Re Do Re Don't...

Julie was sitting with Amanda and Beth while they looked through their old yearbooks. 

"Oh my god...do you remember Lizzie? She was such a little snitch." Beth pointed at the picture of the girl in their yearbook.

"She was! Like constantly ratting people out. What was her deal?" Amanda said flipping pages looking for other people she would recognize.

"Just a goody two shoes looking for approval."

"Or...she was a time traveller." 

"Wait, Julie, what? A time traveller?"

"Yeah, so you know how people are always talking about would you go back and redo things if you could? Like if I could start over knowing what I know now I could make my life so much better."

"Okay..." Amanda paused her page flipping.

"What if that Lizzie girl you knew got the chance. What if she happened to be asked by something that could actually do it? So she went back knowing what she knows."

"Why would that turn her into a little snitch? Like her wish was to go back in time and be a real bitch?" Beth wasn't buying it.

"That probably wasn't her wish, but it was the consequence."

"Not following. Explain."

Amanda started turning pages again, "Oh gosh, remember Thomas? I used to think he was so cute. Ugh."

"Okay, so, I run into a magic genie and they say if you could go back knowing what you know now would you? And I'm like, hell yeah, send me back to redo things. I will study harder, make some different friends, take the classes I was actually interested in, maybe invest in a few companies. Boom! I'm sent back to my freshman year of high school and I know everything I know now."

"So you are going back to become hugely wealthy and happy. See? You wouldn't go back to be a snitch."

"But wait...my freshman year. I'm sitting in my Health class with the instructor that I never liked. He always just gave off the creepy try hard vibe to me. But because I've lived through Yes All Women and the Me Too movement I know that he sexually abused a friend of mine. It wasn't just a creepy vibe, he really was a creep. What do I do with that? I can't turn him in to the administration, technically he hasn't done it yet and I don't think they are going to believe the 14 year old who says she's come back in time to fix her slacker tendencies."

"Wow."

"Yeah, wow. I mean I can try and convince her that she really doesn't want to be TA for him or be the trainer for baseball but...that might save her. Knowing what I know now, I would know that it wasn't just her. It's never just one girl with creeps like that. Probably the TA in my Health class is his current victim. But how would I convince her to turn on him? She probably thinks they are in love. And, again, I have no proof. But I'm going to be a pest about him. And I'm going to have to figure something out because I can't just let him continue to abuse girls can I?

And that's not all I know. I know my sophomore year I am going to have English with the absolute coolest girl in our class. I mean she was basically an adult while we were all 15 year old children. I can remember a few times a week seeing her boyfriend dropping her off before class. He had taken off from work to take her to lunch. He would cruise right up to the edge of the parking lot and she would hop out and saunter into class just so fucking cool.

He had taken off from work. 

Because he was a grown ass adult dating a 15 year old. 

At the time it just made her that much cooler. But knowing what I know now, what the fuck, my dude? You and I should have a discussion about legalities and statutory rape and what the fuck are you doing? But is he going to listen to me? You know she isn't. And everyone will just think I'm jealous of her, or it's none of my business. I mean, we didn't actually take good care of kids in the 80s. We might all be telling jokes about being feral, but it was true. We had very little adult supervision and nobody protected us."

"Okay, but still, Lizzie wasn't out there trying to keep girls from old creepy men. She was ratting out kids for stupid things. Like cheating on a test. Or smoking behind the gym. "

"But maybe those weren't stupid things if you knew what she knew. Like the cheater grows up to become a con artist because they always got away with shit. Or the smoker behind the gym dies at a young age from lung cancer. I mean if you went back knowing everything you know now you'd know who died from drug overdoses or alcoholism. Wouldn't you try to keep them from ever using? You'd know who died from suicide. You'd do what you could to get them help. You'd know everything you know now. Your dream of focusing more in class and investing in Google wouldn't be your priority at all. Or at least I wouldn't think so."

"Shit, that's dark."

"Yeah, so maybe Lizzie had bigger issues than being a goody two shoes?"

"I cannot believe you're trying to make me feel badly for Lizzie Rat You Out!"

"No, I mean, you're right, I'm sure she was just a pain in the ass. So, Amanda, back to Thomas."

"It's funny, I had the biggest crush on him all through middle school. He finally asked me out junior year."

"Nice. And was it everything you dreamed of?"

"No! We ended up not going out. Weird coincidence, but Lizzie ratted him out for something and he ended up grounded."

"Okay, that is crazy."

"But it ended up okay, I mean I heard later that he was not a good guy. Like a lot of stories."

"Yeah, did you know he got the shit kicked out of him by Jimmie Sanderson freshman year of college? I guess he had dated Jimmie's little sister and..."

Julie leaned back in her chair. "mmmhmm."

"Stop it. She was not a time traveller." 

"I'm sure. I mean how crazy of an idea is it that she was? But she did save Amanda from whatever Thomas might have tried. So at least maybe think of her in that light instead of as that little snitch."

Amanda shook her head, "You know, she really did. I hadn't ever thought of it like that, but it could have been bad. It was bad for a lot of girls. I should try and find her at the reunion and tell her thank you."

"You think she's going to go to your reunion? I mean, if you two are any indication school must have been miserable for her. Everyone always mad at her and calling her names."

"Yeah, probably. Which is too bad. I mean, I guess looking at it now she was just trying to help."

"Do you think if she did go back knowing everything, do you think she would do it again if given the chance? Like if she ran into the genie again do you think she'd ask to go back again, but without knowing anything?"

"Like she would just live the original life she was trying to fix the first time?"

"Man, that would be hard right? Like her life ended up being much worse because she went back to try and make it better, but she was able to make other people's lives better. So what do you do?"

"What do you do? If you could go back knowing everything you know now, would you?"

Amanda and Beth sat silently. Saying yes would mean knowing that you could help people. Like the other girls who had gone out with Thomas. But also nobody wants help like that so it would mean being miserable for four years or more, depending on how far they went back. 

Julie waited watching them think. Knowing that this was the crucial time. Would they? Would she reach her chaos quota for the year in one fell swoop? A triple dip in just one high school class. Lizzie had been one of her first, with her mentor telling her if she played it right she could pick fruit from that tree for years. 

Would they bite? 

Blur...

We are going to Hawaii in March. We didn't go last year. Two years between trips, and an injury prone, light workouts, heavy comfort eating, year means trying on the swimsuits to see if I need to shop before we leave. 

