And Go!

Easing my way back into my routines. Which of course would all be blown up this week because of the holiday anyway. But starting to ease back in. 

It's interesting because I really wasn't that sick with Covid. Not like you think of being sick. I had a fever for basically a day. I had a little dry cough that would come and go but it was like *cough, cough* done for another 8 hours. I was really congested for two days. I had a random headache but nothing that was bad. Like a head unpleasant. I've been much sicker with colds for sure. But the fatigue...oh my goodness the fatigue. 

And that's still here. We went to a hockey game on Friday (I tested negative on Thursday) and I only made it through two periods before we headed home. I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open. At a HOCKEY game. And today we are going to go see a musical but it was supposed to be go to the musical then go to the hockey game and we are skipping the hockey game because I cannot imagine I would be able to stay perky enough for that long to enjoy it. 

And my lungs are finally, I want to say clearing, but it's not like when you have a phlegmy cough or that sort of lung congestion. They've just felt heavy. Like breathing was a little harder than normal. Diminished capacity for sure. But that is finally starting to lift. Which I have to think is tied to the exhaustion. Not getting enough oxygen makes you tired.

So now I'm ready to start facing the world again. I mean I still have a bum arm so it's still going to be light work until I can get the procedure done and go through rehab, but pre Covid routine anyway. 

Which means sitting down to write (aren't you lucky that you are getting a health update/planning document to start?) and tomorrow I am going to try and workout. 

I haven't been on the treadmill, which is what I was reduced to since I can't lift weights right now, in two weeks. I told Brent I can't decide if I'm feeling so sluggish because I'm still recovering or if I'm feeling so sluggish because I haven't been able to work out. He said yes. Which is most likely true. 

Now, I do not believe I will be able to go at the pace or the length I was doing before I got sick. I don't feel like I have that level of energy or lung capacity yet. But at least I'll try and do SOMETHING. And start building back up. 

Because I need to move to be able to continue moving. And that's my biggest priority. I want to live to be 100 but a healthy 100 not a husk of my former self 100. So that means getting moving again. 

So here we are. At the end of my personal pandemic (now endemic) saga and ready to start back on daily life. 

And I'm really thankful for that. Even though we are past the part where people were dying by the thousands from this. Even though it's become just part of life that people get Covid and are home sick for a bit. Even though it's not that big of a deal anymore...Even though.  Ann still died from Covid and I still get a little bit of panic each time someone I know tests positive. Including me. 

I think a lot of us are still suffering from a little Covid induced PTSD and it's okay. It was a huge trauma we all went through together. I think it would be weird if we weren't a little shell shocked over it. 

But now the trick is to get moving again. 

Plague Days...

Just an update blog on the week. 

...

And there it is. 

Thank you. 

Kidding. I mean sort of but not really. 

I spent the week sitting on the couch for the most part. Everytime I would do anything it required a lot of sitting time afterward. The exhaustion was real. 

Yesterday was peak whiny sick time. That's one of the levels of sick we have in our house. We have barely sick, sort of sick, whiny sick and really sick.  Whiny sick is when you are sick enough that you can't go do anything but not sick enough that you just want to sleep. It's the bored as fuck of being sick part. The will this ever end point. That was yesterday. 

Today I feel better than I have since Saturday night. Which yesterday morning I felt really good too until around 10 AM and then WHAM! Just so tired. So I think that's why it went from this isn't terrible to I HATE THIS SO MUCH. 

But today, today at 11:30 AM I still feel better than I have. I'm just a little run down instead of totally exhausted. 

Which means we are entering the really difficult portion of the illness. The part where I want to do all the thing instead of continuing to recover. Which with Covid is a bad idea. Rebound sick is a real thing with this virus. Tricky little bastard. So I will try my best to continue to just sit. 

Which I have to tell you either really sucks, or it's a good letting go process for me. Depends on when you ask me. 

My various streaks and goals and gold stars are all slipping away. Unless I feel well enough to walk a little bit on the treadmill tomorrow, this will be the first week in basically a year that I didn't work out at all. There is no way (considering it's Friday) that I will write more days than I didn't write this week. There is a really strong chance I will have no piece to send to Dana on Sunday. The iFit series for this month still has 8 workouts left to complete to get my little virtual badge and since everything and everyone says that even when I'm better working out is going to be a "couple minutes at a time" process of easing back in the odds are strong I won't complete that for the first time in over two years. 

All of my shiny bits are slipping out of my grasp. 

I told Brent about this and he was like, yeah, so? You have to take care of yourself, that's all that matters. And I totally get it. Logically. I mean I'm not forcing myself out to the gym. I didn't even try to write when all I could muster was staring at the wall. But it still sort of sucks. 

Or... it's a really good forced stop. 

Because, let's face it, none of us were positive that when 2023 rolled to 2024 I would be able to stop making little goals lists for myself. Being in a position where I have to stop might just be a good thing. 

I mean, I have plenty of time to wrap up 2023 with the numbers I wanted to hit, just maybe not at the pace I was keeping. And even if I don't, I set up those goals in January before I decided in August that maybe they don't serve me anymore. 

So we will see. That might be the positive that comes out of a week of slammed down doing nothing. 

As far as being actually sick goes, it's been like a cold. A bad cold at times. I've had some fever spikes, a headache here and there, a little dry cough that comes and goes and some serious congestion for a few days. The hardest part to manage has been how tired I have been. If you've ever had mono it's like that. But even my tiredness wasn't as bad as Brent's when he had it last year. He sleep probably 18 hours a day. Not straight but he couldn't stay awake for more than an hour or so without needing a little cat nap at least. So even my stare at the wall state of being was a little better than that. 

I'm hopeful that the trajectory is now solidly on the feeling better swing. And I'm hopeful that Brent continues to be healthy. We made it through his round of Covid last year without me getting it so we are really hopeful we do the flip this time. 

Thank you to everyone for your concern. Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts. Thank you for listening to me whine. 

I'm going to pull one of the fiction pieces I wrote for Dana earlier in the year and post it today as well. Doesn't really count as writing more days than not, but it will make me feel better about the weekly number at least. 

Yeah, I'm working on that no goal thing. I've still got a month and half...

Three Years...

Well I made it three years. Was starting to get really cocky and thinking I'd never catch it. We have friends who have had it multiple times and almost everyone I know has had it at least once. I was one of dwindling number who hadn't ever caught it. I thought, maybe all of those colds I had growing up finally proved helpful!

Well, no. 

Bummer.

Woke up yesterday morning and was just really tired. But that was understandable. Tig had woken up a few times during the night and when he wakes up he wakes up one (or both) of us for cuddles before he goes back to sleep. It's super sweet really, but it's also exhausting when you are woken up a few times and have a hard time getting back to sleep. So Saturday morning I was tired. When I sat down in Sara's chair and got a look at my face with those bright salon lights I thought, "Holy shit, you look even more tired than you feel! Eek!" 

Yesterday evening I was FREEZING. Wearing jeans, a long sleeve shirt and covered with a blanket and just could not get warm. Brent was fine and it was 72 in the house so I decided maybe I should take my temperature. Oh well, 101.9 that explains it. I'm not freezing, I'm feverish. Grabbed one of the Covid tests "just to make sure" because I've got a lot to do this week that is people centric. Really expected it to be fine. 

And nope.

Fuck. 

Sent a message to Sara letting her know that I had germed all over her that morning. Which fucking sucks. I mean it really does. She is back to wearing masks at work because people are germ factories and keep sliming her but still...I didn't think I would be one of them! We have been really consistent about not going out if we don't feel well, just in case, and testing when we've been exposed, just to make sure, and all of that good stuff. And then...

I slimed her. 

Ugh. 

So I feel really awful about that. 

And I am cranky that this means I'll have to reschedule my elbow work. I am not looking forward to the initial recovery and pain that was promised, but I am SO ready to actually be able to grip things again. So now I'll have to wait on that. 

And I'm cranky that we are going to miss the Thorns playoff game. Or miss it live at least. Last home game of the year and I'll be watching from the couch. Bummer.

But other than that it's actually not that bad, so far, and hopefully it stays this way. 

I've been describing it as a bad cold. But it's not even that bad of a bad cold. The fever yesterday was a lot but so far today it's not been bad. There is an annoying little dry cough and when I was talking to Katie today I could feel my voice just giving out and had to end the call while I could still make noise. A little congestion. A little tired. But honestly I don't even feel as bad as I did from the side effects of the first doses of the vaccine. Fingers crossed it doesn't get worse and that it doesn't linger.

And, of course that Brent doesn't end up with it and that Sara's mask protected her so she doesn't as well. 

But there you go. I made it all the way through the pandemic years and didn't catch it until we reached endemic stage. I guess that's something? Also am fully fully vaxxed so I have to think that's a big part of why my symptoms are so mild.

Looking back now knowing that I have it I think I probably was sick starting as early as Thursday but not in a way I would have noticed if it hadn't progressed. See Thursday night over Friday I was really hot overnight. I thought it was just bad hot flashes but they were longer lasting than normal and didn't have that rolling heat feeling that I normally get, but still, hot over night is not unusual. Now I think I was probably spiking a fever and just didn't realize it. And Friday when I was drying off after my shower I had a pain in my armpit. Like a little swelling and tenderness. I thought maybe it was an ingrown hair and I would keep an eye on it, now I think, oh...probably lymph node was churning. And then the tiredness Saturday morning. 

Nothing that isolated I would ever think about for long, but now looking at them all together I think maybe it was just a really slow roll of symptoms. 

So keep an eye out for those sneaky symptoms. And remember no matter how cocky you are feeling it's still out there. 

Bummer.

Three Years In A Nutshell...

Three years ago today I made a post that foreshadowed what was to come and I didn't even realize it at the time. 

