Halloween Blues...

"I hate Halloween."

"Well excuse me as I move away from you."

"What?"

"I mean, I don't want to be standing next to you when they come for your gay card. You will then lose all rights and responsibilities contained therein. No more pushing for all of those special gays rights and advancing the gay agenda for you!"

"Oh stop it."

"Seriously though, isn't Halloween like the gayest of holidays? It's your Thanksgiving, Christmas and Super Bowl all mixed together and doused in obscure costumes."

"See? That's the issue. It used to be. It used to be like this really underground thing, you must be this gay to enter sort of thing. But now the straights have infiltrated. They saw how much fun we were having and have taken over. Like a bachelorette party at a gay bar. Like middle aged white women at Drag Brunch." 

"Like corporate sponsorship at a Pride Parade."

"Exactly. They want the fun and then as soon as there is actual push back from the 'don't call me cis het' crowd they run away."

"So you now hate Halloween because they haven't yet run away?"

"And I don't think they are going to. They've turned Trick or Treat into Trunk or Treat. Which, come on, you want it to sound better so you take away the 'trick' but add in 'maybe I'll shove you into the trunk' instead?"

"I don't think anyone is shoving someone in a trunk."

"We spent our whole childhoods being told to be aware of strangers in a van with candy. And now they take their kids to church parking lots with nothing but strangers hawking candy out of their trunks. Somehow they've decided the church is safer than ringing a doorbell on a house? Come on."

"Okay, maybe Trunk or Treat is a little odd, but didn't churches have harvest festivals when you were a kid?"

"They did. It was the first step in trying to take over. But we pushed back. We said, keep your little fishing games and bobbing for apples, which come to think of it bobbing for apples? Wasn't that what got Eve in trouble in the first place? Anyway... let the little church kids do that while all of the secular kids were out getting candy. But then the church kids were like, wait a minute, you got a lot more candy than I have so we need to figure out how to take that away from you."

"They aren't taking your candy."

"They did! They took away Trick or Treating. They convinced people that kids were getting drugs in their candy. Nobody got drugs. If you are high enough to pass out your drugs you are too high to be able to answer the door. But they convinced everyone it was, so they made them do mall trick or treating first, and when the stores all handed out the lame candy they switched to 'Oh look over here at Trunk or Treat.' Diabolical."

"Okay, so the kids thing you are mad at. But your parties were never kids things."

"Yeah, but that's been overrun as well. We didn't say anything when the college age crowd turned everything into a Sexy Whatever costume. We just let them have it. Fine, any excuse to get drunk and have sex in college right? But then they didn't stop. They kept having parties once they grew up. Or maybe not grew up but got older. And they kept doing the stupid Sexy Whatever costumes. No creativity."

"I've seen some pretty sexy costumes at Gay Halloween parties."

"Of course you have! But never just Sexy French Fries or some shit like that. You saw The Devil wearing Prada, just the logo. You saw Hot Priest from Fleabag. You saw..."

"Okay, I get it. Straights need more pop culture in their costumes."

"No. Straights need to leave Halloween to little kids and the gays. We don't ask for much, let us have this one thing. And give us Pride back. And Drag Brunch. And gay bars. Let us have those things."

"Is that the real gay agenda?"

"Leave us alone? Yeah, that's it."

"They'll never go for it."

"I know. It's all trick, no treat."

"But you look really good in your sexy librarian costume."

"I'm Prue reading The Book of Shadows. May Shannen Doherty's memory be a blessing."

"I just proved your point didn't I?"

"I mean...yeah."

Wrap a Day Early...

Going to do the October wrap up a day early since tomorrow is Halloween and if I sit down to write I cannot imagine I will want to write anything other than fiction. 

So how did it go?

Fast. Like I knew it would. And with my schedules and routines all blown to bits it's been hard to get a grip on what day it even is. I just know it's going by in a blur. 

Reading, I'm back on track. A book a week to make that goal and that's easy enough. Read those graphic novels and a few shorter pieces this month so that padded me out for a bit. Also read on the flights and that finished off a lot of things. Trying right now to finish a political book I'm reading. I want to get it done before Tuesday because I don't want to THINK about politics after that. I mean, that's not realistic, but at least it's a goal. 

Writing, I'm on track to hit my when I finally set a goal goal numbers within the next two weeks. Now, of course, when I set those numbers I looked at what I actually wrote last year and lined that out as well and I'm on track to hit that number as well. So I should have two pretty beefy blog years in the books. Who knows what that will bring in 2025. (which, of course I've already started to think about 2025)

Workouts, I'm pleased to say I did work out quite a few times this month. Between travel and getting a little sick last week it's been a light month, but still kept going into the garage and working out. It would be really easy to not do that while Brent is on sabbatical. Just take it as a break, but that would be a terrible idea for my fitness levels. So I will keep working on being consistent in working out in November. Even with the travel and Thanksgiving in there. 

Thyroid stuff. So last I talked about it I was unhappy with the fact that I had been taking the medication consistently and all that had happened was the weight loss slowed. I got my blood restested and I actually got thrown into hyperthyroidism. So you're telling me that I can "have" hyperthyroidism and STILL gain weight? I am a goddamn medical miracle...

I did end up losing about a pound right before we left for Hawaii. Then while we were in Hawaii my doctor got my blood test results and was like STOP taking that dose and switch to this lower dose. So I went for about 5 days with no meds, then started the lower dose when we got back. We will see how it goes. The symptoms I did notice from the hyper vs. the hypo were it kicked my insomnia back into high gear and added the night sweats back from when they went away with the estrogen. I've been sleeping a little better lately so I'm hopeful that my levels are, well, leveling out. I have to wait another 6 weeks or so before I can retest and see where we go from there. 

We didn't end up going back to Michigan so the travel was only the trip to Hawaii. November we are going to Disneyland and December up to Leavenworth so it actually worked out with a trip a month so that's kind of nice. 

So November, the trip, as I mentioned. I only wrote 16 times last November so the trip shouldn't throw my numbers off too much. My reading will actually get a boost from the travel since it's a few hours on a plane with nothing else to do. Granted, not as long as the flight to Hawaii and back so it won't be a four book trip, but two is probably in the cards. 

Normally in November I do a Thirty Days of Thanks post. I did it in 2016 and managed but man...if that...former president is elected again I'm not sure I could. Which means I need to do it, right? As a sign I believe Harris will win if nothing else. And oh my gosh I hope she wins. 

Picture of the Day for October was weird, I did them out of order (it was supposed to be a sort of scavenger hunt) and though that was kind of nice on days that I knew there would be a good prompt (the ocean for body of water) it was also kind of odd in my head to not do them in order. I've followed the day prompts for so long that it felt wrong not to. The November prompts haven't yet grabbed me so we will see what happens on the first. 

Like I mentioned before, I'll keep working at working out. Making sure that I am at least doing it a few times a week if not more. I need to make sure that it's still more of habit than not by the time December is over. 

But November is basically a hold my breath and cross my fingers for the first week and then we will see what happens. 

Plus Disney. 

The Power of Writing...

I read two books in the past two weeks that made me think about writing. Not that I need to write, or I want to write, but what writing does to the rest of the world. 

One of them was a collection of humorous essays that were well, not all that funny. Which happens. What we find to be funny is super personal. And her book of essays (to me) could have been subtitled spoiled girl life stories. She even talks in them about knowing she's selfish and self centered but then I'm supposed to find the interactions she has after that funny because I know how self centered she is. Instead I just thought, yeah, you are. 

But I read them all. One because I kept thinking I would find the essay that warranted the "funny" reviews. The other because her life is completely different than mine. In practically all ways. And that's interesting to me. To read about a world that exists that I am not a part of even though it is clearly in the same world I live in. 

And, of course, I read them all because I need antagonists in my own fictional stories so she will work nicely as a frame.

The other book I read was Ta-Nehisi Coates new book The Message and he talks about writing, and in particular the style of writing he does, as being powerful. It can change things. And it's true. His books always give me something to think about. Something that adds to my world view. A perspective that is (much like the other book) from someone who is very different than I am. Who has lived a life that is unlike mine. 

I finished The Message while I was on a plane or I probably would have come right in to the office and written a blog right then. Instead I jotted down a quick note and thought I'd get back to it when we got home. 

The thing I wrote down was that telling stories, writing stories, changes the world like water changes a landscape. And just like water we might not notice the changes as they happen because it's so subtle, or it might be a flood that washes away everything we thought we knew. 

Coates talks about the importance of writing. Of how we need to tell stories. And tell the hard stories. And tell the stories with perspectives that aren't always seen. And how important it is to do that. 

He can be like a flood. His audience is large, his reach is wide, and when he chooses to write about something he is like a flood. He wrote about visiting Palestine and Israel in this book. About seeing what was going on there (was as in he visited before October 7, 2023) and how we in the US are not ever really given the full view of the area. We are fed a steady diet of the Israeli perspective. And once you see the other side it changes how you view things.