I made the mistake when we went to Disney one year of not trying on suits before we left. I was the same size (I thought) and weight so why bother? 

Well, I had changed up my workout routine that year. Increased the weight lifting by quite a bit. So I weighed the same, was the same size, except for my back. Which had gotten much broader. Probably a few inches. It took both Brent and I to wrangle the hook closed in my suit before I could head down to the pool for the afternoon. Lesson learned. Even if I think I'm the same size, I double check.

But I know I'm heavier than the last time we went so this time I really needed to make sure I had something that fit. 

I took my glasses off before I started trying on suits. Pulling tight clothes over your head, it just makes sense. 

And then I realized it just makes sense anyway. 

See, my distance vision is okay. It's just a little soft around the edges. I could get away with not wearing my glasses to drive as long as I didn't need to read the instrument panel of the car, or any street signs. Just the things in the distance would look softer, not as crisp. 

Which was great for trying on swimsuits. 

Standing in front of the mirror I could see the basics, does this fit? Am I contained? But the details were softened. The cellulite wasn't jumping out at me. The scars and new red dots and mysterious why is that a bump places were all just fuzzed out a bit. 

I think I have a new best known method of trying on clothes. 

And with the swimsuits that's how I see them in Hawaii for the most part. I don't wear my glasses when we are snorkeling, of course, I don't wear them in the pool. Everything is just a bit softer. And when I do have them on it's because I'm looking for whales. I'm staring off into the distance looking for something cool. I'm not looking at myself in front of a giant full length mirror. 

And the people I am spending my time with are either 1. Perfectly fine and awfully fond of how my body looks or 2. People I'm probably never going to see again. So why worry about it? 

I can guarantee when I'm in the water or on the boat I don't really think about my thighs. I also don't think about other people's thighs when they walk past me on the beach. Because I'm not paying attention to them. I'm looking at the ocean watching for whales. I'm reading my book. I'm sipping my fruity slushy. I'm telling my husband jokes. What other people look like in their suits isn't even a moment of consideration for me. 

I need to remember that. 

And trying on suits without my glasses was a good reminder to be softer on myself. Kinder about my edges. Does it fit? Does it contain me? And can I find something to match so I'm not wearing 4 different patterns at once...

That's what I have right now. My tankini is leopard print. My one piece is black and white polka dots. My rash guard is zebra print on the arms. My swim pants are parrotfish. It's a lot.

Even with my glasses off. 

New Favorite Sport...

Watching people melt down about Taylor Swift being at football games. 

OH MY GOD THEY ONLY SHOW HER AND TALK ABOUT HER!

I saw a post today that they show her around an all added up total of 2 minutes each time she's at a game. Two minutes spread over 3 hours. Pregame, game, postgame. 

OH MY GOD SHE'S DOING IT FOR PUBLICITY!

Taylor Swift fills stadiums on multiple nights. When her tour comes to a town there is a whole Taylor Economy that happens. SO MUCH MONEY comes in. Her tour, the way the tickets sold, made Ticketmaster change the way they operate. Ticketmaster which has been evil incorporated for decades had to explain why Taylor Swift fans got screwed. In Congressional hearings. 

She doesn't need the NFL or any publicity they might bring her. 

On the other hand, the NFL gets a ratings bump on Chief's games because her fans are watching now. 

Which then lends itself to the conspiracy theorists that claim that the fix was in and that the NFL would guarantee the Chiefs won. Sure...let's ignore that the Chiefs have been monsters on the gridiron for years. If people don't hate the Chiefs because somehow Taylor Swift is ruining their lives they hate the Chiefs because they've been dominant. And I respect that a lot more. I mean we all hated the Patriots by the end of Tom Terrific's run. Right? I mean, except Patriots fans and they just wanted us all to cry more. 

Which is where I am on everyone hating on Taylor Swift. Cry more. 

She's supporting her boyfriend by going to his games. 
Just like he supports her by going to her concerts. 

Just she gets the blame for the camera focusing on her when it does. Even though that's not her choice. And she gets either blamed for being a distraction or a plant or a set up from the NFL to generate news or a she demon after Travis's money. Which I think must be football math. When a billionaire is supposedly gold digging by dating a millionaire. 

Or the really fun ones where daughters and wives are finally watching football, a thing their husbands and fathers have thought for years would be so cool but...THEY'RE DOING IT WRONG so they need to stop. 

I'm not a Swiftie. Her music is fine but it's never really been for me. Always felt too young to really appeal to me for the most part.  A few songs here and there that I like. But I can respect her talent and her connection to her fans. She means a lot to people. There is something there that they love. I have friends who went to her shows last year with their kids and bonded in ways that make me happy deep in my soul. 

I'm not a fan of the NFL anymore. Haven't been for years. But I've seen bits and pieces of the Kelce brothers' podcast and they look like good guys having the time of their lives. What I've seen of the Taylor/Travis relationship (because, yeah, it's pretty unavoidable) they look like they are really enjoying each other's company and are pretty freaking adorable together. I wish them nothing but happiness and genetically superior babies. 

But for right now what I love the most is people melting the fuck down because a pop star, no wait, THE pop star, is dating a football player and suddenly their Mojo Dojo Casa Stadium has girls in it...

Love it. 

Still probably won't watch the Super Bowl, but I'll be here for the meltdowns. 

Writing Process...

I've talked before about the exchange I've been doing with Dana. I don't really have anything I'm working towards, I gave up on the idea of getting anything published by an outside publisher awhile ago. But I do want to encourage her to get published because I think she's a really gifted writer and I'd like others to be able to read her stuff. 

Anyway...

Last year most of what I sent her was out of one universe. A continuing story. And not at all my normal type of writing. But I've written like 18 different pieces to this story. And this week I was working on it and realized...I would never want to read this story. This is not at all something that would hold my interest. It's just...not good. So I deleted all of the files.

Just kidding. I just wanted to see if I could hear Dana yell NO!! all the way from Phoenix. 

I am at the point right now where I don't want to even look at it. I don't think it's good and it's not really anything other than a waste of a year. But I didn't delete it. I used to delete things. Just in a fit of I'M A HACK WITH NO TALENT I'd lay waste to months of work. 

Don't do that. If you write, just put it in another folder or a drawer if you're writing long hand and just leave it alone for awhile. That way after you've had some time away from it you can go back and see what's worth salvaging. You might even decide it's actually pretty good and you were just blocked. 

But now I've got to figure out what to write again. 

And I've only written one piece of fiction for the blog so far this year. 

