Sentimental Fool...

She sat in the back of her tent running her fingers over the locket. She was watching the shadows move trying to decide if it was close enough to sunset to pack up. She had been in this location for two days now and three was a bad idea. If you set up someplace for too long there were those who assumed that meant you had so much stuff it wasn't easy to pack it all. Which made you a target. 

Never make yourself a target.

She wanted to be ready to move as soon as the temperature dropped. Or right before. There were those that would risk the extra time as the sun was setting, knowing they could get the drop on those that hadn't started to move, that hadn't been ready for an attack during daylight. There used to be more daytime raids but now it was just too hot while the sun was up to risk being outside. You might be able to raid a camp, but if they held you off and kept you out in the sun you were toast. So to speak. 

It was a balancing act. Move as soon as you could, but not too early. Be ready for an attack but don't waste too much energy and time looking for one that might not come. Sleep during the day but not too deeply. Move at night but carefully. Don't draw attention to yourself. Don't make yourself a target. This wasn't a world for soft things anymore. 

She ran her finger over the back of the locket one more time before tucking it away. At one point there had been a name engraved there but over the years her finger had worn it smooth. That was fine. There was no need for names anymore. There weren't enough people left to need them. There was just you and everyone else. 

She used to open the locket and touch the photo inside. But the grit in the air and the grime on her fingers started to erase the photo. To protect it she had closed the two hearts into one and stopped opening it at all. That was fine. She had looked at it so often all she had to do was close her eyes to recall every detail. The slight turn of the head, the crooked grin, the smile in the eyes. She didn't need to open the locket to see the picture. 

She shook off her sleeping bag. The layer of grit that settled on it during the day was impressive. She tried not to think about how much of that was in her lungs now. She knew that even through the layers of protection on her face there was a constant seeping of grit in every breath she took. There was dirt in her nose. Dirt in her mouth. Dirt in her eyes and in her ears. Eventually she would be buried alive from the inside out. 

But not today. Today she was still alive and ready to move.

Her hand automatically reached for the locket again. It had turned into a talisman. A worry stone. A reminder to keep moving. It was hard to remember a time when there were things like lockets and earrings and bracelets and brightly colored clothes and shoes, impractical things that you had just because they were beautiful. There were people who made a living just making beautiful things. And people would buy them and fill their houses with them. And they all thought those things were so important. 

Those that learned quickly about what was really valuable were the ones that were still alive. Good strong shoes. Layers of clothing that could keep you warm while you moved at night, but could be shed during the day to try and cool off. Anything that could block the grit. Goggles were best but sunglasses were better than nothing. A tent that you could seal. A strong back pack. And a strong back. 

Camping stores were looted early. Doomsday preppers were next. Nothing made you a bigger target in the beginning than your neighbors knowing you had a cellar full of food and supplies. Those guns you thought would save you? Good luck keeping the grit out of them. There were as likely to explode in your hand as they were to actually shoot the bullet at someone. It was like the Dirty Harry movie she remembered. Do you feel lucky? If you were hungry enough you took the chance. The grit evened the playing field. The preppers who had made sealed basements to protect from nuclear fall out thought they would be safe. But once their generators filled with grit and stopped working their underground bunkers turned into ovens. It was come out or cook to death. And as soon as they opened the door to come out they found there were people waiting for them. 

Or maybe not for them, but for their supplies. 

Never make yourself a target. 

The shadows lengthened and she decided it was time to go. She put on the welder's helmet she preferred to wear during the last moments of sunlight and struck her tent tent quickly. She loaded the last of her supplies into her back pack and took a look around before leaving. No footprints. Nobody had been sneaking around. Or at least nobody had gotten close enough for danger. That was a good sign. 

She scanned the horizon looking for signs of life. If she could find another campsite tonight that would be good. She was running low on a few items.

It was easier to find things at the beginning. Stores weren't completely picked over, or buried in grit. There were things left behind in houses that could be put to use. Curtains and bedsheets usually. The water in the toilet tank was sometimes still there. One glorious time a large ice chest full of water. Apparently it had been full of ice and beer. Judging from the bottles scattered around the living room and the state of his body she had guessed he had drunk all of the beer and then hadn't been able to protect himself from what came next. But it was just a guess. She had come later and seen the carnage. Bad day for him, good luck for her. 

She had made that water last, filling those empty beer bottles and capping them with wax plugs from some candles she had found. Then she had used one of the bottles as a weapon to protect the rest from someone else. She had been careless and taken a drink in the open. She had made herself a target. 

Never make yourself a target.

Survival was a trick. A game. Everyone had to play differently. Those that could protect themselves did. Those that couldn't, needed to learn how to move fast and light. To stay out of sight as much as possible and to move when it was time to move. Even those that would fight needed to learn when not to. When the numbers weren't in your favor. Or the size disadvantage was too great. You became a quick judge of character or you died. 

And sometimes you died in horrific ways. Worse than suffocating from the grit filling your lungs. Worse than starving to death slowly. Worse than the delirium that could overtake you in a matter of moments in the the midday heat. Worse than hoping the gun you found would work for just one more shot. 

