February Doldrums...

 I'm writing the first quarter off. Just so you know. The monthly goals are falling apart. The move is doing a number on my head. The brink of nuclear war is taking up space in there as well. Along with massive flooding in Australia, the worry over lifting the mask mandates everywhere while at the same time trying to be hopeful about it. It's all a bit much. So I'm just going to go back to that original idea I had in the end of December of revisiting the goals at the end of the first quarter after the move is done. Though now the move has been moved out a month and I really think it will be June before I'm settled, so let's look at goals in July shall we? 

So...nuclear war? How odd is it to have that top of mind again? Brent and I were talking about it this weekend then I talked to our kid as well. When we (Brent and I) were teenagers none of us believed we would avoid nuclear war. It was just kind of an accepted belief that we would go for as long as we could and then oh yeah, Cold War becomes Hot and we die. 

The plan (growing up in New Mexico where missiles and labs are located) was to run outside when the first launches happened so we would die in the initial blast and not have to die slowly from radiation sickness or starvation. It's why a large cohort of Gen X considers themselves at least passive nihilists. We grew up watching people talk about peace while hovering over the big red destroy everything button. Hard to believe there is a real truth when that's your foundation. And the ones that were more active than passive nihilists grew up to be Republicans and are doing their best to reject all moral foundations so... (I'm not even sure if I'm kidding about that anymore)

So anyway, here we are, the closest to actual nuclear war than we've been since I was a teenager (Putin put his "defense" on high alert over the weekend as the invasion of Ukraine didn't go exactly as he thought it would. Now he's holding nukes over their heads as they offer to talk). The speeches we are seeing Putin make show what happens when an autocrat starts to really lose his grip. Grip on his mind and grip on his power. It's really frightening. And it's possible this is going to lead to WWIII, The Nuclear Edition. 

And my mind is right back in the space that it was as a teen. 

We read stories about what is going on. We realized we could all end up dying in a nuclear blast after all. And then we went to the opening game of the MLS season and cheered on the Timbers. 

When I was talking to my kid about it I said I had thought about it a few years ago. That living with the feeling that we could all die if the leaders of the "free world" decided to get their backs up about something. I wasn't sure when I was rethinking it if the just sort of detached acceptance that there was nothing I could do so I would just live was a reflection of being a teenager. If it would be different as an adult. Especially after living life pretty sure that the nuclear threat, though still there, was really low. And now I know. It has nothing to do with age. It's just the way to deal with it. 

I cannot control what Putin does. I cannot control how we respond. I can send money to help Ukrainians who have been bombed out of their homes. (Those conventional weapons can do plenty of damage, no nukes needed) I can remind people here about who has supported Putin when it comes times for elections, but even that I can't figure out how to make them see how badly their party has betrayed them. I basically am revisiting the whole nothing really matters because nothing is in my control life of a teen as an adult. 

But now with the added twist of understanding that though nothing really matters because nothing is in my control; everything around me matters. 

What?

Nothing matters so everything matters. Nothing matters because I have no control over it. I can't make things happen or not happen in exactly the way I want them to happen or not happen. But everything then matters because I have no control over what is going to happen. 

Every moment I get with the people I love matters because there is a chance it will be the last. (Thank you pandemic for reinforcing this one)

Every fun thing we get to go do matters because there is a chance that the world will close down or blow up and won't get to do them anymore. 

The small moments matter. The big moments matter. It all matters. Because it might be all we have left. Because nothing matters anymore. 

I've turned into an optimistic nihilist or a nihilistic optimist. Or I guess I should say I've shown that I never stopped being that. I just used to pretend to be more purely optimistic. Or at least I used to pretend to myself. Brent says I've never really changed and that anyone who knows me would say that optimistic nihilist is pretty much who I am. I'm kind and believe people are usually trying their best but are still mostly assholes so fuck those guys. 

So the goals are on hold while we all just focus on survival.

Mask mandates are being lifted, people have settled into their hardened vaccine or anti-vaccine camps. 

Omicron cases are fading but the virus lives on.