I cannot remember the first time I was given a glimpse of the other side. The view of Palestine and Palestinians not as an inconvenience to Israel expansion at best and as nothing but terrorists at worse. The first time I was forced to see that these are people who did not ask to be occupied. To be removed. To be subjugated. And then the first time I realized that everytime Israel struck the West Bank or Gaza with missiles in retaliation for rocks it was US bombs they were using. 

To see the exposure that has happened over the past year where Netanyahu is finally being called out for what he is. Where the IDF tactics are being viewed more and more for what they are. That has given me a little hope. But seeing the number of people who cannot separate criticism of the Israeli government from antisemitism has remained frustrating. 

Both ways. 

There are people who will come at you hard for criticizing the way Israel treats Palestine. They will shout you down. Call you an anti semite. Try to shame you into silence. Especially now. They will just bring up October 7th as if that justifies what has happened. 

And there are people who can't seem to defend Palestine and Palestinians without devolving into anti semitism. Because there is a lot of anti semitism in the world. 

The terrorist attack of October 7th was horrific. What has happened since is not justified by that. 

It can't be. 

For anyone who has known me for any length of time you know I had the same stance about 9/11. What happened on 9/11 was horrific. What we did over the DECADES that followed was not justified by that. 

An eye for an eye just leaves the whole world blind. 

Massive drone strikes from the US over Afghanistan and Iraq has lead to more radicalization not less. 

The same thing is happening in the West Bank, Gaza and Lebanon. Ah yes, Lebanon. Much like Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11 but we still used it as justification to bomb them Israel has used the Hamas attacks as a justification to attack Hezbollah. Just in case...

But now Coates has seen these things with his own eyes. And he is writing about them. And because he's writing about them he's getting the YOU CAN'T SAY THESE THINGS treatment. But the amazing thing is that he isn't backing down. He's continuing to talk about them. To get coverage for what he wrote. Which will give more people exposure to his book and they can read them as well. And see what he has to say. (I also recommend any of the reporting that John Oliver has done on Palestine over the years, it's been very good as well, that link will take you to the piece he recently did on the West Bank)

He is a flood. 

He can change the landscape. 

And in his book he talks about how important writing is. And as someone who is a gentle drizzle at best I felt really good reading that. 

Keep writing. That's the message I got. 

Keep talking about difficult things. That's the message I'm passing along to you. 

We can change the world. 

Books Chapter 16 (b)

 Books Chapter Sixteen A

 Peter motioned to the plate of fries, “Did you want anymore? I feel like I’m hogging them all.”

“I probably shouldn’t. It’s becoming a major part of my diet lately. I’m thinking next time we meet we should split a salad.”

“I don’t know. Something healthy might send my system into shock.” Peter tried not to smile about the “next time” comment. He and Ellie had started out talking about how worried they both were about Gloria and how she had been acting off for a while, but he had to admit he was now just enjoying Ellie’s company.

“I’ve decided that I’m just going to ask her what’s going on. Because something is for sure going on. Every time I bring up next semester and where she thinks she’s going to do her student teaching she has to rush off somewhere. Work, or the library. I don’t know what is happening, but something is wrong.”

“Direct is your normal approach.”

“I know! This is the first time I think I understand why mother would just avoid unpleasant things. I’m worried about what she’s going to say. I mean, what if she just doesn’t like me anymore?”

Peter laughed, “I’m sorry. That wasn’t nice of me. But you have to stop thinking that. Of course, she still likes you. You’re her best friend.”

“But she hasn’t been around. I mean all last summer she was with Adele at the bookstore, and if she wasn’t there, she was talking about Adele and the bookstore. I thought this semester we would have more time to spend together, especially since next semester she will be busy student teaching and might even be living in a different town for a few weeks at a time. It’s the last stretch we can just be together before everything changes. And she hasn’t been around at all. It feels like maybe she doesn’t want to be.”

“Okay, then for sure it’s time to talk to her. If for no other reason than to clear your head of that bullshit. You two have been in each other’s pockets since you were little kids. Your plans for the future are even all around each other. There has never been a moment where the two of you weren’t going to be friends.”

“She hasn’t even made it to our writing club all semester, she’s had to work every time we’ve met, I mean can’t Adele give her that one night off? I know I sound jealous, but I thought she liked being in the club with me.”

“I’m not going to lie to you, because I know you hate that, you do sound jealous. And do you think that maybe that’s all this is? That she’s made a new friend that you don’t know, and it makes you uncomfortable?”

“Well, why are you bothered then? You said you were going to reach out to me to ask about her as well, you can’t be jealous too?”

“Fair enough. I have been concerned. She’s withdrawn from everything. We haven’t met in person all semester. I know she hasn’t needed to run as many papers by me, but we had talked about meeting regularly to help guide her next steps through the system. To help get her set up in the classrooms she really wanted to work. She’s done everything via campus mail.”

“See? She’s avoiding us.”

“Right. Both of us. So that means you don’t have to worry about her not liking you anymore. Because she’s avoiding both of us and there is no way she doesn’t like me, because I am extremely likeable.”

Ellie laughed, “It’s true. You are. Okay, that settles it. Operation make Gloria talk to me is a go!”

Books Chapter Seventeen

Books Chapter 16 (a)...

 Books Chapter Fifteen B

Gloria was reshelving a stack of books when she heard the bell ring.

She picked up the few remaining books and headed to the front of the store.

“Oh, hey, hi! June, right? From the bar the other night. You were waiting to see a friend and putting worthless men in their places?”

Jade laughed, “It’s Jade actually. But yes, that’s me. Tell me your name again, please, I’m great with faces and lousy with names.”

“As you can tell, so am I. It’s Gloria. Nice to see you again. How can I help you today?”

“So, is there some sort of bookseller, book buyer confidentiality arrangement?”

Gloria laughed, “What happens at the bookstore stays at the bookstore. No worries. I will not out you as a romance reader to your science fiction friends.”

“It’s much more embarrassing than that. I’m looking for relationship advice. Like how to change patterns. Break out of my type being straight women and married men. And you didn’t really need to know that much…”

“No worries.” Gloria zipped her lip shut. “I’m a vault.”

They walked over to the selection of relationship advice books.

“Do you recommend one in particular?”

“Honestly? I’m not really familiar with them. I probably should be, but I haven’t had many relationships so not many relationship issues. And now I’ve said more than you needed to hear so we’re even.”

Jade smiled and made the same zipped lip gesture.

Gloria thought for a moment and then said, “But maybe a book about finding out what you really want? Not just in relationships but in general. Maybe that would help you figure out why you are self-sabotaging by only being attracted to unavailable people? I’m reading this one right now, and it’s been pretty helpful.”

Gloria pulled a book off of an adjoining shelf and opened it about halfway. “There’s even a little quiz to help you see what is really important to you. I’m a sucker for a good quiz.”

“Did it give you the answer to what you were asking?”

“It didn’t give me a direct answer, ‘you should be doing this!’ moment so much as a ‘here are the things that are important to you’ clarification. Sometimes you just need to see it written out. You know? Like you have your whole life planned out to go a certain way but is that the way you really want it to go? This is helping me figure that part out. Without boring everyone else in my life with my constant but what if…navel gazing.”

 “Okay, you’ve sold me on it. I’ll give it a try. Maybe it’s like you said, I’m just self-sabotaging because I don’t know what it is I actually want. I mean, even just hearing you say that out loud made a lot of sense so if the book is a bust, I’ve still gotten something out of the store.”

“Good to hear!”

Gloria rang up the sale and wished Jade good luck with her search.

Later that night when Jade settled down to start reading, she noticed the note on the receipt: “Come back anytime. -G” She thought, “Oh, Jade, don’t think it. She’s just doing her job. But…then again, maybe another trip in might not be the worst idea.”

Books Chapter Sixteen B

Credit Where Credit Isn't Due?

I often make Brent give me credit for the things I don't say. Or don't say to other people. I make him listen to the devastating paragraph of bile I COULD have spewed forth and then tell him what I said instead and make him tell me what a good choice that was. 

I think there should be some sort of acknowledgement on social media as well. When the AI recognizes that you have typed and massive response then either left the page without posting or deleted all of it and left just a thumbs up you should get an automatic gold star somewhere on your profile.  

My profile would be so shiny it would be hard to look at. 

Though possibly my Good Denise Bad Denise posts would cost some of them. 

It would be worth it. 

And then I could earn them back for NOT posting a Good Denise Bad Denise update when I really want to. 

Constant star loop for me. 

I have a few other people aside from Brent who get blasted with the "DO YOU BELIEVE THIS SHIT?" texts and messages. 

I'm grateful for those people in my life. The ones who will listen to me at my worst and laugh at how devastatingly funny I am even when I am gutting someone navel to neck with my words. 

Because I am.

