Well...

This is a pure ranting blog. Personal ranty. Not political. Though systemic ranty. And our politics lines up with the same issues, but, personal ranting. 

I realized something last night and it made me so mad I had a hard time sleeping. 

You know I stopped weighing myself in May. I was so frustrated with my weight and how it could affect my mood that I decided to just stop weighing in. Nothing was budging the number down, it was only going up slowly but steadily and it was just making me so frustrated. 

My weight has been fairly stable for a few years. I've got a fairly decent sized wardrobe now because of it. But right now I'm like a toddler. Just because it fit today doesn't mean it will fit next Friday. And a lot of what I'm wearing I'm sort of smooshing myself into as best as I can. 

Saturday when I got my hair done Sara was tucking in the protector for my dress and the extra pull of her fingers was too much for the hijab magnet holding the front together to stand. It had been doing a valiant job of keeping the material closed, but it was a lot of stress for a little magnet and BOOM! off it shot. There was a time that I would have crawled under her chair and died of embarrassment. Instead I told her that I was ten pounds of mud in a five pound sack held together with magnets so this is what happens. 

I don't want to buy new clothes. If my thyroid kicks back in I will hopefully lose the ten pounds that has crept on since the end of last year. If my thyroid is completely giving up the ghost and they put me on thyroid medication hopefully I will lose the ten pounds that has crept on since the end of last year. Most of the information I can find on it is that people tend to lose weight when they go on. Ten percent of your body weight is the average, which would cover that 10 pounds easily. And then my clothes would fit again. 

I won't know until August and who knows how much extra weight I will have packed on by then. And if it's not my thyroid then I am not sure exactly what I am going to do. I have zero urge to buy all new clothes. And less than zero urge to watch my weight keep doing that slow and steady climb knowing it will mean buying all new clothes over and over again. 

But that's not the rant. 

This is the rant. 

Knowing that I had gained weight and couldn't get it to come off and that I had been gaining at a steady enough clip that I just stopped weighing in because it was pissing me off to do so; when my doctor asked me if I had unexplained weight gain in the past year I answered no. 

Because it wouldn't be unexplained. Everything and everyone (including my doctor) has told me that at my age and being post menopausal weight gain is going to happen. And losing weight is next to impossible. It's a constant drumbeat through medical visits, through Facebook ads, through weight loss surgery ads, oxempic commercials and articles; weight gain is impossible to stop. 

So in my head it wasn't unexplained. It was what I should expect as normal.

Except it wasn't normal. It was a sign that something was wrong. My thyroid was crapping out. Which no big deal right I mean it only controls (checks notes) EVERYTHING. 

As women especially the level of gaslighting that happens on a near constant basis is so hard to push past. Even if you are a smash the patriarchy listen to me when I talk to you badass you still have been gaslit so often you now gaslight yourself. 

My weight was going up for no real reason. I justified it by first saying, well I'm not working out as hard as I was because my injury kept me from lifting really heavy, even though I did cut back my calories when I stopped lifting because I didn't need the extra protein, but, still. Totally expected. And then when I did start working out harder my weight still didn't go down, but you know, I'm almost 56 so I guess this is just what happens. I'll just stop weighing in. 

I'll just ignore the problem.

I'll just tell myself there is no problem.

I'll even say there is no problem when asked if there is a problem because everyone keeps telling me it's what I should expect. 

Ugh. 

And I don't really have an answer because even when we were reviewing my blood test results and I said, "Hunh, I guess this might explain the weight." my doctor said, "Well and you're 56."

EVEN WITH THE THYROID LEVELS RIGHT THERE.

And my doctor isn't some sort of monster. She is, in fact, a mid fifties woman who has been going through all of the same physical issues at a similar clip. I recommended a BedJet to her for her own night sweats, in fact. But she gets the same information that I do, just from a different level. 

Because we don't focus on women's health. We are just recently starting to test drugs on women instead of just lowering to dose that was given to men and saying, close enough! We rely on old information, like estrogen replacement therapy is dangerous, when it isn't. We don't pursue alternate paths for aging bodies. We just say, "eh, that's the way it goes."

So when something does start to go wonky we tell ourselves, Eh, that's the way it goes. 

Fuck that. 

Let me be the lesson for you. If your weight starts to steadily climb, get your hormone and thyroid levels checked. If your doctor asks you if there have been changes to your weight, your sleep, you appetite, don't censor yourself by thinking oh it's nothing. You don't know. They don't know. Until you give all of the information they run the tests you won't know. Don't gaslight yourself.

Think to yourself, do I want to shoot someone's eye out with the magnet holding my blouse together? If the answer is no, get your answers. 

If the answer is yes, make sure you record it, I bet it goes for a lot on Only Fans. Do it in bare feet and you might be retiring early. 

So that's my rant. 

And now I will wait to get retested and also see if it starts back up. Go little butterfly gland go! I have so many cute things I'd like to wear again.