Looking Forward...

Okay, I am setting goals. But they will be small goals. Nothing much that is hard to reach. Which, of course, then makes me wonder if it's worth it. Because isn't that the point of goals? To make you stretch? Compared to previous years, totally doable, except one. That one will be a stretch, but it's the one that is probably the most needed so... But compared to what I did this year they will all be a bit stretchy. 

So anyway, I'm doing goals for 2021. 

And I sort of want to make December part of 2021. I almost talked myself into it this morning. Just make 2021 have a bonus month. But that would screw up my counts for other years when I go back and look at averages and progress. Yes, I put more thought into my numbers than just pulling them out of thin air. 

So I settled on December being a practice month, a setting up month. Since we aren't doing a big deal for Christmas it won't be as hard to get a rhythm going as it normally would be. There will be no events or late nights at hockey games. I'm not decorating this year. We aren't exchanging gifts. We will do our smaller traditions, but they will all be slightly changed. Movie in the basement instead of the theater. Christmas eve dinner will be something I make instead of Jake's. I haven't decided on Christmas day dinner just yet. But I might do something more simple than prime rib. So plenty of time to find a new rhythm and hit the ground running in January. 

And, of course, time to reconsider it all and change my mind three more times and finally decide that until we have a vaccine there is no getting back to normal, and since we will probably get the vaccine mid-year the second half of 2021 will look nothing like the first half and so all routines will be tossed right out the window so why set myself up for that? and...

And I think that's really why I decided to do goals again. 

The uncertainty we've all been living with is really stressful. Everything is different. And it's not going to go back to what it was before even when we get a vaccine. Too many people have gotten ill. Too many people have died. Too many businesses won't make it. What "we used to do" isn't going to be "what we do" anymore.

I think we are all going to have a bit of PTSD about germs and crowds. I mean, I was already there, I have never liked people breathing my air, but now? I'm not sure how I'm going to feel the first time a sweaty stranger bumps into me in a crowd. 

And there are things that just shouldn't go back to normal ever. I'm not sure if we really will make the changes to our economic system we need to change, but we really need to. The wealth gap is too large. And it's not just wealth, let's call it the getting by gap. The income disparities have really been laid bare. And they are still going to be there when this ends. So many people are out of work. You've seen the food lines. And it's not just that some of those businesses aren't coming back, you are also seeing more and more automation. Call ahead and order! Touchless delivery! Things that have been really handy during a pandemic will prove to be more profitable when we are out of it. 

Where do those people go when their jobs are gone?

And what do they do when the labor market is so strongly tilted in favor of employers? You don't want to take $10 an hour? Well there are 5 people outside who will...

And then we have the uncertainty of a new administration. I mean, don't get me wrong I am SUPER glad we have a new administration coming in but if the Georgia election doesn't go to the democrats McConnell will still be running the Senate and he will be blocking everything he can and hamstringing the Biden administration as much as possible. 

Add that to the current situation where Trump has convinced a large part of his voters that the election was fraudulent (proof? who needs proof?) and they will never accept a Biden presidency as being legitimate so we are looking at another four years of constant battles between Ds and Rs. Along with the people who are just chomping at the bit for an all out war. Like, literal war. Terrifying.

So I will set my little goals. I will focus on my small world that I can influence. And I will try not stress out over the rest of it. I mean, I will still scream into the void and say what I feel needs said about the imbalances and injustices and unfairness when I see it, but I'm going to try to make sure that's all balanced with the things that I can change and do. 

So goals are back on. 

But small ones.

Another First Past Again...

We are past the first Thanksgiving without Ann. Marking the first holidays is usually really difficult. But this year it was...

Odd.

I think odd sums it up the best.

Normally we would have called her and checked in. Of course, we couldn't do that. But we watched a lot of our friends posting about Zoom Call Thanksgivings. What would have been semi-normal for us was completely different for them. And we didn't do it because our new normal is just us.

But even with it being odd, we are past the first major holiday. Christmas, her birthday, and then the double whammy of Mother's Day and the anniversary of her death on deck.

It's still very surreal. I forgot she was gone just last week. I was trying to figure out what I was missing for Thanksgiving, it seemed like I had forgotten something major (turns out it was a roasting pan) but while I was thinking of all the things it could be I thought, "Oh I need to remind Christopher to update his Amazon list for his grandmother." And then remembered that I didn't have to do that actually.

Oh.

It's such an odd year. The amount of universal loss is overwhelming. A friend had to say goodbye to one of her pets this week. It made me cry. It's always so hard to do. But then another friend posted a picture of their old dog enjoying Thanksgiving and I thought, wait, weren't they ill as well? I had to go back and look at old posts to see if I was remembering wrong. Because I had forgotten. Normally that's something I would keep in my head. But no...not this year.