Which I think is tied. When I get stuck on something it doesn't leave room for other ideas to come in. And since I've been trying to tie up the story that I was working on and not liking it but forcing it through anyway I've created a creative log jam. 

I think I'm going to do a flurry of prompt posts and see if that breaks things up again. I'll post most of them on this page and do one for Dana as well and stash those away to post later. I need something to get those gears turning again. 

Most people don't like to live in their heads and get worried when they hear voices...I hate it when the voices aren't talking to me!

So I've got a website I'll be pulling from that I've had luck with before but if you see anything interesting feel free to send it my way and I'll see if it sparks anything. 

Be warned though that sometimes what I spit back out isn't exactly what you thought it would be...

So here's to not deleting a year's worth of work and to finding some fun writing prompts for the next few weeks!

Love Language...

I was talking to a friend this morning and she said that it was just nice to be in a relationship with someone who spoke the same language. It was one of those moments that the bell of clarity rang. The truth in that. 

A lot of relationships are hard. Romantic, friendship, business, all of them. The ones that aren't, the ones that seem easy are the ones where you speak the same language. 

Brent and I talk about it a lot. Or comment on it. Usually we say, "We've been married a long time." That's our shorthand for acknowledging how much we think alike. Our touchstones are the same, our pop culture references are the same. We both start singing the same song when we hear a word or phrase. We speak the same language.

It makes it easier. Because we don't misunderstand each other as often as we would if we didn't. There aren't a lot of crossed wires in text messages. Not a lot of "What did he mean by that?" or "Why would she say such a thing?" We know what we meant and what we said because we speak the same language. 

And it's comfortable. So much less stress. 

I can remember quite a few years ago I was talking to a friend who is older than I am and grew up here instead of in New Mexico. I don't remember what they said to me but I flipped them off. And they were super insulted. Like instantly mad. And I was really confused. Why? I just flipped you off. You said something snarky, I responded appropriately. And they wanted to clarify, "Well up here the middle finger means 'fuck you' so..." And I was like...."Right...Fuck you."

It did not make the conversation better. 

To them being told fuck you was a big deal. To me it wasn't. We did not speak the same language. There was a generation gap and a location gap in effect. Gen X uses the word fuck a lot. Boomers not as much, and not in the same context. Like it was the big bad swear word for them and for us it was the all purpose word. And in New Mexico we used it even more. Flipping your friends off was common. It wasn't insulting it was and still is kind of like an eyeroll. 

If you don't speak that language you don't understand. I don't speak the language where it's an insult and they didn't speak the language where it's just a flippant (so to speak) response.

I'm just glad I didn't make the jerking off motion at him, that could have been even more awkward...

Find the people that speak your language. 

Not everyone will and those relationships are going to be more challenging. You are going to spend time explaining what you meant. You are going to have to find ways to communicate your intent. You are going to waste time uncrossing wires and smoothing ruffled feathers. But if you have someone, or a group of someones, in your life that get you, that see you, that speak your language you have a refuge.

It's so nice to be around people who get you. 

Even if you have to flip them off sometimes. 

Do You Know or Do You KNOW?

I have a friend who gets really mad when she gives an opinion on children and is dismissed by people who point out she doesn't have children. 

She doesn't think it should matter. She's worked in child care before. She's been around a lot of children. She sees children in the wild and knows how they act so her opinion is valid. 

Which, sure, she's more than entitled to her opinion. And in some areas it is an informed opinion. But it does not hold as much sway as the opinion of someone who has kids. 

She does not have a lived experience, she has an observed one. And they are different. 

Having a discussion with a male friend of mine yesterday about the Barbie movie award nominations. I made a joke post that I think it's actually kind of brilliant marketing that Robbie and Gerwig weren't nominated for Best Actress and Best Director, that everytime you watch the movie or talk about the movie from here on out that will be the coda. Totally fits with the theme of the movie. 

His take is that it's nothing but pearl clutching. That there was no actual snub. That because Gerwig got a nod for screenplay and the movie is up for Best Picture that's enough. 

And I was going to let it go but...

I've been seeing this take a lot. And it's always from men. (at least from what I've seen) There is no sexism and let me explain why...

Dude...

I see all of your arguments and I get that you think they are valid opinions. But you don't have a vagina. 

You have observed sexism in your life. We've lived it. 

I get that we all live under the patriarchy but the experience is different. You're like a fish in water, once it's pointed out you might be like, oh wow, yeah, this system has definitely been here all along. I'm like a dolphin in water. Yes, it has, and I know how to navigate it, but I need to go to the surface to breathe. There is a difference. 

You have an observed experience and I have a lived one. 

When a man wants to tell me how there isn't sexism in an issue that I'm just seeing something that isn't there I feel the exact same way as I do when my childless friend wants to discuss the best way to parent. You don't really know. You just think you know. 

And women know. 

There are men out there that think women will blame sexism or the patriarchy for everything when honestly most of us gaslight ourselves about it more than we acknowledge it. Didn't get a promotion we're really sure we deserved? We must not have worked hard enough. Guy on the bus stared a little too long and made us uncomfortable? Probably was just zoned out and not even looking at us. Voiced an opinion and was ignored? Probably they just didn't hear us. We try to talk ourselves out of it. To pretend we don't know.

But, yeah, we know. 

It's our lived experience. When we talk to each other about it we bring it up. Do you think it could have been? Yeah, it was. It's there. All the time. And you think we are seeing things. 

That we are clutching our pearls over something that doesn't matter because of reasons. 

Reasons you've observed. 

But until you've lived it, your opinion just doesn't matter as much as mine. Sorry. 

A lived experience just carries more weight. 

I'm pretty well versed in trans issues. It was something that I read a lot about even before Katie transitioned. I've got a pretty firm grasp on legal issues, medical issues, social issues. I can speak a very educated opinion. But if Katie tells me I'm wrong then I'm wrong. Because it's not my lived experience. I have the experience of being a family member, of being a friend, of reading a lot about issues, of paying attention, but I will never have the lived experience of being trans. 

Her opinion counts more than mine. If we disagree my opinion just doesn't matter as much as hers. 

Lived experiences carry more weight than observed ones. 

And unless you know, just know that you don't know. 

You know?

Dry...

Dry January has been a breeze this year. I mean, it helps that I just never started drinking again after Dry July but whatever...

It's been funny to watch the evolution of Dry January start to run its course. It started a few years ago (or at least that's when it hit enough of popular culture that most of us knew what it was) and it did the slow burn start. A few people did it, then a few more. People dovetailed it with Whole 30 programs. Which they started because of New Year New Me resolutions. 

