National Tell Me a Story Day...

It's National Tell Me a Story Day, which is the perfect time for me to work on some fiction right? Especially since I've been in such a creative rut lately.

But it actually was good timing. See I read a newspaper article yesterday from an up and coming creative talent who inspired me to just sit down and write. He even gave the opening line for a story and you all know how much I love a writing prompt. So here you go...

Once upon a time there was a young man who lived in his imagination.

Right now there are some of you who are pushing up your glasses and sniffing, "You cannot live in your imagination. That is impossible. You have to live in the real world."

This story is not for you.

There are also some of you frowning and clasping your hands with worry, "Oh my! People who live in their imaginations are not normal and we need to fix them right away!"

This story is definitely not for you.

Some of you are seeing a large castle, or a haunted mansion, or a small house in the woods, or a cave with dragon's treasure, or a bounce house with big balloon letters spelling out IMAGINATION in different shapes and colors, and for you? I say, yes, this is for you.

The young man who lived in his imagination lived in all of those spaces. Sometimes at the same time. Because his imagination was vast. Like an open sky. Or a deep ocean. But it was also small. Like a movie made on a kitchen table with a parade of things that shouldn't be able to move. But they did.

To live in your imagination is to see the sky for all its glory and then to see the clouds are really just the smallest drops of rain.

Once upon a time the young man's father took a picture of him with his imagination:

The young man looked at the photograph and smiled. You know the smile, the one that says, that was a lovely thought but...

His father said, "I thought you would like to see what I see."

The young man said, "Yes, but if it's my imagination, shouldn't I show you what I see?"

His father then smiled. You know the smile, the one that says, oh that really is a lovely thought.

So the young man showed his father this:

His father was confused. "But my photograph shows how vast your imagination is, it shows how great the colors and the space are. It is as large as the sky and as deep as the ocean."

And the young man said, "To show all of my imagination you would have to go to the farthest edge of space and take the picture again."

His father smiled again. You know the smile. The one that dads get when they are about to teach their children important lessons. "But there is no edge to space, son. It's always expanding."

And the young man smiled again. You know the smile. The one that children get when their parents finally understand the important lessons. "Exactly. My imagination is limitless. To capture a photo you just need me and my heart."

Once upon a time there was a young man who lived in his imagination.

Some of you are saying, "This was a very short story!"

And to you I say, that's because this isn't his story. His story is limitless. This was just an introduction.

The Beginning...

(Photo Credit to Conor Slattery and to Oscar Slattery thank you so much for the inspiration and the permission)

The Corona Chronicles...Meet the Grief Chronicles...

It's been a rough weekend for sure.

I wrote the latest installment of the grief chronicles on Friday and thought, well whew, made it through the hard part.

And then it got harder.

And I feel selfish saying it like this because clearly it's not harder for me, not really but...

After posting my blog and moving along with the day I heard from a friend that her mother passed.

Well fuck.

So her grief is new and mine was all stirred up and our other friend whose father passed earlier in the week and it was his funeral (I'll be back to this again) was Friday and it was just a black pool of misery.

And all of that would have been hard no matter what, the first year is the roughest. No matter that mom was ready to go. No matter that we are 8 months down the road. No matter that both of my friend's parents were also elderly and ill and ready for a bit of peace as well. All of it still would have been hard. But we've got the extra layer now.

My friend who lost her father held his funeral on Friday. But because of the time we live in and the restrictions on size of gatherings and the travel restrictions, it was small. Only a few of their family members could attend. Only a handful could get that closure. That final moment. It's hard.

My friend whose mother passed? Well her mother lived in the States and my friend lives in Canada. Travel is restricted. And if she had gone ahead and traveled anyway when her mother's health really started failing she would have had to stay in isolation for two weeks until she could have seen her. Which wouldn't have been enough time. So she would have been in isolation not seeing her instead of at home not seeing her. And there will be no funeral. Not yet. Because the family would all need to to travel to New York (where her mother will be interred) from all over. So until they can travel there is no funeral at all. Just waiting.

You all know how I feel about that from when we did it.

Yes, you have to do it sometimes, this time especially, but it sucks so much.

So this has been a low level grief buzz weekend. Sometimes breaking out into big fat tears WHUFF gut punch grief weekend.

And then the pissed as fuck at people who have decided that they shouldn't have to stay home anymore because FREEDOM.

It started with astroturf campaigns. The fake protests designed to look like grass roots efforts. They are generally started and sponsored by a small handful of players. And then if they take hold they explode. This one started small, the media loved it so much they gave a few hundred people a ton of air time and then it actually started to get bigger.

Because appealing to people's better natures only works if they have a better nature.

Okay, maybe that's not totally fair, but it is part of it. What these seeded posts and protests are working on is turning going out into an act of freedom and staying in as some sort of communist thing. I'm not sure why taking care of other people is always labeled as communist and socialist instead of just being good humans but my guess is because it sounds like a bad thing if you do the former.

There are posts about how it's actually selfish to stay home because we are still dependent on the workers who are keeping things running so by staying home we are protecting ourselves at their expense. Except that doesn't make sense. I have friends who work in grocery stores and Target/Wal-Mart type places. They have been determined essential workers (put a pin in that one as well) and so have had to go to work daily. I am so grateful for them that they are there. I try and listen to them when they talk about how scared they are and provide whatever comfort I can. Because they are scared. People in their stores and in other stores are getting sick. Because they have to have contact with people every day.

I stay home between visits. I don't go out until I've passed enough time to be pretty sure (though the time lines keep changing) that I'm not carrying the virus. The only one I'm endangering by going out is me. I go out one day, I buy what I need and I go back home. I'm not out daily contacting different people and going to different places. I'm doing my best to keep you all safe. Because if I get it, I will be sick and sad that I'm sick, but if I get you sick? Especially when I can prevent spreading the germs easily? Well then I'm devastated.

Except the people who want to be able to move about freely don't really care about that. Their response is "If you are so worried stay home." Which is so fucking much like anti-vaxxer "logic" it pisses me off. Yes, if I stay home I'm safe. But if you go out to three different places every day and contact all of those people then as soon as you get infected you are spreading it to multitudes. Multitudes who are only out because you couldn't sit your ass at home. It's not about if I'm safe, it's about other people being safe. I am doing what I can to make sure the people I interact with when I have to get things, are safe from ME. I wear a mask now to protect them. We need to do our best to protect those that are the most at risk. And the people working in essential services are the most at risk.

Movie theaters, salons, tattoo parlors, seating areas inside restaurants, none of this is something you NEED. These are things you want. But if you force them open then the people who work there HAVE to go to work or they lose their benefits. Understand this part. The government wanting to open things up because of the economy doesn't just mean some sort of altruistic we want small businesses to succeed sort of thing, it's we don't want to pay unemployment and we for sure don't want to pay the extra amount we've been paying for the Corona shutdowns. They want to stop providing for people.