I am mean funny. 

I don't trot it out a lot but when I was younger I used to be the Queen of the devastating quip. I was pretty sure it wasn't bad if I told the joke while I slammed the person. And I will admit that even now if someone is saying something horrible about me if they can say it in a funny way I will laugh and give them more of a pass than just someone being nasty without the funny. 

I've read a lot of "generations do this" sort of things that say that is a strong Gen X trait. We were awful to each other. Friends and enemies alike got the same sort of treatment. A lot of it was and is just meanness. The joke now is that we weren't hugged enough as children. Or that we were feral. Or that because we had to take care of ourselves from a young age we learned not to show weakness. 

It could be all of those things. Or it just could be because we did it, we did it. Which I know sounds really circular, but that's the truth about most societal norms. You do a lot of things because the people around you do those things. And until someone else steps out of line and does something different you don't even notice it.

Like the #MeToo movement. Practically every woman in my generation has a story. I would say every woman, and I believe that every woman does, but I have peers who swear they don't. Even when you point out that a certain event was harassment they will argue with you that it wasn't harassment, it's just the way it was. And that's why practically every woman in my generation has a story. Because it just was. 

It took a different generation to step up and say, That's not okay. Just because it's normal to you doesn't mean it's normal. And things started to change. 

Everything is like that. Until someone steps up and says no, or let's not, or here's a different path, most people will continue to do things just because that's the way it's always been done. 

And as the world changes around me I try to keep up. 

But that doesn't mean I don't have a paragraph of completely devastating things to say to you when I think you're being an idiot. They'd probably even make you laugh as you sobbed. 

Probably.

I am very mean funny. 

Responsibilities....

A week and a half out from a presidential election and we are all weighing our responsibilities right now. Responsibility to vote. The responsibility to vote for the best possible outcome. The balancing of responsibility for others versus what could personally benefit you. 

Or at least we should be. 

I don't have a strong feeling that everyone is doing it this way. Some are, for sure, I...I was going to say I'm blessed or I'm grateful but that's not right and I'll explain why in a second but let me try that again. The majority of the people in my life balance decisions based not only on their own needs but on the cost and benefit to everyone around them. The reason why blessed or grateful doesn't work here is because I've cultivated my friend group. I don't tend to keep people around who are self centered. If you cannot put your own needs aside because there is a better outcome for everyone if you do, then I have a fundamental difference in moral code from you and I don't hang around.

But this isn't about that. 

Not exactly. 

See today we were supposed to be on a plane on our way to Detroit Rock City! Woo! then on to Ann Arbor and points surrounding. We knew we were in trouble all last week. So many hacking coughs around us at the resort. But most of them from kids and sometimes that happens when they get a snootful of sea water. So we were hopeful. Until we got on the plane and cough, cough, hack, hack, big wet nose blowing. We crossed our fingers and hoped.

Brent fell first. Exhausted, bad headache he couldn't shake. Small pull in his throat. Then on Wednesday I got the first dull head thump. We did the math on when he got sick, how long it had been and how likely I was to recover before Friday morning. We made the call to cancel the trip to Michigan. 

In the before times we might not have. And honestly, he's fine now, and I've just got the remnants of it. We didn't end up with the chest cold and sinus thing that everyone around us had. Fought it off and ended up just slightly sick for a few days. But...

Part of the trip back was to see his cousin who is undergoing chemotherapy right now and to see his first cousin twice removed who made her debut 7 weeks ago (four weeks early). Not big strong immune systems going on there. It absolutely wasn't worth the risk. Something that is mild and easily fought off for us could be catastrophic for them. 

We are responsible to the people we love to take care of them as best as we can. 

We (Brent and I) believe we are responsible to society as a whole to do the best that we can as well. Part of that was packing masks just in case we got sick while we were in Hawaii so we could protect the people around us on the plane ride home. (Masks keep your germs to yourself) Brent said he was tempted to pull down the suitcase and start handing them out but was afraid we didn't have enough since we only packed a few.

Another part of that responsibility is in the way we choose to donate. What charities get our money. We do our due diligence and make sure that they spend the majority of the money on helping people not on administrative costs. 

And yes, we do it in the way we vote. Who is going to do the most amount of good and the least amount of harm?

Sometimes it's easy. Cut and dried. 

Like this election. 

We are a week and a half away. If you haven't already voted make sure you do. And do so holding in your head and in your heart what the best possible outcome is for the greatest number of people. 

Where does your responsibility lie? 

Strike That...Reverse It...

So yesterday when I said all of that set your intentions and tell the world what you want stuff was nonsense? Forget I said it because today sort of contradicts that. 

And also remember that I did say that because that paired with this will give you great sympathy for what Brent is dealing with...

Okay, I mentioned how hot and humid it was right? (Back out now if you think that nobody who is in Hawaii is allowed to complain about anything) It was also just crazy windy most of the time. Which in a way actually helped with the hot and humid because at least when the air was moving it would cool you off a bit by evaporating the sweat. 

Miserable is about right. 

Now add to this that the fake thyroid meds I started taking took me from hypothyroidism to hyperthyroidism. The hyper kicked off a savage round of insomnia and brought back my nighttime hot flashes. So hot, humid, lack of sleep. And because it was so humid and so hot let's add some chafing and some bottom of the feet blisters from sliding in my shoes. 

I have never in all of our vacations to Hawaii thought, "If there was a way to go home early I would" until this trip. Thursday night I was just beat. I thought if I could go home right now I would jump at the chance. But Friday we were going to go snorkel at Captain Cook and then Friday night was the luau so it would be a good day. I was sure of it. Salvageable. 

Friday morning the winds were up early. So the smooth sail wasn't going to be that smooth. Oh, and did I mention that very first time we found out I was getting sea sick now was in Hawaii going to Captain Cook to snorkel? Now that was on a speed boat and before I realized I now need to medicate and wear my bands, but still... So we get up early, get ready to go. I tuck my bands in one pocket and my dramamine in the other and we head down to grab coffee and a small snack so I can take the medication without it being too harsh. 

The resort has changed to towel machines instead of towel desk. You enter your room key, the locker opens and you take however many towels you need. Kind of slick. Except when the machine is empty. 

So I told Brent what to grab me to eat and I went off to find a different towel machine that was still full. No luck. Great. Fine. We can stop at the desk on the way out and ask them to grab us a couple. This is fine. 

We sit down and have a couple of bites and Brent says, "I thought the boat had breakfast?" 

"The boat has a little continental breakfast, but I figured we should grab something with protein, and I need it to take the pill."

Then I reach into my pocket to grab the pill and...the case is gone. 

Check all of my pockets and the bands are there but no pills. Just gone. 

Fine, I must have somehow not put them in the pocket after all and they are on the counter in the room, or maybe they fell out when I bent over to get my shoes. Whatever, I guess I'll just head back up real quick and check for them. 

Brent asks if I'm okay because I don't look great. I told him I was frustrated and really tired. He says, you look kind of beat up. I told him that's because I feel kind of beat up. Then said you wait here while I go look for my pills. 

Went up to the room and...my key won't work. Are you kidding me? 

Go back down to the coffee shop and Brent asks if they were there and I'm like, no telling. My key stopped working. (This is after the access key for the parking garage stopped working the day before) Brent says, you know what? That's it, I'm calling it. We aren't going to go do this. You look like you're ill. You can't possibly do this boat trip without your pills and the store isn't open to buy more. 

We went back to the room and about 15 minutes later I got hit with a massive wave of nausea. My body had finally just reached it's no more limit. I wasn't sleeping enough to handle the rest of the stresses I was putting on it and it just gave out. So we had a very quiet morning sitting on our lania watching the waves and the wind. 

Then we watched game four of the WNBA finals, which we would have missed the first half of if we had gone on the snorkel tour. 

This is where I think sometimes the universe talks to you. Thursday night I was like, I'm just kind of done. But I was still going to power through. Friday morning, I felt rough when I got out of bed. Then there were no towels. Then my pills disappeared. Then my key stopped working. The universe was like, look, I'm trying to tell you something here, and you aren't listening. You do not need to go on that boat today. It's going to make you feel lousy. (when I get seasick I am wiped for the rest of the day) and when I finally caved and said okay (Technically Brent said okay) the universe hit me with the nausea just to prove a point. LISTEN TO ME WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU

So, yeah, kind of opposite over the whole "that is all bullshit" belief from yesterday. But both are true. I think that setting your intentions and expecting the world will bend to them just because you decided it to be so it setting yourself up for disappointment. Yeah, sure, sometimes it all works out. But sometimes it doesn't. That's the real secret. That it's all arbitrary and we are not in control. 

