Let's Talk Goals...

Okay, starting tomorrow Gold Stars and Goals are back in effect.

I've gone back to a written calendar to make sure I am doing the things I want to do and not reaching Friday each week thinking, Oh I was totally going to do (fill in the blank) next week, next week for sure!

Write it down, check it off, get the star. 

So what am I looking at? 

Nothing really earth shaking. Nothing that is that big of a deal to anyone else. Just things that I can focus on to quiet the OHMYGOSHWHAT'SNEXT chatter in my head. 

I'm doing PoD until I get bored with it.

I'm reading one nonfiction book a month (along with however many fiction ones I get to right now the year goal is 65 total books, but let's be real, I should be bumping that up to at least 75, in fact...hold on a second...there. The yearly goal for books is 75)

I'm going to write 208 blogs this year with 52 fiction and 156 nonfiction. Which was last year's goal as well but last year I broke it into 1 fiction a week and 3 nonfiction. This year I'm just going to write what I feel like on that day and so some weeks it might be all nonfiction, some all fiction. But I do have an end of year goal in site. 

Fitness. Okay, I know normally I do not do weight anymore because of really valid reasons, but I do want to lose weight this year. A few years of that illness, injury, recovery, rinse and repeat has put my weight higher than I like and it's either buy new jeans or lose weight. So we are going to start with trying to lose some weight, the goal is 15 pounds (technically 13 1/2 as of this morning) it would have been 10 but Hawaii was very tasty.

The bigger goal is to run (slowly, I'm a jogger) a 5K. That had already been on the radar and I'm working on it. Having some achilles issues so it's going slowly (even more slowly than my pace) but I am consistent. And consistency is key. Also I think my elbow is healed enough to start lifting again. Slowly, lightly, patiently, but lifting. YAY! So working out 5 days a week and drop some weight. I keep saying I need to go back to limiting sugar way down, and I do. I know that. But mentally I've not made that corner turn yet so when the struggle stops then I'll do that. But fighting against it is not going to do anything but trigger the really dark food compulsions so let's not do that...

The calendar is to track those housekeeping things that I do that nobody notices except me. Like baseboards and ceiling fans and vinegar through the coffee pot. The little cleaning things that make me feel like my house is put together. And I could expound (and probably have) on how I realize that this is all tied to being raised in house with almost hoarding levels of stuff and how it's kind of the same mental issues just flipped but...It makes me feel better. And Brent loves a clean house as well so it makes him feel good too. So I'm going back to weekly chore lists. 

I know, it's weird. But I never claimed normalcy so...

So, yeah, goals are back, sort of. 

I will have things written down and that I'm working toward, but it's just the stuff I do anyway. I just have to accept that my brain feels better when it has a shiny to work towards. I'm like a working dog. You can get one for a pet, but if you don't keep it busy it's going to destroy your house. 

OH! Also with writing. I'm going to finish the series I've been working on for Dana and start something new there. I'm actually thinking of picking a writing cue and writing as many stories from one cue as I can. But that might end up being a blog idea instead. Or both. It could be both. But the every other week exchange with Dana is still on, and if I do wrap up that long story I've been writing it will hit the blog and that will be a good sized chunk of the 52 fiction pieces for 2024. Bonus.

And April is Poetry Month so...

Yeah, I'm not going to do a poem a day. That was just so freaking hard to do that I ended up taking all of May off basically to recover. But I do want to do some extra poetry. So let's say 8 poems in April. That flows nicely. Eight in April. 

Sorry, Skip.

 

Old is New Again...

Well since I'm on the old topic new post wagon I might as well stay here.

When I was setting my intentions for this year (not goals so just shush!) back in January one of them was to not get really wrapped up in the political season. I know what I'm doing. I know that a lot of the hate and discontent you see is actually started by foreign governments trying to destabilize us. I know that the loudest ugly voices aren't actually the majority and that I need to use my focus and time to keep presenting ideas to those that can be swayed. 

So I'm going to do my best to just keep a low profile. Not let it eat at me. Not get involved or engaged in pointless discussions. 

Not post FUUUUUUCCCCCKKK YOUOOOUUOOUU on any and every post that tries to both sides the two main candidates for the presidency or acts as if they are somehow morally superior by tossing out phrases like "If you vote for the lesser evil you are still voting for evil." Here's a fucking clue, anytime the options are evil and less evil you choose less fucking evil, you dipshit.

Also, the two major political parties are not the same. They aren't. And if you insist that they are then I know you are not a serious person with serious ideas who deserves to be taken seriously. I know you are a talking points regurgitator who hasn't actually "done the research" or "read beyond the MSM." And I also know you think I am being condescending and dismissive and you really think that you know what you're talking about and I'm just being a tool of the one party system. 

You are trying to tell me that the party that is working it's hardest to vilify my daughter and people like her. To make her existence illegal. Is the same because the other party didn't relieve all of the student debt out there (though they relieved more than any other administration and would have relieved even more if not for losing in the courts). You are trying to tell me that the party that wants to take away all women's (not just trans women's) body autonomy from abortion rights to birth control to no fault divorce is the same because you are mad that this administration hasn't stopped you from getting fewer potato chips in your bag even though they cost the same. 

You want to bring up Palestine and blame this administration for what is happening even though they have been working on getting Israel to comply (subtly at first; within the first few days after the attack warning Israel to not overreact the way we did after 9/11 which COME ON that's an amazing thing to hear any American politician admit just on its own; to more forcefully now). You think that a Trump administration that thinks Netanyahu is doing the right thing is a better idea? Are you fucking high? And if you are then enjoy it now because a Trump administration would go back to trying to make sure that legalized weed is no more. 

And that's the truth that you have to face. This is a two party gig. No matter what you want to think, no matter how you want to justify it, you are either working to keep Trump out of the White House or you are working to put him back in. We do not have a system that supports multiple parties and voting third party during a presidential election is not the way to get us there. The whole system would need revamped from the bottom up. Some municipalities are working on that. Using ranked choice voting and open primaries which, if they are successful, could end the two party system and open us up to the best ideas win. I'm all for that. I have advocated for that for years. Get rid of the Electoral College, get rid of the two party system, get rid of a lot of this bullshit and rework it all. 

But we are not there yet. 

Right now either Trump or Biden is going to win in November. And you trying to claim some sort of moral "oh I couldn't vote for either of them" high ground is bullshit. 

It's a weird way to say fuck your family, but that's what it is

And it's not just my family. It's a lot of families. 

It's not hyperbole to say it's the entire United States of America. Just go read their plans for what they want to do and ask yourself if you or someone you love will be negatively affected by them. Odds are your answer will be yes. Even if you used to identify as a conservative and feel that you should vote Republican because you always have. This is not the Republican Party of yesteryear. It's just not. 

I would argue that it's the Republican Party that the path of movement conservatism leads to, but that's another rant for another day. 

So I'm writing this and if you need to refer to it during the year, feel free. 

I will be voting Blue up and down the ballot again this year because the Red wants my family dead. And that's the truth of it. 

So if you are not doing what you can to prevent Trump from taking that office, and if you are proudly posting about it, know that my silence and absence from your life is actually a really loud FUUUUCCCKK YOOOUUU!

New Post...Old Topic...

A friend of mine posted a lovely gratitude meme for what you might not feel grateful for today. It was all about reframing your perspective and being grateful for the mess your kids make, because they are healthy kids able to make a mess, being grateful for the dishes you have to wash and food you have to cook, because you have food to eat. It was really lovely. 

And of course I had to shit on it. 

Because I absolutely hate that nonsense. It's like a sideways guilt trip. 

Oh you can't be mad that your kid just slimed the walls right after you spent all day getting the house clean. You have to feel grateful that you have a kid.

