It was the Harvest Moon last night.
I thought of you.
I thought about that summer.
Is anything as magical as a summer romance when you are a teenager?
Will you ever feel anything as deeply again as you did at 16?
We had no expectations. We'd never been there before.
We had no calluses. We'd never been hurt before.
I remember sitting down by the lake. Making wishes and skipping stones.
I remember kissing under the stars. Making promises we didn't know we couldn't keep.
My mother warned me. She said that changes would come.
Your father warned you. He said we weren't your kind.
But we were 16. We knew better.
The days were long. The nights perfect.
We were innocent then. We didn't know.
My mother told me it was time to stop.
Your father told you that you were going to leave.
They didn't let you say goodbye.
Would that have made a difference?
If you had been able to say goodbye?
But they didn't let you.
So we made a secret plan to meet one last time.
Furtive phone calls made in hushed whispers.
We would sneak out to the lake. Late September.
We were in love after all.
My mother warned me.
Your father thought you were past it.
Over me.
Moved on.
It was a beautiful Fall day.
The leaves on the trees were gold and red and orange.
The sky was the deepest blue.
The lake was a giant mirror reflecting the world to us.
It was perfect.
We were perfect.
My mother was frantic.
Your father thought you were at football practice.
The sun was setting on our last day.
Our goodbye.
The Harvest Moon rose.
My mother was right. Changes would come.
Your father was right. We weren't your type.
You promised me your heart that day.
I ate it by the lake in the bright light of the full moon.
We were 16. We knew better.
Tuesday, September 25, 2018
Well...
I did something today I haven't done in the ten plus years I have been on Facebook.
Something I hadn't even ever thought about doing until today.
I looked up my attempted rapist.
There were five people with his name that showed in the little thumbnails. I was on my phone so they were really small pictures. And his was even smaller because it was a shot of his family. I still knew it was his instantly.
I clicked through and got his page.
And my first thought was, "He grew up ugly."
Petty I know. But I get to be petty about the guy who tried to rape me.
Then I looked at his actual page for a minute. At what he shared publicly. And you know what? He grew up ugly. And that brought me a little bit of satisfaction.
I don't know how I would have dealt with him growing up to be a good guy. Someone who posts helpful things. Who, even if he had different political ideologies than I do, posted about ideas and thoughts. I don't know how that would have made me feel.
But he didn't. He grew up ugly. That borderline racist where anyone on the other side can see it as racism and people on that side are like, "What? How is this racist?" The overt misogyny of ugly Hillary memes. He grew up ugly.
Because he was ugly. And he still is ugly.
He might not be rapey anymore, and I hope to whatever higher being you want to believe in, that he isn't. That somewhere along the line he realized that rape was wrong and he stopped. But he's still ugly. He's still not someone I would ever want to deal with on a daily basis. He is still ugly.
But he's small.
He lives a small life. In a small town. With small things.
He can't touch me.
Ever.
We grew up with the same kids and we have zero friends in common.
Isn't that odd?
Not really.
Because he's ugly.
The past week has led to a lot of insomnia. A lot of nightmares. A lot of borderline blah. A lot of anger.
I have said and I will keep saying that we don't know what happened between Dr. Ford and Kavanaugh. But we do know that she has been treated like a liar. Like a woman out to ruin a good man. We know that his buddy ran for the hills after sending a note to Congress that he didn't want to talk about it. That he didn't have anything to add, that he didn't think it happened. Even though he literally wrote the book (books, there were two) on his blackout drinking in High School and his good buddy Bart O'Kavanaugh who drank A LOT with him. We know that Kavanaugh has been less than forthcoming with dealing with Congress in the past. We know that he had a lot of loans that got paid off and that there has been talk about gambling issues. We know that prominent Senators have stated that they already know how they are voting and it doesn't matter what Dr. Ford says. We know that the White House will not have the FBI investigate. Even though an FBI investigation would most likely come back inconclusive so it wouldn't even hurt their case. But they won't.
We don't know what happened. But we know that they don't care.
He's going to sit on the court.
My attempted rapist can't touch me. Can't hurt me. I needed the reassurance of that again today. Thirty five years later.
I cannot imagine what Dr. Ford is feeling right now.
Or maybe I can.
He grew up ugly.
Something I hadn't even ever thought about doing until today.
I looked up my attempted rapist.
There were five people with his name that showed in the little thumbnails. I was on my phone so they were really small pictures. And his was even smaller because it was a shot of his family. I still knew it was his instantly.
I clicked through and got his page.
And my first thought was, "He grew up ugly."
Petty I know. But I get to be petty about the guy who tried to rape me.
Then I looked at his actual page for a minute. At what he shared publicly. And you know what? He grew up ugly. And that brought me a little bit of satisfaction.
I don't know how I would have dealt with him growing up to be a good guy. Someone who posts helpful things. Who, even if he had different political ideologies than I do, posted about ideas and thoughts. I don't know how that would have made me feel.
But he didn't. He grew up ugly. That borderline racist where anyone on the other side can see it as racism and people on that side are like, "What? How is this racist?" The overt misogyny of ugly Hillary memes. He grew up ugly.
Because he was ugly. And he still is ugly.
He might not be rapey anymore, and I hope to whatever higher being you want to believe in, that he isn't. That somewhere along the line he realized that rape was wrong and he stopped. But he's still ugly. He's still not someone I would ever want to deal with on a daily basis. He is still ugly.
But he's small.
He lives a small life. In a small town. With small things.
He can't touch me.
Ever.
We grew up with the same kids and we have zero friends in common.
Isn't that odd?
Not really.
Because he's ugly.
The past week has led to a lot of insomnia. A lot of nightmares. A lot of borderline blah. A lot of anger.
I have said and I will keep saying that we don't know what happened between Dr. Ford and Kavanaugh. But we do know that she has been treated like a liar. Like a woman out to ruin a good man. We know that his buddy ran for the hills after sending a note to Congress that he didn't want to talk about it. That he didn't have anything to add, that he didn't think it happened. Even though he literally wrote the book (books, there were two) on his blackout drinking in High School and his good buddy Bart O'Kavanaugh who drank A LOT with him. We know that Kavanaugh has been less than forthcoming with dealing with Congress in the past. We know that he had a lot of loans that got paid off and that there has been talk about gambling issues. We know that prominent Senators have stated that they already know how they are voting and it doesn't matter what Dr. Ford says. We know that the White House will not have the FBI investigate. Even though an FBI investigation would most likely come back inconclusive so it wouldn't even hurt their case. But they won't.
We don't know what happened. But we know that they don't care.
He's going to sit on the court.
My attempted rapist can't touch me. Can't hurt me. I needed the reassurance of that again today. Thirty five years later.
I cannot imagine what Dr. Ford is feeling right now.
