And How Did We Do?

End of the year wrap up time. 

I decided to go back into full tilt goals for 2021 hoping that made the year a little better than 2020. And because I was full of optimism for 2021 at the end of 2020. I mean vaccines were approved and starting to roll out, things were going to go back to semi normal. I mean what could happen?

Well, Betty White died today. Eighteen days away from her 100th birthday big deal celebration that everyone was really excited about. So yeah, that's 2021 for you all wrapped up in a giant sauerkraut bow. 

But I still rolled with a lot of goals so let's see how they went.

Actually? Pretty good. For me, on a personal goal filling level.

Reading, I was aiming for 84 books and when I finish the book I'm reading right now it will be 88. A little more but a clean break between years, which I LOVE.  I also finished the Discworld series and the two essay collections of his that I had on the list. Check and check and bonus end of year check.

Writing, so this was  mixed bag but mostly positive. I wanted to write 147 blogs total and 42 of those being fiction. When I publish this one I'll be at 149 total and 42 of those were fiction. So that's a check and a check. The boo bag part is that I had been planning on three total submissions, two contests and one other. That just didn't happen. I thought I might come in with a last minute push but instead I realized I don't really want to submit anything right now. I am not sure if the drive to be published and validated by an outside source is completely gone or not, but at least for now I just don't want it anymore. It's not important to me. So though I missed the gold star check for my 2021 goal I don't feel that badly about it. These goals are supposed to help me learn and grow and get better, that's a learning thing for sure. 

I wanted to shop less on Amazon. I did. I went from 113 orders to 91. Which isn't a ton less, but it's less, if you take out the groceries and gifts for others (Amazon still makes that much easier, gift cards or delivery off of their wish lists is super convenient and that's where they get you) the number drops all the way down to 40. That's a significant drop. So I'll keep working toward that knowing that it might be almost impossible for me to completely abandon them as they've got so many businesses just using them as their store front.

Flexibility. This was metaphoric and literal. I made sure to include a few nonfiction books by and about people who have much different life experiences than I do, and a few fiction as well. Which isn't unusual for me, but I made sure this year to make a special effort to look for authors and books in groups I felt like I didn't really know enough about. So that was the metaphor part. Be more flexible in my thinking. Embrace these kids today and their changing world view. Try to understand instead of getting rigid in my though patterns. I'll keep working on it.

The literal was adding some more stretches into my workout routine. That was successful as well. Still need more, so it will show up tomorrow, but I did make progress. Inches of reach were gained. 

Which leads us to fitness. I had two things here. I was going to finally try that elimination diet to see if it helped with my joint pain and I wanted to lose 21 pounds. Well I did the elimination diet which we all know how that went. And because of it I lost the weight as well. Full disclosure I'm at 20.3 pounds down as of today, but all month before this last week I was at 22 pounds down so this is a temporary Christmas yummy treats bump that will go away again in the new year. 

I did Daily Gratitude, Picture of the Day and Daily Calm in January, February and March. I wasn't sure when I set goals if I was going to do them all year, and I didn't. I did discover that the daily meditation just didn't really float my boat. All of the benefits you are supposed to get, I just didn't get extra. I realized that though I don't do a formal meditation practice I've been meditating in my own way for a very long time. I just didn't call it that. So that's good. It takes the "I can't meditate!" stress away. I can. I do. I just don't call it that. Daily Gratitude and Picture of the Day lost their interactive shine. People either aren't seeing them, or they just aren't commenting like they used to so I didn't feel the need to keep them up publicly. And since I set them up as a temporary goal I felt no pain in dropping them.

So 2021 was a year of most things checked off. Most goals reached. The biggest ones for sure done. 

And it still felt like a mess of a year. In fact it just felt like 2020 stuck around for another go round. 

I made the joke last year that 2021 sounded like 2020 Won and now we are headed into 2020 Too so...

But that's not actually fair. I mean we did have an easier time of it. No family deaths. No real sickness. We all got vaccinated without any major side effects. We had a family vacation to Disneyland that was fun. We've gotten to spend all of the holidays together without the fretting that we had last year. Omicron is here and we are all pretty sure at some point we will catch it but we aren't worried, as we are all vaccinated so it should be really mild if we do. So 2021 was okay. We just need to step back and see it. 

But I'm still hoping that 2022 is better. 

We're Still Doing This?

Remember last year this time when we were all full of hope about the new vaccines? How it looked like we were going to see the end of Covid? Good times...

Followed by really good hopeful times in the Spring when we all got our vaccines and started DOING stuff again! It was great. 

Then came Delta. And everything slammed shut again. Or at least they tried to slam it shut but once there is a foot in the door it doesn't slam so well. So we went back to masks and having to show proof of negative tests or vaccines and we thought well, maybe once this fades we will be back to normal again.

And then came Omicron and we are all just like...what the fuck?

Boosters and better masks and back to things being cancelled and...

It's not nearly as hopeful of an end of year as last year was.

The first time I wrote a blog about being in a pandemic I talked about how I wanted to capture what that felt like, how it was so surreal to actually know you are part of history while it's happening. 

That was almost two years ago.

And you know what is surreal now? How this is just life. How adaptable we all are. Or well most of us are. Most of us have just figured out how to make it work. What masks are the best or most comfortable. Which places we feel comfortable going. Which ones we don't. Getting our vaccines and our boosters. Just dealing. 

Or not. Omicron is making it's presence known in a different way. Super contagious. Vaccinated or not it looks like if you are around someone with it, you are getting it. They are saying it's as contagious as measles. 

As I type this World Juniors is being cancelled. Team USA had to forfeit a game yesterday, Czechia had to forfeit a game today, I am guessing there were a lot more coming and that was that. No tournament. 

College Football Bowl games have been cancelled, or other teams have stepped in. We are still hoping that the Michigan playoff game happens but maybe not. Positive cases are coming fast and furious again. 

It's really frustrating this time around. Because it's the REAL realization that this could be a forever thing. I mean, I've said it since it started that it was probably something we were just dealing with like the flu, but even logically knowing that, it still sucks to think maybe we were past the worst of it only to watch it flare back again. And to know that there are still people out there refusing to do the basics so they are providing incubators for more variants. Which then makes it more likely that we will keep doing this. And they will say things like, "I haven't changed my life and you did and look, you wasted your time and nothing changed!" Never grasping that it's because they didn't change that we are all stuck in this cycle. 

Frustrating. 

And the whole "I refuse to live in fear" like that's a virtue bullshit. I'm not asking you to live in fear, I'm asking you to take this seriously. I don't think you are hindering your non-fear based life by wearing a seatbelt in a car, or a helmet on a motorcycle, or by reading the directions before you just start popping painkillers. "Living in fear" is a great insult to throw at someone I guess. It makes you feel better. It makes you feel like you are doing the right thing. When you're just being an asshole. Because your lack of safety concern for yourself actually endangers all of us. That whole variant thing with the virus. Give it an incubator and watch it mutate. Yay...

And, like it or not, there are things to be afraid of. We've lost family and friends to death. The biggest fear. We've had friends get horrible cases and a few that are suffering from long haul Covid now. And a friend's son got the horrible heart issue side-effect from the vaccine. And we aren't the only ones who have seen these things. There are real things to be worried about. Death, illness, side-effects from the cure. All of these things are real. And we need to be aware and figuring out how to deal with them. 

And I get it, some people get the virus and wouldn't have even known they had it if they hadn't had to get tested, we have a few friends in that category as well. We've had friends get it and have a really mild set of symptoms as well. Just felt like a cold basically. Uncomfortable but nothing major. And we've had friends who got the vaccine who had zero side effects at all. Not even a day of feeling crappy. Just easy breezy.

And when all of those things happen the crowd that has never taken a precaution for the sake of someone else feels justified. They aren't sick. They don't know anyone who has died. They are pretty sure all of this is just made up. 

It's frustrating. 

Because it is scary.

And it isn't going away. 

We need to figure out how to balance safety and normalcy. 

We aren't there yet. And as Omicron rages through the world I don't know when we will get there. 

It's still surreal. But the most surreal part of it is how it's just real. All the time. This is life. 

Covid sucks, in all of it's mutations and variants. 

Here's to another year down, and hopefully next year it will be a remember when, not a still going on issue. 

Holiday Traditions...

Traditions.

She was thinking about traditions. 

Which made sense as she was laying out the Christmas Eve midnight snack tray that was her tradition. 

But how did things become tradition? And what about them made it tradition? For instance the snack tray she had in front of her. It wasn't this elaborate that first year. It was some crackers and cheese that were left over from an office Christmas party luncheon she had worked as a cater waiter a few days earlier. 

Traditions shifted with time and circumstance. But people didn't notice the changes, they only noticed the broad strokes. The big things that made them think it was always the same. Holidays, of course, helped. There are things we do every year on those days. But even then it all shifted around. Who was there to celebrate? Some years it was a lot of family, some years it was only a few. 

The first few years coming home for Christmas break from school. She and all of her high school friends would get together for a celebration. Then after college fewer and fewer of them came home every year. Holidays were split with the families of their new partners. Or they just stayed in the city where they worked. It was too much of a hassle to pack up everything and come home, and if they did come home it was only for a few days and there wasn't time for the whole gang to get together again. What had seemed like a tradition was over.

