I Like to Eat...

That's the Picture of the Day prompt. I like to eat...well in the great before times the answer to that would just be yes. And it still is, really. Just eating doesn't always like me back. 

I like to eat. I like food. I like all sorts of different things. I think eating is a full body joyful experience. I have been known to happy dance over a perfect bite. When asked for my favorite smells freshly baked bread is almost always on the list. I like to eat. 

But...

As you all know I've changed the way I eat so I can feel better. There are foods that just don't agree with me. Joint pain, itching, constipation. It's lovely. So I don't normally eat those things. Even though I really like to eat those things.

I've gone to a quarterly break in normal diet. Not diet like losing weight, temporary, horrible industry, sense of the word, but diet as in my normal eating. Once a quarter I indulge in some sort of gluten or nightshade or a little of both meal. Soup dumplings, pizza, biscuits and gravy. Those have been the last run. The day I eat them I get a little itchy, the next day my joints are all a little puffy, the next day they are all a little sore, the next day I'm full bloat, and then finally a few days later I poop again and all is balanced. 

I had no idea that my chronic constipation was partially caused by gluten until I quit eating it and then went back and had some. I mean I'm never going to be one of those lucky daily poopers but it's a lot better now. I was able to quit the stool softeners the doctor put me on and everything. 

So yeah, I know, nobody wants to hear about my pooping, but it is all part of the better health through eating. 

Which just seems so logical right? Like if you eat better you'll feel better. The challenge has been and still is that the recommendations for what is supposedly better are constantly changing. Eat this! No, never eat that! Eat these things! 

What I've discovered is that we don't train our medical professionals in nutrition to the level we should, most doctors don't know much about eating over and above what we all think we know from the media. Our government recommendations are dictated by the lobbyists. Our "best" nutritional studies are funded by whatever they are trying to get you to eat. Chicken is great for you! (funded by the Chicken Growers of America Institute) How Much Soda is Too Much Soda? (funded by Pepsico) And on and on. 

It's kind of a crap shoot at times. 

Except it's not. Not really. I'll quote Michael Pollan here, "Eat real food. Not too much. Mostly plants." We should all be eating food we recognize as food, not food like substances. Read the labels and better yet buy food that doesn't need labels when you can. Don't eat a lot of meat. Probably best if you don't eat any meat but I know that's a big ask for a lot of us, so how about eat less meat.

And if you are having issues, like I was, joint pain, skin issues, constipation, try a food test. Eat very simply for a couple of weeks. I suggest eliminating meat, dairy, sugar, gluten and nightshades and then add them back in one at a time (meat gets added back in as types, add back in poultry see how that goes, then add back in pork, then beef, then fish). You all know it was a process for me. It took a couple of months to get everything added back in. But that was a couple months, which in the grand scheme of a lifetime isn't much.  

I'm looking at making a few more changes to our diet starting in September (don't try and change your diet while you are stressing out, it's setting yourself up for failure). My blood work came back with my cholesterol a little high again and I've really caved in to just eating all the sugar lately. Those things could very well be related... And we're pretty sure Brent's sugar levels are messed up as well, even though he has not been as "what the fuck" about sugar as I have. 

So starting in September I'll be cutting back on sugar (again) and cutting back on our animal products as well. I'm not going vegan or even vegetarian but I am cutting us back on those things. As much as I hate to admit it, they aren't good for us. And they aren't good for the environment either. Time to make some more changes. 

I like to eat. But I like to live pain free even more. 

Today I...

This is another one of those picture of the day cues that needed more.

Today I...

Well I could go with my normal what I do on Fridays.

I could go with what is different about my time in isolation on a Friday.

Or I could say.

Today I mourned.

That's what I'm doing today.

I'm mourning the loss of one friend a couple of weeks ago and the loss of another yesterday.

I'm mourning a country that is burning.

I'm mourning a pandemic that has taken over 100,000 Americans and over 360,000 world wide.

I'm mourning a lack of leadership.

I'm mourning.

Today I  mourned.

The friend that passed last week I had actually lost a few years ago to addiction. His overdose just made it a permanent loss. The last conversation we had wasn't a great one. And that hurts. I can't change it and honestly I wouldn't. You cannot want something for someone more than they want it for themselves. I tell people that all the time when talking about sobriety. I wanted him clean SO MUCH but he wasn't there. It didn't matter how much I desired it. Or pretended it could happen. I knew it wasn't. He knew it wasn't. I wouldn't help him use.