This whole the economy is crashing rhetoric is bullshit. We have the money in the United States to take care of everyone. We always have. We have the ability to get everyone under decent health care. We always have. We've just not made that choice. And now that we are seeing that it would be better to make that choice the powers that be are doing everything they can to blur that vision for you. To once again convince you that taking care of people who are in need is a bad thing.

It's not. We can take care of the people who need it. We just need to be a little less selfish.

And for fuck's sake stop whining about how you're essential too! Honestly, this one about did my head in the first time I saw it. (And it's not gotten better) If this isn't some sort of bullshit I don't know what is. You want to be an essential worker? Fine, go get a job in one of the essential industries like food service or healthcare. Just because you want to say my job is essential to my family making money doesn't mean the same thing and you fucking know it. Stop feeling hurt because someone else got a title you didn't. Assholes...

Stop being selfish. You are just being asked to stay home for awhile longer while we keep the number of infected down. Don't run out to carry the virus from location to location because it's in America it should be free to make anyone sick it wants to...

And maybe, just maybe, you can help save a few people from blending their corona chronicles and their grief chronicles as well.

Stay home.
Stay safe.
Assume the first person you come in to contact with has the virus and then imagine how far you would spread it from them during your day.

Whuff....

Well that was harder than I expected it to be. Which is so weird, because logically looking at it I should have expected it to be hard. But I didn't even think about it, I just dove in. And then had to stop and take a few breaths...

I ordered flowers today for Brent's mother for Mother's Day. Just Brent's. For the first time it was just Brent's.

Looking at the flowers and choosing which arrangement to send I saw the one I sent Mom last year and how when I talked to her I wasn't sure if she liked them or not. In the past few years she had become more and more distant. Fewer and fewer phone calls. Less chatty when you did happen to reach her. I talked about that in some of the other grief chronicles. Part of it, I think, was that she just couldn't hear as well and part of it was she was just not following the present day conversations as quickly. But it added up to not really knowing if she liked things you sent her.

Brent's mother has always been a little harder for me to read. And I think part of that is because she doesn't really know how to read me either. For instance a few years ago I sent her a collection of succulents for Mother's Day. I thought the pots they came in were really cool looking and they would be easy to take care of in New Mexico. They wouldn't die like cut flowers do. I really liked them. When she got them she asked Brent, "Did you send these to me because I'm prickly?" Well no...but now that you mention it...

But my mother used to be easier for me. Flowers, chocolate (before chemo she LOVED chocolate, after chemo she lost her taste for it), brightly colored clothes or jewelry. But as she aged the reactions were more likely to be "oh, yeah, we got that." So then I start to second guess myself. Is she just being more honest now that she's older and she's never liked anything I've ever sent? Does she just roll her eyes when gifts from me come and say, "Well you know your sister." to my siblings?

And then once she died...

Well everything became a second guessing game. As you all know.

But for some reason I didn't even think about how hard this was going to be. Until I was doing it. And there was the arrangement from last year. And then ones I have gotten her in the past. And there was no balancing out of cost this year, If we spend this much on your mother we need to spend that much on mine...Like they would have ever compared notes...

A dear friend of mine lost her father this week. He had been sick for awhile and she posted last Friday that he had stopped eating and they were just making him comfortable now. She said it was such a weird feeling to be waiting for him to pass, hoping it went quickly while at the same time not ready to let go. Yes, I am familiar with that feeling.

I'm not sure why I didn't think it would be hard to not buy my mother a Mother's Day gift.

The last step was the one where you pick who you are going to send the flowers to. And my mother's name was the top of the list.

I'm not sure why I didn't realize how hard that was going to be...

The Corona Chronicles....Things Are Getting Hairy...

Watching the idiot protestors and the recurring theme was they all really need their hair done.

Like we need to get this country opened back up RIGHT NOW because their roots are showing.

I wish like mad that I was kidding.

It's even in the first wave of Georgia openings. Hair salons, tattoo parlors, and massage studios. All known for being able to keep a safe 6ft distance while working...

I just don't get it. And I am SUPER vain about my hair. Seriously, you all should know by now. My hair is my crowning glory. Literally. Short kicky cut that is made for my face. For the past 4 years or so I've been dying it red as well. So not only do I have a short cut that needs to be shaped every month to keep it perfect, but I have roots that get covered as well. I am three weeks past the due date for my last cut. Next Saturday will be my second missed cut and dye.

And I'm fine.

I mean I did have a dream last night that I got a haircut.

But I'm fine.

Really. Not even kidding. Even in the dream the cut I got (which was SUPER cute by the way) I need my hair to be longer than it is right now on the left side to do it, so I'm not even stressed about it.

I also am getting a look at my gray for the first time in a few years. Which is cool and depending on how much grow out I get and what the mix looks like I might go back to my natural color after all of this.

The whole reason why I finally agreed to going red (I have always wanted red hair, I just didn't want the hassle of getting it done) was because I was going gray, but not quick enough. Yep, not quick enough. I LOVE my gray hair. It's silver and shiny. Like tinsel threads. The problem is there hasn't been enough of it to carry the brown, so I was looking really dull. The shine was gone in my normal color but not being replaced quickly enough with the silver.

So anyway...I have a lot more gray than I used to have and if it's enough then I think I will let the red go and go back to my natural color. But with the cool rinse/seal thing that Sara does to keep the shine up while the tinsel keeps growing in.

As long as there is enough to really look like I'm going gray.

But the only way to tell that is to let it grow in. And the only way I'm letting it grow in patiently is by waiting out the stay home orders while actually...you know...staying at home.

I get that you think you need to get your hair done, I get that you feel like you aren't as attractive as you were before. But I also know that getting your stylist, or their other clients, sick isn't really a great idea. My stylist also has two kids. So I could come in, not even knowing I was sick, give it to her and have her take it home to give to them. Because I can't really wear a mask while I'm getting my haircut, and I'm not sure she could cut my hair wearing gloves. She probably could, because she's a genius with hair, but maybe not.

And getting her and her family sick really isn't worth me getting my roots touched up.

And you know what? Until I take a picture and post them (which you know is coming next month!) nobody will even see my roots and my shaggy hair because I'm staying home.

Stay home.
Stay safe.
You look fine.

Take it as an opportunity to grow your hair out to try a new color later or a new style this summer.

It will be fine.

Worst case scenario, you can wear a hat.

The Corona Chronicles...Social Distancing

Okay, so the experiment where I joined a group of people who were all journaling about the pandemic has come to an end.

So you know where when you were in school and you had to write papers and it took maybe one or two in your life to figure out that your instructors really didn't want your thoughts, but they wanted their own parroted back to them? I was really good at that. I never bought into it as anything other than just giving them what worked to get me the grade I wanted, but I was really good at it.

In the journal group I found that when I would go to write something I was changing my style so much that it didn't really feel completely like me. And the whole reason I wanted to blog about this time was to have something to look back on and say, THIS, THIS is what it was really like. Editing my language choices and sharing half the story wasn't really doing that. Even though I was filling in the rest here, it just wasn't working for me.