You could die because you hadn't yet learned that no thing was worth your life. You could die because you didn't understand that survival was all that mattered. Travel light, travel fast, never make yourself a target.

You could die clutching a heart shaped locket that meant so much to you that you went back for it when you should have run fast and far. 

There was no place for soft things in this world. Not anymore. 

Post Vaccinated Life...

This weekend was pretty darn close to a typical "before times" weekend for us. We went to a comedy show on Friday night, got our hair cut Saturday morning and a Timbers' match Saturday night, grabbed breakfast out this morning then went by the grocery store to pick up a few things before heading home to relax in our cool house before the heat wave hits.

I wasn't sure how I would feel going back out in the world after 14-15 months of really limited contact. Would it seem really weird or would the fact that I've had over 50 years of the other world just override the last year or so? The answer is...yes.

Mostly it was pretty normal. But there was the mix of we are still in a pandemic even though we are on the trailing edge of it instead of the middle. Or at least it seems like the trailing edge. We will see what happens as those that aren't vaccinated get exposed to the new variants out there and they continue to mutate. But for now, it seems like we are almost done. 

So, anyway...there was a mix of before times and Covid times and new times out there. At the club you wore masks anytime you weren't seated at your table, but if you were at your table masks off was fine, unless you were talking with your server then masks back on. So on, off, on, off, but mostly off. Haircuts we have gotten really used to the mask protocol there. Though I am looking forward to getting my hair cut and colored without the mask on. Mostly because I wear my hair in a style that is shaped to my jaw line. Hard to see exactly what I've got going on until the mask comes off. 

The game was maskless for the most part. There were some people there still wearing theirs, and I had debated if I would wear mine or not, but it was HOT last night and to get in the park you had to show proof of vaccination, and it's mostly outside so I never even put mine on. I figured that there were some unvaccinated people there who used bogus cards to come in, but that the most part would be people who were vaccinated. The odds of getting a breakthrough case was small. So no mask, which made it seem pretty normal. Not quite as crowded, the food was all isolated instead of being tossed to you at your seat, but other than that pretty normal. 

Restaurant and grocery store were the same as they have been. Masks on unless you are eating or drinking at the restaurant and always masked at the store. Crowds are starting to come back so you aren't alone most of the time but not as crowded as before so you aren't shoulder to shoulder with people either. 

Parts felt really normal and before times like. Parts did not. 

Like the cough. 

Part way through Tom Papa's set someone in the audience coughed. Not a little dry patch, tickle cough but are really full throated phlegmy thing. The audience went silent. Like everyone just went still. Tom Papa got a horrified look on his face and said, "Well that cough was disconcerting." and he lost his rhythm for a moment while we all sat there thinking...AAAAHHH!!! and then he got back in the flow and kept going. But it was an odd moment. And one that I wonder how long it will take to get back to just mild "oh great, now I'm going to get sick" annoyance over "WHY ARE YOU OUT IN PUBLIC WITH A PHLEGMY COUGH??!??"

Brent will probably be back in the office by August and we were talking about that being when all of us will start getting colds again. Over a year with no cold has been really nice. But being around people again, and without masks, the colds are coming. Will we (we being Americans) actually start to stay home when we are sick instead of going out and infecting everyone else? Or will we put on our masks when we do feel a little under the weather and go out? Will there be a sea change in how we act? I'm just not sure. 

The Timbers' match would lead me to believe that things are going to get back to the before times normal pretty quickly, as soon as we reach 70% vaccinated in Oregon all of our restrictions are lifted. And we are close to that right now. But that cough...well that makes me think that maybe we aren't really ready yet to just dive back in. That there is a part of us that will always be a little different. I'm just not sure how it will break. 

For me? I'd love to see some of the changes stick. I've really liked having a bigger personal space bubble without having to keep subtly moving away from people. I've liked having assigned seating places, and timed entries. I've really liked having Brent work from home. It's so much easier to plan meal times around a 2 minute commute than a maybe 20 maybe 45 and maybe off at 5 or 5:30 possibly 6 if the meeting runs late...

I know that piece is going away no matter how nice it was. Boo. But maybe a few of the other things will stick? Though I'm afraid that the only places we will see permanent change are in the areas that save companies money. If they discovered they could save a few bucks during the slow down they aren't going to want to give up those savings now. 

It will be an interesting transition for sure. 

On to the new normal...

Juneteenth...

Federal holiday.

Wow.

Just last year A LOT of people heard of Juneteenth for the very first time. This year it was officially made a Federal Holiday. 

I'm hopeful that that means we are taking steps toward more important measures. Or wait, more important makes it sound like Juneteenth isn't important. It is. I grew up with friends who celebrated Juneteenth instead of or along with July 4th. It was a more for all Americans Independence Day. Because let's face it celebrating freedom is harder if you know your ancestors weren't actually free on that date but were still enslaved and would be for generations still.

So, yes, Juneteenth is important. And it would be really great if people took time to actually learn about the date. And the fact that it took troops to enforce emancipation, not just the war but after as well. But what would be really really great is if we took the time to reflect on what we still need to do.

Learning about our entire history is important.

 
Learning about the ramifications of that history is critical.