We had just gotten home from Disneyworld and made a grocery trip to restock the house after being gone for a few weeks. The grocery store and Target were ransacked. Entire sections of shelves were empty. The stocker told us they had been trying to restock and keep up but that they hadn't expected to be slammed like that and they just didn't have items to put back on the shelves. 

It was the first wave of pandemic buying. 

At the time we had three cases in Oregon (all of them in our county) and one suspected death. That was it. But it was enough for people to start thinking that maybe this mystery virus was actually a threat.

I'll be honest, I wasn't there yet. I still was in the camp of treating it just like you would any other sickness. Stay home if you don't feel well, Wash your hands frequently. Don't touch people if you don't have to.  Reading through some of my Corona Chronicles I can see when the shift started to happen. More to the just stay home part. As cases grew and we got more and more information we really tried to follow best recommendations. But three years ago today? Still in the wash your hands and stay home if you don't feel well camp.

Now here's where the foreshadowing really gets going. The supplies, sure, that was part of it. We had no idea how bad it was going to get. How wiped the stores were going to be, how long we were going to wait to be able to buy toilet paper, for instance. I was really glad we had a basic supply of things in the house but we got really lean there at the end. Our supply chains were broken. 

But in the comments there was someone who "heard on the radio" a stat. That stat made my "that doesn't seem right" sense go off so I did what I do and I looked it up. It didn't seem right because it wasn't. So I did what I do and corrected them, with links to the actual numbers and where I found them. You know, facts. Their response was not "oh, wow, thanks, I'll never say this again" their response was to argue with me that I was wrong. That that was just like my opinion, man. And I kept saying no, look, I've given you source documents, but they weren't having any of that, because it didn't fit with what they wanted it to be. 

In reading some of the older posts this morning there was a blog post from me a few weeks past that date lamenting the fact that the President was using that same bogus number in speeches, over and over again. And it didn't matter how many times it was fact checked and news organizations corrected him he continued to use it so other people continued to say it. 

March 1, 2020 I didn't realize that what I was seeing was how the entire pandemic was going to go, in my early blogs I was actually hopeful about the country pulling together, and maybe even that this mystery virus would put an end to anti-vaxx bullshit. And...well...

It didn't matter what the facts were. It still doesn't. It matters how you feel about things. Instead of fuck your feelings we've reached peak fuck your facts. I had no idea how bad it would get. 

And it's still going on today. I mean just this week you've seen the conservosphere just lose their damn minds because the Department of Energy said that they were changing their opinion and saying the virus came from the lab in Wuhan. They think this happened but with low confidence. Which is like what? That's a big bet hedger phrase. But it boils down to...we still don't have consensus even in our own government where it came from, how it started. But that didn't stop the rush of posts and articles this week. Most of them with really sensationalized headlines, and a lot of them that nobody read past the headline because you got the hot takes of China created this virus to unleash on the world for...reasons. 

None of that is what they concluded. 

The other part you are seeing is the conservosphere "sticking it to the lefties!" who all insisted that it couldn't have come from the lab. Well, that's why I went to double check my blogs. I mean, I knew what I had thought, and I was pretty sure I wrote about it, and I did. In April of 2020 I wrote that I believed it came from the lab. That the lab had already been cited for not following good safety protocols. And the lab was studying coronavirus in bats so it made sense to me that that is where it came from. And then I did this weird thing and said, but I didn't know for sure. 

Because I didn't. I still don't. I mean, the wet market thing is also a possibility. But I still feel like it was probably the lab. I don't think it was a virus created, I think it was a studied virus. I mean if the Chinese were creating it as a bioweapon and they released it as such, wouldn't they have waited to release it until they had their population vaccinated? And why would they release it in Wuhan? I mean, release it in New York City right? 

And I don't know that we will ever know for sure, because China isn't sharing information any more. Not that they were sharing a lot at the beginning, but they for sure aren't now. So we have speculation. 

But what we don't have is proof that China created a bioweapon and released it and SO THERE you stinking libs!

The facts don't support that. 

Yeah, I know, fuck the facts, what do you feel about it?

It was an interesting post to read, knowing where we are now. The virus is endemic, we are all handling it the way we are comfortable handling it. A mishmash of ways for sure. I know we are more careful than some and less than others in our daily lives. 

We aren't sure if Katie has or hasn't had it. We think so but aren't positive. We know for sure Brent had it and had the rebound as well, though seems to have skipped long Covid which is great. I have never tested positive despite being exposed multiple times. 

I also know that the worst foreshadowing happened in one of my early blogs when we were all starting the staying home and social distancing routines. I mentioned talking to Brent's mother to make sure she was okay and that I was worried she wasn't taking it very seriously even though she was in the highest risk factors in multiple areas. I will never know when or how she picked up the virus exactly but I do know it killed her. And I know that makes me much less tolerant of people who fuck the facts and want to run on conspiracy theories and feelings. 

I'm not sure where we go from here with the virus. I think it's just part of our lives now, and we will all do what we feel is best for ourselves and our families. 

Basically for us we are back to, wash your hands, stay home if you're feeling sick, keep up on your vaccines, don't hoard groceries and I wear a mask when the crowds are very crowdy. 

Stay safe.

Remember to follow the facts and that means reading beyond headlines. 

And for fuck's sake, don't spread false information. 

Couldn't Hide Forever...

It's been a long time since I had an installment of the Pandemic Diaries. 

We had thought we might be the odd ones out. Neither Brent nor I had ever tested positive. Even with him travelling during the peak of it all. Katie had a telemed diagnosis early on in 2020 but never actually had a test (there weren't ones yet) and thinks she probably didn't actually have it considering what else we learned about symptoms and duration later. 

People all around us caught it. We lost family and friends at the beginning to it. Our friends who hadn't caught it before started catching it this summer as the new variants hit. We know a few people who have had it repeatedly, but not us. Still Covid free heading into 2023!

And then...

I was sick a couple of weeks ago. Nasty head cold. Congestion and some lethargy. A little touch of laryngitis. Brent never caught my cold and I tested a few times with no Covid. Then Sunday he started to get a pull in his throat. We were trying to figure out if it was my cold. It would have been about 14 days after I first got symptoms but maybe it was that long of a gestation? But then his symptoms started to progress in a different way. Fever when I didn't have one. Really intense congestion where I had a congestion but also a runny nose. And I felt bad the first day of full blown symptoms then progressively better each day after whereas he's felt progressively worse each day. 

And then this morning he had a fever of 102. 

Took his third Covid test since Sunday and this one came back positive. 

Well hell. 

We did not escape the germs. 

Got Dr. McCormick on the phone and did a telehealth visit and she called in a Paxlovid prescription for him. He'll start that tonight and hopefully by tomorrow night will feel much better. 

And hopefully Katie and I don't catch it. 

We aren't doing the isolation thing. Figure he was probably the most contagious Sunday and Monday before he really got cooking on symptoms and we have all been around each other the whole time. The house is also all one floor, all one ventilation system so it's not like we have someplace to go where germs won't drift. We are fully vaxxed and fairly healthy so if we get it, we get it. 

It would be a bummer considering we are heading into a holiday weekend so she and I might not be able to get the Paxlovid, but that's the way the nose runs sometimes. 

I'm also glad that Katie and I chose to wear our masks this week as we ran errands everywhere. With Brent having a cold we figured even though he was at home we could be contagious so it was the polite thing to do. Now that I know he has Covid not a cold I'm really glad we went with polite. 

Which, honestly, it bums me out that more people aren't following that rule. We hear people out now all the time just coughing and snuffling and no masks in sight. We learned nothing from the past few years. Except that protecting people from your germs is somehow not your job?

I don't get it. I don't think I ever will get it. 

Not like Covid...which it looks like I'm totally going to get. 

Nothing like finishing the challenge writing fever dream fiction! 

Good luck to us all... 

Philosophy...

Reading just gets you in trouble. No wonder everyone wants books banned. You read them and then get new ideas and try and be better and then someone calls you dumb, or at least you think that's what they are doing but since they are only speaking in meme you aren't exactly sure what their point is, and someone else starts in on psy-ops and how we're all sheep and you're like...okay, fine, whatever, I'm burning that book. You win. 

So let me back up...

Just finished How to Be Perfect: The Correct Answer to Every Moral Question by Michael Schur. He's the guy who created The Good Place television show. And basically this is sort of that in book form. In that it's like the sampler platter of moral philosophers and their movements. I've read a few on my own and read other people explaining them as well. The whole understand this and you will know how to live feeling. 

Of course the problem is that they all disagree with each other so you end up just kind of spinning your wheels. (Chidi on The Good Place) And the other problem is that sometimes there really aren't good answers no matter what path you try and follow (the whole theme of The Good Place) So what do you do?

It was a good book. Interesting overview of a lot of different schools of thought. Very funny and a good thought provoker. It also led me to renewing my commitment to trying to mellow the fuck out. 

I realized that I probably needed to renew that commitment when I watched the State of the Union address and President Biden gave his four things we can all agree on ending. I think it was four? Anyway, his SURELY these are bipartisan things and we can all agree portion. And I thought, well, dude, you've now made them things we cannot agree on because you said them. Rain is wet is not something we can all agree on if you say it. Tucker Carlson will have a whole "Is rain actually wet, I'm just asking a question." segment ready to go and we will all be arguing...IT'S WET! JUST TOUCH IT! to I've been to the OCEAN, that's WET. This isn't even CLOSE to wet. 

I rolled my eyes and gave a tsch to the President of the United States of America for daring to insinuate that we could possibly be a United States of America over ANYTHING.

So...that makes me part of the problem doesn't it? 

I hate being part of the problem.

But then it gets complicated because there are real, actual, differences between sides of the aisle right now that I am NEVER going to find common ground over. So what should I do?

Which brings us to one of my guiding principles, do the best you can with what you have. 

I mean, it's that simple. We can only do the best we can, do the most good possible, with what we have.