It's a sickness. It's a brain chemistry problem. It's a disease. I know all of these things. But I also know that you have to work for your healing. Just like you have to manage your insulin if you are a diabetic. Or take your medication if you have high blood pressure. You have to work to keep yourself well. I cannot do it for you. And just like I wouldn't give a diabetic a bag of sugar and hide their insulin I won't help someone support a drug habit.

And I feel lousy that that was the last conversation we had. Because I wanted him to get clean. I wanted him to become sober. I wanted him back in my life. I missed him. And now that's forever.

Today I mourned.

I don't know how my other friend died. I just know that he's gone. I was just thinking of him yesterday when we got the notice that our county is going to reopen from the virus shutdown. He lives..lived... across the river in Washington. We can...could...meet in Portland for lunch again soon. I was going to send him a message telling him as soon as we were able we needed to have a picnic. I didn't send it yesterday. I mean, I had all the time in the world and we weren't even able to yet.

And now he's gone. And I can't.

He and I shared a birthday. No matter where he was or I was on the 20th we'd reconnect for a just a moment. Online. In a text. On Facebook. Our Junior year of high school the first day of school was our birthday. We made it until lunchtime when we cut out and went to the mall. I mean, it was unreasonable to start school on our 16th birthday! How dare they! And my entire family had forgotten my birthday. But he didn't. Of course. How could he? It was ours.

He and I started life together. A few hours apart in hospitals across the street from each other. We went to elementary school together. We went to high school together. We hung out. We shared a birthday. My 18th birthday he stopped by my work to make sure he wished me a happy one. Then when he found out I wasn't doing anything special he made sure I came to his party. Which ended up in a funny story that I was able to share with my nephew to help him tell me about his own life.

I would get little messages from him. Jokes. Memes. Quick observations. We would chat for a minute and he'd be gone again. Today talking about his death online I saw that over and over again. So many of us would get a random HOOKER! message in the middle of the night, or day, and then whatever it was that he thought we'd like to see. I will miss that.

Today I mourned.

I'm watching the news out of Minneapolis about the riots. The riots. Because somehow I should pay attention to them. But I just don't care about them. Not in a deep way. Because nobody can tell me that a tv or a building is more important than George Floyd. George Floyd was murdered. He's another black man who is dead. Another one.

Oh and I see the pearl clutching and the I would nevers and the I don't understand it and I get that. I would never. And I don't understand it. Because I'm white. Because no matter how much struggle I've had in my life I haven't had that one. So I don't have that reservoir of anger built up. That daily grind of knowing that the first thing people see is my skin. That my parents struggled with this. That my grandparents struggled. That my great grandparents struggled. That when seeing a recording of a man kneeling on the neck of someone who looks like me there would be people saying, Well what did he do before that? Like there is ANYTHING he could have been doing that would justify that.

That there are people right now using that anger as a reason to dismiss the fact that George Floyd was murdered.

That George Floyd is not the first. He won't be the last. He's not even the only one this year. Breonna Taylor was sleeping in her bed when she was murdered. So what did she do? She went home and went to bed. Then she died. Ahmaud Arbery was jogging. And it wasn't even the police with him, just some dudes in his neighborhood. Who felt like it was their right to chase him down and kill him. And they would have gotten away with it completely if they hadn't been so cocky and confident in their whiteness as to have a friend FUCKING RECORD THE WHOLE GODDAMN THING.

No, I don't understand it. Because I haven't lived it. I'm angry enough witnessing it in my life. But to live it? To have it be a part of your every day. Your struggle. I understand anger. I understand anger at things you have no control over. I was abused as a kid. For a few years. Just a few. And it is still a part of me. Now imagine that being all of your years. And all of the years of every generation before you. And all of the people around you.

So yeah, you don't get it. Count your lucky stars. Now listen to those that get it. That live it. That are dealing with it all the time. Their anger is righteous. Your dismissiveness is adding to it. Listen. And be angry with them.

If you were able to see a large group of heavily armed white people screaming about their haircuts and their need to reopen businesses and think that somehow they were being oppressed and say, yeah, two months is too long and not see that slavery to Jim Crow to Redlining to "What did he do before he was murdered" for hundreds of years would make someone SO MAD THEY COULD EXPLODE I don't know what to tell you.

Today I mourned.

