Whew...Congratulations and Sorry....

Brent let me know yesterday that his department had enough voluntary leavers that there won't be any layoffs. I gave him a kiss and told him congratulations and I'm sorry. He smiled and said yes.

And that's what it feels like. Good to have made it another round of employee culls without losing his job but when we thought for awhile we might be able to make it work it was looking really sweet. And if it had happened that he'd get the tap on the shoulder to go anyway it wouldn't have been devastating. A little worrisome for sure as we sorted it out, but not the worst thing in the world. 

Now he's back to looking at ending his career with Intel and the next few years are going to be really challenging as they reorganize a workload that (for his area) was already really intense to being covered by even fewer people. And a few of the people who left we really critical to what they were doing. 

As is the way. 

But we are safe from layoffs and know it a month earlier than expected. So that's good. 

I actually slept better last night than I have been so I was clearly still stressing about it even though I was telling myself it would all be fine. 

He is taking his last sabbatical starting in October. That was one of the benefits they cut along with the massive layoffs. No more long sabbaticals. Which was, honestly, the very best Intel perk they had and I think it is a mistake to let it go. But they are so there it is. But Brent is still owed this one and it's already on the books. It's going to be interesting getting ready for it for him and what happens when he gets back, because it's happening right as they are restructuring (and honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if it ended up getting pushed to next year). 

Even if it does somehow get pushed we will still take the trips we already had scheduled so it would just be a choppy work time for him. 

We are also going to make a master list of things we want to do while he still has a job and we have that income. That was the biggest thing when we were looking at cuts. What will we cut when we retire, and if we retire earlier what all will be cut? Travel was a big cut. It would end up being an every few years we swing a trip situation instead of every year, or a few times a year. And they would be smaller trips. 

So where do we want to go before that changes? What would we regret not seeing? 

We are doing two things that have been "on the list" over sabbatical. A trip to Hawaii, I KNOW you are all saying, how can that be on the list when you do it all the time? Well this one is to the Big Island to do a night snorkel with the manta rays. We were going to do it years ago and the weather was so bad they cancelled the dive. It's been on the list to go back for ages, but we always go to Maui during whale season so it just kept staying on the list. This year we are doing it. I'm looking forward to it and also a little worried since it has the reputation of being a seasick making journey for even people who don't get seasick. I'm hoping since I know that ahead of time the dramamine won't fail me and it will be wonderful. We've been lucky enough to swim with rays while out snorkeling during the day but the night dive is supposed to be amazing. 

The other one off the list is going up to Leavenworth for their Christmastown. We aren't going over a weekend so we'll miss some of the activities, but we aren't going over a weekend so we will miss some of the crowds as well. The pictures always look so amazing and I think it will be fun. 

We will sit down and get serious about a bigger list and start checking them off. Sometimes it takes a jolt to let you know what you really think is important. Travel was higher on the list than I think I realized. 

But anyway...that's the update. We live to slay another day...

A Day Early...

Yes, technically August doesn't end until tomorrow, but tomorrow is sort of busy so I'll write today instead. 

I was so optimistic that August was going to be better than August has been lately and then, well, you know, August Augusted and it's been a little stressful. 

But other than that how did the month go?

The rapid fire bonkers politics slowed down. Trump is still trumping, but the dems have been having a great time. The convention was fun and interesting for the first time in ages. The press is doing them no favors, but the Harris/Walz ticket has been barnstorming the battleground states and it's been great to watch. I'm feeling a little optimistic for November but also not feeling like it's a shoe in. Trump is running to stay out of jail and he's desperate so it will still be a mess. Everyone double and triple check your registration and make sure you vote. 

Personally, aside from the Intel stress, I rolled along with things. 

Just finished week five in that 6 week running series I told you about before. I was running at 5.3 for my high speeds weeks 1-3 but dropped back to mostly 5.0 week four. The distances and elevation changes were making 5.3 just out of reach but a slight dial back and it's a stretch, but not to the point where I feel like I'm dying. And since my overall speed was around 4.5 before this is still faster and that was the goal, faster and longer without feeling like I'm dying. Also a good reminder that it's okay to step back a little when you need to. 

Writing was a little slow. That's due to the Intel stuff. I didn't want to talk about that until we made some decisions, and because all Brent and I were talking about in off times was that, so I didn't want to talk about it during other times. BUT...because it was the main thing in my head it made writing about anything else tricky. I process things by writing about them and when I haven't then nothing else wants to be there. But I hit the base goals. Nothing for padding, but the five fiction and 13 nonfiction got done. Hopefully next month that will pick back up again. I mean, I'll still be a little worried about the Intel stuff until we are past October 1, but there is nothing else to do but wait so I'm hoping it tucks back in the back of my head and sits there.

I'm three weeks into the thyroid medication. The doctor said it could take up to two months to kick in, and that's when I'll get retested, so I'm trying not to be too disappointed but... The weight gain stopped. That's the good thing. But I haven't lost any of what I gained either. Which I was really hoping would happen. My wardrobe has become a cycle of just a handful of things, especially if I have to leave the house, and I don't want to have to start replacing them. It would be incredibly depressing to get rid of everything that doesn't fit right now. So much stuff would go. But if my weight doesn't shift soon that's what I'll do. I hate the feeling of not fitting everything in my closet. I really do feel like you should not own things that make you feel badly about yourself. And trying to squeeze into a too small outfit will do that for me. And I don't think the hair loss has slowed just yet. I keep repeating, "it can take up to two months to kick in" everytime I throw away a clump of hair, but I'm not going to lie, I was hoping for a quicker turnaround.

And aside from all of that I just can't believe August is over and it's already September. We are in the rapid downhill part of the year now. Hang on tight!

Kisses...

“Everyone remembers their first kiss.”

“I don’t.”

“What? How can you not remember your first kiss?”

“I guess it’s more that I’m not sure what my first kiss was. I mean clearly your first kiss was from a family member when you were born.”

“Okay, yeah, sure, the first person to kiss you was probably your mother. But I’m talking about your first kiss from the opposite sex.”

“My dad.”

“Okay, no, I mean romantically.”

“Why does your first romantic kiss have to be from the opposite sex?”

“Okay, sure, so your first non-family, romantic kiss. Everyone remembers that.”

“When I was a kid there was a game in elementary school called ‘Catch ‘em, Kiss ‘em’ where a boy would chase the girls around or a girl would chase the boys and if they could catch them, they kissed them. Does that count as a first romantic kiss? Because I know some people viewed that as their first kiss but it’s more like ‘Sexual assault for beginners’ when you really think about it.”

“Geez, okay, no that doesn’t count. And where were the teachers when this was going on? Chasing and kissing? Seriously?”

“Yeah, seriously. And there was always one kid who was way too into the game. Like that’s all they wanted to play.”

“Okay, that’s just kind of…”

“Innocent tomfoolery. That’s what it would have been viewed as. The same as when a boy would hit you or pop your bra strap or call you vicious names and the teachers, the principal, the gym coach, your parents, would tell you that it was because he liked you. So, if that kid cornered you in the hallway and kissed you, was that your first kiss?”

“Oh, fuck no. That doesn’t count.”

“There was a boy I went to church with who told everyone his first kiss was with me. You want to know how it happened?”

“I’m afraid of how this is going to go, but okay.”

“So, we were like 7 or 8, just little kids really, and we were on a church picnic by a lake. He asked me if I wanted to see something cool. Of course I wanted to see something cool. We walked down to the lake edge, and he pointed at something on the ground and said, ‘Look’ so I looked. And there was nothing there but rocks and water. I looked up to tell him that I couldn’t see the cool thing and when I raised my face he was right there and kissed me. Then said that that was the cool thing.”

“Ew.”

“Yep. And then he and his sister told everyone we were now boyfriend and girlfriend because we were kissing by the lake. I got a lecture from my mother about letting boys kiss me. He got to be the cool kid who already had a girlfriend. So, is that my first romantic kiss?”

“No. I don’t think that counts. Do you remember the first time you wanted someone to kiss you? That you wanted to kiss someone? That, I think, would be the first time.”

“I kissed a lot of people before I really wanted to be kissed by someone. There were games of spin the bottle. Seven minutes in heaven. Truth or dare. There was a lot of kissing before we even all reached dating age. And even then, there were a lot of dates that ended with a kiss that I would have been fine not kissing that person. Had no real desire to kiss them actually. But it was just what you did. You kissed. So, none of those count is what you are saying?”