I'm hopeful that we are into the endemic life adjusts to normal phase, but I was hopeful about that last year the first time mask mandates were lifted and the Delta variant came out to play. So...hopeful but not positive.

I'm hoping that Putin doesn't completely lose his mind and use his nukes.

I'm hoping that the invasion is pushed back and the Russians don't continue to carve up Ukraine and Ukrainians. 

I'm hoping that the Republicans and the Libertarians that have spent decades preaching that caring for others as much as you care about yourself is weakness, fail. I'm hoping that somehow through the end of the pandemic, the devastation in Australia and other parts of the world from extreme weather and fire events, the threat of nuclear war and any of the other catastrophes we have brewing we end up in a world that considers what others need as well as our personal needs when making decisions. 

I'm hoping. But you all know how I feel about hope. 

It's what you do when there's nothing left you can do.

Because we can't really do anything. 

Nothing matters.

Everything matters.

And we March on...

Moving...

Had the first of the moving companies walk through the house for an estimate. 

Very odd feeling to open all the closets and cabinets and show a stranger all of my things. 

How long will it take you, Mr. Stranger, to pack up all of this stuff and move it away? Do I have the normal amount of stuff? Do I have regular stuff? What is the weirdest stuff you've ever seen in a move? Hah! Trick question! If you answer I know you will talk about my stuff with other people! Good DAY!

It was interesting. I have another one coming on Tuesday to do it all again. And one company that just did it over the phone. Asked how big the house was and if we owned anything unusual. Well, how do you answer that? I don't know. I don't know what everyone else owns so how would I know if it was unusual? 

But it's a very odd feeling to walk a stranger around the house to look at everything. I felt at times like I should explain, I have this because...We aren't moving these things because...DON'T JUDGE ME! 

Though one moment was his weirdness and I was really glad it was me doing the walk through and not Brent.

We have Brent's father's flag from his funeral. It's in a case and the display has his ribbons and medals as well. It's a lovely presentation. Ann had it and when she died Brent didn't really feel comfortable having it put on the auction block with everything else so he brought it home. So anyway, we get to the basement walk through and the guy asks if that is a flag (the wooden box where it's stored). I tell him yes and he says that's cool. Then tells me about his mother having his grandfather's flag but it's just folded and in a corner with his picture and a few other things, nothing like the box. I show him the inside with the medals and the ribbons and he's like, "That's really great!"

Which, I mean, I totally got what he was saying. It's a lovely thing to have in remembrance. But really cool and really great don't really apply to things you can only get if someone dies. 

Unless you didn't know the person who died and they left you a lot of money. That's cool and great. 

I'm kidding. When Brent's grandmother died and left half of her belongings to our child (and half to George W. Bush) it was surreal. I mean she never met her great grandchild. Had zero relationship there. Pointedly skipped her daughter and her grandson to bestow everything to relative she'd never even met. It was surreal. The whole process was surreal.

But the having a nest egg part is cool and great, I guess. Not as cool as a flag in a box, of course, but okay in its own way.

It's moments like that though that make me really weirded out having people come in to pack and move us. It's not quite like being robbed, I mean we're paying them to take our stuff. But it's still uncomfortable to have someone paw through all of your things. Though sometimes it's like being robbed as well. In the Navy you could either have them move you or take the move allowance and do it yourself. We let them move us. So packing team comes in packs everything up then they show up at your new duty station and unload and unpack it all as well. So Florida to Idaho Falls they pack up our very small apartment, we didn't even own a dining room table at that point. The bed was on a metal frame, no bedroom set. Just a living room couch, mattress, box springs and our clothes and such. So quick small job. 

We get to Idaho Falls and you check off all of the boxes as they bring them in. Everything is numbered. Great. Then we do the unpacking and...