We're in the middle of a pandemic. And you know that struggle I mentioned above? Add that to it. Yes, we are all susceptible to the virus, but it's hitting communities of color much harder. Because of the racism. Seriously. Worse health care, so there are more underlying conditions. Fewer jobs that are in the "Able to work from home" category so more chances to be infected. Angry? Yeah, how would you not be angry when you saw that even a virus attacked you harder?

And I've talked about it before. I HATE the dismissiveness of the "elderly and sick" argument. Like shaving a decade from Grandma's life is cool. Or multiple decades from someone with asthma. It's positively barbaric to look at life like that. Like we are culling the herd.

I hate that people want to argue about wearing masks. Or sitting 6 feet away from someone. Or that we need to do contact tracing to try to stop the spread. Or that rant above where people think that they are being oppressed by taking care of each other. Fuck you.

Today I mourned.

We have no leadership. We are rudderless. He is tossing red meat to his base and it's disgusting. That's not leadership that's...I don't know what that is. But fucking vote in November to get him out of our house because we can't do another four years.

We can't.

Today I mourned.

I Miss... (A Side Quest of the Corona Chronicles)

That's the prompt for today's picture of the day.

Yes, I'm doing it again. But just for this month. FMS did a monthly Isolation prompt and I thought it would be kind of interesting to capture things with that filter on.

Today is I Miss...

I'm having a hard time with it. First off how do you take a picture of something you miss? If you are missing it you don't have it so you can't very well take a picture of it. And she already had a throwback prompt so using another previously taken picture doesn't sit well with me. Though I was pleased that I was able to tie the throwback into the Iso situation...

But now all of that fat and sassy is draining away as I think...I miss...

What do I miss?

Well I miss Christopher. But that's not due to Covid. That's an all the time thing. There is always a part of me that wishes he was closer. But even if we weren't on lock down this isn't a time of year we normally see him. We did last year when we back to New Mexico to see Mom...

And yes, it's been a year since the last time I saw my mother. Which was the last time I will ever see my mother. And it's Mother's Day weekend so I miss my mom. But, as those of you know who have been reading this blog for awhile, I was losing my mother for years before she passed. So missing my mother isn't tied to the pandemic either. Or new.

I miss...

We are really well suited for isolation. Brent's job is portable and working from home hasn't been perfect for him, but it's completely doable. No loss of income so we aren't stressing financially. I stay home and write and clean and read and do whatever the hell I want* all the time so I was already prepared for staying at home. No change.

We are each other's favorite companion. We do most everything together all the time anyway. We are also not super social. We're both loners who are fine being alone together. Or with C. But we live a really quiet, small, life normally. It's our preference. So I'm not missing big social gatherings. And honestly, aside from my boys a lot of the people I'm closest to have all been online more than normal because they are bored so I'm actually getting to talk to them more than I would have before the virus. They might be hating being alone but I'm liking that they are posting more. So...

I'm a good cook. And as you all know I am always thinking I should cook more because I'm a good cook. I just hate planning* so I always find a reason not to. And right now I don't have the option not to do that. So I've been cooking and we've been eating well. It's about to get trickier as the supply chain for meat is breaking down and I'm not super well versed in vegetarian cooking but I'll figure it out. I think if you were to ask Brent he'd tell you that he's liking this a lot more. We eat well, we know exactly what is going into everything we eat, and it's super easy with him working from home.

I love going to movies. Normally on Mother's Day weekend we go see the first of the season blockbusters. Some sort of action movie is usually out right about now. But we have the basement set up so well now that watching movies there is actually really nice. The screen isn't as big as a theater, the sound system isn't as good, but we never have those annoying people talking during the movie, or checking their phone screens, or kicking a seat or chewing loudly. It's really nice. So tonight we'll go downstairs and watch Extraction and that will be great.

I miss my pedicures and my haircuts. I like getting my toes done all shiny and pretty. It makes me happy. I like getting my hair cut and colored and looking pretty. I am vain about my hair. But I'm making it a game. How long will my hair be before I can get it cut again? What style might I change to since it will already be longer and I will have some other options? What color is lurking in those roots? Could I go back to my natural now? Is there enough gray? It's fun. I also get to visit with Sara online so though it will be nice to see her in person I still get to visit with her and pretend I look better for it as well, all without risking her and her family's health.