Actually acting on the information is imperative to our country's general well being. 

Instead we have states trying to make sure our complete history isn't taught. 

We have people trying to make the discussion about how we have traditionally treated people of different colors differently the problem.

Not the fact that it's been done, the talking about it. The whole it's too divisive to talk about our divisions! 

It's frustrating to see the same arguments and justifications used over and over again. 

On my "on this day" feed from seven years ago I had posted about how it shouldn't even be a discussion on changing the Washington Football team's name. A slur is a slur is a slur. And there were those who tried to "Well actually" me about the name. And those that said it would never be changed. Well...it finally has been. It took a lot. It took last year and the racial justice movement that came out of the murder of George Floyd and people finally paying attention to what their eyes were showing them. But at least it happened. But it's still frustrating to see that people fought it for so long. And still are fighting it. 

Oh it's just too much political correctness.
Oh it's just cancel culture run wild.
Oh it's just so racist to talk about racism.
Oh it's racist to advocate for racial justice.
Oh you want to be special instead of equal.

Where is my parade?
Where are my reparations?

We've heard it all. 

So, yes, I'm really glad Juneteenth is a Federal Holiday now. I'm hopeful that all of the states adopt it as well. I can remember how long it took to get everyone on the MLK Day train. And I do know there are places in the south that have uglied it up with Confederate bullshit. So...

Yeah. 

Progress is always good. And I do understand that forward movement is really important. And symbolic gestures are great if the symbolism is backed by action. 

So.

Happy Juneteenth everyone! I hope the year ahead is filled with forward progress. I hope you honor the history of our country by learning all of it. And the lessons therein. And how we can take that knowledge and those lessons and continue to work toward that more perfect union. 

Let freedom ring. For all of us. 

Writing...

I sat down to write today but opened the wrong program.

I'm working on something else that isn't for publication just yet but opened this by accident instead of that file. 

I could close this down and open that to write (and I might) but figured it was probably a good sign that I need to put up a few more blogs here this month. I've been slacking after all.

Figured I'd check in with you on my less news is best news program and how that's going. 

It's hard. 

I mean the not watching news on TV has been pretty easy. It's just a case of not turning it on. I've decided I will probably pick back up The Story, which is a local news program that does news from a slightly different angle. Usually focuses on one or two important local things a week. Answers questions from viewers, interviews local figures. It used to be one of the best online communities out there, no trolls, but then...well...we can't have nice things online so that stopped. 

As far as my social media feeds go I've dropped all of the politicians (local and national), the news organizations and the talking heads. I still have a couple of people that are news related. Jessica Yellin and Heather Cox Richardson and A Starting Point. I don't feel like any of those give me skewed just to get me mad posts. Though they still sometimes do. Jessica Yellin does News not Noise and is good about breaking down what is actually important in stories. Heather Cox Richardson does historical/current perspective so I learn as much about the past as I do the current situation. And A Starting Point gives multiple sides to discussions but without the CROSSFIRE! arguing nonsense. Though I have been skimming Yellin and A Starting Point instead of reading in depth. Still trying to keep the volume turned down.

But it's hard to avoid everything because I have a pretty politically active group of friends as well. So they are posting. And I found myself reading their linked articles. I need to slap my hand away from them. I mean, I read one that tried really hard to put the blame on how the pandemic was handled last summer on Biden...because....reasons? So yeah, I need to either hide those friends for now or just remind myself not to look. 

I'm not sure if I've noticed a difference in how I view the world just yet. I mean it's only been a few days. And like I said it's not like I'm walking around in a news and opinion free zone. And there is a good chance that my view of the world is just pretty well set at this point. I mean, I'm 52, I'm not sure how much I'm going to change. But then again, the past few years have changed me quite a bit so maybe? But I'm 52. So maybe not. 

And on that note I've started to come to the conclusion, or maybe not started, just firming up a bit more, that I am never going to feel the same way about some people as I did before. The whole "I don't unfriend over political views" or "If we all thought the same way it would be boring" or "I am able to be friends with people with a wide variety of views" is still more often than not sanctimonious bullshit. It really is. It's a way of saying, "I'm better than you" without saying it flat out. But those who can stay friends with someone who has shown you a really dark side of themselves isn't a virtue. At least not to me. It means your moral center is a little off its mark. I can be polite, I can be professional, I can have adult interactions when I have to, but I wouldn't call myself a friend. There have been people who are gone from my life. There are people who I am socially entangled with so deeply that walking away would make it awkward for someone else so they stay, but hidden. But they aren't friends. 

And there are people who I love the idea of them. I love the past we had. I love the memories I have, and to save those I need to not interact with them anymore. Their current self is fucking up my memories of their past self. The one I only knew the top layer of. Because that top layer is fun and great and joyful. But damn if I had known that right under the surface instead of a wonderful living human being it was a smelly tarry mess stuffed into a flesh suit I would have walked away then with no regrets. 