Or maybe I can.
He grew up ugly.
Friday, September 21, 2018
Shut the...
..fuck up.
Seriously. A lot of people right now just need to shut the fuck up.
"She doesn't remember the date."
"She doesn't remember who threw the party."
"She waited too long."
"He's a really nice guy."
"He denies being at the party."
"Think of what he has to explain to his family."
"Of course she should be heard but..."
"If it's credible we can delay the hearings."
*sigh*
Things I don't remember:
The date.
The type of car he drove.
Where we went after church that day.
Who was at youth group or at where ever we went after church.
What color shirt he was wearing.
What color shirt I was wearing.
How I got the car door open.
Things I do remember:
The smell of his breath.
The feeling of him tugging at my jeans.
The asphalt in my palms from where I fell out of the car.
The sound of his vomit hitting the road.
The sick feeling in my stomach when I realized he was right and nobody would ever believe me.
So shut the fuck up about what she should OBVIOUSLY remember.
Things that are making me cringe now.
The whole "if it's credible we can delay the hearings." This is a two-fer. First off, what we've already heard is credible. From someone who had a similar experience, not exact, I knew my attacker much better (here is where I wrote about it) I can tell you that the feeling it invoked in me reading it made it credible. I don't know if it actually happened, but it's not a crazy whacked out story. So we're already at credible. But it's the second part that is making me so fucking mad I can spit. Delay the hearings. Not get a different nominee. Not say, yeah no, you aren't really okay for the court. But delay the hearings and seat his ass anyway.
There is also this same double fucking standard that we see all the goddamn time. Somehow she, at 15, should have been in control enough to have this happen to her and then have the strength to go to the police and report an attempted rape and she should have stood up to him and she should have...she should have...she should have. While we get the same people saying it was just roughhousing from him. That boys will be boys that how in the world are we supposed to hold a 53 year old man responsible for what he did at 17. But SHE...well she should have...
Not all men try to rape someone when they are teenagers. Even if, EVEN IF, you want to talk about boys trying to go a little further, push a boundary line a little, EVEN IF you think that's okay, putting your hand over someone's mouth when they try to scream is NEVER a normal dating thing. So if you want to say that what she says happened might have happened but it's not a big deal you are saying that trying to rape someone is just not that significant. So shut the fuck up.
Of course we want to hear her testimony against this wonderful human being who we cannot imagine could have ever done such a thing.
Oh well...yeah...this is going to be a fair and impartial hearing isn't it?
I will tell you right now I could not sit and be impartial for this. I couldn't. I don't know what happened. But I'm inclined to believe someone who has a story close to mine. So when I see a group of men say things like, "She must be mixed up." I don't see an impartial hearing either.
It's all political.
Maybe. Maybe it is. But sometimes even when you know it's a political set up there is enough doubt there that you have to let someone go and replace them. Have him call Al Franken and ask how you deal with the anger when you know you've been sacrificed at that particular altar.
Trump tweeted today that if the attack was that bad she would have gone to the police.
Do you know who I told when it happened? Nobody.
Do you know when I told my parents? Never.
Do you know how long I kept it to myself? Years.
Do you know how many people I've said his name to? Three.
So shut the fuck up about what you think she would have done. You don't know.
And here is my last one (maybe not last, I might have more, I'm ranting, there is often ONE MORE THING after the last thing)....
He says that he wasn't at that party.
She doesn't remember what party it was.
Isn't this the part where your guilt is realized because how do you know you weren't at THAT party when she hasn't said what party it is? Unless he's saying he never went to a party in highschool so he couldn't have been at THAT party. But that's not what he's saying, right? He wasn't at that party. Which party was that?
The boy who attempted to rape me told me no one would believe me. That if I said anything he would tell everyone it was my fault. I believed him then. It's a fucking shame that he's still right.
Kavanaugh has already proven to be less than forthcoming in testimony before Congress (isn't it amazing the euphemisms we have for lying these days?) why should we believe him over her in this case?
She tried to do the right thing. To give information she felt was important to know to the proper people in the only way she had of doing it. She's gotten death threats. She's being dragged through the mud. She's been doxed.
So you want to talk about what she should have done if what she is saying is true? I have one thing for you. If what she's saying is true HE should have kept his fucking hands to himself. And you should shut the fuck up.
Seriously. A lot of people right now just need to shut the fuck up.
"She doesn't remember the date."
"She doesn't remember who threw the party."
"She waited too long."
"He's a really nice guy."
"He denies being at the party."
"Think of what he has to explain to his family."
"Of course she should be heard but..."
"If it's credible we can delay the hearings."
*sigh*
Things I don't remember:
The date.
The type of car he drove.
Where we went after church that day.
Who was at youth group or at where ever we went after church.
What color shirt he was wearing.
What color shirt I was wearing.
How I got the car door open.
Things I do remember:
The smell of his breath.
The feeling of him tugging at my jeans.
The asphalt in my palms from where I fell out of the car.
The sound of his vomit hitting the road.
The sick feeling in my stomach when I realized he was right and nobody would ever believe me.
So shut the fuck up about what she should OBVIOUSLY remember.
Things that are making me cringe now.
The whole "if it's credible we can delay the hearings." This is a two-fer. First off, what we've already heard is credible. From someone who had a similar experience, not exact, I knew my attacker much better (here is where I wrote about it) I can tell you that the feeling it invoked in me reading it made it credible. I don't know if it actually happened, but it's not a crazy whacked out story. So we're already at credible. But it's the second part that is making me so fucking mad I can spit. Delay the hearings. Not get a different nominee. Not say, yeah no, you aren't really okay for the court. But delay the hearings and seat his ass anyway.
There is also this same double fucking standard that we see all the goddamn time. Somehow she, at 15, should have been in control enough to have this happen to her and then have the strength to go to the police and report an attempted rape and she should have stood up to him and she should have...she should have...she should have. While we get the same people saying it was just roughhousing from him. That boys will be boys that how in the world are we supposed to hold a 53 year old man responsible for what he did at 17. But SHE...well she should have...
Not all men try to rape someone when they are teenagers. Even if, EVEN IF, you want to talk about boys trying to go a little further, push a boundary line a little, EVEN IF you think that's okay, putting your hand over someone's mouth when they try to scream is NEVER a normal dating thing. So if you want to say that what she says happened might have happened but it's not a big deal you are saying that trying to rape someone is just not that significant. So shut the fuck up.
Of course we want to hear her testimony against this wonderful human being who we cannot imagine could have ever done such a thing.
Oh well...yeah...this is going to be a fair and impartial hearing isn't it?
I will tell you right now I could not sit and be impartial for this. I couldn't. I don't know what happened. But I'm inclined to believe someone who has a story close to mine. So when I see a group of men say things like, "She must be mixed up." I don't see an impartial hearing either.