The weather is super warm this weekend. So we might have gone out early this morning and hit the zoo or the Japanese Garden or headed to the beach. But this weekend is super warm and it's Mother's Day and it's been raining on the weekends even when the week has been nice lately so EVERYONE would have headed to the zoo, or the garden or the beach so we might have decided to stick around home instead...which is what we are doing.

I could get existential. I miss thinking that when faced with an actual BIG problem we would be able to drop our tribalism and work together. I mean when you have people not wearing masks to make a political statement? Honestly...why is your political statement I don't give a fuck about anybody but myself? That's such a bad statement to make. So I miss thinking that but honestly there wasn't a huge part of me that thought that anymore. I mean when you have people actively rooting for another Civil War you have to know we are way far gone.

I could think I miss thinking that everyone on my friend list was too smart and too full of common sense to fall for Plandemic. But I've been arguing with Anti-vaxxers and Clinton Hitlist believers and fucking Birthers for years so I already knew that wasn't true. People believe some bonkers shit and there is nothing you can do except shake your head. And call them names when they can't hear you. Allegedly.

So what do I miss?

*Hmmm...what is this?

Oh there it is. I miss options. I might choose to do the same, or close to it anyway, even when this is all over but I'd like to have the option to do something else.

And that is something for all of us to think about. We are at a point right now where we are seeing what we actually do miss and what is working better for us right now. What do we want to add back into the mix when this is all over? And, understand, this isn't anywhere close to all over no matter what that screaming memies on TV want you to think. The virus is still out there. We still need to be cautious as things open back up. The shutdown and isolation was to give our healthcare workers a chance at not being overwhelmed. If we try to slam back into life full throttle before we have a vaccine, before most of us have caught the virus, we are back to square one. We need to SLOWLY ease back in. Add one thing at a time. Wear your damn mask to protect other people. Wash your hands to protect yourself.

We need to think about what our new normal will look like, because the old one isn't coming back, and honestly do you want it to? What do YOU miss? What don't you miss?

Anyway...

So yeah, I think what I miss is options. The knowledge that I can decide on dinner or breakfast right before I go get it instead of having to plan and shop and defrost and... The let's go to the movies. The let's go to the beach. Just the let's see if that's at the Mall and then get soup dumplings...

I miss having options.

Not sure which ones I will pick back up (option my options?) but I will be glad to get back to having them.

I know a place...

Yesterday my picture of the day prompt was Tiny. I was stumped for most of the day. Tiny? I have a few totems that are a little small, but I've used them for other things. Tiny? Then when I was at the hockey game last night I put my hand in my pocket and Ta Da! I had my keys in there and on my key chain is a tiny little Colonel Sanders. Whew! I was saved. So since it took me so long yesterday to come up with something I figured I better get a head start on today. Checked the prompt and Happy Place...

I told Brent that it was too bad the hockey game was last night instead of Saturday because being at the game would work for my prompt. He asked what it was and when I told him he waggled his eyebrows at me in an exaggerated lascivious face and I laughed. Hmmm...maybe not. Then I said maybe shoe shopping? I need to get a new pair of shoes so that could be my happy place? He reminded me that though I love shoes I hate shopping. And he's right. So surrounded by shoes makes me happy on one hand and completely frustrated on the other if nothing fits. Hmmm....I would have to think about it.

Last night I dreamt that it was going to be really warm on the Coast so we decided to head out there. C was home so it was Brent, C and I. As we got closer to the beach there was snow drifting on the road. And then I looked out the window and there was snow on the beach. I was fine for a minute because I have always wanted to be at the Coast when it snowed. It doesn't happen a lot, the coastal range will get snow, but on the actual beach? Not as often. There was a good sized storm this fall and it looked very cool. So I was fine with it. Until I realized that I hadn't grabbed a coat. Or shoes. So there I sat in the front seat of the car looking out at the snowy beach wearing a sleeveless top with no coat or shoes. This wasn't going to go well.

Then the dream sort of shifted and we had stopped to help this family. Parents with two young kids and they were trying to take care of the baby and feed the toddler and the toddler was being stubborn. Brent told me to do them a favor and feed the toddler since I was good at that. So I did. After we got them all situated we headed over to our hotel room. Which was right on the beach. There was a cement courtyard that led to the sand and then the ocean. A storm started to pick up and the waves would come crashing right up in the courtyard. It was awesome. Brent, C and I watched and oohed and ahhed as the waves crashed, then I noticed a little store in the same area as the hotel and figured they would have shoes so I could go on the beach in the snow! And they had a picture of Mickey Mouse in the window so I took that as a sign I would find something great in the store.