She had stopped going back the year her father died. Within a few months her mother had sold the house and moved to Boca Raton where her brother and his wife and their four kids lived. Her mother asked her if she was coming home for the holidays. Which had made her stop and wonder, what home? Boca Raton wasn't her home. Her family was there, but did that make it home? She didn't think so. She had begged off. Too much catering work with the holiday and she had an audition on the 26th she really didn't want to miss so not that year. Maybe next year?

But next year didn't happen either. And then she knew it never would. At least not for Christmas. 

She had her own tradition starting. 

She had spent a lot of time on this year's snack tray. She had found some imported olives that were just the right blend of fruity and salty. The cheese she had selected she had been served at the Oscar's after party. She had chased down one of the waitstaff to ask what it was and then been escorted back to the kitchen to talk to the cheesemonger, yes, they actually had a cheesemonger, about what she had been served and what other types of cheese she might like as well. She had pulled out her phone and taken detailed notes knowing even at the time that this cheese would be on her Christmas Eve tray. The crackers were artisanal crackers from a local farm. 

"What makes something artisanal?" Her brother had asked over the phone when he received his Christmas gift of cheese, crackers and cookies. "The price!" She heard her mother shouting in the background. She had laughed. Because it was almost true. Nothing marked as artisanal was cheap. 

But the Christmas Eve snack tray was worth it. 

"You know you don't have to go to so much trouble."

She turned around with a smile already on her face. "Merry Christmas! So good to see you!" 

He opened his arms and she fell into his strong embrace. He gave the best hugs in the world. The kind where you feel all of the stress just lift from your body. The kind where the only words that seem to fill your mind are safe and loved. She pressed her face against the soft velvet of his coat and breathed in the warm woodsy smell of him. 

"And I didn't go to a lot of trouble."

He smiled at her and said, "Careful. You know I can always tell if you're lying."

"I didn't. It's only trouble if you resent doing it. If you are giving out of the joy of giving then it cannot be trouble. A wise man once told me that." She winked. 

He laughed, "Oh! She listens!"

"She does. Now, sit, have a snack. Tell me about your year."

And the tradition continued. 

After he left she thought about that first night. The one with the leftover cheese and crackers. How it had all started. 

She had been feeling sorry for herself, understandable really. Firsts are hard. And her first Christmas without her father had hurt more than she had expected. Maybe she had made a mistake by not going to Boca. But the thought of being in her brother's house, with his wife, and their kids, and his in-laws and the sunshine and warm weather, it had all seemed so awful. Unbearable. But now she thought maybe it would have been fine. Who cares if the weather was all wrong, and the wrong people were there, and her father wasn't? 

But it was too late now. Maybe next year. 

She looked out of the living room window and watched the snow falling. At least the weather here was right. She was staying at a friend's place. Housesitting for them while they went skiing in Vermont. Last minute trip and they couldn't find a pet sitter on short notice. She had volunteered to stay and watch the dogs and the house so they could go. It was going to be their daughters first time skiing. 

The thump from the fireplace startled her enough to make her scream. 

Then wonder where the fireplace had come from. 

Her friends didn't have a fireplace.

But there was clearly a fireplace in the middle of the living room now. 

The bag on the floor must have been what made the thump. She knew none of what she was seeing made any sense and was about to pinch herself to wake up when down Saint Nicholas came with a bound. 

"What the hell?"

Now it was his turn to give a little startle scream. "Who are you? What are you doing here?"

"Who am I? Who are you? And what is all of that!" She gestured toward the fireplace as if there could be some sort of logical explanation.

"You know full well who I am. But this is Lexy Salazar's house and you are not Lexy Salazar or either of her parents. You are Amanda Bouldalier. And you are in the wrong house."

She just stared at him then. "Santa?"

"Of course, who else would I be?" And then he put a hand up to his ear. "Ah, well, there you go. Lexy is in Vermont skiing. Crossed wires. Late notice. Happens sometimes. Just not usually with witnesses."

"Santa?"

"Yes, dear, we've covered that. I'm Santa."

"I don't have any milk and cookies." 

"What?"

"I don't have any milk and cookies. You're Santa, there is supposed to be a snack. It's tradition right?"

"Well if you were expecting me, yes, that is the tradition."

"Would you like some cheese and crackers? I have some cheese and crackers. And ginger ale, if you'd like something to drink."

"Well, thank you, Amanda. That would be very nice."

"I mean, if you have time. I know you're really busy tonight."

"I can make the time."

And he did. And she learned over the years that on Christmas Eve he really could make time. It didn't work the same around him as it did everyone else. It stopped. It slowed. It warped and twisted. He needed more time and so he made it. And now every year on Christmas Eve he made time for her as well. 

But that first year, with the leftover cheese and crackers, that was the year that started it all. He had asked how she was doing. And then really listened. He hugged her while she cried. She just missed her father so much. He told her stories about what her dad had been like as a child. What gifts he'd asked for, the thank you notes he sent. It was as good of a first Christmas without him as she could have imagined. 

The next year she had gotten some snacks, just in case, and had waited up to see if he would come back. He did. That was the year he told her about the elves. How they had started the whole toy business in the first place. Over the years he told her a lot of stories. The one about Mrs. Claus and the year she had covered his route because he had a touch of the flu. He told her about the reindeer and what actually made them fly. He told her about the North Pole. What it was like to live there. What he did in the off season. And then just stories about the year before. What he and Mrs. Claus had done. What the elves were working on now. What the weather was like in Australia. 

They met every Christmas Eve. The cheese and crackers had gotten more expensive. The house had changed a few times. But she never missed a Christmas Eve visit from Saint Nick. It was her tradition. 

Their tradition.

Follow Up to Not Giving Up...

About an hour after I posted yesterday's blog I got the feedback portion from my submissions.

That was actually part of what made that last contest entry really intriguing. You were promised feedback on your writing. Which doesn't always (or even often) happen when you submit something. Sometimes you'll get what is clearly a form letter, "Not what we are looking for at the moment but keep submitting!" Even though they asked for a story about a black cat named Esther who had 6 toes and you sent them a story about a black cat named Esther who had 6 toes. 

Anyway...

I got the feedback portion yesterday. Feedback from four readers. Which made me laugh out loud since I had just upped my tally for my blog readers from three to four, and now here I was, still with four! The breakdown was two got what I was doing, really enjoyed it, never saw the twist coming and felt it landed exactly like it should have. One who felt kind of meh about the whole thing but liked the way I did it. And one who absolutely did not get what I was doing. Didn't know what a school pickup line was so did not understand the ending (why would two people be at a school pickup? Is it a driving school?) and felt like I shouldn't have repeated the mirror sequencing like I did. I mean he got it after the first time, why would I keep doing it? (I'm assuming it was a he, not knowing what a school pickup line is and not understanding the repeating the words was a style choice to build the tension just seemed really masculine energy to me)

Now I know why I didn't move on to the next round. Only 50% unabashedly positive reviews aren't going to cut it. But...I got 50% positive bumped up to 75% it was at least fine and only 25% you are an untalented hack who shouldn't ever type another word. Or at least none that repeat. 

I'm not really mad about that feedback. 

Because at least they read it. They had things to say about it. There was some constructive feedback in there as well as the positive and negative portions. And it kind of fits my general feelings about writing as a whole. 

I am not for everyone. I never will be. Hell, even the four of you that read all of my stuff don't always get what I'm doing in a story. 

And most importantly to me, it reinforced my feeling that I don't want to submit anymore. I don't think getting published is really in the cards. I think the idea of holding onto a book that I wrote was a great dream, but it's not really my dream anymore. I don't feel the same desire around it that I did. A few years ago getting actual feedback, and honestly the majority of it was positive, would have been enough to spur me on to keep trying. But this time? I read it. I sent a snarky response to Dana about the negative one and then...nothing. I barely remembered to mention it to Brent at dinner last night. But no feeling that I should try again. 

I just felt like what they said was what they thought. It was nice to hear the positives. It was helpful to get some style feedback ideas. It was amusing to roll my eyes at someone who didn't know what a school pickup line was and so assumed what I wrote didn't make sense. Which, to be perfectly fair, if you don't know what a school pickup line is, it wouldn't make sense to you. More than two people at a school at the same time for pickup? Whaaaa?

But I'm still good with not doing it anymore. I didn't give up. I didn't fail. I just don't enjoy it or feel a need for it anymore. 

But if you four stop reading me I might just go into an existential crisis tailspin and wonder what my place is on this Earth so don't do that, okay?

Not Giving Up...

So if there are any of you that are watching Drag Race Canada and aren't caught up on this season you should back out now so you don't get any spoilers. Not sure if there are any of you out there, but you know how I feel about spoilers so I want to make sure. 

Okay, good?

Good.

So like three episodes ago Kimora Amour told all the other Queens that she was ready to go home. That she had done everything should could and there was just no more to give. 

The other Queens were really upset with her. They kept telling her not to give up. And she was trying to make it clear to them that she wasn't giving up, she was just done. There was a difference. And I really understood what she was trying to say. Maybe it's due to age, the other Queens are all younger and still doing that "Meet My Potential" drive. Kimora is a little older. She is happy with her life and where she is. That striving part of her time is done. 

I'm older than she is and I really feel that. Which I know sounds odd in a way since I'm always coming up with little games and challenges and goals to keep reaching for things but...

