Here we are again...more than half way through the year.
Fitness/Weight! So when I last left you I had just purchased the Fitbit and was adding in a lot more walking to hit those 8000 steps and 3 miles a day. I had lost 2 pounds for the month and I was down about the same for the year. I kept at it this month, my normal 5-6 days at the gym plus an additional 5 days hitting 8000 steps and....I gained almost a pound. So...yeah. I'm done. I mean it. I'll still track until the end of the year because I set it as a goal but I'm done expecting to budge off of this zone. I also hit the day I had put in my planner awhile ago to be honest about my clothes hoard and get rid of anything that didn't fit. No more somedaying this will fit or god forbid this might fit againing. And it all went away. Five full bags. Everything I own fits now. I need to go in for a new bra fitting, just ordered a couple in my normal size and they don't fit so that's obviously changed as well, but then I will have only things that fit. Working out to keep healthy. Eating for health. Not expecting that number to budge.
Reading! Can you believe it? I'm four books behind. I swear I am going to catch up soon! Right? I have to. For the Discworld piece it was The Hogfather which actually worked out really well. It's a Christmas story and so I had Christmas in July.
Writing! Crazy enough, after posting this I will have hit my needed average number for the month to keep on track. So I'll still be four ahead for the year. I was pretty sure I was going to miss that this month but a last minute brain dump caught me back up. Fiction I FINALLY finished that multipart story so that was great. It also kept me ahead for the year. I still need to get one last submission in for the year so I'll focus on that next month. Got the rejection for the last round so that's always a banner day...The goal was submissions not acceptance...blah blah blah woof woof...
MasterClass! I took one on political campaigns by Karl Rove and David Axelrod. Really interesting. You can see who is the democrat and who is the republican even if you didn't know going in. Sometimes stereotypes are there for a reason. Trying to decide if I do Joyce Carol Oates or Penn and Teller next month. I had been going to go with Penn and Teller just for a fun one but Joyce Carol Oates is a master at short stories so I'm not sure I can wait to hear her. I'll decide by morning.
Monthly Museum/Attraction! Brent and I did the Shanghai Tunnels tour in Portland over the Fourth of July. It was super interesting. Not just because all of the stories around Shanghai Tunnels are not true, but that was a big part of it for me. I love finding out that things we were all sure we knew we really didn't know at all!
Long Term! Finally hung the pictures in the basement and I got curtains for the dining room window. Ahhh....
So what's up for next month?
BIRTHDAY MONTH!
Get your cake and compliments ready!
Wednesday, July 31, 2019
My Marianne Williamson Blog...
So I made the comment after the first Democratic Debate in June that the other people on stage had no idea what to make of Marianne Williamson. And then the people at home watching who had never heard of her were like...whaaa?
I knew who she was. I read her first book back in the 90s. I knew about her charity work. I knew about her connection to Oprah. I knew she had a whole big deal company now. So it was kind of amazing to me to see how many people had no idea who she was.
Last night she was, again, the most Googled person on the stage. There are tons of article about her now. And tons of people mocking her. And tons of people mad that she's taking up space on the stage. And..well...
I don't think she should be president. I really don't. But I don't think most of the people running should be president. Including our current president. I think you should have a different skill set than she has to be president. But I'm not mad at her for being on stage. I'm really not mad at her for getting attention to her ideas.
In the 90s, when I read her book, I was on a quest to find a guiding principle in life. I didn't realize it at the time, I just thought I was interested in a lot of ideas. But looking back and I can see that I was lost and searching for something. I was raised in the church. I had a whole set of beliefs and rules built around that. And when I decided that they were wrong, that I didn't believe them, that I was leaving I suddenly found myself unmoored. If I didn't believe that then what did I believe?
And her book, A Return to Love, fell in to my lap at that point in time. I can't tell you a lot of specifics from it, and like I said I was reading a lot of things like that at the time, The Four Agreements, Conversations with God, a few others. By reading those things, at that time, I started to knit together what I believe.
I took the things from the church that I agreed with and I added on. I didn't take everything from every book. But I took what spoke to me. And a lot of what she had to say spoke to me. Kindness is important. Healing our hurts is important. The world needs more love is important.
There is a quote of hers that makes the rounds a lot (though often attributed to others)"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." It's what holds a lot of us back. We think we aren't enough, but maybe we are everything. Then what is our issue? Why aren't we doing everything we want to be doing? Accomplishing everything there is? I remember when I read it that it sat with me for days. Years. Decades.
I molded a lot of what you see from that time period. My own rules of living, and a lot of that came from her ideas.
So I don't think she's a joke. I don't think she's crazy. I don't think she should be mocked. I also don't think she should be president, but I will say that I think we would all do a little better to listen to her, and reflect some of her ideas than to listen to Trump and reflect his.
Denise's Rules for Living a More Loving Life
Practice your first best thought.
That moment when you think I should do this kind thing, do that kind thing.
If you love someone tell them.
It does them no good if you keep it to yourself.
Be kind. Listen to strangers when they want to talk.
You could be the only contact they have all day. Five minutes of your life can make a real difference in theirs.
Understand that not everything is about you.
Sometimes people are having a bad day and you just got caught in the blast zone. Walk away.
Smile more.
It will make you feel better, it will make the people you smile at feel better.
Smile at yourself as well.
Do it. When you see yourself in the mirror give yourself a smile.
Give that compliment.
See other rules around being kind. It really does make someone's day to hear something good about themselves.
There are more, but that's a big chunk of what I took from that time frame. Basically don't be an asshole. Be actively kind instead. Now you all know I am fully capable of being an asshole and I think at times people deserve what they get...but in general? I try. That's my motto. I try.
So discount what you don't believe in what she says, but don't discount everything. There are a lot of good life rules in there. You can try as well.
I knew who she was. I read her first book back in the 90s. I knew about her charity work. I knew about her connection to Oprah. I knew she had a whole big deal company now. So it was kind of amazing to me to see how many people had no idea who she was.
Last night she was, again, the most Googled person on the stage. There are tons of article about her now. And tons of people mocking her. And tons of people mad that she's taking up space on the stage. And..well...
I don't think she should be president. I really don't. But I don't think most of the people running should be president. Including our current president. I think you should have a different skill set than she has to be president. But I'm not mad at her for being on stage. I'm really not mad at her for getting attention to her ideas.
In the 90s, when I read her book, I was on a quest to find a guiding principle in life. I didn't realize it at the time, I just thought I was interested in a lot of ideas. But looking back and I can see that I was lost and searching for something. I was raised in the church. I had a whole set of beliefs and rules built around that. And when I decided that they were wrong, that I didn't believe them, that I was leaving I suddenly found myself unmoored. If I didn't believe that then what did I believe?
And her book, A Return to Love, fell in to my lap at that point in time. I can't tell you a lot of specifics from it, and like I said I was reading a lot of things like that at the time, The Four Agreements, Conversations with God, a few others. By reading those things, at that time, I started to knit together what I believe.
I took the things from the church that I agreed with and I added on. I didn't take everything from every book. But I took what spoke to me. And a lot of what she had to say spoke to me. Kindness is important. Healing our hurts is important. The world needs more love is important.
There is a quote of hers that makes the rounds a lot (though often attributed to others)"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." It's what holds a lot of us back. We think we aren't enough, but maybe we are everything. Then what is our issue? Why aren't we doing everything we want to be doing? Accomplishing everything there is? I remember when I read it that it sat with me for days. Years. Decades.
