Do You Really Want to Eat That?

One of the things I've actually kept from growing up in the church is the mindset to be careful what you consume. Not foodwise so much, but media and influences. Though you are what you eat does work here. 

Be careful what you consume lest it consume you. 

The church was trying to keep us away from things like secular music and books, but it's actually good advice. Just make sure you are the one choosing, not some patriarchal organization that wants to limit your knowledge so they can control you. 

Be mindful of what you are watching, who you are listening to, what media you consume.

There are a ton of studies out there that talk about how if you hear something multiple times you start to believe it. Or at least start to think, well there must be something there. Our minds really like short cuts. And hearing things over and over turns that bit into a yeah, I know this. 

So be careful what and who you are listening to.

Brent and I get recommended TV shows all the time that we end up watching an episode or two and then stop. Sometimes we will get all the way to the end of the first season because everyone SWEARS it's great. But it's not great. Not for us. Our number one reason for not watching a show is that we don't like the characters. Like not that they are poorly acted, or the writing is bad, usually just the opposite. Really talented acting, really good writing, of really unlikable people. If there is nothing redeeming there, we don't watch. Both of us believe if we wouldn't be able to tolerate you in real life, we don't want to spend our entertainment time on you either. 

That's not to say we don't watch things with bad guys, or anti heroes, we both loved Breaking Bad and Better Call Saul. But there was something else there aside from just bad behavior by unpleasant people. Like you felt for Jesse. You wanted him to come to his senses. You watched Saul knowing it was a villain origin story. But White Lotus? Watch rich people out asshole each other? We made it all the way through the first season and I tried two episodes of season two because people SWORE it was so much better. But yuck. I don't want to be around any of them. 

There is a whole kerfuffle right now happening in the world of the BookTok Girlies. There is a group of them who are lusting after an actual murderer. They've read so many books with toxic male leads that were turned around by the love of a good woman that they think real life is the same. It's not. I'd say to ask the women he murdered, but you know, he murdered them. Those girlies consumed way too much of the wrong kind of media. I get that it's just pretend, and it's just fiction, but they still filed it away in their brains as a thing that could happen. They could totally change the man with the swastika tattooed on his face into a good guy who only kills people who bother you like a good book boyfriend would.

I had a friend on Facebook that I had to drop off of my list. No matter how many ways I tried to get Facebook to stop showing me what he commented on it would show up in my feed. And he liked to go to the groups with the worst type of people and comment on their posts. He wasn't agreeing with them, he was seeking out the arguments. He enjoyed that. But what would happen is he would comment and it would show up in my feed. It was like having feces thrown at me when I logged on to Facebook. I do not want the shit on my feed. I don't like seeing that there are people out there in the world who think that way, who believe just awful things. But they are there and since he would comment it would show up on my feed. And since I'm not about to tell him what he can and cannot do in his free time I cut him off my list so I didn't have to see it anymore.

Politics. Oh my god...Did you know Joe Biden is old? I did. It's why I didn't watch the debate. I already know Biden is old and I already know Trump is incapable of telling the truth, and also old. One of those things really bothers me. One isn't ideal and I wish there was a younger viable candidate, but there isn't, this is what we have to choose from, and honestly Biden's done a decent job in his first term. So I didn't watch the debate. And I've tried really hard not to read much about it. 

I checked with two different sources that I trust. One who I knew would put it all in perspective and one who would vent his spleen about it but not panic. The rest is just noise at this point. 

I could spend the day reading opinion piece after opinion piece about how Biden being old is the worst thing in the world while they ignore the completely bat shit things Trump said. Or the fact that at no point in the debate was Trump asked about Project 2025 which he should have been. Like a lot of pointed and direct questions about what is in there. But he wasn't. Because the media is not your friend. They don't want answers, they want sensationalism. They want you terrified and tuning in every night to get that hit of fear. 

Don't give them your fear. Find a few sources that you trust and check in with them. But don't just consume all of it like drinking from a fire hose. It's just not good for you. 

And speaking of not good for you...

It's time for me to take another little breather from Facebook. My almost annual break at this point. Dry July in a different form? Like save me from drowning in bullshit dry?

It will sort of look like I'm there, because my pictures cross post from Instagram, and when I post a blog I'll link to my Totally Random Page but I won't really be there. 

If you need me, or even just want a quick chat, messenger still works even when I'm not logging on to Facebook. And of course if you comment on Instagram I'll see it. And if you comment on the Totally Random Page I'll see it the next time I post a blog. So I'm not going to be totally gone, but I need a break. 

Be careful what you consume lest it consume you. 

I'm feeling a little like the negative political landscape is consuming me right now. I don't just mean the horrific things our Supreme Court is deciding right now (It's legal to take bribes as long as you call them gratuity and get them after you grant the favor {you know, like a tip for good service} and it's illegal to sleep on the street even if all of the shelter beds are full, basically it's not a crime to be a corrupt politician but it is a crime to be poor oh and they turned over another 50+ year precedent and made the judicial system the grand high rulers of interpreting everything right after legalizing bribes...so you know, yay...) So even though that's a lot. It's more the constant onslaught in statuses and news posts and just the bullshit people are saying. 

And I don't even feel that badly about it this year. The whole internal debate of if I should or if I shouldn't that I normally struggle with. One of the things I found out when researching the ADD brain is how hard moderation is. The ADD brain is more likely to work like a switch than a slider. It's on or off for behaviors. For a long time I've struggle with the idea of just doing less with things, but my comfort zone is I'm either full on or full off. To quote the great rock band Guns N' Roses "I used to do a little but a little wouldn't do it so the little got more and more" That's my head. I can try to do a little but then an hour will have passed and I will have been absentmindedly scrolling along reading everything. It's the same reason I don't have Candy Crush or other little fun phone games on my phone. I will play them to the detriment of everything else.  

So it's time for a break. 

I also know it won't lead to me dropping Facebook, it never does, but it does reset my usage and for a while when I start again I won't be on as much, because there will be new habits. For awhile until it all creeps back up to too much, until next year when I start it all over again. 

But that's July. So you'll see me everywhere over the weekend and then your feeds will get a lot quieter for a bit. 

Which might give you time to decide if what you are consuming is good for you or not. 

I hope to see you when I get back, if not I'll totally understand. (imagine a cheesy grin here, of course I think I'M good for you!)

To Market...To Market...

"I don't think there is a market for it."

"You know you can't write for a market. You have to write what you want and if there is a market for it, great, but if not you just write the next thing. Writing has to be done because you can't not write."

"That's great. I mean really. Good strong advice. If I want to work in an office for the rest of my life and write in the fifteen minutes I have free daily. If I want to make a living as a writer I need to write for a market."

"No, I'm saying you can't do that. Sure, yeah, to make a living you need to sell, but you can't write with that mindset. Your work will be, what is the word I'm looking for? Uninspired. Formulaic. Dull..."

"Profitable. There are reasons there are tropes. People like their work to fall into genres and to hit all the expected beats. I need to write something for them."

"Then I guess watch a lot of BookTok and write what they are reading."

"No. Once it's with the BookTok Girlies it's already saturated. And I don't think I want to write about how toxic men are really fun and cool as long as they are in books and there's no harm to it if they're fiction but come on, in ten or twenty years we are going to look back at this and say, what the fuck? Like seriously what the fuck? Why did everyone get on board with a bunch of fiction telling women to date the embodiment of human red flags who then change into werewolves and get even MORE violent and possessive?"

"Okay...so tell me how you really feel."

"Sorry. It's just not for me. How is that? That's better right. But that's my problem. I want to write something that will sell, but a lot of what sell is just not for me."

"And that's my point. You cannot write something that isn't for you. It will be terrible. If you don't like it, how are you going to write something that someone else will like?"

"But there's no market for sweet, dull people just living their best lives at the Farmer's Market."

"Well you could put in a little drama, right? Or you could channel it all into like Hallmark Christmas movies type stuff. Sweet, dull people reuniting at the Farmer's Market after dating toxic red flags? Maybe there will be an exodus of BookTok Girlies wanting to detox? You could be leading edge."

"Books to detox with. A new genre."

"Oh! Real Fiction. You could write fiction that feels real. But better. Like there is never a what did you just say about January 6th moment. Or no need to find out what their stance is on human rights because everyone in your book universe is decent."

"I think Schitt's Creek already did that, didn't they? Like wasn't that what he said he wanted, was a world where everyone was just decent and then he dropped their family into it?"

"Is that what it was? Oh. Okay, that makes sense. But see? There was a market for it! And Ted Lasso too! Like the decent people were the heroes. And even the drama wasn't all that dramatic. Write books like those TV shows."

"So my market is for people who unapologetically love drama free, boring people."

"Buying vegetables at the Farmer's Market."

"So that's who then? You and me, but I'll give you a copy for free so..."

"We'll figure it out. I'm telling you. Write what you want and the market will come later."

"So did you want to go to the Farmer's Market with me tomorrow?"

"What? No. How fucking boring would that be..."

Label It...