It's all political.
Maybe. Maybe it is. But sometimes even when you know it's a political set up there is enough doubt there that you have to let someone go and replace them. Have him call Al Franken and ask how you deal with the anger when you know you've been sacrificed at that particular altar.
Trump tweeted today that if the attack was that bad she would have gone to the police.
Do you know who I told when it happened? Nobody.
Do you know when I told my parents? Never.
Do you know how long I kept it to myself? Years.
Do you know how many people I've said his name to? Three.
So shut the fuck up about what you think she would have done. You don't know.
And here is my last one (maybe not last, I might have more, I'm ranting, there is often ONE MORE THING after the last thing)....
He says that he wasn't at that party.
She doesn't remember what party it was.
Isn't this the part where your guilt is realized because how do you know you weren't at THAT party when she hasn't said what party it is? Unless he's saying he never went to a party in highschool so he couldn't have been at THAT party. But that's not what he's saying, right? He wasn't at that party. Which party was that?
The boy who attempted to rape me told me no one would believe me. That if I said anything he would tell everyone it was my fault. I believed him then. It's a fucking shame that he's still right.
Kavanaugh has already proven to be less than forthcoming in testimony before Congress (isn't it amazing the euphemisms we have for lying these days?) why should we believe him over her in this case?
She tried to do the right thing. To give information she felt was important to know to the proper people in the only way she had of doing it. She's gotten death threats. She's being dragged through the mud. She's been doxed.
So you want to talk about what she should have done if what she is saying is true? I have one thing for you. If what she's saying is true HE should have kept his fucking hands to himself. And you should shut the fuck up.
Thursday, September 20, 2018
Immunized...
Sandra winced a little as she reached for the salt.
"Are you okay?" Ginger asked.
"Yeah, shoulder's just a little sore. I got my flu shot today."
Ginger shook her head, "I just don't know how you trust the government to put shit in your body like that."
Sandra smiled a little, "I'm not really worried about the government, I'm more worried about the flu."
"You couldn't pay me to let them do that. There is no telling what they might do."
Sandra leaned close to Ginger and whispered, "So how do you trust them enough not to get the shot?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean I get the flu shot every year. I'm pre-checked at the airport for TSA. I always answer my census questions on time. I register my appliances online for fuck's sake. I'm well documented."
"Yes, and? So you're crazy enough to think the government won't abuse all of that information. That's your problem."
"Or that's my insurance. If you're right and the government is out to get us all, and at some point in time they are going to turn on us all, who do you think is safe?"
"Me."
"Really? You? The noncompliant? Don't you think they are more likely to release that germ warfare you are worried about and those of us who are good little citizens and get our flu shots will be protected? And when they send the soldiers in the middle of the night are they coming to my house? The one with the government registry all up to date and current? I don't think so. I'm obviously a good drone who does what she should so I'm not worried. But you? Well...."
Ginger sat back. "I hadn't thought about that. So what you are saying is by doing what they tell you to do you are actually protecting yourself from them?"
Sandra nodded. "Yep. You have to be trickier than they are. You have to think bigger. You know they are."
"Hunh...that's a good point. I'd never thought of that."
"It's up to you on how you live your life, but me? I'm going to do what I need to to protect myself."
Sandra leaned back and gave what she hoped was a knowing smile. She could see the gears turning in Ginger's head. This might just work after all. The health drive contest at work was trying for 100% immunized in each department and Ginger was going to be their hold out. They might just win that new coffee maker yet.
You had to be trickier than they were. She wasn't lying about that.
"Are you okay?" Ginger asked.
"Yeah, shoulder's just a little sore. I got my flu shot today."
Ginger shook her head, "I just don't know how you trust the government to put shit in your body like that."
Sandra smiled a little, "I'm not really worried about the government, I'm more worried about the flu."
"You couldn't pay me to let them do that. There is no telling what they might do."
Sandra leaned close to Ginger and whispered, "So how do you trust them enough not to get the shot?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean I get the flu shot every year. I'm pre-checked at the airport for TSA. I always answer my census questions on time. I register my appliances online for fuck's sake. I'm well documented."
"Yes, and? So you're crazy enough to think the government won't abuse all of that information. That's your problem."
"Or that's my insurance. If you're right and the government is out to get us all, and at some point in time they are going to turn on us all, who do you think is safe?"
"Me."
"Really? You? The noncompliant? Don't you think they are more likely to release that germ warfare you are worried about and those of us who are good little citizens and get our flu shots will be protected? And when they send the soldiers in the middle of the night are they coming to my house? The one with the government registry all up to date and current? I don't think so. I'm obviously a good drone who does what she should so I'm not worried. But you? Well...."
Ginger sat back. "I hadn't thought about that. So what you are saying is by doing what they tell you to do you are actually protecting yourself from them?"
Sandra nodded. "Yep. You have to be trickier than they are. You have to think bigger. You know they are."
"Hunh...that's a good point. I'd never thought of that."
"It's up to you on how you live your life, but me? I'm going to do what I need to to protect myself."
Sandra leaned back and gave what she hoped was a knowing smile. She could see the gears turning in Ginger's head. This might just work after all. The health drive contest at work was trying for 100% immunized in each department and Ginger was going to be their hold out. They might just win that new coffee maker yet.
You had to be trickier than they were. She wasn't lying about that.
Monday, September 17, 2018
Well That Escalated Quickly...
Reading past blogs and "On This Day" posts and seeing my warning bells clanging about the disappearing middle ground and the divisiness in the country has been really depressing me lately.
I could see it happening. I kept talking about it. And it kept happening. And it's worse now than it was when I first started talking about it. And I'm sure I was talking about it long before I was ever on Facebook. Back when I thought it was bad.
Some of the posts reminded me of the joke where I wish I was as fat now and I was the first time I thought I was fat.
I wish we were divided as much now as we were the first time I thought we were divided.
Because it's crazy.
There was a post in my "on this day" where I talked about Sarah Palin and the hypocrisy of the abstinence only lecture tour when her kids kept having babies out of wedlock. A comment on that (and this was YEARS ago) was that someone liked her just because of how mad she made "the left." I said that was a horrible reason to like someone, how negative, how ridiculous. And now looking back, how prescient.
How many times have you seen that? The liking someone or something just because "the other side" doesn't? And it still really bothers me. That's not a good reason to like someone. You end up liking people like Ted Nugent if you do that.
For another reason, it's lazy. I mean it. I am all about defending your ideas and your reasons with valid arguments and facts. If the only thing you can come up with is you like the taste of liberal tears (an actual thing people say) then you shouldn't be allowed to make decisions.