I am just a lousy joiner. So I deleted my posts and left the group. It's good for other people and I hope they are getting a lot of out it, but it doesn't work for me.

Social Distancing virtual world.

Whew...

So...now that that is all over and I can go back to writing in my own voice (Like starting 40% of my sentences with the word so...) you guys get all the news that's fit to print! Or even the news that really isn't but I'm doing it anyway!

Let's start with the basics. Christopher is doing well. I'm checking in every other day so not to be a nag but to make sure that he realizes that his mother loves him. Any more and I would even annoy myself, any less and I would drive Brent crazy with speculation. So a quick check in works. And though I haven't yet heard from him today when we talked on Sunday he was good. Low grade fever that still hasn't gone away but all of the other symptoms, including the spikes in temp, have stopped. I'm really hopeful that he is in the clear and will just get the antibody goodness out of this.

And wouldn't that be great? If we could all get tested? I mean if a not insignificant number of people get this and have zero symptoms I would bet a lot more people have already had it and could be a little less panicked about going out. Of course, that's assuming that this is a catch it once sort of thing, which we still don't really know, we're just guessing.

BUT still...so far so good on that front.

I went back to the store yesterday, once a week instead of every two because of the egg limits. Because I didn't need to wait for the OLCC store to be open I went a little earlier than last week. It wasn't as crowded and most people paid attention to the one way aisles and the social distancing. The store put more directional signs up on the ends of the aisles and I think that helped. And it was just less crowded so that was better. One confused woman who turned down the aisle the wrong way just by habit and as soon as she saw her error said "Goodness sake! Whoops!" and turned around to head out.

And then there was the asshole dude who deliberately went down the aisle wrong because...ummm...freedom?

So here is my "funny" grocery store story. It started with Good Denise chastising Bad Denise and ended with Bad Denise saying, "See? What did I fucking tell you?"

Pulling into the grocery store lot and there is this GIANT truck that parked near me. Flag decals in the back window. Short guy climbs out of the cab and I thought..."Hunh...there you go." along with, "I bet we wouldn't get along." Good Denise chimes in with the don't be judgy thought. It's not nice to assume he has short man's syndrome even if he is driving a GIANT penis extender and wears his patriotism through decals. Okay fine...maybe I would be surprised and he is a really decent guy.

Then we are in the store at the same time and he keeps going down the aisles the wrong way. Like once I'll give you but every single time you are doing it on purpose because you are an asshole. And because he's going down the wrong way he's passing everyone within a few inches. So while the rest of us are waiting for the area ahead to clear before moving on he's just walking right down the middle. And I'm sure that he's notice my "not amused" look even if it's only my eyes and he can't see the mouth at all. The reason why I'm sure? Well...

He's talking to the butcher and I'm picking out meat from the case. I'm keeping my distance from him, like you are supposed to, so I'm 6 feet or more away from him as he's talking. "...and these people are just all scared. They look ridiculous playing keep away from everyone and wearing their masks." The butcher has been at our store for a very long time and caught my eye as the dude was talking. Now, I've never made a scene at the store. Or...wait...not like a lot of scenes. Or really big scenes. I've said things to people in line before who needed spoken to, but I'm pretty sure I've never clapped back at someone at the butcher counter...maybe. Once in the wine aisle and once getting produce but...I'm pretty sure I've never been a smart ass to anyone at the butcher counter...

But anyway...the butcher catches my eye and whatever he saw there made him take a step backwards away from the counter because I guess he could see GD fading and BD rising.

"I'd rather look a little ridiculous wearing a mask than look like an asshole out without one in the middle of a pandemic, especially while ignoring all of the distancing guidelines."

"Did you just call me an asshole?"

"No, I said that someone acting like you are looks like an asshole. It was implied."

Then I walked off as he huffed to the butcher and the butcher gave me the whoa look, but with a little smile, at least I'm pretty sure there was a smile there. I'm sure I'll hear for sure the next time I go in.

Later I crossed paths with asshole guy in the produce department and he started to puff up and huff under his breath. GD didn't even try to intervene.

"Is there something else you want to say to me?" he says nothing, "No? We're good then? Great."

I don't think he was expecting that one. I'm pretty sure he thought I felt brave in the presence of the butcher but would go meek when confronted by myself. That's just not my way. If anything the fact that I see the butcher all the time and know I will need to deal with him in the future made me more likely to keep my cool instead of less likely. I try not to fully unleash my temper at people. It's a big thing to see.

And he really did piss me off. When I was telling Brent about it when I got home my voice was shaking with anger. It pisses me off so much. People are genuinely scared of this virus. People are worried about their health and the health of others and he is doing the opposite just to be an asshole. Now he would say he is not being paranoid or he is defending his freedom or some bullshit, but we live in a neighborhood that serves a retirement home. Those elderly people are still shopping in that grocery store. The people that work in the grocery store are in contact with 100s of people. The mask isn't for the person wearing it, it's for the people around them.

The social distancing keeps other people safe, not just you. Especially if you are the asshole out there wandering around in crowds because "mah rights!" you could be one of those asymptomatic people who are spreading it to others who might not be so lucky. Don't be an asshole. It's really not that hard.

Wear your mask for other people.
They are wearing their masks for you.

Keep your distance. You can't tell who is sick, you can't even tell if YOU are sick.

It's not that hard not to be an asshole.

If you don't think this is a threat or something to worry about, that's fine. You don't have to. But you should respect that other people do and you don't need to be an asshole around them. Go visit your friends who also don't think this is a big deal. Just do us all a favor and carry some sort of medical directive that says you don't want a respirator and they should be saved for people who don't mind looking ridiculous in a mask.

Asshole...

Social distancing real world.

We Never Would Have Guessed....

The news loved this story. They loved talking to co-workers and neighbors. They loved recounting the crimes wearing serious expressions but barely hiding the glee in their eyes. It was everywhere.

She reached over and turned off the TV. There was no way she could hear one more person say, "She was such a nice girl. Quiet, unassuming. We would have never expected something like this, we are all just so shocked."

Really? Who are you people? Had you actually ever met her? Because there is no way you would be shocked by this if you had.

The memory was still very strong.

It was the summer she turned 6.

VBS, Vacation Bible School. That brief summer stretch where all of the neighborhood kids went to the same church. At least during the week. It gave their mothers a break. They made crafts and got some light religious indoctrination. She went every year from age 3-10. But that year? That was the memorable one. Because of Jessa.

Kids know. Kids know right away when one of their peers is wrong. Like not wrong in an idea but just wrong. Wrongly made. Off. Not okay.

Jessa was not okay.

And adults are horrible about listening to kids when they tell them that they don't want to play with the new kid because they are creepy. "Be nice! You are being mean! Don't be a bully!"

And it was even worse with Jessa because there wasn't anything to point to to say, "This is why I won't play with her." She wasn't a hair puller or a biter, those kids you could stay away from and it was understood. But Jessa? She was just...well...Jessa.

She was wrong.