“Well, yeah, no. Maybe? I don’t know now. Now I’m not even sure what my first kiss was.”

“I’m sorry. You can hold on to what you thought your first kiss was. It’s a better story than not knowing. But maybe…”

“Maybe?”

“Maybe it’s not terrible to not know. I mean you have no idea what your last kiss will be. Like in movies you see the last kiss between a couple as one is dying, the music swells, the tears fall, it’s all very moving. But in real life people die unexpectedly. Maybe the quick kiss before your spouse leaves for work is the last one you’ll ever have. Maybe the breakup kiss you had with your last partner is the last time you’ll kiss someone that passionately. The world isn’t tidy.”

“And you think that’s not terrible?”

“Yeah, I mean if this could be the last kiss you’ll ever have, then isn’t it sweeter? Shouldn’t every kiss then mean something? Kiss every kiss like it might be your last.”

“That’s a lot of pressure for a kiss.”

“It is. That’s true. So maybe it’s not a big deal to not remember your first.”

 “You could have just started with you didn’t think kissing was all that important.”

“I didn’t say that. I said I don’t remember my first kiss. I don’t remember my first, I don’t know what my last will be. I’m okay with that. I do remember one of my best kisses.”

“Do I even want to know?”

“We were picking peaches on a school outing. Peaches right from the tree when they are perfectly ripe and just a little warm from the sun are the best thing in the world. Taking a bite out of one of those perfect peaches and the juice fills your mouth and drips down your chin, and everyone is laughing and cannot believe that this fruit could be this perfect. And all you want to do is sit in the sun and eat those perfect peaches and laugh with your friends. To this day I can still smell the sweetness in the air and feel the sun on my face and hear the laughter of my friends.”

“And?”

“And what?”

“Where was the kiss?”

She smiled, closed her eyes and softly touched her lips. “Right there.”

 

Writing prompt: Write about a first or last kiss. 
Fun fact, I did include my "first kiss" in the story. 

Now For Something Totally Different...

I used to watch all of the debates, all of the speeches, all of the convention footage. Political junky. Watched it all so I could form all of my own opinions. I was a one woman fact checker sitting on my couch correcting them in real time. 

Which, of course, THRILLED Brent. 

He would place mini bets on how long it would take me to start yelling at the TV. Easier to do if you know who was speaking, and when, and what their favorite "misstatements" were. 

But Trump really broke me of the habit. I didn't enjoy it anymore. There was no point in it. I thought when Paul Ryan said that Republicans wouldn't be held to account by fact checkers that was as low as the party would go. Then they just came up with alternative facts. And with banking on the media to clean up whatever nonsense Trump says with a "what he meant was" rewriting of the headline. 

There was no point in watching anyof it anymore. 

And really no point because who I will and will not vote for has been locked in since Trump got the nomination the first time and the whole party started to fall in line with his world vision. Unless the Republican party has a massive shift I cannot see that changing any time soon. 

But I still checked in on the Republican convention this year for a brief moment. See after the assassination attempt we were promised a new party philosophy. They had seen the light. An actual come to Jesus moment where they were going to be different. 

And they weren't. They were what they have been. They are what they are. And no giant bandage could cover that up. 

Then the talk about Biden dropping out got more heated and there was some talk of a contested convention. Which even Brent was like, "I guess we will have to watch" because of course we would. One it would have been historic. We've never seen one. How would it even work. And who would run? And... But then it was apparent that Biden had his ducks in a row before he stepped away and Harris was set up for success instead of chaos. Again, so glad to have been wrong about that. 

So no need to watch the convention again. I know who I'm voting for. 

But...

I tuned in on Monday while I was cooking dinner. The DNC had a feed on YouTube where it just showed the convention. No talking heads telling me what to think about it. No panel talking over people who they didn't think were interesting enough to listen to. Just the direct feed from the stage. And I watched. And watched. And watched. Monday night went LATE. Biden was the last speaker and it was past midnight DC time before he finished. For a party that was worried about his stamina and his age he kicked that speech out of the park when it was past my bedtime on the West Coast!

But I enjoyed Monday's speeches so I tuned in again on Tuesday. And again on Wednesday. And Thursday. 

I watched it all. 

Brent was not impressed. He saw no need to do it. But I told him it was birthday week so he had to. And he did. 

He wasn't impressed but I was. I enjoyed probably 80% of the speakers I saw. I liked the messaging. I loved the feeling of an energetic and enthusiastic crowd that came across my television set. This was not the doom and gloom and darkness of the Republican convention, which there is always a marked difference, but it wasn't even the cautious let's try and be optimistic feeling of past Democratic conventions. It was a freaking dance party during roll call. It was speakers talking about moving forward with a "joyful warrior" mindset. 

I am here for it. 

It filled my tank in a way that it has not been filled in a long time. 

Unapologetically optimistic about America's future. The belief that we can and will make a difference. Trump and his ideology can and will be defeated. Not running from the feeling of loving America and also believing she can be better. Those ideas are compatible. "In order to form a more perfect union" means we are always looking to improve. It's never we already formed the most perfect union so let's freeze in place. It's a movement. Forward progress. 

We're not going back.

Oh my gosh I loved it all. 

Now we just need to carry all of that with us. Bottle that feeling and put it in our pockets. 

Make sure your voter registration is up to date. Talk to your friends about checking theirs. Have a voting plan. 

Be ready. 

Because when we fight...we win.

And I am excited for the fight. 

Books Chapter 7...

 Books Chapter Six

“Okay, I’ll start at the beginning. Freshman year, pledge week.”

“I didn’t know you were a fraternity guy.”

“Are you telling this story, or am I?”

Gloria laughed, “Sorry, I’ll just sit back and listen. No questions.”

He raised his eyebrows, “Somehow, I doubt that. Anyway, I was pledging Deke, Delta Kappa Epsilon. It had always been understood that I would be a member and so I just followed that path without much thinking about it. Pledge week we were each handed a copy of the tome. It hadn’t even been released yet. This is a prerelease limited edition just for promising young men who will grow up to be the leaders of your country. Impressed?”

“Hardly.”

“That’s not surprising. But we each got a copy and were to read it and know it well enough that anytime a brother asked us a question about it we could recite back an answer. I was actually kind of stoked about it. I mean, pledge weeks have awful reputations of the shit they make you do, but reading? This was definitely my fraternity; these were my people.

Then I started to read it. As you mentioned, it’s well, it’s a lot. He is pretty sure he’s the smartest person to have ever written a book and really wants you to know that. I wasn’t really enjoying it, but I could fake my way through pledge week. No problem.

Then I noticed that all of my older brothers had copies of their own book to live by.  Also, a massive tome. Also, massively unreadable. Instead of Infinite Jest they all had Atlas Shrugged.”

“Oh no!”

“Oh yes. And not only did they all have it there were extra copies just lying around everywhere so you could pick one up and read it at any time. Just in case you were in the mood for some elitist bullshit. But I thought, well, maybe they hadn’t really read it any more than my pledge brothers were reading our tome. So, I asked a few about it. They were reading it. They were enthralled by the ideas. Not only had they read the book they had become Randian acolytes. They were better than everyone else and should be treated accordingly. They deserved every good thing and if that meant that someone else suffered, well was that really their fault?”

Gloria screwed up her face to keep from interjecting.

“Exactly. So, I quit. I packed up my bag and went back to my dorm only to discover that I no longer had a room in Berranger Hall. Everything had been packed up and was at Student Services and my room had been given away.”

“You had a room in Berranger Hall? You gave up a room in Berranger Hall? Nobody gives up a room in Berranger Hall!”

“It wouldn’t have been that big of a deal. I had every expectation that I would be living in the Deke house. No need for the room. I was a shoe in there. No worries about getting washed out. When I quit the pledge process, I didn’t have a room anymore. At least not my old room. They found a space for me in Purgatory Hall.”

“Purgatory Hall?”

“The old dorms. They tore them down the next year to build new. But I was lucky enough to be one of the last residents. And during my year there I was grateful to have the tome. It was useful for propping the window open when the AC didn’t work. It was great at blocking the bathroom door that didn’t lock so you could have a minute of privacy. It was just the right height to stand on to wiggle the bulb in the ceiling so the light would work.”