BUT what I do believe is that there are constantly things happening that if you are paying attention you can see as signs. And sometimes it's not even all that subtle. A week of getting very little sleep, matched to heat stress means doing something that will probably make you sick on a good day is a bad idea. Odds are the tube the dramamine was in slipped out of my pocket when I was off looking for a towel machine that was full. I had to go up and down a few flights of stairs and the side pocket on my swim pants is slick. Not really the universe putting a hand in there and plucking them out, but an exhausted body and mind not noticing them falling out? Sure.

I think if you set your mind to things you want to do, or experience, or even be, you will be more aware of the things around you that are steering you in that direction. The night time manta swim? It wasn't that I somehow manifested good weather, it was that we gave ourselves 3 out of 4 nights free to try to have the best shot at it. Maximized our chances. And luckily we got the best chance on day one. 

So yeah, I think The Secret and books like it are hooey. But I also believe you can make yourself more intuitive and just by paying attention to the world around you it becomes easier to navigate. And I also believe that if you try and ignore your health you will get stronger and stronger reasons why you can't. Especially as you get older. 

So we didn't go snorkel Captain Cook, but we've done that before, and we didn't spend the day on the water, but we've done that before as well. We did have a nice relaxing sit and enjoy the view day followed by a great basketball game and then the luau.

This particular trip to Hawaii as a whole was not my favorite, yes, it still seems weird to complain about Hawaii, but the first night made it all worth it. I just wish we would have known for sure that night would have been successful so we could have either planned to head over to Maui the next day, or maybe even headed home. But you never know what is going to happen. No matter how strongly you set your intentions or listen to the universe or cross your fingers. 

Life is going to do what life is going to do, and you just have to hope you don't lose your anti nausea meds. 

Or something like that...

Set Your Intentions...

Ten years ago when we went to the Big Island my main focus was seeing active lava flows. I booked a helicopter tour just to make sure we could fly over the volcano and see the lava. And we did. It was amazing. We flew over streams of flowing lava and pools of bubbling lava. 

We also booked a night time snorkel with manta rays. That ended up getting cancelled because of the weather. No big deal. The main focus of that trip had been the volcano. 

We kept saying we would get back and do it eventually. But when given the opportunity to go to Hawaii we always choose Maui. Or at least now that we've been to the four main islands we always go back to Maui. We like it a lot and I subscribe to the philosophy that you should do what makes you happy. I know there are people that like variety and are always chasing the new experience but that is hit or miss for me. It might be great but it might be terrible. If I have a week with Brent not working I want to make sure we go someplace that is relaxing and we know we enjoy. Thus Maui. 

Sabbatical time. Brent booked us to go to the Big Island. It's a bonus trip. We went to Maui in February, now we have this extra trip and time so we were finally going to go back and do the manta ray trip. That was the whole purpose for this trip to Hawaii. I scheduled it for the first night just incase the trip got cancelled due to weather or we didn't see any mantas so we had the most opportunities for rescheduling. 

The weather being the biggest worry. I get seasick, and even people who do not normally get seasick have horror stories about getting sick on this tour. The water can be just terrible and the fact that it's dark makes it worse for a lot of people. And even though you are only on the boat for a few minutes you are floating on the water for around forty. Not swimming, just holding on to the light board and floating. A lot of people get really sick. 

I was worried. But determined. We've talked about it for years. It looked super cool. Time to do it or stop thinking we were going to do it. 

First day on the island. First chance at the snorkel. And...

The weather was perfect. Seas totally calm. I drugged up and wore my bands anyway, but seriously just smooth sailing. 

Cruised out to the viewing spot, literally less than 10 minutes from the pier. Got our instructions on what to do: you grabbed ahold of the light board that was closest to the boat and shimmied down the boards to the farthest spot. Your level of  comfort in the water determined how far out you went, Brent and I were the second board from the furthest, we're pretty comfortable. So I get off the boat swim over to the boards and grab the first one and put my face in the water while I shimmy down and THERE IS ALREADY A MANTA RIGHT THERE. My first reaction was glee and my second was to show Brent, who was already most of the way down the boards to our spot. I had to keep going and was really worried that was going to be it, but even if it was I saw one and it was amazing. 

But that wasn't it.

There were four of them with us most of the time. And they are massive and incredible and they come right up to you. The water is so clear that you can watch them swim from the bottom of the ocean (or at least as far down as the lights penetrated the water) all the way up to the light board, mouths wide open gulping in as much plankton as possible. They would move with each other in what looked like a dance. They would glide right in front of us so close that all I would have had to do was stretch my fingers out to touch them. It was amazing. 

They have a wingspan of about 14 feet, just to give you an idea of the size. It was amazing. 

And for one little guy (who Brent and I thought, we when saw him, was a little young for this) it was terrifying. He tapped out after about 5 minutes and they took him back to the boat. His parents did not go with him, told him to sit with the backpack and they would join him when they were done. And I thought...holy shit. I mean I really wanted to see the rays but if Brent had freaked out and was terrified of them I would have gone back to the boat with him let alone with a 6 or 7 year old. Different parenting choices are always so interesting right? 

But anyway, I could see how at that age and size they would be super scary. He might have been able to fit inside their mouths they were so big. And for sure it was much larger than he was, hell they were much larger than we are! 

There were also some women on either side of Brent and I that would give an early warning for when one was swimming along the board close to all of us. They would scream. Each and every time. Which screaming around a snorkel is a trick, but they did it. We weren't sure if they were startled or if that was their uncontrollable glee noise. I mean the first one I saw I know I made an oooh! noise myself. 

We have a recording (hopefully) and when I figure out how to access it I'll post some footage. Even if it turned out I know it probably won't fully capture the feeling of seeing them right next to us. I'm really glad we got to do it this time. 

Set those intentions. Focus on that outcome. 

We also did another helicopter tour, I figured since it might be our last trip to that island we should make sure we saw the volcano again. And...

The weather was so bad over that part of the island we didn't fly there. Completely socked in. 

In fact the weather was terrible the whole rest of the trip. It was super stormy on the other side of the island and hot and humid with strong winds on ours. It was that kind of oppressive hot where you have a hard time doing anything without it feeling like a slog. And the water was a mess. Super choppy and rough. I would have been so sick if we had tried to go any other night. 

I should have set my intentions for an overall great trip. Manta rays, more volcano, smooth water, pleasant weather. But I didn't, I set them strictly on the rays. And we got perfect ray weather and viewing. The captain of the boat said they generally have between one and three rays and we had four so feeling pretty great about that. 

It's all about putting what you want out there and it coming back to you right?

Well no. That's all bullshit. I mean a lot of people honestly believe it, and I will write tomorrow about the opposite point of view, but know that I know it's not true. 

I did not have any bearing on how that first night went. My focus on the first night did not mean the other things fell through, any more than my focus on the volcano the first time we went made the ray tour fall through. It was a happy coincidence. 

But I'll still take it. 

This is what the light boards look like with people holding on to view. We had five or six hooked up I think? So less people than this shows, but still a pretty good crowd. 

Books Chapter 15 (b)...

 Books Chapter Fifteen A

“Hi, gorgeous, is this seat taken?”

“Yeah, actually I’m waiting for a friend… and yet you are already sitting down.”

“Your ‘friend’ is late and I’m here now, so I’ll just buy you a drink and keep you company.”

She pointed at the bar, “I bought my own drink already and I really am meeting someone so…”

“I think it’s a shame when a woman has to buy her own drinks. Let me correct that for you.”

“Why is it a shame?”

“Well that you didn’t have a man here to take care of you.”

“I don’t need a man to take care of me. I’m perfectly fine taking care of myself, thank you.”

“Oh sure, I mean, of course you think that. They are trying their best to make you think that. But really wouldn’t it just be easier to let a man follow the natural order of things and make you feel cherished?”

“The natural order of things?”

“Yes, men are the hunters and take care of the women. The natural order before they got their panties in a twist and started demanding change.”

“They? You’ve mentioned ‘they’ a few times now. Who is they?”

“Feminazis. You aren’t one of them, are you? Manhating feminazis.”

“Oh no, you’re one of those, what are they called, Ditto heads?”

“If you’re asking if I think Rush Limbaugh has good ideas, then the answer is yes. Have you listened to him? He speaks a lot of common sense.”

“I have not listened to him. And I won’t be listening to him. And I really don’t want your drink or your company.”

“Oh, I get it. You’re a lesbo.”

She laughed, “So I’m either a feminazi or a lesbian? That’s your only answer for why I wouldn’t want your drink or your company?”

“Yeah, you just hate men.”

“I don’t hate men. I’ve dated a few very nice men. I’ve also dated a few really wonderful women. Which means for you to have a shot at dating me not only would every single other man on the planet have to be dead but every single other woman.”

“I could fix your confusion for you. Seems like you just haven’t met the right man. You spend one night with me, and we’d clear that right up.”

“I have a feeling one night with you might actually make me swear off men forever so, yeah, if that’s what you mean this might be the first time all night you were actually right.”

“You don’t have to be such a bitch.”