It radiated off of her. You could feel it if you got too close. The little hairs on the back of your neck stood up. The primitive part of your brain went on full alert and SCREAMED at you to get away. Run. Now.

But the adults ignored it.

Even thought she knew they felt it. She could see them giving Jessa a little wider berth than they did the rest of them. No hugs. No head pats. She got the dull safety scissors for crafts. Did they realize they were doing it or was it just instinct? It didn't matter she guessed, because either way they were doing it. And either way they were trying to make sure the rest of them weren't.

Instead of picking teams for play time they drew names out of a basket. That way it wasn't always Jessa who was last to be picked. Even though she was good at almost everything they played. But she was still last. When they played Red Rover no one wanted to hold her hand in the line and nobody ever called to send Jessa right over. None of them wanted to see her running at them. No matter how many of them stood in a line against her, that would not have been a good idea.

Because they all knew.

Kids always know.

She thought about all of the people in the news stories, the ones who insisted they were shocked and had no idea. Did they really have no idea or were they trying to convince themselves they didn't know so they had no responsibility to stop it. Because she understood that feeling. The guilt that maybe she should have done something. Something more to prevent all of what came next. Even though the logical part of her brain knew that she couldn't have.

Not at 6.

Not when nobody listens to kids.

But she had never forgotten Jessa. Even though they had only spent that one week together.

Not since that last day.

They were all sitting in a circle sharing their favorite parts about VBS that year. Snacks were figuring high on most lists. She still craved graham crackers and marshmallow fluff in August. But as everyone shared Jessa just sat quietly staring at her. Jessa's face blank. Just staring.

When they were leaving for the day Jessa was still staring at her and she had had enough.

"What are you looking at?"

Jessa, her face never losing its blank expression, said, "I'm just picturing what you would look with no skin."

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"She was such a nice girl. Quiet, unassuming. We would have never expected something like this, we are all just so shocked."

Corona Chronicles...This Time It's Personal...

Well yesterday was grocery day and it was not fucking fun at all.

I swear to god that people were out there just to test me.

Our grocery store is trying to set themselves up to maintain social distancing and cleanliness protocols. It's been a process for them. First it was only opening every other register. Then it was going to marking spots on the ground for people to stand to wait in line. Then it was greeting you at the door to give you a sanitized cart. This trip they had added limiting the number of people in the store at all and marking the aisles as one way. GREAT!

Except you know one way is somehow really hard for people. They still went the wrong way. And the people working were restocking shelves, which they have to do, I get it, but they still need to maintain social distancing. Like step away and let the customers step in to pick stuff up. Or not step in when a customer is standing there. YOU HAVE TO STAY AWAY FROM ME TOO!

And well...it was all very stressful.

And they put a limit on eggs. We eat a lot of eggs. I can't go 2 to 2 1/2 weeks between trips if you are going to limit my eggs that much. And honestly, Easter is over so I bet the egg buying will go down anyway...but yeah. Eggs were limited. Which stressed me out at the start. And there is another stressful part as well:

April 14, 2020

Yesterday was grocery day. It was incredibly stressful. The first time out while wearing a mask for me. That rule changed between our last trip and this one. Did you know if you wear glasses and wear a mask that you will fog up your glasses when you breathe? I didn't until yesterday. I also didn't realize that breathing through a mask makes me a little claustrophobic. But I'm not sure if that panicky feeling was more the mask or more the grocery store.

There were still a few things that were gone but the shelves were pretty much restocked. So much toilet paper that it was stacked in the aisle. I only left without pineapple juice and all of the eggs I had wanted to get. Pineapple juice was gone and eggs were rationed.

People were not good at following the social distancing measures the grocery store has tried to implement, the one way aisles were just too confusing for a group of people. Also the staff was restocking and though I totally understand that they have to, I still had to remind one of them that he needed to socially distance as well. "Please wait until I step away before you come in to put that on the shelf." I felt like a real jerk, he is just trying to do his job, but honestly, socially distance.

The checker and I talked about the egg limit and she let me know it had been that way since before Easter. I told her I hadn't been in for over two weeks so I had missed it. That I am trying to only go every two to two and half weeks. She thanked me. Told me there were people still coming in daily just to look around or grab dinner for that night. That she understood some people are lonely but that it freaks all of them out to have to have contact with so many people. Especially the ones that are obviously not staying home most of the time.

I thanked her, I thanked the kid bagging my groceries, I had already thanked the person who gave me the sanitized cart and the people who were stocking the shelves, even the one I had to ask not to get so close to me. I thanked them all because I am so grateful they are there.

And even though this is already long I want to share that my son has Covid 19. Or at least his teledoctor is pretty sure he does. As there isn't widespread testing, still, it's just based on symptoms. He lives a few hours away from us, lives on his own, was actually exposed once before his company went to work from home and made it past that quarantine with no problem. When that 14 day period ended he went to the grocery store and to drop off some N95 masks he had from forest fire season. One day out of quarantine, two errands and...

He's fine so far. Mild symptoms. He's had a fever for a week now, but only around 100. He had body aches for a couple of days last week and one day where his taste was off but no breathing issues or really high fever. The doctor told him unless it gets worse just ride it out from home. No reason to go out for a test which would just potentially expose others.

So I was already stressed going in to shop and being out didn't help at all. I'm doing my best to not worry too much about him and to not imagine that everyone and everything at the store yesterday was covered in virus. Though the helpful gentleman in the OLCC store explained to me all about how we are already carrying the virus and somehow the Chinese and Russians are working together to activate it. At least he did it from 6 feet away so that was good?

Stay safe, everyone, wash those hands!

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There you go. Christopher has it. I'm trying to do my best not to freak out. Which he "helped" by not telling me until Sunday that he came down with it Tuesday, talked to the doctor on Wednesday... That's the hardest part of having grown children. While everyone else is dealing with homeschool and bored kids who just need so much from them those of us with adult children deal with them being adults and not needing us. But it doesn't change the fact that you feel like you should be doing something. Like if he were here I would have done the shopping so he wouldn't have been exposed.

Like somehow I have special no virus properties?

I'd like to say I'm not worried about him, but obviously I am. But he's really fine right now. The fever is low. Today it was 99. The body aches are gone. He's not having any breathing issues. He's young so most likely this really will be it and he will recover and be safer than the rest of us as he will have the antibodies. But still...

I also found a service that delivers eggs and milk to your door, just like olden times so hopefully that will fix my egg issue with the store. And gives me a chance to support a local farm and get the free range chicken eggs I prefer.

Stay safe.
Stay home.
Don't make me mom guilt you over this...

The Annuals...

She watched the drop of water slowly make its way down the side of the glass of beer. It was slow and lazy. A perfect drop for such a hot day.

Beer wasn't her favorite and it normally wasn't her choice but today it just seemed like a good idea. And the idea of it had been a good one, but she had been reminded after that first ice cold sip why it wasn't her favorite. Oh well. There was always next year.