I saw it as Trump was running for office. The people who wanted to vote for him so he could just blow everything up. I kept trying to stress that WE are the EVERYTHING he was going to be blowing up. But...you know...liberal tears. So I wasn't going to win that argument. And now when I point out that he is blowing up some serious shit, well, they don't want to hear it because obviously anyone who disagrees with them about the president has TDS so la la la...they aren't listening. Winning!
I see it now with people unfriending on Facebook because they cannot have someone around that doesn't believe the exact same things that they do. Now sometimes I get it. There are things that I believe that if you don't I'm not going to keep you around. There are things that if I find out you believe them I am also not going to keep you around. But everything? All of it? That's kind of crazy. How in the world can you defend your beliefs if no one ever challenges them? And why is it bad to have different beliefs? As long as what you believe isn't racist, homophobic, sexist...basically hurtful, then why shouldn't I have someone around who can challenge my thoughts on international trade policies?
And I'm not talking about challenging people's beliefs just to be an asshole either. You don't have to take it upon yourself to play devil's advocate for the world. Don't argue with them if you agree with them, just to argue, that's stupid. But if you actually disagree with someone and can respectfully debate them then go on ahead. But you can also just scroll on past.
And I totally understand how difficult this is to do. Brent had to delete a post the other day because he was making a general "don't be an idiot" statement linked to a news story and a group of his conservative friends took offense at the fact that it was a conservative who was tagged in the headline, even though the article itself had other examples, but who reads articles right? Then I (after much typing and deleting and debating) posted a list of points arguing their self satisfied circle jerk of superiority (because I, you know read the article and listened to the podcast they wanted to say said something it didn't). And well...Brent doesn't care for conflict, wasn't looking for conflict, was disgusted that his post was misinterpreted just for the sake of conflict and deleted it. So yeah, I did not scroll on past. Even though I thought about, because I know that Brent doesn't like conflict, but I couldn't leave it there because it made my jaw clench that nobody was challenging their posts.
But you don't have to challenge everything. You really don't. Even when everything in you is DYING to point out the fact that just LAST week they posted something completely CONTRADICTORY to what they are saying RIGHT now and NOT even seeing the IRONY in that...(hypothetically)
I used to really like to argue and debate. And every once in awhile I would post a reminder that we are more alike than we think and to not let people try to cause divisions where there really aren't. But now? I have a hard time arguing and debating because people aren't interested in ideas anymore, they are just interested in sides.
It makes me sad.
Not sad enough to cry liberal tears though.
Because they like that shit too much.
I could see it happening. I kept talking about it. And it kept happening. And it's worse now than it was when I first started talking about it. And I'm sure I was talking about it long before I was ever on Facebook. Back when I thought it was bad.
Some of the posts reminded me of the joke where I wish I was as fat now and I was the first time I thought I was fat.
I wish we were divided as much now as we were the first time I thought we were divided.
Because it's crazy.
There was a post in my "on this day" where I talked about Sarah Palin and the hypocrisy of the abstinence only lecture tour when her kids kept having babies out of wedlock. A comment on that (and this was YEARS ago) was that someone liked her just because of how mad she made "the left." I said that was a horrible reason to like someone, how negative, how ridiculous. And now looking back, how prescient.
How many times have you seen that? The liking someone or something just because "the other side" doesn't? And it still really bothers me. That's not a good reason to like someone. You end up liking people like Ted Nugent if you do that.
For another reason, it's lazy. I mean it. I am all about defending your ideas and your reasons with valid arguments and facts. If the only thing you can come up with is you like the taste of liberal tears (an actual thing people say) then you shouldn't be allowed to make decisions.
I saw it as Trump was running for office. The people who wanted to vote for him so he could just blow everything up. I kept trying to stress that WE are the EVERYTHING he was going to be blowing up. But...you know...liberal tears. So I wasn't going to win that argument. And now when I point out that he is blowing up some serious shit, well, they don't want to hear it because obviously anyone who disagrees with them about the president has TDS so la la la...they aren't listening. Winning!
I see it now with people unfriending on Facebook because they cannot have someone around that doesn't believe the exact same things that they do. Now sometimes I get it. There are things that I believe that if you don't I'm not going to keep you around. There are things that if I find out you believe them I am also not going to keep you around. But everything? All of it? That's kind of crazy. How in the world can you defend your beliefs if no one ever challenges them? And why is it bad to have different beliefs? As long as what you believe isn't racist, homophobic, sexist...basically hurtful, then why shouldn't I have someone around who can challenge my thoughts on international trade policies?
And I'm not talking about challenging people's beliefs just to be an asshole either. You don't have to take it upon yourself to play devil's advocate for the world. Don't argue with them if you agree with them, just to argue, that's stupid. But if you actually disagree with someone and can respectfully debate them then go on ahead. But you can also just scroll on past.
And I totally understand how difficult this is to do. Brent had to delete a post the other day because he was making a general "don't be an idiot" statement linked to a news story and a group of his conservative friends took offense at the fact that it was a conservative who was tagged in the headline, even though the article itself had other examples, but who reads articles right? Then I (after much typing and deleting and debating) posted a list of points arguing their self satisfied circle jerk of superiority (because I, you know read the article and listened to the podcast they wanted to say said something it didn't). And well...Brent doesn't care for conflict, wasn't looking for conflict, was disgusted that his post was misinterpreted just for the sake of conflict and deleted it. So yeah, I did not scroll on past. Even though I thought about, because I know that Brent doesn't like conflict, but I couldn't leave it there because it made my jaw clench that nobody was challenging their posts.
But you don't have to challenge everything. You really don't. Even when everything in you is DYING to point out the fact that just LAST week they posted something completely CONTRADICTORY to what they are saying RIGHT now and NOT even seeing the IRONY in that...(hypothetically)
I used to really like to argue and debate. And every once in awhile I would post a reminder that we are more alike than we think and to not let people try to cause divisions where there really aren't. But now? I have a hard time arguing and debating because people aren't interested in ideas anymore, they are just interested in sides.
It makes me sad.
Not sad enough to cry liberal tears though.
Because they like that shit too much.
Thursday, September 13, 2018
Too Simple?
I'm working on a theory in my head this morning. Trying to find a reason why Cult 45 still stands by Trump. Why they can't connect the dots to see that he's a bad person. A dishonest person. A person that should not be running the country. And I've decided that it's too simple. The reasons to dislike him that is.
See, if you give someone a complex narrative about why the Clinton's are actually criminal masterminds who kill everyone who stands in their way they believe it. Even if you question them about things like, "If you believe Bill Clinton will kill someone who could cause trouble for him politically AND you believe that Bill Clinton is a rapist why did he let Juanita Broaddrick live?" Or "If you believe that Bill Clinton flashed his dick at Paula Jones, why did he bother to put a disguise on his penis (she said he had certain identifiable marks that he did not actually have so obvi he disguised his dick) but not bother to then have her killed so she would be quiet about it all?" If they are murdering people willy nilly then why don't they murder the people who actually could cause them damage?