I promise I'll write about something else soon. I'm just processing all of this and one of the ways I process is by writing. 

When I got back from the doctor's office on Monday and told Brent about the ADD diagnosis he asked if having a label made me feel better. And I said it did. It made me feel like I wasn't making things up. Like it really is a challenge for me to do certain things. That even though it rarely looks like a struggle to the outside world, it is a struggle and that's okay because now I have this label that says struggling is normal.

And it's also weird. And part of why he asked, I'm sure. In the past I have railed against labels. I think we tend to do too much labeling and boxing ourselves in and others out with them. I've always chafed against a label. Don't try and define me. 

But then something switched and I found out that I actually like my labels. 

Or maybe I just like the ones I agree with, or make sense to me, or makes sense of something about me. 

I mean I've always had labels. We all define ourselves in a lot of ways. But the challenge happens when we think that label means the same thing to everyone as it does to us. 

I'm left handed. That's easy enough. It's a straightforward label. Though I'm also ambidextrous in a variety of things. A lot of left handed people are. We don't have the option to be fully left handed like right handed people do. The world is designed for the righties so you figure out what you can do with your right hand and do that. If you are left handed and I say, I'm left handed, you understand that this means I prefer to use my left hand but I use my right as well. If you are right handed you are shocked when you then see me use right handed scissors, or bowl with my right hand, or throw a ball with my right hand. 

I'm a wife and a mother. What does that mean to you when you hear it? Do you just think, okay, married and has at least one child. Or do you get a picture of June Cleaver in your head? Or Peg Bundy? I mean both wives and mothers but totally different pictures. The label fits both of them, but the contents may vary.

Then we get into other even more complicated labels. 

I'm bisexual. I've talked about how I didn't use that label for a long time because I'm in a hetero relationship that I've been in since I was a teenager. I didn't date women before I got married because I got married at 18. I always felt like no struggle no parade. But years of talking to people about bi erasure and fighting for visibility and your current partner does not change who you are attracted to and I thought..okay, yeah. It's important for me to actually say, I'm bisexual. To stand in full visibility during times when people are trying to shove other members of the community back in the closet. I'm obviously an ally as well, but I'm not just an ally to the LGTQIA2S+ I'm the B. And as I've always known I am that B I will be sure to use the label. 

I'm bipolar. This one is a scarier one to use. I don't even think I told Brent right away when my doctor said, Yeah, this is you, but it's mild so I wouldn't worry about it. I took the it's mild don't worry about it and just tucked it away for years and years. And I prefer manic depressive over bipolar. Because it's not a two points on the pole thing. It's a pendulum swing for me. Most of the time I swing in the middle. A little flash of manic here, a little slower and depressed there. But never so manic that I cause huge issues or so depressed that I can't function. It's a gentle swing. And one I manage with exercise and diet. Which is what my doctor really meant when she said don't worry about it, that I was managing it and could continue to manage it that way. If there came a time I was unable to manage it then we would talk medication. That time hasn't come yet. And most people have no idea I'm bipolar. And I would imagine I could go back to a doctor now for a diagnosis and not get the same one. And I even wonder now if the bipolar diagnosis was actually a missed diagnosis for ADD with a touch of depression. And that I'm actually managing the depression part and the manic is just a reflection of the split attention from ADD. It's an interesting thing to think about. But for now I'll stick with manic depression as the label.

And then add ADD. I definitely don't have ADHD. My hyperactivity is limited to my brain. With a little bit of fidgeting. But this will be another one that will be invisible to most people. And it will depend on what you think of when you hear ADD. Do I fit that mold for you? I would not have thought so even just last year. My own personal view of it is someone who has a hard time concentrating and sitting still and is probably messy and unorganized. That was my box I had built for everyone else. But it turns out that it's a little more complicated than that. I can concentrate, but I am also easily distracted. I'm the queen of random connections. And rabbit holes. And odd bits of knowledge that I've picked up over the years from those moments of distraction and following rabbits. A lot of what I do to keep myself on task I found out are the things that a counselor will try and teach you to do to help keep yourself on track. Along with the obsessive nature of interests. Like I think I've mentioned I cannot keep games on my phone like Candy Crush, I will play for literal hours. I get locked in and just drop everything else. It's also why I periodically drop Facebook posting. I get too focused on it to the detriment of other things and moderation isn't a strong suit. Which is a trait for people with ADD and ADHD. With the suggestion of don't have things around you that you can't moderate. Like phone games. I've spent so much time figuring out what works for me that I figured it out without the label. So do I need the label? Well no. But then again yes. The label says to me that all of this stuff is valid. 

All of my silly little goals and gold stars and tasks and checklists and schedules. That they aren't actually all that silly after all. That all of the people who have discounted them over the years I was right when I told them to fuck off and mind their business. I like being right. Almost as much as I like telling people to fuck off. 

Kidding. 

Sort of. 

I mean, I've had a ton of people give me shit about being an adult motivated by stars and rewards. Like there was a magic age that I was supposed to reach where I could just be self motivated and not even need a checklist. But I did need those things. I do need those things. Every time I try to go without, to just be an adult and do stuff, things start to fall apart. Things don't get done, or don't get done in a timely manner. I start to just drift. I figured it out, sure, I found what works for me, absolutely. But it's nice to know that there was a reason why I need these systems and guard rails. There's nothing wrong with me, but there is something different in the way my brain is wired. 

So the labels help. Even the ones that don't get shared very often. Or discussed in most company. I have those labels like tabs in a notebook. Turn to the section on manic depression and understand why I have not moved from the couch today, or conversely why I haven't sat down today. Turn to the section on ADD and pull up the checklist for things that need to be done this week. Turn to the section on bisexuality and understand why Brent gets nervous if Charlize Theron is filming in Portland. And right now turn to the section on Thyroid function and feel better about the extra weight that just showed up a few months ago and you can't seem to budge. (See just stop weighing in as an ADD response to the negative reaction)

We all end up with labels. And I think we get to pick and choose which ones are helpful to us and which ones we ignore. And YOU get to do the choosing. The labels other people apply to you? Those aren't your burden. I mean I know that there are a lot of people I've crossed paths with that have a lot of unflattering labels for me. And for the most part they aren't labels I attach to myself. Or if I do attach them, I don't view them as negative. Sure I'm the B in LGBT but I'm also the B that will stand up for the underdogs and step in with a fuck off when it's needed. Different B words. Neither one that I view as negative. 

I'm still figuring out what the ADD label will mean to me other than just a bit of relief. And I will write more about it as I'm figuring it out. 

Which means another step closer to that writing goal. Boom!

Oh One More Part!

Part of the screening for ADD/ADHD that my doctor did was a blood panel. Checked my vitamin B levels, my general WBC/RBC and some other blood components counts, and my thyroid. Any of those things being off can cause concentration issues. 

And ta da! I have subclinical hypothyroidism. Which can either mean I'm on the way to hypothyroidism which I will need to medicate. Or it will resolve itself within a few months and go back to fine. So we will retest at my normal August check up and see where I stand then. 

The normal side effects are high blood pressure, weight gain, tiredness, trouble concentrating, and constipation. Or basically all of the side effects of being over 55 as well. Or at least a lot of the same ones. 

The funny thing, odd thing, now makes sense thing, is that last week when she took my vitals my blood pressure was high. My blood pressure is never high. It's almost comically low most of the time. I wrote it off to standing up right before she took it and also being super uncomfortable talking about possibly having ADD. Then yesterday they took my blood pressure at the dentist and it was high again. And that was before she starting the cleaning. Which if it had been after I wouldn't have been shocked. It was a brutal cleaning.

But I thought, well, they do the weird wrist measurement and I had just walked in so maybe it wasn't resting levels?

But it looks like it's a side effect of the SH. 

The scary side effects are higher potential for heart attacks, congestive heart failure and stroke. So yeah, I'll be keeping an eye on it. 

But when the levels came back high I did think, are you fucking kidding me? Every single thing in my life comes with weight gain as a side effect. Menopause: one of the most common thing that happens is weight gain. Estrogen to mitigate the other side effects from menopause: the side effect is weight gain. Aging in general: weight gain. And now I get a thyroid that is if not giving up the ghost at least taking a little rest break. 

It's not helping my trying to not focus on my weight thing I can tell you that much. 

And now here is where I admit that if the medication would make me lose this extra 6 pounds that I've gained this year FOR NO REASON (oh wait, maybe there is a reason) then I'd like to just start it now. I'm at the point where I'm looking at my closet and wondering how many things I'm going to have to get rid of because they just don't fit anymore. 

It's also a big draw for the Ritalin. That is the one medication that's been on my potential list that doesn't have weight gain as a side effect. It has potential weight loss. But not for everyone. Which is the potential part. And you just know if I do decide to use it I will be in the portion that does not get that side effect but the increased appetite side effect which as you know leads to weight gain... Good thing if I do decide to take it, it won't be for the potential weight loss.