It had only happened a small handful of times but it was always a disappointment. When you only had one drink a year you wanted to enjoy it. But it was a good lesson for her, she would tell herself to try and make it better, it was a good lesson in not getting too attached to that one drink. Or a good lesson in why not drinking wasn't a big deal. Because really we don't drink.

We don't drink.

The first time she heard her husband say that to someone it had made her a little mad. And then more than a little ashamed.

There was so much shame back in those days. So much shame.

We didn't drink because he couldn't. Well he could. That was the real problem. He could drink like nobody's business. And it was nobody's business that he drank like he did.

Until he couldn't keep it private anymore. Not and keep drinking like that. Not losing entire weekends of time and weeks of pay. Not and scaring her and the baby so badly they ended up trying to walk back to her parent's farm. That night was the last night. From that point forward we didn't drink anymore.

Right after that they moved for his new job. Never talking about how he came to lose the last one. Just a new job, a new town, new friends and when the wine was passed at dinner with his new boss he waved it away, "Thank you, but we don't drink."

And honestly she hadn't had a drink since he quit. She didn't want it in the house. She didn't want to tempt him with the smell. It even turned her stomach a bit to smell it on anyone else. The fear was tied so strongly to that smell. But he hadn't asked her or talked to her about it at all. Just we don't drink.

They never talked about it to each other. They never mentioned it to the children. Back then people didn't understand that alcoholism was a disease. That it wasn't just some weakness in moral fortitude. That drunks weren't just the bum on the street in some movie. But that your neighbor, your father, your mother, any one of them could be waging a war with old demon rum. Or beer. Or wine.

She regretted not talking about it with the children. Maybe it would have made them more cautious. He oldest son was a card carrying member of alcoholics anonymous. Which her husband had sniffed at with more than a little pride (and that underlying shame) some people might need meetings and others to tell them how well they did but other people just didn't drink. She had tried to explain to George why his father would say such a thing but he waved him away. "Some people are angry about what happened when I was drinking, I can't control that. I can only control what I am doing, Mom. It's okay."

It wasn't okay. To leave him thinking that he just somehow had a problem when his parents didn't even drink. But that's the way they left it at the time. Mostly because she was so ashamed she hadn't warned him that it was in his blood. But back then they didn't know. Nobody really understood that if your daddy was a drunk and you became a drunk it wasn't just because that's what you saw but there was brain chemistry involved. Addiction centers in your wiring that would light up differently. It's why some people could have a drink every day and be fine while some people have a drink and then three days later there is no more drink to be had.

She knew it was probably their fault that George hadn't been prepared.

Even though his son and daughter both had drug issues and they knew that their father was an alcoholic. Lisa had been clean for 10 years, but her brother hadn't ever made it there. They found him three days after his grandfather had passed. He never even knew. It had not been an easy time for any of them, and George and Lisa had gone to their meetings together and alone to make it without trying to dull the pain.

Living with the pain. That's what they all had to learn.

And the shame.

She felt so much shame.

But she still had her one drink a year.

When she started selling Merry Housewives Cookware her aim had been to be the top regional salesperson so she could get an all expenses paid trip to the SuperStars of Selling conference. It took her two years to get there but she finally outsold Betty McPherson by $50. Betty still went to the conference, but she went for free. Which was the only way she was going to be able to go. Money was always tight, even with her sales. Betty said there was no hard feelings at all and offered to buy her a drink to celebrate.

We don't drink.

But we weren't there were we? Just her.

She took her up on it and it was the best glass of wine she had ever had in her life. She drank it so slowly that Betty was convinced she didn't like it and tried to convince her to complain. She had told her oh no, she was savoring it. And she did. And the next night she thought about having another but then remembered...

She remembered all of the times he would come home with the smell all over his breath. Then how for the next few days it would seep out of his pores. Stale beer smell filling the house. Eau de Jack Daniels on the porch. She didn't know how much it would take for him to be able to smell it in her sweat but she didn't think one glass two days earlier would do it. So she didn't have another.

Until the next year.

It became her little ritual. The first night of the SuperStars of Selling Conference she would have a drink. Just one. Usually a glass of wine. Sometimes something fancy that caught her eye. She would savor it and enjoy every drop. Except, of course, for the years where she ordered something that wasn't good. Either the wine was off, or the new drink wasn't as tasty as he had imagined it would be. Or like the beer today, it seemed like a good idea but it wasn't. But her rule was one drink. Only one. If it wasn't good well there was always next year.

And then when Merry Housewives Cookware had gone out of business she had switched her yearly drink to the weekend he went fishing with his buddies. She would farm the kids off to various friend's houses and she would drive two towns over to have dinner by herself and enjoy her one glass of wine. Then she would sit in her car for an hour before driving home. She didn't feel like it would have been a problem, but she would had died from embarrassment if she ever got pulled over. After all we don't drink.

And then when Edgar passed. Well she was free to do whatever she wanted to wasn't she? But those first few days when they were all desperate to find Allan and then when they did...and how hard George and Lisa were working to hold on to their own hard fought sobriety. And how ashamed she was when Edgar's old buddies had told stories about his younger days and how he could win any bar bet you put in front of him. And George had looked at her in stunned silence. And later when he said, "But I thought you didn't drink?" The pain in his voice was there.

She told him about the night she packed him up and walked two miles down the road, the tears streaming her face. Her dress torn at the sleeve. Her wrist swelling.

She told him about when his brother and sister were born and how she found his father crying over their crib saying over and over that they would never cry because of him.

She told him about when his youngest brother had a beer at a party when he turned 18, which was perfectly legal at the time, how his father had thrown up from the smell.

Then George shook his head, why didn't they ever tell them.

She tried to explain about the shame. About what they didn't know. And then when they did know it just seemed too late.

She didn't think he ever truly forgave her.

The drop finally made it all the way down the side of the glass to coaster sitting on the bar. She took one last sip of the beer. It seemed such a shame to waste it all. But it really didn't taste as good as she thought it would. Oh well, there was always next year.

Corona Chronicles....New Groove.

Here we are again with a double poster. You know the drill. The piece set off by the date will be for the new group, all of the rest is just for you. Cause I love you. Or because you voluntarily put up with my nonsense. One of those.

I miss the gym. That's what is triggering this post. There are a lot of things that are actually pretty good about this whole stay at home thing. Like staying at home. And staying at home guilt free. There is no feeling of "I really should go do..." nope. I shouldn't. I should stay home. It's the right thing to do. Yay!

But I actually miss the gym. I miss lifting heavy things and putting them back down. I miss that feeling of accomplishment in my day. I miss watching the gym people and either seeing their stories play out or making up my own. And I miss knowing I'm doing what is right for my own health by going. I can't really fix all of those, but I can keep moving. So I spent a lot of time trying to figure out my home routine. At that brings us to this:

April 10, 2020

I am not exactly a gym rat, but I do (normally) go 5 times a week. I lift weights 3-4 times a week and force myself to use the treadmill once or twice a week. I have had arthritis in my knees for the past ten years and if I don't stay strong and active they let me know.