You can't be bored out of your fucking mind that you have to cook AGAIN and clean up AGAIN knowing full well you will have to do it all over and over because people insist on eating every damn day. You have to instead be grateful that you have the food to make and that your kids aren't starving and that you have a kitchen to clean. 

And I get it. I actively practice gratitude daily and a lot of times my daily gratitude is just exactly those basic things. I'm grateful for my house, for my kitchen, for food in the pantry. And I am grateful for my child and my spouse. 

But...

If I'm bitching about something in my house going wrong. Or I'm complaining about having to cook. Or clean. Or whatever...do not come in and tell me I should be grateful for what I have. Right at that moment I'm upset. And you telling me that I should instead be grateful is negating my feelings. It's telling me that what I feel isn't valid. And worse than that it's implying I have no right to those feelings. 

You have every right to all of the feelings. 

It's a wonderful idea to stop and reframe things. When YOU want to. YOU get to do the reframing. But more often it's other people trying to force you into that reframing mindset. 

I've bitched about it before. How angry I instantly get when I'm complaining about something and someone chimes in "first world problems." Well no shit. All of my problems are first world problems. That doesn't mean they aren't my problems. Don't try and dismiss what I'm feeling.

It's just so condescending.

And a lot of the time it's completely sexist as well. We don't tend to tell men that they aren't entitled to their feelings. We don't tell them, oh don't bitch about your bad golf game, most people can't afford to play golf. We just listen to them bitch. We, for sure, don't tell them just to smile. That nobody likes a frowny man. Their lives could be so much worse. 

But women? We do it all the time. You can't bitch about your government deciding that you don't have body autonomy because you could live in some country where you have even fewer rights. You can never be upset about what is going on because there is always someone who has it worse.

Fuck that noise. 

You can be upset. You can be ungrateful. You can piss and moan and stomp your goddamn feet if you want to. You can also decide to reframe and say I get to do these things instead of I have to. And I'm just glad my kids feel free enough to wreak havoc instead of being too anxious to ever let loose and have fun. 

But that's your choice. You get to choose how you feel. No guilt or shame attached. 

Gratitude and smiling not required.

Numbers...

It's funny, now that I've decided to go back to attaching numbers to everything the storm in my brain has quieted and I cannot decide what the numbers should be.

Do I just hit repeat on last year? With the first quarter adjusted, of course. Or do I do my math wizardry and come up with something new and fancy? Or do I just try and see if all I needed was saying that it's okay to want those numbers but I don't have to set them?

And what is it like to have a normal brain?

Honestly, it's so weird.

The buzz that was constant about not liking not having goals just stopped as soon as I gave in and said, okay fine, it's silly but apparently I need this. But the buzz stopped before I actually took care of it. 

Did I just maybe later my own head?

Like my parents were the pros at maybe later or maybe someday. It's not quite a lie. Maybe we will go on vacation to Disney World. What they knew what that we most likely, like 99.99%, wouldn't, but my little brain was tuned in to that maybe and would be satisfied that maybe we would. I'd go off and start planning whatever thing it was that they had maybe latered me on and would stop bugging them. 

When I was older I swore I wouldn't do that any kid of mine. I'd be honest and say no if the answer was no. I hated that I spent time thinking different things would happen that absolutely were not going to. And I know that some of the things they maybed, or somedayed, me on didn't happen because other shit happened. I didn't get the stereo system Dad told me about because that money ended up being used to go get Susan from Colorado for instance. As a 14 year old all it did was make me mad when I connected the dots between the missing stereo and the reappearing sister, but when I got older I understood. I just wished they would have told me.

So I swore I would always just tell Katie. 

Which, of course, backfired in its own way. We didn't have a lot of money when she was younger. It was probably not until she was in high school that we ever had a cushion. But because she knew we were looking at edges and margins and needing to afford a lot of the extras to do with her education, she didn't ask for things that she wanted to do.

Which I get it, I did that as well, I knew growing up that any school activity that came with an activity fee, or uniform cost, or travel expenses was out of the question. I just wish she had asked for things and let us decide if they were things we could afford or not afford. You make changes to how you raise your kids to counteract the things that annoyed you about how you were raised and end up annoying them in different ways. 

Oh well. What's done is done and since she's not having kids she doesn't have to worry about passing along any annoying child rearing things to them. 

But anyway...now I have to wonder if my brain has quieted down because I maybe somedayed my goal numbers. I'll think about it. Maybe later. We'll see...

Picture This...

I have a few pictures where I know something important about what was happening that you can't see in the actual photo. 

I have one from Halloween when we were in Colorado Springs and the office staff dressed up. It's me and Joanne (I think that was her name), we both dressed as witches so we took a picture together. 

At that moment in time an infection was working its way through my bloodstream and I was quite literally dying. It would still be a day or two before I would notice anything and get to the emergency room for treatment. And then two days after that on the follow up to my doctor before the NP would tell me how close I came to it going very very badly for me. 

I have family pictures that are the very last time I was going to see my father. I didn't know at the time that it was going to be the last. But every time I see those pictures I think, this is the last time I saw my dad. 

I have a photograph of Jack and Ann that was from the last time they visited before Jack died. Again, no way of know that was going to be the last time we saw him. But it was. 

And for years I had the photograph of my parents and the photograph of Brent's on the same shelf. I hadn't thought about the fact that those pictures were the last ones we had of our fathers. It wasn't a plan to put them together. Some sort of "before" shrine. It just happened. Once I saw it though, I couldn't unsee it. And I separated the photos. Except when I make our ofrenda. Then I put them back together. 

And there are moments in time where you sort of step outside of yourself and know this is where it changes. This is a moment that will mark before and after. And mentally you freeze that moment in your head. When Ann called to tell us Jack had died, I was sitting on the bed in our room and Brent was in the shower. Which is why I answered my phone. Ann had tried calling Brent's first but he, of course, didn't answer because he was in the shower. So she called me. I looked at my phone too quickly and thought it was my sister Ann calling not my mother-in-law so I was very confused as to what she was telling me. That and the fact that Jack was only 58 so we were not at all expecting that. 

But I knew that moment, that was a before and after moment. And right then Brent was still living in the before and I was going to have to drag him into the after. I would have to do the same with Katie after I told her father. You kind of step out of yourself and see the world differently.

I have a set of pictures that comes up in my on this day memories every year that work the same way. You can't see it in the pictures but everything was falling apart. And I remember as I was taking them, trying for some sense of "this is fine" to project out in to the world, I remember thinking most people wouldn't have these pictures. But you always will. 

Those moments where you step outside of yourself and view your life from a bit of a distance. Where you have to disassociate just a bit to make it through. 

And you will. 

There might be a before and an after, but if you keep going you will make it through. 

And you can decide if you keep the pictures. 

All the Stars In Heaven...

I've got 7 days before I'm going to start the second quarter of the year with goals in place.

It's super interesting to me to look back and see how excited I was about having none this year. It was an idea that took shape around my birthday last year and then I went ahead and finished out the 2023 goals and went on to 2024 with confidence in my new idea. 

And promptly decided that I did not like it. 

It felt like being in a boat without a rudder. 

It gave me 2020 flashbacks. 

Which, I totally get, we were all off kilter in 2020 but the no goals thing for me is tied into that and now I've got PTSD feelings when I think about not having goals. 

So weird. 

I mean weird because I know it doesn't really make sense. I know that the things I will set up as goals are things that I do normally anyway. I read, I write, I work out, I take pictures, I do whatever it is I do. But if I'm just doing those things I feel like I'm not doing anything. It makes me anxious. But attach a number to it and BOOM! I'm good again. 

I'm sure it has to do with the way I was socialized. You had to work (and I don't), you should always try to be the best at what you are doing (and I'm not), you should always keep in mind that what you are doing is not for this world but for the reward of the next....

Oh. Wait. There it is. 