Then there are birther and truther and flat earthers. They can believe that Obama's family was so prepared to have him run for president in the future that they published a fake birth announcement in the Hawaiian papers when he was born AND got a fake copy of his birth certificate put on file with the state AND everyone involved has been able to keep a secret about it. Truthers the same thing, there is a vast government and civilian cover-up about a controlled detonation that somehow simultaneously certain "bigwigs" knew all about it so they stayed home from work that day and yet never said a word to anyone else. Massive amounts of coverup and secrecy. Flat earthers, same thing. Massive coverup and secrecy among not just our government but the WHOLE world.
It has to be complicated for people to believe it.
When Trump Jr. says on television that they get most of their funding from Russia, that's not proof of anything.
When Trump says that Russia was for sure on his mind when he fired Comey that doesn't mean anything.
When Trump berates our own federal agencies, tries to bully his own AG, calls any news he doesn't agree with fake...well none of that means anything.
When he doesn't release his tax returns. He's not hiding anything.
When he says he had never even heard of the women he paid off, until the tapes are released, then he says, NO COLLUSION!
All of these things are too simple. Too in your face.
Very fine people on both sides. (But he wasn't saying the neo-Nazis were good people, even though they were the people on one side)
Donald J. Trump is calling for a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States...(but it's not a Muslim ban)
They discount them because if it really is that simple, if he really is a bad guy, then they have to start asking themselves why they voted for him, and well, maybe that's too simple as well.
Would it be easier for you if you believed that the Russians worked on a multi-layered approach to influencing the election? That through a strategic release of negative stories about Clinton that were shared, retweeted and promoted by a series of bots and fake accounts that pretended to be Americans but were really Russians they created a movement. That they then created groups and fronts representing different angles to get Americans to fight against each other and used our own divides on things like race and class to drum up more discord? That you thought what you were seeing was the truth when in fact it was actual fake news? That you acted on information given you, but it was fake information? False fronts. Fake accounts. Seeds of discontent sown.
Would that be easier?
Or because it's all out there now is that too simple?
He tells you who he is every day. Why you don't listen is really confusing to me.
See, if you give someone a complex narrative about why the Clinton's are actually criminal masterminds who kill everyone who stands in their way they believe it. Even if you question them about things like, "If you believe Bill Clinton will kill someone who could cause trouble for him politically AND you believe that Bill Clinton is a rapist why did he let Juanita Broaddrick live?" Or "If you believe that Bill Clinton flashed his dick at Paula Jones, why did he bother to put a disguise on his penis (she said he had certain identifiable marks that he did not actually have so obvi he disguised his dick) but not bother to then have her killed so she would be quiet about it all?" If they are murdering people willy nilly then why don't they murder the people who actually could cause them damage?
Then there are birther and truther and flat earthers. They can believe that Obama's family was so prepared to have him run for president in the future that they published a fake birth announcement in the Hawaiian papers when he was born AND got a fake copy of his birth certificate put on file with the state AND everyone involved has been able to keep a secret about it. Truthers the same thing, there is a vast government and civilian cover-up about a controlled detonation that somehow simultaneously certain "bigwigs" knew all about it so they stayed home from work that day and yet never said a word to anyone else. Massive amounts of coverup and secrecy. Flat earthers, same thing. Massive coverup and secrecy among not just our government but the WHOLE world.
It has to be complicated for people to believe it.
When Trump Jr. says on television that they get most of their funding from Russia, that's not proof of anything.
When Trump says that Russia was for sure on his mind when he fired Comey that doesn't mean anything.
When Trump berates our own federal agencies, tries to bully his own AG, calls any news he doesn't agree with fake...well none of that means anything.
When he doesn't release his tax returns. He's not hiding anything.
When he says he had never even heard of the women he paid off, until the tapes are released, then he says, NO COLLUSION!
All of these things are too simple. Too in your face.
Very fine people on both sides. (But he wasn't saying the neo-Nazis were good people, even though they were the people on one side)
Donald J. Trump is calling for a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States...(but it's not a Muslim ban)
They discount them because if it really is that simple, if he really is a bad guy, then they have to start asking themselves why they voted for him, and well, maybe that's too simple as well.
Would it be easier for you if you believed that the Russians worked on a multi-layered approach to influencing the election? That through a strategic release of negative stories about Clinton that were shared, retweeted and promoted by a series of bots and fake accounts that pretended to be Americans but were really Russians they created a movement. That they then created groups and fronts representing different angles to get Americans to fight against each other and used our own divides on things like race and class to drum up more discord? That you thought what you were seeing was the truth when in fact it was actual fake news? That you acted on information given you, but it was fake information? False fronts. Fake accounts. Seeds of discontent sown.
Would that be easier?
Or because it's all out there now is that too simple?
He tells you who he is every day. Why you don't listen is really confusing to me.
Monday, September 10, 2018
Why Is This Still a Thing?
Reading my on this day posts from 2 years ago and it's all about the outrage over Kaepernick kneeling.
Next year I will have those posts PLUS outrage over Nike using him in their latest ad campaigns.
AND I still have friends who don't know why he is kneeling.
Who want to argue with me about why he is kneeling.
Even though he (and those that protested with him) are on record REPEATEDLY saying why they are kneeling.
Because those people are more concerned about their outrage than they are about the reason why he kneels.
Why is this still a thing?
Why aren't you listening?
I should put out a few caveats here...
I don't watch much NFL and I don't like Colin Kaepernick. Those things are even sort of tied. He was the quarterback of the 49ers when I was still a HUGE football fan. He was the quarterback when the team last went to the Super Bowl. I still didn't like him. Even then. I didn't make it a secret that I didn't like him either. I thought he was spoiled and self centered. I thought he was a sign of a badly managed team, in the fact that they kept talking about wanting quality character guys and then kept signing guys who beat women, or used drugs, or had DUIIs or kissed their own biceps, didn't give credit to their teammates and wore the hat of another fucking team in the off season.
I never got over my dislike for the management, or mismanagement, of the 49ers and stopped watching them. Then without a team to follow I stopped watching most NFL games. I'll watch a playoff game here or there, I'll loosely follow the Lions to see how they are messing up this year, I'll have the Super Bowl on in the background while I read...but I'm not a NFL fan anymore.
But Colin Kaepernick? Well, I still can't say that I like him. But now I respect him. Now I've seen him do something that wasn't selfish. That wasn't spoiled. That actually was something outside of himself trying to make the world he lives in better.
And that's what he's doing.
