To catch up to last year's writing pace I need to write 27 more blogs this month. Which means I need to write almost every day for the rest of the month. And this shouldn't matter because I have already set my goal to be the original goal from last year, not the amount I actually did. But...
Once I started looking at goals and numbers I just took off!
Moderation is good. I know that. I preach that. I BELIEVE that. But my brain doesn't always believe it. Or at least doesn't always follow the path I've laid out for it.
It's interesting to me that at 55 years old I'm starting to understand things about my brain and the way it works that I just haven't before. I mean, I sort of have. Because I've designed systems and ways of working that work for me, but I didn't really understand why. I've compensated without realizing I'm compensating.
And I've framed things in ways that I prefer. Like I always make the joke that I'm not flighty, I'm multi focused. But these kids today and their Tik Tok learning videos have made me wonder if it's really ADHD, not just busy brain. Which, I mean...isn't that what ADHD is?
Though I am going to read a book that uses VAST instead of ADHD because it's not a lack of attention (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) it's actually too much attention. VAST is Variable Attention Stimulus Trait. Which actually fits me really well.
One because that's my issue. I start one thing then see something else that I need to do then see something else and at the end of the day I've got 43 started and abandoned projects. Or at 55 years old, 323 different career starts.
Second because I'm not hyperactive. I'm multi focused for sure, and I'm a fast thinker, and sometimes that can seem to mimic hyperactive, but I'm also a couch sweet potato. I don't have to constantly be moving. I'm a fidgeter, but not a run arounder.
Third, because I can get hyper focused on a project as well. Locked in to the point where I forget to eat. And you all know how much I love to eat.
Lastly, because it's not a disorder. It's just a different way of thinking.
I even used my way of thinking for the title of this blog. My friend Susan and I had so many conversations where we interjected, This is totally random but... BUT...it never really was totally random. She and I both could walk you through the 20 steps between what we were originally talking about and this seemingly out of the blue line of conversation. It wasn't random, it was just done so fast it would have been impossible for anyone else outside of our brains to keep up. Though we did often share the path with each other because it's interesting to see the connections.
I talked the other day about starting to come to this realization and the funny moment that should have let me know a long time ago. When Katie was in elementary school we moved to Colorado Springs and they were just adamant about getting her a diagnosis for her twitching and fidgeting and some social miscues. They really wanted it to be some form of ADHD or autism or Asperger's (which was the darling diagnosis at the time and has since completely been rebuked). The main way they set you on the path for an ADHD diagnosis was a parent filled out questionnaire. Does your child do X, Y, or Z? And I was completely disgusted by it, they were just trying to get everyone diagnosed! I mean I did most of those things and I didn't have ADHD so clearly...
Oh.
Okay.
I still wouldn't have gotten her the diagnosis or the medication. She didn't need medicated. Some kids thrived with it, one of my nephews really needed his meds to be able to function in school, I think the hyperactivity part was stronger in him and the meds calmed his brain storm enough to actually be able to focus on where he was. They can make a huge difference. Katie didn't need them. She didn't want the ones they offered for her Tourette's Syndrome. (Yes, we let her make the choice, we might not have had she been a different child but we felt she was capable of making a decision like that, now I think maybe she made the decision because I'm not a fan of meds, but I still think it was the right choice for her, she has never been held back by her brain, it's launched her faster and further in fact) But I did teach her some of my tricks. Again, not tripping to the fact that I needed tricks.
So, yeah, it's been interesting to have a light bulb moment of well maybe it's been VAST all along...
And then because I'm me following that up with, yes, that's interesting but also...eh. I just am me.
I need to have the things I'm working on in my sight or I will forget they exist. This one drives Brent a little crazy as he is a put it away guy. We've compromised over the years to I have a pile that is neat and tidy, but it's my pile and it does not go away. And we have our own sides in the bathroom. My side has my things on the counter, his does not.
I know it will take me a few swipes at a project to complete it. Or sometimes even to start it. I tend to overthink things, even small things, because I can think of a hundred different ways it could go. A lot of time I just tell Brent I want to do something and he starts it right away and that lifts the block.
I know that I can and will completely forget about things that are super important. Not just to me but to other people. And I understand that this makes people think that I don't actually find those things to be important, but I do. They just don't always stick. For instance, right now I just saw a notice about a writing course I signed up to do. I HAVE to get it done before the link disappears next week, was planning on doing it last week, but totally forgot. I'll put it on my calendar for next week, written down, and digital, and hopefully I'll get it done then.
There are a lot of other things I do that I'm realizing fall into these adjustments I've made. Like the goals.
Goals are a focusing means for me. If I have a target I'm striving for I'm less likely to get stuck in the What next? cycle. The endless lists with no checks. If I have a goal, if I'm striving for a gold star, that part of my brain that gets distracted focuses on the shiny object ahead and off I go.
It works.
And after 55 years I'm finally starting to realize why.
So how many goals are too many?
Well for sure it's not writing 27 (now 26) more blogs in May. That's a perfect goal.
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