One of the wardrobe boxes has some of my clothes. Not all of my clothes. There is a whole section that should have been in there that isn't. All of the boxes made it to Idaho, just not all of the things. But since we signed off on the boxes in Florida and then again in Idaho the moving company is like...Welp, sorry, but have you checked your suitcases? Crazy. Just lost half of my clothes, no big deal. Then when we moved up here the first time we got settled in and unpacked. Everything is great. YEARS later pulling out the binoculars for a school thing for C and...what the hell? The case is there, empty. Check the other pair and same thing. They lifted the binoculars out of the cases, packed the cases and figured most people don't use their binoculars often enough to notice for a very long time. 

So sometimes it's like being robbed by people you paid to do it.

Hopefully this time that won't happen. I mean everything is going from the house to the truck to the new house so a lot less time for shenanigans. I am also local so there isn't the comfort level of knowing the person you ripped off is a thousand miles away. 

It still makes me a little tense though. 

But yeah, moving plans are moving right along. Now we just need to cross our fingers that the house will actually be ready in time.  

Isn't it Romantic?

Okay, I'm a few days late for a true Valentine's Day post but since I don't celebrate it I think the fact that this is in the same week is pretty darn good.

And truthfully when I first decided to write this I didn't even think about the fact that Valentine's Day was just a few days ago.

BUT it still totally counts as a romantic Valentine's Day post. 

So let's get started.

I'm not a big romance fan. 

I mean the books. When I was a kid I used to read a few Harlequin novels. I also read a few Westerns. Those were the books my parents read. Mom had a continual stack of Harlequin's and Dad a continual stack of Westerns. They were exchanged every month at Don's for a new stack. And I got my books as well. And my library books. But I almost always ran out of reading material before the month was over. So I read my books, Jeff's comic books, Mom's romance books, and Dad's Western books.  

And every once in awhile in my 20s I would pick up the latest "you have to read this!" romance novel. But for the most part I really don't like them.

Romance is genre fiction. So most of it follows the genre check list for "romance." There's the meet, the get together (or almost together for variety), the thing that tears them apart, the reconciliation and the happily ever after. And back in the day is was almost always a simple misunderstanding or cross communication that tore them apart and the happily ever after was always a wedding. 

Boring. 

I mean you can't enjoy the first part of the story because you are waiting for the part you know is coming that is going to fuck everything up.

You can't be too concerned about the part that fucked everything up because you know it's all going to be okay in the end. 

And why are you getting married when one simple misunderstanding almost wrecked your whole relationship?

So for the most part I read other books and sometimes there is "romance" in there. I mean, I feel really badly for teenagers who grew up reading all of those books with love triangles. They are all pretty sure there should always be two wonderful yet different guys they have to choose from. One rich and blond, one brunette with a good heart. Honey, you are going to be lucky to find a super decent redhead who loves you like water, don't try to create drama.

As you can tell, the love triangle bits are my least favorite parts of the story. 

BUT...I have a lot of friends who read romance. And there are a lot of different types of romance out there now. Though a lot of it, let's be frank, isn't romance, it's erotica but it makes people feel better to say women are reading romance novels instead of women are getting turned on by some freaky shit. And some of it is really freaky. Like, I don't want to kink shame you, as long as you aren't hurting anyone, everyone is of age, and everyone is consenting, you do you, but honestly...what the hell?

So anyway...

The Bloggess has her Fantastic Stranglings book club and I joined back when she first started. The books she has chosen have been probably 80% books I never would have picked up on my own. But half of those have been really good. I've enjoyed getting exposed to different things than I normally would have. So when Nowhere (her bookstore) started the Happy Endings Book Club (romance novels, yes, it's funny) I thought, okay, I'll give those a shot. 

So I've been reading a romance book a month. And...

Still not my favorite genre. I've got two more to catch up on and then I'll probably stop. 

I mean I appreciate the choices that have been made in selecting the books. Queer couples. Body positive couples. Flipped gender expectations. Lots of abbreviations that I need to clear my history after looking up. It's been eye opening and interesting and makes me happy to see a lot of it. BUT...it's still, meet, get together, torn apart, back together, happily ever after. With a shocking amount (to me) still ending in marriage. Like there are all of these norms being broken and yet we still end up at I do. 