And I'm sure there will be more that will be walked away from in the future. I mean that's sort of the point of this experiment right? I'm trying to see the good in the world more (which is honestly pretty much my baseline, it goes with the happy at the core thing) and if you are fucking that up for me then you are going to have to go. I just don't have space in my life for people who are cruel. People who still preach the prettied up but basically put grandma on an iceberg float line for fighting Covid. People who see the PEOPLE living on the street as the problem instead of the SYSTEM that put them there as the issue. People who punch down. Who think that the only way to feel good about themselves is to have someone to feel bad about. Who think that rights and opportunity are part of a zero sum game. Those people, as they show themselves, will be moved behind a door and the door closed. 

I want differences of opinion in my life. I want a variety of ideas on how to make the world work. I want to see things I disagree with. I want to see things that challenge me. I want to see things that make me think. Things that make me strive. Things that make me change my mind. But that is different than things that break my heart. That try to infuse my soul with a little bit of that stinking sticky tar. That try to convince me that my problems are caused by someone who has it worse than I do. 

So I keep looking at what I'm going to change. What I'm going to drop. What I'm going to add. What I need to shift my focus on. 

I mean, I'm 52 years old. I know who I am. I know what I want out of life. I have no time for smelly, sticky tar souls. And I have no fucks left to give for people who try to tell me I should. 

Paths Not Followed...

One of those "On this Day" inspired posts...

Facebook reminded me of the last time I updated my resume. It was ten years ago. I was trying to fit 20 years of work experience on to two pages and it was a struggle. I wanted to make sure that the work I had done in advertising was featured but I also wanted to make sure my start in restaurants was shown. I needed both of those things to get the glow up.

It was amusing and frustrating at the same time. But I was actually excited about the opportunity that had presented itself and was already looking forward to the job. 

That I ended up not getting. 

As you all know considering I've been retired for a long time at this point. 

So what happened?

Well, a friend of mine reached out to me about a position they thought I would be perfect for. I would have been working for her, and that was what hooked me. She is great. She always impressed me with her intelligence and way of handling herself as well as just flat out knowing her shit. Working for her, doing a job that really seemed tailor made for my skill set seemed like a great idea. C was in college and Brent and I had the freedom for my travel schedule to be as crazy as this position would demand. 

My friend put me in contact with the hiring manager for KFCC to get everything squared away and that's where it all started to fall apart. 

My career was mostly with smaller companies. Once I stopped working in restaurants and retail companies I worked for single owners and non-profits. The non-profits had boards and challenges around that, but nowhere near the differences that happen when you switch from a small company to a big corporation. Things like human resource departments and hiring managers. 

My friend couldn't just hire me. She could strongly encourage me to apply, and put her preference in for hiring, but couldn't say, you have the job let's do the paperwork and move on. 

So I had to apply online. And submit a resume. And then get a special exception for an interview because I didn't fit the criteria. Even having years of relevant experience, I wouldn't have made the first cut without that waiver. I don't have a bachelor's degree. I didn't go to school to learn advertising. I went to school to get an associates degree in accounting so I could get a job in California where an associates was the entry gate. But without that four year degree I would have been turned away. 

I wasn't too worried. I mean, I had been approached to take this job by someone who knew full well how good I was, I know it sounds super cocky, but I was good at my job, own what you are good at. I got the waiver and the first phone interview was scheduled. Not with the person that would be my boss, but with the hiring manager. 

Now, as fate would have it, and fate is a right bastard at times, the phone interview was done in a hotel room in New Mexico the day before my father's funeral. I could have rescheduled it but I knew they wanted to get the hiring done quickly and, honestly, part of the job is the ability to put your own personal shit to the side and take care of things. What better example than this?

About five minutes into the interview I knew I wasn't getting the job if she was the main say. At the time I thought she resented the fact that I was even interviewing. The criteria had been set, most likely by her and her team and well written hiring manual, and I didn't meet it. I wasn't part of the pool of applicants that had been loving sorted and culled. I had jumped to the front of the line without even having shown an interest in anything else. 

One of the things she said was that there were other things that might "fit my qualifications" within the company and I should look at the hiring website to explore those. My response was that if I was going to come to the company it was to work in this department for this specific person so thank you, but no. She also let me know that one of my answers seemed a little manipulative. Well...yeah. 

The question was if you were dealing with a group of franchisees who were not giving you buy in on something that needed to happen how would you handle it? Well, having been in that position a few times I gave her the truth. I would ask questions of them as to why they weren't buying in, see if that changed my mind about the need and if it didn't I would keep questioning them and listening to answers and changing my pitch each time until we reached the point where they agreed on the buy in and believed it was their idea in the first place. 

Yes, it's manipulative. But that's the job. Though I prefer to call it finding common ground and making sure everyone is comfortable with the decisions. If you think it was your idea, you tend to be very comfortable.

But you know those job interviews that go badly from the start and you just can't wait to get them over with? Add mourning the sudden death of your father to that mix and you have this one. By the end it was just unpleasant. 

I'm good at what I do. I only want to work for this one person. If there is still interest please let me know. No I have no further questions, thanks. 

The next day they announced their new hire. Who they had already moved into position to start the week before. 

They had already decided and made the hire before they even did my courtesy interview. I was livid. How fucking rude. And no wonder she was so dismissive and off putting. It was a complete waste of time for her as well. She had already decided and they had already made the hire. Talking to me was a half hour out of her day she didn't have to give. And it behooved her to make sure the interview was unpleasant so she could, with a clear conscious, say that I was not a good fit. Talk about manipulative.