Growing up I was supposed to be the best at whatever I was doing and also know that the reward for that would come after I died. 

Holy shit. I replaced heaven with gold stars. 

Hunh. At least gold stars are real I guess?

Okay, I know for my believers out there, you hate when I talk about heaven as made up, but that's what I believe. 

I believe you should be the best version of yourself you can be because it's the right thing to do. But what I didn't really get was that the foundation for that was tied to a reward and so I just swapped out my rewards from something intangible to something tangible. 

Not for all of it. I mean, I don't think I should be kind because I set myself up for 10 acts of kindness this year. I think I should be kind because it's the right thing to do. Kindness makes a difference not just in my life but in the lives of those I am kind to, who might then choose to be kind to someone else. But because all of my childhood do the right thing was followed up with and you will be rewarded for it in heaven I have a do this then that feeling. 

Match that with the fact that I have rejected the work until you die, and always make sure you are the best in the room with stay at home and take care of things and be the best you in the room and don't worry about anyone else and I think my subconscious revolted and said BUT WHERE IS THE REWARD! I need that dopamine hit! If you aren't going to go to church 5 days a week and have someone tell you that you are earning gold stars on the heavenly star chart, bitch, you better get out a star chart here! I NEED THAT DOPAMINE HIT!

Or maybe not. 

Maybe it's just that we all like to be told good job. And if you aren't doing anything that gets that from the outside you have to do it for yourself. Nobody cares that I still try and read books by people different from me to expand my worldview. Nobody cares that I wipe down the baseboards so they don't get covered in gross dirt. Nobody cares if I come up with an exceptionally clever caption for a picture. Or even if I take a picture. But I still want that good job feedback. From me. 

Not working for a heavenly reward.
Not working for parental pats on the back.
Not working for a promotion or a pay raise.

After years and years of living a life that is my own, that I don't really care what anyone else thinks about it, I have to accept that I do care what someone thinks. And she holds the gold stars. 

Nonostalgia...

I always hate the part where people talk about their childhoods. 

And it always happens. 

New friendships. New potential romantic relationships. 

Everyone loves to talk about their childhood. 

Oh remember this TV show or that one? (Nope, can't say that I do. I don't really watch TV. Which I know opens a whole new REALLY? conversation.)

Oh gosh, remember how we used to play outside all day? (Some kids did. Some didn't. I'd bargain it's the same today.)

We used to drink from the garden hose! (Look, let's be honest, why do people act like that's a big deal? Did you haul the water from the creek, boil it, cool it, then run it through the hose? Or did you just turn on the outside spigot and get a drink? It's as interesting as watering a potted plant.)

These kids today are...fill in the blank, soft, spoiled, unaware, whatever. (I'd bet the same things your parents said about you when you were a kid.)

Why do they always want to talk about their childhoods as if that means anything anymore? I mean, you're an adult now, if you want to go outside, go outside. If you want to drink from your garden hose, drink from your garden hose. If you want to watch Sesame Street all day, watch it. These are things you can do now. But you don't want to do that, and you'd be embarassed to talk about it if you did. So why do you want to talk to me about doing it when you were a kid? 

Hopefully what you did at 5, 10, 15 and even 20 years old are the least interesting things about you. Don't make me relive your awkward years. 

Or if you insist on talking about your childhood there had better be something interesting to share. 

Once a friend told me about the time she met Jimmy Carter when she was 8. She asked him to move out of her way because she was trying to see the president. She had thought he would be wearing a sash for some reason. She said he was a lovely gentleman and they all had a good laugh at her expense about the sash thing. And also, that she's still more than a little disappointed that he wasn't wearing one. 

Now that's a great "when I was a kid" story. 

But most aren't. 

And I get it. I do. People just are trying to connect. To find things in common. But is it a real connection to say at 10 years old we were probably doing the same thing? I mean I ate eggs for breakfast this morning and I bet you've eaten eggs for breakfast as well. Is that something cool we should make a meme about? Sure, it's no garden hose drinking but...

I just hate that part of the conversation. The bonding over childhood. 

And maybe it would be different if I had had a different sort of childhood. Maybe if I had drunk from the garden hose while playing outside all day as soon as Sesame Street was over. Maybe if that had been my childhood instead of floating in a vat of artificial amniotic fluid, being grown as a clone replacement for the original me that was slowly dying from old age. Maybe if my implanted memories were about School House Rock instead of an actual one room schoolhouse. Maybe if I had shared bonding moments with my new supposed peers instead implanted ones with their grandparents. 

Maybe. 

Maybe if I ever meet someone who starts a conversation with "Remember when it was time to change out the fluid and it was so cold you'd shiver for what seemed like a week?" maybe then I'll get the whole garden hose thing.

(Write about a character who isn't nostalgic about their past at all, and show readers why)

Oh You Ate...

I know! I can't believe I almost moved on without talking about the food. 

Like I wrote about before we left I had decided to eat what I wanted and deal with the ramifications. So many of the outings and things we go on provide a lunch, or breakfast, or snacks, and so many of those things they provide I don't eat. Last time we went I gave all of my food restrictions to the companies and they gave me boxes of lettuce. Lots and lots of boxes of lettuce. 

I didn't want to do that this time so I decided I would pick and choose what I ate but not be strict about it. Pack my allergy pills and know that I could end up with sore joints.

And so that's what I did. 

I went crazy and ate all of the things!

Okay, I didn't do that. I talked to a couple of the places we go to see what they could do for me. Alii Nui (the company that does the sunset dinner cruise we went on) had their menu posted online and honestly there were enough choices for me in that menu that I wasn't worried, but I went ahead and let them know what I needed and they took great care of me. Had plates made just for me and brought them out to me when everyone else went below to the buffet. They even had a great dessert plate for me. I cannot tell you how exciting that is. A lot of places will have a gluten free dinner option and then have cake or cookies set out for dessert. 

The day long trip to Lanai could handle gluten free and I could just turn down anything else so that's what I did. They had a gluten free wrap for me for breakfast and just gave me extra fruit instead of a cinnamon roll. At their BBQ lunch they made special noodles for me instead of the yakisoba they do. Now, it was just gluten free spaghetti so it wasn't as wonderful, but it still worked. I just skipped the chicken (which is a shame because their chicken is really good) and the rolls. I didn't feel like I was missing anything. I had a little extra salad (more than just plain lettuce) to fill up. And they do a chocolate sundae on the way back in to port that is just delicious. 

The two whale watch trips had snacks but I skipped them. 

The luau at the hotel made me my own versions of everything including dessert. Brent got a plate with like 6 different things and I got a slice of chocolate mousse cake. He had more options, but I think mine was better over all. 

The rest of the time I picked and chose what sounded worth the risk. 

And when I did eat gluten or nightshades I only ate a little of them. The flight over had warm cookies, snickerdoodles which are one of my very favorites. I had two bites, enjoyed those two bites and gave the rest to Brent. At lunch I had one of the pork sliders on a guava bun, and ate the other one with a fork. I had two bites of mac salad. I had two bites of the cinnamon roll at Kihei Caffe. I had the wonton shells for the poke tacos, which worked out to two wonton wrappers. I had one bao. I also had some Maui sweet onion potato chips which are my very favorite chips. Oh! And some pizza at Monkeypod. I had pie there too, but I just ate the filling and left the crust for Brent. They make a great crust so it wasn't as easy as you'd think!

They had Hawaiian sweet bread French toast for breakfast one morning and I had a small bite of Brent's then decided against getting any for myself, I actually like the French toast I make better. Which is part of what I discovered with a few things. I have gotten used to my options. Like the cookie was good, but I can make a gluten free version that is really yummy so I don't need theirs. And Kihei makes a great cinnamon roll, but I have a cinnamon coffee cake mix that is super easy (I mean, it's a box mix for goodness sake) that is excellent. The bread for the french toast was fine but... I have gotten used to the extra flavor that my nut flours give to breads.