I molded a lot of what you see from that time period. My own rules of living, and a lot of that came from her ideas.
So I don't think she's a joke. I don't think she's crazy. I don't think she should be mocked. I also don't think she should be president, but I will say that I think we would all do a little better to listen to her, and reflect some of her ideas than to listen to Trump and reflect his.
Denise's Rules for Living a More Loving Life
Practice your first best thought.
That moment when you think I should do this kind thing, do that kind thing.
If you love someone tell them.
It does them no good if you keep it to yourself.
Be kind. Listen to strangers when they want to talk.
You could be the only contact they have all day. Five minutes of your life can make a real difference in theirs.
Understand that not everything is about you.
Sometimes people are having a bad day and you just got caught in the blast zone. Walk away.
Smile more.
It will make you feel better, it will make the people you smile at feel better.
Smile at yourself as well.
Do it. When you see yourself in the mirror give yourself a smile.
Give that compliment.
See other rules around being kind. It really does make someone's day to hear something good about themselves.
There are more, but that's a big chunk of what I took from that time frame. Basically don't be an asshole. Be actively kind instead. Now you all know I am fully capable of being an asshole and I think at times people deserve what they get...but in general? I try. That's my motto. I try.
So discount what you don't believe in what she says, but don't discount everything. There are a lot of good life rules in there. You can try as well.
Tuesday, July 30, 2019
Changes...
Perspective...
In my on this day feed was a post I was tagged in from a friend. His wife was about to make one of her epic Facebook rants that always made me laugh. They were biting and snarky and I loved them. He and I would laugh about the posts.
Until I found out that she wasn't joking.
She wasn't teasing.
He wasn't in on the joke, he was the brunt of it.
They are divorced now and have been for years. He's now married to a woman who makes him happy because she enjoys him for who he is instead of berating him for who he isn't. Sometimes what we think we are seeing isn't what we are seeing at all. Looking back on what she would say I can see it was poison dipped in just enough sugar to try and hide the fact that it was meant to kill.
I made that post two years ago. That post combined with the one from ten years ago where he tagged me in to the upcoming/incoming rant from his then wife still makes me grit my teeth. I'm glad he's in a new relationship now with someone who loves him the way he is. I'm still really sorry that he wasn't originally.
Then it made me start thinking of all of the times we end up in relationships with people who try to make us who they want us to be. Not just love affairs, but friendships as well. Those people who are drawn to you, but more an idea of you than the real you. Of who they think you can become.
It can be done with the best of intentions. I had a friendship in high school with a lovely girl who REALLY wanted me to be more polished. I had all of the good bones of what she thought I could be. I was smart already, (being smart in my high school was actually a plus on the popularity column, we valued intelligence as much as sports ability, and if you were both? Well then..), I was interested in an extracurricular she was and was at the time still a "good" choice, but it shifted the next year and so she dropped it, I never did. But she really wanted to refine me a bit. And I was very rough around the edges, I was probably closer to being all edges, so there was a lot to be done.
I won't say she completely failed. But by September of our sophomore year I was shunned by her targeted group of friends which meant she had to choose. I was not her choice. And I didn't blame her at all. I didn't want what she did (popularity), I didn't want to do the things they all wanted to do, and I wasn't comfortable enough in my own skin just yet to share who I really was so it was easier to push them all away.
In my on this day feed was a post I was tagged in from a friend. His wife was about to make one of her epic Facebook rants that always made me laugh. They were biting and snarky and I loved them. He and I would laugh about the posts.
Until I found out that she wasn't joking.
She wasn't teasing.
He wasn't in on the joke, he was the brunt of it.
They are divorced now and have been for years. He's now married to a woman who makes him happy because she enjoys him for who he is instead of berating him for who he isn't. Sometimes what we think we are seeing isn't what we are seeing at all. Looking back on what she would say I can see it was poison dipped in just enough sugar to try and hide the fact that it was meant to kill.
I made that post two years ago. That post combined with the one from ten years ago where he tagged me in to the upcoming/incoming rant from his then wife still makes me grit my teeth. I'm glad he's in a new relationship now with someone who loves him the way he is. I'm still really sorry that he wasn't originally.
Then it made me start thinking of all of the times we end up in relationships with people who try to make us who they want us to be. Not just love affairs, but friendships as well. Those people who are drawn to you, but more an idea of you than the real you. Of who they think you can become.
It can be done with the best of intentions. I had a friendship in high school with a lovely girl who REALLY wanted me to be more polished. I had all of the good bones of what she thought I could be. I was smart already, (being smart in my high school was actually a plus on the popularity column, we valued intelligence as much as sports ability, and if you were both? Well then..), I was interested in an extracurricular she was and was at the time still a "good" choice, but it shifted the next year and so she dropped it, I never did. But she really wanted to refine me a bit. And I was very rough around the edges, I was probably closer to being all edges, so there was a lot to be done.
I won't say she completely failed. But by September of our sophomore year I was shunned by her targeted group of friends which meant she had to choose. I was not her choice. And I didn't blame her at all. I didn't want what she did (popularity), I didn't want to do the things they all wanted to do, and I wasn't comfortable enough in my own skin just yet to share who I really was so it was easier to push them all away.
So I will say her intentions were good. In the fact that she knew what would make her happy. She liked me. She wanted to bring me along with her on that journey. And she tried, lord knows she tried, to make me an acceptable version of myself to fit in with that group.
But it was doomed to failure. Even when I did, eventually, become enough of myself to say the words, "We're poor" or "I can't afford to do that" and not feel like I was saying, "I'm not worthy" I was still not ever going to want to seek out popularity. Joining, you see. It's not for me. And in high school a large part of popularity is filtered through conformity. And I just couldn't do it. Not and stay sane.
There have been other times in my life where it's been the same. The people who are sure that the choices they are making for you are for your best interests. That if you'd just let them run things you would be a better version of yourself. Maybe you've met them? Overzealous business mentors? Friends who think you should be XYZ thing and here I've signed you up for a class, or bought you these books or I will bring up this job for you another four times since you are clearly not listening to me. And if you could just be a little less like this or like that that would be great.
I've also watched it happen in friend's lives. The new boyfriend or girlfriend who has definite ideas of who you should be to be the best you. And it's some sort of model they have in their own heads. The type of job you should have, the type of people you should be friends with, the number of times you should go out in a week. Sometimes it's really controlling and the red flags go up and everyone steps in to point them out, but sometimes, sometimes it's a little more subtle. Like my friend up there, whose wife would couch it all as "funny" until she just stopped and got mean.
Pay attention to the signs. Pay attention to people who are helping you along in your journey and those that want to change your path to suit them better. Helpers are great. We all need help in life. Manipulators are not. Demanders are not. Svengali is not the hero.
We all need to be more comfortable being ourselves. I reached that point a long time ago and I won't put up with the folks who try to (as my friend Megan says) should on me. You should do this...you should do that... I am who I am (says Popeye) and though I am always striving to be a better version of me, I never want to end up being someone's idea of me.
Who would ever want that?
So, incase you need to hear it today. You are great. You. The striving, the settled, the best, the worst, all of you. You are great. Don't let someone tell you that you aren't.
Pay attention to the signs. Pay attention to people who are helping you along in your journey and those that want to change your path to suit them better. Helpers are great. We all need help in life. Manipulators are not. Demanders are not. Svengali is not the hero.