A few months later the woman I had wanted to work for in the first place left for an opportunity with a franchisee group that was great for her. I just had to shake my head at how things work out. I would have been back to work for a big company, busy, traveling a few times a month, dealing with the stress of franchise groups and doing it without the main reason I went back in the first place. It wouldn't have been what I signed up for at all.

So all's well that ends well. 

But man it pissed me the fuck off for a long time. 

What a waste of my time. During a time that I didn't need the extra bullshit. 

But here is the good part. The silver lining. It just reinforced that I didn't want to go back to work like that. To deal with the bullshit of a big company. The politics and petty maneuvering that goes on in the background. There are a lot of great things about working with large companies and diverse groups, the people you get to see and the things you get to learn, the places you have the opportunity to go. But there are also big deterrents, the people, the things you learn about them, the constant travel from hotel conference room to hotel conference room...that moment when you realize you have a favorite and a least favorite airport and the barista in Minneapolis knows you...

But I wonder sometimes what would have happened if things had worked out differently and I had gotten that job. Would I have stayed? Would I have followed my friend to her new job and then back again when she came back to the mothership? Would I have just reignited the burnout that I had felt a few years before when I left advertising the first, and the second times? Would I have left KFCC to pursue a job with W+K when they got the KFCC account? Checked that Portlandia box?

It's impossible to know for sure, but what I do know is that I like the way my life turned out in those ten years without working for KFCC. I like that we traveled more, spent more time together, had the freedom that my lack of schedule provided. It all worked out in the end. 

But I still had to smile when I heard from another friend that the person they hired instead of me was not great and they wished I would have come back instead. See, they thought the only possible way I didn't get the job was that I had turned it down. Because I was just that good at what I did. 

Their loss. 

My gain. 

Still a little bitter. (insert wry face here)

Maybe Another June Goal?

No, definitely not. I don't really want to.

Well, maybe. I mean...challenge is right there in the name.

Nope. Not even something I was considering.

But they added a magnet...

You make a good point. 

So iFit does these monthly challenges to go with their work out videos on the treadmill. (They also do it for bikes and elliptical and through their app but I digress) When you complete them you get a big CONGRATULATIONS on the screen and then, then they send you a magnet! 

What? You don't think a magnet deserves an exclamation mark? Wow...I mean...maybe you aren't getting the whole vibe of it. It's a MAGNET. An adorable little magnet with the name of the challenge you completed. Yes, I have a row of those magnets now. And when there was a glitch in their system so I didn't get the magnet for a base challenge but did get the magnet for their bonus section that only opened up if you completed the base challenge so of-fucking-course I should have gotten both I was a little put out. Just a little. Like it still bugs me to see the bonus magnet there without the base one...but I know I did the first part. And THEY know it too...

But anyway...

For the summer they have a new series of challenges out for June, July and August that instead of finishing in the month they are in, like normal, as long as you finish them all by August you get credit. And the magnet. Which is nice and all. I mean people are busy during the summer. And active outside. You don't need the treadmill as much if you are able to get out and grab a hike right? But still, having the summer ones is great. And for me I do both. My treadmill portion of workouts isn't the same as grabbing a hike or a walk outside for fun. So it works. 

Summer challenge series is on. Though, funny enough, the first hike/walk in the series was filmed in the Fall so not really a summer challenge. But the second one was a walk through a nature preserve in Africa, so you can totally pretend it's super hot for that one. And it worked because our heater kicked on in the middle so it was like being somewhere with summer temperatures.  

They also have a ton of series that don't have rewards tied to them. They are just grouped by theme. Like walking around the world, where each walk is in a different spot on the globe. Or at Christmas I did a Christmas Markets of Germany one that was really fun and festive. And I've mentioned the Ted Talks ones that I often do as my cool down walk after lifting days. They also do live runs and things for the social joiners of the world, yeah, not me but, they are there for others who enjoy that sort of weird shit. 

They've been pushing their newest thing lately, it's a hike to the base camp at Mt. Everest. Now, "hiking" on the treadmill is a bitch. It automatically adjusts with the program and goes up to a 15% incline. Which is pretty steep when you are on a treadmill. Or at least it feels that way to me. And climbing Mt. Everest has never really been an interest to me. I'm not a hiker for the climb. I like views, and forests, and chances of seeing cool wildlife, but climbing just to say I've climbed isn't a goal. So doing a virtual climb isn't one for me. 

But then...

They made it a challenge instead of just a series. 

A challenge that has to be done by June 30th. 

And they just sent it out to me this past weekend so a week of June is already gone. 

And it's 18 sections.

And each section is over 30 minutes.

And I don't like to climb.

But there is a magnet involved. 

So...

If I do two back to back on my cardio days I could do just one on one of my lifting days replacing my 15 minute cool down walk so it would only be adding another 15 minutes to that day. And the back to back on cardio days would be a challenge for sure, but totally doable because those have been short days anyway. 

And did I mention the magnet?