So I had what I wanted, not too much, but a little everyday. 

No allergic reactions at all. No hives, no itching. Nothing. So that was great and makes me wonder if I should do a test on nightshades again. Maybe I've been off them long enough that I can eat them again? Or it could have been that the times I had some (potato chips, spices in some of the fish dishes) it was a small enough amount it didn't trigger anything. 

Joint pain. Well, yeah. By about Thursday my feet and fingers were starting to feel it. Not as bad as when I first stopped, I could still close my hands in the morning, but it was building. This morning my feet were back to mostly not hurting when I got out of bed. So three days to flush the worst of it. I figure by the weekend I will be totally back to normal. So gluten/wheat is still a no go. Or at least a not without consequences.

The digestive issues that can come with gluten didn't happen, I think that it's because I ate so much fruit every day it balanced out. So that was nice.

I think I had the balance about perfect. Yes, I had some joint pain, but it wasn't debilitating by any shot. 

And if it turns out I can add back in nightshades it opens up a whole new avenue of fluffy gluten free baking for me. Though I will take it slowly on the testing for that. I think it probably was a volume thing. 

Oh, and I didn't add back in alcohol. Pretty much every place had a great nonalcoholic choice. I want a fun drink. Something sweet and fruity, possibly frozen, I don't need it to be boozy.

I think I found a fairly good balance. I didn't feel like I was depriving myself but I also didn't eat so many things that my system isn't a fan of that I felt awful. 

Yay!

Happy To Get Away...

So when we last left off I had listed a lot of the ways what we had planned did not pan out. The resort was incredibly crowded, the weather was temperamental, and physically I was just not ready.

And that last part really got to me about halfway through our stay. 

I knew that physically I was not where I normally am. It's been over a year now of injury, illness, rest, recovery, rinse, repeat. And I've pretty much made peace with it. At home. I know where I am limited. I also know the progress I've made over the past few months. But we hadn't been to Hawaii in two years and the last time we were there I was healthy and fine. 

I sort of view it like other people's children. You are always so shocked at how they've grown and changed. Even though yours is doing the exact same thing. But since you see your kids every day you don't notice the changes as much. They are gradual. You adapt. But then you see someone who you haven't see in a year and BAM! what the heck happened here? 

That was me in Hawaii. I did some pre-limiting things before we ever left. No kayaking. That was out right away. I knew I wouldn't be able to swing that, and heaven forfend if it was windy, we'd have just been stuck. I took out the open ocean boat boarding because Brent was worried. And my elbow was really tender when we first got there (I think I must have lifted my suitcase with my left hand not thinking about it) so it was the absolute right call.

But...just the walking and the fighting the surf when we were in the water and my balance. Oh my goodness...my balance. 

Now, I'm not to the stage of if grandma falls this is the beginning of the end, but I can totally see the cascade of issues and how they've affected a lot more than I realized. And the balance was a big part. Because I'm not in as good of shape as I normally am I had a really hard time keeping my balance on the rocks, in the narrow spaces on the plane, testing if I was losing my damn mind or if my balance was really off. All of it. 

Which makes some sense. Because I'm not working out at the level I was I haven't been doing a lot that challenges my core like that. Physical therapy is done sitting down, mostly, so I can really concentrate on my arm and making sure I'm moving just the parts that they want me to move. No weight lifting means not engaged everything and keeping a solid foundation during lifts. It all added up and I got kind of wobbly on my pins. 

And all of it added up to me feeling old. I hate that. I'm only 55. I get that I'm older than I was, but I intend to live to 100 so I've got a long way to go. It's happened before, the feeling old, also during stretches of not great health, but to happen in Hawaii seemed like a giant betrayal.

So Tuesday we were walking along the beach path and Brent asked how my thinking was going. I told him not great. Then I had to correct myself. See I was planning on coming home from Hawaii with some clarity and some plans about things, I felt like I needed to change something. But...I was also hoping that what was really going to happen is we would get to Hawaii and my clarity would be, everything is fine. This is fine. It's all good. But that was not what was happening. What was happening is that I was getting more and more reinforcement that something, a lot of somethings, need to change.

I'm tired of spending most of my time just managing. Managing my health. Managing the house. Managing my life. I really need to find a way to get back to living it. 

Which I know is hard to explain the difference. And it really looks similar. I mean working out, taking care of the house, writing, those are all managing my life. But also living it. I need to reconnect to the progress part. The being and moving forward instead of treading water.

Then came the dreaded photographer on the cruise to Lanai. Full body shots and a couple of candid shots. 

People, when I say I was not ready, I was not ready.

I knew I was heavier than I have been. See the lack of physical fitness. And I knew my eating had slipped, I mean I've been going to purge sugar again for ages...but...I had convinced myself that I didn't really look that different. Not really. Sure I'm heavier than I have been, and sure I'm not a fan of restrictive clothes, and how in the world did so many of my clothes become restrictive but...

So I don't feel great. I don't look great. I don't move well. I can't do what I want. I can't do what we had planned. This sucks right?

But it didn't. I mean, yeah, I am going to make some changes now that we are home to try and regain my fitness and lose some of what I have gained. I'm going to make some changes in how I'm engaging with the world. Those things need to happen. But Hawaii was still wonderful. 

When we were out on Wednesday on the day long cruise we were talking to Turtle (he's one of the captains for Trilogy, we've been out with him 3 or 4 times, he's been sailing with them for over 20 years) we were talking about the weather. We had heard that as windy and choppy as it had been that week, the week before had been crazy bad. He said it was some of the worst he's been through then motioned to one of the giant windows in the cabin of the boat. Or what should have been a giant window but was now a bolted on covering. One of the deck tables had blown off the ship, straight into the air, then crashed into the window. The deck tables are BOLTED on. 

Forty to sixty mile per hour winds sheering down the hillside by the marina. Which it's always more windy right there (if you've ever been to Maui or seen pictures it's where the long line of windmills are) but not like that. They had to get clever on sailing paths to get in and out of port. Once they were out, it was manageable, still rough and ready rocking, but they can handle it. More dramamine and ginger chews used than normal, but okay. 

I could never have handled any of the cruises if the wind had been like that when we were there. A few years ago when I started getting sea sick I thought we would have to hang up any of the cruises we do, but I've found a way to navigate (so to speak) and do okay. Dramamine, sea bands, don't go in the cabin if I can help it, and don't look behind us, and be prepared to not get my land legs completely back for a few weeks even after a short amount of time on the water. (which didn't/doesn't help the balance issues!) But if it's rough seas I still can feel the queasy starting before we get into port. If it had been super windy I would have had to cancel each of our cruises. As it was I did okay. Eventually I'll even be able to close my eyes and not feel the rocking. 

We had a great lanai in our room. Perfect ocean views. Binoculars to zoom in on the dozens of whales we saw each day just from the hotel. We had access to private spaces to relax and grab something drink or snack on. Out of the wind, out of the sun, beautiful views out of the floor to ceiling windows. 

We enjoy each other's company. We like being together. Talking, reading, watching sports, just hanging out. Our energy generally matches, we're both pretty low key. We aren't arguing over what to do because we enjoy the same things. And unlike two years ago when we were there and Brent realized he needed to change jobs because he couldn't disengage the entire week, this year he was actually between positions. He left one on the Wednesday before we left and started a new one yesterday. So he got a complete break. Nothing to worry about because he had no idea what his new job's worries are. 

It was really lovely. 

It was not the trip we had planned or expected but it was still wonderful. 

It's still Hawaii. 

Now I just need to think about what and how I want to change things. Thinking April first is a good start date. Gives me a week to sort out what I really want to prioritize. Gives me a week to stop thinking I really do need to lose about 50 pounds and my life will be all good. Also gives a good clean starting point. New month, new day, new quarter. I like tidiness like that. 