For me that means doing what we do with charitable giving (technically that's doing good with what Brent has but it counts!), and also that means that if I know something that I think is important to share I need to make sure I share it. If I think I can do good by opening my mouth then keeping my mouth closed shouldn't be my choice. 

You all know I go back and forth with this all the time. The benefit:pain ratio. And what I tend to come to is the realization that I need to do what feels right to me and if it does good then great, if it doesn't then at least I know I tried and hopefully I didn't cause harm. 

Which leads us back up to that opening paragraph and burning the damn book. 

One of my conservative friends posted a mini screed against masking this morning. Basically that he saw someone out walking by themselves wearing a mask. There was a whole other chunk in there about fear and mandates and won't someone think of the children but I thought, You know what? I can address this part about the guy out by himself. I've talked about this before. To this friend and a few other friends who posted about people in cars by themselves wearing their masks and why would they do that?

BUT...I know what happens when I post on this person's page. I might be one of 4 liberal friends he has and I'm pretty sure he's got over a thousand Facebook friends. Anytime I've posted something that disagreed with him I've been savaged by his friends. Or at least they've tried, bless their hearts. And to be perfectly fair it happens to him on my page where he is one of probably 30 (I grew up religious and my family still is) conservatives amongst my few hundred friends. So generally when he posts something I just read it and walk away. The benefit does not outweigh the pain. 

If we were talking one on one we might reach some sort of understanding or at least a stopping point but when other people come in and start to add their two cents it's too much. And they always come. I envision a large group of his friends like the cartoon with the bulldog walking and the little dog jumping all around him, "Want to chase some cars, Spike?" just trying really hard to impress him and let him know they think he's the greatest. (Again, to be fair, he feels the same about my friends, he has told me he thinks they just agree with me on my page to be nice, umm...no they agree with me because they are all EXTRAORDINARILY brilliant.)

BUT...I had just finished that book. And one of my workouts today was preparation for a cleansing ceremony in the Mayan tradition and I'm supposed to think about things I want to change and improve on before the next workout and the actual ceremony (super interesting, sounds weird writing about it, but it's super interesting). So I've got my, hey, you, do the most good you can with what you have and right now the most good you can do is explain that there is nothing wrong or even all that weird about that guy. Even if you get push back, it's okay. You might not. You might actually make someone think, you know what? You're right. I don't know and it's not hurting me at all so why do I even care? And why have I made this whole thing about political lines and divisions anyway? Maybe it's time to see it for what it was, and start to move past! And then there would be a The More You Know shooting star rainbow and the world would...

Not work that way. The discussion between us was not super productive, a little bit of goal post moving and whataboutism. But I'm still thinking, do the best you can with what you have, remind him that for some of us this whole it's not a big deal attitude is actually really hurtful. And then the friends show up...and like I said, one called me stupid (I think, again meme that was one of those that is supposed to make you think it's deep and profound but actually means something ENTIRELY different if you know anything about well anything) and another who let me know the whole Covid thing has been a psy-ops creation for control and IT WORKED.

I sent him a private message saying I'm out. And that was that. 

So did I do any good? Who knows. One of the times I braved the space that is his page I ended up with a friend request from one of his few liberal friends who is just lovely and I'm glad to have her in my digital life and so I'm grateful for that. Maybe one of the three others saw my post and thought, well, at least I'm not the only one to think that. And maybe one of his conservative friends might read it and think, Hey, maybe I'm a little quick to judge someone in a mask just like some people in masks have been a little quick to judge me.

Maybe. 

Or maybe I need to figure out how to burn a digital book. 

February Doldrums...

 I'm writing the first quarter off. Just so you know. The monthly goals are falling apart. The move is doing a number on my head. The brink of nuclear war is taking up space in there as well. Along with massive flooding in Australia, the worry over lifting the mask mandates everywhere while at the same time trying to be hopeful about it. It's all a bit much. So I'm just going to go back to that original idea I had in the end of December of revisiting the goals at the end of the first quarter after the move is done. Though now the move has been moved out a month and I really think it will be June before I'm settled, so let's look at goals in July shall we? 

So...nuclear war? How odd is it to have that top of mind again? Brent and I were talking about it this weekend then I talked to our kid as well. When we (Brent and I) were teenagers none of us believed we would avoid nuclear war. It was just kind of an accepted belief that we would go for as long as we could and then oh yeah, Cold War becomes Hot and we die. 

The plan (growing up in New Mexico where missiles and labs are located) was to run outside when the first launches happened so we would die in the initial blast and not have to die slowly from radiation sickness or starvation. It's why a large cohort of Gen X considers themselves at least passive nihilists. We grew up watching people talk about peace while hovering over the big red destroy everything button. Hard to believe there is a real truth when that's your foundation. And the ones that were more active than passive nihilists grew up to be Republicans and are doing their best to reject all moral foundations so... (I'm not even sure if I'm kidding about that anymore)

So anyway, here we are, the closest to actual nuclear war than we've been since I was a teenager (Putin put his "defense" on high alert over the weekend as the invasion of Ukraine didn't go exactly as he thought it would. Now he's holding nukes over their heads as they offer to talk). The speeches we are seeing Putin make show what happens when an autocrat starts to really lose his grip. Grip on his mind and grip on his power. It's really frightening. And it's possible this is going to lead to WWIII, The Nuclear Edition. 

And my mind is right back in the space that it was as a teen. 

We read stories about what is going on. We realized we could all end up dying in a nuclear blast after all. And then we went to the opening game of the MLS season and cheered on the Timbers. 

When I was talking to my kid about it I said I had thought about it a few years ago. That living with the feeling that we could all die if the leaders of the "free world" decided to get their backs up about something. I wasn't sure when I was rethinking it if the just sort of detached acceptance that there was nothing I could do so I would just live was a reflection of being a teenager. If it would be different as an adult. Especially after living life pretty sure that the nuclear threat, though still there, was really low. And now I know. It has nothing to do with age. It's just the way to deal with it. 

I cannot control what Putin does. I cannot control how we respond. I can send money to help Ukrainians who have been bombed out of their homes. (Those conventional weapons can do plenty of damage, no nukes needed) I can remind people here about who has supported Putin when it comes times for elections, but even that I can't figure out how to make them see how badly their party has betrayed them. I basically am revisiting the whole nothing really matters because nothing is in my control life of a teen as an adult. 

But now with the added twist of understanding that though nothing really matters because nothing is in my control; everything around me matters. 

What?

Nothing matters so everything matters. Nothing matters because I have no control over it. I can't make things happen or not happen in exactly the way I want them to happen or not happen. But everything then matters because I have no control over what is going to happen. 

Every moment I get with the people I love matters because there is a chance it will be the last. (Thank you pandemic for reinforcing this one)

Every fun thing we get to go do matters because there is a chance that the world will close down or blow up and won't get to do them anymore. 

The small moments matter. The big moments matter. It all matters. Because it might be all we have left. Because nothing matters anymore. 

I've turned into an optimistic nihilist or a nihilistic optimist. Or I guess I should say I've shown that I never stopped being that. I just used to pretend to be more purely optimistic. Or at least I used to pretend to myself. Brent says I've never really changed and that anyone who knows me would say that optimistic nihilist is pretty much who I am. I'm kind and believe people are usually trying their best but are still mostly assholes so fuck those guys. 

So the goals are on hold while we all just focus on survival.

Mask mandates are being lifted, people have settled into their hardened vaccine or anti-vaccine camps. 

Omicron cases are fading but the virus lives on.

I'm hopeful that we are into the endemic life adjusts to normal phase, but I was hopeful about that last year the first time mask mandates were lifted and the Delta variant came out to play. So...hopeful but not positive.

I'm hoping that Putin doesn't completely lose his mind and use his nukes.

I'm hoping that the invasion is pushed back and the Russians don't continue to carve up Ukraine and Ukrainians. 

I'm hoping that the Republicans and the Libertarians that have spent decades preaching that caring for others as much as you care about yourself is weakness, fail. I'm hoping that somehow through the end of the pandemic, the devastation in Australia and other parts of the world from extreme weather and fire events, the threat of nuclear war and any of the other catastrophes we have brewing we end up in a world that considers what others need as well as our personal needs when making decisions. 

I'm hoping. But you all know how I feel about hope. 

It's what you do when there's nothing left you can do.

Because we can't really do anything. 

Nothing matters.

Everything matters.

And we March on...

Trying Truckers are Trying...

We are hopefully seeing the end of the pandemic and moving toward the endemic phase. Hopefully. A lot depends on what comes after Omicron. Which we don't know yet. But hopefully.

I think the long Covid issues are going to be the biggest problem. 

Not just the symptoms that some people can't shake after getting Covid but the fault lines Covid has shown in our society. 

Right now there is a convoy of trucks in Canada that has been blocking streets and protesting in front of their government buildings for weeks. They are also blocking the roads leading in and out from the USA at certain spots. They are mad (from what I've seen) about the vaccine requirements and that they have to show a card to cross back and forth. The whole anti-vaxx thing that has brewed up. 

And I get it. They will say they aren't anti-vaxx they are anti being forced by the government to get vaccinated. I'll say what I've said before, they aren't being forced to do anything. IF they want to keep the jobs they have they have to get vaccinated and get the card. IF they don't want to get vaccinated and get the card they have to find other jobs. It's a job requirement. Among a lot of other job requirements. 

Truckers have to have special driver's licenses that show they know how to operate the giant vehicles they are driving. 

Food handlers (at least here) have to get a food handlers card to show they know the safety around food prep.

When I was an LMT I had to get licenses from the state that showed I knew what I was doing and how to do it safely. 

Crossing the border during a pandemic is safer if you are vaccinated. If you don't want to be vaccinated, fine, then get a different job. 