And because the summer challenge series just has to be done by the end of August to count I'm not even really risking not getting that series done and missing that magnet. 

I mean, it's a magnet. It's really just a fancy gold star, how am I supposed to turn that down?

Even though I don't really like to virtual hike so why am I doing it again? 

Oh right, the magnet.

Why am I like this again?

Honestly...

You Can Never Go Home Again...

Okay, so maybe that's not true. But we may never go home again is pretty accurate. Or we will most likely never go home again except to attend more funerals. Which is just really fucking cheery to think but, honestly, probably true. 

So yeah, the trip home last weekend. 

It was a whirlwind trip. We flew in and flew out basically. It was interesting to view in a semi-detached way for sure. The last time we flew was a year ago. A few days after Ann died. At the very beginning of the pandemic. It was really uncomfortable. But that was a mix of the pandemic and being in shock. I mean flying home after Dad died was surreal and there was no pandemic. In fact in a way it was even weirder because nobody else seemed to understand that Dad was dead. They were just going on about their lives like nothing catastrophic had happened. At least when Ann died everyone was acting differently. More careful. More subdued. It seemed a bit like the world was in mourning with us. 

The airport at that time was pretty empty. Stores and restaurants were closed. Most everyone was in masks but it was still really new so it was weird to see everyone in masks. We owned like 4 total at the time and would wash out the mask we wore in the sink in the hotel room so it could dry to wear again. Switching back and forth. 

This time we grabbed a couple of masks from our vast collection, headed to the airport that was filled with people wearing masks. Stores are reopening, but the Portland airport is in the middle of big remodel so a lot are closed. We aren't sure if it's stores that didn't make it, stores that are still closed because they aren't sure about being able to maintain the distancing rules still in effect or if they are closed because of the remodel. But there was a mix of closed and open. And it wasn't weird seeing everyone in masks. It was weird seeing SO MANY PEOPLE. The flight to Albuquerque was full. Like "Please check your luggage" full. That was the weird thing now. 

The landing was rough. Like not metaphorically, but actually. Though we thought it also fit metaphorically. It was almost too much to take. My stomach was starting to really protest when we finally touched down. Just so bumpy. Kind of the reminder that Albuquerque is never easy. 

Speaking of...we had dinner with my family that night. I'm sort of kidding. It's always kind of a brace yourself thing because you never know. And now with Mom gone I wasn't really sure how it would be at all. It wasn't bad though. It was just my two middle siblings and two of my nephews. Very small contingent. I vetoed having a few other family members there just to avoid the fight that would be almost inevitable. It might not have been, but odds were that if you got me and my uncle together someone would say something at some point that wouldn't be fun. Just best to avoid it since we were only going to be there for a day. 

And it was our first (for Brent and I) venture out to an indoor restaurant. I think 6 spread out at a table was good enough. 

It was weird. Being in a restaurant. You put on your mask to come inside. You wear it to go to your table. Then you can take it off to eat and drink and visit while you sit at your table. Now, we are all vaccinated so there wasn't any real risk at all anyway, but after over a year of avoiding indoor spaces and wearing a mask constantly it was odd. 

But the meal went well. We got to see my oldest nephew for the first time since his weight loss surgery. Seeing the pictures online gave us a good idea as to how much he has lost, but it was nothing like actually seeing him. And hugging him. The last time I hugged him was at Mom's funeral. He had already lost 60 pounds at that point pre-surgery, but he was still big enough that I couldn't get my arms around him. Friday they overlapped. By a good amount. He's lost 210 pounds. Which is basically Brent. He's lost a 6 foot tall grown ass man. How crazy is that? And more importantly he looks so happy and seems so much lighter in his soul. It makes me so happy. 

My sister, brother and I talked a bit about growing up. It's always an interesting thing for me. You all know I read a lot about memories and how ours are all faulty. We think we know what happened but every time you remember something you change something in the memory. And you can actually tell yourself a false story often enough that you really believe it's true. Even if it's completely made up. It trips up people in public (See Brian Williams) and makes a big stir with people thinking "OH I would never! He's just a liar!" but we all do it. We all have our versions of what really happened. Sometimes they match and sometimes they are completely different stories. That being said sometimes listening to my sister talk about our childhoods I think I don't know any those people. I recognize the names of the characters but that's about it. I am sure she feels the same about me. 

But all in all it was a nice visit and nobody fought and nobody cried. Those are always wins. 

Getting to the hotel was a challenge. Which was the same when we were in town after Ann died. Last year downtown was cordoned off for the protests around George Floyd's murder. We literally could not get to the hotel. Every street was blocked. We ended up having to call them and move our reservation to a different hotel. This year we went to check in as they were closing down cross streets to prevent, cruising? street racing? fun? We weren't sure, but it was a trick, again, to get to the hotel. And though they had opened up restaurants and capacity they haven't yet opened valet parking, which had been the only way to park before, so we had another layer of finding parking and getting that taken care of. But we got checked in and then spent the night listening to cars and motorcycles racing on the street outside the hotel because it was one of the only ones still open. Yay...