So prepare for the next few days to read about things I'm thinking about and then thinking to yourself, isn't this just normal Denise stuff? To which I will say, yes, of course, I'm awesome but also no, this is totally different because.... reasons. 

So did I get out of the trip what I wanted? 
Yeah. Totally. I wanted to figure some stuff out. And now I'm on the path. 
Do I want to repeat this version of a Hawaii trip again?
No. No I do not. 

But it was still Hawaii. And that never sucks. 

Vacation, All I Ever Wanted...

We knew going in that this wasn't going to be like our typical vacations. I often joke that I make Brent take forced march vacations. I want to cram in as many cool, fun, things as I can. We go on hikes, we go on tours, we go on excursions. We have plans for specific restaurants. We have days devoted to trying out the snorkeling on a different beach. 

Spreadsheets are often involved.

But this time we were doing it differently. I talked before that Brent was uncomfortable with me ocean boarding a boat. He had panicked visions of a wave hitting while I was holding on to the ladder and me yanking my elbow out of socket and starting all over again, though without the procedure as a "this will work" carrot to dangle. Because I still have pronounced weakness in my arm some of the hikes were out of the question too. 

I know, you are like, what? Do you walk on your hands? 

Well no, but on more than a few that we've done there have been places where you are basically pulling yourself up with a rope and scaling the edge as much as "hiking" to get into certain areas. More arm than you'd think, and definitely more leg strength than a lot of people were prepared for; it took a village on one memorable waterfall hike to get one of our tour group up and out of a space. 

So the plan was to be a lot less physical. Snorkel off of the beach at the resort, and honestly the beach off of our resort is a common drop zone for tour boats anyway, the snorkeling is excellent there. Add in a few whale watch tours and mostly sit on the beach or by the pool. Not a lot scheduled, just down time. 

Though one of the crew members on our Sunset Dinner cruise Monday asked what else we had planned for the week and when I listed it off he was like, "That's a lot." Umm...no. Not really. Not for us.

Here was the itinerary:

Sunday: Fly in. Food cart lunch by the airport. Pool time. USWNT game. Dinner either at the resort or walk up to Monkeypod. (Originally the thought had been to do the luau at the resort on Sunday night, we like to do a luau or a sunset cruise the first night in Hawaii to sort of ease in to the week. I checked the schedule for the luau then looked at some other things, then went back to book the luau and it was full. So weird, I thought, that never happens I thought, on a SUNDAY? Never hearing the clanging bells of foreshadowing. So when the luau was booked I scheduled a sunset cruise. Then the USWNT won their game and ended up playing for the championship in the Concacaf W tournament so that got moved to Monday night)

Monday: Originally nothing scheduled, then the sunset dinner cruise was slotted in. But all day free to lounge by the pool or swim off the beach

Tuesday: Kihei Caffe for breakfast, whale watch trip in the early afternoon. Dinner at Morimoto's. The rest of the day free

Wednesday: Trip to Lanai. This is a full day excursion. Some sailing, then time on Lanai for snorkeling or a hike, BBQ lunch on Lanai, some more sailing, back in port by 6 PM. 

Thursday: Free day plan to lounge and swim, dinner at Monkeypod for pie on Pi Day.

Friday: Completely free day, lounge, swim, nothing planned

Saturday: Thorns opening match 7 AM, Whale watch tour 10, free afternoon, luau starts at 5. (this was the busiest day as far as things that were set times)

Sunday: Flight leaves at 3 so morning at the resort, grab lunch on the way to the airport. 

Really casual. Lots of downtime and swimming and relaxing. Full days with nothing to do but sit in a lounge chair under an umbrella dipping in and out of the pool or ocean. *sigh*

So what happened in actuality? 

Sunday, the flight was really early so we did stop by the food carts but only one was open, we were on Portland time in our heads so went ahead and grabbed some lunch from that cart. It was a Thai fusion place and it was...okay...hard to impress a Portlander with Thai fusion. We have some of the best Thai (imo) here. Then got to the resort and holy.cow. We have never seen the check in so busy. We waiting in line to drop off our car, we waited in line to check in at the front desk. The valet said they had 500 check-ins for Sunday. Five. Hundred. And as I stood in line I realized that absolutely everyone ahead of me knew each other. And people who had either come in the day before or earlier that day kept stopping to talk to all of them. 

It was like a horror movie realization as I turned and surveyed the open air lobby floor...so many people carrying tote bags with the same logo on them. Oh no...we were in the middle of a convention. When Brent made it back from getting the car taken care of I told now I knew why the luau was sold out on a Sunday. 

Good news for us, because we were early our room wasn't ready but they could upgrade us to the fancy pants level. The one behind the gates. The one with the private lounge area with light breakfast in the morning, snacks in the afternoon and drinks, appetizers and dessert every night. Ooh. Ahh. All that and an ocean view. All for the special low low price of...oh no thank you, we'll just wait. So we waited. 

And they upgraded us to the special fancy pants level for free. Nice. 

And it was a gorgeous room. A touch bigger than the one we normally get. Almost the same ocean view as we had two years ago. We were a couple floors higher and one row back then. And on the other side of the golden gates. The wind was crazy on Sunday and the check in was so delayed that instead of heading down to the pool or the beach we just hung out on our lanai and watched the soccer match and the whales (I brought my binoculars so it was great viewing!) After the match we decided to take a walk down to the water and then grab some dinner. When we went by the pools we were shocked at how packed they were. Like wall to wall people. Holy cow. I mentioned the weather right? It was crazy windy. But every space was full of people. Those 500 check ins...

We grabbed dinner at the sushi bar then headed up to our room for a quiet night in trying to convince our bodies that it wasn't really three hours later than the clock was telling us it was. And trying not to do to the we got up at 1:30 AM Hawaii time math. Giving up we headed to bed early. 

But it was not to be. The Botero, lovely open air bar that sits on the ground floor with all of the fancy pants rooms in the Napua tower circling it, well normally they play live music until 9 and then close down completely at 10. The conventioneers, the badge people, they were having none of that and we were awake listening to their very loud group until 1 am. ONE A.M.

Okay, so Sunday did not get off to the start we wanted, but sitting on our lanai watching whales and an outstanding USWNT game was great. So the badge people were a little loud, not a big deal, it was their first night and I'm sure they were excited to see each other. We can sleep in on Monday and then spend the day relaxing and...

Every single chair by the pool was claimed before we were done with breakfast on Monday. The cabanas were all rented out for the day. The beach was already 5 rows deep with chairs and umbrella. Holy. cow. So we took a walk along the beach path (there is a gorgeous three mile path that the resort happens to sit in the middle of, go one way it's higher cliffs and ocean views, go the other way and it's closer to the water and some fun tide pools.) and talked about hitting the water and just not sitting out on the beach. We walked down to the beach on the way back in and...okay so the surf was really churning. The storms that had caused the winds and was still creating a bit of wind, were further offshore but really thrashing the water. Not great conditions for snorkeling. It's okay, we will relax on the lanai and watch whales and read. It's not poolside, but the pools were packed so that would have been annoying anyway...

You can already see how the week went. 

The storms were persistent all but one day, and that day we went into Kihei for breakfast so didn't hit the water first thing, we thought we'd go when we got back and by the time we were ready it was churned up again. The pools were crazy packed, we could have rushed down to reserve a chair at 7 but there was no room in the water to do anything except stand, and as you know, crowds aren't my thing and they aren't Brent's either. The bar was kept open late every night. I often wondered how people felt who were trying to enjoy a vacation when one of the groups I was there as a badger descended on them. Now I know. They wished we would just go away. 