We all need to be more comfortable being ourselves. I reached that point a long time ago and I won't put up with the folks who try to (as my friend Megan says) should on me. You should do this...you should do that... I am who I am (says Popeye) and though I am always striving to be a better version of me, I never want to end up being someone's idea of me.
Who would ever want that?
So, incase you need to hear it today. You are great. You. The striving, the settled, the best, the worst, all of you. You are great. Don't let someone tell you that you aren't.
Monday, July 29, 2019
Fifteen Minutes...
I'm way behind this month for my blog count. It's a problem because I'm heading into the time of year where I tend to have less time to write. I was hoping to have a big padded number by the end of July and instead I'm going to be dipping in to my meager reserves to stay on pace. Whoops.
So here I sit with fifteen minutes before I need to head out the door again and I am writing. (Imagine me singing I'm writing, I'm writing, I have no ideas but I'm writing, like Elf sings I love you to his father when they meet)
I could write about the fact that I remember when a mass shooting with 3 dead and 12 wounded would be all my newsfeed covered all day. Instead it's barely a blip. But I swore I was done after Sandy Hook. There is no point.
I could write about the fact that the President once again tweeted something vile. But that's so hard to keep up with, I mean I could write about the latest awful thing he said and by the time I posted the blog there would be a different thing out there. There is no point.
I could write about the upcoming Democratic Debates, but I think I'm the only one watching at this point. And really I shouldn't even bother watching either. I mean, it's too many people. But for the handful that I think are going to make it through I really want to see them. And for the others I want to see if they are the future, or maybe cabinet potentials, or please oh please viable Senate candidates. But nobody else is interested in 24 candidates. There is no point.
I could write about cooking this week. But I'm already bored with it and I haven't even really started... I swear it feels like there is no point.
I have a start for a short story, but it's just a start. Two lines really. And I don't think they are going to go anywhere. Say it with me...there is no point.
Seeing the trend here?
I have no point to make that I haven't already tried to make a thousand times.
I have no clear idea of what I want to say that hasn't been said.
I have no story I want to tell.
I'm sort of adrift right now.
Not bad adrift. Don't worry, it's not like a few years ago when I was just lost. It's just adrift right now like, I don't know what I want to do with the rest of the year. Writing wise. Blogwise. I feel like I've said everything I have to say on subjects and I'm not sure if I just keep repackaging them around current events or if I just say, well...that's done.
It's frustrating. I know it will pass, it always does, but it's so frustrating when it's here. Because if I don't write I start to get a little buggy. Or buggier. But if I have nothing so say (see this blog) then I worry that I am treading on your goodwill as a reader. I really do cherish the three of you that read my things. So...today I feel pointless and driftless and talentless and...
Oh yeah, I got the latest rejection for submissions. I bet that has nothing to do with any of this...
And TIME!
Whew...
So here I sit with fifteen minutes before I need to head out the door again and I am writing. (Imagine me singing I'm writing, I'm writing, I have no ideas but I'm writing, like Elf sings I love you to his father when they meet)
I could write about the fact that I remember when a mass shooting with 3 dead and 12 wounded would be all my newsfeed covered all day. Instead it's barely a blip. But I swore I was done after Sandy Hook. There is no point.
I could write about the fact that the President once again tweeted something vile. But that's so hard to keep up with, I mean I could write about the latest awful thing he said and by the time I posted the blog there would be a different thing out there. There is no point.
I could write about the upcoming Democratic Debates, but I think I'm the only one watching at this point. And really I shouldn't even bother watching either. I mean, it's too many people. But for the handful that I think are going to make it through I really want to see them. And for the others I want to see if they are the future, or maybe cabinet potentials, or please oh please viable Senate candidates. But nobody else is interested in 24 candidates. There is no point.
I could write about cooking this week. But I'm already bored with it and I haven't even really started... I swear it feels like there is no point.
I have a start for a short story, but it's just a start. Two lines really. And I don't think they are going to go anywhere. Say it with me...there is no point.
Seeing the trend here?
I have no point to make that I haven't already tried to make a thousand times.
I have no clear idea of what I want to say that hasn't been said.
I have no story I want to tell.
I'm sort of adrift right now.
Not bad adrift. Don't worry, it's not like a few years ago when I was just lost. It's just adrift right now like, I don't know what I want to do with the rest of the year. Writing wise. Blogwise. I feel like I've said everything I have to say on subjects and I'm not sure if I just keep repackaging them around current events or if I just say, well...that's done.
It's frustrating. I know it will pass, it always does, but it's so frustrating when it's here. Because if I don't write I start to get a little buggy. Or buggier. But if I have nothing so say (see this blog) then I worry that I am treading on your goodwill as a reader. I really do cherish the three of you that read my things. So...today I feel pointless and driftless and talentless and...
Oh yeah, I got the latest rejection for submissions. I bet that has nothing to do with any of this...
And TIME!
Whew...
Friday, July 26, 2019
Point on the timeline...
So where do you think we are? Like in future political science classes where in the timeline do you think we are?
Are we in the middle of the end? Like will the Mueller testimony be taught as a subheader. "You will see here one of the two major political parties entering in to public record numerous unfounded conspiracy theories to try to muddy the waters of an investigation."
Or "Here is where the then President of the United States used a form of communication called "Twitter" to stoke racial hatred."
"The grand experiment of democracy began its slow descent into madness at these points {produces slides of any number of events} but began its full speed rush to destruction when the 45th and final president refused to leave office and the republic ate itself."
Or maybe everything will be fine and we will course correct and fix the problems we are facing and move forward stronger than ever before because we got a good scare.
Maybe.
My on this day feed today shows that it's often a politically active day. There was the Chick-Fil-A shit show, Trump being considered a joke in the primaries but I was worried, the Democratic primary, the first time Trump tweeted that he was going to ban trans service members. Me saying just watch Justice Kennedy is going to retire as soon as this session is over. And one of the recurring themes over the years has been people telling me it was all fine.
Look, eating a chicken sandwich is no big deal, why are you so bothered by this? It's just like his opinion man... Me trying to point out it's not just his opinion it's that the company (THE COMPANY NOT THE MAN) took their profits and made donations to causes that actively worked to discrimnate against the LGBTQ community. Which they still do. So yeah, it's not just a chicken sandwich and waffle fries.
Trump will NEVER get the nomination. I mean, he's clearly running to (insert your idea here, I got everything from promote his business to help Clinton win). But there is no way he will ever get the nomination.
Bernie supporters will come around. They will vote for her. They aren't going to let Trump win. There is no way Trump will win. (From my Democrat friends) Look, even if Trump were to win he's not going to do any of the shit he says. He's actually a liberal. I mean, look, if he gets in you will be surprised. (From my Republican friends) And well, they didn't, he did, and he didn't suddenly turn into something else. He told you who he was and you all voted for him anyway. Or didn't vote because you, know, what's the worst that can happen?
He's only tweeting about that to distract from the ACA vote. He doesn't actually have the authority to do anything like that. It will be fine. Nobody is going to lose their right to serve. Don't be ridiculous. Oh yeah wait...his panel said no there is no reason to ban trans service members and he did it anyway via fiat. Because that's the way he rolls.
Kennedy resigned. And we know how that worked out. I LIKE BEER.
And that's all just from today.
So here is my concern, are we actually learning anything?
Are we actually paying attention?
Will we make the changes we need to make?
I've talked about it before, how shocked I was that a lot of what we thought were laws were really traditions. That Trump is doing what he does because he can. Other presidents could have as well, they just didn't because they followed the norms. So what happens next? What is the next "Oh he won't do that because..." right before he does that because he's Trump and the Republicans in Congress are scared to oppose him lest he be mean to them.