And then a friend posted a GoFund me for another friend's expenses while she battles cancer. And I knew she had cancer, I sent her a cozy blanket for when she gets her chemo. Mom was always freezing when she got chemo. But in a way it was a shock to remember that yes, she has cancer. That is a thing that is still happening.

And then the Thanksgiving posts came and I have at least 5 friends who have lost a parent this year. Not counting Brent. Now, granted, we are all hitting the age where those of us with parents on the older side are losing them but still it seems like a lot over a short amount of time. 

And the Covid numbers keep climbing. We are at 263,000 deaths in the US alone. And I've talked about it before, it's so infuriating as one of those families to see people still want to downplay those deaths. Like it's not a big deal. They say well, it was something else, they died WITH it not FROM it. It's just the flu, it's just a bad cold, 99% survival rate...

Fuck all y'all.

Honestly. 

It just makes it so much harder to grieve naturally. I mean, it's hard enough in the time of Covid, let alone if they died from it. Funerals (for those who wanted to do them) had to be postponed or done with only a handful of those who wanted to attend there. Doing all of the things you have to do when someone dies is exponentially harder when government offices are at reduced staff, or closed all together. We still have one more thing that needs taken care of in New Mexico that has to be done in person. When the vaccine is available, I guess, but until then it just hangs out in the void.

I have two friends going through divorces and another thinking strongly about it. More loss. Different loss, but still there. Grieving a relationship instead of a person, but either way, grieving. 

It's just surreal at this point. 

So much loss. 

I can't hold it in my head. 

I know I've been a lousy friend this year. 

I'm not the best friend for the checking in and supportive moments anyway. I am more the pep talk when you ask for one friend. I'm really bad at the little things that make most friendships. I know this about myself. And anyone who has been friends with me for a long time knows that as well, and I so appreciate those that have stuck it out. Because I do really like you, and I think of you often, and I pay attention to your posts and your updates, but...I just don't think to text, or write, or gods forfend, call. I'm not that friend. 

And this year it's even worse.

Because I know so many people need those sorts of friends. Especially right now. 

But that's not me. 

I am so not that person that when others are it's always sort of shocking to me. Random gifts or cards or messages always kind of stun me. And remind me that I have attracted really great people even if I am a little (a lot) worse at that sort of thing. I always sort of want it to be me. I mean, I mean well. And sometimes I actually remember to follow through. But it's rare. 

This year though, I've been even worse. Teflon brain. There has been so much loss that I cannot hold it in my head anymore. Who lost a parent. Who lost a pet. Who is ill. Who is on the first year of a child not at home. Who is in a change in other ways. It's just so much. Too much.

So I am apologizing to everyone who has told me something only to have me be surprised a month later to hear it "for the first time." I would apologize one on one but...well...

Yeah.

I'm looking forward to getting back to even keel. To dealing the losses at a more reasonable pace. To having some sort of new baseline take hold that isn't tallied on the news every night.

It's been a bitch of a year. 

But at least we are past the first Thanksgiving. 

Goals in the Time of a Pandemic...

 So starting to think about 2021. As you all know I didn't set goals for this year. Turns out that's a good thing. Pandemic and all. 

Or maybe that was a bad thing. Pandemic and all. 

I mean, focusing has been really hard. I am reading more slowly than normal. Even really good, enjoyable books take me longer to get through than normal. I just can't focus.

Fiction writing has been almost non-existent. Sadly if a friend of mine weren't going through HUGE emotional upheaval I'm not sure I would have had anything to write at all. Which, I KNOW, makes me somewhat of an awful person, but you all should know that your lives end up in my stories all the time. Sometimes it's just more obvious than others. 

Food and exercise just crashed around my head when the gym shut down, and Brent's mother died (especially since I hadn't yet stopped grief eating from when my mother died) and it was really hard to get motivated to do anything about it. Well until the damage was severe. And even then I'm only THINKING about fixing it. I mean, I'm working out a bit again, we set up a small home gym, but I haven't yet committed to the food aspect, which I need to do or the weight isn't going to budge. 

Doing something new? Well, yeah, that's not going to happen. 
Studying something interesting? I mentioned the lack of focus right? 

But I can't decide if all of that challenge meant it's a good thing I didn't have goals set up because I would never have met them or if it's a bad thing because if I did have goals set up maybe I would have pushed through to actually meet them. 

Which brings us to 2021.

Which way do I fall? Set the goals and try to force them through or set no goals and just hope to make it through the year in one piece?

Because, holy shit, we are still in it aren't we?