So instead of swimming and snorkeling and lounging on the beach or by the pool, we walked along the beach path, we wandered around the shops, we sat on our private lanai or in the private lounge areas behind the golden gates and relaxed. We did all we could to avoid the crowds at the resort, and marveled at how empty everything else still is. Covid hit hard for tourism and then the fires really shut down another piece. We did not drive up to Lahaina and look at the damage, we didn't go further than Kihei. Sure we were curious as to the damage but it just felt so disrespectful to go look. 

Sure, we lost a lot of our favorite places to go on vacation, but the people that lived there lost everything. We will go back when they are ready for visitors but not before. 

Okay, so this is really long, I'll write more about what I was hoping to get out of it and what I got out of it tomorrow. 

It was a long vacation, fitting that I get a lot of long blogs out of it, right? 

Now It's After Hawaii...

Okay, so now we do all the changes I said I would do after Hawaii...

Or maybe not. 

I had expected to really get some clarity during the trip on what I wanted to do. Usually I do. I spend time swimming and walking and sitting and listening and I come away with ideas.

But this trip was not at all what I was expecting. It was nothing like what we had planned. I had in my head an idea of what I would come away with for answers. But that's not what happened.

The trip itself was unlike others we have taken over the years. 

The weather was challenging. Winds and offshore storms made the ocean a little tricky. There was one day where it was clear and calm, and we had something else planned that morning so thought we'd go snorkel in the afternoon. By the time we got back to the resort the water had churned again and it wasn't great conditions again. Most days it was really choppy and that's not great snorkel water, the one time we did go snorkeling (yes, ONE time) it was off of Lanai which is normally perfect water and visibility and it was so murky and sandy and the current was so strong that after about an hour in the water we were gassed. There were people on our tour who had a really hard time fighting through the surf and getting back up on the beach.

And I was challenged in other ways too. Not just the weather. 

Going someplace I haven't been in two years and getting a real clear snapshot of how much my physical strength has lessened was, well, let's say discouraging. I mean, I knew it was bad, I've been recovering from injuries for the past almost year. Not continual, but one after another. And I've been without being able to lift any weights at all for the past 7 months. It's been brutal. So I knew that I was not in the shape I normally am, but discovering just how off I am was tough. 

We walked everyday since we couldn't swim. Between 3-5 miles depending on the day. Just an easy pace (as an aside Brent has his own injury he's trying to recover from so we were being mindful of that as well). My achilles tendons were screaming at me after the third day. Just super angry. I walk/jog 3-4 times a week on the treadmill but without that added piece of weight training and outdoor hiking they were not okay with beach path strolls. Craziness. 

I also got a glimpse of a candid shot by one of the tour boat photographers and let's just say I'm not super happy with the way I look either. 

So...I am not jumping in with After Hawaii changes. I'm letting everything settle. Because right now my after Hawaii changes are hey, let's stop eating and start lifting weights three times a day, that would be great right? 

And it wouldn't. 

I mean, the injuries I have been recovering from, I'm still recovering from. The elbow could take another 6 or 7 months to heal, if not more. I am cleared to start lifting again, but low amounts and slow builds. And I do have some idea on how I want to change what I'm eating (basically I need to cut back on added sugar again I think) but I can't make dietary changes when that part of my head is triggered. 

So now I need to wait. April. April seems a good time to implement changes. It's a clean start. The first of new month. The first month of a new quarter. I mean, that's pretty perfect right?

Also, I know it doesn't seem like it from this blog, but Hawaii was great. Even with it not being our typical trip is was still wonderful overall. I'll write more about it tomorrow, the challenges and the benefits. But I am going to add those other goals back in in April as well so I might as well keep getting that head start on my blog numbers. 

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm starving...

Short Story...

She had steeped the tea for two hours. Strained the water three times. Mixed in a cup of sugar. Reduced it on the stove for another hour to get an Earl Grey Tea syrup to use in her cupcakes. Every step took so long. Sure she could have just bought a box of cake mix and made those but with the thunderstorm raging outside she might as well do them the right way. Today she would bake, yesterday she had found the text messages and told him, "Get out of my house." This morning she had started to wonder if that had been a mistake, if she should have waited. But he would be back, he needed to get his things. And he couldn't resist her cupcakes. Taking the time to make them this way he would never taste the poison. 

Dana sent me a list the other day:

Write a scene in a novel, using these words:
1. Cupcakes
2.Wonder
3.Earl Grey Tea
4."Get out of my house."
5.Thunderstorm

I smarted off that that wasn't from a novel that was just a paragraph. And apparently my head has been thinking...hmmm...ever since. So today you got the paragraph.

And of course it was poison and death. I mean Dana knew when she sent it that it wouldn't be Betty Crocker. And the last two items to include in your scene kind of lead you that way anyway. Or at least me.

I haven't really gotten back into the swing with fiction lately. I can feel the starts back in my head though. I'm hopeful that some salt water and sun will get them to the surface. I'm also thinking about doing poetry month for April again. That was one of the hardest challenges I've ever done with my writing. It really makes me think in different ways. I'm not a great poet, but I'm not a great fiction writer either and I do that anyway. 

Skippy, you can just take a month and work with your horses. 

I'm not sure I'll do it, but I'm tossing the idea around. 

This next week in Hawaii is going to be time for all of the ideas to settle and form and get tossed around and resettle. We have fewer things planned than normal so a lot more time to sit and watch the waves. And to swim. And to feel the whale song in my chest. 

Let's hope it's as rejuvenating as I want it to be. 

Garden State...

Once it warms up a little bit more I will be out in the garden today. I keep putting off the Spring things that need taken care of. Some trimming, some weeding, some planning for more plantings.

I don't enjoy gardening.

That's a big part of how we ended up in the townhouse before. After buying house after house with a yard for Katie to play in and then spending all of our weekend time taking care of those yards while Katie stayed inside with a video game I said  THAT'S IT! NO MORE YARDS! 

And honestly, it was kind of great. 

Except for the times you wanted a little outdoor space to yourself and it was nowhere to be found. 

We looked at house after house with small backyards, or no backyard but a good sized deck that backed up to a green space or a backyard that had been turned into a low maintenance oasis. And that's pretty much what we did with this one. We tore out the grass and put down pavers. There are a few areas of plants, but not a lot. 

It's not no maintenance, but it's pretty low. 

Which is great, except when it's time to do the maintenance. Which this year (everyone say it with me, When we get back from Hawaii) we will need to clean the pavers and re-sand them and then get new bark chips for the backyard as well. 

And we need to do a little more rearranging and planting to get it the way we want. 

And when we are sitting outside looking at the pretty blooming flowers I will love it. 

But I do not love the part that I have to do to get it that way. 

I want all of the reward without any of the work.

But that's not the way it works. So I am finding the balance between a little work with a good reward and living with a weed patch for a backyard. And of course I have to weed the front yard or the HOA will have a fit. 

I bet there's a political metaphor in there. But instead of finding it for you, I'm going to go put on a sweatshirt and dig in the dirt. 

Also probably a political metaphor in there...

Enjoy your yard, don't worry about anyone else's. Find what works for you and do that. 

Weeds are just plants that are doing their own thing...Think the HOA would accept that as an answer for why I haven't weeded the front yard?

Yeah...probably not. 

Slow Down...

I am doing a "Run Your First 5K" program right now with my iFit. As I mentioned I just started really slow jogging at times after being strictly a walker for years and years. I had it stuck in my head that running had to be fast and that was always hell on my knees. Tommy Rivs (trainer for iFit, world class runner, all around inspirational good guy) got me to try just running at my walking pace and it was like a light went on and I finally got it. I COULD do that. 

So for the past 6 months or so I've been slow jogging and walking. Had to stop when I got my arm worked on because the jarring of walking was too much let alone jogging. Then started to slowly build back up. 

I wrote down in January that I wanted to work toward running a 5K. (It wasn't a goal, it was a thing I wanted to do, shush!) and so when I saw this program on the iFit page I thought I'd give it a try. 