I know that's not a popular opinion and I am supposed to be all for "forcing" everyone to get vaccinated or for not having any requirements at all around vaccinations but I'm not. I think vaccinations are a good idea. I think we should all get them. I think it's lousy that there is so much crazy misinformation out there about them. I think companies and businesses should be able to decide how they want to handle allowing people in their spaces. If they feel like during a pandemic they want everyone around them vaccinated? Okay. If they feel like they don't really care. Okay. Just let people know what they can expect so they know how they want to handle it. 

Like, not going to work for someplace that requires vaccinations if you don't want to get one. 
Like, not going to a restaurant that doesn't require them if you have people that are vulnerable. 

And weigh your options. Make your decisions. 

But, for fuck's sake, don't block roads and honk your horns and act like the world is in a big conspiracy against you because you are traveling across the border and back during a pandemic and your employer says you need to be safe to do so. And right now the science says this is what is safest. If you don't agree, find a new job. I'm also slightly second hand embarassed that a lot of the funding going toward those Canadian truckers is coming from conservatives here in the US doing it to keep the culture wars active for the midterms. 

That's the calm me. That's the do what you are going to do but stop acting like anyone is forcing you to do things. They aren't. You just don't want the consequences of your actions. You don't want to get the vaccine but you also don't want to be told you can't go someplace because you don't have the vaccine. You feel like being told no is being forced to do the other thing. It's not. And again, I totally get it, I hate being told no. But if it's something I feel strongly about it's not like being told no has ever changed my stance. 

The really pissed off me? That's the one that is just so fucking sick and tired of the whole thing. Get it or don't but shut the fuck up. Deal with it. And understand that people who have lost loved ones, people who have gotten really sick, people who have immunocompromised people in their families are going to be pissed off at you. And they get to be. You want to feel your feelings? Fine, but know they (we) are feeling ours as well. 

My grand niece got to go home today after a few days in the hospital from Covid. She's 7. You know that age that those anti-vaxx, anti-mask, anti-science people keep telling you can't get Covid? Or can't get that sick? They can. They do. It's a total crapshoot right now on who gets really sick and who doesn't. It's kind of been one all along. Some people have gotten drastically ill. Some have skated on with nothing much. Some have died. You don't know how it's going to affect you. You don't know how it's going to affect the next person. So why wouldn't you want to do whatever you could to protect everyone? To keep everyone as safe as you possibly could? 

Get the vaccine. 
Get your card. 
Keep your job.
Or find something else to do.
Stop acting like...well I would say a child, but that's insulting to children. 

Covidities...

In just sheer volume of people affected these past two weeks have been the highest, heaviest numbers of close Covid cases for us. Entire families have it. People who have already had it have it again. People who had avoided it the whole time have it. I was going to get coffee with a friend this morning and she woke up with a sore throat, which in the before times would have been "eh, up to you if you feel up to getting coffee" and now it was, "yeah, no. Stay home. For sure not worth the risk." Brent was supposed to be traveling for a conference that went from three days to two days to cancelled. Friday was supposed to be an in person event at work that was cancelled. Tomorrow's hockey game has been moved to Sunday to give time for players to clear Covid Protocols, last weekend two out of three games were cancelled.

It's been a lot of Covid.

The good news is that most of it has been fairly mild. A friend back in New Mexico was hit the worst. Her daughter caught it and two of her grand children. The babies ended up in the hospital with fairly serious issues. But they have gotten better, everyone came home. So that's a good ending. A few others are still in it right now and we are hoping it all stays on the very manageable side. 

So more Covid for sure but much less severe outcomes. It sucks, but it's not terrible. 

So we have gone into sort of a hybrid pandemic mode. Not as locked in as we were two years ago, not as free flowing as we were a few months ago. We went out to eat on Friday, the restaurant was serving a limited menu because of the call outs on staff. We got our haircut on Saturday and picked up our new car on Saturday so now we are home bound. My coffee date today was going to be outside and masked. Coffee to go after the visit was done. I just did Target and the grocery store on line again for the first time in months. If we are out and about for things, then we are home and watchful for symptoms for a few days after that. The cycle continues.

We also upgraded our masks. No lightweight cloth covers anymore. Now we are wearing the tighter fitted, sealed off, snug, sweat bombs. N95 and KN95 style. I found some that are fairly comfortable even though they look completely ridiculous. They are fitted on the sides like you want, but there is a lovely bit of space in front so it's not pressing right against your nose and mouth. Super nice. Except for the part where you look like a duck. But other than that...

And honestly I think we've all let go of a lot of vanity these past two years. I mean, clearly not all of it. And some of it came back after a brief hiatus. I led the charge in my group of friends on dying my hair again, but now probably half of my "let it go gray!" group is back to "color those roots!" And I'm not sure when I will go back to doing makeup on the bottom half of my face. I mean, I'm only hitting the top half about every 6th trip out places. So what I'm saying is; what's a little duck face?  

But here we are in the middle of a storm of Covid germs just sort of waiting for it to get us. Which is a different mindset as well. Before we were just doing everything we could to make sure it didn't happen. Now we are looking at it and saying, we're vaccinated and boosted and healthy overall so WHEN we get it, it shouldn't be too bad. 

Fairly resigned at this point. 

Which is good. It keeps us from becoming hermits I guess. Though we aren't treating it as a joke either. See the above, new masks, new exposure protocols. 

The experts are saying that this variant is as contagious as the measles and will blaze through all of us fairly quickly. It might even help get us to endemic levels with milder versions of the virus floating around but not as much to worry about. 

That would be nice but I'm past the point of "this is next" with this whole thing. What happens is what will happen. And we will adjust when we need to. And continue to hope that soon we will be living a fairly normal life again. Or adjusting enough to this version that we think of it as normal. 

Good luck to all of us. 

We're Still Doing This?

Remember last year this time when we were all full of hope about the new vaccines? How it looked like we were going to see the end of Covid? Good times...

Followed by really good hopeful times in the Spring when we all got our vaccines and started DOING stuff again! It was great. 

Then came Delta. And everything slammed shut again. Or at least they tried to slam it shut but once there is a foot in the door it doesn't slam so well. So we went back to masks and having to show proof of negative tests or vaccines and we thought well, maybe once this fades we will be back to normal again.

And then came Omicron and we are all just like...what the fuck?

Boosters and better masks and back to things being cancelled and...

It's not nearly as hopeful of an end of year as last year was.

The first time I wrote a blog about being in a pandemic I talked about how I wanted to capture what that felt like, how it was so surreal to actually know you are part of history while it's happening. 

That was almost two years ago.

And you know what is surreal now? How this is just life. How adaptable we all are. Or well most of us are. Most of us have just figured out how to make it work. What masks are the best or most comfortable. Which places we feel comfortable going. Which ones we don't. Getting our vaccines and our boosters. Just dealing. 

Or not. Omicron is making it's presence known in a different way. Super contagious. Vaccinated or not it looks like if you are around someone with it, you are getting it. They are saying it's as contagious as measles. 

As I type this World Juniors is being cancelled. Team USA had to forfeit a game yesterday, Czechia had to forfeit a game today, I am guessing there were a lot more coming and that was that. No tournament. 

College Football Bowl games have been cancelled, or other teams have stepped in. We are still hoping that the Michigan playoff game happens but maybe not. Positive cases are coming fast and furious again. 

It's really frustrating this time around. Because it's the REAL realization that this could be a forever thing. I mean, I've said it since it started that it was probably something we were just dealing with like the flu, but even logically knowing that, it still sucks to think maybe we were past the worst of it only to watch it flare back again. And to know that there are still people out there refusing to do the basics so they are providing incubators for more variants. Which then makes it more likely that we will keep doing this. And they will say things like, "I haven't changed my life and you did and look, you wasted your time and nothing changed!" Never grasping that it's because they didn't change that we are all stuck in this cycle. 

Frustrating. 

And the whole "I refuse to live in fear" like that's a virtue bullshit. I'm not asking you to live in fear, I'm asking you to take this seriously. I don't think you are hindering your non-fear based life by wearing a seatbelt in a car, or a helmet on a motorcycle, or by reading the directions before you just start popping painkillers. "Living in fear" is a great insult to throw at someone I guess. It makes you feel better. It makes you feel like you are doing the right thing. When you're just being an asshole. Because your lack of safety concern for yourself actually endangers all of us. That whole variant thing with the virus. Give it an incubator and watch it mutate. Yay...

And, like it or not, there are things to be afraid of. We've lost family and friends to death. The biggest fear. We've had friends get horrible cases and a few that are suffering from long haul Covid now. And a friend's son got the horrible heart issue side-effect from the vaccine. And we aren't the only ones who have seen these things. There are real things to be worried about. Death, illness, side-effects from the cure. All of these things are real. And we need to be aware and figuring out how to deal with them. 

And I get it, some people get the virus and wouldn't have even known they had it if they hadn't had to get tested, we have a few friends in that category as well. We've had friends get it and have a really mild set of symptoms as well. Just felt like a cold basically. Uncomfortable but nothing major. And we've had friends who got the vaccine who had zero side effects at all. Not even a day of feeling crappy. Just easy breezy.

And when all of those things happen the crowd that has never taken a precaution for the sake of someone else feels justified. They aren't sick. They don't know anyone who has died. They are pretty sure all of this is just made up. 

It's frustrating. 

Because it is scary.

And it isn't going away. 

We need to figure out how to balance safety and normalcy. 

We aren't there yet. And as Omicron rages through the world I don't know when we will get there. 

It's still surreal. But the most surreal part of it is how it's just real. All the time. This is life. 

Covid sucks, in all of it's mutations and variants. 

Here's to another year down, and hopefully next year it will be a remember when, not a still going on issue. 

Addendum To Yesterday...Now with 50% More Crank!

AND ANOTHER THING....

That's what I want to shout today.

First off never ever ever let someone tell you that the Universe doesn't have a wicked fucking sense of humor. Not more than 10 minutes after I posted yesterday's blog I got a text from Brent letting me know we had a Covid exposure situation. 