The current president is trying to execute a coup. The incoming president will be faced with an economic and health disaster that is beyond our imagination. We have no idea what else there is that we don't even know about. We are facing down a government shut down right now. Funding runs out in December and I just don't see Trump caring enough to stop it. He didn't win so he doesn't care. This is the part where he declares bankruptcy and walks away. Or at least almost that part. Right now he's still claiming he won.

His very devoted base honestly believes the election was stolen from him and are now all on their own social media platform reinforcing that belief with each other. And in that base is a group that is ready for Civil War, The Sequel. And that's actually pretty terrifying. 

I have no idea where we go next year. 
I have no idea how things are going to unwind. 

It's a very weird position to be in.

But we've got three different companies with vaccines on the horizon. Each with their own challenges, super cold storage, more than one dose, that sort of thing, but still. Three. So maybe by the summer we will all have the opportunity to get the vaccine and things can start to settle in to whatever the new normal is going to be. Maybe. Except for the anti-vaxxers who aren't going to get it, and the ones who think Bill Gates is going to microchip them, and the ones who think Trump rushed it, and the ones who will think Biden shouldn't get credit and... 

I have no idea how things are going to unwind.

We live in precarious times. Our government doesn't work. I mean, a lot of us kind of knew that before, but there is a difference between "I'm pretty sure it's not the best" to "Holy shit, this is awful."

So 2021. What do we think? 
Goals?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure it has to be:
Make it through. 

Fingers crossed for all of us. 

Red-y For the World!

I gave up. 

I tried. I really did. 

But I gave up. 

I went back to my red hair today. 

When the pandemic hit and everything shut down I decided that I would just grow it all out, go back to my natural color. Maybe even grow my hair a little longer again. 

But...

Menopause.

At least that's what I am going with. My hair used to grow at a scary pace. It's why cutting it all off and then growing it all back out long enough to donate was never that daunting of a task. It would take a couple of years tops to get the length it needed, from ears to mid back, while still getting regular trims to keep it super healthy. No big deal. 

But this? 

From March to today it grew maybe, MAYBE an inch and a half. MAYBE. And not everywhere. Some places grew a little more than that, maybe two inches, some places grew a lot less than that, like a half inch. But average is 1/2 inch a month so it should have been around four inches for a normal person and six for me. But nope...

And then as it finally got long enough for me to see what the color is now...

Not my favorite. 

Sara tried to show me a couple of months ago when we were first allowed back into the salons. She rinsed out as much of the red as my hair would release then added a temporary tone to it to bring it around to close to the natural shade. I hated it. I mean HATED it. But I convinced myself that I hated it because it was different than what I had gotten used to. And I hated it because it wasn't showing the gray because of the temporary color wash, and I was pretty sure I finally had enough gray for that to be the first thing you would notice. 

Nope. 

I still love the gray that I have. It's very silvery and shiny and just gorgeous. But I need it to be like 60% of my hair color to pull it off and it's like 25%. So all it does it make the brown around it look dull. Bleh.

And since my hair wasn't really growing all I was getting was the thickness back, but not the length. So my head started to resemble a beach ball. 

I've gained a pretty significant amount of weight and lost a lot of muscle over this time period so I really don't need to add a beach ball head to the equation. 

So I tried. 

I tried to not care. 

I tried to not be vain. 

I tried to tell myself that it was silly to even think of such things. 

But I gave up.

I salute those of you that have discovered an inner anti-diva during this time. But that's just not me. I mean, I've never been super high maintenance but apparently the parts that I have, I am holding on to. 

Yesterday I put on makeup for the first time in awhile. I did a little more shaping to my eyebrows that I had been trying to go 6 months without plucking to see if they would fill in nicely; at 5 months they are thicker, but there is a dividing line between my "normal" shape and what grew in so I looked like I had two lines of brows. I shaped a bit of it and filled in the rest with a brow pencil and wand. 

And like I said, I had Sara color my hair back to red today, it will take a few times to get it all back, the bottom that still had some of the old red is different than the root area that is starting fresh. I sort of look like I have low lights in with it. It still looks good. So I'm happy about that. I also gave up on the idea of growing it out, as it's not really growing and had her cut it back to a shorter style. Not as short as it was pre-pandemic but with more edges and layers and jags than the beach ball head I had going. I like it to move, or at least look like it just finished moving. 

Now that Tig is better the sick room was reconverted back to a gym so that will all start up again. I'm realistic that my weight is not going to change much in November and December, but I can start the process again at least. I know I need to do something because I was talking to a friend who has been very very sick and lost a drastic amount of weight over the past few months and it triggered my, so...how do I get deathly ill and lose weight like that? inner demon voice. When the skinny bitch demon starts talking I need to listen. Not to her, not exactly. But I do need to pay attention because if she takes over I end up getting comments from you all like, So...you should probably stop losing weight now, don't you think?