Bonus! The places we are training are all in Oregon so I'm on trails that I know. It was filmed during Covid so it's kind of amazing how empty the trails are on one hand, and how funny it still is to see people out on a trail wearing their masks. We were pretty good about masks around here. Kept our infection rates lower which then lead the, let's call them less scientifically minded, people to say "Why do we have to wear masks? Our infection rates aren't even as high as other places!"

But anyway...

Working toward running for a full 5K. 

And it's slow. Like the training program is slow. I'm running (I keep saying running but understand it's a slow jog) at a slower pace and for less time than I was on my own. But I really want to follow the program so I build up instead of burn out. Today while I was figuring out the 30 seconds on at an RPE of 5 with 60 seconds off at an RPE of 2 (TWO!) I was tempted to push it up quite a bit. But reminded myself that I wanted to actually follow the program. 

Then during the cool down portion Knox Robinson (he's the trainer for this program) said that he liked to touch base during cool downs and reinforce what we are doing. Part of what he said was to make sure I wasn't focusing on the speed. That we are always feeling like we should go faster, do more. And then we burn out and can't figure out why. 

Which is EXACTLY what I had been trying to avoid and EXACTLY what I could feel creeping in during today's workout.

Good trainer to know that I would be in that space when it's a pre taped, generic, program made for the masses. 

Or maybe it means we all need to hear that. 

Slow down. Stop thinking you need to go faster and further before you're ready. Keep an even pace. You'll be more likely to get there and not burn out on the way. 

Also, maybe partially related, yesterday was Super Tuesday and 8 months away from election day. 

Keep an even pace. Don't take it all on. Go slow. Don't burn out on the way. 

Panic in the Livingroom!

There was an outage this morning for Meta. So Facebook, Instagram and Threads were all down. But it was a weird glitchy outage. You got a message saying your session timed out but then it wouldn't let you log back in for Facebook. For Instagram it just wouldn't refresh your feed. 

I tried logging in a couple of times and then did a "Is Facebook Down?" search to see if it was just me or if it was a systemwide thing. Systemwide, cool. 

Because when I couldn't log back in I was worried for a second that either my account had been hacked or Facebook had taken it down since I got a naughty naughty warning a few weeks ago. I know you want to know what the warning was for, so do I. They don't really tell you. You just get a warning that you've been naughty and they are taking down your post but they don't tell you what post or when or what the complaint was. So I don't have any idea. 

I'm not the only one getting naughty naughty warnings right now. I guess they've been training a new AI to handle all of the complaints and then letting it run wild. So things that you posted years ago might get tagged now. Or complaints someone made about you ages ago that they hadn't ever gotten to are being looked at and if you used words like dead, or shoot, or punch you in the fucking face, you can get in trouble. 

Someone got a warning for posting a line from The Princess Bride in a thread on a post in a Princess Bride group. 

It's not a great system when you take everything out of the hands of people. 

Which it wasn't a great system when there were people involved either. 

Not just because of the things they deemed fine (scammers and hate speech) but because there were people who were having to look at the worst images to see if they violated terms and conditions. Imagine your entire day is spent looking at death, dismemberment and child porn. That's not healthy.

So the systems don't really work for what they need to do. 

We should all probably stop using it. 

But this morning when a forced stop happened a lot of people discovered how anxious they became when they couldn't access their feeds anymore. What a way to discover you're codependent with an app. 

I didn't get to the point of being actually worried. Once I figured out it was systemwide I just read a book and then got on with my day. But in those moments before I figured it out I did wonder about what it would mean if I lost access to my account. And I really do need to get those photos off. Find the program that downloads Facebook albums again and just do it. I know I've already lost a few because of Facebook dumping things, but I don't want to lose the rest.

I also thought, hunh, if it's crashed hard, like days without being able to log in maybe that would be the break I need to actually stop using it. 

But then it came back up and now I can go back to ignoring that voice...

I do really need to download those photos though.

Regulate This...

We are having a disagreement with our HOA. It's the third time we've had a disagreement with this HOA in two years. Our last HOA we didn't really ever hear from. I think we had one request that was turned down and we knew going in it probably would be but wanted to ask anyway. (We wanted to add a few inches to our front porch, we figured out a way to do it that wouldn't have looked odd with the rest of the units but because it was something that wouldn't then match we got turned down. We would have rather not been, but it was a reasonable and expected turn down.)

But our luck has run out. We are going to be arguing with these guys for as long as we live here it seems. Which if they keep coming back to us with nonsense won't be terribly long. Brent will take the loss and move rather than fight. He has zero time for drama at all and petty drama especially. And if we do move, you can guarantee it will be someplace with no HOA. Which will be really hard to find. HOAs are very popular, even neighborhoods you would not expect them often have them. And you don't know until you are in if it's a low key HOA that you rarely hear from or a we drive down the street looking for violations HOA.

When we got the notice from them this past weekend Brent said "People are too worried about regulating things they shouldn't care about and have no concern with regulations that they should care about." Then he told me, "Feel free to use that as a Facebook status." Which I will not. Instead I'll write a whole blog about it. 

We talk a lot about the nonsense people worry about and want to make laws about. Obviously having a trans child we are especially sensitive to the number of anti trans laws that are popping up. And we tried to warn people that it had nothing to do with "think of the children" and everything to do with "I hate trans people" Now that you are seeing legislatures move on from trying to regulate underage people and on to trying to get rid of trans care all together you can send your "You were right and I never should have doubted you" messages.

And it really doesn't even have anything to do with trans people. It has to do with power and what the ruling classes will do to keep it. If they can find someone to focus your hate and attention on they will. Because they do not want you to look at them. 

They want to regulate everything they can about you. Your health care choices, your body autonomy, your life, so that you don't realize that what we should be regulating is them. How did they get their money? How are they able to increase their wealth at such a rate while people are starving? Why have we decided that being a billionaire is aspirational instead of a crime against humanity? 

How many times have you been watching the news and some multinational corporation has done something awful and you find out it was legal? How many times have you read about tax rates, ACTUAL tax rates, the amount people actually paid and found out the loopholes and deductibles that are allowed for bullshit? How many times have you uttered the phrase, "I can't believe that's legal?"

If they can keep you trying to regulate if there is a book that mentions gay penguins in your child's library they can keep you from noticing they are making huge profits on necessary healthcare and medications that should have long passed out of patent protection. 

We worry about regulations on things that just don't matter. 

Ask yourself basic questions as you try to monitor someone else's life. 

Does this hurt me?

Does this hurt anybody else?

Is this really my business? (if the answer to the first two questions is no then this one is also no)

Am I being a dick about this? (if all of the above are no and you are still insisting that you should have some sort of control, then yes, yes you are)

Let people live their lives. If it's not hurting you, if it's not hurting someone else, it's not your business and you need to move on. 

Self regulate. Leave everyone else alone. 

Rant Against the Machine...

Listening to Rage Against the Machine in the car this morning and Brent said, "It's gets harder to Rage when you are older. It's exhausting." I said,"I still rage." He said, "But do you? I mean like when you were younger? I mean you blog against the machine, sure." I told him "I generally call it ranting now. I Rant Against the Machine." He agreed that was it. Rant Against the Machine.

It's the same as raging, just with bad knees. And access to the machine. 

I think that a lot of times what needs to happen if you are a former rager, and are still ranting, you need to use your access to the machine to rage and rant from the inside. To disrupt the status. My way is to speak my mind and hope that the seeds of it take root. 

I hope that I move people off of their comfortable positions and make them wonder why they are comfortable. Who is suffering for their comfort. Is there something else they could be doing?

Could they be speaking out? Could they be stepping up and saying what needs to be said?