“Apparently I do, because you aren’t getting the message and are still sitting in the seat I was saving for my friend.”

“Fine, Bitch, I’m leaving.”

“Oh…no…don’t…wait…stop…how will I ever get over it? And over it.”

As he stormed off, she noticed the laughter coming from her other side.

“Nicely handled. I feel like I should offer to buy you a drink just to pay for the wonderful floor show.”

“Thank you but I really am meeting a friend and don’t want to already be two drinks in when she gets here.”

“No problem, I really should be taking off anyway, it’s picking up in here now and believe it or not I only stopped in to read in a quiet place.”

“I thought I was the only one who reads in bars.”

The bartender walked over right then, “Gloria reads everywhere. It’s not just a bar specific thing.”

Gloria laughed, “It’s true. I do.” She stuck out her hand, “And now that you know my name?”

“Jade. Nice to meet you, Gloria. Maybe we’ll see each other over a book again sometime.”

“That’s always good odds where Gloria is concerned.” the bartender added.

Gloria packed up her bookbag and said goodbye to her new acquaintance. She’d have to remember to tell Ellie about the encounter. Jade would make a great character in one of her books.

Books Chapter 16 A

Books Chapter 15 (a).....

 Books Chapter Fourteen

Ellie knocked on the office door.

“Hey! Come on in, how are you?”

“I’m fine. How about you?”

“I’m doing well. To what do I owe the pleasure of your company? I mean, not that it isn’t good to see you, but…”

“Have you seen Gloria lately?”

Peter smiled, he thought that was probably what this was about, because he had been thinking about calling Ellie to ask about Gloria as well.

“Not for a while, honestly. But she doesn’t have anything this semester that really needs my help. Just wrapping up her requirements before student teaching. Though…”

“Though…”

“I don’t know, I just, it doesn’t seem like she was all that excited about it. The next step. The last time we talked she said all the right things about it, but there just seemed to be something missing.”

“That’s what I’m worried about, I think there’s something really wrong. And I don’t know how to ask her about it. And I was hoping that it was just my own worries about what happens after this year. So, I wanted to talk to someone else who knows her well and…”

“And you think that’s me?”

“Yeah. I do. I mean, aside from me, you’ve spent the most time with her the past few years.”

“And Adele.”

“Her boss? Yeah, I guess.”

“I think Adele is more to her than just a boss. When she talks about her, she seems more like she’s talking about a friend.”

“I guess, maybe. Do you think I should ask Adele if she knows what’s going on?”

“Maybe you could just ask Gloria?”

“You could as well.”

“I would, but she’s cancelled every session we were supposed to have in the past month. I get notes from her updating me on her progress, but she doesn’t have time for meetings, between work and school she’s just too busy. So, I haven’t had the opportunity. In fact, I was going to call you and see if everything was okay. You aren’t the only one wondering what’s up.”

“It just feels like she’s not being honest with me about something, and I hate when people aren’t honest.”

“Yeah, you’ve always been like that, but…”

“I know. I’m here instead of talking to her directly. Which is not something I’m really comfortable with. It’s completely against my nature. Except…well…I’m worried. Like really worried that…. never mind this is so stupid.”

“Go ahead and tell me. You might as well now, or I will be imagining all sorts of really stupid things. How stupid can it be?”

“I feel like maybe she doesn’t want to be my best friend anymore. Like she doesn’t want to hang around, she doesn’t want to do the things we’ve always talked about. She just has outgrown me maybe.”

“You’re right. That is so stupid.”

“Gee thanks!”

“No, I mean it. You’ve been through a lot together over the years and you’ve always had each other’s backs. There is no way she’s outgrown you or doesn’t want to be in your life anymore. I don’t know what she’s going through, but I can guarantee it’s not that. Look, I’ve got back-to-back sessions this afternoon and I’m starving. Did you want to go grab some lunch with me and we can talk about what’s worrying you, or maybe talk about anything else to get your mind out of its spiral?”

“I am sort of spiraling. You’re right. And some junk food sounds great.”

“Hey, I didn’t say junk food!”

“You didn’t. But I did.”

Peter laughed, “Fair enough, let’s go get some burgers and fries, vegetables are for non-spiral days.”

Books Chapter Fifteen B

Scary Stories...

"I love s'mores. Something about cooking them over the fire makes marshmallows the best sugar ever."

"Cooking or sacrificing? I mean, that's pretty burnt."

"Don't yuck my yum!"

"Okay, fair enough. You enjoy your sweet little charcoal brick."

"Stop it you two! Okay, scary story time! Who wants to go first?"

"Oh! I've got one about these very woods."

"Then clearly you get to go first."

"Did you notice how we walked through a perfectly lovely meadow before we got here to make camp? It's flat and open and would be perfect to put tents, but NOBODY ever camps there. Do you know why?"

"Because it's too close to the parking lot? I mean it's barely in the woods at all?"

"No." she glared at the interruption, "it's because it's haunted."

"Haunted? By what?"

"Nobody really knows. No trees ever grow there. Never have. And years ago a shepard decided to use it to feed his sheep, one night he and the entire flock just disappeared. No trace."

"They didn't just go home? Back to the paddock?"

She sighed, "I'm sure people would have checked there. No, they just disappeared. But that's not all."

"It never is."

"There was a little girl and her dog who disappeared as well."

"Oh that's really sad."

"It was. Everyone looked for her. They did a grid search of the whole woods and never found a trace of either of them. But then, five years later, she just showed up again. Walked right in the front door of her house. And she hadn't aged a single day."

"Oh that is creepy! Did she say where she was?"

"She never said another word. Ever."

"What happened to the dog?"

"What?"

"The dog. You said a girl and her dog. She came back, what happened to the dog?"

"I don't know. Why would I know that?"

"You knew what happened to the girl."

"Of course I knew what happened to the girl. The girl coming back was the whole point of the story! That's what makes it a scary story!"

"Doesn't her coming back make it a happy story?"

"No! The fact that she was gone for five years but didn't age at all makes it creepy."

"Hunh. So do you think whatever took the sheep took the dog to help herd them? Like they were starting an agricultural society so they took a sheepherder and his flock then took a dog? Like if we put some cows out there maybe they would disappear too."

"Oh my god...Okay, I'm done. Who's next? Good luck telling your scary story with this one here!"

"It's not my fault I can just reason these things out."

"Reason, sure, like the sheep and the dog were abducted by something trying to start a new agricultural society. That's reason."

"Well, you have to admit it's not really all that scary either."

"Fine! You think you have a better story? You try."

"Okay. This one happened right here in these very woods as well. In fact it happened right where we are sitting. One night, under a sky full of stars a young woman burned her marshmallow beyond all recognition...AND THEN SHE ATE IT!"

She tried not to laugh and failed. "Oh fuck you..." 

"Sorry I ruined your story like you ruined that marshmallow. I promise if you tell another one I'll keep my mouth shut."

"I don't have another one. But you can make it up to me by making me another s'more."

"I KNEW you didn't want it that burnt!"

"Shut up and toast me a marshmallow..."

(Where this came from: There is a meadow in Croatia that has these two stories attached to it... I heard them from the worst story teller and it made me think of this, but instead of it being a bad storyteller I made it a bad story listener)

Books Chapter 14...

 Books Chapter Thirteen

Ellie hung up the phone. She had been talking to Jade, making plans for when she would be back on campus. They were going to meet for coffee and a quick summer catch up. Or not exactly a catch up since they had been talking all summer. But a face to face catch up, and Ellie was pretty sure Jade was going to let her read something she had been writing. That was a big step for her, and Ellie knew it.

Ellie was more than ready for the semester to begin. She was ready to get back into the full schedule of classes instead of the small handful she had taken over the summer. She was also hoping to see more of Gloria since she wouldn’t be working full time. Maybe she wouldn’t be working at all, just going to class. It would be nice to actually just have some down time with her best friend for a change.

Which she knew was pretty selfish. She knew Gloria was working to be able to afford the day-to-day things that Ellie just took for granted. Having money in her back account was just a thing that had always been. Not that she could spend however much she wanted, or at least she assumed she couldn’t, but her parents kept her account topped off. It had never been an issue for her. And she hadn’t minded paying for everything, and her parents hadn’t minded if Ellie paid for things for Gloria as well. But Gloria had, so she worked all summer.

And Ellie had missed her terribly.

Is this what it was going to be like next year when they were done with school? What if Gloria got a teaching job someplace away from Ellie and they only saw each other during the holidays? If that? What if their friendship tapered off and disappeared? Most people didn’t see their best friend from elementary school past well, elementary school really.

She just couldn’t imagine what life would be like if Gloria wasn’t part of it. They had been Ellie and Gloria and Gloria and Ellie for so long that it was almost impossible for her to picture a life of Ellie without Gloria.

The front door of the apartment opened, and Gloria hadn’t even gotten three steps into the living room before Ellie had launched herself at her best friend and wrapped her arms around her.