So for right now I wait and tell myself that this extra bump of weight is probably due to the thyroid either crapping out or at least taking a nap and that in a few months I'll be able to hopefully drop some of it. 

If not I guess I will have a closet full of clothes for anyone who wants them?

Ugh...

There You Have It...

Adult ADD Inattentive Type

So yeah, that's what I have. Add it to the list. Or I guess ADD it to the list. Oh I crack myself up.

I am not going to try the medication. At least not right now. I've got my regular check up in August and we will revisit it then, but for right now I'm going to think about it a little longer and then decide. 

The biggest reason why I'm waiting, okay, wait, there are a lot of reasons and I'll touch on a few here but the first thing that makes me want to wait is that it doesn't really hinder me much. 

Like, okay, things are probably harder for me in some areas than they are for other people. I'm absent minded, I'm easily distracted, I have to have things written down, and in multiple places for me to have a chance of remembering them. I am often hood sliding into appointments because I am an overly optimistic time estimator and think I always have enough time to do one more thing real quick. (Narrator voice, she does not)

But when we were going over the coping skills that can be of use to people with ADD that can be used either along with or instead of medication (and some people need the medication to even use the coping mechanisms)...well...I already do them. 

All of this time figuring out how my brain works, and why my brain works the way it does, I ended up crafting an ADD coping lifestyle without ever realizing that I have ADD. 

Even my goal setting is ADD friendly shit. 

Like the ADD/ADHD brain responds well to little pops of dopamine. Like reaching goals, checking off boxes, getting gold stars. That's something you can do to make it easier to accomplish items on your to do list. Oh well, hunh, what a great idea. Let me add that to my goals for the year. Make goals. CHECK and GOLD STAR!

Another reason why I'm hesitant to try the meds is that right now getting them is complicated. They are a controlled substance and as such you have to get a prescription for one month at a time. You have to have blood work at regular intervals. You have to agree to random drug testing to assure you aren't abusing them. And there are massive shortages right now so getting them isn't guaranteed even with a prescription. The government is overreacting to how badly they handled the opioid epidemic by making it difficult for people who need Ritalin to get it. I'm not sure I want to go through the hassle with something that will just make it easier to do what I'm already doing. 

Because that's the real trick. The drugs don't cure ADD or ADHD. They just make it easier to handle. Like dampening down the constant buzz and distraction, which in a way sounds great, but in another I'm not sure it does. 

My brain is who I am. For almost 56 years that constant buzz, that in search of shiney, that oh what's this, this looks interesting, beat of the drum is who I have been. And I've figured out how to make that work for me. So what happens if I turn that down? Who am I if I'm not who I have been? And if it's not just a you gain some control, but still have all the awesome parts...well. I'm just not sure I need it.

And that's another piece. It's a stimulant. That's what the ADD drugs are. So yeah, that's cool. Extra energy but a side effect is insomnia. Oh hell no. And another is addiction. It's speed. 

My sister was addicted to speed when she was abusing me. 

I am not sure I could ever relax into taking the meds without that being a constant drumbeat in my head. Addiction addiction addiction. 

Though another side effect is weight loss so you know, maybe I could get over it. 

Just kidding...

sort of.

But anyway, bottom line time:

I am still considering the medication and can change my mind in August when I go in for my annual physical. 

And I am a goddamn genius who created a whole ADD coping routine without knowing I had ADD. 

So give me a gold star and let's keep moving on with life!

Sunday Shorts...

I sat down to write and realized I don't really have anything to say.

It happens. 

But I really try not to get in the habit of opening the program to write and then not writing. I don't want to make that a thing my brain thinks I can do.

So I'll just write out some short notes here instead. 

I'm almost done with the longer story I've been doing for the exchange with Dana for the past year and a half. The good news is that means I will have something to post every Sunday for basically the rest of the year starting sometime next month. The bad news is that I have to think about what I'm writing for Dana again. Not sure if I want to attempt another long piece or just stick with short stories. And not sure if I want to do something like I did with this longer piece, which is make it an almost complete departure from what I normally write. 

Having someone I can send stuff to that I am unsure of the work is nice. This next part is going to sound weird but I can't think of how to phrase it so I'm just going to give it a shot.

I know I can write. I know I can write engaging little twisty pieces. And I know that Dana knows I can write. There is no worry for me if I send her a piece that doesn't work because she's read enough of my stuff that does that I'm not worried she will think I'm terrible. That is a freeing feeling. The ability to fail without embarrassment. 

We all need that in our lives. We all had it when we were little kids. We would try and fail at stuff all of the time. Laugh it off, get up, dust off and try again. If you don't have the ability to fail you will never try. And if you don't have a good sense of humor about failing you won't try. And if you don't have someplace you can safely embarrass yourself when you do faceplant you won't try. 

Writing a piece outside of my comfort zone knowing full well I could faceplant and sending it to her anyway has been a good challenge. Not the sending it part, the outside my comfort zone part. I've sent her some awful stuff over the years, that's easy enough. Send the link, apologize, move on to the next.

I'm also back to studying Spanish, I think I mentioned that before. I'm doing it at the same time as Brent this time around. That way we can practice with each other. I'm not afraid to fail with him either. He's seen me faceplant more than anyone in the world has. His take would be that he thinks I have a cute ass so it's just a bonus for him. But it's true (not necessarily the cute ass part, but I do a ton of squats to keep it round, so yeah, it's cute) but the fact that he isn't phased when I try something new and don't do it well. He knows that I will either decide it's just not for me and move on without much damage, or I will take it personally and do it over and over again until I'm good at it. And then probably move on. 

We all need places where we feel safe to fail. We all need people that will support us when we try new things. We all need to give ourselves enough grace to try new things knowing that we won't immediately succeed at them. 

It's okay. 

It's healthy. 

And it can be fun. 

And there you go. Sunday short thoughts. Now I can close this program without feeling like I didn't do what I set out to do. Thanks for being a place I can faceplant in my writing at times and you still come back for more. 

Time Management...

She should have left the house fifteen minutes ago. She knew that. She knew when she woke up this morning that she needed to leave the house by 10:30 at the latest but she should really leave by 10:15 to make sure she wasn't late. Now it was 10:45.

But if she went just a little bit over the speed limit and was lucky on all of the lights and found parking right away she would still be fine. 

Of course she hit all of the lights at red and was behind every slow driver in the city. Not just doing the speed limit drivers, but let's go 5 mph under the speed limit drivers. At this rate she shouldn't even bother looking for parking. She should just write it off as a loss and go back home. 

But she had promised herself that she would go on this interview. It was a foot in the door. A chance to work in TV. But time management was one of the skills called out in the job description. She needed to be organized and have good time management skills. 

Well she kind of did. 

She was great at figuring out all of the ways to make up time when she was running really late. Like if she took the exit before the tunnel she could take the back streets downtown instead of fighting freeway traffic for 3 more stops. Sure, if she got caught behind a bus or at a train crossing it would all backfire, but if she didn't, she'd shave precious minutes. 

And she was really organized. If you counted having multiple items stashed all over as organized. For instance, she had three pairs of sunglasses, a car pair, a purse pair, and a house pair. And sometimes she remembered to put them all back where she got them from so she didn't end up with three sets in the car and none in her purse. 

If she was late would it be better to say, "Oh, I have 11:30 at the time, not 11:15. I wonder where our wires got crossed?" And try to push it off on possibly a miscommunication or should she blame traffic or just apologize and let the chips fall where they may? 

Blaming traffic was always a good one. Traffic was always bad. But because traffic was always bad a good time manager would have left at 10:15 just like she originally thought she should. 

Blaming it on crossed communication was a risk. A good admin assistant would have every copy of the email chain still on their computer. Showing that it was her that just got it wrong even after confirming that the interview was set for 11:15. Then even if she somehow got the job she would have already made an enemy of the person who she really needed to be on the good side of. Always make friends with your boss's admin. Always. 

She slid into a parking space at 11:10. How quickly could she walk from the parking lot into the building to get there in time but not work up a sweat. Walk with purpose but not look rushed? It would have helped if she had grabbed her bag the first time she got out of the car and hadn't had to double back to get it. But what if they expected her to provide another copy of her resume. That happened all the time, even though they had it, obviously, or they wouldn't have wanted to interview her. 

The clock in the lobby read 11:17. Maybe they would just assume it ran fast? Or give her the five minute grace period that really everybody should get. It was only decent to give up to 15, if she was being honest. 

After being directed to the right office and checking in with the very same admin assistant she had been considering throwing under the bus just minutes before it was 11:22. So even the five minute decent buffer was out. Well fuck. 

She sat down to wait. 

And she waited.

And waited. 

And waited. 

Finally the office door opened and her potential boss called her name. 

At 11:45. 

"I am so sorry to make you wait, it has just been one thing after another this morning."

"It's okay, it happens to everyone." She smiled and held out her hand to shake. 

But she already knew she wouldn't take the job, she hated it when people wasted her time. 

(prompt: write a story about a character running late for a job interview)

Aside...