I know who I am. I know what my limits are in certain areas. I know where I want to be. And sometimes I realize that what I was reaching for doesn't actually serve me. So I stop. It's not giving up. Or giving in. Or settling. It's knowing who you are. Knowing what is important to you. Knowing what is worth your time. And continually butting up against a wall you are not going to break down doesn't serve you.

And honestly at some point you realize that if breaking down that wall had really been all that important to you, you'd have done it when you were younger and still full of striving energy. 

I reached that this year with my writing. You know back in like September I decided I wasn't going to submit anything this year. I didn't submit last year, 2020 was not a year that needed more rejection. And 2021 was just shaping up to be a year that wasn't lending itself to a lot of quality fiction and maybe fiction all together was off my radar. 

And as soon as I let that go I had a little flourish of inspiration and I wrote a few pieces and then a new contest that seemed pretty tailormade for my fun zone dropped into my lap. (Things that sound dirty, but aren't) So I went ahead and entered. Which put me down one for contest submissions and one for other submissions. And the contest that I entered had multiple heats. The second part starts this weekend. Same sort of format, they give you a genre, an action and a word that must be used in the story and you have 24 hours to craft a micro fiction (250 words) story. So I was counting that second round as my second contest submission. 

Except I didn't make it out of round one. 

Got the news last night. There were 48 people in my group, the Top Ten advanced. I wasn't one of the top ten. There were five honorable mentions as well. I wasn't one of those. Forty eight stories, fifteen got kudos, thirty percent of the stories submitted were good enough. I was not in that 30%. It stung last night. A lot. 

I mean, I can absolutely justify it to myself on one hand. Even when I submitted I said I didn't like it. I thought it wasn't my best work at all. But, honestly? I thought even not being my best work I'd at least make it out of round one. The genre was not one I ever write. The prompts made it really difficult. But at least everyone was in the same boat right? Except clearly some of us were in a different storm...

So last night I looked over the titles and wished I could see the stories. Wondering what those stories were like. The ones that made it out. And then I had a realization. I didn't really actually care. I mean I would look and I would either agree or disagree but it wouldn't change what I did. What I was able to do. What I want to do. I've reached the max for myself with writing. I'm not giving up. I'm just done running into the wall over and over. 

I do not have the energy or the self confidence (delusion?) to self publish. I don't want to spend the time necessary to push my work out there through all the socials and book stores and everything you have to do to try and sell books when you don't have a publishing house behind you. I'm not going to pay a vanity press to put out my stories when I have my own vanity publishing platform right here. I'm tired of submitting to contests and anthologies only to keep being told my stuff isn't good enough. I have my own inner critic for that.

I have a little bit of talent. I'm not going to say that I don't. I enjoy getting feedback from the 4 people who read my stuff and enjoy it. I'm super excited that I have four when I used to have three. That's like a 30% increase in audience size and that's pretty damn good. But I also know that as soon as I said I wasn't worried about it I had a rush of ideas and when I went back to focusing on what I "needed" to submit they were gone. I've had enough. 

I totally get Kimora. I know who I am. I know what I do well. I have no desire to keep trying to push out of a space where I'm actually happy and proud of what I do. 

So here you go, enjoy the last (as far as I can tell, you know me, I might completely change my mind some point in the future) submission from me. It's not really a Denise type story. It's not really something I was super pleased with. But dammit...I still think it was pretty good. 

The rules were 24 hours to write the story
Micro-fiction 250 words not including the title
Prompts were:
Genre: Action and/or Adventure
Action: Winning a bet
Word: Scrap

The Chase

 Passenger mirror. Windshield. Rearview mirror. Windshield. Driver side mirror. Windshield. She repeated the words to herself as her eyes scanned the road ahead and the road behind. Something she had learned from her father. Keep one part of your brain busy and another will notice things you wouldn’t have otherwise.

And there it was. How long had it been there? She made a mental checklist. Red Subaru. Two cars back. She changed lanes. The Subaru changed lanes as well.

Traffic was picking up now. She needed to get further ahead, trap the Subaru behind her. Passenger mirror. Windshield. Rearview mirror. She slowed and changed lanes again. Tucking in quickly.

Driver side mirror. Windshield. Passenger side. Subaru.

One more lane change, then a burst of speed. Rearview mirror. The Subaru was now 5 cars behind, but she could see the driver scanning the road, trying to find a gap to catch her.  Driver side mirror. Windshield. Rearview mirror. Windshield. Passenger side mirror.

She turned right and tucked into a long line of cars. She was stuck now, and so was the Subaru. Traffic stopped. Engines turned off. Rearview mirror. The door to the Subaru was open and the driver was walking toward her car. She reached into the glove box and fumbled around until she found what she needed.

As the Subaru driver slowly walked toward her window, she made a mark on the scrap of paper. The tally was 14-5.

“You win again.”

“Double or nothing for tomorrow’s school pickup?”

White Hat (Part 2)...

 Part One

She was staring at her computer screen trying to figure out her next step. 

Which is what she had been doing for a few hours. 

She still didn't know.

Normally when she found a way into a system she poked around for awhile to see how far she could go. What damage she could have done if doing damage was her aim. She wanted to see how bad it was before she contacted either her supervisor, if it was a work assignment, or the company directly if it was on her own time. 

Almost every major company had an IT department that was responsible for such things. And most of them also had a bounty system in place to encourage hackers like herself to tell them about the problem instead of exploiting it, or worse, selling it to a competitor or a chaos monger. 

But this? Who did she even contact with this information? How did you let Santa know something like this? Write a letter and mail it to the North Pole? Hoping it got there and not to some Podunk mail stop somewhere where people volunteered to answer "Santa Letters." What if the person who opened it either didn't take it seriously or worse took the information to the press? She clearly wouldn't put in the letter how she did it, you never give up the goods in first contact, but as soon as the information that there was an exploit was out there? Well...

So that wasn't going to work. 

She scrolled around while she thought. 

The whole database was searchable. As soon as she started to realize what she was looking at she did a quick spot check search. She started with her best friend's newborn. If anyone was going to be on the Nice list it would be a baby right? No chance to screw anything up just yet. She had also looked up more than one politician. The shocker there was the number of them that were on the Nice list. She had thought it would be a clean sweep to the Naughty, but the percentages didn't always fall that way. 

That was another surprise for her. The percentages. It wasn't a simple yes/no coding program. It was percentage Nice vs. percentage Naughty. And those percentages were constantly moving. She could just imagine someone, say Alice Abernanthy, going through their day. A solid 90% Nice. Until around noon, and then BOOM! 75%. What happened there, Alice? Got a little hangry? But then as soon as it dipped, it went right back to climbing again. 

It was all tied to multiple other branching programs. There were time cut offs for reports to be sent to various other systems. She imagined those must be the Elves' workstations? There was a Guarantee Nice, a Guarantee Naughty and an On The Bubble list being created constantly. The Guarantee Nice list was tied to a gift program. She had access to that as well. Good Ole Alice even with her dip into the 70s around lunch, was on the Guarantee Nice and would be receiving "one prime parking space near the door during a rain storm." Being from the PNW she could appreciate what a great gift that actually was.

The Guarantee Naughty list was tied to the "C.O.A.L. Department." It seemed to run the same way as the gift list just with a shift in what you would be receiving. There was an Andrew Adamton who would be getting gum stuck on his brand new loafers that he would spread to the carpet in his car, the tile in his boss' office and somehow the top of his other shoe.

She spent awhile trying to decide what C.O.A.L. was an acronym for, Cancel Our Annual Love? Contains One Absolute Lament? Could One Appeal Losing? Who knew? Well, clearly they did, maybe she'd ask as part of her bounty for turning this in to the proper authorities. 

She had thought, for a moment, of printing it all Wikileaks style. After all didn't people have a right to know where they stood? It would be easy enough to do a freeze of the information as of today and let people get a glimpse of their true placement. 

But she hadn't considered that for very long. After all she had access to the whole list and hadn't looked herself up. She just wasn't sure what that would do to a person. If you thought you were doing everything right and found out you were 70% Naughty? How would you handle that? Would it make you want to be better or would you say screw it and just go flat out Naughty? She remembered the 2016 elections when Clinton had made her big Baskets mistake. Nobody ever remembered her metaphor included two baskets and people chose to jump into the deplorable one. Would that be the same result? Would people just choose to jump on to the Naughty list with both feet? And what happens when you start searching your friends? Your neighbors? Your family? 

Too messy for her for sure. 

Well that and when she wasn't sure what she was really looking at and just scrolling the lines of code in the beginning she might have seen Julian Assange's list placement. Wikileaks style wasn't the best option.

So she was back to trying to figure out how she got the news to the right place that the system was hackable. Everything she could think of she had seen in a movie or read in a story. Was any of it real? She knew, clearly, that at least some of it was real as she was currently watching the Naughty/ Nice percentages of strangers change on her computer screen. 

"The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear." 

Might as well try.

"I'm in my office, and I'm singing! I hacked the Naughty/Nice list and I want to report it to you! I'm singing, and I'm reporting! And I believe in you! I believe in you! I believe in you!"

For a minute nothing happened. Then her screen went black. Then the snow started. 