I am also vain. I know you aren't supposed to admit such things, but I am. I like having muscles. I like flexing my arms and seeing a line of demarcation there. This is my muscle. I am strong. I like it. So I work at it.

We went on vacation the end of February for a week. When we got home I got sick right away. (Not Covid, as far as I know, I had a lot of sinus congestion and that's not one of the symptoms) But with the week away and then the week sick that was two weeks out of the gym. The second week of March we were on "social distancing light." You could go out, you could do your semi-normal things but keep space, wash your hands. So I was back in the gym for a few days.

Then we went into the full on STAY HOME routine. Hard to believe that was only a month ago.

I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how I was going to work out. A couple of years ago we cleared out our home gym items, we never used them, they were just taking up space...whoops! So it was You Tube recordings on test drive. I went back to the old favorites from the 90s when I was a stay at home mom working out at nap time. I tried a series a friend of mine who is in excellent shape does. I went through a lot of others as well. Too easy, too hard, annoying voice, bad music. On and on.

I finally settled on a new routine that is completely different than what I normally do. It's very loose. They play music and give a few cues but it's mostly just move in a way that feels comfortable to you and have fun. After years of a rigid routine this is kind of wild. It's totally different than really watching my form, and recording the weight and the sets and making sure I'm balancing my workout. It's very loose. I'm really liking it.

Because it's so different.

Everything is different right now so why not my workout routine as well? I will be really glad to get back to the gym when all of this is over. And I already know I will be sad about how much less I can lift. But for now? I'm liking the free form just flow routine style. I think it helps to keep moving and it helps to have that time where I'm not worried about what I'm feeding us, how I'm going to get groceries, are all of my friends safe, how long will this last...

I'll be interested to see, once this is all over, what our new normal looks like. What are the things that will change? What lessons will we have learned about ourselves and how we actually want to live? As for right now I could see keeping my subscription to this workout system and supplementing my weight lifting with a little more loose and relaxed body movement.


--------------

The part I didn't include was that the one I tried that Shay does? Body Combat? HOLY FUCKING SHIT no wonder she's in such good shape! It was hard, and I only did the introduction to the moves cycles. It was also not at all a good idea for me. Though the super driven LET'S DO THIS! part of me was already counting down the days it would take me to get the whole routine locked in and be able to do back to backs like Shay does my knees were already SCREAMING at me. There is a lot of jumping and kicking and just not at all what I can do without hurting myself. I'd like to say I stopped right away, but I did three of them before accepting the fact that I cannot do a routine like that.

So when I picked up Body Groove, the one I settled on, my first reaction was..."White lady in dreds? Oh hell no..." But I actually liked it. I liked the "Do what feels comfortable" cues. I liked the music. I liked the "There is no wrong way to do this, just keep moving" aspect of it all. I sort of feel like maybe it's a really good space for me to reconnect with my body as a whole instead of as pieces. Like I am moving all of me when I dance instead of just thinking about biceps, or quads, or abs...

But let's not get carried away, I am doing Groove three days a week and some body weight strength two days. I'm not willing to completely let go of my muscles. I already know there will be days of weeping when I go back to the gym and have to start with the pink weights....

But I'm trying to take all of this in stride and find the positives and the benefits. I'm trying.

Stay safe.
Stay home.
Stay fit.

Dang It!

I broke my own new rule today.

Already.

I say already because it's a really new rule for me.

And I broke it because it's going to be really hard for me to maintain.

I'm going to try my best to not argue politics with people this cycle. Or at least the "you should be voting for..." type of arguing. I will continue to post things that I think are important. I will continue to try my best to counteract lies with facts. But I'm not going to talk to people about who they should vote for.

After today. I failed today.

But I'm back on the horse trying again to stay quiet.

If at this point in time you don't see that you should vote either for Biden or against Trump I don't know what to say to you. You can vote for Biden because you like him. Or you can vote against Trump (by voting for Biden) because he's shown you exactly who he is as a person and what he is as a president. Either one is a vote for removing Trump from office. And that I understand.

But if you are voting third party, or voting for Trump, then I don't understand you and I'm not arguing with you about it. At this point if you don't get it, you won't, so why waste my breath, or typing time.

The last cycle I tried. Oh my gosh I tried. I talked to people who were voting for him and gave them tons of "He is exactly who he says he is!" links. I talked to people who just couldn't vote for that woman because...reasons. I tried to stress how much more prepared she was. I talked and typed until I couldn't anymore about the stark differences between them and what it would be like with him in office. I actually felt guilt when he was elected that I hadn't been able to sway more people.

As if it were my responsibility to move them all.

It wasn't.

It never was.

All I could do was what I did.

But now?

I shouldn't have to do anything.

He's shown you who he is and if that's not enough to get you to vote him out then nothing ever will be.

And I don't understand you.

Vote Blue No Matter Who.

I've been consistent and I will remain so.

From two dozen or so at the start now to one candidate still running. That's who I am voting for in November. And if you don't understand why that needs to be, I can't help you.

Things I don't care about:
Your hurt feelings.
Your but "if only people" wish list.
Your need for a perfect candidate.
Your my guy or no one mentality.
Your fucking 401K, which, honestly is in the tank right now anyway.
Your cult like devotion to a personality.
Your fake news mantra when you really mean I don't agree with what you said.
Your whataboutism.
Your vote for anything other than to get Trump out.

Thinks I do care about:
Getting Trump out of the White House.

Vote Blue No Matter Who

Feel free to remind me if you see me mistakenly take on the burden of changing someone's mind again. I'll try to take it graciously. And I will thank you for it once I calm down.  Honestly.

Corona Chronicles...Don't Yell at Other People...

So here is the good news, or at least good news for me! I've got three fiction snippets wandering in my head right now. I'm hopeful that they will become actual things soon. Not tomorrow, because Brent has an all day video conference and I'm a "hard typer" apparently so I can't really work on my writing while he's on conference with other people.

I'm actually kidding a little there. I know I'm a hard typer. I'm a hard typer and a fast one. And I used to have acrylic nails so the women I shared an open office with let me know very quickly they could tell when I was working on anything because CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK...I told them that headphones would be a good investment.

Yeah. I was a jewel to work with.

Anyway...

I've got a few things brewing and it makes me very excited to think I might actually get some fiction brewing again. But for today I give you my second piece for the journalling group:

April 7, 2020

The neighborhood kids are playing together outside. Again.

I live in a townhome community and the alleys are play spaces. Skateboards, bikes, basketballs, chalk drawings. Just hanging out and talking for the older kids.

Today is a sunny day. We are looking at a few in row this week. Probably will hit 70 tomorrow. In the PNW sunny, warm, spring days are a gift. We all run outside and just soak in some vitamin D. And that's just after a normal winter.

Now? When people have been trapped inside? Now you can practically hear people pacing by their front doors "Should I?" But that's just the adults. The kids are out and playing.

Together.

Again.