I'm voting blue no matter who the next election. I actually don't like it, it's distasteful to me. But I see no other course correction for the short term. For the long term? Listen to the podcast I linked on my Facebook page earlier and think about some of those ideas. Try and find a way to support them. Let's move away from the "I don't think I have any other choice" stance and try to find our way to "Oh my gosh, this sounds great!" ideal.
But for now? Believe Trump when he says or tweets the outlandish thing that he can't possibly do. Because until 2020 there is nobody to stop him.
Are we in the middle of the end? Like will the Mueller testimony be taught as a subheader. "You will see here one of the two major political parties entering in to public record numerous unfounded conspiracy theories to try to muddy the waters of an investigation."
Or "Here is where the then President of the United States used a form of communication called "Twitter" to stoke racial hatred."
"The grand experiment of democracy began its slow descent into madness at these points {produces slides of any number of events} but began its full speed rush to destruction when the 45th and final president refused to leave office and the republic ate itself."
Or maybe everything will be fine and we will course correct and fix the problems we are facing and move forward stronger than ever before because we got a good scare.
Maybe.
My on this day feed today shows that it's often a politically active day. There was the Chick-Fil-A shit show, Trump being considered a joke in the primaries but I was worried, the Democratic primary, the first time Trump tweeted that he was going to ban trans service members. Me saying just watch Justice Kennedy is going to retire as soon as this session is over. And one of the recurring themes over the years has been people telling me it was all fine.
Look, eating a chicken sandwich is no big deal, why are you so bothered by this? It's just like his opinion man... Me trying to point out it's not just his opinion it's that the company (THE COMPANY NOT THE MAN) took their profits and made donations to causes that actively worked to discrimnate against the LGBTQ community. Which they still do. So yeah, it's not just a chicken sandwich and waffle fries.
Trump will NEVER get the nomination. I mean, he's clearly running to (insert your idea here, I got everything from promote his business to help Clinton win). But there is no way he will ever get the nomination.
Bernie supporters will come around. They will vote for her. They aren't going to let Trump win. There is no way Trump will win. (From my Democrat friends) Look, even if Trump were to win he's not going to do any of the shit he says. He's actually a liberal. I mean, look, if he gets in you will be surprised. (From my Republican friends) And well, they didn't, he did, and he didn't suddenly turn into something else. He told you who he was and you all voted for him anyway. Or didn't vote because you, know, what's the worst that can happen?
He's only tweeting about that to distract from the ACA vote. He doesn't actually have the authority to do anything like that. It will be fine. Nobody is going to lose their right to serve. Don't be ridiculous. Oh yeah wait...his panel said no there is no reason to ban trans service members and he did it anyway via fiat. Because that's the way he rolls.
Kennedy resigned. And we know how that worked out. I LIKE BEER.
And that's all just from today.
So here is my concern, are we actually learning anything?
Are we actually paying attention?
Will we make the changes we need to make?
I've talked about it before, how shocked I was that a lot of what we thought were laws were really traditions. That Trump is doing what he does because he can. Other presidents could have as well, they just didn't because they followed the norms. So what happens next? What is the next "Oh he won't do that because..." right before he does that because he's Trump and the Republicans in Congress are scared to oppose him lest he be mean to them.
I'm voting blue no matter who the next election. I actually don't like it, it's distasteful to me. But I see no other course correction for the short term. For the long term? Listen to the podcast I linked on my Facebook page earlier and think about some of those ideas. Try and find a way to support them. Let's move away from the "I don't think I have any other choice" stance and try to find our way to "Oh my gosh, this sounds great!" ideal.
But for now? Believe Trump when he says or tweets the outlandish thing that he can't possibly do. Because until 2020 there is nobody to stop him.
Thursday, July 25, 2019
Road Trip!
She was three months in to her massive solo road trip when she almost died. And honestly it was the only point in the trip were it could have happened. When she had first started out she had been super cautious about everything, partly her own concerns about traveling alone across country but mostly from taking on everyone else's fears for her safety.
For the months before she set off everyone she talked to about the trip had given her some version of "Aren't you scared?" and finally she was. Or if not scared, then at least a little nervous. Her grand visions of adventure had little edges of danger lurking now.
But at about three months in her caution had been replaced with confidence which almost led to catastrophe. She had mistaken "nothing bad has happened" with "nothing bad can happen."
She went on a hike that morning without double checking the weather. It had been beautiful the past three days and that morning had started out the same. The bluest skies she had ever seen. She grabbed her back pack out of the car and headed off down the trail. The plan was she would hike in to the canyon, eat her lunch and then hike back out. The reality was she got part way in to her hike and the skies darkened and the rains came.
She had thought she would walk through the storm, it had come on so suddenly that she had been soaked anyway. And friends who had been raised in the desert had talked about how most storms there only lasted for a little bit before they blew over. She thought sticking to the plan was a good idea. But the mud made her change her mind. She had never experienced mud like that. Thick and grabbing. Every step she would sink in and almost lose her boot trying to pull her foot back out. Which is probably what saved her.
Trying to get away from the thick mud she had walked a little up the rock face of the cliff next to her. She felt a little like a mountain goat trying to walk at an angle on the rocks and was trying to decide if there was enough of a path for her to keep going into the canyon this way when she heard the roar. Her head was still trying to figure out what it was while her instincts were already screaming at her to climb. She got a few feet up when the wall of water came around the bend. She had heard the phrase "gully washer" before but she hadn't fully appreciated what it was until that day. She kept climbing, holding on to every jutting rock she could find, trying to get above the waterline before it got to her but wasn't quite fast enough. She felt the spray hit her leg and knew the next wave would pull her away from the cliff face when suddenly an arm reached out from a small cave in the side of the cliff and grabbed her pulling her up and in.
The two women looked at each other for a minute and then started to laugh. It was the almost hysterical laughter of knowing how bad something could have been. The narrowly missing disaster laugh. The laugh that could have just as easily turned in to sobs. But it didn't. They had both been caught unaware of the potential for disaster hiking the canyon during flash flood season. Neither, infact, had even known there was such a thing as flash flood season until they experienced it.
They spent a few hours holed up in the cave, sharing stories over picnic lunches. Both women on their own having the adventure of a lifetime. They talked about the places they had already been and where they wanted to go next. How exciting it had all been, but also how lonely. The water eventually receded leaving just a muddy walk back to the car. By that time they had decided to travel on together. Her hero had been doing it all on foot, so the thought of driving, hiking and then car camping seemed like luxury. They mapped out a route that would take them to some bucket list areas for both of them before splitting up again in Texas.
It was a great few months. Solitude didn't really bother her much, she loved being alone with her thoughts, really she did. But having someone there who enjoyed what you enjoyed? Who laughed at your stories? Who could sit with you in companionable silence while you both read or watched the sunset or listened to a creek burble by, well that was something too.
When they got to the small town in Texas where they would say their goodbyes they made all of the promises you make to people you meet at places like Summer Camp. "Oh we'll stay in touch!" "Drop by anytime!" She dropped her off in front of an old whitewashed church. Her mother didn't know she was coming and she wanted to surprise her. It had been too long since she had seen her. But she knew her schedule was set in stone and she would be by any moment. It seemed like too personal of a meeting for a third to intrude on so they hugged one more time and separated.