Not snow like static on a screen, but snow, honest to goodness snow started to fall in the computer screen image, then on her desk, then in her office. She heard sleigh bells and the image on her screen changed again.

100% Nice! Ho! Ho! Ho!

She started to laugh. 

Fingers crossed she was getting a good parking space!

White Hat...

She hacked her first computer in middle school. She did it because of a boy. Which sounds like the start of a cutesy teen movie, but it's wasn't because the boy was cute, or because she was trying to impress the boy, it was because the boy was annoying. 

Which still sounds like a cutesy teen movie, actually. Except there was no prolonged period of the boy being annoying until that one day she realized he was actually adorable. He was annoying then. He stayed annoying the whole time they went to school together and she had to assume he was annoying to this very day. 

But she did owe her career to him, so he was good for something. 

It had started when he was bragging over lunch about hacking into the school's computer program. She listened to him talk about having access to everything and all of the things he could change if he wanted to. She asked why he didn't. He didn't really have an answer. Then she asked him how he did it. He didn't really have an answer for that either. Finally she figured out that he hadn't hacked into anything at all. He had found the Principal's secretary's password on a sheet of paper near her desk and had just logged on with it. No hack at all.

But could somebody do it? The schools had been teaching them how to code since second grade. Nothing major at first, they didn't even call it coding back then, but it was all building blocks to the coding they were working on in Computer Sciences now. She had always liked it. She liked math, she liked puzzles, she like language arts and writing code seemed to blend all of those things together. So if they were going to teach them all how to code, and she was good at what they were teaching her then maybe she should try. And it would be actual hacking, not finding a password which was totally lame.

It was pretty disappointing in the end. It only took her a few hours and she was able to do it from the computers in the school lab. It seemed too easy. Which was what she programmed the internal bulletin board for the staff to read. "Attention: It took me less time to hack this system than it did to finish my English homework" She thought that might throw them off of her scent since she could clearly finish her English homework in record time.

The firm that the school hired to close up the gaps she had exploited to get into the system was able to trace the activity back to the computer lab, making her grateful she hadn't done it from home. Then they came in to give them what she had assumed would be a stern talking to, and instead became a job pitch. They explained that what had been done was illegal but as nothing malicious was done, and as the person who did it alerted them to the breach right away, it actually fell into what they called White Hat Hacking. And it was an actual job someone could do. A job that could pay really well, without the risk of going to jail. Because, again, what she had done was illegal. 

The annoying boy was turned in by someone who had overheard him bragging about hacking the computer. He got in school suspension for stealing the password but was cleared of the hacking charge. Since he didn't really hack anything. And then everyone knew he didn't hack anything which was probably worse punishment for him. She hadn't told anyone of her exploits, bragging was never the point, just doing it was, so nobody turned her in. 

But she did start learning more and more about hacking systems. Black and White hat. People who did it for fun, people who did it for profit, people who did it just to amuse themselves. The variety of reasons why and how people broke into the code running everything, everywhere was almost as interesting to her as sitting down and trying to break the code herself.  After college she went to work for a security firm trying to find any flaws from their clients that could be exploited before someone else found them. She also did freelance work. Which mainly consisted of her looking for flaws in websites she visited on her own then collecting the bounties most companies offered to people like her for finding the issues and bring them to their attention instead of exploiting them or selling the information. 

Which is how she found herself sitting in front of a computer screen with more lines of code than she had ever seen realizing that she was looking at a program that literally covered the whole world. Information from every country. Information from every town. Information from every person. 

She had hacked Santa's Naughty and Nice List. 

 

More Writing Process

If you haven't read the second half of job security go back and read it first. 

Okay, now...

Faye's dream. She dreamt of an office where as she entered the head of a department was being dragged out and beaten. And it turned out that all heads of departments served "for life" and also had to choose how they would die. Crazy. 

And totally right up my alley as far as weird stories go. 

Now I'm going to give you a little insight in choices I made. 

You all know me, you know that stories go certain ways, so I wasn't even going to try and fool you with wholesomeness. The Institute can never really be a good place right? And I also went with just dialog until the very end, and even then it was kind of dialog between the new employee and the employee manual. 

The just dialog makes everything seem kind of unfinished. Kind of off kilter. Like a dream would be. 

Think of all the details you just kind of fill in in dreams. Big and small things. And no names. Because I'm bad at names for one, and I also liked that it left things even more discombobulated. 

Which became a challenge when I introduced two other characters that would only pop in for a second in the middle of another scene. How do I get you to understand that they are different people? 

Well...

Maybe you do or maybe you don't. Maybe you have to back up and look again. 

Which, again, to me, added to the feeling that this was all a weird dream someone had. A dream that needed to become a story. 

Nothing realistic. Nothing that would actually be handled so calmly. Dream logic. 

I had a different spin on it for awhile as well. A super short story with a book of choices and egos and how big of a splash (so to speak)you wanted to make on your way out. But I ended up liking this skewed view a little better. And to be honest, was kind of hoping I could stretch it to three parts, but alas, there wasn't enough there. 

So now I am down to needing four more fiction pieces. I will know by next Wednesday if I made it out of the first round of the contest I did last month (month before?) and if that happens then I have my second submission locked in and will still be looking for either one rando submission or two more contests. That is, if I complete the year.

Still might not. I've got a lot of check marks and trying to learn how to live without getting all of them is always a decent goal in and of itself so...

We'll see. 

So I hope you enjoyed the off kilter dream story and I hope you were able to follow it and were a little disturbed by it as well. 

Now to think of something sweet and holiday themed with only happy endings...

Right...

Job Security (part two)....

"Pardon the chaos we are having a retirement ceremony this afternoon and it's an outdoor event."

"It looks like it will be a popular party."

"The events are all very well attended. I know it's not always that way with other companies but here at The Institute we are all in this together. When one of us decides it's time to leave it's important that we all show up for support. And, I know, that sounds really pretentious even to my own ears, but it's hard to explain any other way. We are different around here."

"I know. Not that it's a bad thing, but you do have a bigger than life reputation as a company. So many people sitting on the boards of non-profits around town. The arts, healthcare, education. I mean if there is anybody doing anything there is someone from The Institute involved. Or at least it seems like that."

"That's pretty fair, actually. We try to make sure that anyone who can help is able to find space to help. You'll see that you are given a lot of time in your schedule to pursue things that interest you that are also beneficial to our greater society. For instance, you volunteer right now at Sister's of the Road?"

"Yes, I do."

"Don't look surprised, we reviewed your qualifications. Anyway, what if instead of just being able to volunteer a few hours at the shelter you were able to help them fund and build a new housing complex?"

"That would be amazing."

"To get to that point, you need to get on the board of directors. To get on the board of directors you need to show you are capable of holding such a position. And one way to do that is to work for The Institute. You'll find that just having your requests go out on our letter head get results."

"Like people showing up for interviews for jobs that they didn't apply for?"

"Let me get you settled with a few things before we see more of the campus. This is your employee manual. It's large, I know, but it's pretty easy to navigate, and it's been customized to you specifically, as much as possible. Of course there is an online version as well with an easy search function, but I know you prefer a written document when reviewing things."

"How did..."

"And this is your office. Good view of the courtyard there, if you want to watch the retirement ceremony later but don't feel comfortable actually being there this is actually a really good seat. I'm going to pop out for a bit but if you could look at the first few pages and fill out the questionnaire that would be really helpful. Just something we like to get a quick read on before people get too far in the weeds."

"Okay, sure. Did you want a copy of my CV to take with you?"

"Why would I need that?"

"I just wasn't sure if anyone else needed to review it?"

"That's all taken care of. But thank you for asking. That's a good quality you have. Not assuming everyone is already in the loop. Nicely done. I'll be back in a half hour. Make yourself, well at home really."

"Thank you."

"I'd pay attention to those questions if I were you."

"You startled me. I did not see you there!"

"Well I was being pretty quiet and to be perfectly fair I might have been hiding so I could talk to you alone."

"Okay, that's not creepy at all."

"I just want you to take the questionnaire seriously. A lot of people don't. I didn't, actually, and it can end up making a pretty big difference."

"Well you still got the job right? So even if you didn't take it too seriously it must not have hurt you too much?"

"Well, that remains to be seen, but I'm not overly optimistic."

"Excuse me?"

"Never mind. I just want you to get the chance to really think about what you are answering. It's not just some sort of weird personality test. It's important that you take it seriously."

"Okay. Thanks for the warning."

"Well, that's it for me then. If you don't mind, I just want to grab something out of the desk there."

"Oh, I'm sorry! Is this your office? I can move out of the way."

"No, it's not mine anymore, it used to be. I just left something in the drawer there when I cleared out everything else."

"Okay, sure, go ahead."

"Oh. Well. It's gone. They must have cleared it out before putting in your things. I thought I'd get a chance to...well never mind. What's done is done. Thanks for letting me check."

"These aren't really my things. They are just letting me use this office while I fill out the paperwork."

"Yeah, well...take those questions seriously."

"If you were a dog, what kind of a dog would you want to be? Honestly? These are the questions I'm supposed to take seriously?"

"Excuse me?"

"Oh sorry! I was talking to someone else...who seems to have gone?"

"Okay, then. Welcome to The Institute, by the way, I'm right next door if you need anything."

"Thanks. I'm just filling out this questionnaire."