And no. 

I never think that. 

So...

I gave up.

I am not going to be comfortable being heavy.

I am not going to be comfortable not having cute hair.

I am not going to be comfortable not wearing dark red lipstick.

I am not going to be comfortable wearing soft clothes all the ti...

Actually, wait, yeah that part still rocks. So I will be wearing my lounge pants and soft shirts (probably switched out for snuggly sweaters here soon) and I'll be doing it with a light dusting of makeup on my face and super cute red hair in place. 

And I feel so much better about it all than I did a few days ago.

Apparently giving up works for me. 

Where to Begin? Again...

So, I think Tig is all better. Or at least mostly better. He still has some muscle imbalance but that will take a bit of time to get back. But his wound is down to just the smallest little scab and he's leaving it alone so it's healing fast. He is running and jumping and playing and not limping or favoring the leg, even at the end of the day. He won't have another vet appointment until the 25th but I'm pretty positive he's fine now. 

So I've been putting the house back together from it being a sick ward. It's been a bit of a job. Partly because there are things that I need to look at and decide if they are salvageable or not. The pin in his hip tore up most of the cloth things and the open wound on his leg stained pretty much everything else. I've cleaned up some things and decided some things weren't too damaged but then there is the rest. What do I throw out? What did we get for this time (the foam pad for the floor, the crate for the living room) that we should keep and what can be donated?

And while I do that I am looking at some furniture we have that could stand to be replaced. And Tux has started to destroy the Berber carpet in the basement so that could be replaced as well. And...

So it's taking awhile. 

And part of the things I'm looking at replacing the frugal part of me is thinking, there is no way it's been long enough to do that! I mean I just bought that foam pad last month! Getting rid of it now seems so wasteful! 

But I bought it because sleeping on a few pillows on the floor was killing my hips. It had a purpose. I don't need it anymore. If we have guests they can have the bed in the spare room or the really comfy couches if we have more than one at a time. I'm not sure a foam mat is the best option. And I know it's not for anyone over 5'6". So it did what it was supposed to do. It was useful. But I don't really need to shove it in a closet or in the garage for "maybe."

Then I started thinking it was sort of like the Kondo stuff. But I've never been good at the "Does this spark joy?" sort method. Some things don't spark joy but are very practical to have. So I'm looking at everything and thinking, have your served your purpose? Did I get the use out of you that I needed to? And will I get more use out of you or are you done?

So I'm back at it's okay that we need new bedding because I got a good amount of use out of it before we used it in the sick room and then it was incredibly important to have while Tig (and I) needed some cushioning and comfort. It's okay that the carpet downstairs needs to be replaced, I mean, it's still original from when we moved in almost 20 years ago so Tux destroying it is really just a good motivator. And it's okay that the whole bedroom suite (also about 20 years old) is in need of a refresh and that the mattress (only 4 years old) gets replaced as well. It was expensive, but I've never really liked it. And one thing I learned the past few weeks, a comfortable place to sleep should never be taken for granted!

Then I started to think that this is a lesson I have to learn over and over in my life. Let go of the things that are not serving you well anymore. It's okay. Even if it was great in the past, if it's not working for you right now let it go. 

And don't feel badly about it. 

That's the tricky part. 

We start thinking of the maybes and the what ifs and the used to bes and we hold on to things and ideas and sometimes even people who are not serving our best interests anymore. And it's okay to let them go. 

I had a friend drop me off of their Facebook list sometime in the past few months. Now it could have been the plethora of kitten pictures but my guess is it's because as we've grown older we've grown very distant from each other in our belief system. There were plenty of times she'd post something that I passionately disagreed with but I didn't let her go. We had been friends since our kids were pre-schoolers. We used to have holidays together. But it was all used to be. And in the past. Now? We are very different. And she finally reached the point where the past didn't hold sway over her present. And though I was a little sad when I saw it I was like yeah, that needed to happen. We weren't serving each other's best interest anymore. 

So here's to making good choices on what and who we keep in our lives. Ideas, people, things, make sure they are still serving your best interests. And if they aren't it's okay to let them go. In fact it's necessary. If you never get rid of the old you don't have room for the new. 

Now to shop for a new bedroom set...who wants to guess if it will take longer or shorter than the time to find a new couch? 

It's Not Supposed to Work Like This...

 We've used the word so much in the last four years that it has almost lost its meaning. What we are seeing right now is unprecedented. He is refusing to accept defeat (which we all sort of knew he would) and the Republicans in Congress are supporting it. 

What?

That's the part that I think we all figured wouldn't happen. 