She finished her adventures solo. She had thought that she would be unbearably lonely this time but she had quickly fallen back into her previous rhythms. She had enjoyed having company, but she didn't mind being alone for awhile either. Though when it was time to return home she was more than ready.
Her friends and family were excited to hear about her adventures and also relieved she was home safe. Especially after she told them about her near miss in the canyon. Her brother teased her about being so focused on the scenery that she hadn't bothered to take any pictures of her traveling companion. What was he talking about? Of course she had. She took the stack of pictures from him and found one of the two of them smiling into the camera with a high desert arch behind them. He looked at the picture and started to laugh. She wasn't sure what the joke was until he said he hadn't meant her as her companion, but her friend from the canyon. She took the picture back and...it was just her. Smiling, head tilting toward another head that was no longer there.
She found another picture of the two of them, four bare feet dangling in a stream. She asked her mother what she saw. Her mother took the photo and studied it for a minute. Her guess was she was soaking her feet after a long hike. She took the picture back and now there were only two feet.
Her companion was fading away from each photo as she shared it.
She went to Texas the next summer. She stopped her rental car in front of the old white church and got out. She wasn't sure exactly what she was looking for, proof she wasn't crazy would be good. She walked around the outside of the church and saw the small cemetery in the back. She walked through looking at old headstones, reading names and dates. Then she stopped.
An elderly woman made her way into the gated yard. She stopped next to her. She told her, "She's not here, not really." She jumped.
"I'm sorry, what do you mean?"
"They never found her. I knew she was gone, but we never found her. She had been out hiking in New Mexico the last time we heard from her. She never called again and never came home. I made them hold a service for her anyway. There's no body here, but I wanted someplace to come and remember."
"Oh. I see. I'm so sorry for your loss."
"Do you want to hear the funniest thing though?"
The old woman must have seen the puzzled look on her face.
"Not funny, like a joke, funny like odd. Comforting more than funny if you get right down to it. At least for me."
"Okay..."
"I think she came home last year."
"You mean, she's not..."
"Oh no. I mean I think she's here now. Even if her body is lost to us. I think she came back. Last summer in fact. I was standing right here and I swear I heard her say my name and whisper goodbye. I felt such peace. I think she found a way to come home."
"I think you're right. I think she did."
She gave the startled old woman a hug and headed back to her car. Hearing the whisper of thank you on the wind...
For the months before she set off everyone she talked to about the trip had given her some version of "Aren't you scared?" and finally she was. Or if not scared, then at least a little nervous. Her grand visions of adventure had little edges of danger lurking now.
But at about three months in her caution had been replaced with confidence which almost led to catastrophe. She had mistaken "nothing bad has happened" with "nothing bad can happen."
She went on a hike that morning without double checking the weather. It had been beautiful the past three days and that morning had started out the same. The bluest skies she had ever seen. She grabbed her back pack out of the car and headed off down the trail. The plan was she would hike in to the canyon, eat her lunch and then hike back out. The reality was she got part way in to her hike and the skies darkened and the rains came.
She had thought she would walk through the storm, it had come on so suddenly that she had been soaked anyway. And friends who had been raised in the desert had talked about how most storms there only lasted for a little bit before they blew over. She thought sticking to the plan was a good idea. But the mud made her change her mind. She had never experienced mud like that. Thick and grabbing. Every step she would sink in and almost lose her boot trying to pull her foot back out. Which is probably what saved her.
Trying to get away from the thick mud she had walked a little up the rock face of the cliff next to her. She felt a little like a mountain goat trying to walk at an angle on the rocks and was trying to decide if there was enough of a path for her to keep going into the canyon this way when she heard the roar. Her head was still trying to figure out what it was while her instincts were already screaming at her to climb. She got a few feet up when the wall of water came around the bend. She had heard the phrase "gully washer" before but she hadn't fully appreciated what it was until that day. She kept climbing, holding on to every jutting rock she could find, trying to get above the waterline before it got to her but wasn't quite fast enough. She felt the spray hit her leg and knew the next wave would pull her away from the cliff face when suddenly an arm reached out from a small cave in the side of the cliff and grabbed her pulling her up and in.
The two women looked at each other for a minute and then started to laugh. It was the almost hysterical laughter of knowing how bad something could have been. The narrowly missing disaster laugh. The laugh that could have just as easily turned in to sobs. But it didn't. They had both been caught unaware of the potential for disaster hiking the canyon during flash flood season. Neither, infact, had even known there was such a thing as flash flood season until they experienced it.
They spent a few hours holed up in the cave, sharing stories over picnic lunches. Both women on their own having the adventure of a lifetime. They talked about the places they had already been and where they wanted to go next. How exciting it had all been, but also how lonely. The water eventually receded leaving just a muddy walk back to the car. By that time they had decided to travel on together. Her hero had been doing it all on foot, so the thought of driving, hiking and then car camping seemed like luxury. They mapped out a route that would take them to some bucket list areas for both of them before splitting up again in Texas.
It was a great few months. Solitude didn't really bother her much, she loved being alone with her thoughts, really she did. But having someone there who enjoyed what you enjoyed? Who laughed at your stories? Who could sit with you in companionable silence while you both read or watched the sunset or listened to a creek burble by, well that was something too.
When they got to the small town in Texas where they would say their goodbyes they made all of the promises you make to people you meet at places like Summer Camp. "Oh we'll stay in touch!" "Drop by anytime!" She dropped her off in front of an old whitewashed church. Her mother didn't know she was coming and she wanted to surprise her. It had been too long since she had seen her. But she knew her schedule was set in stone and she would be by any moment. It seemed like too personal of a meeting for a third to intrude on so they hugged one more time and separated.
She finished her adventures solo. She had thought that she would be unbearably lonely this time but she had quickly fallen back into her previous rhythms. She had enjoyed having company, but she didn't mind being alone for awhile either. Though when it was time to return home she was more than ready.
Her friends and family were excited to hear about her adventures and also relieved she was home safe. Especially after she told them about her near miss in the canyon. Her brother teased her about being so focused on the scenery that she hadn't bothered to take any pictures of her traveling companion. What was he talking about? Of course she had. She took the stack of pictures from him and found one of the two of them smiling into the camera with a high desert arch behind them. He looked at the picture and started to laugh. She wasn't sure what the joke was until he said he hadn't meant her as her companion, but her friend from the canyon. She took the picture back and...it was just her. Smiling, head tilting toward another head that was no longer there.
She found another picture of the two of them, four bare feet dangling in a stream. She asked her mother what she saw. Her mother took the photo and studied it for a minute. Her guess was she was soaking her feet after a long hike. She took the picture back and now there were only two feet.
Her companion was fading away from each photo as she shared it.
She went to Texas the next summer. She stopped her rental car in front of the old white church and got out. She wasn't sure exactly what she was looking for, proof she wasn't crazy would be good. She walked around the outside of the church and saw the small cemetery in the back. She walked through looking at old headstones, reading names and dates. Then she stopped.
An elderly woman made her way into the gated yard. She stopped next to her. She told her, "She's not here, not really." She jumped.
"I'm sorry, what do you mean?"
"They never found her. I knew she was gone, but we never found her. She had been out hiking in New Mexico the last time we heard from her. She never called again and never came home. I made them hold a service for her anyway. There's no body here, but I wanted someplace to come and remember."
"Oh. I see. I'm so sorry for your loss."
"Do you want to hear the funniest thing though?"
The old woman must have seen the puzzled look on her face.