They did this the last time we had sunshine. And that was before it got warm. And it was at the beginning of the lock down when people weren't really taking it seriously. But for the past bit they have been taking it more seriously. Or so I thought. Until the sun came out.

It's probably only three or four families. Ten kids or so. But still. That's three or four families that are now one big bubble sharing all of the germs those three or four families had contained inside their house before. And it includes the family behind us who aren't 14 days out from when they returned from Spring Break. Yes, they still took their Spring Break trip.

And I'm repeating to myself that I have no control over this. That it really doesn't affect me at all. I won't interact with their kids. Or them. Those three or four families might all get sick, but I won't. Because I'm staying inside.

That's what I keep telling myself. So far it's keeping me from throwing open the back door and yelling at them all to SOCIAL DISTANCE! GO HOME! STAY HOME! STAY SAFE!

And now instead I'm writing this to get the frustration out. The lack of control feeling. So at least I'm writing. So maybe it's a good thing?

No. I still wish they would take this seriously and go home.

Okay, so there was that. Now wish me luck for some fiction! I took a few notes, I'm letting it marinate. I'm hopeful that Thursday I can annoy Brent with a lot of loud fast typing.

We're All In The Dark...

I started to write this as a reply to friend and realized it was going to be really long. So it's here instead.

There is something that I think we all understand and know on a deep level but we forget all the time.

The night is a known liar.

We all know. But we forget.

I think we are first aware of it as little children. When that blanket tossed over a chair becomes a monster in the corner once the lights are off. When the sounds of the house settling become the monster under your bed stretching once it's dark outside. We know it's not true because as soon as the light is clicked on everything goes back to normal. But it doesn't stop the fast heartbeat and cold sweat the next time we see the tiger about to pounce.

Teenage years and young adult years night often works with alcohol to up the ante. There is a reason we rethink decisions in the cold light of day. That hook-up was a mistake. You know it. You pretty much knew it at midnight but there in the dark with the alcohol back-up? You convinced yourself that maybe it was not such a bad idea really. The thing you said to your friend "just being honest" that was a mistake as well. The night told you it was good idea. Alcohol backed him up. But it wasn't. Because the night is a known liar.

And then we hit full adulthood. And parenthood. And the night goes into overdrive. The two AM listing of everything you have ever fucked up in your entire life. The moments where every single parenting decision you made that day will obviously put your child in therapy for all of their adult years. Those nights where your partner sighs in their sleep and you are positive they are sighing because they are miserable being married to you.

The night is a known liar.

It will tell you you are a failure when you aren't.
It will tell you that idea for a short story is brilliant when it's not.
It will convince you that your children are going to end up horrifically damaged because of your parenting when they aren't.
It will play for you on loop that time in 2nd grade where you said that hateful thing to Suzy Backstrop and convince you that it broke her psyche. While Suzy Backstrop doesn't remember that moment at all and in fact is lying in bed 1000 miles away reliving that moment in 2nd grade where she said that horrible thing to someone else who doesn't remember it.

The night is a known liar.

We need to not listen.

And I know how difficult that is. Tonight it will whisper to me that all of this is wrong and the night only tells the truth.

But it doesn't.

And if the night is lying to you over and over again find someone to talk to during the day that can help put some truth back in your head.

Corona Chronicles...Groups? I'm in a Group?

So this is going to be posted in a couple of places, here and in a group I've joined on Facebook about journaling our way through the pandemic. Which is a much nicer title than Blogging the Apocalypse but it's not my group so they didn't ask me...

I normally don't join a ton of groups. I'm in a hockey one for the Winterhawks (no surprise there right?), one for a small group of friends where we can say what we REALLY think, though that one isn't super active, most people have gone to group messaging for that sort of thing, one for fans of Gaiman (though after Good Omens came out on TV that one became more of a FANS OF A TV SHOW! group so it's not nearly as geeky as it was), one that shares memes and now this one.

The reason why I don't generally join writing type groups is that I don't write like anyone else. Or very many people anyway. And I don't write for the same reasons so I'm not in a critique group or a beta reader group or a this is how you get published group or any other number of very helpful for real writers type groups.

But we are in different times right now. So when a friend asked if I wanted to join this journaling group I decided to go for it. And the following is my first entry for them. You all know me so it will seem a little weird and stilted to you, as well as WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THINGS I ALREADY KNOW?? but they don't know me so I'm being NICE okay?? I can use my non-swear words in public like a goddamn grown-up if I have to...give me a fucking break...shit... (sorry needed to get them all out before doing the grown-up part. ;-)

April 6, 2020
Thanks for the add to the group. I'm struggling right now with keeping my writing going so I'm hoping to use this as a reminder to keep putting words on the screen. For my household this is really nothing more than an inconvenience. Or at least that's what it should feel like.

We are older, our son is grown and living on his own. I'm retired and my husband is able to work from home with very little change in his day. Fewer face to face meetings, more conference calls. Our son is working from home and his company has let them know that it will be at least the end of May before they are back in the office. But he has a job and a place to go back to and a nice apartment to stay safely tucked away in.

So really everything is fine. No homeschooling to worry about. No lack of employment. We can't eat out or go to the movies or to the theater or sporting events. Which is not really a big deal at all.

We are hard core introverts by nature. He is my best friend and I am his. We do everything together normally and enjoy each other's company. So this should be really easy.

And it is easy. Really. I mean it. It's only a slight inconvenience. I have to cook every day when I'd rather not. We can't go out whenever we want to. My husband isn't getting the face to face interactions with the people he works with. Going to the grocery store feels like an act of courage. Ordering online and bringing things into the house feels like inviting in a plague rat from 1347. But other than that... really easy.

So that's what I'm struggling with right now. The should be easy part. Because there is that part of my brain that is completely preoccupied with the "out there" and the fact that we can't really do much to make that better except what we are doing. Staying home, sending donations to organizations that are frontline. But it still feels so off kilter. It still feels like there is some "do this" piece I'm missing.

So that's who I am. I'm the should be easier but it's not person.

And that's what I posted for my first post in a new group. And I think that's what I'll do. Post there, post it here as well. But you guys will get the extra bits. Aren't you lucky?

Stay safe.
Stay home.
Keep doing what you need to do to feel normal.

Bat Out of Hell...(part of the Corona Chronicles)

Did you know that we don't actually know how the coronavirus started?

We know it jumped from bats to humans but we don't actually know how or even when for sure.

Now right now I know that there are a large group of you (how large is part of 3 readers, 2 of you?) that are saying, NO! It was the wet market in Wuhan! The news reported that over and over again.

Well sure, the news reported it, people talked about it, memes were made. But it's still not a proven fact. In fact (double fact use) we can be pretty certain that it didn't come from eating a bat. One, because that's never how these sorts of viruses spread. And two because as the CDC and the WHO keep telling us ways it's transmitted, food is never one of them. You can't eat the virus and catch it. It's a respiratory virus. It comes in through breathing in the virus.

But we keep sticking with the "they ate a bat!" story. Why?