But reading them got me wondering about them. Why are they still so very popular? I mean, like I said, the basic structure has not changed the whole time I've been reading them, and that's got to be somewhere around 45 years. And I have to think they were the same before that for decades. I mean, Romeo and Juliet did it a little more than slight misunderstanding, but still, meet cute, almost together, misunderstanding tears them apart, reunited in death, maybe a happily ever after?

Why do we like that structure? 

Is it just wishing that life was always that tidy? That no matter what happens in your relationship it's easily put back together? Or are we worried when things are going too well? Like we feel like we need some sort of dramatic moment that tests the relationship?

I just don't get it. 

Brent and I almost broke up in high school over a misunderstanding. A difference in the way we communicate. A moment that would have had really long lasting consequences if a friend hadn't run interference and said, "He means" and "She heard"; so you would think I would love these sorts of stories. It's our story. Meet, get together, misunderstanding, reconciliation, marriage. But when it happened it was awful. And it took a lot of patching up to get back to where we were on the same page. And then years of learning how to speak to each other in ways that the other person could hear and understand so it didn't happen again. It wasn't simple. It was heartbreaking and then hard work with more than a few tears. 

But also with some things thrown in that you'd need to clear your browser history after searching so maybe not all that different...

So yes, there are a lot more queer love stories out there. And a lot more body positive stories. And a lot more sex positive. And a lot more gender expectations be damned. But there are still a ton of silly misunderstandings leading to no stakes consequences because it's all going to end up okay. 

And maybe that's what is great about them. 

It's all going to end up okay. 

And can't we all use a lot more of that right now?

Maybe I'll read a few more after all. 

Trying Truckers are Trying...

We are hopefully seeing the end of the pandemic and moving toward the endemic phase. Hopefully. A lot depends on what comes after Omicron. Which we don't know yet. But hopefully.

I think the long Covid issues are going to be the biggest problem. 

Not just the symptoms that some people can't shake after getting Covid but the fault lines Covid has shown in our society. 

Right now there is a convoy of trucks in Canada that has been blocking streets and protesting in front of their government buildings for weeks. They are also blocking the roads leading in and out from the USA at certain spots. They are mad (from what I've seen) about the vaccine requirements and that they have to show a card to cross back and forth. The whole anti-vaxx thing that has brewed up. 

And I get it. They will say they aren't anti-vaxx they are anti being forced by the government to get vaccinated. I'll say what I've said before, they aren't being forced to do anything. IF they want to keep the jobs they have they have to get vaccinated and get the card. IF they don't want to get vaccinated and get the card they have to find other jobs. It's a job requirement. Among a lot of other job requirements. 

Truckers have to have special driver's licenses that show they know how to operate the giant vehicles they are driving. 

Food handlers (at least here) have to get a food handlers card to show they know the safety around food prep.

When I was an LMT I had to get licenses from the state that showed I knew what I was doing and how to do it safely. 

Crossing the border during a pandemic is safer if you are vaccinated. If you don't want to be vaccinated, fine, then get a different job. 

I know that's not a popular opinion and I am supposed to be all for "forcing" everyone to get vaccinated or for not having any requirements at all around vaccinations but I'm not. I think vaccinations are a good idea. I think we should all get them. I think it's lousy that there is so much crazy misinformation out there about them. I think companies and businesses should be able to decide how they want to handle allowing people in their spaces. If they feel like during a pandemic they want everyone around them vaccinated? Okay. If they feel like they don't really care. Okay. Just let people know what they can expect so they know how they want to handle it. 

Like, not going to work for someplace that requires vaccinations if you don't want to get one. 
Like, not going to a restaurant that doesn't require them if you have people that are vulnerable. 

And weigh your options. Make your decisions. 

But, for fuck's sake, don't block roads and honk your horns and act like the world is in a big conspiracy against you because you are traveling across the border and back during a pandemic and your employer says you need to be safe to do so. And right now the science says this is what is safest. If you don't agree, find a new job. I'm also slightly second hand embarassed that a lot of the funding going toward those Canadian truckers is coming from conservatives here in the US doing it to keep the culture wars active for the midterms. 