Dry January just sort of makes sense after the really indulgent holidays. Brent and I did it for a couple of years, I want to say 2019 and 2020. January 2020 was pre pandemic, we did not try in January 2021. Fuck that shit. But it was a thing, it was actually a bit of a challenge which we were surprised by because we weren't really big drinkers. But the times we did drink had become an ingrained habit. A bourbon with our BBQ, a margarita at Allan's on Friday, a cider at the game. So just breaking the habit was good. Thinking about it. 

But February would come, we would head to Hawaii and Mai Tais were ON. 

So what did it really do except enforce that you can do anything for a month? Not just for us, but for everyone doing it. So you went a month without drinking then picked it right back up. What did it do for you?

And then people started making a lot of nonalcoholic botanical drinks to give you the sensation of drinking, the ritual of drinking but without alcohol. Which some of them are really good and I like that bars offer them now, sometimes. I mean, I don't always want to drink water or a Sprite. I'd like a fancy fruity specialty drink too. But they had to market them to people who are "sober curious" and bullshit like that. Because for some reason drinking is the normal thing instead of not drinking.

And just like that, as it became mainstream for people to not drink at all Dry January is over. Now we've moved on to Damp January. For those people who cannot wrap their heads around 31 days without a drink, how about just drink less? Again, like drinking is the normal thing instead of the oddity. And honestly...if you can't make it a month without a drink maybe drying out completely is a good idea?  

I've talked about it before, I have gone ages without drinking at multiple times in my life. I was a bigger drinker in high school than I have been at probably any other point in my life. (allegedly, assuming that the statute of limitations is WAY past) But because I drank a lot then I know how easy it would be to drink a lot all the time. And with a mother who constantly stressed how we had alcoholism in our family and a fairly high tolerance I was pretty cautious. I stopped drinking when we decided to get pregnant and I didn't drink again until Katie was like 3 I want to say. 

And oh boy, that first time was a lot. It was a company party and the brothers who held the party made sure my cup was never empty. We tried to add it up later and think I did somewhere between 7 and 12 jello shots and had 4 or 5 beers. I threw up so much I'm pretty sure my stomach turned inside out at one point. I couldn't even look at a side of salad dressing without getting queasy for years afterward. (They made the shots in the little plastic cups that dressing comes in)

So that was that for drinking again for a long time. Just didn't need that in my life. Thank you. 

The crazy thing about being a non drinker, but not an alcoholic is that people really don't like it. They are insulted that you don't drink. Or at least act like it. And when you do have a drink they treat it like they won something. Oh...you're having a drink. I didn't think you drank...I see. 

And even when I am in a phase where I drink, I don't drink much. A drink. One time a week. Sometimes on vacation I'll have two. And if we are taking a full lazy day at the resort I might have 3 or 4 all day. Crazy! But that's still rare. Open bars are always a waste on me. I'm probably going to stick to one before dinner and one with dinner and call it good. It's okay, there is alway someone there drinking my share. 

I haven't decided yet if I'll drink when we go to Hawaii this year (yay! we're going back after missing last year!). I do like a Mai Tai. But I also have liked not having hot flashes over night while my body processes the alcohol. 

Because that was what triggered this time quitting. I had to stop bourbon because it was triggering the joint pain. (Dark alcohols have more congeners than clear ones and if you are sensitive to them they cause more issues) But then I noticed that on nights when I'd have a cider at the game I'd have more hot flashes. And more severe. Did some experimenting to see if it was something else; a snack, or the excitement, or the odd hours, and no, it was the booze. So I stopped drinking in July completely and yeah, it's better. 

I also go through phases where the fact that your body breaks alcohol down into poison, no matter how much you drink, there is no perfectly safe amount, just amounts that they don't do as much damage, really bothers me. There is no other substance that we'd be like, okay, look I don't eat a lot of poison, just a little bit a few times a week. It's fine.

Is it? Is it fine?

And when that "It's poison" voice is louder than "I really like the way bourbon tastes" I stop drinking. 

Until I start again. 

So for right now I am in a not drinking cycle. People will assume I'm an alcoholic and if they ask and I correct them that I just don't drink they will get a little bent. It's all pretty familiar territory by now. But still weird.

The only other thing that people seem to get really personally attached to is my hair. So imagine if I decide to cut it all off while I'm in a sober phase? 

Heads will explode.  

No worries. As of right now I'm thinking about growing it out to my waist. The only thing that might change that is how freaking long it takes to color now that it's longer. If I have to choose between red and length I think red will win. 

Cheers to that. 

You've Got to Admit It's Getting Better...

A friend and I used to tell each other that the only good thing about being sick is remembering how incredible healthy feels. 

We take the normal levels for granted. The day to day health just fades into the background and we don't notice. 

Until we get sick. Then right after we are better we are full of gratitude for health. It's so great to be "normal" again! And we swear we won't forget.

Until we do. 

Yesterday I straightened my arm without it shaking. This is the first time I've been able to do that since...umm...October? It seems like forever, but I think it was October. 

It's still sore. There is still a pretty deep ache in there. But it was an absolute sign of progress and healing. I could straighten it without it shaking. I made Brent watch me do it. Then had to explain to him what he was seeing and why it was a big deal. He was then suitably impressed. 

And I would guess a little relieved. He's been carrying a really high burden of keeping things running lately. Normally I take care of the majority of cooking and cleaning, but there have been times I couldn't really do anything and the rest of the time I couldn't do much. Seeing a little light at the end of the tunnel has to feel good to him as well. Though he would never admit that it's been a problem. It's just what we do. We pick up the slack for each other when it's needed. 

And it was perfect timing for me. I had reached the point of THIS IS NEVER GOING TO HEAL these past couple of weeks. Just completely frustrated with how slow it was going and how it didn't seem to be getting any better. When Chad and Raquel asked about the procedure I said I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. It was so incredibly painful to have done and there was zero improvement. 

We will see how the next couple of weeks go but I might be revising my recommendation. 

And I did say that a big part of my issue was I thought I was going in to have a strain/sprain worked on and it turned out to be a tear. As soon as he found the tear the timeline for recovery changed. But I could not get my brain to accept the new timeline. I wanted complete healing within 12 weeks, with the marked improvement within 3. Well, no. The new timeline could be over a year before I have complete healing. And as far as majority healing, who knows? 