Also we found that it was probably good we ended up in a different place last year. The times we had stayed at that hotel before we had a big room. Bed, couch semi-suite set up. This time we were in a regular room and it wasn't very big at all. Still a nice room, still one of the nicer places in Albuquerque to stay, but it would have been much harder to deal with for a week than the Embassy Suites was. Sometimes even in really crappy situations the world does you a solid. 

Saturday we went to take care of the business we were there for. Brent had checked and double checked that the bank had all of the information they needed so there wouldn't be any nasty surprises. And we went ahead and brought copies of everything anyway just to make sure. We got to the bank to open the safe deposit box and get all of the paper work out of it. It took a little bit to get the box open, for some reason the bank's keys (you need both yours and theirs to open the box) aren't labeled and you have to have both keys in in exactly the same way to get the lock to release and the guy from the bank must have gone through all of his keys 4 or 5 times. Enough that he was really starting to get flustered, which of course made it even more difficult. 

While Brent signed off on getting everything closed I sat and looked through the paperwork. To see if I was right about what was going to be in there. And I was. And I wasn't. I had guessed the original will, their marriage license, Jack's military paperwork, a copy of his death certificate and if she had a passport that as well. So their marriage license was in there as well as the military paperwork that I expected and a copy of his death certificate but, no will. I have no idea where the original certified copy of the will was. We are thinking that maybe they never had it certified. Or there is a lawyer somewhere who has it that we didn't even know about to contact. But all we ever had was our copy and the copy we found at her place that was just like our copy. 

There was also a lot more paperwork. We live in such a bureaucratic society and we don't even realize it until we lay out the "necessary paperwork." There were copies of the original marriage licenses and divorce decrees from the first time Jack and Ann were married, their second marriages to others and then like I mentioned the marriage certificate from when they remarried. That one was sweet to me because it has both of their signatures on it as well as mine and Brent's as we were their witnesses. I happened to be pregnant at the time so the whole of that side of the Mastenbrook family was represented.

She also had her complete vaccination records which I'm guessing she needed at times for her nursing license. All of Jack's paperwork from his last physical, which makes me think she requested that information to see if there had been any warning about his heart that was just ignored. And her birth certificate as well as Jack's and Brent's. Brent's was a surprise. We had to get an official copy at one point for his and there was a flash of annoyance that they had a copy and didn't just give it to us when he moved out. It's not the first time I've been annoyed at a dead person, and it won't be the last, but it's always an odd feeling when it happens. Spoiler alert, they don't care.

When we got home all of the contents of the box went into our "deal with it later" box in the garage. But at least now all of those pieces are done. 

Want to know the real kicker though? After a year of trying to get them to do it remotely so we didn't have to fly down for that one last piece. After a year of being told it was against their policy and that it had to be done in person. They never even asked Brent for his ID. 

Never.

Not when we got there. 

Not when we opened the box and cleared it out.

Not when he closed the account.

Never.

You just have to shake your head. Now we are sure it's because he had the keys and had been in contact with them and the odds of a stranger knowing the appointment time, getting the keys from us aren't great, but still. 

The appointment took about a half hour all together. And that was that. The last piece of the estate taken care of. And we were done. Ten in the morning with a flight that was leaving at 4. We had made plans to grab lunch with friends before heading to the airport but still had a few hours to fill. 

We drove around town a bit and sort of said goodbye. We found a few of the places we had lived as kids. Our old schools. Some friend's houses. A park we used to picnic in when we were still dating. We tried to find the first house we bought but they've reconfigured the roads in our old neighborhood so we couldn't quite figure out how to get there. But all in all it was a good trip down memory lane. Also reinforced where I got my idea of what a nice neighborhood, and a nice house look like. Four Hills was the rich neighborhood for Highland students. The houses up there aren't giant mansions or super crazy large, but they are bigger than the houses down in town and they are all a little different style. More brick ranch houses (though BIG ranch houses) fewer adobe homes. That to me was what rich people did. Build a house out of brick instead of mud so the wolf can't blow it down as easily I guess. For Brent his idea of a nice neighborhood was shaped by Kalamazoo. Wide tree lined streets and deep front yards. It's always interesting to see what has made itself at home in your brain and why. 

Then we headed to lunch with Nikki and Caren. It's always so good to see them face to face. Nikki was such a huge help to us last year. She had recently been through it all when her mother died. She was an incredible resource for information. We had no idea what to do or how to do it. Another thing we just don't talk about enough with people. What do you do when someone dies? Not just the grieving but the actual amount of STUFF that needs taken care of. When our fathers died it was easier because it all just went to our mothers. When my mother died there were a few things but she didn't own much and my brother and sister had lived with her and knew where everything was. When Ann died it was kind of chaos. There was a house and a car and the contents of the house and investments and Jack's death benefits and Social Security and two years of taxes to take care of and...well...It was really nice to have someone who knew the steps to take.  

And again, it's just nice to see both of them face to face. Nikki and Brent were very close friends through high school (I think I've written about this before) and she sort of inherited me when he and I started dating. We've kept that friendship over the years and with Facebook it was easy to settle back in to it. Nikki and Caren have been close since high school. Caren and I knew of each other, we were both drama kids, and we had the Nikki connection, but we weren't close. Facebook brought us back into each other's orbit and we realized we really dig each other. We have past connections that we can touch on, but more importantly we are "now" friends not just "then" friends. We built our friendship out of the current day. It's kind of a unique situation. But they've both been there for us all along.

