Settling...

The heater clicked on and she heard the familiar pings and pops from the warm air coursing through the vents. The warmth expanding the joints, filling the walls. She knew that later on when the heat turned off she would hear the clicks and creaks of the house settling back into itself. The cold contracting everything again.

When she was a child the noises had scared her. Her mother telling her that the house was settling did not make her feel any better. What was it settling for? Was it waiting to fall on them or suck them into a ghostly vortex but was settling for waiting? When her father explained to her that settling could also mean a sort of relaxing she felt better. Comforted.

She imagined her house settling into its own foundations. Solid. Firm. A kind of settling she liked the idea of. 

Not the settling of a mediocre existence. 

Where your job was just okay. 

Your boyfriend was fine. 

Everything was...

Well everything was. 

She sighed.

She was not one to settle.

Not for long. 

She had in the past, of course, everyone does sometimes.

But she didn't dwell.

If she realized that a job wasn't really challenging her she moved on to a new position. 

If she found a relationship wasn't fulfilling she said her goodbyes and found a new one. 

She just refused to settle. 

Except into herself. Into her own foundations. The familiar comfort.

The good kind of settling. 

She took a deep breath and listened to her house creak. Felt the warmth from the heater. Thought about settling. And how she wouldn't. And why that meant her cheating bastard of a boyfriend had to die.

She refused to settle.  

Phantom Pain...

She hadn't remembered. That's the first thing that struck her. She hadn't even thought about it. She thought about the years when she would dread it as the day got closer and closer and she could feel the weight of anger and sadness start to take over. And then there were the years where it had snuck up on her. She was fine and then she would write out the date and remember. Oh. 

But this year? She almost made it the whole day without thinking about it. Almost. It was finally there at the end. Some small part of her mind told her, hey, you know what today is right?

Oh yeah. It is. 

And she thought about it. Thought for a second that she was going to get mad or sad all over again. As she had before but...

No.

She could remember it. The anger. The sadness. The feeling of being betrayed. But that's all it was. The memory of the feeling. Not the feeling. Not anymore.

It had been like a sore tooth. She had poked at it with her tongue. Not being able to leave it alone. Feeling the pain, swearing she wouldn't do it again, but she would. Then having the offending tooth pulled and her tongue still searching out that space. That sore spot. Until eventually the pain was gone but by habit her tongue would return again and again to the same space. A nervous habit without any remembrance of the pain. And then one day she didn't do it anymore. The missing tooth was just part of who she was. No need to poke at it. 

She had been so angry. She had been sad as well. But anger. There was so much anger. 

It took her awhile to reflect. 

She had known it was coming. She had known eventually she would have to deal with it, but when it happened? She had felt betrayed. Blindsided. He hadn't considered her at all. And that was what hurt. What made her furious. 

What fueled her life for a longer time than she would like to admit. 

She had realized that for so long she had still thought of what he might feel before she did something. Even though there was no reason to. No real reason to. But she had. Until then. 

Then she used it. He didn't think about me so...

So she cut her hair. Even though he liked it long. Why did she care that he liked it long? He didn't care about her. 

She toured Europe. Even though it was his dream vacation. Why did she care if he had always wanted to do what she was doing? He didn't care about her. 

She bought new clothes.
She bought a new car.
She got a new job. 
She got a new life.

And eventually she didn't think about what he wanted, what he liked, what he cared about. 

She cared.

And that was enough. 

Maybe eventually she wouldn't remember at all. The day would pass and it would be weeks before she thought of it. Realizing that she had missed the day. 

Maybe. 

But for now the memory of the pain was still there. But the pain was gone. The old rotted tooth had been pulled and she had healed. 

Another Anniversary to Mark...

 A year ago we were getting ready to have Mom's funeral. We had pushed it off from when she died in August to give a few family members time to get back to New Mexico. At the time I told you all that I absolutely didn't recommend doing it that way. That it was just like having your grief stuck on hold for awhile and then having to start fresh again. 

Then came the pandemic.

So many people have had to put their grief on hold. To either wait on funerals or to hold them with only a handful of people there. For loved ones to pass alone in hospitals or nursing homes and then to not even be able to gathering as loved ones to mourn them. 