He had to go to work in the office yesterday. At the end of the work day someone he worked with all day got pinged that they had been exposed to someone else who tested positive for Covid. So now we are isolating until we find out if the middle point has Covid or if we are all in the clear. 

I'm hopeful. I mean they are all vaccinated. They wore masks most of the day. When the masks were off while they ate they were still socially distanced. So hopefully (first hope) the person doesn't have Covid at all so no worries. Second hope, if they have it, enough of the safety steps were taken to prevent anyone else from getting it. But we don't know right now so we are in a waiting pattern. Not going out and potentially infecting others BECAUSE WE DO THE WORK ON THE GROUP PROJECT!

But my main point of this blog is the bullshit.

I have a few areas of bullshit that are really bugging me. 

There is the personal, of course, those that want to talk about how awful all of this is...for them. You know it's just so bad to have to wear a mask, or get a shot, or stand a few feet away from people. It's just so haaarrrd. Meanwhile there are those of us who have actually lost family members and would like other people to not have to go through that. There are those who have gotten seriously ill and are dealing with long term health issues from that. There are those who have family or friends who have gotten seriously ill. Or lost income because of illness or shut down.

And that last one brings me to the second area of BULLSHIT.

Do you remember all of those people who were so concerned with the mental health struggles of people during lockdown? How hard it was on a segment of our population to be so isolated? They were so concerned for them. So upset over the potential increase in mental health issues including suicide. See they weren't just worried about Covid deaths like all of us selfish people, they were worried about suicide as well. 

Okay.

So when the vaccine came out and the chance at everyone who could get vaccinated getting vaccinated and then wearing masks and keeping distance while that took effect was an option they all rushed right out to do it right? I mean, we could open everything back up and save all of those isolated souls just by wearing a mask and getting vaccinated and they...

Didn't do it. 

Because it was never about the people suffering during isolation. If you cannot be bothered to wear a piece of fabric over your nose and mouth so people can come out of their houses you never cared if they were stuck in their houses. You used their very real depression to try and shame everyone else into doing what you wanted.

Assholes.

I cannot stand when people find concern for mental health issues when it's convenient and then drop it as soon as it isn't. Mental health and military folks. Those are the two groups that get the most coverage to make a point with the least help when it's not needed anymore.

We don't have a gun issue, we have a mental health issue. Fine, let's make sure everyone who wants a gun has to pass a mental health screening to buy and has to be rescreened yearly. What? Crickets? We don't have a housing cost issue we have a mental health issue. Okay...then let's find them treatment. Housed treatment. What? Crickets? We can't shut down and isolate because people are getting depressed and killing themselves. Okay, let's all get vaccinated and wear masks in crowds so we can open everything up again. What? Crickets?

It's such bullshit. 

And it's awful bullshit. Like terrible people bullshit.

You want to talk about people being stuck inside and how awful that is for them, but you can't be bothered to wear a piece of fabric over your face.

You want to talk about how awful it is for the economy, but you can't be bothered to wear a piece of fabric over your face.

You want to talk about how it's so much better for kids to be in school but you don't want to make sure the whole community around them is vaccinated and those in contact with them all day wear masks. 

You want to tell me and those like me who have suffered actual loss that it's not real. That it's not as bad as they say. That it's just...blah blah blah... government control...blah blah blah...personal freedom... you can't make me, nyah!

You are selfish and you are using people with real issues to try and make yourself seem less so. 

And that's just bullshit. 

SO MUCH BULLSHIT!

Stop it. Stop pretending that you care about people who were suffering during isolation. Stop acting like you are some sort of good guy when you can't muster up enough concern for your fellow citizens to protect them. Not from imaginary boogeymen, but from an actual real virus. You could still be the hero of your own goddam story and it's as simple as getting a vaccine and wearing a mask when asked. 

If you can't be bothered to do that then at least shut the fuck up and stop spouting your bullshit. 

Ann's still dead. She died from complications related to Covid 19. Because it's a killer.

So stop it. Stop trying to pretend that wearing a mask is the real hardship. It isn't. 

That's just bullshit. 

Still Cranky...

A friend described what we are all going through right now as "the worst group project ever." Oh my gosh! That's it! Perfect description. 

I always HATED group projects in school. Relying on someone else for my grade? Someone else who might or might not put in the work I was going to? Though, let's face it, we all know where we fall in the group project spectrum. 

There are those that do all the things. Read what needs to be read, work on the paper, prepare the presentation, whatever needs done it's done.

There are those that will pitch in on parts. Maybe do some reading. Maybe proofread the paper. Maybe add a cool graphic to the presentation. 

There are those who will SWEAR they are doing a section and never get it to you to add to the final presentation so you end up doing their section for them in the middle of the night the day before it's due. 

And there are those who don't do anything and just coast on the grade the rest of you got. 

I hated group projects.

But the worst type of group project? The one where group participation was part of the grade. Where the instructor weighed in on how much each person contributed, and each person had to be fairly equal or your grade suffered. 

Right now we are in that last group project section. We all had to do our parts or the whole project suffered. And to make it worse we have people in the "do fuck all" section who have the unmitigated gall to bitch about the results.

They want everything reopened but they don't want to take the precautions needed to do it safely.

YOU do all the work. YOU get vaccinated and they go to the bar with a large group of other people who refuse to work on the group project and spread their germs around and make a new variant that can screw you as well, EVEN after you spent the past year and a half doing all the things you were supposed to do. AND THEN have the fucking GALL to say that all of that didn't work so why do any of it?

IT DIDN'T WORK BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T DO IT! It was a fucking group project that you just made us fail.

Free. Easily accessible. At the beginning of the summer they should have done their section and gotten vaccinated. Then maybe there wouldn't have been enough people for the Delta variant to grab ahold of for it to be a worry. Now we're back to wearing masks and they won't even do that without bitching. 

Why should I wear a mask if you are vaccinated? You shouldn't worry about it. 

I'm not worried I'm going to get really sick, because I'm vaccinated. I don't wear a mask to keep myself from getting sick, I wear one just incase I'm sick and don't realize it. I wear it to keep from spreading it to someone who isn't vaccinated. Because littles can't get vaccinated just yet, and contrary to what the Covidiots keep shouting, they can get really sick. It does happen. They can die from it just like anyone else. It might not be as common for them to get as sick, but I'm not really willing to throw the dice on that statistic. I also wear it to prevent someone who cannot get the vaccine from getting sick. There are those out there who cannot get vaccinated who are in fragile enough health that it would be bad. Like Covid causes their death bad. Again, I'm not willing to roll the dice on someone else's life like that.

BUT...if I could guarantee that the only people it spread to were those that still fucking refused to to do the work on the group project? Well...

And yeah, I get it, that's so harsh! How awful! How mean! And honestly... Oh fuck that....they refuse to get a free and easily accessible vaccine, they refuse to wear a mask, some of them are actively campaigning against others wearing masks and getting vaccinated so yeah...fuck them. They aren't doing the work, they are causing damage. I am out of sympathy.

Out.

It's hurt my heart since Ann died to see people deny that Covid was an issue. It's wounded me to see people I know refuse to do what needs to be done to protect all of us. It's been a really sad eye opener to see how many of my fellow Americans seem to think that a piece of cloth over their face is some sort of freedom blocker. To see people praise Rand Fucking Paul as some sort of anti-covid hero when he was spreading germs and misinformation at an accelerated clip while his wife invested in drugs to fight Covid. Oh but she lost money... not for lack of trying, it was because the shit she bought didn't work. They should have invested in a mask factory. 

Assholes...

So yeah.

I'm cranky about the world's worst group project and the fact that I can't kick some of you out of my group so I can just get the passing grade and move the fuck on... I was so not planning on taking this fucking class all over again. 

Thanks...

Post Vaccinated Life...

This weekend was pretty darn close to a typical "before times" weekend for us. We went to a comedy show on Friday night, got our hair cut Saturday morning and a Timbers' match Saturday night, grabbed breakfast out this morning then went by the grocery store to pick up a few things before heading home to relax in our cool house before the heat wave hits.

I wasn't sure how I would feel going back out in the world after 14-15 months of really limited contact. Would it seem really weird or would the fact that I've had over 50 years of the other world just override the last year or so? The answer is...yes.

Mostly it was pretty normal. But there was the mix of we are still in a pandemic even though we are on the trailing edge of it instead of the middle. Or at least it seems like the trailing edge. We will see what happens as those that aren't vaccinated get exposed to the new variants out there and they continue to mutate. But for now, it seems like we are almost done. 

So, anyway...there was a mix of before times and Covid times and new times out there. At the club you wore masks anytime you weren't seated at your table, but if you were at your table masks off was fine, unless you were talking with your server then masks back on. So on, off, on, off, but mostly off. Haircuts we have gotten really used to the mask protocol there. Though I am looking forward to getting my hair cut and colored without the mask on. Mostly because I wear my hair in a style that is shaped to my jaw line. Hard to see exactly what I've got going on until the mask comes off. 

The game was maskless for the most part. There were some people there still wearing theirs, and I had debated if I would wear mine or not, but it was HOT last night and to get in the park you had to show proof of vaccination, and it's mostly outside so I never even put mine on. I figured that there were some unvaccinated people there who used bogus cards to come in, but that the most part would be people who were vaccinated. The odds of getting a breakthrough case was small. So no mask, which made it seem pretty normal. Not quite as crowded, the food was all isolated instead of being tossed to you at your seat, but other than that pretty normal. 

Restaurant and grocery store were the same as they have been. Masks on unless you are eating or drinking at the restaurant and always masked at the store. Crowds are starting to come back so you aren't alone most of the time but not as crowded as before so you aren't shoulder to shoulder with people either. 

Parts felt really normal and before times like. Parts did not. 