After grabbing lunch with them we hit the airport and were on our way again. 

A longer rough ride out of town, but not as bumpy as landing was. Still probably a metaphor there...

But that was it. 

It's all done now. 

We are orphans and have no paperwork still tying us to Albuquerque. We aren't sure that we will ever visit again for pleasure. It's an odd feeling. 

You can never go home again. Or at least not in the same way. 

No News is Good News...

The Universe is doing it again...

So you know how I go back and forth on wanting to be informed and wanting to not feel like the world is a cesspool of misery? Last week Brent and I were talking about being overwhelmed with news and specifically how not news most news is now. They are media companies not journalists. A company is out to make a profit. To get a profit you need to be sensational. You need to drive those clicks. You need to have a narrative. Us vs. Them! Good vs. Evil! Can you believe this shit?!?  So the headlines are click bait. The articles tend to be less informative than opinionated and the world keeps spinning further and further off kilter. 

But at the same time there are important things happening. There is a political party that is trying to end democracy. Not exaggerating, they are trying to change rules so our representative democracy is not that. They have moved away from just restricting voters and access to dismissing election results they don't agree with. That's about as big of a threat as you can get. And there are a slew of transphobic bills that are being pushed as their next step in the culture wars. See too many people know gay and lesbian folks now, too many people have homosexual friends who got married and the world didn't explode so they've moved on to trans people. Not as many people know someone who is trans so they make a better target. We've gone from worrying about who should be able to get married to where people pee to what about the integrity of women's sports? 

So I feel like I need to keep current on what crazy ass legislation is being pushed. 

So it's always trying to find the balance.

Anyway...

After Brent and I talked about it he decided to move all of his news feed stories to Twitter and treat that like a good old fashioned RSS feed. He gets them in chronological order that way and only has to sift through them once, instead of the Facebook feed way of showing you things right away or 5 days later depending on its mood. And he said that it had the bonus effect of now his feed is mainly real people he wants to see, not news stories. More control over his news intake. 

Then I was reading Humankind: A Hopeful History and the author is making the argument that people are not as selfish and shitty as we all think they are. And not only that but one of the reasons why we all think the other guy is an asshole is because our news consumption leads us down that path. The whole reason why there is a group of conservative who think that elections are being stolen is because they are reading it and hearing it in the news they consume, after all. But basically one of the ways to think better of your fellow humans is to stop watching the news. Find a source you believe is just giving you news stories as much as possible and check in with that source once or twice a week. Like the Sunday Newspaper used to be. A recap of the week's stories, a few current headlines if something major is going on. But don't read EVERYTHING out there ALL the time. Just stop watching the nightly news, stop listening to news on the radio. Stop subjecting yourself to all of it. 

Hunh...

Well. Maybe. I mean, I have always felt that the people who are usually pushing the "you don't need to be informed" narrative are those with the least to lose. The higher your privilege the easier it is to say that everything is fine. It's like those that rail the hardest against safe spaces are those that feel safe everywhere they go. But I have other resources for voting issues and when I need to contact my congress people so what is the news actually providing for me?

So I decided to give it a try and see how I feel about it all. 

I cleared all of the news and political people from my Facebook feed and I will clear all but a couple from my Instagram as well. I am going to skip watching the nightly news for awhile as well and just get the headlines in the morning recap from Alexa for now. If it makes me crazy and makes me feel like I don't know enough I'll change, but until I try it out I don't know.

So there you go...a new June goal after all...

Consume less news. 

BOOM!

May A Day Late...

May is done. 

We made it through.

That was the entire goal for May so. CHECK!

So let's see, what about the long running goals?

I lost a little bit more weight and little bit more in measurements. So that's good. Still working toward that end. Or less of an end, something like that. 

I read 8 books and I'm now 5 books behind. Since I was 6 books behind at the end of April I at least made a dent there. Small dent, but a dent. I am pretty sure I'm going to re-read The Sandman series to get ready for the TV show so that will actually help give me a push. 

Writing, I didn't do a lot last month, only 9 pieces, three of them were fiction so not terrible. I still need to get some pieces submitted by the end of the year, need to start looking at that pretty quickly. But I'm still trending ahead for the year so my slower month was fine.

Kept up POD and Daily Gratitude. I think I might have missed a day or two in there for DG, but still fine. 

I don't really have anything on the plate for June. This past weekend is the one I would have normally made a plan, but we were in New Mexico and then spending so quiet time with C so I didn't think about June. 

So I guess for June I'll keep working toward the end of year goals, but not put any extra things on the plate for the month. Which is fine. And probably a good idea. It's good to work toward the big ticket items in small chunks as well. 

And it is summer.

And we did get vaxxed up.

And things are opening up.

And we have actual plans for OUTSIDE the house. 

So maybe a low key June is a good idea. 

At least until or unless I think of something to add to the plate for this month. 

But if I don't, that's okay too. 

June off to a good low key start. CHECK!