But yesterday I could straighten my arm without it shaking. I still might not be ready to kayak at the end of February but next year? Maybe.

As far as my ass goes, it's slowly healing as well. Seems like it is just bruised. The muscles are sore and I'm a little jarred but I think if I can keep my glutes from tightening up and yanking my pelvis out of alignment I'll be fine within a week or so. Definitely was not ready for jogging yesterday, but walking was okay.

I can't do anything with it without it shaking, but I think that's just my ass...

Everything is getting better. As frustrated as I was with it all on Wednesday maybe breathe and leave did work. Just slowly. 

Progress. 

Leave It...

At the end of every workout in the series I am currently doing the trainer does this breathe and leave thing. 

You take a deep breath and then let go of something that is no longer serving you. Leave it on the treadmill. It's an interesting thought process. And one that makes me think of the experiment I did last year with the self help books. What would I have thought in my 20s vs. now?

And a lot of what she suggests as things to leave behind are things I don't carry anymore. Problems you tend to have as a young mother (which she is) or just a younger woman. And I could totally see that as being helpful to my younger self. I spent a lot of years figuring out how to let go of things that didn't serve me. 

And I mean, I still do. You all know I'm super self reflective and try to clear out attitudes and habits that don't serve me all of the time. 

So as she is cuing the deep breath for the breathe and leave portion I am thinking, what do I want to leave behind? What isn't serving me?

And honestly, the thing that keeps popping into my head is my body. My aging body to be specific. But that's not so easy. 

I was telling Brent about it, and about why I'm so frustrated right now. I have never in my life been more motivated to be in shape. To be fit. To be strong. Hell, I've even been jogging for goodness sake! But...I have had injury after injury for the past year? two years? Three?

I cannot get to a point where I'm perfectly healthy and healed and ready to go. 

And it's a vicious circle. I have this strong urge to be really fit because of how much aging has taken a toll. How easy it is to get injured. How hard it is to keep moving pain free. But because I'm aging I can't just push through things and ignore them. I've got to actually fix injuries, go to PT, be careful about movement. 

So while I was telling him about my frustration he said, "Well, yeah, you've had a little bit of a bad run..." and he trailed off. There should have been a but follow up but he didn't have one. Yeah, I've had a bad run. And...that's just what it is. 

AND...I get it. I am not nearly as bad off as a lot of people. I have a lot of little injuries and pains that keep me from doing everything I want. I have friends with health issues that keep them laid up in bed or on constant pain medication or waiting for surgery. I get it. I'm fine in the grand scale of things. 

But I'm still frustrated. 

And I'm allowed to be frustrated. 

So are you. 

Just because someone has it worse than you do, about anything, doesn't mean that you can't be frustrated about something in your own life. If it helps you to think of others that have it worse to put perspective on your problems, then okay do that, but if it only makes you feel like you are being selfish or spoiled, then don't. Because, again, it's okay to be frustrated with what looks like a small problem compared to someone else's bigger problem. 

It's the same reason why I always snap back at people who comment that something is a first world problem. Yeah, most of us only have first world problems because we live in the first world. So fuck off. 

So now I'm thinking about how to leave the frustration behind. How do I stop feeling like I just am not making the strides I want to? How do I change to feeling that I am doing the best I can right now and that's okay? Where is that attitude shift and how do I grab ahold of it? I haven't yet figured that part out, but it's what I started thinking about on Wednesday as she did her take a deep breath part. 

And then I got off the treadmill and promptly fell smack on my ass on the garage floor bruising my ego and my ass. 

For fuck's sake...

Deep breath. 

Breathe and leave. 

Yeah...sure. 

So What...

Trump won the Iowa caucus last night. I mean, that shouldn't be a surprise to anyone. I fully expect him to win the GOP nomination. They made their choice and because they've made him so important to their own self image they will have a very hard time breaking from that now. 

But...

There were 110,000 voters who made it out in the weather to caucus. I know the GOP is trying to frame it as a large number, such determination in this weather! But it was 110,000 voters. And he got 56,000 of those votes. 

So I'm not ready to panic that all is lost because out of the 752,000 Iowans registered as Republican, 56,000 of them think Trump is a great option. 

I have to believe that the people who did not vote for him last time are still not going to vote for him. I have to think that though his highly devoted base does not care at all about the 91 indictments, some of the people who voted for him in the past two cycles will not this time because they do care. He's still an absolute threat to the entire concept of democracy and I don't think the people who understand that have suddenly stopped understanding it. 

It's going to be a long year. There is going to be a huge (not even going to be, already happening) foreign influence to try and pit all of us against each other. To try and destabilize our country even more. If you are active at all on any of the social media sites you are seeing the start of the comments that are the same. Multiple people saying the exact same thing on multiple posts. Trying to stir up hate and discontent. 

And it will work. 

To a point anyway. 

I think we are all still pretty much in our hate and discontent mode that started in 2016 and has just settled into part of who we are now. 

We learned a lot about each other in that time period and then in the years that followed and a lot of it wasn't great. We lost a lot of respect for each other during that time period as well. So it's not that hard to believe the false posts put out there by the bot farms. (Bot farms is kind of misnomer, some are bots, but a lot are people who are just being paid to pretend to be Carl from Ohio who has deep state information to share or Suzi, I used to be a democrat until I found out about the groomers, from California)

And then once people decide to believe the false posts you see people you know talking nonsense like it's true. 

And you lose a little more respect. 

I know it's so fucking depressing, and I know it's hard to see when it ends and how we get back to a little better balance. 

And I'm not sure we do.

At least not in my lifetime. 

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe something happens and the scales fall from our eyes and we see clearly again. But people are pretty locked into who they are and what they believe. Not a lot of us out there willing to say, I don't know. Or I don't understand. Or this is a complicated issue with a lot of moving parts and though I have an opinion, I realize it's just an opinion and I could be completely wrong. 

I'm not worried yet about the election outcome in November. Not deeply anyway. I mean there is always the low lying dread that lives in my soul since November 2016. But I really don't believe he will win again. I just can't. 

And that's a big part of how I'm living this year. I just can't believe there are enough people out there that think he's a viable choice. If I thought that the majority of Americans (which he's NEVER won the majority vote. EVER) thought he was the best choice. Or even a choice they could hold their noses and make I'd be too angry for public consumption. 

So I'm going to live this year with a little bit of low lying dread, a little bit of willful delusion, and a giant portion of hope. 

As always...

Go Blue!

Another Weather Blog...