When I was interviewing people for a bookkeeping position at the ad agency I had a candidate show up 15 minutes late. When she got there I was on a call with a client and she had to wait for 5 minutes for me to wrap it up. She actually told me how rude it was that I wasn't ready to start when she got there. She did not get the job. 

What Are You Looking For?

"Have you swiped left on every single profile?"

"I have. I just can't find the center of the roll."

"The what now?"

"You know, the middle of the cinnamon roll, the best part. I want the center of the roll and all of these are giving off edge to me."

"Okay, explain it."

"You know how the center of the roll is the best? It's the soft, chewy, sweet, spot. You deal with the edges if you have to, but really it would be great to just cut them off and only get the center. Relationships are like that too. The edges are the part you have to get through to get to the center. But some people are only edge people. And their profiles show it."

"Who would be an edge person? The center is the best part. The edge is just the price you pay to get to the center."

"Exactly. But see in relationships there are people who only like the new phase. The part where you are both just so in love you can't stand it, or more correctly other people can't stand it. The schmoopy part. The flowers and candy part. The oh no you hang up first part. I hate that part. I just want the part where we are comfortable sitting together in silence and nobody worries that the other one is mad because they are reading a book and not talking. The part where if I'm running late for dinner and we are meeting at a restaurant we've never even been to before you would still feel totally comfortable ordering for me and it would be exactly what I would have ordered for myself anyway. That part."

"The actual settled down relationship part?"

"Exactly."

"But you can't just jump right into that part. You have to build to that part."

"I get that. I do. And I would totally do that if it weren't for the number of people who don't hang around for that part. As soon as the new part wears off and the hormones settle down to a dull roar they are gone looking for that new edge piece."

"But maybe they won't?"

"Maybe. But I'd love to find a way to just jump right to that part. Like a platter of nothing but the center pieces of cinnamon rolls. No edges allowed. No overly romantic schmoopaholics welcome. Only the serious relationships are the best part people need apply. Then I'd swipe right."

"Alright, no edges. I'll keep that in mind if I'm ever setting you up with someone. No edges ever."

"Unless it's a brownie, then the edges are the best part."

"Obviously."

"Obviously."

You Never Know...

You don't know how far you can go until you go.

That's what I've been telling myself lately during my workouts. It helps me push past that feeling of "I can only jog for 5 minutes at this pace before I need a break" I don't know how long I can jog at that pace, I do know how long my mind is trying to convince me I can go. But until I actually push myself, I don't know. 

Today I jogged at 4.6 mph for 29 minutes. Yes, I know, why not thirty? But that's when the program I workout to clicked down to the cool down and I didn't have it in me to bump it back up for a minute. 

But that was the longest I've gone at that speed. Can we call it speed? Pace. Let's call it pace. The fastest I've gone is 5 mph. But that has only been for two minutes at a time so far. One of the programs I am doing does speed play and laddering and 5 mph is my 8 on the RPE scale (rate of perceived exertion) but my 6 on the RPE scale is 4.6 mph and today I jogged at that level for 29 minutes.

I didn't know I could do that yesterday. I have no idea how much longer or how much faster I will eventually land on. I won't know until I do it. 

But I do know I'll try and talk myself out of it a few times before I actually accomplish it. Whatever it ends up being. 

That's why I'm going through with the doctor's appointments and assessment to see if I qualify for ADD meds. 

Because I don't know what they might do. 

Two big things worry me about all of this, assuming I get the medication. 

The first is that it makes absolutely no difference. That I will have gone through everything just to find that nah, this isn't any sort of answer to why you are the way you are. And then I have to say, just kidding, I don't need this at all. Thanks for going through all the rigamarole though! And part of that is that I've spent my entire adult life figuring out how my brain works, what makes me tick, and I have built a whole routine around that knowledge. You've all read posts where I've tried different things only to come back to what works for me. Schedules, routines, goals, gold stars. 

The second is that it makes a huge difference. Like suddenly I don't have to have three different lists, and two different calendars, and schedules, and goals and gold stars. Like I remember things and just do them without building in elaborate check systems and rewards. 

The reason why that one worries me is because I know that if it does suddenly quiet the buzz in my head and I become efficient and capable and shit then I will wonder what I could have done with my life. I'm already wondering how much I hampered Katie's by not letting them put her on the medication in elementary school. 

Marianne Williamson (great spiritual guru, lousy candidate for president) says, "Our deepest fear isn't that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." When I first read that, and all the rest of the poem, I was stunned. Because it's true. 

If we are inadequate there isn't much expected of us. We can just sort of exist and be fine. But if we are powerful? If we can do amazing things? Well then why aren't we?

If I could take a pill that would quiet the buzz in my head. That would stop my attention from fracturing into a thousand pieces, then what could I do? 

I won't know until I get there. 

If I get there. 

I also have one other slight worry, what if it works, but it changes who I am fundamentally? I know they have worked on dosage from when these drugs were first introduced and you don't get the zombie compliant vacant person that you got back then. It just mutes the excess noise so they can then function in the world without fighting that. But what if that fight is what makes me who I am? 

The creative spark. The way I see the world askew. My unique way of problem solving. My offbeat and quick humor. All of the things that I really dig about myself. What if all of that is tied to that buzz and constant distraction? 

I won't know unless I try. 

I have a follow up appointment on Monday and eventually I'll get around to filling out that paperwork. Then I guess we will see. 

If I try it and it works that could be amazing. 
If I try it and it doesn't do anything that would be fine. 
If I don't try it and I just keep doing what I'm doing that's not terrible either. I mean, I'm pretty amazing already. 

I won't know until I get there. 

Try It...

I mentioned briefly that I am going to try the medication for ADD. But what I should have said is that I'm going to try to try the medication for ADD. 

I had a doctor's appointment on Monday to talk to her about starting it. My thoughts on it are that there is no harm in trying. If I find it improves my life, then I keep taking them, if I find that it doesn't, then I don't. Easy enough. 

But I don't have an easy enough doctor. I have a "let's look at all of the options of what else it could be and see if you really need medication."

Which normally I'm all for. I have chosen medical professionals throughout my life, and Katie's, that lean toward other solutions rather than shove a pill at it. So normally I'm all in on not taking medication. I don't take antibiotics unless it's actually necessary. I don't take pain killers unless I am beyond the threshold where I can manage it myself (like when I got the elbow procedure done, I took the pain pills!)

But when I've decided that I'd like to try medication it gets frustrating that I can't just get it. Like how long it took me to get estrogen. I keep hearing about these doctors just handing out medication like candy and how we live in an overly medicated world where you can just get a pill for anything and everything. And yet...

Today I had a blood draw to check my thyroid, some vitamin levels, and something else. She also sent me home with a multi page questionnaire/self evaluation to fill out. I told Brent that the first step to getting a diagnosis of ADD or ADHD is if you remember to bring back the questionnaire to your follow up appointment. Of course, I've had it for three days now and I haven't filled it in yet even though I've picked it up and looked at multiple times so that's probably another clue, though there isn't a space to fill in "How many days did it take you to do your homework? Did you wait until a half hour before your follow up appointment?"

There was also the moment where I described all of my symptoms and she said, "Do you think your insomnia causes them all?" 

And I can't really argue with that. During bad insomnia stretches everything is harder for sure. And yes, lack of sleep leads to difficulty in concentration and forgetfulness and being twitchy and all of the other things. So I think she's going to write it all off to the insomnia and that will be that. 

Which, that's fine, in a way. I mean I am only exploring this avenue and if this isn't for me then it won't go anywhere. 

Though she also suggested I find a counselor to talk to about my insomnia because "sometimes a sleep therapist works" and I am sure that sometimes it does. Especially for people who can't sleep because they have anxiety or can't shut their brains down or have gone through some sort of trauma that prevents them from sleeping. But I just don't sleep. I've read so much about insomnia and sleep patterns and I've tried almost all of the natural supplements and I am still where I am. I've got a system that works for me. And often when I try something new it actually fucks that system up and I end up worse off trying to claw my way back. So when I told her I wasn't actually interested in that she was sort of insulted. 

"These are your symptoms, and this could help. You came to me for help."

"I did. And I will consider it."

Which I mean, sure I'm considering it. (I just rolled my eyes)

And I know it's horrible to completely dismiss what your doctor is telling you, but sometimes you really do have to know yourself. And my insomnia is baked in. It's part of my system. There are a lot of us out there who have broken sleep patterns (broken meaning: I sleep for a few hours, I'm awake for a few hours, I sleep lightly for a few hours) and it's normal. I'm not willing to completely abandon my sleep routine and start again so it's either dismiss her suggestion or pay a sleep counsellor to dismiss theirs.

And that's actually the biggest moment I had to overcome to even go to her for the ADD meds in the first place. One of the side effects for some people is insomnia. That worries me just a bit. But I'm willing to try and see. I figure if I get that side effect and it doesn't fade away quickly (some of the side effects last only for a few days) then I will just stop. 

That's the whole let's try this and see part I have in my head. 

But I'm not sure I will be trying them. 