I mean, I'm not sure why as they've aided and abetted him for his entire presidency but...

For me it was because I knew that once he lost they would realize they didn't have use for him anymore. What I didn't think about is that they see that they've lost the party. It's his right now. Still. And they need that base. So as I heard (NPR maybe?) Trump might be going away but Trumpism is here to stay. 

But right now it feels a bit like he's not going away either. 

He is suing in every way he can think of. The cases are getting tossed right away because there is no merit to them, but he's still doing it. He has his lapdog Barr issuing statements the the DOJ will look into any substantial accusations of voter fraud, which there aren't any, so they aren't but just by saying it it makes it look like maybe there are to his base. He's working on a budget for next year. A budget. For next year. That would be presented to Congress in February. A month after he is supposed to leave office.

He's acting like it won't happen. 

Like he didn't lose. 

I've read way too many doomsday scenarios about what he wants to do, how they want to put in their own electors at the state level who won't go with the vote. How if he can get it tossed to the House of Representatives to review it would actually end up with a Republican majority because of counties or something? It was all very complicated. But basically he wants it in front of the Supreme Court first. If he can't do that he wants to use faithless electors. Any means necessary. 

And they are letting him. 

He's grabbed them by the Constitutional Crisis and they are letting him get away with it. 

I'm trying really hard not to be worried. But it's so difficult to think that THIS TIME he won't get away with it. I mean, it's a coup, he shouldn't be able to get away with it, but right now it looks like he might. 

This week has also seen a mass exodus of Republicans to Parler. It's a social media site to compete with Twitter and Facebook. The bragging rights are that there is no censorship. So basically all of the disinformation that has been tagged on Facebook and Twitter as being untrue is spreading there unchecked. Honestly there is a new conspiracy theory every day on how the Democrats stole this election and how the only places where votes should count was where Republicans won and the rest is all fraud. 

They literally cannot imagine a world in which they lost. 

Which I get. I totally do. I was there four years ago. But instead of thinking the votes were wrong I lamented the fact that the votes didn't matter. It's heartbreaking and a bit terrifying when you see someone elected that you think is going to cause nothing but chaos. 

Now I've found out it's terrifying to see them not get elected as well. 

Now We Know...

So it's Saturday and the AP called Pennsylvania for Biden which closed it all up. Finally. We will have a new president in January.

But we aren't done with this election just yet. 

The Trump team is still arguing that the whole thing was rigged. That it was fraud. That there is NO WAY that he lost.

He did. It wasn't fraud. It wasn't rigged. He just lost. The razor thin margins he won those battle ground states by last time didn't hold. 

But it wasn't a huge loss. It was a much closer election than it should have been. 

Watching my conservative friends' feeds this morning, yes I still have a few, and it's amazing to me how different the world view is. Large group of people that are terrified of the radical Joe Biden. 

Joe Biden. 

Joe.    Biden.

The only man in America that still believes there is some sort of bipartisan aisle crossing deal making that can happen.  

The candidate that made the far left (still makes them) apoplectic that he was the nominee. 

What?

They are also lamenting the gloating and the name calling from the left right now. 

Because they have been and would have been so gracious. 

And they believe it. 

It's not like they are saying "we would have been so kind while we drank their liberal tears and called them snowflakes and asked if they were triggered, lol." They really, honestly, all got collective amnesia about their own behavior for the past four years. 

And the far left is already chastising the middle left about how it's their fault the election was so close because they didn't have the balls to go all in on healthcare and green policies while the middle left screams are you fucking kidding me to the far left  because they are feeling like the election was only this close because of them. 

And Trump's legal team is at a landscaping company (what?) announcing all of the lawsuits they are going to file.

And we had 120,000 new cases of Coronavirus reported.

And Trump golfs.

If you thought there was going to be some sort of blanket of healing and reconciliation after this I think you were delusional. I mean, I'd like to see it, but I'd like to see it be healing where we understand that our country has some serious issues that need dealt with and we need to fix them so we can move on together. 

And a large percentage of white voters do not agree with me. 

So we are still going to see the awfulness and the bitterness and the pushback.

And yes, I called out white voters. One because I'm a white voter. I'm a white woman voter to be specific and we are seeing preliminary numbers coming out that they, we (but not me) went for Trump in even higher numbers than last time. What. the. actual. fuck?

So yeah, I am going to call them out because we progressives need to stop leaning on others to pull us out of these messes. Black women have been carrying our asses over the finish line over and over again. And I am super fucking grateful for that, trust me, but we need to do better. We need to carry ourselves. Find our own bootstraps as it were...