Well the it might or it might not storm mighted. We got snow and ice and frigid temperatures. Over 3000 power outages affecting over 100,000 in Portland. We kept our power, just one quick dip out and back. 

Brent shoveled the driveway and walk yesterday...for two hours. But with the sunshine today it's perfectly cleared off now so it was the right call. Even if I was getting ready to tell him he had to come inside that it was 15 degrees for fuck's sake. 

We've been cycling the hummingbird feeders in and out to make sure they have food. We've had a pretty consistent stream of them around the feeder for the past few days. Though Brent said that one of them didn't make it through the night. Poor little guy. I mean Brent. He's taking it very hard. I keep telling him there was nothing he could do, and that it's just extreme temperatures. That we did what we could with the food and that's all we could do. He still feels terrible. 

The Winterhawks game went from postponing the Pride celebration aspect of it to cancelling the whole game when the teams and the officials couldn't make it to the rink on Saturday. There is a game today, right now actually, that they are playing but we decided not to go. I'm sure the main roads are fine but our neighborhood is still pretty iced in and I just would rather not. 

It's hard to get really motivated to do anything outside when the high is a teen. 

Though to be honest, today we are in the 20s. Basically a heat wave. 

And we aren't anywhere close to the worst weather in the states right now. Huge swaths of the country are at or below zero. For highs! It's been crazy. 

The good news is that we have another ice storm coming tomorrow!

Oh wait, that's not good news at all is it? 

Yeah, one more round of ice starting tomorrow afternoon through early Wednesday morning. Hopefully it won't be a lot, but they are predicting up to a half inch. A half inch of ice is a LOT of ice. So we will cross our fingers and hope the power holds again. 

And also hope that the thaw happens right away on Wednesday. Katie is supposed to come up from Bend on Wednesday to do her home inspection on Thursday. If we get a lot of ice she's not going to be able to make it. If that happens I'll go in her place, but we'd both rather she was able to be here. 

I'm still sticking with my complaint that it's 2024 and I have no idea why we can't control the weather. 

Though to be fair....we kind of have. I mean the extreme weather we have is partially due to climate change right? And we did that. 

So yay us...

Girl of His Dreams...

"So you just don't date?"

"I have a few times, but it's not worth the time or energy and honestly it's not fair to the women I go out with. Unless they fully understand that it's just dating, it will never lead anywhere. I'd rather keep looking for her."

"And who is she?"

"Like her name? I don't know."

"Then how do you know she exists?"

"Because I've seen her in my dreams since I was...I don't know, since I was born? I always recognize her. I know she's the one and I know she's out there. She been up here," he tapped his head, "for as long as I can remember."

"In your dreams? I mean I dream of being in class with no pants on but that doesn't mean I'm just waiting for it to happen."

He laughed, "I know it sounds kind of crazy, but I know she's real. It doesn't feel like just a dream. It feels like a memory almost. Or a tugging. Like she's half of my whole and we just fit. So I keep looking for her."

"And she always looks the same in your dreams?"

"Yeah, basically. Her age changes. She's always right around my age. Blonde hair and gray eyes, around 5'6", athletic build. When I would dream about her when I was younger she was always in a soccer uniform or a softball uniform."

"Uh oh."

"Uh oh?"

"Yeah, I mean she's athletic, she's always in sports gear. Maybe you can't find her because she's a lesbian."

"Oh so narrow minded of you. Not all athletic women are lesbians."

"No, sure, some of them are bi."

"You're being homophobic."

"No, I'm playing the odds. And I'm teasing you about your make believe girlfriend."

"I swear she's out there. And I'll keep looking for her. But until then, no, I don't want to be fixed up with your friend. I don't want to get on any of the dating apps. I don't want to send a drink to the brunette at the end of the bar. I'm okay waiting for her. I know she's the one."

------------------

"Wow. Is this you?"

"Yeah. That's me, I was 12 I think."

She looked at the photo and then back at her. "I don't think I've ever seen you with your natural hair color and not wearing your contacts. You look totally different."

"Yeah, that's kind of the point."

"But, seriously, why? I mean and this isn't supposed to sound as creepy as it will, you were a gorgeous 12 year old. Blonde hair and blue eyes, you are the Barbie ideal."

"They are actually gray."

"What?"

"My eyes. They are gray. Here, look." She slid out the contact from her left eye for a moment before rinsing it and putting it back in. 

"Okay, now I don't know at all why you have colored lenses. I mean, who has gray eyes? That's amazing."

"Yeah, well if anyone ever asks you, I don't. I have green eyes and red hair."

"Okay. I mean, I still think it's weird, but it's what you want to do so who am I to talk you out of it. I mean, I can't so I will pretend it's my choice."

"Good idea. I just like this look better. It feels better to me."

Safer. That's the word she would use if she was being honest. But she knew it made her sound crazy; that she knew there was someone out there looking for her because she'd seen him. She had had nightmares her entire life of the moment he found her and she knew that he was looking for a blonde with gray eyes. 

Ever since she was a little girl he would show up. She would be playing soccer with friends and look over to the sideline and he would be standing there. Her stomach would clench and she would know, he was going to kill her. It was always the same boy. Sort of nondescript. He could have been almost anyone. But it wasn't anyone. It was always the same one. As she aged he was still there. Searching for her in crowds. She could feel it in her dreams, the moment he would get near her and he would tell her he had been looking all over for her. She would wake in a cold sweat filled with dread. Knowing once he found her she was never going to be able to get away from him. 

She was still blonde with gray eyes in her nightmares and so in her real life she would be a redhead with green eyes.

A safer choice.  

Updates and Restarts...

Today's blog will be just what the title promised. Some updates and a restart for me after taking a week (basically) off from writing anything. 

I wrote out a section on the piece I've been sending to Dana and I realized as I was part way through that I hated it. I need it. There is something in there that I want, but I'm realizing that one of the characters hasn't gotten the development on the page that she has in my head. So I need to rework or add more in earlier and then rework that whole section. It was so frustrating to me in the moment I just walked away hoping it would start sorting itself out. 

And then I didn't come back. 

Until yesterday I was thinking about it and realized I hadn't written anything for the blog since Saturday. Eek!

So here are the updates.

The potential storm system from last week looks like it might actually be a thing, but then again it might not. But it's enough of a concern that instead of going to visit Otto while his people are away Otto came to stay here. We get ice storms as well as snow. And sometimes we get the great ice sandwich, or snow sandwich, where you get a layer of ice, then snow then ice, or snow then ice then snow. Any of those are horrible for driving. And also horrible for the power grid. Ice is heavy and makes the trees really brittle. And since we refuse to figure out how to bury our power lines the branches fall into them and KABLOOIE! no power. 