“Ah, the physically using the book now makes sense. And metaphorically?”

“I carry it everywhere. It’s a weight. A constant reminder that I was set up in life to be able to carry more than other people. Not because I’m better, or stronger, or more capable, but because I was born into a family and system that set me up well. I should carry more because I can carry more. I’ll let it go, eventually, it will end up sitting on the bookshelf of my office or in my house, always a reminder that just because the world sees you one way doesn’t mean you have to see yourself through that same lens. You get to make choices. And sometimes they are going to mean losing your room in the best dorm on campus and staying in purgatory.”

“Hunh.”

“Not really what you expected?”

“No, not really. Maybe you should put some sort of ‘It’s a stepstool, not a book’ sticker on the cover?”

With a quick knock on the door and without waiting for an answer Ellie came rushing into the room.

“Hey! Here you are! Sorry, to interrupt but I don’t want to be late…and…Hey, Con. Wait, are you the TA for comparative lit?”

“Ellie, hello, lovely to see you. Yes, I am. You two know each other I guess?”

“Yes, actually, Ellie is the future best seller I was talking about earlier. Let me pack up and we’ll get going. And Con?”

“Short for Conrad. I started using my middle name a few years ago.” He turned to Ellie now, “I go by Peter now.”

“Short for your middle name, actually. It is nice to see you, and we should catch up soon, and again, I hate to be rude, but I really do need to pull Gloria away now.” Ellie paused for a second, “Would you like to join us?”

“Thank you, but I have someplace I need to be tonight. Gloria, thank you for the time tonight. Just a quick run with your proofreader and your paper should be ready to go. Enjoy your reading, ladies.”

Gloria and Ellie hurried out to the auditorium for Ellie’s reading. “Your TA is Conrad Peterson Berranger. Will wonders never cease.”

“Wait, what? Berranger?”

“Yeah, did you not know his last name?”

“He never said it. Just told everyone to call him Peter. Berranger, like Berranger Hall and Berranger Field?”

“Yeah, he had a falling out with his father a few years ago, big scandal, something about a fraternity, I think? His dad had him tossed out of his dorm room and everything. Big whispers at all the holiday parties that year. I always assumed he must have gotten in trouble at a party, brought embarrassment to the family sort of thing. But it was all just gossip.”

“Well, he did say he was a shoe in to make it. Interesting.”

“What is interesting?”

“The fact that you are reading your first chapter tonight and I get to be there to see other people realize what a genius you are.”

Ellie tried to glare at her, she was avoiding answering directly and Ellie hated it when people did that. But she’d let it pass tonight. Tonight, she was too nervous about her own story to get too wrapped up in someone else’s.

Books Chapter Eight

August Gonna August Cont......

It started with a text message. 

Brent: "hunh"

Me: "What?"

Brent: "That was (redacted) asking if the news was going to affect me."

Me: "What news?"

We hadn't heard a word yet but the leaks had started. Massive layoffs coming down the pike.

The next day the rumor mill at work was churning. There had been multiple leaks to news organizations and the numbers everyone was hearing were large. 

Then the announcement came that a company wide meeting was being moved up. 

Well shit. 

The meeting happened and the numbers were huge. Like I mentioned yesterday 15,000. Holy. Shit.

There would be three phases, early retirement, voluntary separation, then involuntary. There was a package offer for all of it. Which at first we didn't know, we thought it was if you did it voluntarily you got the package and if you waited and were let go, you got nothing, which is how it's been done in the past.

Yes, in the past. In the decades that Brent's been with Intel this is our (we want to say) third time through a massive workforce cull. Though this is the largest for sure. Each time it's happened before it wasn't the right time for us to leave. Katie was still young, or ready to leave for college. The packages were nice, but we are pretty fiscally conservative, not big risk takers at all when it comes to money. Brent's a former finance guy so it's in his personality makeup and I grew up poor so I'm always pretty convinced we are one step away from the street. 

But we have regretted not doing it. Especially since we've had friends who took the packages, went to work someplace else for a little bit, then came back to Intel later for higher pay. 

And this time he hit two of the three markers to make him eligible for the early retirement package. Which in the past he hadn't been eligible for that bigger offer. 

As the information came out as to what they would pay you to leave, and what benefits they would cover for how long we started looking at how we could make that work. We sent the information to our accountant to see the tax hit. We talked to our investment guy to see if we had the money to make it work. 

See, we've had a five year plan going for awhile. With a three year super stretch goal. Suddenly we had a five week plan with a three week planning period. 

A lot of sleepless nights and long discussions. What would we need to do to make it work? Could we make it work? Do we want to make it work?

And happening all around us making that decision were other people making the decision to stay or leave. Which if you stay and 15,000 coworkers don't, your workload is going to change. And they are not only culling a large chunk of the workforce but they are changing pay and bonus structures and cutting some benefits. So more work for less compensation. 

Also in the mix is the fact that he's almost 56. That's not old by any stretch, unless you are talking job hunting. Then it's practically ancient. So if he took the package from Intel with the plan of working for someone else would that even happen? 

Finally the tax ramifications came back; ouch. A little over a third of the pay out gone to taxes. And it would bump us into a higher tax bracket for the year so we would owe more on what he's already made. And then the results from our investment guy. They ran the Monte Carlo (computer simulations for future casting) and it came back 50/50 that we would have enough to last until 80. And since I'm planning on living to be 100 I had already given up 20 years of lifespan to even get that close. 

The biggest hits were the mortgage and health care. We have almost 10 years before we are eligible for medicare. We've been putting money in an HSA to cover the gap if he retires in his early 60s but cutting out five years of growing the account and starting to draw from it right now left us short. For those of you that don't live here, looking at getting health insurance for the two of us was between $15,000 and $30,000 a year. And that's just the premiums, not the deductible or not covered items (which with the 15K there are a lot of not covered items). 

Once we lined it all out, what we would need to do to make it work, what we would need to give up, what we would need to reduce, what the chances are that it would work out, after Brent talked to other friends in his network about the chances of getting another job (the tech industry as a whole is struggling so it was a giant risk) we decided to ride it out. As Brent said, when we penciled it out we discovered we didn't have enough lead...

He's not taking the voluntary early retirement. So now we wait and see if they come tap him on the shoulder and tell him he's going anyway. We don't think they will. They never have in the past, it doesn't seem like he's at risk now, but you never know. And if they do then we are no worse off than we would be if we took it now. In fact we'd be a few months better off, a few more months of pay and benefits before they ended. 

It's been stressful trying to figure it out. And if we had a year to get situated the decision might have been different. We would be able to move more easily (trying to move without an income makes getting a loan harder, not impossible, but much harder). We would have been able to really load up on the HSA and some other retirement investments and savings plans. But three weeks wasn't enough time. And especially knowing that he'd still need to work to be safe. As the finance guy said, "You already have a job that pays (this much) so why go look for a different job that pays less than that?"

So now we wait...

But we also got the chance to see what was really important to us as far as spending goes. The first thing we did was let Katie know that if we did it she would get less when we died and we wouldn't be as strong of a safety net for her if something happened in her volatile industry. So clearly our number one priority is still being able to help her if we need to. The second thing we discovered is that we would really miss travel. The idea of not being able to travel unless the stock market had a really great year was a little disconcerting. 

We still might look at moving. Even moving just across the river to Vancouver would save us money on the house and on taxes so that's a consideration we will explore. We also are still thinking about moving to a place where the cost of living is better. Just to help move that needle. One of our challenges there is politics. The cheapest places have the worst politics. And to be really fair our biggest challenge is me. I don't want to move. I love Oregon. I love that Katie is now close. It will be difficult to get me to uproot. But I'm willing to consider it. 

Here's where I worry we are making the wrong choice. Brent's dad died at 58. Will I look back in a few years and wish we would have made it work because I missed the chance to spend extra time with him? Or do we move forward knowing that Brent has made different health choices to break the early Mastenbrook male death trend? My dad was the oldest living Clifton male ever. He broke a bad trend. Brent could as well. But those are 2 AM thoughts...

Right now we just move forward like nothing has changed. Brent's sabbatical is still on the calendar, though we know that could end up not happening as they have to restructure work loads. If it does we will still take the trips we planned and already reserved but it will be a week off here, a week off there, instead of the full deal. And then he'll take it next year, or get paid out for it depending on what they want. 