“Whoa…are you okay? Is everything okay? What’s going on?”

Ellie let go of her friend and let her take a step back.

“I just missed you.”

“I was only gone for a few hours?”

“No, I missed you forever. Like pre-missed you. I’m just being stupid and emotional. I guess our last year of school has me freaked out about the changes coming. But I don’t need to freak out right? I mean we’ve always had a plan for our lives, and we will always be in each other’s lives and…” Ellie trailed off. “I’m being weird. Sorry.”

Gloria smiled, “It’s okay, you’re allowed to be weird. Creative temperament, right? In fact, we should probably make you a little weirder. You’re going to give off way too conventional vibes on your first book tour. All writers have to have some sort of trauma and you…well…”

“My only trauma is imagining that my best friend might move away.”

“Well let’s not go full blown trauma. That’s a lot for your first time. I mean, not having me close by all the time. How would you ever survive? The horror!”

“Okay, now that I think about it maybe it wouldn’t be terrible after all.”

They both laughed and then Ellie said, “I mean I don’t know why I’m worried about it. We are set. Nothing has changed. We have plans. We are the most locked in people I’ve ever met.”

Gloria nodded and smiled at her friend, “Yeah, we have plans. It’s what we’ve always wanted.”

Books Chapter Fifteen A

Just Over Three Weeks Away...

I'm torn right now between thinking that the election is going to be a runaway success for the democrats and thinking that we are all in for a nasty surprise.  Again.

As even more damning things come out about Trump I just cannot believe that this is even close. Like how in the world could they even find someone who was willing to vote for him? Then I see pictures of his rally in Aurora and 10,000 people showed up to listen to him lie. And he did lie. He lied about FEMA, he lied about immigration, he lied about what was happening in AURORA for goodness sake. And yet...they cheered. 

He's running on a platform of hate. Mass deportations. Taking away citizenship from people. And they still want him. He rambles and loses his train of thought and puts together jumbles of word salad and they eat it up. 

And I know, I've talked before about how a lot of people are actually drawn to fascism. That they like "strongmen" leaders. And being told what to do is fine with them as long as someone else is portrayed as the problem and not them. 

But as someone who bristles against ever being told what to do without my input I cannot wrap my head around why that's appealing. 

I've had enough of anyone who says they don't want Trump but won't vote for Harris for whatever reason. Fuck you. It's a binary. I know it sucks that it's a binary but it is and if you aren't voting for one you are saying the other is fine with you. Don't try and hit me with any bullshit if you cannot understand something that simple. 

I've had enough of the talking points from the other side trying to paint Harris as anything less than supremely qualified. If she is elected she will take the office after already serving in all three branches of government. And serving successfully. Hell if she'd done nothing else with her time in the Senate but make Kavanaugh admit that there are zero laws defining what a man can do with his own body that would have been enough for me. 

And yet...I've seen people who are supposedly very intelligent defend voting for him and not for her. People who have decided that she's not only not qualified but somehow dangerous. That if she wins the country is ruined. 

Umm....

She's not the one saying there won't be a need for another election. Or that she'll be a dictator, but don't worry, only on the first day. She's not the one who is a fucking convicted felon. A rapist. And if the new allegations in the latest Woodward book are accurate a fucking traitor. He's been on the phone with Putin multiple times since he left office. A private citizen who is holding on to classified documents and directing the Congressional Republicans to do his bidding, has been on the phone with Putin. Multiple times. And honestly, he's a traitor even if those allegations aren't true. He incited an insurrection. My god people...pay the fuck attention. He's running to stay out of jail. That's his main motivation. 

And yet...they will vote for him. 

I will never understand the appeal. 

And I'm glad for that. 

Just over three weeks to go before we find out how this one will land. I'm hopeful. I'm sure it will all be fine and it could be amazing. And I'm terrified and slightly panicked that it will all go to shit. 

What a time to be alive... 

Here We Go!

Today is Brent's last day at work until mid December. It's the last full sabbatical he'll ever take. That's one of the things they got rid of this last round of cuts. People, benefits, bonuses, blah, blah blah... and the 8 week sabbatical was a casualty. 

This will be his fourth sabbatical. They are (were) the absolute best perks that Intel offered. A long stretch of time off. Enough to actually disconnect and relax. 

So what are we doing? We keep telling people not much. It's a low key sabbatical. And that's really only because for a lot of people sabbaticals tend to be their long European or Asian adventures. They are gone for 4-6 weeks on big multi country tours. We aren't doing that. We talked about doing that this time the last time we took sabbatical. For our last one we took a lot of couple week trips. We also did our Alaskan cruise, but that ended up being not a sabbatical trip since we had to reschedule the start. But anyway...we had talked about doing to Grand Tour for this one. 

Then we got the cats. And you can't just leave your pets for a month. Even with Katie being able to come stay at the house while we travel we can't really ask her to stay for a month. Or a month all at once. She's going to stay for close to that this time just all pieced together. 

No big Grand Tour, we are doing Christmas Sabbatical instead.

Everything except our first trip is going to have something to do with Christmas. The first trip is to Hawaii (I KNOW you are all shocked) but instead of Maui we are going to the Big Island to do a night time manta ray snorkel. We tried to do this like ten years ago but it was too stormy and our trip was cancelled. So this is the raincheck trip. 

It's interesting in a way...it's been a bucket list item for me for a long time. And when we couldn't do it on that one trip (last night we were in town so we couldn't take them up on a reschedule) we kept saying we would come back and do it. But we really like Maui. And really like going during whale watching season. So it kept getting pushed off to "someday." Finally Brent was like "Okay! Sabbatical, this is now someday" and he booked the time on the Big Island. 

We are scheduled right now to do it the first night we are there. That way if it gets cancelled, or we don't see any rays we can reschedule for one of the other nights. Maximize our chances. But...if we don't see any that's okay too. After getting it all scheduled I realized that Brent and I have already swum with rays. Just in Maui. And during the day. And actually swimming with one. It was amazing. We were out snorkeling off the beach by the hotel and one just swam right under us. We swam along with him for a while until we realized how far out we were getting and turning around to head back to shore. So graceful. The ray, not me. 

But the nighttime snorkel is supposed to be amazing and I'm looking forward to it as well. But also a little not. See, the licensing is awfully lax. And the tourist dollars are awfully fat. So those things have combined over the past ten years to make it an overdone area. We are going out with a reputable company that has done it for a very long time, but even so... If it wasn't something I've wanted to do for ages I probably wouldn't do it. Sort of like the swimming with dolphins. That was a thing I had wanted to do for ages but by the time we could afford to do it I wasn't interested anymore. Captive dolphins for tourists to swim with are sad dolphins. I'd rather see them out in the ocean swimming along side the boat. 

So I'm swimming with the manta rays. And I hope to see a few. And I think it will be wonderful. But if not I won't try to do it again. 

It's not quite guilt about doing it but it's close. If it tipped over to guilt it would be a no go. 

So anyway... the other trips are not nearly as fraught. 

We are going to Michigan. We'll catch a football game and visit with family. Brent's cousin has been battling cancer so it will be good to see her and we might even get to meet the newest first cousin twice removed. Totally understand if Mom and Dad say no to travellers exposed to lots of germs, but we will see. And the Christmas section is a trip to Frankenmuth to the giant Christmas store. 

Then we will go to Disneyland during their Christmastime. We've done it before and it was really lovely. And after that a trip to Leavenworth, Washington to their Christmas village.  And in-between we will see The Hip Hop Nutcracker, and Storm Large's Holiday Ordeal, and Holiday Brass with the Portland Symphony. And this year will for sure be the year we make it to The Grotto.

(it's become a family tradition, saying we will make it to The Grotto and then not actually making it to The Grotto, but this year, for sure this year!)

We will also do some house things like patching nail pops, winterizing the garden, doing some deep cleaning and rearranging, you know the fun stuff...

But sabbatical starts in just a few hours. 

We will squeeze out as much as possible from this one. The last one. 

Enjoy it before we have to miss it. 

Good life lesson, that. 

Different Season...

Looking at the tree outside the office window, the leaves are turning. There are still some all green ones but most of them are a mottled red and gold. 

The ones that are changing colors right now are done supplying nutrients to the tree. No more photosynthesis there. So right now the tree is sealing itself off from those leaves. 

The leaves will fall and the tree will spend the winter conserving everything it has in its trunk and branches. Then when spring comes it will spend some of that energy to produce new buds. Those buds will become leaves. The leaves will unfurl and start processing sunlight into food for the tree. 

It's a great system. One we should all follow.

If something is no longer serving you then it's okay to seal yourself off from it, let it go. Habits. Situations. People. Drop them like a leaf that is no longer serving the needs of the tree.

It's okay and necessary to let things go when they are no longer doing us any good.

Even if we have to spend a season alone. Looking a little scraggly. Nourishing only our core. 