We have battery backup here. And are here so we would be aware right away if there was an issue. It's just safer to have him here. Even if he might not be thrilled being in one room in a strange house with some nosey fuckers messing with his door all the time. 

The hope is that they start to maybe interact nicely through the door and then we can introduce them and have them hang out. Fingers crossed. But for now he's pretty content hiding under the bed and coming out for snugs when I go in to visit with him. 

I also rescheduled our hair appointments and luckily Sara had a spot she could slot us in next Saturday so it won't be too terrible. I mean, it's terrible, don't get me wrong. I have a whole line of roots showing and for Brent it's been 10 weeks since he's had his touched up so he's really ready. But I still feel like we were really lucky to get in with just a week extra to go. And now we all get to sleep in in the morning instead of worry about what the weather looks like right away. 

Katie was up looking at houses last time I wrote. She came back with the good news that my taste doesn't completely suck. The places I told her I thought were too small were too small. The place I thought needed too much work for her comfort needed too much work for her comfort. The place I thought was the best for the price she thought was best for the price and the two others that I thought were nice and would be good choices but had some issues she felt the same about. She was awfully cute trying not to insult me by saying she felt she needed to see them to see if she agreed. I agreed with her that she needed to see if we lined up so she felt better that she didn't make me feel badly about not just taking my word for things. And then really relieved when I told her if she hadn't made the call to come look herself I would have insisted on it. No way am I comfortable making a decision like that for her.

After touring houses with Patty on Saturday they went back to Bend and thought about it for a bit then she made an offer on the one that I thought was best for the value. They accepted and so she's on the road to homeownership. Can you believe it? Patty only had to go look at houses three times, twice with Brent and I to narrow some choices down, and once with Katie and the girls. I am not even sure whose child she is. Only three? Did you even shop for houses? 

I'm kidding. I'm glad she found someplace. I'm hopeful that it all works out with inspections and financing and all of that great stuff that happens once the offer is made. She should be up here next week for a quick stop over to do the home inspection tour. Otto will leave and they will come in. Tig and Tux are going to be exhausted by the time the house is empty again!

The elbow is still healing. Slowly, but it's going in the right direction. I have physical therapy once a week and I FINALLY am getting some strengthening exercises to start rebuilding my grip strength. It's crazy how little I can do right now. Still trying to wrap my brain around the possibility that it could take a year to heal from the tear instead of the weeks from a strain that I thought I was facing. But it's moving forward so maybe it will be sooner rather than later. 

And now I've written again and I am planning on getting back into that habit. I just need to figure out what I want to write about. So much doom and gloom and ick going on all the time and I don't really want that to be my focus. Though sometimes it's going to be because there is so much doom and gloom and ick. 

But that worry is for tomorrow. 

Spoiled...

It's been a super mild winter so far. Or it had been. And it's amazing how quickly we got used to that. There is a chance of snow in the forecast for the coming week and I'm like legit mad about it. I have things to do that snow will screw with. I'm cat visiting, I have PT, most importantly I have a hair appointment!

It's just funny because I had gotten out of the habit of even checking weather, it's been so mild. And then this week it was suddenly SNOW! THERE IS SNOW COMING! and the girls were coming up (they made it here safe and sound out looking at houses right now) and also will need to get back tomorrow (fingers crossed it's fine). 

But it's January and it's normal that we get some snow at least and if not then some overnight freezing. Which we did get in November. Just not December. No white Christmas chances this year at all. 

Which is totally fine by me. 

I am not a winter person. I would love to live someplace that was sunny and mild all year round. The problem is that Hawaii is too expensive and the southern states that have that climate are too red. I have no urge to live amongst people who think everything I stand for is some sort of extreme agenda. You know, feeding the hungry, housing the homeless, caring for the sick, treating everyone as equals, those outrageous values.

Winter weather is our biggest hurdle with Brent convincing me to move to someplace less expensive. There are a few midwest states that are reasonable cost of living and reasonable politics but they are winter states for sure. And ick. Though if you live someplace that gets regular snow it's not nearly the inconvenience it is here. I mean we dealt with it in Idaho as a constant. Even Colorado Springs wasn't terrible, though they got horrible ice storms which it doesn't matter what tires you have, what preparations you've made, you just stay home and hope the power holds during those. 

But the bottom line is I've gotten soft and spoiled. The idea of snow coming and inconveniencing me makes me cranky. I need to be able to get out and do things. Not just this next week, but for sure this next week. 

And it brings me back to my biggest complaint about living here in THE FUTURE. Why haven't we learned how to control the weather yet? We've fucked around with so many other things, gene splicing plants, teaching computers to make "art" but we haven't figured out how to make the snow stay in the mountains and the rain come to drought areas. We haven't figured out how to keep town streets ice free (though there is a town in Michigan that has, seriously, they heat the downtown streets, it's kind of amazing) and how to keep the ski areas cranking. 

Why haven't we done that?

Oh and teleporting. I'd like someone to start on that as well. 

Or if you just worked on one I would say teleporting. I could teleport to my appointments and then not worry about if it's snowing. That would work.

Get on it, geniuses, I'm counting on you. 

Holding On to the Wagon...

I'm not falling off. I mean it's only the 4th but...

It's weird not having a number in my head I'm reaching toward. Have that nebulous thing going. Write more days than you don't. Okay, but what if I don't? I mean I don't have a goal to hit so what if I don't? Today is Thursday and I've written twice this week (this will be three) and I don't really have anything to say. I mean I don't want to talk about the news right now because it's all either way more complicated than people want to admit or just really icky depending on which stories you are following. Even the more complicated one is icky, really. 

So there is nothing to say. But I want to write more days than I don't, and I will be busy tomorrow so probably won't write and I need to work on a piece for Dana if I do sit down to write so that would be three days with no blog and that's kind of against the whole just do the things vibe I was going for. 

But again, what if I don't? It's not like there is a January number I'm aiming for. Or a 2024 number. So...

And books. I mean I've read two already and I'm reading two right now and I have 9 on hold so I should really put a push on to get through those because...I mean...because I have them. And I like to read but what if I don't? What if I just skip it for a few days. I mean, I don't have a number I'm trying to get to this month. Or a genre I need to pick up. So what if I just sat and stared at the wall instead?