And once we pass the involuntary time period we make plans for the things we want to do before he leaves the workforce and we enjoy the opportunities we have. And understand that he will need those breaks even more because it's going to be rough going covering for everyone else who leaves.

Assuming we pass the involuntary time period. October 1 is when they will have let everyone know.  

Wish us luck!

Wake me up when September ends....

August Gonna August...

This was the year that I thought I might finally feel celebratory for August again. 

I'll back up, way up, for anyone who might be new around here.

When I was growing up I can remember two birthdays standing out. And technically I can only really remember one. One I have a picture of and have these vague memories but I'm not sure that they are really memories or things people have told me or things I've mixed in. ANYWAY...when I was three we were in Iowa visiting my mom's family for the annual trip. Normally that was July, I think, but we were there in August one year. There is a picture of me standing next to my birthday cake. Just mine. Not shared. 

That's a big deal because I never had a solo birthday. I have a large family and so celebrations were often done as a month thing. My Aunt Lucille, cousin Todd and brother John all had August birthdays as well so we had a family dinner and called it good. Aunt Lucille loved creamed tacos (sounds gross but they are delicious) and John loved German Chocolate Cake so that's what we had for dinner. Now, I love those things as well, my sister Ann's German Chocolate Cake is one of my very favorite things in the world, but I never got them by my choice. Just because that's what we had. Every year. And that was that. Todd got another birthday celebration from his folks, but mine were like, that's done and that was it. 

Which is why the other birthday I remember sticks out. My 16th. Nobody remembered it. Closest I've ever come to living a John Hughes movie. But at least Andi's dad does remember that night. For my family my birthday celebration had already happened the weekend before and so done. My 16th was also the first day of school my junior year. Which was just adding insult to well insult. My friend Matt shared my birthday and also my feeling that this was not cool so we cut out half way through the day and went to the mall. 

That was it for my birthdays during childhood. 

My 18th birthday Matt had me come join his party. My 19th birthday Brent threw me a party with the people I worked with and the people he was in Navy A school with. So basically two parties with mostly people I didn't know but sort of for me (though Matt's was his party with me tagging along because he COULD NOT handle me not celebrating our 18th). My 20th birthday (The Magic Birthday, the one where you turn your age on the date of your birth) Brent bought me roses and we went to dinner. My 21st we drove around to various convenience stores buying booze trying to get someone to card me. It took me putting my hair in pigtails and looking nervous before someone finally bit. 

Then for years I didn't really do anything at all. Birthdays didn't mean anything to me. I hadn't celebrated as a kid, I hadn't found a reason to celebrate them as an adult. Brent finally broke me down, so I started celebrating my birthday with a movie and dinner. Then more movies so I'd stretch it to birthday weekend, I think one year we got four movies fit in. Then I started celebrating birthday month. I told him I was going to make up for lost time. But I didn't want it to be just me celebrating so I created Cake and Compliments month. 

For the month of August I would remind people to give each other compliments, to say the nice things out loud, and to have your favorite treats. And to think of me while you did it. Which, I'm not going to lie, was a lot of fun. Social media made that something really cool. People would post pictures of treats they were having and would tag me when they complemented each other. It was great. 

Then five years ago Mom died. It wasn't a sudden death, she had been in failing health for awhile. We had gone home that spring to see her because I just knew it was going to be her last year. But she decided at the beginning of August that she was done. So we waited as she faded away. Almost the entire month of August was spent waiting on her to die. Getting updates on how close to dying she was that day. Last phone calls, last pictures. Talking with my siblings more than I probably have my entire adult life. Put together. But mostly just waiting. 

Which was, as you can imagine, not great. 

And that was the end of birthday month. I tried the next year to pull it together and pretend but it just wasn't there and it hasn't been. Brent's been more bummed about it than I have. For me it's just what it is. I have fond memories of the small stretch of time, comparatively, that I celebrated and the variety of ways that I did, with especially strong positives around C&C month, but I'm not sad to let them go. They are just seasons that passed.

But I thought I might give it a try this month just to see if I could recapture it a bit. Mostly so Brent would stop being so bummed that I lost it. 

And then Intel announced that they were slashing their workforce by 15,000 people. 

Well fuck.  

There goes August Augusting again. 

I'll write that blog, the one this one was going to be before I got caught up in backstory, soon. Tomorrow or this weekend for sure.

Until then, happy August, check your wallets and count your rings, she's a tricky one!

Follow Ups...

So remember back in June when I had the blood panels done as part of the ADD assessment? It came back subclinical hypothyroidism. The level of my TSH (Thyroid stimulating hormone) was high but not super high, just let's keep an eye on this high. At the levels they were it could either be a sign that my thyroid was starting to fail or that it was just taking a little break. The diagnosis was wait and see and get retested in a few months.

Fast forward to August and I got retested. And the levels are higher. So it's not taking a little break it's failing. I could have waited for another round of testing before starting medication but I'm starting to show symptoms so no waiting necessary. 

I started thyroid medication, basically fake thyroid hormones, last week. I have to take them first thing in the morning an hour before I eat anything or have any coffee. Also I have to not take any other supplements within four hours of taking the meds. So I've had to rejigger my morning. Moved my vitamins and estrogen to dinner for instance. I also get up now and make Brent's breakfast, make our smoothies, do the dishes THEN make my own breakfast and eat. I'm sort of eating breakfast with Brent still, as in I'm in the kitchen while he eats. Weekends are easier, I get up and take my pill then go back to bed. Brent makes breakfast so it will be ready at least an hour after I take my pill. 

I go back in in 8 weeks to have my levels retested and see if this does the trick. It might take a few times and adjustments to hit the right amount of medication. 

I'm really hopeful that I see an end to the side effects and a reversal of some of them. Like my hair. I'd really like my hair to stop falling out in massive amounts. I mean I've always shed quite a bit and with it being long it really seems like even more than it is, but it's noticeably thinner right now. I've even got the start of a bald spot on my forehead. The doctor said it should all start to grow back once we get the hormones rebalanced. 

Also hopeful, of course, that I drop some of this weight. Especially with the changing of the season I really would like to get back to the size I was. I've been making due with some of my stretchy dresses and loose pants. Winter will be a challenge if I don't get back down to the size most of my wardrobe is. I absolutely don't relish the idea of having to buy a new wardrobe. But hoping this turns the tide on my weight. 

The other piece I'm really interested in is the cardiovascular stuff. But I won't know if this is helping that or not. I guess if I don't have a heart attack soon then I will know at least my systems didn't get worse. That is the piece that worried me the most. Not the part that bothered me the most. The hair and the weight did that. But if I stopped and thought about it it was the part that made me worry. To be clear, I wasn't having any symptoms, except a short spate of higher than normal blood pressure, but it's a side effect of your thyroid failing. And I have a family history of heart disease so as soon as I heard it was a side effect part of my brain latched on to it as a worry point. But no actual symptoms of anything bad happening. 

Hopefully the meds do their job and I get my hair back, my weight down, and my heart stays healthy. 

Fingers crossed!

It Kicks!

I graduated in 1986. It seemed like on every notebook, shoe, note passed, yearbook post someone would write '86 Kicks! 

I've had it stuck in my head for a week thinking about hashtags. I skipped last year because I couldn't settle on which worked #55StillAlive (slightly low bar) or #55StillIStrive (seemed a little much) so I went with no hashtag. I also decided that I wasn't going to do any goals for the next year. 

So that was a bust all the way around...

Fifty five was a challenge of a year. Lots of little and not so little health things. But I'm starting to worry that that is the way it's going to be now. The warranty clearly expired somewhere in my early 50s. In fact last night in the middle of the night I need to roll over and stretch, my back was starting to hurt, my hands were clawed up and my fingers were aching and I thought, I can never tell if I've got an injury or if I'm just old and can't stay in one place for long *pause... internal laugh* Happy birthday to me. For the record it was just middle of the night need to stretch, no new injuries! 

It was also a good year for some self discovery. Learned that I have ADD and I've been compensating for it my whole life without ever getting a diagnosis. It didn't really change anything, but it made me feel better to know that I was right, my brain just works differently. And it made me feel like a genius that I had figured out all of the workarounds that they would have recommended to me. I always like to feel smart. 