"Oh the personality test. Yeah, it's an odd one. But I guess they can get a lot of information out of it. They've been really good at predicting the best work environment for me anyway. Okay, I'll duck back out and let you get to it."

...........

"All done?"

"Yeah. That was a lot."

"Too much?"

"Well..."

"I'll let you in on a little secret. The trick to a test like the one you just took is in the volume of questions. There were a lot of things asked that were the same question, just asked slightly differently. It gets to what you truly value. How you truly feel about things. Not what you think you should say, but what you really think. And then when you are feeling kind of numbed from the number of questions there are one of two in there that are actually getting real nuggets of information. What motivates you? What do you really want?"

"What type of dog would I be?"

"Okay, yes, that seems odd, but are you a Lab, a Chihuahua, a Boxer or a Dalmatian? I am guessing you answered Lab."

"I did. But doesn't everyone? I mean who wants to be thought of as a Chihuahua?"

"Chihuahuas fight above their weight class. They are the unexpected dog in a fight. The snappish ones. But why are you a Lab?"

"I view them as loyal, smart, working dogs, but not showy like a Dalmatian. Friendlier than a Chihuahua. Not as pugnacious as a Boxer."

"See? Look how much we just learned not only about you, but about how you view others."

"I see. I think I should go back and change a few answers."

"Too late! But don't worry. It's just a part of your file. We will have so much more information to put together your best work experience."

"Well that sounds very positive. When will I hear if I have the job?"

"Excuse me?"

"When will I know how this all goes? I mean, I am assuming I have a few more people to meet with today, but you are my point of contact right?"

"Oh. No. You aren't interviewing. You are already hired. We didn't send you a request did we? I mean, it's never happened before, but someone could have I guess?"

"Well it was a description of the job and the time of the interview."

"Did it say interview?"

"No. I guess not. Just the time and date to arrive."

"Well there we go. No mistake at all. You got the job information and the hire date and here we are."

"So I'm already hired?"

"Yes...didn't I say this was your office earlier?"

"You did, but I thought maybe it was just a 'to use now' your office?"

"No, this is your office. This is where you work. That is your employee manual. You'll find the pay and benefits to be much better than what you were previously making and honestly a little better than what you were hoping to negotiate to. Tomorrow you will meet the whole staff you will be working with and you will start on your career with The Institute. Today was really more of a showing you just a taste of the place preview."

"Oh. Wow. Okay. Actually I already sort of met two people so far. My next office neighbor popped their head in for a second when they thought I was talking to them. And the person whose office this use to be...."

"What?"

"The person who used to have this office? They were looking for something in the desk?"

"Oh that rascal. Yes, I bet they were. But choices were made and they couldn't really change direction after so many things were put in place to accommodate them. We haven't finished analyzing it yet so not sure if it was a literal poison pill or just a narcotic of some sort but...well. Anyway, I need to see to the finishing touches on the ceremony. You feel free to read up a little more in the manual there. And if you choose you can watch the retirement ceremony and call it a day?"

"Can I take the manual with me to read at my place this evening?"

"I think you're going to want to start with section 2. Okay, it's been a pleasure and now I really must be going. See you in the morning, and welcome, once again, to The Institute."

Section 2: Housing
Welcome to The Institute Housing Process! Please be assured that the move will be smooth and handled with out any undue stress on your part. Your first few nights will be spent at the Hotel Institute. Your key card is in the top drawer of your desk and if you pick up the phone an operator will arrange a car to drive you over. We've arranged a few changes of clothing and all of your incidentals while the contents of your house are being packed and moved.

What? Housing? I'll live here?

As you are currently unmarried and without children you will be living in one of our smaller "starter homes" in the single's division. This will give you plenty of opportunity to socialize with fellow Institute staff members who might share your interests. If your circumstances change a move to the couples and/or family subdivisions will be arranged. Lastly we have senior assisted living facilities depending, of course, on how you answered the retirement question in your intake quiz.

Wait? What? Retirement question? What retirement question? They started to think back through the 100s of rapid shot questions they had answered. There was one on the age you'd like to retire. And one on how you wanted to leave your job. Both had honest answers and suck up I want this job answers. That part they remembered. What were the specifics? There was a scale younger to older, and another from retire to a life of leisure on the beach or you'd have to drag me out of here kicking and screaming and beat me to death to leave. Which honestly seemed a little over the top but they still almost answered it that way. Sucking up in interviews was a time honored tradition right? But the advice, "Take these seriously" popped back up at that point and they had answered retire after making a significant change in the world (still a bit suck up but also true) and live out their last days relaxing with a good view and good books. 

But honestly, why would they need to think about retirement just yet? And why would it matter what they answered? 

The scream answered the question.

The kicking sealed it.

When the billy clubs came out "take it seriously" was etched in their brain.

There really was a great view of the courtyard from the office. 

Background...

Writing a multipart story right now. Just put the first part up. It's a short piece, but an establishing piece for me. I want to get the flow started. I don't want to forget about it and let it fade away. So you get that really quick little establishing scene while I try and decide exactly how the rest is going to go to hit all the beats I want to hit. 

I know, you are shocked, or at least some of you are, because I usually work without a net. No outlines, no idea what's going to happen. But this story isn't like my usual things. Because it's not my idea.

I mean like the whole thing too. Not just it's a writing prompt I found someplace but the whole story is from someone else. 

See my friend Faye had this completely batshit bonkers dream the other night and the whole time she was dreaming she was thinking, "I have to tell Denise about this." Which, Yay! One yay for lucid dreaming. I'm a big fan. The other yay that when people have really batshit bonkers things happen they think of me. I'm a unique flavor but if you get me, you really get me.

But anyway...she sent me a message with her dream in it and I agreed it was awesome and totally right up my alley for weirdness. 

Then I couldn't get it out of my head. I kept trying to decide things about it. The when and the where and the why. And I finally sent her a message and asked if I could take her dream and turn it into a story. She was all in and here we are.

Now, I'll be honest, even though I know how the dream went and what I thought was great about it and what I think I'll be lifting and putting into my story it might not go that way. The people sometimes change their stories when they start talking to me. 

Which in a way would be kind of fun as well. I mean, if I can surprise Faye with how the story goes when she already knows how it ends? Well that would be pretty cool.

So here we go. I should get at least two pieces out of this. Maybe three. How great would that be? Get half of my fiction out put for December off of someone else's subconscious? Nice....

Job Security...

"The Institute? You have an interview with The Institute?"

"Well you don't have to sound so shocked!"

"No, I mean, obviously if anyone would be good enough to get a job with The Institute it would be you, but...I mean. I've never actually known anyone who even knew anyone who worked there."

"I'm just teasing you. I mean, I was shocked to get the notice as well."

"You didn't apply?"

"Have you ever seen a job posting from The Institute?"

"Hunh, no. I guess not. I never thought about it before. But no. So they just sent you a job interview request?"

"They sent me the information on the available position and what day and time I was expected. It wasn't a request so much as a summons."

"Really? So no job posting, no CV request, just them telling you to show up for the interview without you even showing interest?"

"Yep."

"Wow. Now that's some arrogance, just assuming you will show up."

"Well yeah, but..."

"You're right. I guess it's not cocky if you can back it up right? What are you going to wear?"

"I'm going shopping tomorrow. Want to come with me?"

"Sure. And then when you wow them and get hired you can put in a good word for me. Hmm, maybe that's how you get on there, it's all personal recommendations from inside?"

"I thought about that, but I don't know anyone who works for The Institute. At least I don't think I do."

"Well there goes that theory. You'll have to ask when you get your interview. But not in a way that makes it sound like you don't deserve to be there. More in a casual sort of 'which one of my many accolades made you feel you should contact me?' sort of way. Be just as arrogant as they are."

"I'll ask. But probably not in an arrogant way. I mean, I'm not The Institute."

"But you are wanted by them, so that should mean something."

"True. Okay, you can be my hype-man while we are shopping and by the time I go in to talk to them I'll be ten feet tall and bullet proof."

"Perfect."

December!

And the final first of the month blog.

I knew as soon as I noticed I had posted on the first for like 6 months in a row that it was going to become a thing I had to finish out. 

I know a lot of people had issues with the show Big Bang Theory, but it had one of the best descriptions of compulsive behavior that I've ever heard. Or at least one of the closest to what it feels like in my head. Sheldon described his compulsion to do something in a certain way like wearing an itchy sweater. You can fight against scratching, but it just gets worse and worse. It builds until you have to rip the sweater off and scratch all over. Or you can just scratch the itch right away and be done with it. 

When I have something that I really feel the need to do it's like that. But an itch in my head instead. For instance sitting in a friend's living room and there is this little mosquito buzz in the back of my brain saying, "don't you really want to touch those curtains? I mean look at them...they look like they could be really soft but at the same time there is some sort of bumpy texture there. You'll never know if you don't touch them." and the mid part of my brain is arguing, "you can't touch other people's curtains. That's just weird. How do you even explain that you just need to feel the cloth to see what the texture is? You can't tell them, my fingers are itching and I need to touch those. They will think you have a fungus or something." and another part is like, "Just casually walk by them and act like you are looking out the window. Easy. Why do I always have to be the one to figure this stuff out." while the whole time the front part of my brain is trying to hold on to a conversation thread. Now imagine that if it's someone's hair. 