He kneels because he wants to call attention to injustice. He donates money to causes to help advance people less fortunate than he is. He sparked a protest and a movement even though it caused him to lose his main job. And stop with the he lost his job because he's not a good enough quarterback. That's nonsense. He lost his job because of the baggage he brought with him. And that's a valid reason why teams might shy away from hiring him. When the president of the United States turns his following against you, that's a lot of pressure. But stop trying to say that wasn't why he lost his job. It makes you look silly.
He kneels because he was told that sitting was disrespectful to members of the military and as he was not protesting the military he knelt instead. It's all out there. It's well documented so stop trying to say it's about the troops or about the flag.
AND even if it was? So fucking what? Are we not allowed to protest military actions? Are we not allowed to say that war is bad? Stop trying to deify the military. We don't need to do that. That's not why they serve. They serve for a lot of reasons but if you get down to the whole basic "protecting our freedom" part of it, protesting is a freedom we have. So they fight for your right to kneel. Stop acting like the people who sign up to fight for our country are so soft they can't handle a little criticism. Trust me they can take it, and a lot more than you can ever imagine. But...
That's not why he kneels.
And can we stop with the bullshit about protesting on the job? They aren't kneeling while they are playing. They are kneeling before they take the field for the game. Patriotic displays are not part of the game or the job. And of course they protest while on camera, it wouldn't do much good to try and call attention to an issue if you aren't getting attention right then, would it? Don't be stupid.
And stop saying that because he has money he has no right to bitch.
THIS ONE MAKES ME CRAZY!
Of course he has a ton of privilege. He was raised in a middle class household. He went to college. He got his dream job. He made a ton of money doing it. He is dripping with privilege. And this is what you are SUPPOSED to do if you have all of those advantages. Help people who don't. Speak for people who don't have a microphone. Make a difference for people who cannot expend any extra energy on anything other than surviving. When you have a lot, you give a lot. That's what makes you a good person. Ignoring people who don't have it as good as you do? That makes you an asshole.
So yeah, I respect his choices a lot more now. He put it on the line. He took a stand, by kneeling. He's trying to make a difference.
And when you try to silence him, when you say that what he is TELLING you he is protesting isn't what it is, but it's something else, then you are just showing that you are part of the problem.
Not listening, not wanting to fix an issue, or to understand why someone else feels it's an issue, not even being willing to engage in another form of thought. You don't have to agree with him, but instead of disregarding the fact that he's telling you it's about social injustice and changing the narrative to something you can pretend to get pissed about, how about you just say, I don't think there is a problem here. I don't think that the police have an issue. I don't think there is a racial component. You can do that. You don't have to agree with him. But to not listen at all? To scream over his quiet protest? That says something totally different.
And yes up there I said pretend to get pissed about. Because I still think the majority of people are pretending to be pissed. I saw A LOT of posts about Nike and sweatshop labor (none of them linking to the current articles about how Nike solved its sweatshop issues), and a LOT of posts about the problems Nike has been having with its corporate culture from people who had never given a shit about such things until last week. Seriously, you're not fooling anyone. You don't care about labor prices, you don't care about corporate culture, you don't care about the guy in the beer line still ordering his beer and not stopping and standing at attention, you don't care about the fact that you don't stand up in your living room when you hear the national anthem. You don't care that they are breaking the flag code every single time they lay the flag out horizontally, or wear a flag, or use the flag for advertising. So yeah, you don't actually care.
And don't even get me started on the people who seem to think the military now has a monopoly on the word sacrifice and that you can only sacrifice all of something if you die...stop it. Just stop it. Sacrifice comes in a lot of shapes and forms, and you can sacrifice all of one thing or another without sacrificing your life.
Stop making up things to be pissed off about.
Why is this still a thing we are doing?
Why aren't you willing to ask why there is still a feeling of racial injustice and imbalance? Instead of being mad at those trying to call attention to a problem why are you working so hard to change the subject?
You can be anti-bad cop and still pro-police.
I've said it a million times by this point.
The people that should be the most upset about bad cops are the good cops. The bad ones make it harder for them to do their jobs. They make it more difficult for them to connect with the communities they are serving. They destroy the trust that needs to be there between the police and the people they protect. I've blogged and status updated about it so many times you all probably quoted that along with me.
And if you can't even get mad about that, then at least shut up about what it isn't about. You think everyone should always stand? Then stand. But stop trying to make it about something that pisses you off instead of something you don't give a shit about. Your righteous indignation is self righteous at best.
Stop letting this still be a thing.
Next year I will have those posts PLUS outrage over Nike using him in their latest ad campaigns.
AND I still have friends who don't know why he is kneeling.
Who want to argue with me about why he is kneeling.
Even though he (and those that protested with him) are on record REPEATEDLY saying why they are kneeling.
Because those people are more concerned about their outrage than they are about the reason why he kneels.
Why is this still a thing?
Why aren't you listening?
I should put out a few caveats here...
I don't watch much NFL and I don't like Colin Kaepernick. Those things are even sort of tied. He was the quarterback of the 49ers when I was still a HUGE football fan. He was the quarterback when the team last went to the Super Bowl. I still didn't like him. Even then. I didn't make it a secret that I didn't like him either. I thought he was spoiled and self centered. I thought he was a sign of a badly managed team, in the fact that they kept talking about wanting quality character guys and then kept signing guys who beat women, or used drugs, or had DUIIs or kissed their own biceps, didn't give credit to their teammates and wore the hat of another fucking team in the off season.
I never got over my dislike for the management, or mismanagement, of the 49ers and stopped watching them. Then without a team to follow I stopped watching most NFL games. I'll watch a playoff game here or there, I'll loosely follow the Lions to see how they are messing up this year, I'll have the Super Bowl on in the background while I read...but I'm not a NFL fan anymore.
But Colin Kaepernick? Well, I still can't say that I like him. But now I respect him. Now I've seen him do something that wasn't selfish. That wasn't spoiled. That actually was something outside of himself trying to make the world he lives in better.
And that's what he's doing.
He kneels because he wants to call attention to injustice. He donates money to causes to help advance people less fortunate than he is. He sparked a protest and a movement even though it caused him to lose his main job. And stop with the he lost his job because he's not a good enough quarterback. That's nonsense. He lost his job because of the baggage he brought with him. And that's a valid reason why teams might shy away from hiring him. When the president of the United States turns his following against you, that's a lot of pressure. But stop trying to say that wasn't why he lost his job. It makes you look silly.
He kneels because he was told that sitting was disrespectful to members of the military and as he was not protesting the military he knelt instead. It's all out there. It's well documented so stop trying to say it's about the troops or about the flag.
AND even if it was? So fucking what? Are we not allowed to protest military actions? Are we not allowed to say that war is bad? Stop trying to deify the military. We don't need to do that. That's not why they serve. They serve for a lot of reasons but if you get down to the whole basic "protecting our freedom" part of it, protesting is a freedom we have. So they fight for your right to kneel. Stop acting like the people who sign up to fight for our country are so soft they can't handle a little criticism. Trust me they can take it, and a lot more than you can ever imagine. But...