I also figured out that no goals is a no go for me. I need those things to have ahead of me to keep me focused. Even on things that I like to do. That's tied to the ADD part of my head. I need those gold stars, it's medicinal...

Anyway...now I'm 56. And apparently it kicks. Though Brent did wish me a happy birthday this morning by saying it's Fifty Sexty which was husband level pro for sure. 

What do I want from the coming year?

I want to be healthy. I want to be happy. I want to stay centered and calm during the coming political storm. I want my house to feel comfortable. I want my days to seem focused. I want my relationships with my husband and my child to continue to be solid. 

So what am I going to do to make those things happen? 

Just keep doing what I'm doing. 

Which, I know, sounds like a cop out but it's what I've got. 

I'll keep working out, watching what I'm eating, keeping an eye out for weird health bumps. I'll keep writing and reading and tending to the house. I'll keep connecting with my daughter either over the phone or in person. I'll keep trying my best to be a good partner to my husband. And I'll walk away from things that aren't serving me. Be they relationships that have run their course, news sources that have lost their way, social media that is too much, books that aren't entertaining or enlightening in some way. Habits that are not benefiting me. 

Just more of the same. And for some of it I'll attach numbers to them and trick myself into thinking I've got a stronger reason to do it than just cause I want to. You know, medicinal gold stars. 

And I think that's it. I'll write a little bit more about the health stuff later this week as a stand alone blog. 

But for now

#56Kicks
#FiftySexty
#GetYourKicksImNow56
#56ThatsOneMoreThan55
#56InTheMix
#56teenInMyHead

Not Healed...

Ever think you are over something and then discover how far you are from being over it? 

A few days ago a friend of mine was tagged in a photo and post from a friend of theirs. I read the post, as one does and then I hid the post, hid the person, and walked away from my phone to keep myself from going in and posting something nasty to her. 

I'm not going to share her name, but I am going to share the section that made me so mad. Because it was not just an I could see it because my friend was tagged, but a public post, and I'm not sure who she is but she has a blue check so it means she has enough followers to actually be of some sort of influence. 

Ready?

"If you quit working, made patients wear masks, isolated people, or got a shot, I don’t want to give you one ounce of my money, my respect, or my energy."

The amount of entitlement, arrogance and ignorance crammed into such a small space is breathtaking. 

And how raw those 2020 wounds still are in me was a bit shocking. 

With her full chest she boldly declared that not only does she not give a shit about anyone else's health but she's not going to work with you if you did. She's basically saying how fucking dare you as a medical professional put your patients best interests at the forefront. How fucking dare you follow the local laws and regulations to keep your practice safe. How fucking dare you take care of yourself by getting vaccinated. 

(which I'm pretty sure the person she was posing with did get the vaccination but I won't rat her out if she wants to keep that secret)

Over a million people in the US alone died from Covid. Friends and family members of mine did. But I'd like to think I'd be considerate of others even if we hadn't lost people. 

And it's that combination, the personal loss and the belief that I would have been considerate anyway, that combines to make me almost as angry now, four years on, as I was during this time in 2020 when someone would say bullshit like that. 

She doesn't want to give you her respect if you took care of those around you instead of acting like a spoiled, selfish, entitled, arrogant, idiot. 

Oh fuck her. And fuck anyone who still believes all of that.

Over a million deaths in the US alone. Numerous long haulers who are still dealing with lung issues. The virus itself is still out there mutating and infecting, and reinfecting people. And some of them will die. And some of them will get long Covid.

But go on ahead, don't respect anyone who doesn't buy into your version of fuck you, I'm fine. I mean, I certainly don't respect you so I guess it's fair.

Still raw.

Still not healed.
Still angry. 

Books Chapter 6...

Books Chapter Five 

Gloria was waiting for her meeting with her TA. She had completely rewritten her midterm paper after their last conversation, and she was anxious to see what he thought. Not that she held his opinion in any sort of higher regard than anyone else. She just knew if he liked it, it was more likely that her professor would like it and she would get the grade she wanted. She actually believed that her TA was the one grading all of their papers anyway and that the only thing the professor actually did was lectures.

That was the only reason she was anxious to get his opinion. No matter how glinty Ellie was getting about him.

“Hey, sorry I’m late. I got held up in my last one on one.”

“No problem. I’ve just been going over my paper again.”

“Yeah, I read what you sent me. I think your new direction is a good one.”

“That is the way you steered me.”

He laughed, “To be honest I didn’t steer you that way on purpose. I can totally see where you jumped off from the discussion we were having, but this, this is all you. Really original take.”

“Okay. Any suggestions? Other than have someone else proofread it?”

“Ha! Yeah, that was number one. Actually, that was it. I guess we could have handled this over email and saved some of your time.”

“It’s okay, I wanted to go to a reading at 4 so I would have been over here anyway.”

“Oh, who are you hearing? I didn’t know we had anyone scheduled today?”

“It’s not a school sanctioned author visit. It’s a creative writing group I’m part of. Today one of the members is ready to share their work.”

“And what about you? Do you share your work?”

Gloria smiled, “You just read my work.”

“That’s different, that’s not creative writing, your grammar notwithstanding.”

“I have not shared anything. I don’t write for anyone but myself. My best friend, though, she is going to be a major best seller one day.”

“But not you?”

“No. I am going to teach.”

“An English Lit professor?”

“Middle school teacher. English, creative writing, maybe speech and drama if those things are still being funded by the time I have my degree.”

“You know in this state you can just get a teaching certificate to teach middle school, right? You don’t need an advanced English degree for lower grades.”

“You know the university would fire you on the spot if they found out that you were advising undergrads to drop out?”

He laughed, “Fair enough.”

“I’m on a full ride scholarship anyway so the cost isn’t a concern. But thank you.”

“I didn’t mean to sound insulting, I apologize.”

“No, I mean it. Thank you. You are the first person who has heard what I want to do and pointed out that I didn’t need to be here to do that. Nobody else took into consideration how much tuition was versus the cost to get a teaching certificate. I do appreciate that.”

“I find that people don’t always think about the whole picture. I mean, higher education is important for everyone, I really do believe that. I think we should throw open the doors and let everyone in, and not just for career path classes, if you want to take all engineering classes, that’s great, but if it’s interesting to you how about adding in some classes on Haiku in the modern form as well? Just because you can’t make a living with it doesn’t mean it’s not a valid and valued choice.”

Gloria must not have hidden the shock on her face well because he kept going, “Sorry about that. A bit of a rant there. I just have strong opinions about the elitism in higher education and I know that this is not the normal place for hearing about that. So, I’ll just shut up now.”

“No, I think it’s great. I mean, not the elitism, but to hear someone acknowledge it. And I would not have expected it from…” She trailed off.

“Me? And why is that?”

“Well, if you must know it’s your reading material. I mean, I know you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover but it’s hard not to judge a reader by their choice in books.”

“My reading material? You mean a thousand papers by undergrads?”

“No, I mean the brick you haul around everywhere and have for the year and a half I’ve known you.”

“Oh, the tome. I see. Very judgmental on your part, you’re right. I bet you didn’t know how incredibly helpful this book has been to me.”

Gloria spread her hands out palms down, “You are very right. It’s judgmental. And I do have to admit I’ve never actually read the whole book. I couldn’t get past the style to enjoy the substance. Self-indulgent, wandering, look at how smart I am.”

“Exactly. And so long winded. And don’t forget the footnoted footnotes. I mean, it all makes for a perfectly sized book to use as a door stop, a window block, a step stool, a workout tool. It’s an incredibly useful book.”

“Wait…you aren’t reading it? You are using it?”

“I’m using it physically and metaphorically. It’s kind of a long story.”

Gloria looked at her watch, “I’ve got another half hour before I want to leave for the reading, long enough?”

He laughed, “Okay, sure. I’ll tell you the story of the book.”

Books Chapter Seven

Clean It Out!

We are tearing out the carpets on Friday and having them replaced with the LVP that is in the rest of the house.

It's one of those things that we knew we would be doing pretty quickly as soon as we moved in. The carpet they put in is just terrible. It was terrible from day one. Two years on and it's just gross. When we replaced the carpets after 15 years in the townhouse they looked better than these do. (to be fair when we bought the townhouse we did the upgraded carpet option because who wants builder's grade carpet?)