I know the system is designed for white men. That's the whole systemic racism and patriarchy thing. And I know that white women are better off than women of color. That's also part of the racism and the patriarchy. But just because it's better for you than it is for someone else doesn't mean you fight to keep the system. 

Honestly. 

You need to be fighting for those that are doing the worst, not those that are doing just fine.

I said it before, Trump's victory four years ago wasn't really going to touch me personally. Like my house, my husband, my son. It was going to effect my next circle out. But not me. If Trump had been reelected and the country went down in flames I would still most likely have been fine. We aren't rich by any means, but we are comfortable. We have enough. And we are white. It wasn't going to hurt me. 

But it was going to be devastating to others who are not middle aged comfortable white folks. And that's why we needed to vote differently. Ethical voting means you vote for the greatest possible good and least possible damage.

I don't mind paying taxes if they help people who need help.

I want social services that provide a safety net for those that need it. 
I want healthcare covered for everyone.
I want educational opportunities for all who want them. In a variety of ways. College, training programs, apprenticeships. 
I want drug rehab available for those that need it.
I want housing to be addressed for those that are living on the street or in cars or in temporary shelters. 
I want equality of opportunity for everyone. 

But we have to actually look at why we don't have that and be honest about the fact that we haven't addressed it. We haven't looked at it with clear eyes. We are so worried about being called racist that we won't deal with the racism. We want to talk about the good cops instead of looking at a system that does everything it can to protect the bad ones. We want to paint our past in watercolor and blur out the bad stuff and act like it didn't happen when it would make a much better story to show how bad it was and THEN overcome it and make it better. 

We want to demonize the poor and pretend that it's because they are bad people, or made bad choices instead of realizing it could have been us. 

We don't want to listen to our friends who aren't white, or straight, or well off, and hear what they are saying. What challenges they are facing. What day to day life is like walking in their shoes. Because if we actually listened we'd be forced to act. 

I've said before that I don't have white guilt. I don't feel responsible for what my ancestors might or might not have done. I don't carry shame for what other white people do now. Guilt and shame are actionable emotions. So I don't have them. I do have a sense of responsibility for using what I have to make the world better for those around me. With my vote. With my voice. With my pocketbook. 

We are in for a lot of struggle and fight the next four years. Especially if the runoff election in Georgia doesn't give control of the Senate to the Democrats. And even if it does. 

We need to stay focused. 

We need to turn out at the midterm elections just like we have the past two elections and keep the ball rolling for progress.

We need to tune out the voices on the Right that are going to be calling us unsympathetic, or unwilling to compromise. I am absolutely willing to compromise if it means making things better. But I am unsympathetic to you crying that you don't get to keep it all and not share. Not even sorry about that. 

So congratulations President Elect Biden and Vice President Elect Harris (and yes, it's a big fucking deal that the VPE is a woman and a woman of color, and things like that will continue to be a big deal until there are so many that it's not). And thank you to all of the people who made that happen. 

Take a victory lap.
Gloat if you fucking want to.
But then get to work.

We have a lot to do. 

"In Order to form a more perfect Union..."

We have a chance. 

And Now It's Friday...

 Tuesday election and we still don't know the result.

Well, we sort of know the results.

Biden is now leading in most of the remaining states. The election could be called for him today. 

But...

Trump has already started with his lawsuits. He has declared the whole thing a fraud and wants to take it to the Supreme Court.

Which the me from four years ago would be like fine. Take it to the Supreme Court. Even after living through 2000 I wouldn't have batted an eye. The difference is too large. The accusations are too unhinged. 

But...

This isn't four years ago. This is 2020. After living through a Trump presidency and seeing time and time again that the things we thought would protect our institutions didn't. 

So the dread from Tuesday night when Florida went to him and I thought we we were going to see him re-elected faded into the disappointment of Wednesday when the giant blue wave did not materialize and the realization that authoritarianism and racism were popular is now the trepidation of "could he steal this election?"

I have pretty much stopped watching him give speeches over the past few years. It's just never helpful. But yesterday I watched his press conference. He stood at a podium for 17 minutes and lied about what happened. Cast huge shadows of doubt on our election process. Which he has been doing for months, but to see it after the vote? To realize that he is not going to back down, and because he's not going to back down his followers are going to always believe this election was stolen somehow. 

Which the best response I've seen to that is that if Democrats were going to steal this election why wouldn't they have ousted McConnell?

But of course logic isn't really strong there.

I was afraid that if Donald Trump was elected it would mean the end of our little experiment of a country. Now I'm afraid that it is anyway.

Trump might have been voted out but it appears Trumpism is here to stay.

Sad.

Now the hopeful part...Georgia.