It's been awful to watch. 

And it makes me wonder what we are all going to be facing when this crisis time has passed.

Grief on hold. 

Because we are all grieving right now, in various ways. Some of us have lost family or friends. Some have lost jobs. Or businesses. Most all of us have lost our sense of normal. And it's not just going to come right back. Even when/if we get a vaccine that works. And, I think I've said this before but I'm going to say it again, I'm not totally sold on the idea that a vaccine is going to work. Or at least not like we think of with measles or mumps or shingles. It's a type of coronavirus which is what the common cold is. A type of coronavirus. And colds mutate. That's why we get so many of them. And the typing that's happing with this virus shows that there are multiple strains out there. So how will a vaccine work against a mutating virus? I'm not an immunologist so maybe there is some sort of formula that hits a lot of strains and wipes it out, but I just don't understand it. And maybe it will be like the flu vaccine and we will need to get a different one every year. The flu is a different type of virus but still a mutating one, and we are still fighting the virus from the 1918 Flu Pandemic. It didn't "go away" either, just mutating and circulating. I will still get the vaccine when/if they come up with one that they think is promising but I'm not 100% positive that it's the silver bullet people think it is. 

Anyway...

Once that happens. Once we have some more protection from this. Or we all learn how to exist with it out there (wear your damn masks, people) we still aren't going to go bouncing back to normal. The people we've lost aren't coming back. A lot of those businesses aren't coming back. Those lost jobs aren't coming back. At least not for awhile. I think we are going to hit a strong recession, possibly a depression before we are through this. And I know a LOT of you are like, THAT'S WHY WE HAVE TO OPEN THE ECONOMY RIGHT NOW! But, look around. You can open a theater but you can't convince most people it's safe to go to a show. You can open a restaurant but you can't convince everyone that eating inside with people you don't know is a great thing. 

I read a story on the Navy Pier in Chicago and they closed early for the season because nobody was coming. Or not enough people, anyway. They had shut down then reopened and one of the business owners said he was doing about 6% of his normal sales. Six. Because you can open a store but if the virus isn't contained it doesn't matter. There aren't enough of the "who the hell cares?" people out there to sustain everything. And as we get more spikes, which are happening all across the country, it's just going to keep people in and away. 

So there will be more death. A lot more death, as I mentioned, cases are spiking and we still aren't doing anything to contain it, not really, not consistently, not everywhere. There will be a lot more financial upheaval. And we've got a brewing Civil War on our hands too. I think the rise of Q and the real acrimony between people has been exacerbated by the grief we are all living with. We want TO DO SOMETHING and Q has tapped in to that with people who believe that they are somehow really saving children. And the battles between political parties is a way to feel like you are doing something important in a world that's out of control. Good guys and bad guys and if we can help the good guys win then everything is better. Well...

I do want a massive Blue Wave. I do think Trump needs booted from office. And in such large numbers that there is no question that the majority of the American people saw him for what he is, finally, and said, that's not who we are, that's not what we want to be. 

But I don't think it's going to make things all better. I think if Biden wins he's facing and even more difficult presidency than Obama did. And Obama came in as the economy was crashing down around us. I think it's going to be really difficult. And I think there are going to be people rooting for him to fail. And I think there are some pretty scary groups out there that are just waiting to fuck some shit up (we've have multiple arrests for planned political kidnappings lately) So no, I don't think it's going to be all better. I think it's going to be really hard.

And we are all going to have to do it while we grieve.

A year ago we had my mother's funeral. We put it off to give people a chance to be there. I don't recommend it. But we are going to be doing it as a country here really soon. We are going to be dealing with the grief, with the loneliness, with everything that has happened during this stretch. 

I hope we are able to do it together. 

But Wait! There's More!

 It feels a little personal.

I mean, I know everyone is going through shit right now, but it still feels a little personal.

We finally got kittens again. After 6 years, we got kittens. We went back and forth on it a lot. We travel, we go to hockey games and shows. But with Covid shutting everything down we let our guards down and decided that sure, kittens would be good. By the time everything reopened they would be past the little stage and we could leave them alone here and there for sure. 