I spend a lot of time with my hands clasped together. 

But now the first of the month itch is scratched!

And you all understand why I am loath to let a goal slide unchecked. 

And possibly why I set so many random ones for myself. Better to be in control over what I'm obsessing about than have my random brain select the items. 

What does December look like?

Well, busy. Which is a weird feeling after having almost two years of just lovely slow pace (for me, Brent didn't really get that). Brent's work schedule is insane. Yesterday his first meeting was a 6 AM and his last started at 7:30 PM. I keep waiting for it to slow down for the holiday lull but I think it really will be only the two days he got at Thanksgiving and a couple days at Christmas. Maybe. Since Christmas is over the weekend this year I'm not actually sure if he'll get a break or not.  But on top of his crazy work hours we've got hockey, soccer and football games to enjoy. I've got a dentist visit and some things I need to go across town to pick up, trying to get the motivation to drive 40 minutes just to run an errand is getting harder and harder as I've adjusted to pandemic bring it to my door life! We've got house move things to keep working towards. It's just ramping up for the next few months and December is leading the way.

We aren't doing anything for Christmas really. Taking another year off from decorating as Tig still chews on EVERYTHING in site. I'm hoping that one more year will cure him of this for the most part but not really sure. We've never had a cat that chews like he does. We think he was weaned way too early and we are reaping the neurotic rewards from that. 

We've also decided to skip Christmas gifts again. I think we are probably done with exchanging them all together. We're all adults now and if we want something we just buy it for ourselves. What we had been doing in the years leading up to stopping was putting things on a wish list. But that's just me buying something for myself with your money so really why? We enjoy spending time together and will continue to do that, taking a vacation as a family of three here and there as well. It's just more enjoyable I think. Though there is a feeling that we should be opening presents on Christmas morning just because it's what people do. A good lesson in habits and how even when you know they don't serve you well you have a hard time breaking them.

December will also be a big writing push for me. I need to get 10 blogs up, 6 of them need to be fiction. I also need to figure out those submissions. I might give myself a moment of grace and turn the one non-contest submission into a contest submission but have to do two or something? It's easier to find contests than it is open submissions and since I let it slide I need something to make it seem balanced. Still working out how to scratch that itch, but it's only the 1st so I have a few days. 

But speaking of a busy December I need to get going on the day's chores. 

AND...I can post a bitching status about it all later because Positive Posts November is DONE!

Merry Cranky Christmas Postings to Us All!

Positive It's Over!

Today is the last day of the no negative posts in November challenge.

Did it work?

Mmmmaybe?

I mean, I did go in and delete one post where I bitched about officiating in a game I was watching so I didn't exactly make it, but I deleted it when I realized it was a bitching post with no positive spin added. 

Other than that what mainly happened is I just didn't post my thoughts about things. Or I waited until I could find something tangentially positive. I typed and deleted a few things. I rephrased a few comments until it came out less FUCK OFF and more why would you post something like this? 

But, honestly, for the most part there wasn't a huge change. 

I think over the years I have already learned not to engage with people online who can't have a discussion. You know the ones who just want to fight. The ones that you never see on your posts unless they want to fight. The ones that you cannot delete from your friend list for whatever reason but anytime you see their name in your notifications you have to take a deep centering breath before you read what they wrote. Now, sometimes even knowing those things I ignore my better angels and unleash, but at least when I do it, I do it knowing full well what's happening. 

So it's hard to say what I gained, or if I gained anything at all this month. 

Maybe just a reinforcement of the idea that I don't need to engage with everyone no matter what nonsense they post. When this wonderful world of internet posting first came into my life I really felt like anyone who knew better had a responsibility to do better. (Thank you, Ms. Angelou) And I still believe that. When you know better to you do better, but you can't make other people see things they don't want to see. 

I know the last election was fair. I can't make other people who have a whole chunk of their lives wrapped into believing it was a fraud see that. I know that it's going to take all of us caring about each other to battle Covid into manageable. I can't make people who have decided that it's some sort of threat to their freedoms to care about other people see that. I know that presidents have very little control over gas prices. I can't make people who post things like "Let's Go, Brandon" thinking it's the height of clever understand that. 

So this past month, for the most part, I just let them be. 

No minds were changed, but odds are no minds would have been changed even if I had posted my thoughts on their posts. 

Though I did post a few things when it felt worse to leave them alone. I just was careful with my word choices. Which I used to be really careful. Back when I believed that minds could be changed. Back when I thought the reasonable argument could sway the irrational fear. Oh I was such a newb. But it does make me feel better to be careful with my words. To know that even if every fiber of my being is wanting to scream swear words the ability to rationally present an argument is actually something I like about myself. 

And I do know that there are people I have to stay away from because there is no rational argument that will penetrate their belief that they are always right and everyone else is an idiot. So November was a good reminder that those people aren't people that will show on my daily feeds. I don't need to see what they are posting anymore than they want me to post on those things. Because I'm not delusional enough to not realize that I have to frustrate them as much as they frustrate me. I mean with my whole caring about other people over profits and personal gain, what a jerk! Though I'm sure they would phrase it more as being an anticapitalistic, bleeding heart, liberal. But like, they'd say it in a negative way. 

So from my standpoint it didn't really seem that much different. The predominance of what I post is fluff and nonsense anyway, I think. And I don't really believe that my tendency is to go really negative when I do post about politics or social issues. There are times, but it's not my go to. So was it really all that different? Do I feel like I made a change? Does it feel like I did my part to make the world a little brighter?

Mmmmaybe? 

But maybe not. 

I think I keep landing on the space where I do still think it's up to me to present my world view. I think it's a good one. I know it makes some people crazy, but it doesn't change things. I want a world where racism is in the past. Where sexism is a relic. Where the whole LGBTQ+ family is treated as equals. Where we can look clear eyed at our past and face our future with resolve to do better. Where people don't go bankrupt because they got sick. Where the houseless problem is fixed because we put people in houses. Where when a fucking pandemic hits we don't ask why we should care about anyone else, we just do it automatically because that's what we do...

So I'll keep screaming into the void. Or trying to craft well worded messages for the void. Or yelling FUCK OFF YOU DUMB FUCKING FUCK FACE before back spacing and deleting into the void...one of those for sure. 

How about you? Did you see a difference in November? Or did you just ignore me because I make you crazy?

December 1 tomorrow. 

Whew....

Final Push...

I really can't set goals and not try to make them.

It makes me itchy. 

Which means that for December I need to write. 

A lot. 

And a good dose of fiction.

And find two places to submit. One contest and one not.

And do that while starting the move preparations. 

And holiday things, which to be honest isn't really a challenge. We aren't really decorating just yet. Giving Tig another year to stop chewing up everything. Probably should be putting up some outside things today if we are going to do it. It's unseasonably warm right now. I mean I'm sitting in the office with the window open so Tux can enjoy the smells. 

But if I want to wrap up my goals I need to do that one last push. Otherwise I think I'll be fine. It's just the writing that will be a challenge. 

Writing with a large dose of fiction. 

I need some inspiration is what I'm saying. 

So you know what that means...a month of writing prompt writing! Yay for random forced creativity! Now just trying to decide if I search out just random writing prompts or if I find a list of holiday prompts to at least pretend like we are celebrating like the rest of the world. 

And while I'm doing all of that 2022 is looming and I'm trying to decide what to do as far as goals. I am not sure if my no goal year of 2020 was actually a good test, considering how awful it was. Or if it was a bad red flag for the Universe which paid me back in full for not having "anything I have to do."  I mean a plague, a death in the family, and a kitten with a broken leg seem like a pretty good DON'T DO THAT AGAIN warning...

I think I'm leaning toward a not really goals, just maintenance year. The goal to keep my weight the same. The goal to keep writing a few times a week (which is really a step up from this year at times). The goal to read a book a week (which isn't a lot but can get tougher when you are really busy and can only fit in that 20 minutes before bed time). I think that's what I'm leaning toward. Doing those things on top of getting the move done (which will take the first 3 months of the year), getting settled in (which will take another month or so I would guess). And then seeing how the new place seems for schedules. Like am I going to want to read more because I will have my own back yard to go sit in and read? Or will I decide that I want to take up gardening? (That's kind of a joke since one of the reasons we moved in to this place 20 years ago was to get away from having to maintain the garden!) 

But for now I'm still puzzling out how to finish this year strong and then what to really do about next year. 

For everyone who was betting there was no way that I would leave the goals undone give yourselves a gold star. 

It just makes me itchy. 

Sorting It All Out...

Part of getting ready to move is sorting through 20 years of things we have kept. 

When we were first married we moved at least once a year. And we never knew what the size of the place we were going to be moving into was, but odds are storage would be at a premium. Because of the constant packing and moving we never accumulated a lot of extras. Those things that you think you either might need in another season, or might want to look at or hand down or whatever. There wasn't room.

Once we started moving into houses and places with storage we kept more things. And once we stayed in one place with no incentive to go look through those cabinets or those garage boxes we ended up with a lot of stuff. Just stuff. 

Now we could just move it all to the new place. We will have a three car garage. One for the car, one for a gym and one for nothing but storage so there will be room. But...

I don't want to move anything we don't really want to keep. 

So we sort. 