I guess we will see. 

Follow up appointment set for Monday. 

Hard Things...

Today marks one month since a friend of mine lost her son. She talked about how it doesn't seem possible that it's been a month. How she still wasn't sure how she was supposed to go forward in the world. 

Today marks 13 years since Dad died. It's the worst of the anniversaries. It will always fall on Mom's birthday, that's always going to be a part that sucks. But it only falls on Father's Day every few years. When it happens it's just almost too much.

Father's Day and Mother's Day, for that matter, are hard for people who don't have a relationship with their parents for whatever reason. Either it wasn't good to start or they have passed. There is a constant barrage of ads and reminders leading up to the day and then on the day your social media is filled with people honoring their parents. 

I am not of the ilk that thinks you should stop doing that, by the way. When I see people asking for you to keep in mind how hard it is for others and maybe keep it private I roll my eyes. My grief is not your issue. Don't force someone else to be sad because you are. That's just nonsense. 

But it's still hard. 

But it gets easier. 

And I posted about that a couple of years ago and shared it again today. Grief doesn't go away but you learn how to carry it. You will always miss the people you have lost, but there comes a time where it doesn't wreck you out of the blue. Where even if you tear up at breakfast because you didn't get enough sleep and it just all feels really sad, you just tear up and then take a breath and move on. Allegedly, that might happen. Hypothetically...you know just as an illustration. 

But because I posted about being able to learn to carry your grief my friend who just lost her son took some comfort. Even though she is still in the stuck part of mourning. The part where every breath hurts. Where every day feels like the day before and they all suck. Today she looked at my post and saw the light at the end of tunnel. Not her light, not yet, but mine. She saw that if you just keep moving forward eventually you actually move instead of slogging in place. 

And that's where I think social media helps. It helps you comfort those that need it, even when you don't realize that's what you are doing. It helps you show that things can get better even when they suck. 

I don't curate my posts. I don't pretend that I am 100% awesome all of the time. I share the suckage. I share when things aren't going the way I expected them to. Even if my problems seem silly or inconsequential. And especially when they seem massive and impossible. I want your help. And I also want you to see me moving forward. Hanging on. Learning to carry the grief.

Even when you have years like we did from 2019 through 2020 where it felt like I needed a giant wheeled trolley to carry all of the emotional baggage. Whatever it takes to get you through to the next day. And because I had that wheeled trolley, I can now lend it to you. 

We can do the hard things. We can move through the hard times. We just have to keep moving. Learning how to carry those memories with us.

And leaning on those that made it through. 

I hope your Father's Day is a good one. No matter if you celebrate, or if you don't. I hope whatever memories it brings up for you you are able to process and either enjoy or acknowledge the suck and move forward. I know it can be complicated for some. I know it's straightforward for others. Whatever the day brings you, I hope by the evening you know peace. 

The next time all of the dates align it will be 19 years since Dad died and I have to imagine it will be even easier to manage then. Here's to the next time. Just keep moving forward.

Brats...

We watched Brats last night. It's a documentary based on the book Andrew McCarthy wrote about the Brat Pack label and what he felt it did to his, and the rest of the pack's careers. 

It was interesting to see his take on it, on the other's takes on it, and on the reaction to the author of the article who coined the term as well.

If you are a child of the 80s I think you'd find it enjoyable. Not all of the Brat Pack, or pack adjacent members are in it, but a small handful are and it's interesting to see how they all reacted.

But the part that I really got something from was an interview he did with Demi Moore and she said, and I'm paraphrasing here, there is the event, that happened you can't change that, but it's what you attach emotionally to the event that gives it weight and meaning. 

Which, I'm sure I've heard before. And she probably got from her therapist as well. But it really resonated last night. 

Things happen. They happen to all of us. And they can mean as much or as little as we decide they mean. That's the choice we make in life. 

I think that's why sometimes you see someone react to something in a way that you wouldn't and you are just sort of confused. Why are they doing that? This is not a big deal. It's just something that happened. But to them, they have attached some sort of feeling to it. Or some other meaning to it. So it is a big deal. 

And it's hard to understand what meaning people attach to things as well. Because we attach our own instead.

Like there are a lot of times I post something on social media and the reaction I get from friends is very different than what I thought I was expressing. Sometimes people assume I was sad about an event when really I am just marking it as a moment. Or they think I want bucked up when I really don't. I'm fine with whatever I'm feeling. There are times I have to ask Brent or Katie to read something and see what they took from it, to see if it's just that people who only know me on one level don't see what I was saying or if I really did just express myself badly. 

Usually, it's just that people don't see the world the way I do. 

Our attachments to events are very different.

It's not the event that means something, it's the emotion we attach to it. 

Every one of us is going to experience the same things, but we are all going to experience them in unique ways. 

I think that's why I like to think that the Universe has a plan, or is showing me something to pay attention to. Because if not, if things are just happening and there is no meaning behind it, then what is the point? 

The events happen. It's what we attach to them that make them have meaning.

That's going to replay in my brain for awhile I think. 

Sabbatical...

It's time for Brent's sabbatical again.

Okay, technically it's been time for Brent's sabbatical since last year but he couldn't get away to take it. And I was kind of writing it off as a missed opportunity, but you aren't really allowed to miss them so he has found a time that he thinks will work and so it's time for sabbatical.

Which means planning. 

Last time I had a list going of things we were going to do and the travel and projects. It was our first no other responsibility sabbatical. We ended up moving a few things around because he had to shift the dates at the last minute, but we still went on an Alaskan cruise, went to Hawaii for a week, went to Bend for a concert, went to Canada and I think something else, OH we went back to Michigan. 

But I didn't really have anything on the list this time. Because, like I mentioned, I really didn't think it was going to happen.

Brent has added in a few things that we've sort of talked about at different times. Maybe doing a Viking River Cruise touring the Christmas markets? Maybe a side trip to Iceland to see the Northern Lights? There was a train across Canada that we've seen, but the dates he is thinking about don't line up for that. The standard Disney and Hawaii pop ins. A couple Michigan games. 

Our other challenge is the cats. Friends of ours used a house sitter for their last long vacation and that worked out really well. We have Katie here in town but I'm not sure how willing she will be to come here for a week, back to her house for a week, come here for a week, back to her house for a week, for a couple months. That and going back to Michigan and going to Disney are often full family trips so it seems sort of like a dick move to have her stay here while we go there. But we will see. 

 Last sabbatical we didn't have cats so we could just go and do things without worry. Which was my point to Brent when he decided he really wanted cats again. That we had a lot of freedom without them. I, obviously, lost that argument. All in all it works out just fine. They are really good boys, and I do think they helped him so much after his mother died. Something small and helpless to focus on was the perfect thing right then. But since it was the pandemic, and he had a lot of focusing he needed to do, we ended up with extremely social cats. Daily check-ins are not good enough for them. They really need hours of companionship.

And I fully understand these are what Brent refers to as high class problems, and other people call first world problems. They aren't really problems at all. Oh woe is me, how ever will we spend the two months off that Brent gets through work? What sort of travel will we be able to do? 

I mean, I get it. But it's still the thing that will keep me up at nights for awhile while we figure it out. There is so much to choose from. And so many different ways to go. And it's all just a lot. I mean how am I supposed to stay focused on planning one thing when there are 3,000 other things that we could do instead. And how do I quiet the voice in my head screaming about how much money it all costs? And what about the cats? And Katie? And....

And in other news I'm seeing my doctor on Monday to talk about possibly going on medication for ADD... I'm not sure yet if I'm going to try it. I'm leery of the drugs. But I'm also curious if it would help me find a middle ground between no focus at all and hyper focus on specific yet unimportant things. 

So how amazing would that be? Me getting a sabbatical from my distracted head just in time to plan a sabbatical from Brent's busy schedule?

The You Review...

I sort of feel like Facebook has taken over the whole "Your life flashes before your eyes when you die" moments. I think that's what the On This Day timeline feels like at times. Or maybe the old TV show This Is Your Life, but through your own updates. 

Today on my On This Day I talked about the Loving decision, which granted happened before my life started, but just barely. That was the oldest remembrance. Then it all gets personal and more recent. 

Fourteen years ago today Katie graduated from high school. I have all of the pictures from that day and this past week has been pictures and memories about the senior day picnic and honors. She was the outstanding math student of her class. The instructors talking about the award recipient before saying her name talked about how brilliant she was how they had searched for another word to describe her but they all kept coming back to that. Proud mom moment. I can't share any of the photos or posts because that person doesn't really exist anymore. She phrased it the other day that now there is a split in her timeline, it's like she got dropped into a life with a whole bunch of another person's memories. Which, you know I've written a few short stories like that, but this is her existence now. Going from being disconnected with herself, to connecting her mind and her body, but also now being disconnected from her past. 