I look like the standard middle aged, middle class, soccer mom (or grandma). I look non threatening. I look like your best friend from third grade (if you are my age) or your best friend from third grade's mother. And because of that people aren't threatened. They let their guard down. They lean in to listen when I talk. Because clearly nothing that I say is going to be threatening to them.

And I keep using the word threatening because that's the reaction you get when you are trying to foment change. People are threatened. When you live your life comfortably, when you understand all the rules and the way the system works and someone comes in and says, yeah but no...you get uncomfortable. You feel like someone is trying to take something from you. You feel threatened.

And people who want the status quo to stay the same, or to go back in time to when it was even more geared toward people like them being super comfortable, those people are going to work really hard to make it seem like a real threat. They say things like gun control means gun confiscation and then the government can do whatever they want to you! They control you with fear of things that would be good for you, like vaccines. Because if they can get you scared of everything then you are easier to control and focus.

The machine is working overtime right now to instill fear. It's targeting everyone who isn't them. People of color. People in the LBTQIA+ community, with special focus on trans people and extra special focus on trans women. If they can point at someone who is different and get focus on them then it's easier to keep everyone else in line. 

For a few reasons. But mainly because part of you knows that once they "take care" of them they are going to need a new target. And how far off the main are you? Are you the next edge? Are you the next focus? How comfortable are you really? And if you are a woman, conservative or no, you should be worried. Because you're next. Not even next, they are coming for you right now, just the first rumblings don't seem like they are specifically just because you are woman and clearly inferior. They are couching it in reproductive rights, but it's all based on the patriarchy wanting to keep their place and control yours.

Speak out. 

My name is Denise, I use she/her pronouns. I believe in body autonomy and privacy in health care. I think the real threat to society right now is the growing fascination with fascism and authoritarianism wrapped in Christian Nationalism. I believe the government should work for the people not rule the people. I think we all need to get back to remembering what enough is and stop hero worshipping those that are hoarding more and more. And I will continue to rant against the machine for as long as I can. 

Rant on. 

Ideas...

I had an idea for a short story. It came to me in the middle of the night. I rolled it around in my head for awhile and thought, yeah, this is a good one. 

I didn't write it down.

I used to keep a pad by my bed and would write down those ideas. But too many mornings of being excited to start on my next brilliant story to be met with a note that said something like "Strawberries don't roll because of their noses" and I realized that most middle of the night ideas only make sense in the context of being semiconscious.

But sometimes you do get a good one. A really good one. A this is going to be brilliant good one. 

Those I repeat to myself a few times to lock them in, then write them down in the morning.

Sometimes it even works. 

And sometimes I have mornings like this one where I know the idea was good. I can feel that it was good. And I can ALMOST remember it.

It's like it's hiding around the corner.

I keep getting fleeting glimpses and almost remembering it. Like I see the shadow of it running away from me while I chase it. 

So I've stopped chasing it. 

I wrote a new section of the story I was writing all last year. I reread it all yesterday trying to figure out where the wheels came off. And I found that I had written a piece setting up the place I am right now and had just forgotten. I mean I wrote it back in June last year so it's not that big of a shock that I had forgotten, but it did make me feel better that I really did sort of have a plan.

So I wrote a new section. It's still clunky but I think it's just going to be clunky. I have to get past it to move forward and sometimes in stories there are clunky parts. 

Fiction and nonfiction.

So right now on my computer are two sections labeled NotChapter18 and NotChapter19 as I rework them into Chapter18 and Chapter19. 

Wouldn't that be great to be able to do in real life? Figure out that something was the wrong direction and back up to rework it? But keep the ones that you think aren't working, just incase those were the right ones after all. 

Of course, I've written those short stories as well. I really do like the idea of a do over and then exploring what all of the horrific ramifications of that would be.

I'm pretty sure that wasn't the idea from last night. I'm pretty sure it was something new that I haven't taken a few different angles at. 

Maybe. 

Just that shadow tail there right now. 

Hopefully it will come back out later and I will have a chance to write down a few notes. And hopefully those notes will make sense when I get around to writing the story. 

Because...honestly... it's not just the middle of the night where I end up with notes like strawberries don't roll because of their noses. Sometimes the middle of the day notes are just as cryptic and just as weird.

I told Dana the other day that I sometimes think Brent has learned how to forge my writing and is leaving these random "story ideas" just to amuse himself. 

Which would be amusing. 

But much more something I would do than he would.

Hmm...maybe I should learn how to write like Brent. 

That would be a good story. 

Hop Along...

"Good night, sleep tight, and remember tomorrow is rabbit day!" 

With that her mother kissed her on the forehead and left the room. 

Remember tomorrow is rabbit day. Remember. Remember. 

She tried to stop thinking about it and go to sleep. She closed her eyes and her mind kept replaying rabbit, rabbit over and over on a loop. 

What if she forgot? Would her father lose his job? She had overheard her mother talking to her aunt about it. That if he got laid off she wasn't sure what they would do. Maybe she could take on a second job at night for a while but then she would never see the family. Her aunt told her that she was worrying about tomorrow's problems today and she should stop that. 

What if her mother lost her job instead? What if they both lost their jobs? 

What if someone got sick? Or broke a leg? Or the house burned down?

Rabbit, rabbit. Remember tomorrow is rabbit day. 

She hadn't remembered in May and that was the month that her best friend moved away. Her father had gotten laid off and had to find a new job in a different state. All of their summer plans were gone before they even had a chance to get started.

And Julia was miserable in New Mexico. It was much hotter than Michigan and there were no lakes nearby. Nobody had a lake house. Nobody even knew anybody with a lake house. She had gone to a pool party at their neighbors house and gotten so sunburned she blistered. She said it was like the surface of the sun there and it had only been June, by the time it was August she said it was even hotter and they had to go back to school already. 

Tomorrow is rabbit day. She'd already ruined Julia's life she needed to be careful. 

She had thought about leaving herself a note but was pretty sure that would be cheating. That it only worked if you remembered on your own. 

Rabbit, rabbit. Tomorrow was rabbit day. 

She laid awake for a long time worrying about all of the things that could go wrong if she forgot. All of the things that had gone wrong when she had forgotten. She couldn't remember anything really lucky from times she had remembered but maybe she wasn't a lucky person and just to be normal like everyone else she had to do everything to insure she was lucky. Pick up pennies, though you didn't really find many pennies laying around. Find four leaf clovers, she had known someone who found one of those. Make wishes on the first star of the night. Keep your birthday wishes secret so they would come true and never wish for something selfish. Fingers crossed for luck everyday. Three turns around when coming home from a trip to confuse any bad juju that attached to you. Knock on wood. She did every lucky thing she heard about and a few that she made up herself.

Rabbit, rabbit. Tomorrow was rabbit day. 

She wasn't sure if she'd get any sleep at all tonight. And maybe that would be best. If she just stayed up until midnight. Would that count? Technically midnight was tomorrow. But if she didn't go to sleep it wouldn't be the first thing she said, she had already said a lot of things today. So she thought she had to sleep for it to count. Had to sleep, had to remember without notes. Had to say it before saying anything else. 

Rabbit, rabbit, Tomorrow was rabbit day. 

In the living room her mother and aunt were talking. 

"Did you tell her to remember it was rabbit day?"

"I did. Do you remember how fun that was when we were kids? Say rabbit, rabbit the first day of the month before you say anything else and you'll have good luck all month. I loved trying to remember and the few times that I did I was so excited to see what lucky thing would happen."

"Oh, god, not me. I hated it. It would stress me out. I felt like if I didn't remember then I was responsible for all of the bad things that happened. There are still times as I'm falling asleep that I think about it."

"Really? Well I'm sure Rebeccah realizes it's just a silly game. I'll have to try and remember to ask her in the morning."

"Good luck with that. Rabbit rabbit leaves your head as soon as you sleep after all."