I woke up. And I thought...oh right! The beach is my happy place.  And being helpful to people. That's my happy place. And Disney. Disney is my happy place as well. And being with the boys doing something we all enjoy. That is my happy place. Oh! And laughing, that's my happy place, right? A friend of mine added me to a group this week that is for comedy writers. Now I'm a comedy observer more than writer, but I love it. Someone will post a joke for feedback and they get some and they also get a lot of people riffing on that joke with jokes of their own. It makes me laugh. And laughing is my happy place.

And then I thought well I'm 50% happy anyway. And I tend to search out the 40% to make me 90% happy all of the time so maybe my happy place really is all of the places?

And I thought, that's it. My happy place can be where ever when ever. As long as there is a laugh to be had or something to be learned or friends or family or waves or Mickey Mouse or a good book or a warm fire or...well you get the point. I don't have just one happy place. I have all the places.

Which still leaves me with no picture for the day, but I did get a blog out of it and that makes me....

well you know.

The Weathermom...

There are times when I know that I am my mother's child. Like when I go in to the grocery store for a quart of milk and come out knowing the checker's weekend plans. Or when I automatically smile at the person walking towards me even if I don't have any clue who they are. When I catch myself having a conversation and nobody is home but me...

Or when I ask C if he has enjoyed the rain or snow or sunshine at school because I know the weather where he is. My mother was probably one of the first people to discover The Weather Channel on cable. If you called her right now she could most likely tell you not only the weather in Albuquerque but the weather in Portland, Colorado Springs and Burlington as well. Because she always knows the weather where her family is. It's part of what she does. And it always made me laugh when I was younger. She would call and know that we had had record heat in Florida, or were facing a monster snow storm in Idaho or that there had been a water spout off the coast in California.

Knowing the weather is important. When we are going on a trip I plug in the location on my weather app on my phone and track what it will be while we are there. Did I say when we are going on a trip? By we, I mean them as well. I don't have to be going. When Brent went to Germany last summer it was in my phone, when he goes to Salt Lake next month, it will be in my phone. Burlington never leaves the favorites list. I check in on the weather in Vermont 3 or 4 times a week.

I've come to realize that I am my mother's child in this area. And now I understand why she does it. There is something about knowing if C is walking to class in the sunshine or the snow that makes me feel closer to him. That makes the distance not seem so far. If I can see what his day will be like weather-wise I can feel that little extra bit of connection to him. And if we are having the same sort of weather? Well that just makes me smile...unless it's snow...

Well isn't that just perfect...

Today's themed picture is "Imperfect" and my first thought was it was self-portrait time. When I was younger before people started wearing the WWJD bracelets there were PBPGINFWMY bumper stickers. That stood for Please Be Patient God Is Not Finished With Me Yet. And I always loved that idea. That we are all always still improving. When I graduated from high school my best friend bought me a front license plate for my car that read "I might not be perfect, but parts of me are excellent" I liked that thought as well.

I'm not perfect. I'm about as far from perfect as you can get and I am really okay with that. I am a firm believer in the school of thought that perfectionism is a disease and you have to learn to let things go. There are areas that I can get obsessive about and I have to remind myself that it's okay to not be perfect. That in our imperfections the best things can be found. That mistakes can be the best part of your day. That the wrong turn can have you end up in the place you were meant to be all along.

I've also been accused of trying to be perfect. Usually you get that one when what you are doing is different than what someone else wants you to do. Or if your moral stance doesn't line up with theirs. And that's another area where I have to say I am imperfect. I have an ideal in my head that I am working towards. Let's say an enlightened me. But I still fall short of that ideal. A lot. I have a wicked temper at times. I can be judgmental. I can be impatient. Those are things I don't want to be. And I think I am getting better at it. Except when I'm not. And that's okay as well.

Imperfection is fine. It's a good place to be. If I were perfect I wouldn't have a chance to learn. To grow. To change. And that's really what life is about isn't it? Growing, changing, learning?

At least that is what I keep telling myself. For now I will be happy to be perfectly imperfect.

Oh and as far as the picture went? I used an older picture of myself. Today I look grubby and didn't feel like putting on makeup or doing my hair...vanity...yet another one of my imperfections. And that's a good thing for anyone who had to look at the picture. You're welcome.