Like the cough. 

Part way through Tom Papa's set someone in the audience coughed. Not a little dry patch, tickle cough but are really full throated phlegmy thing. The audience went silent. Like everyone just went still. Tom Papa got a horrified look on his face and said, "Well that cough was disconcerting." and he lost his rhythm for a moment while we all sat there thinking...AAAAHHH!!! and then he got back in the flow and kept going. But it was an odd moment. And one that I wonder how long it will take to get back to just mild "oh great, now I'm going to get sick" annoyance over "WHY ARE YOU OUT IN PUBLIC WITH A PHLEGMY COUGH??!??"

Brent will probably be back in the office by August and we were talking about that being when all of us will start getting colds again. Over a year with no cold has been really nice. But being around people again, and without masks, the colds are coming. Will we (we being Americans) actually start to stay home when we are sick instead of going out and infecting everyone else? Or will we put on our masks when we do feel a little under the weather and go out? Will there be a sea change in how we act? I'm just not sure. 

The Timbers' match would lead me to believe that things are going to get back to the before times normal pretty quickly, as soon as we reach 70% vaccinated in Oregon all of our restrictions are lifted. And we are close to that right now. But that cough...well that makes me think that maybe we aren't really ready yet to just dive back in. That there is a part of us that will always be a little different. I'm just not sure how it will break. 

For me? I'd love to see some of the changes stick. I've really liked having a bigger personal space bubble without having to keep subtly moving away from people. I've liked having assigned seating places, and timed entries. I've really liked having Brent work from home. It's so much easier to plan meal times around a 2 minute commute than a maybe 20 maybe 45 and maybe off at 5 or 5:30 possibly 6 if the meeting runs late...

I know that piece is going away no matter how nice it was. Boo. But maybe a few of the other things will stick? Though I'm afraid that the only places we will see permanent change are in the areas that save companies money. If they discovered they could save a few bucks during the slow down they aren't going to want to give up those savings now. 

It will be an interesting transition for sure. 

On to the new normal...

Push...And Other Thoughts...

 So... a lot to cover today. 

First off, it's been a year since we went in to lock down mode. I know the snarky point is to say it was supposed to be only for two weeks to flatten the curve and yet here we are...but...(as much as I love a snarky point) I never believed that it would be for just two weeks. I can see it in my Facebook status updates I can read it in my blog. 

Here is a section from my blog on March 18, 2020:

"I think people are still not really understanding how long this is going to last. I had the realization last night that there is actually a good chance we won't see Christopher until next summer. No holidays with the family. It's not really going to be under control until we get a vaccine right? And there won't be a vaccine until next year. And we still suffer from vaccine resistant viruses, not actual viruses but stupid people who don't get their vaccines. Though maybe this will actually show them how important they are. People who were alive when polio was virulent aren't anti-vaxxers for instance..."

Now we did get to see Christopher over the holidays, but only because he ended up catching Covid-19 last Spring and we decided the risk of him catching it again was small. But here we are. A year later. And things are only starting to get back to normal as the vaccine is being rolled out. And we have a not insignificant number of people who are not going to get the vaccine because....reasons.

I think my mindset of this is not two weeks, this is not two months, this is at least a year helped me deal with it all a little more than some others. I also know that my introvert, homebody nature, also helped. Brent and I are really self sufficient. I would rather Christopher was here with us, but that's not pandemic related, I always would like him to live closer, but even then we have a good amount of contact and we do okay. But for the most part Brent and I are each other's social circle and we always are, no matter what else is going on in the world. I know people who need people have not been the luckiest people in the world this year. 

But anyway...

Here we are a year in to the pandemic. 

I'm going to write some more about it soon. I think there are a few blogs waiting to crash out but...

That's my issue right now, this very moment. I need to write. I need to get a LOT of writing done. If I want to hit my 12 fiction pieces for March I need to write 7 fiction pieces in the 7 days that are left in March. I'm thinking that I will not make that goal...unless I crank out some poetry. Which will make Skippy really happy. Which is a price I might be willing to pay if it means I get my gold star. 

I also want to write a wrap up on the elimination diet. And I have a piece about religion bouncing in my head. And a lot of being challenged by the universe on who I am, like at a deep core level WHO I AM, right now. And...well it's not super easy to write all of the time. Brent and I are sharing space and that's a challenge for both of us at times. I'm trying to get some house things taken care and that takes some time. I'm also cat visiting and that takes some time. And mostly I'm still pouting a little (or more) about the whole food issues which takes a lot of head space. 

So, instead of sitting down and writing daily I'm finding a lot of excuses not to sit down and write daily and that's just counterproductive to, you know, sitting down and writing daily. So what am I going to do about it?

Well...and brace yourselves because this is going to be big, such a great breakthrough...

I'm going to sit down and write daily for the next seven days. 

I KNOW right? 

Starting with this. 

And following this I'm going to dash out a quick poem. (Sorry, Skip, but you know how I am with my gold stars) and then tomorrow I'm going to do it all again. It might be a collection of two post days here and there to get all of the stuff in my head out on the blog and still grab that star...we will see.

So here we are. A year in to the pandemic lockdowns, things are opening back up, and I am still where I am. Trying to get the words out of my head and on to the "paper."

That has to make you feel a little better right? Some continuity in your life. 

That's what I'm going with anyway...

Saturday Morning...

We have two mourning doves in the tree outside. They come by every once in awhile. Yesterday one of them stood on the railing and looked at me for awhile. I believed she was saying, "Umm, yeah, about the peanuts? We aren't really fans."

See, for most of the year we've had multiple bird feeders up. Different shapes and sizes including just an open dish. There have been peanuts, seeds, dried fruit, sunflower seeds, and of course hummingbird nectar. But a few weeks (maybe 6 now? Pandemic time dontchaknow) we started to notice that the HUGE influx of pine siskins were having some issues. There were some that were acting a little odd. Puffy, lethargic. Then Brent found a dead bird. 

A few days before I had been looking through my Facebook stories and a friend's boys had found a dead bird and had a funeral for it. Really sweet story but there was a comment under it from someone who said, "Pine Siskins are really susceptible to salmonella poisoning." It popped back to the top of my head and off to research I went.

And yeah, they are super susceptible to it. Their normal habitat is, well, you can guess from the name. And forests and woods are a lot more spread out than porch and backyard feeders. But with the loss of habitat from building and forest fires and the drought they have come down into the cities to take advantage of those feeders. 

But they were spreading a killing disease amongst themselves. 

So we pulled in all of the feeders. Dumped the feed, washed everything. Cleaned up the porch and raked the area under the porch to discourage them from gathering there. And we waited to see if they would move on. 

It took awhile. They would come and land on the hooks and stare at us. They would hop around looking for scraps. We felt badly. We had been feeding them, and the other birds who were like, We didn't do anything! We can handle this! But our good intentions were literally killing them. So...we waited.

Last week we put out some peanuts for the squirrel. Just plain peanuts, no extra seeds or fruit. We didn't even put out the water dish again. And with the peanuts the Jays came back. Then the black capped chickadees. They would all snatch some peanuts and go on their way. And of course the squirrels. 

But yesterday the mourning doves came back...so we decided to put a little of the seed and dried fruit mix in with the peanuts. 

We've had a good collection of birds this morning. Finches have come back. Some birds that I don't know what they are except pretty...so far no pine siskins. Which is good. Because if they flock back we'll have to take everything back down (except the hummingbird food) and start again. 

Because it's our responsibility. Even though we love to see the massive amounts and varieties of birds just covering all the feeders we know that that crowd isn't good for the pine siskins. The finches don't crowd like that, and as city birds aren't as vulnerable. The Jays pretty much scare everyone off when they show up so they don't deal with the crowds either. And the hawks love the crowds but that's a different story...

But the pine siskins can't survive without us shutting things down. 

And honestly, I didn't intend on this being a metaphor for Covid-19 but it sure turned into that didn't it? 

The virus is killing us. Some of us aren't as susceptible to it, some of us don't deal with crowds. But for some of us we are dying. And as a society we should be as responsible for our most vulnerable as Brent and I have been for the pine siskins shouldn't we? 

We shut everything down for awhile and are now in our slow open. (one dish of seeds, started with just peanuts now there are seeds and dried fruit as well) It will be few more weeks before we try out the other feeders. We need to make sure the pine siskins have moved on before that happens. Because if they all come flocking back we'll just have to shut it all down again. Because what we were doing before was killing them.

Even when the other birds were giving us guilt looks, even when we knew that the Jays could handle it. And the finches and the chickadees. Even when the squirrel pooped all along the rail to let us know how mad he was; we still kept the feeders down, because it wasn't worth killing the pine siskins over. 

And that's the truth of it. 

When we didn't know that crowded feeders were killing them it wasn't our fault. But as soon as we knew, if we didn't act, we would have been. 

If we know that crowds spread the virus, and we do. If we know that wearing a mask can help protect people, and we do. If we know that a little isolation right now while we wait for a vaccine will keep the virus from spreading even more, and we know that. If we know all of those things and we ignore them, then we are saying that killing our more vulnerable isn't that big of a deal. You might not like that that is what it's saying, but it is isn't it?

We have to weigh the risks. Still. It's not over yet and we need to stop acting like it is. 

Be glad when you have immunity. Either from surviving the virus yourself or from getting your vaccines. But until that happens be careful. Not just for yourself, but for the pine siskins among us. 

Wear your mask.

Keep your distance.

Stay home when you can.

And then eventually, we'll get to the point where we have more than peanuts to look forward to. 

Just Kidding...

 Yeah, so...that last blog? 

After telling a few people about my results and then publishing that blog I got a lot of feedback that I should just go ahead and get the nasal swab test. I was resisting because they had asked that I save the tests for those that are in contact with people and needed them to either clear themselves after contact with a Covid positive person or needed them to work or travel. I'm not doing any of that so fine. 