When the season changes we will be ready to bring on the new. 

Life is all about seasons. And respecting those seasons. Are you in a season of growth or do you need to spend some time conserving your energy? Are you holding on to things that aren't serving you well anymore? Even if they used to be great? 

I think letting things go is one of the hardest things for most people to do. We get into a groove and just keep doing the same things. We have our habits and our schedules and our routines. And it takes something big to shake us up and make us look around and see if maybe we need a change. If maybe those things aren't really serving us anymore. 

I've written about it a lot. The things that I drop when they stop serving me. And the times when I am not paying enough attention and keep doing them longer than I should. 

I also know that over the next couple of months I'll be out of my routine so I'll get a chance to really look at what I do and don't do and see if there are some leaves I need to seal off. Let them drop away and leave me space for something new. Or let them drop and leave me time to nourish my core. 

Don't keep things that aren't serving you around. Drop those bad habits. Those worthless routines. Those outmoded ways of thinking. The people who are not doing you any good. All of that. Seal yourself off from the drain and preserve your energy for what comes next. 

No Way In...

I have been working on a story for weeks. Which is absolutely not my way. Normally I sit down and write for a bit and I'm done. Sometimes I have an idea when I sit down, sometimes I peruse a writing prompt list to get an idea, but either way I tend to write in a flurry. If I re-read it before I post it or send it to Dana I count that as editing. 

Even when it's a longer story, like Witches in the Wonky Tower, or Books, I write each section in a flash. I don't tend to plan any of it. And I rarely know where it's going. If I do have a final scene in my head I don't know how I'm getting there, just that that is where I'd like to land. And even that can disappear when I start writing. Like the Books series I've been posting on Sunday originally in my head was a totally different story. Different ending. Different type of story. And then when I found my way in it was through a different door that led to a different story. And even that all happened one weekend while I was writing something to send to Dana to start our swaps. 

But this one? I had a dream a month or so ago and when I woke up it stuck in my head so I took a few notes. I thought, this might actually be something. Then I let it just rattle around in my head firming up a little more. And yeah, I think there's something there. Then I started trying to write it into a story. 

And I'm stuck.

I cannot find my way in. That's the problem. I know the middle. I know the end. I know what the beats of the story are. But I don't know how to get in to it. Where do I start? How do I get the set up premise going? Because there is a set up and a payoff and I have to have those in or it's not really a story. 

And honestly, that doesn't usually bother me that much. I've written a ton of things that aren't really a story per se, so much as a scene. A section of a life pulled out and looked at. Things that could, if I were a different person, be part of a larger book. A whole big story. Some of you might even have said to me, "I want to know more about this person!" and I'm always like, "Good luck with that."

Because I write for fun. I write in a flash. I write as it comes to me. And if it's good then that's bonus. 

But this one? I really think it's good. Or could be good. I think there's something there for a little short story that will be good and creepy and fun. Just perfect for October. 

If I can figure out how to write it. How to find my way in. How to pick one of the multiple entry points and go from there. 

I've tried writing the middle and going back. That's a thing they tell you to do in those "how to write" books, but I need to know how I'm getting in. I'm blocked on the rest until I figure out how to get there. My brain just works that way. I'm almost at the point where it will just go away for awhile. If I get a flash of "Oh of course this is the way in!" then I'll come back. 

I don't want to do that just yet because I still believe in the story. I still think it's going to be good. But maybe I've put too much pressure on these poor guys to live up to the idea of them. Maybe they are hiding waiting for me to stop screaming LIVE UP TO YOUR POTENTIAL at them...

Which fine, that happens.

But now I need another story to send to Dana on Sunday. 

Damn it...

Oh...That's High...

We went to the Michigan game up in Washington on Saturday. It's been on our calendar since they announced it. Since it was so close to Katie's birthday it was going to be like pre-Covid days when we would try and take her back to Michigan for a game for her present. Bought tickets for the three of us and her roommate Amber. 

Then this week Katie got Covid so she had to back out. And Amber, for some reason, didn't want to spend the day with us without her so she backed out. (Though she ended up getting Covid as well so she would have backed out last minute anyway). So just the two of us. 

Sold back two of the four tickets for less than we paid because these two teams have not been living up to last year's records but at least we got a little back from them. 

Ended up with a few small travel snafus as far as parking goes. The original plan was we would park at the park and ride in a charging spot and charge the car while we were at the game. Ride the train (like the Max in Portland) in and not deal with the crowds at the stadium. This was not an original idea. The garage was totally full. We ended up going to the airport and parking in the garage there. The good news was that instead of just three electric spots they had four rows of electric spots. The bad news is that all of them were also full. Oh well, looks like we will be charging after the game. 

So parking situated we rode the train into the stadium. Super convenient stop. Like right outside the entrance gates. And they were ready for crowds. Lines set up and security to man the lines. Bossy, but efficient. If you can use it for transportation around Seattle I would recommend it. 

Got in to the stadium and headed up to our seats. And up. And up. And up. 

Now, I knew they were pretty high and it was pretty steep. We bought them through friends and I saw the view from the area. I had even asked Katie if Amber was okay with heights because I thought that they could be triggering for someone who had problems. And I had Brent look to see what he thought since he's the one of us that doesn't like heights. I'm fine. 

Normally. 

But for some reason the combination of pitch and heights was no good for me. 

If I was looking out at the city view or the lake view it was fine, but looking down onto the field was not great. And since we were there to watch a game ...

The two biggest issues were first the people in front of us. Michigan fans as well so anytime something exciting would happen they would stand up. First it was the guy directly in front of me so I would look over to the jumbotron and watch that way. Then the ladies next to him started standing and that blocked the jumbotron so to see I'd have to stand. Stand up, look down at the field, stomach drops like during turbulence in a plane, sit back down, repeat as often as something exciting happens. Which, I guess, lucky for me wasn't often...

Then the second part happened. When the sun went down the light show started. Pulsing lights on the field. I couldn't deal with it, triggering not quite vertigo (thank goodness) but not good either. I'd have to close my eyes when it started and wait for them to turn back on the game lights. Finally Brent was like, you are miserable, let's go. So we left at the end of the 3rd quarter. 

Walking up to our seats I was like, this is a lot of stairs, man this is high. Walking down from our seats I was like, this is really steep and I feel like I'm going to slip. Full on shakes by the bottom. Crazy. 

I don't like ladders and I don't like really steep stairs that are justthisclose to being ladders and I think that the pitch of those seats and steps triggered that uncomfortable feeling. If it were just high and we were on a flat space I'd have been fine. Brent still wouldn't have been great, but he would have stuck it out anyway. 

But as he pointed out we will still needed to charge the car before we could leave so it was fine to head out a little early. 

Got back to the airport parking garage and a few spaces had opened with the chargers. Plugged in and discovered they were slow chargers so to get enough juice to leave we would need to charge until 1 AM. Found a fast charger on the map and headed over there. Took a bit of finagling to get it to work, but eventually got it going. Charged for about 45 minutes then hit the road again with enough to get home and a bit of a buffer just incase. 

Rolled into the garage with 5% left in the battery. It's not sucking fumes since it's not a gas car, maybe chasing sparks? Either way, we made it. 

Long ass day. We left the house a little before 11 AM (ran a quick errand on the way out of town) and got home at around 12:25 AM. The cats were not amused...

And to top it all off Michigan lost. Bah. 

So Katie's birthday game was sort of a bust all the way around. But only sort of.

The Washington stadium is lovely. Honestly with the lake right there and the view of the campus? It's just gorgeous. And we got a chance to see Chad and Raquel for a bit. And we heard Nathan (and the rest of the band) play and they are very good. So it could have been better for sure, but it wasn't the worst way to spend a day. 

Next time we will be buying tickets in the lower bowl though...eek!

Books Chapter 13...

 Books Chapter 12

Gloria was stocking a new book delivery. Slowly.

“You know you can read those whenever you want to, right? It’s not like once they are on the shelf you can’t touch them anymore.”

“Sorry, I know I’m slow, I just keep getting distracted! I want to read them all. Right now.”

Adele laughed, “I get it. Why do you think I own a bookstore? It was honestly less expensive than buying everything I wanted to read. Well, I mean, I guess I did buy everything I wanted to read, just all at once.”

Gloria smiled at her boss, “I really do love this job. I just want you to know. I know a lot of people hate coming to work, but it’s one of my favorite things. I’m actually kind of disappointed that I will have to go back to parttime when school starts again.”

“You are always welcome here, any hours you can work, or just to hang out and read if you want. I like the company as well as the help. But now I need you to get those books on the shelf so I can sell them and keep the lights on!”

“Got it, boss!”