Thirteen years ago I was talking to Brent's cousin about their upcoming visit. I had planned out a pretty cool itinerary. Like a sampler platter of the area. Some Portland things, some things on the coast, I think something on Mt. Hood. I don't remember what all was in the plan. Partly because I didn't end up going with them. As I read the conversation about being excited to see them I heard the narrator voice saying, "She did not see them." We are just a few days out from the 13th anniversary of my father's death. Instead of visiting with the cousins having a fun Oregon is great weekend I left Katie and Brent to entertain up here and flew down to New Mexico to grieve. 

Ten years ago. Let me backup, a few days ago was the "oh, you knew" moment for this one. I posted about being excessively hormonal or maybe the insomnia was taking a strong toll because I had dropped George off at the vet to get checked out and I got all teary eyed about it. Today (ten years ago) we got the test results back. He was in kidney failure. We had one more thing we could try to see if we could save him, but I know, because I'm in the future, that it did not work and we are just a few days away from letting him go. 

Eight years ago. The Pulse shooting. This one isn't as personal, but it is still pretty personal. Nobody I know was there. I do know people who knew people who were there. I know people who had been there at other times. But my people weren't in danger. That night. But it sure seemed like a harbinger to me. I talked about how all of the uptick in anti-trans and general homophobia was going to lead to more of these things if we weren't able to quash it all soon. But we did not quash. Instead it's spread and gotten official stamps of approval.

Florida is on our list of places we will not travel because of how strong their anti LGBTQIA+ bullshit is. And it's not just Florida. And it has gotten even more pervasive. We aren't seeing random gunmen shooting people in clubs every weekend, but we are seeing massive amounts of legislation being passed in every conservative state. We are seeing people so hateful toward the community that our fake corporate allies are no longer even willing to fake it. We are seeing an uptick in hateful language online. In Pride events being cancelled or scaled back. The Pulse shooting was a volley. And instead of stopping it, the Right embraced it. 

 As far as life flashing in front of your eyes moments go, this is not the day I would choose. I mean Katie's graduation is the closest to a happy memory, but can it really be a happy memory for me when I now know how she views it? Not really. It's a bittersweet memory at best. 

So although I did get to see my life flash before my eyes today, I'd like a redo. Let's pick another day. Or series of days. 

I wonder if that will be the next upgrade from Facebook. Curate your life flash memories. 

I bet they are already working on it...

The Perfect Red...

For at least a decade I have been in search of the perfect red lipstick. And I've found it. More than once. Quite a few more times in fact. And then I lost it. And I started the search over. 

Instead of true red, now I need a brick red. More brown in it, less blue. 

But never orange red. That has never been the perfect red.

And never too pink. Like a dusty rose color is okay, I mean I know that's not red, but nice for a change up, but not bright pink. And not brown. Even though I want a brick red I don't want a brown lipstick. 

But I still ended up with a lot of those other colors. 

Today I did a big sort and got rid of the reds that used to be perfect but now fight with my hair. The reds that were never quite perfect but I thought if I layered them with some tinted glosses they worked okay. The browns and pinks that came as gifts with purchase that I just couldn't bear to toss right away, I mean, they are perfectly good lipsticks, creams, glosses, afterall. 

And that was really it. I had a drawer full of maybes but not reallys. 

And not just with lip colors. With eyeshadows and creams. With foundations and cover ups. Which I never wear foundation or cover ups. I try every once in awhile but I hate the feeling of a cream on my face. Like it never stops just feeling like a mask. I have a tinted powder that I love and I brush that on to even things out, when I remember, and a CC cream for the sunscreen, and that's that. But I still had 3 different foundations or tinted face creams and two different cover ups.

I had big eye shadow palettes that I clearly bought for one color because that color was gone and the other 12 were barely touched. But I still had them. Because the other colors were fine and I was sure I'd use them sometime. I mean not today, because today I'm going to use the same stick I've been using for ever and call it good enough...but someday. 

And the variety of mascaras. Sephora sends samples all the time. I had probably 4 different small mascaras from various brands. For years all I ever wore was Great Lash from Maybelline. Now recently I've started using Thrive's tubing mascara. It's amazing stuff. Cleans up like a dream and doesn't melt down my face during the day. But I still had a variety of other brands "to try someday" that wasn't going to happen. I mean just trying the Thrive took me forever. Which as well as that turned out I probably should try the other brands they might be great as well...just not today. Today I'll wear the one I know I love. Later I'll try something new. 

And I'm totally going to use that black thin point eyeliner. I mean I need that if I'm ever going to perfect a cat's eye. Which I am totally going to be able to do, even though I have never been able to do it, and I don't think my eyesight or coordination is going to improve after my mid fifties, but you know, totally could happen. 

These are the things I've been telling myself in one way or the other for ages. Today I sorted and tossed instead. I still have quite the collection of red lipsticks, all shades that don't fight with my hair, and a few dusty roses. I have three eyeshadow mini palettes and a few cream sticks. I have the powder I wear most often and I did keep one tinted CC cream for days when I want sunscreen, a little coverage and my face feels dry. That does happen. Rarely, but it does. 

Some of what I got rid of took two bites at the apple to do. Either because I really love the brand, or because I know how expensive it was. (Full disclosure, I'm pretty frugal so "so expensive" can be very relative) But I wasn't using them so what they originally cost, or the love of the brand, or even how good it looked when my hair was short and little different shade didn't matter. All it was doing was taking up space and getting old and drying out anyway. But they first got the color test, oh this doesn't work, but instead of straight into the trash they went to a side pile. That kept getting bigger and bigger. Which made me feel really guilty about how much I was getting rid of so it almost all got put back in the holders and put away. 

Two bites at the apple. 

Off to the "I don't think this works pile" then deep breath, into the trash with the ever growing stack of makeup removing wipes that were colored with so many shades of red it looked like I was bleeding out...

So now what I have in my makeup drawer is a smaller collection of things that I know work for me right now. I still have things I will use more than others, but nothing in there that I won't use at all. And I also know that the collection will start to grow again. Collecting colors that looked good online but didn't quite work out at home. Eye shadows that are trying to replace the Bare Minerals grays that were PERFECT but discontinued. All of it to feed the glamour girl that lives somewhere inside my head but never quite makes it out to my face. Because who has time for that? I mean clearly people do, because you see them out in the world, but who has a way to convince me to make time for that? 

Dust of powder, swipe of mascara, the perfect red lipstick. 

And a dream of someday...

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Death Doula...

 

“…yeah, a death doula. I’m meeting her at one near the station.”

…

“Death. Doula.”

…

“DOU.LA. You know what a doula is right? For pregnant women. This is like that but for people in hospice. Super interesting.”

…

“No, I hadn’t heard of it before either. When she called, I had to do some research to see if it was a real thing.”

 …

“Yeah, she called me. Thought it would make an interesting story, I guess. I have to admit I’m looking forward to doing a little lighter fare than my normal stuff. I’m sure someone at the station passed my number on to her. They all know I’m ready for a break.”

…

“No break. BREAK. I swear the connection is so bad through here. Let me call you back tonight.”

…

People were starting to stare, which she was sort of used to, to be honest. She had been a reporter for the past 10 years. People tended to treat her as a celebrity because they saw her on their TVs. A minor celebrity, to be sure, but still, a celebrity.

That was unless they treated her like they knew her. Watching the evening news while eating dinner made a lot of people feel like they were actually friends.

She preferred when they treated her like a minor celebrity to be perfectly frank. Because the people who acted like they knew her were imperfectly frank. They felt no shame letting her know that her hair was wrong, the color she was wearing was wrong, her outfits were wrong. On and on and on.

But now they were staring because she had shouted death doula at least 5 times. Her sister kept hearing meth dealer and couldn’t understand why she would be going to interview a meth dealer. She swore she was going to replace her phone, or at least change her coverage plan soon.

She was really excited about this interview. She had never heard of a death doula and thought most of their viewers would be the same. What a lovely service to offer people though. They walked their clients through the transition. That was what she had found on the web, they used terms like client instead of patient and transition instead of dying. Though they would use dying if that’s what their client preferred.

They also helped the family or friends who were left behind. All of the steps that you don’t realize you have to go through once someone you love dies. The very practical parts, getting a death certificate, who do you have to notify, how do you notify them, how do you plan a funeral. All of those things, but also, they’d provide counselling on the grieving process. Sometimes that would just mean sitting with people, but sometimes more.

She was very much interested in hearing her story. And the stories of the people she had worked with. She wished she had known there was a such a thing when her parents had passed. She had been overwhelmed by the whole process and it had taken her so much longer to get the estates closed out and everything handled than she thought it would.

She thought, not for the first time, that maybe it was time to transition into doing just these sorts of stories. Just human-interest pieces. No more travelling to war zones to report from the latest bombardment. No more being the go-to reporter on the spot when a natural disaster hit. No more stories that made her sister think she was on her way to interview a drug kingpin like that was a normal thing to do. She’d met enough dictators and demagogues to last her a lifetime. She was ready for the dog show circuit.

But that was a backwards career path. You started on human-interest and moved up to the wars. Even the doula herself had been a little shocked at how eager she had been to meet her and get her story. What a fucked-up world we live in. It wasn’t the first time she’d thought that either.