Our neighbors were more on the ball than we were and had it done before they ever moved in. Which, of course, would have been the easier way. I just didn't realize that they were this terrible. And, of course, getting any sort of building materials at the time was a total crap shoot. So even when we decided to replace them right away we were met with a lot of...well...no. 

So anyway, Friday the carpets will be yanked out and hard flooring put in everywhere. 

Which will lead to a little bit of rug shopping. 

And then everything that I am loading into the garage from closets and shelves will be sorted as it's put back and it will be just like moving in all over again. 

So another year or so before it's all done. 

Oh yeah, and we are looking for a new dining room table and possibly a new couch for the media room. Or maybe just finding someone to reupholster the little one we have. 

We gave Katie and the girls the bigger and smaller couches that were in there. The ones we bought for the basement in the old place and then when we moved in here realized were too slouchy for the main room. They were too big, really, for the new media room but the girls thought they would work in their place so they got them. 

We also gave them our dining room table. When we put in the bank of cabinets it made the space a little tighter and Brent really wanted a rectangular table for it. By giving the girls the table we had we started the clock on actually replacing it instead of just talking about replacing it and not liking it. But tables are freaking expensive. So now we are trying to decide if we buy a really nice one from Key Home Furnishings or buy a less nice one from Macy's or Wayfair. 

Fancy problems. 

We're also considering some other options which I won't write about until maybe this weekend, but there are other things on the horizon as well. 

Suffice it to say that August is Augusting. 

And Done..

The Olympics wrapped up yesterday. Did you end up watching any of the events?

I watched all of the US men's and women's soccer matches like I thought I would. Exciting finishes on a lot of the women's games and you cannot argue with the results. It was also nice to watch the women being dominating without the president actively rooting against them for a change. I'd like to keep that change going and never let that guy back in the White House, such a disgrace. 

We watched track and marveled at how freaking fast they all are. Same with swimming. And we watched diving and remembered how much we both really like it. There is just something amazing about those flips and spins and the clean slice into the water. Watching the Chinese athletes take gold in every single category was impressive. 

Women's gymnastics was amazing as always. Gravity defying women. Men's gymnastics provided some fun storylines as well. Still waiting to hear the final results from the Jordan Chiles medal debacle. There is video evidence that the request was submitted on time. So if you are keeping track they messed up in scoring her. Then tried to say she didn't actually win because they were four seconds too late submitting the challenge. And now there is evidence that they were not. Medal won, medal taken away, medal given back, medal taken away... It's not right to treat her or the Romanian gymnasts like this. But at least we got that iconic moment on the medal stand and they can't take that visual away.

Women's rugby, who knew? But they have a really effective spokesperson playing right now and she's generating excitement all on her own. 

US men's and women's basketball both took gold after some nervy performances and close calls. 

I didn't watch the break dancing live, though the clips of the Australian competitor have been unavoidable. On one hand I fell terribly for her. Watching people just savage what you've done is not great. On the other I have to admire her for getting out there and doing the damn thing. Everyone watching from the couch mocking her did not. 

You know where I stand on the women's boxing. I'm glad the two athletes that faced the bigotry won gold. I'm glad that crowds turned out to cheer them on in person to sort of balance out the vitriol they were facing online. I hope that Imane Khelif's lawsuit serves her well and people who spouted violent threats against her reach the find out portion very quickly. 

But aside from the always present scoring controversies and the really nasty misogynistic bullshit the games were fun. 

Everyone I've talked to has mentioned that. That this year in particular it seems like the athletes were having more fun. That they were enjoying each other as competitors and seeing how they could stretch and grow and still have fun. It just seemed lighter.

I'm sure part of it for women's gymnastics was the lifting of the cloud of abuse. Knowing they fought and won and made change not just for themselves but for all of the young women and girls coming up behind them. 

I'm sure part of it for the women's soccer team was the fact that they knew their president had their back. That they wouldn't be going home to find out that people were rejoicing over any mistakes that were made. 

But watching the pictures from medal ceremonies, for some reason NBC didn't want to show them live, we saw a lot of joy and camaraderie. Watching the athletes waiting for scores in the diving competition we got to see the Chinese athletes laughing and joking with the rest of the divers who were competing for silver in some cases and bronze in others as China had gold locked up quickly and often silver as well. But they still all seemed relaxed with each other and just joyful.

That's the best part about sports. There are a lot of bad parts. And when you add in politics it can get just awful, but this time? This time just seemed so much lighter and better. 

I hope that's the way it really was. I hope that's the way it will stay. I hope LA 2028 is able to capture that feeling again. 

And I hope the bigots, bullies and assholes all have socks that won't stay up and underwear that creeps into their cracks in perpetuity. 

Books Chapter 5...

 Books Chapter Four

Gloria and Ellie settled at a table in the back of the coffee shop. “Who was that guy anyway?”

“Someone from my World History class. I cannot for the life of me remember his name, if I ever even knew it. He was trying to make me feel badly about always reading.”

“Seriously? Why is that a bad thing?”

“Who knows. And, get this, he basically bragged about the fact that he isn’t a reader. Like just doesn’t read. Can you even imagine that?”

Gloria looked horrified.

“That was my reaction too! I’m glad you showed up when you did. I would have ended up helping him study for tomorrow’s test and probably agreeing to go out with him as well. I really need to learn how to be a little more…”

“Bitchy? I mean if you want to make it sound better you could say like me, but we will both know you mean bitchy.”

“I don’t think you’re bitchy. You just know how to assert yourself a little better than I seem to. I hear my mother’s voice telling me to be nice.”

“I hear my mother’s voice telling me that the instep is the best place to stomp a foot if a dude gets too close on the bus. You can hear her voice if you need to. Look, it’s not your fault, you were raised to be good by someone who never sees the bad in people. I mean, I appreciate that about your mother, obviously, but it doesn’t help you out when you’re not in her polite world.”

Ellie rolled her eyes, “My mother’s world isn’t all that polite. They just use coded phrases to be awful to each other; ‘oh I see you had the living room painted; I really should have given you the name of our decorator.’ Which means, oh this is ugly as shit, can’t believe you thought this looks good.”

“But politely!”

“Yes, oh so politely. How would your mother handle it?”

“She wouldn’t say anything. Not to your mother’s face. Sometimes the nicest thing is silence. To me on the way home she’d say, ‘well money can’t buy taste.’”

The girls both laughed.

“You know you are the weirdest combination of polite niceness and rude honesty?”

“It’s not rude!”

Gloria raised her eyebrows.

“Okay, sometimes it comes across as rude, but only because people lie too much. You know how much I hate that.”

“I do. I just think it’s sort of funny that you would have been nice to that jerk because your mother wants you to be nice, but you also would have told him exactly what you thought about him if he ever asked.”

Ellie smiled and changed the subject, “So was the meeting with the TA a good one or a bad one?”

“It was good, sorry again about being late, but we got into a discussion that is going to completely change the focus of my paper. He mentioned a favorite quote that made me look at the theme of my work completely differently.”

“This isn’t the first time a meeting with him has run longer than you thought it would…”

“Stop it.”

“Stop what?”

“You have that glint in your eye. He’s the TA. He has meetings with everyone in class. And I’m guessing they all run long. He’s not burned out and dead eyed like a couple of the professors. He actually seems to love what he’s doing. Which, he’s getting his masters in English so he better like teaching, right?”

“So…you know what he’s going to do with his degree. Interesting.”

“Again, stop it. Of course, that’s what he’s going to do with his degree. It’s what you can do with a master’s degree in English. And at night he’ll try writing the great American novel. And eventually he’ll be a dead eyed, burnout professor of Comparative Lit who farms out all of his work to his TA and the cycle will continue.”

“Is that what we are going to end up like? Dead eyed, burned-out professors?”

“Oh hell no. We are going to do things completely differently. We are going to write the next great American novels during the day and work part time in this very coffee shop at night.”

“Grand plans for sure!”

Gloria laughed. “Nah, I mean, I am going to teach. That’s still my plan. And you are going to write that book. And I will teach it in my class. Maybe, I mean if you get all glinty in your writing it might not be appropriate for middle schoolers!”

“All glinty. Yeah, you should for sure be teaching English to middle schoolers.”

“It’s a word. I just used it in a sentence. And that is one of the things I’d like to teach. Not to be too tied to language rules when you are being creative. There is a time and a place for really structured writing, but I just haven’t found it yet.”