Gloria got back to unpacking the latest shipment. Monday night was her favorite night of the week. Right after close they got to open the boxes marked DO NOT OPEN UNTIL… and see what new releases were out. She often had a book or two she was looking forward to and knew it was in one of those boxes, but other times she was completely surprised. Either by a brand-new release or by the next in a series she didn’t realize was coming. She also felt like she was getting away with something by opening and reading a little bit Monday night even though the official release wasn’t until Tuesday.

It was like Christmas every week. Especially because Adele would have a cup of peppermint tea waiting for her as soon as she finished. They would sit together and drink their tea and talk about the new releases. Not just because they both loved books, but because they needed to know what was out and what they were about as soon as the doors opened on Tuesday. Working in the bookstore was a lot like working in a library that way. People assumed if you were behind the counter you knew about every book in the place.

She didn’t. But she was trying to.

“Other than missing seeing me every day, are you ready for a new semester?”

“I am. I’m only carrying three classes, but they will be intense, and then all that is left is shadowing for a semester to get my teaching license.”

“And are you excited about starting that?”

“I have always wanted to be an English teacher.”

“That’s not exactly an answer.”

Gloria smiled, “I guess it isn’t. I mean I’ve wanted to be an English teacher since I was in elementary school. It’s all I’ve ever thought about doing. I love books, I love to read, I love to talk about them, I always have. Ellie is going to be a writer and I am going to be a teacher. That’s always been the plan.”

Adele nodded, “I’ve found that sometimes when we get what we always wanted, we find that it was what we wanted, not what we want.”

Gloria drank her tea and thought about what Adele was saying. She would be lying if she said she hadn’t had doubts about teaching at times. That sometimes teaching seemed like a dream she used to have. A path that she saw when she didn’t realize there were a lot of paths to choose.

“It would be a little late to change now. I’m almost through with school and my scholarship wouldn’t cover another four years.”

“So, you have actually thought about doing something else. It’s not always been teaching.”

“Ellie is so sure about being a writer. Everything she does is to push her in that direction. Classes she takes. Clubs she joins. People she seeks out to talk to. It’s all in the service of being a writer. Which, I’ve done a lot of that toward teaching as well. Really single minded about classes and what would make me a better English teacher especially. But the difference seems to be that she’s really joyful about it and I am really working at it. Does that make sense? Like I noticed last year that I was working on a paper for a class and really wanted to be doing anything else. Reading a book, watching a TV show, going for a walk, just anything. The paper was drudge work. Which I get it, sometimes classwork is like that. But Ellie never seems to have that problem.”

“Maybe she does and just hasn’t talked about it? Maybe she feels the same way you do but since you have both ‘always’ wanted to be these things she feels like she would be letting you down to admit maybe she wants something different?”

“No, not Ellie. She’s scrupulously honest about everything. If she had doubts, she’d tell me. And trust that I would understand.”

“And yet, you don’t trust her for the same?”

“No, I totally trust her I…” Gloria stopped. She hadn’t trusted Ellie to talk to her about maybe not wanting to teach. She had never stopped her when she described their plans, Ellie was going to write, Gloria was going to teach. It had always been the plan.

“I think maybe, it’s that I just didn’t want her to know that maybe I don’t want this. Maybe teaching will be great, but maybe it won’t. That, if I could, I would try something else, but I don’t have the freedom to do that. Not like Ellie. She could tell her parents she wanted to pursue 12 more degrees and they would just write the check and let her do it. I need to get a job as soon as graduation is over. I need to have one lined up before graduation actually. I don’t have the freedom she does. I think I didn’t want to tell her because I didn’t want to make her feel bad about that. Or maybe I didn’t want to seem jealous. Which I’m not. I mean not really. I’m envious. Which is the one that’s okay? Jealousy or envy? I can never remember.”

“The one that’s “okay” is the one that you are feeling at the time. The one that motivates you to make any changes you want to. And sometimes no changes. You can be envious of something someone has, or does, without even wanting it for yourself. We’re complicated beings you know. I think maybe there are few books around here that talk about that.”

“That’s true. Thank you.”

Adele took one last sip of her tea before getting up to leave, “There are multiple ways to be a teacher you know.”

Books Chapter Fourteen

Water, Water, Everywhere...

The hurricane couldn't have come at a more inopportune time for her. Not that she was lacking in empathy or sympathy for all of the communities suffering from catastrophic flooding but she was trying to get the committee to focus on the lack of water caused by receding glaciers. 

People as a whole, however, are very short sighted. If you show them a flood in front of their eyes, with massive amounts of rushing water, they would not readily accept what you were telling them about the lack of running water in regions where historically that had never been an issue. 

She hadn't intended on becoming a climate change expert. She had never thought she would be studying long term patterns in weather. Had never imagined she would lay awake at night worrying about a fraction of a degree in worldwide temperature change or the receding of a glacier she had never seen before. But when she was 20 years old she and her father had stood on the island and looked out at a water line that was lower than he had ever remembered it being so she started to study. 

And her area was difficult even with people who understood the science. Who believed that humans were responsible for a quickening in climate shifts. Most people who studied the receding glaciers were looking at arctic ice. And that melting led to flooding. To entire islands and coastal communities being swallowed by the ocean. 

Her concern was with the mountain glaciers. The one that fed icy streams. The streams joining into rivers. The rivers forming lakes. The lakes surrounding islands. Isolated pockets of land fully surrounded by running water. 

Her family had been the caretakers of one such island for hundreds and hundreds of years. Generations of her forebears had maintained the land. From the first to set foot on the island through to her. She had faith in her ancestors. She knew they had done what needed to be done. 

But she also knew they had chosen the island because of its location. 

Surrounded by running water. 

What happened when the water dried up? 

Or went still?

She had been in contact with other families who had other pieces of land they maintained. They all had worries. 

Including some worrying about massive flooding. What happened if the community washed away? If entire sections of land were washed out, drug down river, redeposited someplace else. And everything that was in it went too?

What happened to consecrated ground if it mixed with a mudslide from further up the mountain? How much unconsecrated soil would be enough to dilute the mixture? To take it from hallowed ground to just dirt? 

There were a lot of things to worry about. 

Right now her main worry was the glacier. It was receding. The streams might be drying up. The water might stop running. And then her island would no longer be hallowed ground surrounded by running water. It would just be hallowed ground.

If it even was still hallowed after this many centuries. And no priests knew the prayers to say anymore to consecrate it in the way it needed done. They had let that knowledge go by the wayside. Called it superstition. Old folk tales. Nonsense. 

Nobody believed in vampires anymore. 

Except for the families that were tasked with watching over the hallowed ground.

Surrounded by running water. 

She really needed them to listen to her. 

Oh How Things Don't Change...

Last Year

Today is Katie's birthday so I've spent the past couple of days thinking about how much things change. And how quickly they seem to move even though at the time it's very slow. 

And then I read the blog I linked up there from last year...

And nothing changes. 

I mean the media is still doing it's damnedest to try and both sides are the same the political parties. Only now they are not at all concerned about the oldest man ever running for President and his obvious mental decline. Because well, Biden dropped out so they'd have to talk about Trump instead of sanewashing his speeches. 

Sanewashing. 

Who knew we'd ever have a word like that in common vernacular. 

But they do it all the time. Watch the clips from his rallies and then read the headlines and try to reconcile what he said with how they reported it. 

Every once in awhile now you are seeing some accurate representation of how unhinged he's become but I think that's a sign of how bad it is instead of any sort of journalistic integrity. There is only so much they can paper over. And if Harris wins then they want to be able to say "See! We weren't biased!"

Unh hunh...sure. 

Focus some more on if she ever worked at McDonald's and asking her about "turning Black" and then get back to me about how you are good journalists who deserve a cookie. 

There are very few things that frustrate me more than when people declare there is no difference between the parties. Or when they pick their pet issue and try to say that because there is no purity in the Dems for what they want then they just have to vote third party or not vote at all. Right now we have a two party system. We do not have a system that would put a third party candidate in office. And even if for some freak storm there was a path for a third party candidate to become president (which again, there isn't) they would have no coalition in Congress to move their agenda forward. 

I'm a huge fan of the idea of ranked choice voting. So we can get more options. So we could get a Congress and a President in there that represents a wider swath of people. However, we don't have that right now. So like it or not it will be the Dem or the Repub in office. And if you want to try and tell me that somehow Trump would be better for Palestinians than Harris would (just to choose a one issue issue) I know you are not a serious person and you can go fuck yourself. 

I'm also not willing to throw away all of the good that a Harris/Walz ticket could do because they are both gun owners. Spoiler alert, a lot of Democrats own guns. We live in the United States after all. A lot of us are the textbook definition of responsible gun owners. Like I leave mine in the gun safe even when I know that the Patriot Prayer and Proud Boys pukes are downtown just itching for a fight. 

We need to change things in our politics and one of the things we need to change is to stop lying that both sides are the same. They aren't. And if you are part of a marginalized group, or have family or friends who are then you know this. 

Check your registration. 
Vote. 

And miss me with the both sides are the same bullshit.