That's not why he kneels.
And can we stop with the bullshit about protesting on the job? They aren't kneeling while they are playing. They are kneeling before they take the field for the game. Patriotic displays are not part of the game or the job. And of course they protest while on camera, it wouldn't do much good to try and call attention to an issue if you aren't getting attention right then, would it? Don't be stupid.
And stop saying that because he has money he has no right to bitch.
THIS ONE MAKES ME CRAZY!
Of course he has a ton of privilege. He was raised in a middle class household. He went to college. He got his dream job. He made a ton of money doing it. He is dripping with privilege. And this is what you are SUPPOSED to do if you have all of those advantages. Help people who don't. Speak for people who don't have a microphone. Make a difference for people who cannot expend any extra energy on anything other than surviving. When you have a lot, you give a lot. That's what makes you a good person. Ignoring people who don't have it as good as you do? That makes you an asshole.
So yeah, I respect his choices a lot more now. He put it on the line. He took a stand, by kneeling. He's trying to make a difference.
And when you try to silence him, when you say that what he is TELLING you he is protesting isn't what it is, but it's something else, then you are just showing that you are part of the problem.
Not listening, not wanting to fix an issue, or to understand why someone else feels it's an issue, not even being willing to engage in another form of thought. You don't have to agree with him, but instead of disregarding the fact that he's telling you it's about social injustice and changing the narrative to something you can pretend to get pissed about, how about you just say, I don't think there is a problem here. I don't think that the police have an issue. I don't think there is a racial component. You can do that. You don't have to agree with him. But to not listen at all? To scream over his quiet protest? That says something totally different.
And yes up there I said pretend to get pissed about. Because I still think the majority of people are pretending to be pissed. I saw A LOT of posts about Nike and sweatshop labor (none of them linking to the current articles about how Nike solved its sweatshop issues), and a LOT of posts about the problems Nike has been having with its corporate culture from people who had never given a shit about such things until last week. Seriously, you're not fooling anyone. You don't care about labor prices, you don't care about corporate culture, you don't care about the guy in the beer line still ordering his beer and not stopping and standing at attention, you don't care about the fact that you don't stand up in your living room when you hear the national anthem. You don't care that they are breaking the flag code every single time they lay the flag out horizontally, or wear a flag, or use the flag for advertising. So yeah, you don't actually care.
And don't even get me started on the people who seem to think the military now has a monopoly on the word sacrifice and that you can only sacrifice all of something if you die...stop it. Just stop it. Sacrifice comes in a lot of shapes and forms, and you can sacrifice all of one thing or another without sacrificing your life.
Stop making up things to be pissed off about.
Why is this still a thing we are doing?
Why aren't you willing to ask why there is still a feeling of racial injustice and imbalance? Instead of being mad at those trying to call attention to a problem why are you working so hard to change the subject?
You can be anti-bad cop and still pro-police.
I've said it a million times by this point.
The people that should be the most upset about bad cops are the good cops. The bad ones make it harder for them to do their jobs. They make it more difficult for them to connect with the communities they are serving. They destroy the trust that needs to be there between the police and the people they protect. I've blogged and status updated about it so many times you all probably quoted that along with me.
And if you can't even get mad about that, then at least shut up about what it isn't about. You think everyone should always stand? Then stand. But stop trying to make it about something that pisses you off instead of something you don't give a shit about. Your righteous indignation is self righteous at best.
Stop letting this still be a thing.
Wednesday, September 5, 2018
Do Tell
It was the blush that gave it all away. Everyone has tells. Your
body will give away your secrets every time. Some tells are very small and you
would only notice them if you were looking directly at someone. Did you know
your eyes dilate when you see someone you love? That’s one you have to be
watching for to notice.
Then there are the tells that aren’t really true. People
believe you know someone is lying if they look up and to the right when they
are talking to you. But if they look up and to the left they are telling the
truth. Neither of those is actually true. People tend to look up when they are
trying to remember a word, or a part of a story, it’s almost like they are
looking in to their brains, searching. But it isn’t a lying tell. There isn’t a
universal lying tell. You have to know the individual to know their tell. And
there are tells for everything. Good news. Bad news. Lies. Truth. Your body is
constantly giving away your deepest secrets. The good thing is that most people
don’t notice.
Her mother was a professional poker player. She and her
sisters were raised on learning people’s tells. The clues they gave away
without knowing it. When they were bluffing. When they were holding a perfect
hand. This was important to know when playing poker and they discovered early
on that you could use that same knowledge away from the poker table as well.
The first thing they did when they were younger was figure
out each other’s lying tells. When Julie lied she quickly crossed and uncrossed
the pinkie of her right hand under the ring finger. It was fast. You had to be
watching for it. Almost a twitch. But she literally crossed her fingers when
she lied. Sarah touched her nose. Maybe to see if it was growing? But a
glancing touch. Even when she became aware of it and tried to stop doing it her
hand would lift and then go back down. So you knew she was lying.
Her own tell was
harder to see. She rubbed her toes together. Big toe against the toe next to
it. What would that toe be, the index toe? Why do fingers each get their own
names but not toes? But that was her tell. Very few people had figured it out. If
she had any others nobody had let her know. That was also the secret of tells.
You didn’t want anyone to know that you had figured theirs out. It wouldn’t do
you any good then.
When she had started dating her husband her sister Julie had
been the first one to know she was in love with him. They had gone on a double
date to a dance club. When they sat down at the table after dancing Carl had
reached over and tucked a wayward strand of hair behind her ear, briefly
brushing her cheek when he did. Later that night Julie said, “It’s all over for
you. You love him.” She and Carl hadn’t been dating long enough for that step
to have been made. She told Julie no way, not yet, it was still too soon (her
big toe rubbing against the next one) and Julie said, “When he tucked your hair
back you closed your eyes. You love him.” The closed eyes when he brushed her cheek
had given her away. She had a love tell.
A few months later when she was ready to say the words out
loud she had remembered that night. The feel of his hand brushing her cheek and
her eyes closed again. Yes. She was in love with him. She even loved that she
had discovered his lying tell in what she thought was the best sort of way. She
had asked if he wanted to go to the opera with her and he said, “I love the
opera” then tugged his left earlobe. He did not love the opera. But he had
wanted to seem cultured and did want to spend the time with her.
She was ready to say
the words that Julie had known were true months ago. “I love you.” No toes
rubbing together. His eyes dilated, “I love you too.” No earlobe tug. It had
been a good start to a wonderful life.
She was standing in his office. Remembering that touch.