That's the calm me. That's the do what you are going to do but stop acting like anyone is forcing you to do things. They aren't. You just don't want the consequences of your actions. You don't want to get the vaccine but you also don't want to be told you can't go someplace because you don't have the vaccine. You feel like being told no is being forced to do the other thing. It's not. And again, I totally get it, I hate being told no. But if it's something I feel strongly about it's not like being told no has ever changed my stance. 

The really pissed off me? That's the one that is just so fucking sick and tired of the whole thing. Get it or don't but shut the fuck up. Deal with it. And understand that people who have lost loved ones, people who have gotten really sick, people who have immunocompromised people in their families are going to be pissed off at you. And they get to be. You want to feel your feelings? Fine, but know they (we) are feeling ours as well. 

My grand niece got to go home today after a few days in the hospital from Covid. She's 7. You know that age that those anti-vaxx, anti-mask, anti-science people keep telling you can't get Covid? Or can't get that sick? They can. They do. It's a total crapshoot right now on who gets really sick and who doesn't. It's kind of been one all along. Some people have gotten drastically ill. Some have skated on with nothing much. Some have died. You don't know how it's going to affect you. You don't know how it's going to affect the next person. So why wouldn't you want to do whatever you could to protect everyone? To keep everyone as safe as you possibly could? 

Get the vaccine. 
Get your card. 
Keep your job.
Or find something else to do.
Stop acting like...well I would say a child, but that's insulting to children. 

World Views...

I've talked about it before and I am sure I'll talk about it again but sometimes it's still shocking to see the totally different worlds we all live in now. 

Don't read any further if you are a fan of The Masked Singer and have somehow missed the spoiler for the first episode and the controversy surrounding it. 

Okay? We good?

When I saw the headline about Giuliani being on the show and Robin and Ken walking off set when he was revealed I was disgusted. Then I was mad. Then I had to admit my kid saw it coming back when they had Sarah Palin on. The network is using Masked Singer the same way they use Dancing with the Stars. It's the normalization and rehabilitation stop. Sean Spicer's first thing (I think it was his first) after leaving the White House was Dancing with the Stars after all. These are just people having fun!

And okay, sure, on one level that's absolutely true. Just people. I don't like Sarah Palin and at the time though it was a little shocking to see her on the show I thought at least she seems to have a bit of a sense of humor about herself. And I also thought that since she wasn't currently in politics, her family has now turned to reality TV to support themselves, really. Then it wasn't such a big deal. 

I stopped watching Dancing with the Stars a long time ago so though I thought it was way too soon for Spicer to be doing the rounds of "hey, I'm so fun!" I didn't really think much about it. Just ick for the most part. 

But this? Giuliani is still under investigation. He's still a prime person of interest in promoting the Big Lie which in and of itself is such a soft fucking term. He's one of the people who worked the hardest to overthrow a valid election. Insurrectionist piece of shit is what I'm saying. 

Numerous people on Fox had to sign off on him being on the show. Numerous. And nobody seemed to think treason was a good reason not to have him. 

Last year they had one of the Duck Dynasty guys on. So they are always trying to find inroads with their conservative audience. So I would expect every year to have someone who is not exactly my cup of tea get unmasked. But this? 

I took the show off of my season pass list and that's it for me. He's a treasonous son of a bitch. He's still out there peddling lies. Trump is still encouraging people to block voters, disregard votes that don't line up the way he wants them to, and to say that the last election was fraudulent, which again, it wasn't. Over and over it's been shown the only shenanigans were his. 

And then I saw the reaction from the right. 

And oh my gosh! It was a miracle! They were mad too! They were going to stop watching the show as well! They were livid that...

oh wait...

They were mad that Robin and Ken walked off the set. 

Well it was close to a bipartisan moment anyway. 