The 100th time someone asked how I was and I was like, "It's super mild. Like if I didn't know I had tested positive for the IgM antibodies I wouldn't think anything of it. Really annoying cold but not really sick" well then I thought, wait it really is just a mild cold. Like I KNOW how I feel and this is just a blip of a cold and I'm already recovering. No loss of smell or taste. Nothing unusual at all. 

And then the 100th time someone said, "How in the world could you have gotten it? You're like almost the poster child for pandemic care" I was like, "Right? How in the world?" then it was like...no wait, actually how in the world?

And then the capper, I was reading an article (I read a LOT of articles, as is my way) and someone in it commented that the test shortage is so frustrating. To get a free one you have to wait for hours and hours in line at public testing sites and hope the supply lasts while (emphasis mine) people with enough money can just go to a private lab and have it done. Oh hey, wait, I bet that's me. 

I mean, I fight for equality. I don't like that some of us have an easier time than others. But I do. And if you can't use your privilege sometimes then is it even privilege? And could I justify it? And the answer was, let's see how expensive a test is and make the call.

My friend Sara had been exposed by a client and to get back to work needed testing and quick so she had information on a private lab that her friend in the State department recommended. She gave me all of the details and one last "You should do this instead of think about it anymore" nudge. I called, they could get me in yesterday afternoon and said I should get the results by this afternoon.

Instead I got the results last night. Negative! Yay! I cannot even tell you how relieved that made me. Like legit felt like a weight was off my shoulders.

Then the doctor that owns and runs the labs asked if I could come in today for an antibody test as well. Just to verify. They'd run it for free. So sure.

So today I went in and got their antibody test. They actually gave me two different ones. They are testing people for antibodies after they give them the nasal swab test to verify their antibody test is accurate. As of right now it's 100% accurate. The people who have tested positive for Covid-19 show antibodies and the people who have tested negative don't show any, or at least any of the IgM. But his sample size is too small for him to feel completely comfortable so my test was part of his testing and verifying. Cool, I scienced, bitches.

While waiting for the results I chatted with him and learned a LOT more about the tests and the virus and testing protocols for travel to other countries and his feelings about Fred Meyer offering a non-FDA approved test and not informing people that it's really a coin flip on if the the results are accurate but they price it at just the sweet spot for people to think, "Why not see?" Which is EXACTLY what I did. Then my results from both of their tests were in...and negative. No antibodies at all. Not the IgM not the IgG. The Fred Meyer test was just completely wrong.

So I worried for four days, convinced myself that a little cold, that ironically I probably caught waiting for my results at Fred Meyer, was Covid, and canceled Christmas, all for NOTHING. 

But good news is we were able to salvage everything. Reordered Christmas dinner. Christopher is coming home, using the same risk reward ratio we used for Thanksgiving and still coming down on the risk is small enough that we are going to do it. And because we lost it all for a few days I am even more grateful to have our small family holiday than I was before. So the possibility of ending 2020 with gratitude instead of just more fuck youiness is good too. (Possibility because, no offense, 2020, but I just don't completely trust you)

I'm sorry to have worried everyone. 

I'm so grateful for all of the love and support you guys sent my way.

And as my soul daughter agrees, being negative gets a bad rap but it's absolutely wonderful!

Wear your masks.
Keep your distance.
Wash your hands. 
Don't get the antibody test from Fred Meyer.

2020 Gonna Keep 2020ing...

So I finally got the antibody test. It was super easy. Quick finger prick, which are so much nicer than they used to be. Barely felt it. Waited 15 minutes for the result and...

I HAVE THE ANTIBODIES! 

Yay! I'm basically a super hero at this point! I am wrapped in the cloak of immunity and I will...

(this is where you hear the record scratch as the pharmacist keeps talking)

But you have the rarest way to see them. 

(He goes on to explain and I will sum up)

Basically there four outcomes to the antibody test. Negative, you either never had them, you had a mild enough case not to develop them or it's been long enough that you don't have them anymore. Positive you have the IgG antibodies which are the long term ones you keep in your system after recovery. Positive you have the IgG and the IgM antibodies which happens early in the infection, you probably still have it right now. And lastly Positive you have IgM antibodies only which means you may or may not be infectious. You may or may not ever develop IgG. It's really rare though because IgG and IgM develop at basically the same time so to only get IgM isn't really understood. 

And I have IgM only. 

Hunh.

So I went home and looked it up on the CDC website and read a few other science articles and came to the conclusion that as I was asymptomatic most likely I had been exposed but didn't get sick enough to get the IgG (something that happens sometimes with really mild cases) and now it's just an interesting thing to see but no big deal really and I can't count on any sort of immunity from it. 

The next day I called the health line to get more information, just to make sure, because though I am a smart cookie I am not a doctor so I could have interpreted all of that incorrectly. 

And no, I pretty much nailed it. As long as I stayed asymptomatic. But the only way to really know for sure if I was still carrying the virus actively was to get one of the nasal swab tests. The quick test was definitely going to pop positive because of those IgM antibodies but the nasal test would tell me if I was still actively carrying virus. However...unless I needed a negative virus test for work, or I was going to be in contact with a lot of people and needed one they would ask that I not get one. I could get one. They aren't saying I can't, but they are asking that I leave those tests for the people who really need them. 

Because we still don't have enough tests in a pandemic for people to get them as needed unless they play sportsball. 

Anyway...I was asymptomatic so no big deal.

Except for the little headache issue that was creeping in. But I was doing a ton of reading and worrying about Covid so a stress headache is not that big of a deal. And then there was the slightly runny nose, but I am always sneezing and could have a slightly runny nose at any point in time. And then this morning I woke up with more nasal drip and sore throat and a slight fever and fuck... I have Covid. Probably the reason (again, not a doctor, but it makes sense and works with some of the information I got yesterday) I only had the IgM antibodies was just a freak of timing on the test. I was just developing them. If I had gotten the test even a day later I would most likely have had both. 

So now Brent and I are playing like Willy Wonka and nobody comes in and nobody goes out. Well Willy Wonka before he started murdering children to make Charlie complicit in his crimes and not willing to rat him out for the slavery...but I digress. We are on lockdown. 

And then here is the extra kicker...

Christopher got the test down in Bend the same day as I did. He had it so long ago and it was so mild that he wanted to see for sure if he still had the antibodies. And...his test was negative. So I have Covid and he has no antibodies so no Christmas visit for us. 

And I know, I know, a lot of people are in the no Christmas boat. And I know we are SUPER lucky we got Thanksgiving (especially now knowing he didn't actually have the protection we thought he did!), but it's been a bitch of a year and I was really hoping to at least get Christmas family time. 

We didn't decorate because of the kittens.
We decided not to exchange any gifts and just plan on a lovely post Covid family vacation. 
And now we will not even see each other so all of it seems super fucking dreary. 

I might have cried a few times, and I probably will again. Probably meaning for sure. 

And again, I know that it's the right call. I know that it's a call a lot of people are making. I know we were lucky to have one holiday together. But fuck...I feel like there should have been some sort of "Get out of Covid Bullshit Free" pass for those of us who have lost family members to it already. 

But that's the thing. It's a virus. It doesn't care about political parties. It doesn't care about your belief system. It doesn't care how many people in your circle have already had it and suffered or died. It's just relentless. 

So wear your masks. 
Socially distance. 
Wash your hands. 

Oh and I know, right now you are like, You've been preaching that all along, how did you get it?

And the truth is I don't know. I mean I know even with all of those things above all you are doing is lessening your chances of contracting the virus. None of it is 100% unless you went into full hermit mode. And over the past week I did go into two pet stores and the grocery store (masked up, of course) and I had a conversation with the sheriff. It was a five minute or so conversation and for the first part of it neither of us were masked, though we were more than 6 feet apart. So maybe? Or maybe it was picking up breakfast on Saturday, the place I got it from closed down this week due to a positive Covid test so maybe I got a sneaky virus particle from that? The truth is I have no way of knowing. I did what I could to lessen my chances, not completely avoid it, and I got it.  

Because sometimes things like that happen. 

Though I'm blaming the Po Po. I think it's revenge for that time like five years ago when the sheriff yelled at me so I yelled at him back. Long play so I wouldn't be suspicious. Little did they realize suspicious is my set point. 

Anyway...

I'm positive. 
And not in the good way. 
But it's all really mild right now and I am hopeful that it stays that way. We've decided not to even bother trying to isolate me from Brent. I was the most contagious before we even knew I had it, and we don't have a room with an airlock so the odds are he's already exposed and will or won't get it. So I am also hopeful that if he gets it his is mild as well. Which of course I'm also worried. Because we know it can be super mild and we also know it can be devastating. We aren't as young as Christopher but we aren't as old with the number of pre-existing conditions that Ann had so...I'm hopeful. 

But I'm bummed.

And I am ready for 2021 to be a better year. 

Stumped...

I want to write a holiday story. I like writing holiday stories. It enhances my holiday spirit.

But...

This year is really difficult. 

It's weird to write a story from the "before times" and writing one in the "now times" hasn't sparked any sort of creative process (yet, I'm still noodling, it might) and I'm not really sure what the "after times" are going to look like so that's not happening either. 

They finally lined out the Oregon timeline the other day for vaccines and (as long as the supply stays strong) with their estimate of how many people they can inoculate a day we are looking at September before everyone is vaccinated. September. Another 10 months away. So what does next Christmas look like? 

Will it be overflowing with parties and events and people just so glad to get out that everyone is on full blast? Or after a year and half of quieter living will people decide they prefer it that way? Or with the number of people that will still get sick and die before that happens will people still be grieving too much to want to celebrate? Or will the economy still be in such precarious shape will people even be able to afford big celebrations? Not to mention the open cries for secession from certain forces in our political arenas (most recently the Republican Party of Texas). What will the country look and feel like in a year?