She walked into the coffee shop they had agreed to meet to start the interview process. She’d get the background information and story before getting a camera crew to film another interview and some b roll footage to weave into the story. She already had a few ideas on shots but wanted to have this preliminary interview in the bag before starting. Just in case the story took a different turn.

She set up at a secluded table in the back and got out her notebook. She looked down at the list of questions she wanted to ask and when she looked back up her subject was sitting across from her.

“Oh, you surprised me, I didn’t see you come in.” She gave her her best smile and held a hand out to shake, “I’m Rebecca Rogers, nice to meet you.”

The woman across from her reached out and shook her hand leaving behind her card. Okay, smooth but weird.

She looked down at the card wondering what the business card of a death doula would look like, already forming the picture in her head, crisp white or ivory, heavy card stock, and it was, an ace of spades.

Rebecca looked at the card then looked at the woman. As the woman stood and shot her, she thought, “Oh death DEALER. Well fuck..”

And Now We Are Dead...

Okay, maybe not. 

Yesterday after I posted that little fiction piece a friend commented on it, and what she thought might resolve the issue. Which made me laugh because it was similar to a conversation that I had had with my father-in-law about his numbers problem.

If all we are is energy. Electrical impulses between cells. Brain waves dictating experiences. If that's what we are then why would we assume that the electrical impulses contained in this particular vessel would hang together once the body has ended its life cycle?

Wouldn't the, for lack of a better word, soul just reenter the pool of energy that's out there (waves vaguely) and then be regathered for the next round of whatever was being animated?

If energy can neither be created or destroyed but only changed from one form to another then isn't that what reincarnation really is? 

See, Brent's dad grew up in the same religion that I did, basically, a few slight tweaks, but as close as you can get without it being the same church. So he spent time after leaving the church trying to figure out the universe as well. He was 20 years ahead of me on his journey, but same sort of search.  

When you grow up with an explanation for everything and a feeling, at least for awhile, that the explanation makes sense, if you decide it's wrong you spend a good chunk of time looking for a replacement theory. And a lot of us who leave one religion end up in another or in a "spiritual practice" because that's what we are used to, and that's what we are looking for. A grand theory that explains it all. 

So when I first brought up the idea of reincarnation, or to be more accurate Jack noticed a book I was reading that was about reincarnation, he brought up the numbers issue. Not just to be a know it all but because he'd thought about it too. Then I hit him with my pool of souls theory and he told me he'd think about it and get back to me. 

My guess is Ann told him to drop it because he never did. 

Jack was a lawyer and you all know me so you know that debate didn't bother us. Ann grew up with an authoritarian, narcissistic parent so debate for her was not pleasant and she felt it was fighting instead of impassioned discussion. Brent was raised by Ann so you can see how the first few years of our marriage took some negotiating when I was just getting warmed up in an argument he was leaving the room and not engaging. I wanted resolution, he wanted peace.  

But back to dying...

I still toss ideas around about the what ifs. It's a lot of my fiction. Because nobody really knows. Some people are positive they know, but that is just what they believe. And belief isn't always truth. But for me the wondering is always entertaining. And because nobody does know it's always something to ponder for everyone. 

What I believe is that when we die we die. Even if the energy that animates this particular body moves into something else, the we, the person we are right now, that's done. We get this one life as this person to do with it what we will. And I don't think that it's likely we move on with this consciousness. I've talked about it before, it doesn't bother me. I have no memory or fear of before I was born so why should I worry about after I die? 

But that doesn't mean I won't still write a thousand more what if stories. 

Who knows if I stumble across one that resonates with people maybe I'll buy that island and start that cult after all...

Next, Please...

"And then he asked to speak to my manager."

"He did not!"

"He did. He said he had been waiting too long and the line wasn't moving fast enough so he wanted to speak to someone to resolve his issues."

"Did you get him someone to speak to?"

"I called Angie."

"Oh no!"

"Oh yes! She was thrilled that someone volunteered."

"Did he realize what was going to happen?"

"Nope, he was pretty smug about it all. Did a so long suckers sort of wave at everyone else waiting."

"Did anyone else decide to join him?"

"No, I think most of them got that it wasn't a good choice."

"Amazing." 

"But I do understand the frustration. I mean the backlog is significant. Unless they figure something out we are never catching up."

"They did that really great vaccination drive. And there was the healthy foods push."

"Sure, and that worked for some of the influx, but...I'm telling you the faster we send them nudges and information on how to make it better they are figuring out how to make it much worse on their own."

"That's true. Do you think we could ever get, like a stoppage in production?"

"You mean like a complete shutdown of the incoming pipeline?" 

"Yeah."

"No, I mean, we have done what we can to increase product lifespan, but they keep figuring out new ways to decrease it in massive amounts."

"It doesn't help that the replacement metric has slowed so much as well."

"That's where it all went south, in my opinion. Not that it slowed, but that Acquisitions and Creations took their eyes off the ball and didn't see it happening. When the replacement metrics halved, I mean...it doesn't take a math genius to realize that we were adding reusables faster than we were reusing them and we didn't need to keep adding new product to the line."

"Well I mean overall there is still more new product entering than old leaving right?"

"Sure, if you look at overall usage. We are still hitting around two new for everyone one retired. But we have stockpiles from the stretches where we had an abundance leave. So if all you were doing was averaging it out, it would seem okay. But they didn't ever check the waiting rooms. They just said, oh our averages are good, keep adding more! No! Don't keep adding more. We are overstocked! And it's not like we can send them back down a level. Well, unless they complain and want to talk to the manager."

"There's always room to start over."

"Eh, well, not really. They've also destroyed so many wild places that there aren't as many lower levels anymore. Not as many animals, not as many insects. Still a lot of bacteria. So I guess there's always that option. But as far as mid level restarts? Not nearly the amount."

"Has Quantity Control mentioned doing a cull?"

"I've heard whispers. Maybe that's why he was so anxious. Maybe he was too close to a door and overheard the same thing. Figured he better try to jump the line before they decided to clear a few billion or so of them out. So now he's with Angie cycling through the bacterium hierarchy. Who knows? Maybe it was a good risk after all."

"What would happen to them all if that's what happens?"

"I don't know...sweep them all into a black hole and pretend not to notice? Quantity Control is a whole other level. Who knows how their reasoning works. Okay, breaks over. Time to get back to the desk. Over 117 Billion served, granted some of them repeatedly, let's see how many we can clear today."

---------------------

My father-in-law used to use this argument as to why reincarnation doesn't make sense. There have been over 100 billion people alive on earth (estimated) and currently there are just over 7 billion. So what happens to all of the rest? How does it even out? Where do they wait until it's their time to be reincarnated? And do they start at the lowest level of lifeform, or at least the lowest we think? Because then that's worse. There are like a quintillion bugs in the world right now. How do they get reincarnated up the life force chain without overwhelming the numbers? 

I think somebody needs to speak to the manager and sort this out!

End Of No Weigh May...

Finally stepped on the scale this morning after No Weigh May. 

I gained weight. 

Which wasn't unexpected. 

I started taking creatine a couple weeks ago. It's supposed to help with muscle development and strength. It's been recommended to me over and over again and I've always avoided it because one of the side effects is weight gain. Not the whole muscle weighs more than fat, but weight gain at the start of taking it. 

The reason is it triggers your muscles to hold on to more water. To stay really hydrated. Your whole body works better if you are well hydrated.

I finally decided that the 5 pounds they warn you about was a fine trade off for the muscle health I'm trying to regain. Very logical.

Until I stepped on the scale this morning and saw that yep, I gained weight. Three pounds since the end of April. Well fuck. Don't like seeing that number at all. Yuck. 

Yeah, I went from logical, this is going to make me gain weight but make my muscles healthier. To oh no, this is not good just by stepping on the scale. 

Nothing changed about my weight in May. I bopped around the same area I have been for a while. I can tell because of where my weight was this morning with the added creatine bump. But my attitude about it changed. 

I thought about it with curiosity. I wonder what I weigh today? But curiosity was the only emotion attached to it. A little bit of hamster wheel spinning about wanting to know but not the negative or positive this is a good number this is a bad number feeling. 

So I'm not going to go back to weighing in every day. When the curiosity gets really high I'll do it, otherwise I'm going to do my best to ignore it. 

Which is what I had hoped I would get out of NWM. A letting go moment. I'm eating well. Healthy for the most part. But not denying myself the things I enjoy either. I'm working out 5 days a week. Cardio for 5, weights for 2, core for one. It's a good balance. In July I'll retest and see where I am as far as running that 5k. I'll probably also change to weights 3 days. But I'm trying to make sure that I don't over do it and wreck my elbow after doing so well on easing into things again. 

So NWM will morph into sometimes weigh but not every day. 

Kind of like Dry July last year morphed into maybe I'll drink again someday, but I don't miss it so maybe not.

So here is your reminder to try letting go of the things that you don't feel are serving you. It might be hard, or you might find out it's really pretty easy.  