"Not funny, like a joke, funny like odd. Comforting more than funny if you get right down to it. At least for me."
"Okay..."
"I think she came home last year."
"You mean, she's not..."
"Oh no. I mean I think she's here now. Even if her body is lost to us. I think she came back. Last summer in fact. I was standing right here and I swear I heard her say my name and whisper goodbye. I felt such peace. I think she found a way to come home."
"I think you're right. I think she did."
She gave the startled old woman a hug and headed back to her car. Hearing the whisper of thank you on the wind...
Tuesday, July 23, 2019
Rant Block....
I haven't written a really ranty blog in awhile. It's not that I am not feeling ranty, it's just that everything I'm feeling ranty about I've written about before. Which then pisses me off. Why are we constantly circling the same issues?
For instance...
The Trump administration is trying to limit access to food stamps. Again. This is the bill they tried to get through Congress on one of the agriculture bills and it was rejected. A few people running for re-election realized this was not a good look.
But Trump and Sonny Perdue? They are like, fuck those guys and their whiney, I'm hungry. I mean just DON'T BE POOR amiright? Of course, they aren't being that blunt, but that's really kind of the gist of it. Even though it's completely short sighted. Even if you think that somehow being poor is a sin, which the Republican party seems to, doing this will make the issue worse.
What they are trying to do is get rid of some overlapping areas of qualifications that states are using. Things that are a little less stringent. They want a federally mandated line of qualification.
Which some would say, okay that's fine, why is that a big deal?
Well, it will drop a lot of people off the qualifying list. People who are using food stamps to supplement income. To make ends meet. And it's not like they will suddenly have more money. They won't. So they will be faced with a choice. Do without, or make even less money. They also want to reduce even further the amount you are allowed to have in a savings account and still qualify. Which is one of the best ways to lift people out of poverty, by the way, having money in a savings account to cover the emergencies that pop up.
But this new ruling will force people to not have savings accounts and to not take that promotion, or work that added shift they've been offered because it could throw them off of the food stamps and they don't have enough extra to cover that expense. Things that are supposed to be helpful the bridge the gap while you advance are going to be put as a road block instead. You can't make more money because then you will have less. More in your paycheck, but it will have to stretch further than it did.
The Trump administration is touting the savings, but is it savings if people are going hungry? That seems like a really high cost to me.
But I've made this argument before you see. I'm not saying anything here I haven't said before. We've (using the broad we, not the we as in I agree we) we've decided that being poor is a sin and being really poor is basically criminal. We don't want to look at the hard fixes. We don't want to actually do what works. Did you know the best way to end homelessness is to home people? Not make them qualify for a bed in a facility, or take a drug test, and pass a series of you have tos, but to just put them in a home? There have been studies done and that's really what works. It's called Housing First, google that shit, it's really interesting.
BUT...we don't want to do that because "it's not fair." See we get so wrapped up in thinking that someone is getting something we aren't, or something we paid more for, that we can't get past that. And I get it...but get over it. First of all, it's a better deal for all of us if we make those "unfair" choices. (again, Google it all) It's cheaper in the long run. Less in emergency services, less in policing, less in community cleanups, it's just a better deal. Like significantly better. So get over it. It's a bargain.
We want people to be successful right? Isn't that the end game? So we need to be honest about what it takes to get people there.
Food and shelter is a good start.
Let's stop taking away the baseline from the poorest while we cut taxes on the richest. If you want to discuss what is and isn't fair, that might be a better place to look.
But I've said all of this before and it's just so frustrating to say it all again...
For instance...
The Trump administration is trying to limit access to food stamps. Again. This is the bill they tried to get through Congress on one of the agriculture bills and it was rejected. A few people running for re-election realized this was not a good look.
But Trump and Sonny Perdue? They are like, fuck those guys and their whiney, I'm hungry. I mean just DON'T BE POOR amiright? Of course, they aren't being that blunt, but that's really kind of the gist of it. Even though it's completely short sighted. Even if you think that somehow being poor is a sin, which the Republican party seems to, doing this will make the issue worse.
What they are trying to do is get rid of some overlapping areas of qualifications that states are using. Things that are a little less stringent. They want a federally mandated line of qualification.
Which some would say, okay that's fine, why is that a big deal?
Well, it will drop a lot of people off the qualifying list. People who are using food stamps to supplement income. To make ends meet. And it's not like they will suddenly have more money. They won't. So they will be faced with a choice. Do without, or make even less money. They also want to reduce even further the amount you are allowed to have in a savings account and still qualify. Which is one of the best ways to lift people out of poverty, by the way, having money in a savings account to cover the emergencies that pop up.
But this new ruling will force people to not have savings accounts and to not take that promotion, or work that added shift they've been offered because it could throw them off of the food stamps and they don't have enough extra to cover that expense. Things that are supposed to be helpful the bridge the gap while you advance are going to be put as a road block instead. You can't make more money because then you will have less. More in your paycheck, but it will have to stretch further than it did.
The Trump administration is touting the savings, but is it savings if people are going hungry? That seems like a really high cost to me.
But I've made this argument before you see. I'm not saying anything here I haven't said before. We've (using the broad we, not the we as in I agree we) we've decided that being poor is a sin and being really poor is basically criminal. We don't want to look at the hard fixes. We don't want to actually do what works. Did you know the best way to end homelessness is to home people? Not make them qualify for a bed in a facility, or take a drug test, and pass a series of you have tos, but to just put them in a home? There have been studies done and that's really what works. It's called Housing First, google that shit, it's really interesting.
BUT...we don't want to do that because "it's not fair." See we get so wrapped up in thinking that someone is getting something we aren't, or something we paid more for, that we can't get past that. And I get it...but get over it. First of all, it's a better deal for all of us if we make those "unfair" choices. (again, Google it all) It's cheaper in the long run. Less in emergency services, less in policing, less in community cleanups, it's just a better deal. Like significantly better. So get over it. It's a bargain.
We want people to be successful right? Isn't that the end game? So we need to be honest about what it takes to get people there.
Food and shelter is a good start.
Let's stop taking away the baseline from the poorest while we cut taxes on the richest. If you want to discuss what is and isn't fair, that might be a better place to look.
But I've said all of this before and it's just so frustrating to say it all again...
Sunday, July 21, 2019
Finally!
So I finally finished New Job which morphed into Memory Lane! Now I am FINALLY free to move on to other things and write about...
Umm...
I'm sure I was bursting with ideas just last week.
Wait...there was...oh or....hmmm...maybe...
Dammit.
It's always like that isn't it? It's like shopping. When you have no money or you are in the middle of losing weight all of the clothes are super cute and you want them all. And as soon as you're flush with cash and your weight is stable...nothing. Nothing at all.
Is it that our brains just crave distraction or variety? So if we are trying to focus on one thing it's like, "Oh look over here!" but when we are free to wander it's like, "Nah, I'm good. Let's just rest."
I did have a few ranty type things last week that would pop up and I would "write" while I was out walking. But then when I would sit down to write them I'd get distracted or couldn't muster up the right frame of mind to do it and it would fade away. You have to be in the right mood to tilt at those windmills.
Next week is the Mueller testimony so I'm hoping that sparks some change in the national conversation. I mean, I doubt it, you have people defending Trump this week saying that he didn't say something racist because....well...reasons! So they aren't going to shift from NO COLLUSION! NO OBSTRUCTION! even though the Mueller Report is like, yeah...so much obstruction.