It's weird is all. 

I'm so used to setting up numbers and having the first part of the year being staring at them thinking it's impossible and there is no way I should have set them so high but chunking along anyway. And my, not a goal, it's not a goal. My...ummm...experiment for this year is to see how I do without those numbers. What falls out? What do I just automatically do because I like to do it? And what happens if the answer is nothing? What if what I really like to do is absolutely nothing? 

And full disclosure, I'm really restless right now because I did something to my arm on Monday or Tuesday that made it super angry and so I've been doing a whole lot of nothing at all for the past few days. Just resting my arm. The house really needs to be cleaned. Like desperately. Dusting and vacuuming and getting it ready for company to sleep on the cats beds...I mean the guest beds. And I'm not doing anything that involves moving my elbow. 

So it feels like everything is spiralling into me joining the couch as one being but that's not really what's going on. What's happening is it's the 4th of January. My arm hurts. And I'm figuring out what this year looks like. And if it includes rehabbing that arm FOR FUCKING EVER. Or up to a year like the physical therapist said it might take. 

Yeah, a year. The whole reason I got the injection was to avoid that crazy long recovery. (It can actually take up to two!) but when he discovered the tear instead of just a strain it reset the recovery clock and pushed it back into the insane amount of time. And as I mentioned earlier if I'm not really careful it lets me know and I have to stop doing anything at all. But I still haven't really adjusted my mindset from get the injection and be better in 12 weeks instead of 18 months to oh no, just kidding get the injection and be better next year some time. 

So I'm not falling off the wagon. I'm really not. But I'm a little antsy that the wagon is leaving me behind while I sit on the bench watching it go...

But it's only the 4th. And it's fine. Really. 

The Search...

I've been out twice to look at houses for Katie. Patty has done a really good job of collecting options for her. I'm actually really pleased that there are some decent choices in there for her price range. That's a big part of what I was worried about. The housing market up here is insane and I know how hard it was for us to find things. Not just houses, but any that we would consider. 

It's been interesting. We go look and take notes and take some pictures for her to add to what the real estate listings have. Then I send her the photos and she calls and we go over my notes. There were a couple that my notes were, "no. this is just no." and a couple that "I think this is a no, but here are my notes and you make the call." for the most part my no has been enough for her to pass, there are two that she still wants to take a look at even though I don't think they will work for her.

Which, I think, is actually a good idea. I don't want her to think about the house that got away. The one that she is pretty sure is great but she didn't ever look at. Because sometimes the photos really do look great. Or the location looks great. Or the idea of it looks great. And until you see it for yourself you just don't believe it's not great. I've had Patty show me a few houses in all of our times looking that she was like, "You are not going to like this" and I've been like, "Yeah, but maybe I will." 

Not surprisingly Patty has been right. 

It's almost like she's a professional.

But Mastenbrook women are show me people so Katie needing or wanting to see them isn't surprising.

And honestly seeing some of them that aren't quite right will help her see why the others are pretty good. Sometimes it takes seeing what doesn't work to really understand what does.

Kind of like dating. But with houses you jump to marriage really fast. 

It will be interesting to see if she agrees with my ranked choices or if she hates all of them and wants to start all over again. Which would make her my child for sure. Poor, Patty...

Anyway she and the other girls are coming up this weekend to look at the narrowed down list and possibly a few more, depending on what comes available and what happens while they are looking. But probably just covering the handful of prescreened places. We will see if one of them is the one. I know the one I would choose if I were her. 

Either way we get to see her this weekend so that's nice. Even if we are strictly functioning as a hotel space this time around. Brent and I have plans Friday and Saturday night and they will be tapped after looking at houses on Saturday so won't be joining up. At least the cats will have company. 

Think safe drive thoughts for them as they head up here and then back on Sunday as well as happy house hunting thoughts. 

Fingers crossed it all goes well!

2024 in the Door!

Here is the space where I am normally laying out my numbers for the year. Write this many, read this many, do this project, take these pictures. I've been doing it for so long that even though I've told Brent probably 8 times that I'm not doing goals this year he is surprised every time I mention it. 

But by this point I've culled my lists and my goals to just the core of what I want to do anyway. The things that keep me happy and healthy both physically and mentally. I've changed weight goals to fitness goals. I've made sure that reading is on the list so I don't feel like I'm "wasting" my time when I'm reading. Like there is some chore that I could be doing but I'm choosing to read instead. Oh I'm not lazy, I have a goal to reach. But I think I've finally be able to flip that switch to it's okay that I'm reading. I'll get to the chores, or I won't, but it's okay. 

I enjoyed writing more last year. Which I always say I'm going to and then don't, but with that really high goal number I forced my hand. I'm hoping since I saw that it really did keep my head clear and gave me a lot of fiction, which I enjoy, I'm hoping that I remember that feeling and just continue on that path. Sit down and write more days than I don't. I'm also still doing the exchange with Dana this year, but that's not my goal it's hers.

But I'm also hoping that without hard numbers hanging over my head I feel a little more free to wander. Read something again, or something off the list. Don't worry about the fiction/nonfiction balance, if you want to write all fiction one week, go ahead, if you want to write all nonfiction, that's cool too. Do a puzzle. Color. Take a walk that doesn't count toward a workout badge. Sit and be. 

And that be? That's the year. I want it to be a year of being instead of just doing. 

Who am I at my core? Be that person. 

I talk about reading my on this day posts and one of the things that strikes me quite often is how I've hardened up over the past decade. I'm still pretty optimistic, I'm still pretty happy, I'm still more prone to sunshine and rainbows than not, but...That cynical side of me has come more and more to the forefront again. And with the ugly political season ahead of us I can see that that could become all of me. Passion and righteous anger are good things. Cynicism is not. Once cynicism wins you stop believing that anything can change. 

Cynicism is the loss of hope. 

I am not ready to lose hope. 

So part of my year is going to be disconnecting a little more from the daily news. I'll follow a handful of writers who I think do a good job of relating the day's news without it become "and another fucking thing." I'll be clear in my intentions and try not to let people who don't understand the rule of lesser evil bring me down. 

I know who I want to be, I need to make sure I'm feeding that part and not the cynic. 

This also started in my head around my birthday so if Fall rolls around and I hate it, if I feel unmoored instead of steady then I'll change things. Go back to my numbers and my stars. That could just be who I am. That it's not just the being, it's the doing, and the checking off those boxes. 

Which wouldn't surprise Brent at all.