You don't even have to wait for a rhyming month to give it a try. 

OH! Or...Give it a try July could fit anything!

Voting...

Years ago I read a book about the ethics of voting. About what the correct ethical approach to voting really is. And his takeaway was that not everyone should vote. 

Thomas Jefferson wrote often about the importance of a well informed electorate and how that's the best defense against tyranny. Well informed. 

Another book I read just a few years ago talked about how every democracy in history has ended in authoritarianism. Simple beliefs are really appealing. And nothing is more simple than being told what to do, how to feel, what to think. 

All of these things together inform the way I vote. 

I make sure I'm well informed. It can be and is often extremely frustrating and I will say "I'm not going to (fill in the blank) anymore." That blank could be watch the news or listen to the news. Read articles. Watch debates. Keep up with politics. Read environmental studies. Read medical studies. It can be overwhelming. Not just because there is so much of it, but because so much of it is bullshit.

Our media does not do a good job of providing GOOD information. They just hit you with a firehose of stuff. Does this look engaging? Then that's what we lead with! But they don't worry about accuracy much anymore. They worry about looking biased and needing to provide both sides of issues so nobody calls them names. Even when there aren't two balanced sides. There isn't an equal amount of science saying climate change isn't happening, for instance, but you'd never guess that with the way it's reported.

And feelings are not facts. Just because a large group of people feel a certain way, that's not factual. And it's working against the well informed citizenry when you report those feelings as if they are as important as facts.

But because I do believe in ethical voting even if I say I'm not going to watch or pay attention or whatever I still do. Because I need to really know what it is I'm voting on when the time comes. 

And sometimes that means I don't vote on an issue. 

If I don't know enough, and can't find enough information I don't vote. 

If I really believe that there isn't a best choice, or a least worst choice, I don't vote. 

If there is a least worst choice I vote for that one. 

Which you hear people who think they are riding some sort of moral high say about things like the presidential race. They don't want to vote for the lesser of two evils. (you can see my face right now)

First off, as I've written about before, if you say this I know you are not informed. You aren't a serious person. You are, in fact, ignorant. And I know that pisses people off and makes them call me names like condescending and a stupid bitch. But, that's fine, there is a difference between the two candidates right now. And you even said so in your 'less evil' comparison. 

If the choice is between more evil and less evil you need to choose less evil. Always. 

And if you think there isn't much difference between Trump and Biden you need to change the channel you're watching and get exposed to a few other points of view. 

Or just, you know, listen to the two men speak.Actually look at the things that Biden has accomplished in his presidency. Or read what Trump has planned if he's re-elected. They have it online. It's Christian Nationalism sliding into authoritarianism. Which I get, from the reading I mentioned and from watching people online, is actually attractive to a lot of people. Daddy tell us what to do is the basis for most religions right? It's easier to be told what to do than to have to weigh the pros and cons yourself. And if they can somehow make you believe that them telling you what to do is the real freedom? Well...

A well informed electorate is important. 

Understand what and who you are voting for or don't vote. Better to abstain than make it worse. Which I know is a hard thing to swallow. We think of voting as something you have to do, and we bemoan the fact that so many people don't. And I wish more people would take the time to get informed and vote, but only if they do that first half. Get informed. Don't vote if you are going to make it worse. And you only know if you are going to make it worse or better by being informed.

As far as our upcoming presidential election there shouldn't even be a worry about who will win. We should be looking at a landslide the likes of which we've never seen. But it won't go that way. There are people who will vote for Trump over Biden because they somehow think it's the better choice. There are people who will vote for a third party because they think they are better off making a statement instead of being responsible for a choice. There are a whole lot of people who won't vote at all. 

But for me, ethically, the choice is clear. Any vote not for Biden is a vote for an end to our democracy. It's a vote to slide into authoritarianism. You don't have to take my word for it, you can go read it in their own plans. We should not be looking at the potential for another Trump presidency and yet, here we are. 

But we can stop it. 

We can look at each issue that is important and ask the simple question who makes this better Trump or Biden? And here is the last piece of that ethical voting question, not just better for me, but better for the world at large. For our society. Like another round of tax cuts from Trump might be better for me personally, but it wouldn't be better for the United States. And I think that's the only one that is even close. Every other question, even if Biden hasn't done exactly what I think he should have, I know that Trump would be worse. 

It's not even close.

The ethical way to vote is to weigh the issues not just from a personal stand, but a societal stand. What is the best possible choice? Or the least worst choice if you don't think either one is a best choice. First do no harm. Then do less harm. Then if you can't see a path for either stay home. 

I Am...

That's the Picture of the Day prompt. 

Originally I was going to post a picture of a chair with the comment I am...I said. Age check for my friends. 

But then I was talking to Brent about missing our glamour shots on hair days because I wasn't doing Selfie Saturday and we aren't going to as many sporting events right now. So I changed my musical reference and took a picture of us instead. 

BUT THEN... I saw Chantelle's post (she's the one I get the prompts from) and hers was tied to an assignment she got in high school. An instructor gave them a blank sheet of paper and told them to finish the sentence "I am..." without using their name, age or descriptions of themselves physically. She said at 16 it was really hard, and now at 43 it was even harder. But she did it. Sort of. She changed the rules a little on what she included, which you know I appreciate a rule bender, but she described who she is. 

So I thought, oh, I like that. But holy cow that would make for a long tag on a photo. So instead you get this. 

I am...

Denise Leann Mastenbrook née Clifton. I've been a Mastenbrook for over twice as long as I was a Clifton and I rarely ever think of myself as a Clifton anymore. But there are still people in the world who will refer to me as Denise Clifton. So that is still part of who I am.

I am 5'5.5" tall. That extra .5 inches has always been important. Not just because it makes it 555 which is just cooler than 55 but it made me taller than my sister. If you have a sister you get this. 

I am probably somewhere between 165 and 170 pounds. It was no weigh May and I didn't weigh myself this morning but I'm pretty sure it's in that range. I am also really uncomfortable telling you that because it's such a large number. But it is what I am right now. 

I am trying really hard to not equate that number with good or bad. I can run (slowly around 4.5 mph) for 30 minutes straight now which I couldn't do last year this time. I have increased my weights to using between 15 and 25 pounds now depending on the exercise so that's on its way back after my elbow procedure so I'm starting to refirm everything up and get my biceps line back to popping. As far as I know my blood work is all still good. I'll find that out in a couple of months when I get my annual physical near my birthday. So I am trying to make sure I focus on that and not that number.

Speaking of birthdays...I am 55 years and 9 months old. I think it's a shame that after a certain age we stop doing the quarters measurements for age. Like I'm 55 and 3/4. That excited looking forward to the next year stops happening and we start rounding down. I don't. I look great for almost 56, I look lousy for 45. 

I am vain. 

Because I am vain, I dye my hair a brilliant shade of red that make me super happy to see. I think it looks good with my pale skin and it covers up the fact that my hair isn't cooperating and turning all gray. It's just mixing in enough to make my brown look flat. So red it is. Someday I hope it's all that really shiny gorgeous silver I have in spots.

I am a wife and a mother. But those things have never really defined me. Like some people are really good at being a spouse. Like professional levels of spousing. I think I'm a good partner to Brent, I'm supportive, I've made it possible for him to do a lot of things that he wouldn't have been able to if he had been a single dad, but I'm not a TV show wife either. Same with being a mother. I think I've been a good mom for Katie, but as she once described me I was disinterestedly interested in her life. I wanted to know what she was doing, how she was doing, but I wasn't her best friend, I wasn't involved in the teenage drama to a granular level. I screwed up a LOT of things raising her but I also did a lot pretty darn well. So yeah, I am a wife and mother, but I'm not sure if that really helps to describe me. 

I'm bisexual. Adding that in for Pride Month. It doesn't really mean a lot because I am also monogamous. But who I am with now doesn't define who I find attractive. And it took a lot of years for me to claim that name. I knew it, Brent knew it, Katie knew it, but I sort of felt like if there was no struggle there was no parade, and since I've been married to a man for almost 37 years there was no struggle. I glide through life with people assuming I'm heterosexual so I don't get a lot of grief. I'm trying to make a bigger point of saying, no that's not who I am, so that people understand that this new found fear over the LGBTQIA2+ community is nonsense. 

I am politically outspoken. Liberal to my core. 

I am broken in a lot of ways but I'm also patched back up pretty well. You know if you break a bone the part where it heals is actually the strongest part right? That extra layer that builds around it protects it. That's sort of how I view myself. When I was younger there were a lot of parts that were broken, but now they are healed up and even if I might have a bit of a limp sometimes, I'm really fucking strong. 

I am a writer. Fiction and nonfiction. I love to create worlds and share them and also share how I see the world we all live in. 

I am also always learning and growing and changing. And that's one of my favorite things about myself. 

I am a lot more than just this, but I'm also a fan of women's soccer and the USWNT is playing right now so I am off to watch the game. 

That's some of who I am, so...

Who are you?