Maybe I'll read through Memory Lane and see where it falls apart and spin that into another story. I mean, probably not...but sparks need to happen somewhere. I'm sort of feeling a love story being the next one. Maybe even a play it straight one. Since Memory Lane was REALLY not the type of story I normally tell maybe another one that is totally different will be good. It worked for Wonky Tower as well. I think the ones I'm not good at end up being the longest because it takes me so long to figure out what I want to say...
Okay, well I brain dumped. Sunday blogs are often just brain dump blogs. Let's see if that opens it up for next week. :-)
To my liberal ladies on the beach...have so much fun you start a new progressive movement!
To my fellow Mueller testimony watches, pay attention, it should be good.
To the rest of you reading, have a great week and, you know, post an idea about what you want me to write about in the comments. It's always appreciated. :-)
Umm...
I'm sure I was bursting with ideas just last week.
Wait...there was...oh or....hmmm...maybe...
Dammit.
It's always like that isn't it? It's like shopping. When you have no money or you are in the middle of losing weight all of the clothes are super cute and you want them all. And as soon as you're flush with cash and your weight is stable...nothing. Nothing at all.
Is it that our brains just crave distraction or variety? So if we are trying to focus on one thing it's like, "Oh look over here!" but when we are free to wander it's like, "Nah, I'm good. Let's just rest."
I did have a few ranty type things last week that would pop up and I would "write" while I was out walking. But then when I would sit down to write them I'd get distracted or couldn't muster up the right frame of mind to do it and it would fade away. You have to be in the right mood to tilt at those windmills.
Next week is the Mueller testimony so I'm hoping that sparks some change in the national conversation. I mean, I doubt it, you have people defending Trump this week saying that he didn't say something racist because....well...reasons! So they aren't going to shift from NO COLLUSION! NO OBSTRUCTION! even though the Mueller Report is like, yeah...so much obstruction.
Maybe I'll read through Memory Lane and see where it falls apart and spin that into another story. I mean, probably not...but sparks need to happen somewhere. I'm sort of feeling a love story being the next one. Maybe even a play it straight one. Since Memory Lane was REALLY not the type of story I normally tell maybe another one that is totally different will be good. It worked for Wonky Tower as well. I think the ones I'm not good at end up being the longest because it takes me so long to figure out what I want to say...
Okay, well I brain dumped. Sunday blogs are often just brain dump blogs. Let's see if that opens it up for next week. :-)
To my liberal ladies on the beach...have so much fun you start a new progressive movement!
To my fellow Mueller testimony watches, pay attention, it should be good.
To the rest of you reading, have a great week and, you know, post an idea about what you want me to write about in the comments. It's always appreciated. :-)
Wednesday, July 17, 2019
Gratitude...
Okay, I'll make it a triple header...
Doing Prompt of the Day this month. Basically I took the Picture of the Day list from Fat Mum Slim and turned it into Prompt of the Day instead. It was a good list of things I thought I could work with so I decided not to pass it up.
Today's prompt was "I'm grateful for..."
Yeah, I laughed when I saw it too. I do a Daily Gratitude post on Facebook already, and I've been a gratitude practitioner for as long as I can remember. Practitioner of gratitude? Is that better? Overtly grateful?
However you want to phrase it, I'm a grateful person.
I can tell you that it started when I was very young. And it was tied to my religious beliefs at the time. Or I guess spiritual more than religion. It wasn't something the church said I should do, I just felt like it should be done. See, everyone prays when they need something but I felt like that was kind of wrong. I mean you know how you feel about people who only call you when they need something right? So I would make sure to do short little prayers of thanks. See a beautiful sunset? Thank you for this sunset and the way the orange color fades into the pink. Run into a friend unexpectedly and have a nice visit? Thank you for putting Lisa in my path today. And on and on.
It was a habit. A thank you habit. A gratitude habit.
And even years after I left the church I found myself doing it. Driving down the road, Thank you for the AC in my car and the reliability of my transportation. Sitting by the ocean, Thank you for the sound the waves make when they hit the shore. But the difference was I wasn't addressing them to God anymore, I was just sending out a general thank you to the world. I left the church but I didn't leave my gratitude practice. It had just changed.
Eventually it shifted to those random thank yous during the day and then a last of the day thought process of "I'm thankful for this..." and then I would go to sleep. I think I must have picked that one up during my Spiritual Searching in the 90s. Gratitude Journals were a thing, and even though a blog is really just a journal, I was lousy at journaling. Always had been. So it was just a bedtime ritual. Think a positive thought about the day or about my life right before sleep.
Then came Facebook and one year I saw someone do a Thirty Days of Thanks thing. Everyday in November they would post one thing they were thankful for, tied to Thanksgiving. I really liked the idea and started doing it every year.
Then a few years ago I went to a continuing education seminar about happy people. What to do to be happy, what to do to stay happy. Science based. Surprisingly Be Denise wasn't one of the things BUT one of the things that was talked about was daily gratitude. And specifically sharing that daily gratitude. Brian King (the speaker and also a friend of mine) challenged everyone to do a Daily Gratitude post for a week (I think it was a week) but post 3 things about your day that you were grateful for and to share it on Facebook and to tag him and whoever else you wanted to. But the sharing and tagging was important because being grateful helps your own happiness but SHARING that gratitude helps other people's. He wanted tagged so he could get a little of that happy shine as well. And I'm sure that because accountability to someone else means more follow through and the advertisement for his seminar probably didn't hurt. Getting paid and having food on the table adds to happiness as well. ;-)
I didn't do it. I mean after all I already had my own daily gratitude practice so why do another one for seven days? Good idea to get someone jump started though, who might need it. Just not for me.
But as he toured the country I read a lot of gratitude posts from strangers. Because everyone who did do it, and followed the rules, tagged him so that meant that as a friend of his it showed up in my feed. I saw the standard grateful for family posts. The grateful for my house. Grateful for my job. Those things, but I also saw grateful that I am 6 months into remission. Grateful for my year sober chip. Grateful for getting the bigger piece of cake. Grateful that there was enough cream in the fridge for my coffee. Big and little gratitude and they all made me smile. One because they were familiar to me. The things I would send little thank yous out for. And two because people were genuinely grateful for some big deal things. And some little daily pleasures. Well...look at that. Public gratitude, even for an old hand at it, works.
So that year when I did my Thirty Days of Thanks I tagged him in the first one. Then came 2016 and I decided in an election year we could all use a little more gratitude so I took my Daily Gratitude public for the year. Now I still didn't follow his rules, exactly, I'm grateful that I don't feel obligated to follow rules after all...I didn't do three a day, some days I had three, some days I had more, some days I only had one, I didn't tag him or anyone else, but they were on my feed so all of my friends could see them. I posted things I was thankful/grateful for every day that year. Holy cow, it got hard in November, but it was really important to me to keep showing gratitude even though I was feeling less than gracious right then.
That's the thing with Gratitude, it gets hard to find when you need it the most. But there's always something there. If it's the way that your favorite t-shirt fits, that totally counts. If it's that you didn't succumb to screaming profanities at the world that day, that totally counts as well. You might have to look for it, but there is always something.
After 2016 I went back to just random gratitude postings and my Thirty Days of Thanks. But then last year as I approached my 50th birthday and made the decision to not treat it like a dirge but a celebration #FiftyisNifty I decided to add back in my public Daily Gratitude posts. Some of them deal with aging and how I'm grateful for a lot of things that go with that, but not all of them. Some of them are really big deal things. But not all of them. Some are stand alone grateful for this one thing. But not all of them. Some are repeats. I'm just as grateful for a great book today as I was 6 months ago, even if it's a different book.