And they are so cute. And really lovely. And they love each other and play together and cuddle and the bond was instant and wonderful. And my onslaught of kitten pictures on Facebook has been met with mostly "Thank you! We needed kittens in our lives!" only a few, "Nobody needs to see that many pictures of kittens."

So yeah, it was such a good idea. A bright spot in the gloom. A positive out of 2020.

And then...

Tig fell. 

He fell off the back of a chair he had been on multiple times over the past week or so. He's our terror. He climbs and jumps and runs and does kitten pakour everywhere he goes. So falling isn't that unusual. But as soon as he hit I knew he was hurt. He yowled. Tig doesn't make loud noises. He's a squeaker. His meow is kind of pathetic. But this was the full grown cat yowl. And then he wouldn't put weight on the leg. 

So the vet calls started, me hoping that it would be a bruise or maybe a dislocated hip. 

Ended up at the Emergency vet, which Google helpfully let me know I had last been there 6 years ago...

It's a bad break. Diagonal. Near the growth plate. The vet at the emergency clinic said they maybe could repair it, or possibly amputate. He suggested calling our regular vet again to tell them what it was and see if they could do the surgery sooner than he could, which would be the next night. 

Vets are incredibly busy right now. Everyone got pets during the shutdown and Portland is a pet heavy place anyway.

So I get ahold of our vet and let them know what happened as the Emergency vet emailed copies of his x-rays over. How amazing is that really? In my lifetime that is something that didn't exist, now it exists and we take it completely for granted. When I say our vet, I meant the whole practice, so our vet gets back to me that yes, the orthopedic surgeon can do the surgery that day and just bring him back over. 

So now it's been 4 hours or so since the fall, back in the car with him once they could process him back out and back over to our vet. It was a hot day on Wednesday, but thank goodness it was hot like mid 80 not hot like 90 or 100. See, you can't sit inside and wait, you give them your pookie and then you wait in your car. And it's an emergency room so you wait your turn. Four hours. Stomach churning nerves and heat. So good.

They do the surgery, I talk to the vet, we make plans for a pickup the next day so I can get some supplies. 

We have to keep him calm. 

For two months. 

Two months.

He's already sure he's well enough to play and jump and climb. 

If he's not asleep, which is most hours of the day, but there are four or five he's not. He's ready to take on the world. 

Stoned to the gills. 

Wired and strong.

The first collar they gave us was too heavy for him. Poor guy was flopping around everywhere. 

We were trying to let him go without a collar at all while we were awake and watching, so at night he could wear one, but the rest of the time no.

Well that didn't work. He's fast. As soon as you blink he's at the stitches or the rod. 

Oh the rod. 

So the break, to fix it they wrapped his leg and the two bone shards that came off with a mesh cage. And he has a rod through his femur for stability. But since he is growing he also has an inch of rod sticking out of his hip. Which he hates. With a vengeance. If he can get to it he's chewing on it. 

So yeah, the collar. We have him in a softer lighter one right now, he still hates it. Fights it when he's awake. But it gives us a little piece of mind that he might, maybe, possibly, keep his stitches in long enough for the leg wound to heal. 

It's hard. I mean I know I sound whiny, but, guys, it's hard. 

He needs constant supervision. He hates all of it and fights every step. His brother doesn't understand why he can't play with him. And vice versa. The beautiful bonded pair we had is going to spend 2 months being told they can't play together and I am so worried they will both end up neurotic and hating each other. 

We had that. George and Gracie were not good together. Gracie was a mean bully and George was so much a better pet when she was gone. Which is awful to say, but it's so true. We didn't even know how bad it was until she was gone. We had thought that he was just a little standoffish and a loner, but no, it's that she terrorized him. 

And I am so worried that we are going to end up in a situation like that again.

And I get it, the sleep depravation is making it all seem so much harder and worse. But that's also a big part of it. Brent and I are sleeping on the bathroom floor in shifts so that someone is always with him. Because when he gets wound up in those hours that he's awake, we are terrified he's going to hurt himself. So yeah, I'm exhausted. Brent's exhausted. Tux is insulted. Tig is a mess...

It's been a year. 

And it so feels personal. 

This is why we can't have nice things....