Since our child lives in Bend anything we have that would be things we thought we might want to pass down to grandchildren or that they might want to have later in life for nostalgia needs to be sorted during the holidays when family visits are happening.

Today I pulled up two boxes and we started. 

Now, my kid is more like my husband than like me. Not a lot of sentimental attachment to things. I'm not super romantic, or sentimental either, but I have this weird thing that most people who write seem to have where I imbue inanimate objects with a lot of extra stuff. Pretty much everything gets anthropomorphized. Playing with toys as a child was a complete balancing act of what had been played with the most recently so I didn't hurt any feelings by not playing with something two times in a row. 

So as I sort things I see the baby blanket that my grandmother crocheted and it's in the get rid of it pile and I'm like..."Are you sure? That's from your great grandmother."

Which my grandmother died when my kid was a few months old. 

And I didn't really have much of a relationship with her either. 

I mean she told Brent that he should listen to her and leave while he could.

THE NIGHT BEFORE OUR WEDDING!

So yeah, it's not like there is any sort of memory attached to that blanket. Just my feeling that there probably should be?

Then the next things were things that we had kept. Report cards and things from each grade level of school work. All of the award certificates. All of the programs for concerts. Holy cow there were a lot of programs. 

The most favored stuffies. Two blankets that had been loved to pieces. A lot of stuff. Just random stuff. Two big storage boxes worth of stuff.

And what ended up in the save pile was two stuffed animals and a box of coins from Grandpa Jack. 

Everything else was "meh"

This was out of two big storage bins. 

Three things. 

So I looked through things that had been put in to the meh pile and put aside a few things. A few short stories that had been written that amused me. Three different years of "If I Grow Up to Be President I Will..." pages. 

And the rest went into donation, recycling, or the trash. 

Because one of the things that we kept finding is that the memories of a lot of those things were mine. Awards and certificates of achievement for activities that had been forgotten. Lots of academic awards when the thought was "I don't really view doing well in school as an achievement. It was something I could do, something I was expected to do, not something I really worked at." So why did we keep all of those things? I mean I have a few guesses...

Clearly if your child is thriving you are doing a good job right?

If they are getting good grades you are a good parent right?

If they are leveling up in their activities that's a reflection on you right?

Or at least that's what it seems like now. Because I remember all of these things as a parent watching and driving and listening, but my kid doesn't. And maybe at the time those things did mean more, but they just have faded away. I mean, I have no idea what I did as a kid. And I am pretty sure even if I had those sorts of things they would just be in a box in storage.

Like my own baby blankets. Which I put back in the box knowing that in a month or so when I sort it to actually pack it better I will toss them. I just couldn't face it today. Only one set of baby blankets at a time. 

I mean, how sad are they that they are going away? I mean my grandmother crocheted that ugly blanket that I put in the crib even though it didn't match anything else but I mean my grandmother crocheted it so how could I not? 

I should probably go get it back out of the recycle pile...

NaNoWriMo

On my "On this Day" posts right now I have multiple years where and I so close to being done with NaNoWriMo. That crunch time of trying to get it all finished before Thanksgiving or before vacations started. 

It's the opposite end of the "Yay! This will be so fun!" spectrum that the end of October looking forward to NaNo are. These are the reality ones. The ones where I've squeezed every drop of creative juice from my brain and I'm still 10K words short. 

I didn't do it this year, haven't done it in a few years. I'm pretty sure I'll never do it again. I've done it three years, in three different ways. Each time was interesting and kind of fun at times and also kind of horrible and draining and made me think I'd like to never write another thing again. 

I'm sort of there right now with writing as a whole. 

I talked about it awhile ago. That I've written so little, and more importantly had such a low urge to write, that I didn't even feel like I was really a writer anymore. And then, of course, as soon as I wrote it down I had a little flurry of posts and even a submission that made me think, well maybe. Maybe I'm over the drought and I' will make all of my writing goals this year. 

Or maybe it was just a little hiccup of creative and I'm dry again. 

Could be that. 

I'm looking at the end of the year looming and I need 14 (13 after this) more blogs and 6 of them need to be fiction. I also need to figure out a submission for something that isn't a contest and one that is. Now if I make it out of the first round of the contest I entered last month half of that would be sorted, but I can't really count of suddenly doing well in contests so probably not. And I've got 5 weeks to get it all done. Over the holiday season. 

Sure. 

I mean I totally could, and if you were a betting person you'd look at my track record with hitting my made up goals and probably bet that I will. But still...

It's been a rough stretch again. 

In November I am usually wrapping up current goals and planning the next year's round. Just not this year. 

Which is fine. I think the first quarter of next year will be so wrapped around everything we need to do for the move and getting this house ready to sell that I'm going to be too busy for extra things. And then once we move it's going to take a bit to settle in. I might actually end up back on my old goal schedule of setting them on my birthday once all is said and done.

Or I might hit a moment of inspiration soon and lay out the next year in glorious detail and close this one out with a giant victory flourish and with a lot of filler pieces.

Like this one. 

You okay, Babe?

I have been watching RuPaul's Drag Race UK since Brent left. I'm finished with season one and partway through season two. I've watched a few episodes each day. Enough that the voices in my head right now all have accents. 

I'm not even kidding with that. Because it's the main thing I've been listening to for the past six days and I have no one here that I'm talking to it's filtered in and is now part of me. At least until I finish and move on to something else. 

But for now I've got a whole new chorus of voices in my head and they don't sound at all like I'm used to.

Which is fun. And great. And a good reinforcement that staying away from the news and the politics has actually been a really good idea. 

I'm still informed and I still have opinions obviously, I mean see the blog from earlier this week, but it's not taking up a lot of space. It's not my main focus. The voices in my head might have accents right now but at least they aren't shouting at each other and calling each other anything worse than "shady bitch." Okay, maybe a little slag and cow as well...but other than that very little name calling. 

Things filter in and we don't notice it. Things shift and we don't pay attention. 

Brent and I talk about it all the time. Like when did "Death Threat" become the go to response to anything you don't like? Someone told a joke you don't like, send them a death threat. Someone voted in a way you don't agree with. Death threat. Store is out of your favorite ice cream flavor? Death threat. 

When everything is responded to in the most extreme ways there is no place to go. 

And when everything is responded to in the most extreme ways we stop viewing them as extreme. 

We are still normalizing really awful behavior.

Rep. Gosar got censured yesterday for tweeting the animated video of him killing AOC. They stood him up and told him it was wrong and what a naughty boy he was and how he can't sit with them on the committees anymore and he left the chamber and...retweeted the same video. Because nobody cares. Or at least nobody who votes for him and those like him. I do not recommend you making an anime video of you killing a coworker and tweeting it though. Odds are you would get fired, possibly get a restraining order against you as well. But in Congress? Hey, death threats are the totally normal response.

So yeah, staying away from the news is a good idea. Because that shit is bananas.

I've also silenced a few of the people I'm friends with online. That's helped. (and yes I just heard RuPaul's voice mixing "Silence! I've made my decision. Now, Bring Back My Girls!" into "Silenced my girls!" I'm telling you I've watched A LOT of Drag Race this week!) And now I'm trying to decide if I just need to let those silenced voices go. For the most part they are people I enjoy if I can keep them away from anything political. I don't think the silenced voices are bad people, those people were tossed a long time ago, they are just people who I "can't even with this bullshit" most of the time they post politics. 

But if I have them silenced then I don't see the things that they post that aren't politics so I'm not sure what to do about that. Because when I do go check on their pages to see what they are up to I just have an overwhelming urge to send a death threat. Kidding. I'm kidding. But I do have to skip over the jaw clenchers to get to the news that is personal stuff. And I'm sure they feel the same way about me. I'm not kidding myself that I'm not just as annoying to them as they are to me. 

Brent decided that Facebook was a timewaster and toxic so he just stopped using it. He's like that. Makes a decision and BAM! done. You all know I'm not that way. I've been thinking about leaving Facebook for about as long as I've been on Facebook. So far the good keeps outweighing the bad, but the balance keeps shifting. I can feel that for sure. 

When the voices in my head are more fun watching a video on my phone instead of scrolling through my feed maybe it's time to start listening to those cheeky buggers...

Or at least for another season and half of shows until I'm all caught up. 

It's Not Negative...

So Steve Bannon Steve Bannoned yesterday as he turned himself in to authorities. He is openly calling for revolution. But anyone who has paid attention to Bannon knew this was coming a long time ago. I mean, he told you that this is what he wanted before Trump ever put him into a White House role. This is a quote from 2010 when he was speaking to a Tea Party organization: “I know all of you guys read history books since you were kids, and you all think, “Hey, if I was there during the Civil War, I'd be right in the middle of it. Or if I was in the Revolution, I would be right there. Or World War II, or the Great Depression. I would be there, in Normandy, I'd do all that." We have that opportunity today, right? They're gonna look back at these ten years, fifteen years - it's gonna take us that long – but we can do it.”

So looking back ten, eleven years later and what do we see? Those people he was talking to are now calling for a Civil War. He knew what he wanted and he has been working toward it since the early 2000s. So when he says that the contempt of Congress charge is going to lead to huge battles we would do well to believe him. 

And the really scary thing about Bannon is that he hasn't just been doing this in the US, he's been doing it all over the world. The rise of the Far Right Populist movement in Europe? That was done with his help. He cultivated that. 