So I watched them post and talk about it and was just reminded again how very differently we see the world. They don't view January 6th as any big deal. Not anymore. Even the ones who, on the day, while it was happening, when they were watching it unfold, were aghast, appalled, called it for what it was. But now? Now that the right has spun and spun and spun they are pretty sure it was just a peaceful protest and an example of good citizens using their free speech to...not call for Mike Pence's death, that's for sure, that wasn't it. Not try and overthrow the election results, oh no that's not it. But something. Just something really peaceful. 

Trump is back to committing crimes in public so they don't think they are crimes. He said in a speech that if he's elected again he would pardon all of the people involved in January 6th. He also said if elections don't go the way "they should" that his people should march on New York, Atlanta...you know like they did DC. He's witness tampering and calling for more January 6th style violence. But in public. So they are good with it. 

It's been his M.O. the whole time. He just says the crime he's committing. Or just does it in the open. Then people think, well surely this can't be illegal or he wouldn't be so brazen. But it is. And he is. And if it weren't him they'd be livid. But he sure sticks it to the left so yay.

So yeah, just another reminder this week that even though we all agree and think Fox should be ashamed of themselves we completely disagree on why. We just don't see the world the same way. At all. 

I'm still not sure how we get back to a state where our differences aren't about to tear us completely apart. And where we should all agree that treasonous sons of bitches shouldn't be on TV variety shows. Unless it's like the Kissinger Who's A Bad American Hour.

February and I'm iFit but not IFIT iFit....

Okay so...

I've posted stories about my iFit workouts and my love of getting those challenge magnets and the trainers that bug the snot out of me and the ones that I really like and now we add the community...

Facebook recommended an iFit group to me. It's The Official iFit Drinking Group. They work out to have the calories to drink. Super funny. And the posts are mostly in line with that. Here is what I did for my workout today and here is my drink. They seem light hearted and kind of funny. I joined even though I'm not a big drinker. 

While reading their posts I discovered there is an official iFit group too. The Official iFit Member Page. Well okay then. I had already been following the just plain old iFit page to get updates about upcoming challenges and such, but this page seemed to have a lot more information so I went ahead and joined it as well. 

Wow. The people on that page are a LOT. Like a LOT. They are posting their finished workouts and the goals they've reached and there are more than a few people that have already done 100 workouts for the year. 

One Hundred. 

Thirty one days in. 

What??

I was like, that's crazy! Then...the 300 Workouts Done people started flowing in. 

TEN WORKOUTS A DAY?? WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?

Now, due to the "I bet you cheated by...." people who posted I know there are a lot of ways to get credit for a lot of workouts. Like if you download their app and run it while you are doing other things you get credit for a workout. Or if you start a workout and stop it after 10 minutes you get credit. Or if you are doing their meditation it counts. And on and on. Now the people who have DONE 10 WORKOUTS A DAY are like...nuh uh...I just like to workout and I spend my entire day going between my bike, my treadmill, my rower, and my new cabinet. (It's like a Black Mirror thing, weights store inside the workout plays on a giant screen on the front that you mimic, not going to lie, I kind of want one)

But still, that's a lot of hours a day to put toward working out. 

And as a former LMT I read some of the posts and want to just reach through the screen and stop people and send them to their doctors. My foot hurts, my knees hurt, my hips ache, my...on and on. But they are looking for braces and work outs that won't bother them. People, it's because you're putting WAY too much stress on your body. You can't go from the couch to 3 hours running on a treadmill without risking stress fractures. GO TO THE DOCTOR.

So anyway, I'm in two groups right now that are associated with my treadmill workout program. One that drinks a lot and one that brags about workouts a lot. Let's see how long I last in them! My money is on the drinking group being the one that sticks, I mean they set up a game that you take a shot for each time Chris says "in and of itself" during a workout but you have to keep track and do them after the workout so you don't pass out half way through. I might not enjoy the booze but the snark is *chef's kiss*

Now I just have to keep my fingers crossed that the lawsuit against iFit is settled quickly without completely crashing the company. It would be a huge bummer to lose out on all of my magnet chances, even if I'm not going to get the one for 500 workouts in a year even though apparently Kyle from Pocatello is getting his next week....

I tell you when I think someone is a bit obsessive well...