“Was that what your TA said?”

Gloria smiled, “He has mentioned that I might want to pay to have someone proof my papers before I turn them in for final grades. Just to catch my unique understanding of grammar rules. But that’s what I’ve got you for!”

“But you never listen to me.”

“I always listen to you. I just argue with you in the moment. But I always make a copy with all of your corrections to turn in. Don’t let it go to your head.”

“Never. I mean, the fact that you make a copy instead of just changing your original keeps me humble.”

“I am what I am.”

“You are. Now back to your TA. When do you see him again? Hmm?”

Gloria rolled her eyes, “Tomorrow in class I would guess. Just like everyone else.”

“And when is your next creative session with him?”

“Okay, look, I know you are just going to keep teasing me about him, so I’ll stop you right now. He carries a copy of Infinite Jest with him everywhere he goes.”

“Oh no.”

“Oh yes. So…”

“No glinty.”

“No glinty.”

Books Chapter Six

Fair...

Just had a multi day discussion with someone on a friend's Facebook post about the complexities of gender. 

One of the things she kept saying was that it wasn't fair. It's not fair. That's not fair. Over and over.

Oh stop it...

When Katie was little and she would say something wasn't fair I would tell her, "The fair is where you ride rides and eat cotton candy, this is not the fair, this is life." 

Because life isn't fair. It's just not. 

And a lot of times when people cry NOT FAIR what they really want is something to have gone their way. Maybe they lost a game. That's not fair! But don't you think the person who won thinks it is? I mean, would it be fair to take that win away from them? 

I can remember once when the oldest daughter of our friends wanted to wrestle with me. But she wanted me to stand on my knees and only use one arm. Because it wouldn't be fair if I didn't. (she was like 5 or 6 at the time) I asked her, why should it be fair? She was the one who wants to wrestle with me. She knew how big I was. She kept saying it wasn't fair. And I told her that trying to make me lose wasn't fair to me. That she could decide to not want to wrestle me, after all it was her idea, but that I wasn't going to cheat to make her feel better. Because that's what it would be. Cheating in her favor. 

She did not appreciate my point of view. 

And then she was really mad at Katie because Katie wouldn't back her up. She thought that adults should let kids win. Katie was raised with the theory that if you are playing games, even with adults, you had to earn the win. 

Life is not fair. Don't make it harder on yourself by picking fights with bigger people.

Now some of you are thinking, wait, isn't this against your whole life and political philosophy? That we need to balance the scales? Feed the hungry, house the homeless? Tax the rich and pay for the social security net? I mean, you are looking for fairness right? 

Well, yes and no. I'm looking for an equal chance at thriving. I'd like basic needs for everyone to be met. I believe we live in a world that has abundant enough resources to take care of everyone. The fact that we have people living rough, people starving, people who have nothing, while at the same time we have billionaires means there is something wrong with the balance. You could call it unfair, and sometimes I do, but what it really is is immoral.

I think we should make sure that the baselines are covered. That there is food on the plate, a roof over head and medical care is available. Then from there you get to choose what more you want. And if you decide that there is never enough, that it's always just more, then I think society gets to say, okay, now we tax you at a very high rate. You don't get to hoard all of the resources while other people starve. That's immoral. 

There are always going to be people with more than other people. There are always going to be people who are motivated by that, by getting ahead. And there are people who are not. There are always going to be people who think they've done something incredible when what they did was get lucky enough to be born to parents with resources. And yeah, you can call that unfair. That unequal starting point. And I'd love to see that gap smoothed out. 

But it's never going to be complete fair if you define fair as everyone is exactly equal. Because we aren't. We all have strengths and weaknesses. We all have areas we excel without even trying and areas we struggle no matter how hard we try. But if you lose a game of one on one basketball to a WNBA player that's not unfair, that's just a bad choice in challenging her. 

And for the love of Pete stop screaming "it's not fair!" when what you really mean is "that didn't go the way I wanted!"

The last line in the book The Princess Bride is "...life isn't fair, it's just fairer than death, that's all." 

I'm not even sure if that's true. After all death is the only time we all end up completely equal, isn't it?

Life's not fair, but death is. Maybe that's what I'll start telling people. I bet it would bring a quicker end conversations where people are screaming about something not being fair. 

Quick Post...

Just finished writing my end of year letters to my G. Nephew and G. Niece. I usually recap the year a bit for them, but this time they got just the past 6 weeks or so. It's just been that bonkers. 

Debate, calls for step down, media frenzy, assassination attempt, giant diaper bandage, actual step down, miracle ear healing, dems in total array, VP speculation, VP pick, more rejoicing and array. 

It's been a lot. 

I also looked at the way I write them differently. 

What I write to my G Nephew and what I write to my G Niece. The differences. 

What I dream and hope for him and his future along with what I dream and hope for hers. 

There is a lot more worry around hers. 

He's a smart kid. Like Katie levels of smart. He's also extraordinarily kind. Like Katie levels of kind. I see the future in him. No matter what. Because of that pronoun. He. Him. His. It's a safer world for him. Even though he's a tenderheart, strong feelings kind of man, he's still a man. And even though he's half white and half Mexican, it's his white that you see first. And right now that's the easy setting on life. I'm hopeful that by the time he's really hitting his stride it won't be as big of an issue. But right now being mixed race is still something that apparently a lot of people have issue with.

She is a force of nature. It seems to be the norm with women in my line. We are the calm before the storm and also the entire storm. She's been described as difficult already. Which I told her made me so proud. Difficult women get shit changed. But the world is lining up against difficult women right now. They are stripping rights and being open and blatant about wanting to turn women into brood mares. Vance said it would be better for children if women would just stay in abusive relationships. 

I worry about the future for her. 

She Her Hers. 

It's a big difference and I wish it wasn't. But right now it is. 

I'm hoping that next year I write a letter to her about how exciting it is to have a female president. Who is also a woman of color. The power that she holds and the power that my G Niece can see reflected as a choice for her as well. Representation matters. Fighting for the next generation and the one after that and the one after that matters. 

The letters I write to them are different. The fears and the worries I have for them are different. I wish they weren't, but they are. 

Books Chapter 4....

 Books Chapter Three

“You read too much.”

“Excuse me?” Ellie put her book down and looked up at the person interrupting her study time.

“You read too much. You’re always reading.”

Ellie tried to remember the name of the boy talking to her. She knew he was in World History with her, but there were 85 students in that class, so she didn’t know most of their names. She felt like just recognizing someone was pretty good.

“I don’t think I’m always reading.” Ellie wished she was always reading. She liked reading more than talking to most of the people at this school. She had thought college would be more about interesting discussions with academically focused peers, instead it was just like high school with easier access to alcohol.

“You are. Like right now, head buried in a book.”

“Well, we are in a library, so that doesn’t seem like all that shocking of a thing.”

“How about in the cafeteria or on the Quad? Every time I see you are reading.”

“Are you following me around campus?” Ellie was still trying to remember what this boy’s name was and now she was finding out he was her own personal stalker.

“No, I’m not following you, I just happen to see you places. We have a similar schedule you know. And it even happens in Mr. Freed’s class as well. He’s lecturing and you’ve got a book open.”

“Yeah, my notebook following his lecture outline.”

“What lecture outline?”

“In the syllabus? Every lecture he gives he has notes in the syllabus to follow.”

“Oh, no wonder it was so thick.”

“You didn’t read the syllabus?”

“I never read the syllabus. Why would you? The syllabus just tells you what is going to happen in class, and I’m going to be in class so I will find out then.”

“So, you have no idea what the required reading is?”

“There isn’t really required reading. He’s going to lecture on the same material so why read it ahead of time? I’m not a big reader, I’m not going to do extra work.”

“What about when to expect tests or quizzes or when projects are due? Nothing?” The thought of not reading and marking out important notes from a syllabus was almost horrifying to her. Actually, not even almost.

“Nah, I mean the instructors usually tell you if there is a test the next class, or someone who sits near you will remind you, right?”

“I guess so, maybe, but what if they don’t and you aren’t prepared?”

“Then I’m not prepared, and I’ll have to get extra credit later.”

“Mr. Freed doesn’t give extra credit.”

“Every instructor gives extra credit.”

“He doesn’t. It’s like the second thing he mentions in the syllabus.”

