse (thankfully not shirtless like Putin but, I mean, they know that's what it's supposed to be like right?) The Dad's was a list of grievances on the back with Trump Will Fix it! with Trump holding a hammer on the front. I couldn't see what the younger kids' were exactly, just could make out the hair. 

Now you know when they picked out their shirts it was to get a reaction. They were going to own the libs for sure. Trigger some snowflakes. Drink some liberal tears. And I'm not sure what their whole day was like, I know they got more than a few eye rolls in line (more than just from me) but nothing else. If that's all they got all day I bet they were really disappointed. Because they want a reaction. There is no joy in the win for them. It's your loss that they savor. It always feels like they don't actually know what they want, they just know they don't want you to have something. 

Heather Cox Richardson just wrote an update that showed that people now think the economy is better. A few weeks after the election, no change in administrations, but now it's better. Why? Because they aren't constantly being told how lousy it is. Because the republicans know that they want people to think it's great starting the end of January so they need to lay the groundwork. They can't steal credit for the positive outcomes if they don't start now. 

But I know that even before that people were saying they were so worried, but a good amount of people were not. How do I know? Because we just went to Hawaii and Disneyland and we weren't there by ourselves. Now, for sure, it's possible that everyone paid for Hawaii on points and miles like we did, but it's not plausible. And Disney? They don't play that shit, you are paying for their stuff with cash. Sure the flight you can do on miles, but park tickets? No, no thank you, that's real money. And if you stay in a hotel at the park, not one of the ones close to the park, you aren't using points either. And the Grand Californian was full.

And none of that is cheap. And if you are worried about putting food on the table you don't take trips like that. 

Brent and I both have had to travel for work during lean economic times and airports were not full of families, it was business travellers. Hotels were not bustling with kids at the pool, it was strictly conferences. If you really are struggling, you don't do extras. And when the country is really struggling tourism suffers. 

Are some people struggling? Sure. Absolutely. But is paying more at the grocery store slowing down major purchases for a large chunk of the population? Apparently not. The country is not struggling. That is the difference. And now that the election is over you won't hear as much about it at all. Except for maybe a few people who seem to think that they will be better off under the billionaire brigade. 

We aren't sure how many more trips like that will be in our future. One of the things Trump has said he wants to repeal is the CHIPS act. Intel is already struggling (as I've written about) and that could be an unsurvivable blow to them. Which leaves us not taking the retirement package because we needed Brent to be able to work for another few years at least to not having a job and also not having that voluntary retirement package. We'd be screwed. But we'd figure it out. I've been out of the workforce for a long LONG time but retail and food service are almost always hiring so we'd scrape along. But we would not be going to Disney or Hawaii. Because when you are scraping, you aren't splurging. 

That's the reality we are looking at. 

But for now? The world is ending and we went to Disneyland where I ate my weight in churros! Which was a trick because the more you eat the more weight you have to eat your weight in...Man I love churros. 

Disney did not disappoint. It rarely does. 

One more trip left. 

Three and half more weeks of sabbatical left.

It's been lovely so far.