Remembering those days. Her hand went to
her cheek and she closed her eyes. Smiled. They were heading to Las Vegas for
the weekend to watch her mother compete in a Master’s Tournament. Julie and her
husband were flying out with them and Sarah and her latest girlfriend would meet them
there. She and Julie were excited to
meet the new girl. And to see if Sarah closed her eyes when she touched her. It was beyond time that she settle down.
He was running late. It wasn’t that unusual for him to be
running late. She wasn’t even worried about it just yet. She always baked a
little extra time in to their schedules to make sure they weren’t late. Or at
least she did now. Years of experience had taught her that was best. She
checked her watch again, they were still fine.
A few minutes later Carl and a young woman she hadn’t met
before walked in to the office. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I know I’m late!” He
kissed her on the cheek. “Jim had extra questions for me after the meeting
broke up.” He tugged his ear.
She held out her hand to the woman standing behind him, “Hi,
I’m Emily, you must be Andrea?” The intern looked at Emily then at Carl and
blushed. “Yes, yes. Sorry. I’m Andrea. I’ve heard so much about you. It’s nice to meet you.”
Emily said, “Nice to meet you too.” Her big toe rubbing
against the one next to it.
Tuesday, September 4, 2018
I Like Dogs...
Summer is always the time I think we need a dog. I like dogs. I really do. In a different way than I like cats, but I do like dogs.
And during the summer I think we need a dog. Then the weather turns and I think we are lucky we don't have a dog. It won't happen for a while. Fall is actually prime dog time. Or it used to be. Now we travel a lot during the Fall so I can convince myself that getting a dog, or more cats for that matter, isn't a great idea.
It's the same argument I use for not buying a different house. Not that the rain would be a pain for a house, but that we travel a lot in the Fall and a new house wouldn't work for that. We would have to give up the Michigan football trips or the musical season tickets or the Winterhawks season tickets or all of them if we bought a new house. We spend our money on food and tickets not on a mortgage and I really do like it like that.
But...
I do like dogs.
And I do like houses with woody views.
Or condos in the heart of downtown.
But we leave for Michigan on Thursday and then again in mid-October and then again the first weekend of November...
And then there is Hawaii in February. Or maybe a cruise. Or maybe both at different times.
And then there is breakfast out on the weekends. And green chile cheeseburgers at Killer Burger and the search for the best fried chicken in Portland and...
You have to decide where you spend your money.
Right now we spend our money on food and experiences. Not on our house.
But I do like dogs.
And cats.
And views.
And...
It makes me wonder if it's just the human experience. Do we always have that voice in the back of our heads saying "yeah but...?" I mean I am basically a content and happy person. I like my life. Wait, that's wrong, I love my life. I have a GREAT life. Like I see people listing life goals and it's my life they are describing levels of a great life. But even knowing that I have created a life that suits me to a tee I still have that "yeah but..." voice.
The "yeah but..." voice is probably directly related to my "OH LET'S SET SOME NEW GOALS!" voice. Just quieter. Pretty much all of my voices are quieter than that damn goal setter voice. She's a bit of a loud mouth and constantly gets the rest of us wrapped up in wacky projects when we'd really rather just sit on the couch researching dogs I will never buy.
Brent is supportive of the dog idea. And the cat idea. But he also knows that I am the one who has to take care of said dog and cats. He works for that money I decide how to spend, afterall. So taking care of the pets would fall to me 90% of the time. The walks in the rain. The poop patrol, either out of a box or off of the ground. The vomit clean ups. The vet trips. The walks in the rain. Yeah, I know I already mentioned that, but it does rain here a good bit of the time. He would get the "YOU CAME HOME! I LOVE WHEN YOU COME HOME!" tail wags, but I would have the responsibility. So he is supportive of the idea of getting one, but the final decision is up to me.
Fall is that goal setting, life evaluating time for me. I look at the nooks and crannies and decide what stays and what goes. I am in the process of finishing a few big projects so that's taking most of my NEW GOALS focus, thank goodness. But still...
I like dogs.
And woody views.
And downtown condos.
And thinking of new places and new ideas and what ifs and...
And during the summer I think we need a dog. Then the weather turns and I think we are lucky we don't have a dog. It won't happen for a while. Fall is actually prime dog time. Or it used to be. Now we travel a lot during the Fall so I can convince myself that getting a dog, or more cats for that matter, isn't a great idea.
It's the same argument I use for not buying a different house. Not that the rain would be a pain for a house, but that we travel a lot in the Fall and a new house wouldn't work for that. We would have to give up the Michigan football trips or the musical season tickets or the Winterhawks season tickets or all of them if we bought a new house. We spend our money on food and tickets not on a mortgage and I really do like it like that.
But...
I do like dogs.
And I do like houses with woody views.
Or condos in the heart of downtown.
But we leave for Michigan on Thursday and then again in mid-October and then again the first weekend of November...
And then there is Hawaii in February. Or maybe a cruise. Or maybe both at different times.
And then there is breakfast out on the weekends. And green chile cheeseburgers at Killer Burger and the search for the best fried chicken in Portland and...
You have to decide where you spend your money.
Right now we spend our money on food and experiences. Not on our house.
But I do like dogs.
And cats.
And views.
And...
It makes me wonder if it's just the human experience. Do we always have that voice in the back of our heads saying "yeah but...?" I mean I am basically a content and happy person. I like my life. Wait, that's wrong, I love my life. I have a GREAT life. Like I see people listing life goals and it's my life they are describing levels of a great life. But even knowing that I have created a life that suits me to a tee I still have that "yeah but..." voice.
The "yeah but..." voice is probably directly related to my "OH LET'S SET SOME NEW GOALS!" voice. Just quieter. Pretty much all of my voices are quieter than that damn goal setter voice. She's a bit of a loud mouth and constantly gets the rest of us wrapped up in wacky projects when we'd really rather just sit on the couch researching dogs I will never buy.
Brent is supportive of the dog idea. And the cat idea. But he also knows that I am the one who has to take care of said dog and cats. He works for that money I decide how to spend, afterall. So taking care of the pets would fall to me 90% of the time. The walks in the rain. The poop patrol, either out of a box or off of the ground. The vomit clean ups. The vet trips. The walks in the rain. Yeah, I know I already mentioned that, but it does rain here a good bit of the time. He would get the "YOU CAME HOME! I LOVE WHEN YOU COME HOME!" tail wags, but I would have the responsibility. So he is supportive of the idea of getting one, but the final decision is up to me.
Fall is that goal setting, life evaluating time for me. I look at the nooks and crannies and decide what stays and what goes. I am in the process of finishing a few big projects so that's taking most of my NEW GOALS focus, thank goodness. But still...
I like dogs.
And woody views.
And downtown condos.
And thinking of new places and new ideas and what ifs and...
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