Thank you Stacey Abrams for not taking your marbles and going home when your election was suppressed right out of your grasp. Thank you so much for instead making sure everyone had marbles to play. (Okay, it fell apart a little but still...) Thank you for continuing to fight to get people registered and out to vote. Georgia is a squeaker and will go to a recount who would have ever guessed that? And more importantly, the senate runoff election. Control of the senate is still in play. It's a long shot, and my goodness I would hate to live in Georgia for the next couple of months, but still... It's in play. 

Stacey Abrams did that. 

Make her the head of the DNC already. 

So right now I believe that Biden won but I also believe that Trump is not going to go quietly into that goodnight. But there is still hope on the horizon. 

And sometimes that's enough. 

Well...

 So no big giant blue wave.

It was a hope not a belief but it's still sad to let it go. 

Still waiting on results to see who actually won the presidency. It's looking like it will be extremely tight. Like a state or possibly two deciding. Crazy tight. 

And, of course, Trump has already declared himself the winner and wants all vote counting to stop and is threatening to take it to the Supreme Court. 

Which we knew he would do. 

So we wait.

And the feeling of dread is palpable. 

And the knowledge that half of the voters in this country still supported that man.

After everything he did. 

After everything he showed them that he was. 

Half said, yep, four more years of that sounds good.

We can't say it's not who we are anymore. Honestly we couldn't four years ago but grace and all that...

This is who half of us are. 

And I think that's the part that is making it really rough for a lot of us. We had convinced ourselves that there would be a giant blue wave of voters to repudiate Trump. And that if the Republicans couldn't vote for Biden than at least they wouldn't vote for Trump. They would go third party, or leave it blank, but no. They voted for him. Millions of people voted for him. 

Which even seeing the Trump Caravans and Boat Parades and Death Wish Campaign events you could kind of convince yourself that yeah, sure, he still had a few thousand hard core supporters but not millions...So far it's like 66 million.

Wrap your head around that one. 

I know that Republicans like to mock Liberal tears but...

It's fucking sad as hell. 

It hurts my heart. 

And I know that it means we are no where close to the reconciliation that we needed. There is no reconciling with someone who denies the basic human rights of people you love. There is no reconciling with someone who thinks demonizing people looking for a better way of life is a good thing. There is no reconciling with someone who won't even wear a fucking mask to prevent the spread of a disease that has killed hundreds of thousands of Americans, and will kill hundreds of thousands more. 

That's not someone you reconcile with. It's someone you repudiate. 

And they didn't. 

It's all very sad. 

Fingers Crossed...

So it's election day. 

It's been a rough four years.

Really rough.

Our country is teetering on the edge of implosion.

And I know that sounds so dramatic but...

We have heavily armed militias just super excited about a crack at a civil war.

We have a group that has literally called themselves the resistance for four years which is ready for that fight. 

We are all angry.

And tired.

And tired of being angry.

It's a powder keg. 

And Trump is dancing around it holding a match.

He is. 

I don't want to hear about both sides because honestly, I'm super tired of that. Super. Tired. 

If Joe Biden was saying that he wanted to throw out votes. That our elections are rigged. That if he loses nothing that happens is valid. That we need a large group of Democrats to go stand at the polls and watch people vote. Then maybe, maybe I'd give you both sides, but even then it wouldn't be exact because one of them is currently president right now and the office holds weight. 

But Biden isn't saying any of that. Maybe others in the party are pushing for revolution if Trump wins, but you cannot compare anyone else saying something to the President of the United States saying it. You can't. 

So we all wait and see...

The polling puts Biden in the lead. But we all remember the polling from 2016 and since it's not 100% Biden for sure, there is a chance Trump takes it again. The polling wasn't wrong in 2016, we just didn't let that 20% chance that Trump wins take root in our collective imaginations. Not even his supporters did. Hell, he didn't. He was already planning his media channel. But because he won now we are all suffering from flashbacks to that feeling when you realized he was going to be the president and we are worried.

So fucking worried.

What if? 

What if he wins again? How bad does it get? How do we ever recover? 

Because we're already looking at a really rough recovery. We are in an economic downturn, businesses are closing, people are unemployed, Moscow Mitch was too busy packing the Supreme Court to get a relief bill passed. And we are still dealing with the pandemic so there is no quick fix on the horizon. It's going to get worse before it can get better. No matter who wins.

In 2008 I was talking to someone who was going to vote for McCain and I said that no matter who won it was going to be hard. The economy was tanking hard. We were are on the start of the recession. The first thing that a new president would be taxed with was stopping the bleeding, then they could look at recovery. And we both agreed it would probably take 10 years before it was better. Obama did it in less time. The economy was ticking along a good pace when Trump took office. (Republicans HATE when you point this out) But whoever takes over, or heaven forfend, keeps office in January will not have an economy ticking along at a good pace. It will be bad. This winter will be bad. 