A lot of people here in the States like the cold comfort of saying that Trump was the problem. And even though I agree that Trump is a problem he's a problem that was voted for by millions of people. He's a problem that shows how acceptable the Bannon world view is. He's a problem that has Stephen Miller's fingerprints all over him. He's an easily manipulated figure head. He's basically Reagan in a bad suit. He isn't the problem, he's a problem, the problem is much deeper.

Knowing that Bannon has worked on this world situation for decades and is seeing it come to fruition is terrifying. And maddening. And disheartening. 

To think that while we were all happily going on our merry way thinking about how great it was that marriage equality was finally passed and that it wouldn't be long until we could get basic health care as a right instead of a privilege, while we were thinking about what a more open and accepting world it could become; he was working behind the scenes like some villain in a movie. Whispering in some groups about the evils to come. Shouting about them in different groups. And we were all so sure that moral arc of the universe bends toward justice that we didn't even notice. 

But they did. 

Those that feel like their position at the top of heap was shifting. Or their dreams that they might someday be at the top of the heap were shattering. Because, face it, most of the people that voted for Trump, most of the people that are just ready and waiting for a Civil War are never and were never going to be at the top of that heap. The people manipulating them into fighting and chaos? Top of the heap. They actually have things to lose. They set up a system when Reagan said that the government wasn't the solution it was the problem that benefits them.

Tax breaks. De-regulation. Income inequality. Greed is good. Hoarding wealth is fair. Somehow being rich makes you a GOOD person. All of that is their own playground and you, my friend, are not welcome there. 

But they tell you that you are. 

They tell you that you are just one lucky break away from sitting at the table. 

But that table is rigged. 

Those lucky breaks aren't going to come to most of us. 

It's a lottery.

Worse odds, but still a lottery.

And it doesn't help that they gaslight you in to believing that they were just like you and they did it. Self made is one of the biggest American myths out there. Self made but your parents were rich or well connected or you got a huge tax break incentive to build your company or all of the above, Elon Musk...

But sure. Self made. 

As in we ourselves made them. 

And money is power so it becomes paternalistic really quickly. Which is how our country was founded so that's not new. It isn't a direct democracy because the Founding Fathers were pretty sure with their money and education and did I mention money, they were smarter than the average farmer. I mean if you didn't own land were you really good enough to vote? Their answer was no. If you aren't us you can't vote vote. And right now as the Republican party manipulates voting laws and districts the answer is still if you aren't us you can't vote. Because like the Founding Fathers they are smart enough to know that there are more of us than there are of them so if we all realized that the systems should work for us and not them and voted accordingly? Well better put some limits on that shit. 

Bannon has been working toward what we have happening right now for a long time. His call to his "Army" isn't delusional. He built that. He revels in that. In 2013 he told a reporter that he was a Leninist. That what he was interested in was destroying everything. Everything. And he was going to do it by marching the Republican party further and further to the Right. To the most extreme. 

And he's done it. 

So when Bannon says on the court house steps that he is going on the offensive now? That he is going to take down the "Biden Regime'? That this will be hell for Democrats? 

Well...

Believe him. 

And don't for a fucking second let your guard down. 

Keep voting. Keep moving the US toward the basic human dignity that we all deserve. I know it's super easy to get incredibly cynical and think that nothing is changing, but it is. 

The infrastructure bill might not be as big as we would have liked it but it's something. FOUR years of Infrastructure Week under Trump and Biden got a bill passed within the first year of office. There have been changes. There have been benefits for actual working people. Incremental change is still change and if you let the assholes convince you that not good enough is a good reason to stay home and not vote, or heaven forfend, vote for them, then they will well and truly have won and destruction is imminent. 

Vote like you might not get a chance to vote again. 

That's the positive take away here. I am losing hope but it's not all gone yet. I am worried about the future but I still imagine a future. I am hopeful that the assholes won't win. It's easier to motivate people out of  selfishness and hate, but I am still hopeful that love and decency will prevail. 

Take a page out of Bannon's book. Don't think about what you want tomorrow. Think about what it will take to get to where we want to be. And if we do those things, it will take time, but in 10 or 15 years when we look back we will see that we changed the world for the better. Incrementally. In steps. Whispering in some groups and shouting in others. We said no. No you cannot destroy everything because WE built that shit. Our unionized grandparents built that shit. Our voting rights fighting grandparents marched for that shit. Build Back Better might be corny, but for fuck's sake, destroy the world and let it burn should not be a goal!

We built that shit.
We build that shit. 
We will build it up instead of letting them tear it down. 

Fuck Bannon and his whole world view. 

I'm positive about that. 

Speak On It...

I've been doing a series with Trevor Moawad on iFit this month. It is their November challenge series and on completion they made a donation to the American Cancer Society. 

He was a motivational speaker, a mental conditioning coach. He partnered with Russell Wilson to form a company that dedicated itself to making people stronger mentally to achieve great things.

It was not my favorite series.

I mean, I love a lot of that sort of thing, don't get me wrong. I'm one of the few people who really loved the key note speakers at KFC conferences. I've read a ton of self help and motivational books and blogs. I do really believe that we can improve a lot in our lives just by getting our minds right. 

But he just didn't do it for me. There were a few things that he firmly held forth as truth that I firmly believe are bullshit. So there was that. And it was all mostly sports focused so there was that as well. But every work out I did I tried to pull out at least one thing I could use. And for the most part I did. Even if his overall spiel wasn't for me and I won't be running out and buying his books I still got something out of it. 

And I also was struck by something else. His regrets. They leaked through a lot in this series. I mean, understandable really. No matter how positive he was trying to be he was two years into a battle with cancer and living alone during a pandemic. He actually died in September. I imagine there was a little bit of conversation on releasing the series or not and that's how the donation the ACS came into play. 

Side tangent:
That's actually something that I got out of every single workout. How difficult they must have been. He was incredibly thin and haggard looking. He would pause on the hikes quite often to point out a view, or just take a moment to catch his breath. They must have been incredibly physically taxing. And he still did them. He was out there trying to make a difference until the day he died. That's pretty amazing. 

But then there were those regrets...

His biggest one was his divorce. He talked about not doing what he should have done. He talked about being insecure (she was a model). He talked about decisions that he wished he had made. They were divorced in 2015 and 6 years later he was still talking about it as if it had just happened. Now, the cynic in me wondered if he really regretted losing the marriage or if he regretted how isolated he was now during the pandemic and his cancer battle. Did he miss her or did he hate being alone? If he were healthy and there weren't a pandemic would he be fine with the choices he made?

Like I said, I'm a cynic. 

But it did make me think about what we really want out of life. And how that changes all of the time depending on other circumstances. He made the choices in his marriage to not be there. To work crazy hours. To put his career ahead of their life. And those choices meant she left. At the time he was making those choices I bet they seemed really reasonable and good to him. It wasn't until later that he saw what the consequences were. And he had no way of knowing what the future was going to bring. That he was going to be diagnosed with cancer. That there was going to be a pandemic and the only way to try and ensure he didn't get infected would be to move away from everyone and live in solitude. That it wasn't going to make a difference in the end because cancer is a bastard.

So what do you do with that?

I mean you are constantly making choices and decisions about your life and what you think you want in the future without actually knowing what the future is going to bring. 

Look at our house search. Five years ago we thought we wanted to downsize and move into a small place with only a couple of rooms. Possibly a condo downtown. Then the pandemic came and we realized that we need more than a few rooms. Working and living and entertaining ourselves all from home meant we needed space. And we didn't want a condo downtown because if everything shuts down there is no reason to be there. And riding in an elevator when you aren't sure who was there before you? Forget about it. 

We also didn't realize five years ago that my arthritis was going to become an issue. And it's not yet. Not really. But it's definitely letting me know that it very well could become an issue. That stairs (three levels in our current place) could become daunting. So we shifted what we looked for.

We bought a one level place with what we think will be enough space, though honestly, we both might have gone for even more if we could have found the right place. But who knows if in five years we will think it was actually the right idea? 

I mean 20 years ago when we bought this place we thought getting a townhouse was a great idea. No yard to take care of, perfect! It took us just a little bit of time to realize that we really would like our own yard. And fewer neighbors. Or at least fewer neighbors parking in front of our house. We also bought it for the schools and then sent our kid to magnet schools that only needed us to be in this district, not in this neighborhood. 

But when we bought this place we didn't know all of that. We made the decision we thought was best for us at the time. 

Which is what I really took away from his talks. 

Make good choices for where you are and where you think you want to go. Start today on improving your situation. If you want to get fit, put on your shoes and get moving. If you want to eat better, buy better foods and toss out the junk. If you want your relationships to be stronger, start working on them right now. What do you think you want? Work toward that. If it ends up that it isn't actually what you want then do something else. But keep moving. Keep trying. And as your circumstances change it's okay to change what you are working toward. But pay attention to what is happening so you don't end up in 10 years with a booming company, tight abs, and a really lonely house because everyone who you thought would be there when you were ready to pay attention to them got tired of waiting for you to pay attention to them.

Best soundbites:
In a year from today don't wish you had started today. 
You don't have to be sick to get better. 


I really liked those two. 

And I'm glad I'm done with his series. 

Donation made to American Cancer Society.