Well, one it's an easy way to other it. You would never eat a bat, right? So you would never be responsible for this sort of thing. It's a way for Western society to really other it. We don't have wet markets, we don't eat such things, we would never spread such a thing. But we do eat really weird shit, just we don't think it's weird because we are the ones eating it so it seems normal. And the one disease I can think of off the top of my head that comes from food is Mad Cow. Which isn't a virus AND we did that in the West. So...

PETA is all over it too. See how eating animals causes a pandemic? So the animal rights groups are all in helping with the othering. Because it fits their story of the world. Which still doesn't make it true. Good intentions still doesn't mean you should skip the facts. Though PETA has never felt tied to facts before and I can't really expect them to start now.

Odds are, and I don't know, because again we don't know yet. Odds are this came from the lab in Wuhan that was studying coronaviruses in bats. The one where one of their researchers had already been on record not following proper safety protocols. That's also, probably, where the first conspiracy theories of it being lab created came from. It wasn't. It jumped from bats to humans, and it might have happened in a lab, but it wasn't lab created.

Just a bit of common sense here can help to see reason. Where did bird flu come from? Birds. Eating them? No. Living with them. The dander and the feces and the urine. All of that. People who lived with the birds in their houses and on their houses and in their yards eventually caught it. Hantavirus? For those of us who grew up in the Southwest we can tell you, do not get near the droppings of mice and rats, that shit will kill you. Literally. It's not from eating them, it's from their droppings. Swine Flu?  Not from eating them. It's in the poop. It's in the urine. It's in the dander from their saliva. It gets in our lungs and then takes off from there. And even then with bird flu and swine flu it's rare that it makes the jump. But when it does it can be devastating, because it's rare that it makes the jump and we don't have the antibodies to fight it.

Like this version from bats.

It's new.

We are all facing something we haven't ever had before.

But we didn't get it from eating bats.

Right now we are being bombarded with news about this strain of coronavirus constantly. And what we thought we knew at one point can shift. And when it does we need to make sure we are shifting what we are doing with it (like don't wear a mask vs. wear a mask). Facts are going to be what gets us through this. So we need to make sure we aren't spreading disinformation. No matter how trivial.

This didn't come from people in Wuhan eating bats.

Stop saying it.

Even if you really want it to be true so you can other that shit away.

Stop it.

Continuing Corona Chronicles...

I think I like the Corona Chronicles the best of all of my titles so far so I will just stick with that in one form or the other.

So...slow moving disaster movie it is. That's the best way to describe it. Though at times it feels like it's all moved super fast. And in one way it has. We went from totally normal to everyone locked in their own homes in just a few weeks. But the fact that it's still not really everyone, there are states that aren't on stay at home orders, and people that refuse to follow them, so we are still just sort of doing what we are supposed to.

But the slow part is starting to sink in to a few people. The fact that this isn't a week or two weeks, or a month or two months but could very well be a year. Which will be interesting to watch. How in the world are people going to manage this level of social isolation for a year? Even Brent and I as hard core introverts will have a hard time with that. And at least we are trapped together, what about Christopher who lives by himself? I mean he's as introverted as we are, but without work and seeing his friends for games and movies he is looking at ages of no company. How in the world are we all going to manage that?

So right now what I'm feeling is a low level of dread. I'm still not sleeping really well. My dreams are all stress dreams when I do sleep. Nightmares about this situation or others that are all around the theme of having zero control.

Which is really it right now.

We have zero real control.

I mean I can do what I can, like stay home most of the time. But I can't completely control everything. Like I need food and that is out there. So I have to either go get it or have someone bring it to me. Anything else we order has to be brought to us. Then brought in to the house. And the recommendations keep shifting on how to protect ourselves and others.

Like at the start it was, don't go out if you are feeling sick. So we were pretty comfortable hitting up our favorite restaurant and shopping. Just made sure we washed our hands and tried the very best we could not to touch our faces.

Then we found out that you are already shedding virus before you ever feel sick. So you need to not be in crowds at all.

So okay, only take out food and social distancing of six feet.

Which was fine, mostly, except for the people who didn't really get that distance thing. Or that it counted inside and outside. When the weather was better we were going for a walk and I had to stop walking the trails in our neighborhood because they were too crowded and people weren't moving to the sides when you needed to pass. And people were at the playground with their kids all playing together. And in our neighborhood that is still happening. If the sun is out the kids are out playing together. People do not understand what social distancing means.

Now the news is all about how the virus will last on plastic and cardboard for much longer than they thought. And top that off with it's easier to spread in the air. Not just sneezing and coughing but talking to someone. So now we need to wipe off items that are shipped to us and wear a mask if we go out in public.

We don't own masks. I ordered a couple off of Etsy and hopefully they will come sooner rather than later. I think I can make one from paper towels and rubber bands if I need to go to the store before those get here. The problem with not keeping anything we don't use is that I don't own the "things you have in your own house" to make a mask. I'm super worried that this is going to trigger turning me into a hoarder before this is all over.

I'm only partly joking there.

I see a lot of people turning into lifetime agoraphobes or germaphobes over this. I'm not sure how we all get back to a place where being in a crowd doesn't make you feel a little creeped out. Especially if we are doing this for a year or more.

I almost had a story form yesterday to write some fiction. The idea started to bubble up and then it just fizzled away. I'm hoping that means it will be back and not that the Corona is killing my creativity... Which it actually is. The way I write is that stories bubble in my brain. I hear voices. They tell me what they want me to write. Right now that subconscious background story is filled with a low level worry about what is happening. I need to figure out how to not worry about this since I have zero control over it for the most part. And yet because I have zero control over it I can't stop worrying.

So here we are April 4th, 2020.

Cover your face if you need to go out. It's to make sure you don't infect others, so don't feel like it's giving you protection, your mask is to protect others, theirs is to protect you.

Keep washing your hands. Really, soap and water is the best thing to get rid of the germy germs.

Be careful about bringing anything into your house. Have a process for unpacking and washing up again.

Don't visit with people face to face. If you are out on a walk and see your neighbors a friendly wave and a six foot away Hey, how's it going?  Are going to have to do. Even outside germs spread. The virus can't travel without a host, now is not the time to be a good host.

The president keeps lying on his daily LOOK AT ME show. Now he's got his son-in-law in on the action. Including changing the websites for government agencies to match what he's said at the podium instead of saying the truth in the first place. Seriously. This administration is so worried about blame and shifting it instead of helping mitigate the problems that they are making more problems.

It's hard to wrap my brain around how many people are infected and sick and how many have already died. Partly because it's big numbers and our brains have a hard time with big numbers and partly because of the social isolation. We aren't going out so we aren't seeing how full the hospitals are and how empty everything else is. It's a weird space to be. By doing the right thing we aren't grasping how important it is to do the right thing. If that makes any sort of sense...

Which is where I think my insomnia and low key stress is really coming from. None of this makes any sense.

A slow moving disaster. Very slowly. Big disaster.

Stay safe.
Stay home.
Get a mask.
Get some sleep.