Almost...

Looking at my On This Day feed on Facebook for last year and I made a post about writing my 100th blog of the year. This will be my 99th, so I'm almost caught up. If I continue to write every day this month by the end of May I will be exactly on track. 

Not that it matters...but...it matters.

Then if I just write 5 fiction pieces and 13 nonfiction pieces a month I will hit the goal I set for last year. If I write more than that I will hit the numbers I hit last year. Do we have any bets on which on I will actually aim for?

I do know that writing has been really challenging this year and it will just get worse. I don't want to keep harping on the election what what TFG is doing right now but it takes up so much oxygen that it's hard to find other things to write about. 

I also know I've written about pretty much everything from my past, and what makes me me and I'd guess that even the first time through it wasn't all that interesting to anyone else but me. I mean it's my navel I'm gazing at, I don't expect you all to find it all that enthralling. 

But then again, I treat my blog as a journal, not a literary masterpiece so if it's filled with the same stories over and over that is what I'm thinking about at the time so maybe it's no big deal? 

I guess what I'm saying is you can expect a few pieces about TFG when I just need to get the noise out of my head. A lot of pieces on my ongoing body acceptance struggles and maybe some stuff on what I'm starting to learn about VAST (also known as ADHD or ADD). 

I'm also doing Duolingo with Brent and starting over on my Spanish so maybe I'll write about that bossy owl. 

OH! And I think I mentioned, I picked back up Calm to try and well, find a way to calm my head down at times. I've tried so many times over the years to meditate and I sort of unlocked the secret last time I was using Calm. Your goal isn't to have a clear head. Your goal is to recognize the thoughts then let them go. Don't ruminate, don't dwell, don't overthink. Oh! Well that's...not much easier actually, but at least it's doable. 

It's kind of funny in a way, or at least to me. I started this year wanting to have no goals because I didn't think I needed them, it's not like what I do changes much based on a goal or not. Then I discovered that even if I'm doing the same things I feel better if there is a goal around them. And now I'm sort of figuring out that I feel even better if I stuff a lot into my head. The language, the meditation, the nonfiction reading, the fiction reading, the nonfiction writing, the fiction writing, all of the things it takes to run the house. It's sort of like if my head is really stuffed then I don't run in circles chasing the same half dozen patterns. 

Either that or I am on the verge of a manic cycle and later this year when it leaves I will be dragging my ass in here to try and find ANYTHING to write about because NOTHING is sparking interest. 

I have a feeling it's a little bit of both. 

And, oh my goodness would I love to have a bit of a manic cycle. So productive! If I could figure out how to trigger small ones without the inevitable swing back I would be so happy. 

Brent says cocaine. 

He's joking. Sort of.

But I do imagine that's why people use cocaine or meth. It gives that bump of energy and clarity the first time, or first few times. Then it all falls apart. Manic depression through chemistry. 

It's why I have never done any drug aside from alcohol. I'm just not sure what my particular brain chemistry would do if I altered it like that. I'll keep my own natural highs and lows and manage them through exercise and food and gold stars. 

(As an aside, if you need medication to manage your own chemistry there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I've talked with different doctors over the years about medication and we've all agreed that for now I manage my mental health well enough through food, exercise, and my own coping skills, BUT if I ever have a depressive cycle like I did a few years ago I will for sure medicate. It's just like diabetes or high blood pressure or anything else that you might need help regulating. Better living through science.)

And yeah, I know as you read this you are thinking, Oh for sure edge of a manic cycle. But also know we went to Insomnia for coffee and what you are actually seeing right now is extra coffee and no workout so...

Brain dump for the 99th blog. Now to think of something profound for #100 tomorrow. 

Or I will pull a fiction piece from the Dana files and you'll get that. 

Most likely that because I haven't written for the Dana exchange yet and I'll probably focus on that tomorrow instead. 

Okay, that's it. Now is where you regret ever thinking, I wonder what it's like inside her head...