So it's hard to find a good toe hold into a holiday story.

Yet.

Like I said, I'm still noodling. 

And I kind of feel like that's everything right now. 

We're still thinking about it.

Trying to find a way to make it work.

We have a lot of forces working against all of us right now.

The virus. The divided country. The normal differences that happen in daily life that are just amplified right now.

We're all still trying to figure it out. 

It's weird to step back sometimes and realize how significant this moment in history already is and how we are on the verge of possibly even more. I mean, we all studied the 1918 pandemic in school. It seemed unbelievable that world wide flu could be that bad. Something out of the dark ages. In 100 years when people are studying this they will have the added "Meanwhile in the United States people protested wearing a mask" portion. I cannot even imagine how that's going to be explained. "But why?" "Who knows, Sparky, who knows."

But then again, if the people trying to dismantle our country right now succeed the history lessons will be...well who knows what they will be. 

It's been so overused this year but we are in unprecedented times. 

We are just under 6 weeks away from the presidential inauguration and Trump still hasn't stopped fighting the election results. Cult45 is still backing him even though it's clear that he lost. He lost in every way you can lose. But he's got them convinced that because he lost there must have been something shady going on. Yes, yes there was, but it was you and your family and all of the other grifters you brought along for the ride. And again, we have multiple fronts calling for a split. Sedition. Out in the open. Under the banner of being a good Republican. It's unprecedented.

So...I'm trying for a holiday themed story but it's not there yet. Maybe some songs would help?

Have Yourself a Merry Little Treason

Angels We Have Barely Heard Through Masks

I'm Dreaming of an Orange Free Christmas

Silver Mask, Silver Flask, It's Christmas Time and It's Shitty

Maybe not...

I'll keep working on it. 

Tests...

Fred Meyer has the antibody tests for Covid-19. I scheduled an appointment for today. It's $25 and only takes 15 minutes to get results. It's the finger prick which always sucks, but I decided that it would be worth it just to know. 

I'm pretty sure I don't have them. But there is a part of me that is like...well...I was sick in February and March and they were weird illnesses for me. Fever and fatigue. But at the time we were still not really thinking that everything was Corona and we thought it was a really specific set of symptoms. I had the fever, sure, but no dry cough and difficulty breathing. Now the umbrella of symptoms is bigger so, maybe?

And again for $25 I decided it was worth it.

I asked Brent if he wanted one and he said no. It wouldn't change anything we are doing after all. Even if it came back as positive for the antibodies we'd still hang out at home, wear a mask when we had to go out, socially distance and avoid crowds. So why bother? 

Which fair point. But still, if you can know something don't you want to know?

So I made an appointment. I decided on today to make sure that I was in the clear from Christopher's visit over the holiday. That thin chance of him catching it again and bringing it home, that I talked about. Like Brent said, we won't change any behaviors even knowing that the chances of catching it again are slim. 

But still...so I made the appointment. 

And got the call from them last night that they ran out of tests so I don't get one. At least not until they get more. Whenever that happens. Which was pretty frustrating. You know how many tests you have, you know how many appointments are scheduled. Don't you make sure you have the tests for the appointments? But no. 

Which has been fairly typical of this whole time period. Testing has been hard to come by. Originally the tests to see if you had it were impossible to get. Then there was/is the rapid test but there is a 50% chance that a negative result is false. A coin flip chance that your negative test is really negative so you have to get the longer test anyway. And again, those aren't as available as the White House would like you to believe. If you call your doctor you might or might not get a recommendation for a test. And then if you do you are going to be waiting in a very long line hoping they don't run out before you get to the front. 

Because of this I'm not super optimistic about the vaccine timelines. We're already seeing that the amount of vaccine the White House had been saying would be available the end of this month isn't the amount. It's a tenth of their original number. A tenth.

And we keep saying, well for those of us who aren't in the high risk group it will be the spring. But listening to a podcast the other day that did a break down of the actual numbers and their estimate for production timelines and actual doses needed (remember everyone needs two shots) it will be YEARS before we get everyone vaccinated. 

Now, sure, we live in a richer country so we will probably be far ahead of the poorer countries. And we have a large contingent of anti-vaxxers that might help our supply lines at the start. But still, we could be looking at a much longer time before we reach herd immunity between vaccines and recovered. 

We've got some experience here. We meaning me and Brent. When we turned 50 our doctor told us we could/should get the new shingles vaccine. It takes two doses. So we needed to get the first dose and schedule the second. Great. I've had friends who have gotten shingles and no way do I want any of that so sign me up! And Brent got the chicken pox at 29 and it was bad enough. He doesn't want shingles either so as much as he hates needles he was in. 

We just got our shots this year. 

Not from procrastination but from supply. We couldn't get it. Sometimes I would get a pharmacy that had the first dose but couldn't guarantee they would have the second for me and if you wait too long after the first dose you have to start over. So no thank you. 

Two years. It took two years to get a shingles vaccine. That is only for people over 50 but under a top end age (not sure what it is, I only cared about the 50). So limited population and still it took two years. 

We are talking about everybody. Everybody, everywhere. (sorry about the earworm but I'm cutting back on sugar and feeling ornery)

So do we think we will all be able to be vaccinated and back to some sort of normal by the spring? The summer? Another year?

I'm trying to be optimistic but I'm just not sure. 

And if we add to that a petty and vindictive man who LOST the election and won't admit he LOST the election who you could absolutely see working to sabotage the incoming administration so they don't get credit for getting everyone vaccinated? Well...

I hope I'm wrong. 

I hope that things go quickly and we all get the opportunity to go back to public spaces safely. 

I'm hopeful but only because I really want to have concerts and sporting events and shows again.

Hope. 

But not belief.

Another First Past Again...

We are past the first Thanksgiving without Ann. Marking the first holidays is usually really difficult. But this year it was...

Odd.

I think odd sums it up the best.

Normally we would have called her and checked in. Of course, we couldn't do that. But we watched a lot of our friends posting about Zoom Call Thanksgivings. What would have been semi-normal for us was completely different for them. And we didn't do it because our new normal is just us.

But even with it being odd, we are past the first major holiday. Christmas, her birthday, and then the double whammy of Mother's Day and the anniversary of her death on deck.

It's still very surreal. I forgot she was gone just last week. I was trying to figure out what I was missing for Thanksgiving, it seemed like I had forgotten something major (turns out it was a roasting pan) but while I was thinking of all the things it could be I thought, "Oh I need to remind Christopher to update his Amazon list for his grandmother." And then remembered that I didn't have to do that actually.

Oh.

It's such an odd year. The amount of universal loss is overwhelming. A friend had to say goodbye to one of her pets this week. It made me cry. It's always so hard to do. But then another friend posted a picture of their old dog enjoying Thanksgiving and I thought, wait, weren't they ill as well? I had to go back and look at old posts to see if I was remembering wrong. Because I had forgotten. Normally that's something I would keep in my head. But no...not this year.

And then a friend posted a GoFund me for another friend's expenses while she battles cancer. And I knew she had cancer, I sent her a cozy blanket for when she gets her chemo. Mom was always freezing when she got chemo. But in a way it was a shock to remember that yes, she has cancer. That is a thing that is still happening.

And then the Thanksgiving posts came and I have at least 5 friends who have lost a parent this year. Not counting Brent. Now, granted, we are all hitting the age where those of us with parents on the older side are losing them but still it seems like a lot over a short amount of time. 

And the Covid numbers keep climbing. We are at 263,000 deaths in the US alone. And I've talked about it before, it's so infuriating as one of those families to see people still want to downplay those deaths. Like it's not a big deal. They say well, it was something else, they died WITH it not FROM it. It's just the flu, it's just a bad cold, 99% survival rate...

Fuck all y'all.

Honestly. 

It just makes it so much harder to grieve naturally. I mean, it's hard enough in the time of Covid, let alone if they died from it. Funerals (for those who wanted to do them) had to be postponed or done with only a handful of those who wanted to attend there. Doing all of the things you have to do when someone dies is exponentially harder when government offices are at reduced staff, or closed all together. We still have one more thing that needs taken care of in New Mexico that has to be done in person. When the vaccine is available, I guess, but until then it just hangs out in the void.

I have two friends going through divorces and another thinking strongly about it. More loss. Different loss, but still there. Grieving a relationship instead of a person, but either way, grieving. 

It's just surreal at this point. 

So much loss. 

I can't hold it in my head. 

I know I've been a lousy friend this year. 

I'm not the best friend for the checking in and supportive moments anyway. I am more the pep talk when you ask for one friend. I'm really bad at the little things that make most friendships. I know this about myself. And anyone who has been friends with me for a long time knows that as well, and I so appreciate those that have stuck it out. Because I do really like you, and I think of you often, and I pay attention to your posts and your updates, but...I just don't think to text, or write, or gods forfend, call. I'm not that friend. 

And this year it's even worse.

Because I know so many people need those sorts of friends. Especially right now. 

But that's not me. 

I am so not that person that when others are it's always sort of shocking to me. Random gifts or cards or messages always kind of stun me. And remind me that I have attracted really great people even if I am a little (a lot) worse at that sort of thing. I always sort of want it to be me. I mean, I mean well. And sometimes I actually remember to follow through. But it's rare. 

This year though, I've been even worse. Teflon brain. There has been so much loss that I cannot hold it in my head anymore. Who lost a parent. Who lost a pet. Who is ill. Who is on the first year of a child not at home. Who is in a change in other ways. It's just so much. Too much.

So I am apologizing to everyone who has told me something only to have me be surprised a month later to hear it "for the first time." I would apologize one on one but...well...

Yeah.

I'm looking forward to getting back to even keel. To dealing the losses at a more reasonable pace. To having some sort of new baseline take hold that isn't tallied on the news every night.

It's been a bitch of a year. 

But at least we are past the first Thanksgiving.