He shrugged his shoulders, “We will see. And worst case if I need to, I’ll just pick up the credit in summer session. Those classes are always easier anyway.”

“Not always. I took statistics last summer and it was extremely hard, it was so much information to take in on a shortened schedule I was glad it was the only class I had.”

“Well how about that, even with your head in a book all the time you had to retake statistics!”

“Oh, I didn’t retake it, that was the first time.”

“You voluntarily took a summer session class that you didn’t need to?”

Ellie shook her head, “No, I needed the class. I just took it when it fit my schedule. I couldn’t fit it in my schedule last Spring, and I didn’t want to take it this Fall because I have a tight schedule and trying to find the right classes at the right time is hard enough.”

“So did you have any fun last summer or was it all statistics and books?”

“Why would you assume that wasn’t fun?”

“Because it’s school and books?”

“I have a feeling you and I have a very different idea of fun.”

“Only one way to find out.” He gave her what Ellie assumed he thought was his most charming smile.

She thought, “Oh god, no, don’t do that. I am not flirting with you. This is not an invitation to hang out or go out or even talk more. Please don’t do it...”

“So how about it?”

“How about what?”

“How about we see if we agree on fun? Want to grab some pizza and see a movie tonight?”

“We have a test tomorrow in World History. That’s what I’m studying right now.”

“Oh, wow! See? I was right, someone will always tell you.” And with that he sat down at her table, “So what do we need to know?”

“We need to know that you weren’t invited to sit down, and we need to know that you are sitting in my space.” Gloria dropped her book bag on the table, “Sorry, I’m late. I got held up talking about my paper with the TA for Comparative Lit.”

“Um, excuse me? This table is full.”

Gloria smiled, “It is, like I said, you’re in my spot.”

Ellie started to pack up her bag, “You know what? Let’s just go grab a coffee.”

“That sounds great, and you can tell me what I should know for the test tomorrow.”

“Not you. Her. You can stay here and study. I have a feeling you need it.”

“Nah, it’ll be fine. I’ll just tag along with you two.”

“Look, buddy, read the room, you aren’t invited. She’s actually trying to gracefully get away from you without feeling like she has to be a jerk. Because she hates being a jerk. I, on the other hand, don’t have that problem so back off.”

Ellie started to laugh; she couldn’t help it.

Gloria gave her a puzzled look.

“He’s not a big reader. You told him to read the room, but he’s not a big reader.”

“Okay, yeah, time for a study break. Let’s go.” Gloria picked up their bookbags and started to usher her giggling friend out of the library. And one more time just to make sure he got the message, “Not you. You stay here.”

“So, I’ll see you in class?”

Ellie started to laugh again, “Not a big reader.”

Books Chapter Five

When Will They Come for You?

Before the Olympics started there were so many warnings from different agencies that Russia was going to work to disrupt them. There were heightened security measures. There were warnings about disinformation campaigns. And everyone said, "Okay, we're prepared!"

And Russia laughed in transphobia and released a rumor and a false accusation and the world took the bait. 

She's not trans. All of the stories you've heard about what she is or isn't aren't based on facts either. All you know about her is that she's a woman. Born a woman. Raised as a woman. Trained as a woman. She's a woman. From a country where being trans is illegal. For the boys are born with penises and women with vaginas crowd this should have been an easy one. But alas it's never been about that. 

Patriarchy hurts men as much as women. It is a system of submission. It's a power dynamic that helps to support a small group of men, MANLY men, over everyone else. If you are a man who does not fit that mold you are punished by patriarchy as much as women are. 

Transphobia is the same. It's not about trans people. Or let's face it, as always, trans women. It's about keeping everyone in a box. Female athletes have faced trans panic for as long as there have been female athletics. Martina Navratilova, who is right now pushing a false trans accusation again Imane Khelif, was accused of being a man during her playing days. You would think she would know better. But alas, when you get started hating people it's hard to think clearly.

All women who are good at sports get it. When the bullshit around Lia Thomas was happening they took a picture and spread it around the internet showing how unfair it was that she was swimming against "real" women. Look how broad her shoulders are, how much longer her arms and legs are, how narrow her hips. Of course the problem was the picture they used was Katie Ledecky. Though now that Katie is once again demolishing her competition the cries of "She's a man!" have started. 

And as bad as it is for white women it's exponentially worse for women of color. Serena Williams has given birth and they still hound her. And honestly, you don't even have to be good at sports if you are woman of color, just look the Basket Full of Deplorables calling Michelle Obama a man for the past 16 years. 

If you don't fit into that petite little white box you must be wrong. 

Transphobia hurts everyone. 

These are the accusations that are going to keep happening as the world lets trans panic take hold. You lose a game? Accuse their star player of being male. If there is an invasive and frankly predatory genital check and whoops all vagina it doesn't matter, there is probably still too much testosterone and then she's actually a he.

Which is totally validating to trans men. If a blood test showing your testosterone level is in a certain range is all it takes to show you are a man then you have to admit that trans men are men. And if that's true then the opposite must be as well. Testosterone is lower and estrogen is higher then you are a woman and that's that. 

But no, it's never that's that. 

Hate doesn't like to follow logic.

And hate isn't easily contained. Once they start they don't like to stop. And eventually it will come to your door. 

Don't take the bait next time. Don't insert yourself into discussions where you don't actually know anything. And start with the position that if you are not that person you don't know anything. 

And just as a little reminder, you know someone who has taken testosterone blockers because their testosterone was not inline with normal readings. 

You think I'm talking about someone else? 

No, it's me. I'm talking about me. 

Keep it in mind. 

Leo Season...

One of the first things I thought this morning was that it was fitting that I am ending my no Facebook posting on August 1 since it's Cinnamon's birthday and I can wish her a happy one easily this way. You know how Leo's love to be shown love after all...

Cinnamon was the first person to say such a thing to me. We became friends through the theater program in high school. She asked when my birthday was one day and when I told her she said, "I KNEW you were a Leo." Apparently I was just so Leo it was obvious. 

I tossed my hair, snapped my fingers to gather my entourage and told her, I don't think so...

I'm kidding. I might have tossed my hair, only because it tends to cover my eyes, but I didn't have an entourage. And would never snap my fingers at one if I did. And I asked her why I was so Leo.

I obviously knew what sign I was. I think most people do. There were these machines at the car wash that you could get a monthly horoscope scroll. I loved those. The scroll as much as anything else. I just liked the idea that it was a scroll. And I had no doubt that it was true because the church harped on how it was demonic. 

Seriously.

If the church had said from the start, look astrology is bunk. There is no way that everyone born within the same month is going to have the same personality traits let alone the same sort of day. If they had pointed out that if you took the names and dates off of each sign and handed them out randomly people could find traits that matched theirs. That vaguary is purposeful. It's nonsense. If they had said that, I would have said, yup nonsense. Fun to play with, but it doesn't really matter. Just a joke. 

Instead they said, HEY THIS IS DANGEROUS STUFF! And so I thought, well clearly it is true and means something.

They did the same with Ouija boards and random other witchcraft and spiritualism type things. You will never find someone who believes in magic as much as an Evangelical. Because from birth you are taught to stay away from such things. So clearly they are real and they are powerful. 

Odd right? Wouldn't you want to give it all less weight? Make it all seem silly, or con artist type stuff? 

Or do you need evil if you are pushing good? 

Ironically, one of the other things Cinnamon told me (a few years later after we had become in each other's pockets friends) was that one of the things she liked about me was that I took her being a wiccan seriously. I never made fun of the idea. If she said she was wiccan, she was wiccan. Again, the church had taught me that it was a real thing so of course I didn't doubt her when she said she practiced. If I had been told that it was nonsense, I would have treated her with less respect. So even though the outcome they wanted was me to pray for her and tell her that she was dabbling in demonic portals, the treat it with respect is actually what stuck.

I have a lot of friends who are wiccan or who dabble in what are essentially wiccan practices. Oddly enough, even some who would tell you that they are Christians, but you know, that crystal can't hurt right? 

It's just interesting to me that I think the strongest believers in astrology, witchcraft, satanism and all around evil are only that way because the church told them to be. While also telling them to avoid it all at all costs. 

I mean, don't go eating that chocolate cake. It's the richest, moistest, most decadent cake you'll ever have, but don't eat it! 

Okay. 

Or maybe it's just me. Being a rebel is just so Leo...