Label It...

I promise I'll write about something else soon. I'm just processing all of this and one of the ways I process is by writing. 

When I got back from the doctor's office on Monday and told Brent about the ADD diagnosis he asked if having a label made me feel better. And I said it did. It made me feel like I wasn't making things up. Like it really is a challenge for me to do certain things. That even though it rarely looks like a struggle to the outside world, it is a struggle and that's okay because now I have this label that says struggling is normal.

And it's also weird. And part of why he asked, I'm sure. In the past I have railed against labels. I think we tend to do too much labeling and boxing ourselves in and others out with them. I've always chafed against a label. Don't try and define me. 

But then something switched and I found out that I actually like my labels. 

Or maybe I just like the ones I agree with, or make sense to me, or makes sense of something about me. 

I mean I've always had labels. We all define ourselves in a lot of ways. But the challenge happens when we think that label means the same thing to everyone as it does to us. 

I'm left handed. That's easy enough. It's a straightforward label. Though I'm also ambidextrous in a variety of things. A lot of left handed people are. We don't have the option to be fully left handed like right handed people do. The world is designed for the righties so you figure out what you can do with your right hand and do that. If you are left handed and I say, I'm left handed, you understand that this means I prefer to use my left hand but I use my right as well. If you are right handed you are shocked when you then see me use right handed scissors, or bowl with my right hand, or throw a ball with my right hand. 

I'm a wife and a mother. What does that mean to you when you hear it? Do you just think, okay, married and has at least one child. Or do you get a picture of June Cleaver in your head? Or Peg Bundy? I mean both wives and mothers but totally different pictures. The label fits both of them, but the contents may vary.

Then we get into other even more complicated labels. 

I'm bisexual. I've talked about how I didn't use that label for a long time because I'm in a hetero relationship that I've been in since I was a teenager. I didn't date women before I got married because I got married at 18. I always felt like no struggle no parade. But years of talking to people about bi erasure and fighting for visibility and your current partner does not change who you are attracted to and I thought..okay, yeah. It's important for me to actually say, I'm bisexual. To stand in full visibility during times when people are trying to shove other members of the community back in the closet. I'm obviously an ally as well, but I'm not just an ally to the LGTQIA2S+ I'm the B. And as I've always known I am that B I will be sure to use the label. 

I'm bipolar. This one is a scarier one to use. I don't even think I told Brent right away when my doctor said, Yeah, this is you, but it's mild so I wouldn't worry about it. I took the it's mild don't worry about it and just tucked it away for years and years. And I prefer manic depressive over bipolar. Because it's not a two points on the pole thing. It's a pendulum swing for me. Most of the time I swing in the middle. A little flash of manic here, a little slower and depressed there. But never so manic that I cause huge issues or so depressed that I can't function. It's a gentle swing. And one I manage with exercise and diet. Which is what my doctor really meant when she said don't worry about it, that I was managing it and could continue to manage it that way. If there came a time I was unable to manage it then we would talk medication. That time hasn't come yet. And most people have no idea I'm bipolar. And I would imagine I could go back to a doctor now for a diagnosis and not get the same one. And I even wonder now if the bipolar diagnosis was actually a missed diagnosis for ADD with a touch of depression. And that I'm actually managing the depression part and the manic is just a reflection of the split attention from ADD. It's an interesting thing to think about. But for now I'll stick with manic depression as the label.

And then add ADD. I definitely don't have ADHD. My hyperactivity is limited to my brain. With a little bit of fidgeting. But this will be another one that will be invisible to most people. And it will depend on what you think of when you hear ADD. Do I fit that mold for you? I would not have thought so even just last year. My own personal view of it is someone who has a hard time concentrating and sitting still and is probably messy and unorganized. That was my box I had built for everyone else. But it turns out that it's a little more complicated than that. I can concentrate, but I am also easily distracted. I'm the queen of random connections. And rabbit holes. And odd bits of knowledge that I've picked up over the years from those moments of distraction and following rabbits. A lot of what I do to keep myself on task I found out are the things that a counselor will try and teach you to do to help keep yourself on track. Along with the obsessive nature of interests. Like I think I've mentioned I cannot keep games on my phone like Candy Crush, I will play for literal hours. I get locked in and just drop everything else. It's also why I periodically drop Facebook posting. I get too focused on it to the detriment of other things and moderation isn't a strong suit. Which is a trait for people with ADD and ADHD. With the suggestion of don't have things around you that you can't moderate. Like phone games. I've spent so much time figuring out what works for me that I figured it out without the label. So do I need the label? Well no. But then again yes. The label says to me that all of this stuff is valid. 

All of my silly little goals and gold stars and tasks and checklists and schedules. That they aren't actually all that silly after all. That all of the people who have discounted them over the years I was right when I told them to fuck off and mind their business. I like being right. Almost as much as I like telling people to fuck off. 

Kidding. 

Sort of. 

I mean, I've had a ton of people give me shit about being an adult motivated by stars and rewards. Like there was a magic age that I was supposed to reach where I could just be self motivated and not even need a checklist. But I did need those things. I do need those things. Every time I try to go without, to just be an adult and do stuff, things start to fall apart. Things don't get done, or don't get done in a timely manner. I start to just drift. I figured it out, sure, I found what works for me, absolutely. But it's nice to know that there was a reason why I need these systems and guard rails. There's nothing wrong with me, but there is something different in the way my brain is wired. 

So the labels help. Even the ones that don't get shared very often. Or discussed in most company. I have those labels like tabs in a notebook. Turn to the section on manic depression and understand why I have not moved from the couch today, or conversely why I haven't sat down today. Turn to the section on ADD and pull up the checklist for things that need to be done this week. Turn to the section on bisexuality and understand why Brent gets nervous if Charlize Theron is filming in Portland. And right now turn to the section on Thyroid function and feel better about the extra weight that just showed up a few months ago and you can't seem to budge. (See just stop weighing in as an ADD response to the negative reaction)

We all end up with labels. And I think we get to pick and choose which ones are helpful to us and which ones we ignore. And YOU get to do the choosing. The labels other people apply to you? Those aren't your burden. I mean I know that there are a lot of people I've crossed paths with that have a lot of unflattering labels for me. And for the most part they aren't labels I attach to myself. Or if I do attach them, I don't view them as negative. Sure I'm the B in LGBT but I'm also the B that will stand up for the underdogs and step in with a fuck off when it's needed. Different B words. Neither one that I view as negative. 

I'm still figuring out what the ADD label will mean to me other than just a bit of relief. And I will write more about it as I'm figuring it out. 

Which means another step closer to that writing goal. Boom!