And this time I have no guesses for when it gets better. 

Because we have to deal with the pandemic first. 

Then we have to assess how bad things are. 

What all was lost?

And then we have to figure out how to work together to get things going right again. 

And, I'm sure you've noticed, we are not good at working together anymore. 

We have failed as a society to take care of our most vulnerable. We have failed as a society to treat everyone as equal. We have failed as a society to have a just system. Failed to have an equal opportunity system. Failed to have a system that actually works.

And I'm not sure how we stop failing. 

My hope is for a giant blue wave. And then the understanding that with those majorities there needs to be action. Big, serious, decisive action. Which would demand that people get comfortable listening to the other side complain. And say how awful it is. And how when THEY were in power they played by the rules and took input...and yeah, I know, but you know they would do it. They are brazen.

And if the left isn't comfortable using the power a blue wave would give them they will not be able to hold on to the majorities. This is going to be a huge turnout election and a large part of that is people who are just so sick and tired of Trump and of the Republicans empowering him. But there is another part of it that is his base turning out to try and keep him in office. If the left lets down their guard they will be back where they started. If the left doesn't actually work toward fixing some of the power, money, quality of life imbalances then they will lose a whole generation of voters as well. 

 We need change. 

And I would love to get behind the "we can disagree without hating each other, we are political opponents not mortal enemies" vibe. I really would. I want to. So much. But I'm not there. And I'm not there because I've watched the other side worry about profits over people. Worry about bottom lines instead of health care. Worry about who is fucking peeing in the stall next to them instead of who can have a job, a house, get married, adopt children... Worry about the brown person coming for your job more than the fact that we have jobs that pay so little people can't afford rent when they are working full time. I'm not sure how I can look at you and your money grabbing little hands and pointy kicking boots and think, yeah, you're a decent person who just has different ideas than I do...

Show me something else and maybe I get there. But right now? No. 

So yes, we are failing at coming together. And I know right now I'm part of that problem. But I don't want to come together and compromise if that means you get to be a little awful to people and I get to be a little good to people. 

Fuck that. 

That's not a compromise worth making. 

I want a giant blue wave.

I want huge progressive policies passed.

I want a better life opportunity for everyone. 

I'm just not positive that we are going to get it. 

Fingers crossed.
Breath held.
Nerves taut. 

Please. Please let it get better. 

It's That Day Again...

 So it's Dia de Muertos today. Or Dia de los Muertos. I switch back and forth on if I use the longer or the short version. I actually looked it up this year to see which one was right and got the "it's all good, no?" response so...yeah. 

Reading my On This Day posts and it started with remembering Jack. Then remembering Jack and Dad. Last year I actually put together an ofrenda, it was the week after Mom's funeral and it seemed right to do one. I did it just for my parents. I memorialized Jack in my blog and in my posts, but the ofrenda itself was just Mom and Dad. Which looking back this year I thought it was odd.

Then I started thinking about if I were to make one this year, which I'm not going to make an actual one because kittens...

But anyway, when I started to think about making one I was trying to decide what I would use to represent Jack and what I would put as an offering. Like for my folks I put Dad's ring and Mom's owl and used their favorite candies. For Ann I have a smaller glass bauble and I thought a shot of tequila or a Margarita would work, but what would I do for Jack? I've got some bigger items, the flag from his funeral, a gargoyle, a Frank Lloyd Wright clock. Maybe his challenge coins from the funeral? The ones people gave us. 

And then I remembered thinking last year about using the coins. And that I didn't because I wasn't sure they were really him. Or what I thought of as him anyway. And then the thought of "Ann carries him like Mom carried Dad so not this year."

Oh.

That's right. Last year I talked myself out of the coins and finding a brownie or some pizza for the ofrenda for Jack because like Mom had been the main memory keeper for Dad, Ann was holding Jack. And that it wouldn't be until Ann died that we would become the main keepers. And that wouldn't be for years.

That's what I had decided.

We all know how that worked out.

So...

I'm not making an actual ofrenda this year but I am thinking about one. 

A sugar skull surrounded by marigolds. My father's ring, my mother's owl, Ann's bauble and Jack's clock. The picture of Jack and Ann where they are standing by The Gorge and the picture of my parent's from the last time we had family pictures done. Orange slices and chocolate covered peanuts with a turtle brownie and a giant Margarita on the rocks, no salt.

Honor your dead. Remember them fondly. Hold them in your hearts. Build them an ofrenda, real or a vision of one. And remember that you don't get to decide or to know when your loved one will become part of your ofrenda instead of part of your life.

Rest in peace to our parents. We hold your memory now.