And they make me happy.
And I have had friends tell me that they appreciate them, that they inspire them, that they are happy to see them. All of the good things that a public daily gratitude practice was said to deliver it did.
So today I'm grateful for my gratitude.
I'm grateful that it's part of me.
I'm grateful that Brian convinced me to take it public and share it with you.
Gratitude.
Doing Prompt of the Day this month. Basically I took the Picture of the Day list from Fat Mum Slim and turned it into Prompt of the Day instead. It was a good list of things I thought I could work with so I decided not to pass it up.
Today's prompt was "I'm grateful for..."
Yeah, I laughed when I saw it too. I do a Daily Gratitude post on Facebook already, and I've been a gratitude practitioner for as long as I can remember. Practitioner of gratitude? Is that better? Overtly grateful?
However you want to phrase it, I'm a grateful person.
I can tell you that it started when I was very young. And it was tied to my religious beliefs at the time. Or I guess spiritual more than religion. It wasn't something the church said I should do, I just felt like it should be done. See, everyone prays when they need something but I felt like that was kind of wrong. I mean you know how you feel about people who only call you when they need something right? So I would make sure to do short little prayers of thanks. See a beautiful sunset? Thank you for this sunset and the way the orange color fades into the pink. Run into a friend unexpectedly and have a nice visit? Thank you for putting Lisa in my path today. And on and on.
It was a habit. A thank you habit. A gratitude habit.
And even years after I left the church I found myself doing it. Driving down the road, Thank you for the AC in my car and the reliability of my transportation. Sitting by the ocean, Thank you for the sound the waves make when they hit the shore. But the difference was I wasn't addressing them to God anymore, I was just sending out a general thank you to the world. I left the church but I didn't leave my gratitude practice. It had just changed.
Eventually it shifted to those random thank yous during the day and then a last of the day thought process of "I'm thankful for this..." and then I would go to sleep. I think I must have picked that one up during my Spiritual Searching in the 90s. Gratitude Journals were a thing, and even though a blog is really just a journal, I was lousy at journaling. Always had been. So it was just a bedtime ritual. Think a positive thought about the day or about my life right before sleep.
Then came Facebook and one year I saw someone do a Thirty Days of Thanks thing. Everyday in November they would post one thing they were thankful for, tied to Thanksgiving. I really liked the idea and started doing it every year.
Then a few years ago I went to a continuing education seminar about happy people. What to do to be happy, what to do to stay happy. Science based. Surprisingly Be Denise wasn't one of the things BUT one of the things that was talked about was daily gratitude. And specifically sharing that daily gratitude. Brian King (the speaker and also a friend of mine) challenged everyone to do a Daily Gratitude post for a week (I think it was a week) but post 3 things about your day that you were grateful for and to share it on Facebook and to tag him and whoever else you wanted to. But the sharing and tagging was important because being grateful helps your own happiness but SHARING that gratitude helps other people's. He wanted tagged so he could get a little of that happy shine as well. And I'm sure that because accountability to someone else means more follow through and the advertisement for his seminar probably didn't hurt. Getting paid and having food on the table adds to happiness as well. ;-)
I didn't do it. I mean after all I already had my own daily gratitude practice so why do another one for seven days? Good idea to get someone jump started though, who might need it. Just not for me.
But as he toured the country I read a lot of gratitude posts from strangers. Because everyone who did do it, and followed the rules, tagged him so that meant that as a friend of his it showed up in my feed. I saw the standard grateful for family posts. The grateful for my house. Grateful for my job. Those things, but I also saw grateful that I am 6 months into remission. Grateful for my year sober chip. Grateful for getting the bigger piece of cake. Grateful that there was enough cream in the fridge for my coffee. Big and little gratitude and they all made me smile. One because they were familiar to me. The things I would send little thank yous out for. And two because people were genuinely grateful for some big deal things. And some little daily pleasures. Well...look at that. Public gratitude, even for an old hand at it, works.
So that year when I did my Thirty Days of Thanks I tagged him in the first one. Then came 2016 and I decided in an election year we could all use a little more gratitude so I took my Daily Gratitude public for the year. Now I still didn't follow his rules, exactly, I'm grateful that I don't feel obligated to follow rules after all...I didn't do three a day, some days I had three, some days I had more, some days I only had one, I didn't tag him or anyone else, but they were on my feed so all of my friends could see them. I posted things I was thankful/grateful for every day that year. Holy cow, it got hard in November, but it was really important to me to keep showing gratitude even though I was feeling less than gracious right then.
That's the thing with Gratitude, it gets hard to find when you need it the most. But there's always something there. If it's the way that your favorite t-shirt fits, that totally counts. If it's that you didn't succumb to screaming profanities at the world that day, that totally counts as well. You might have to look for it, but there is always something.
After 2016 I went back to just random gratitude postings and my Thirty Days of Thanks. But then last year as I approached my 50th birthday and made the decision to not treat it like a dirge but a celebration #FiftyisNifty I decided to add back in my public Daily Gratitude posts. Some of them deal with aging and how I'm grateful for a lot of things that go with that, but not all of them. Some of them are really big deal things. But not all of them. Some are stand alone grateful for this one thing. But not all of them. Some are repeats. I'm just as grateful for a great book today as I was 6 months ago, even if it's a different book.
And they make me happy.
And I have had friends tell me that they appreciate them, that they inspire them, that they are happy to see them. All of the good things that a public daily gratitude practice was said to deliver it did.
So today I'm grateful for my gratitude.
I'm grateful that it's part of me.
I'm grateful that Brian convinced me to take it public and share it with you.
Gratitude.
Tuesday, July 16, 2019
Memory Lane (Part Twenty)...
"This is Greg Garison reporting to you live. We are as close to the site of the massive explosion that rocked downtown earlier as we can be. Firetrucks and Natural Gas workers have cordoned off a 4 block radius. Reports are that three stores were completely destroyed. No word yet on casualties..."
-----------
"Ms. Dunning, we understand this might be difficult for you but we do need to understand this more."
"I wish I could answer you more clearly than I already have. I don't know why all of the systems were affected. I don't understand why the central computer..." Gloria trailed off "I don't understand why the central computer being destroyed would wipe out all of the linked systems. I've been told it had something to do with the update that was happening at the time. That somehow being in the process when the system..." she took another breath, "when the system crashed caused a chain reaction."
"But our own experts say that isn't possible."
Gloria reached the end of her patience, "Well all of my experts died in the explosion so I don't know what you want me to say."
------------
"This is Jenna St. James with Action Six news. Tonight as part of our "Whatever Happened To?" series we are following up on the murder of Samantha Johnson. Our faithful viewers will remember that Alicia McGovern was sent to Saint Stephens under a psychiatric hold after insisting that she was the real Samantha Johnson. When we tried to schedule an interview with Ms. McGovern we were denied access to her. After some expert investigative reporting we discovered that Ms. McGovern was no longer being held at Saint Stephens. But where is she now?
That's a good question, viewers. A good question indeed."
-----------
James sat at the computer reading the post trying not to completely lose his shit. Those fuckers. Who does something like that? But here it all was. "Alice" and "Claude" had just been in it for the lolz. They had come back on and written a post about what an idiot he was. "We put his phone in a baggie and told him it was blocking government spying!" They hadn't actually said that, they had just implied it. The whole post was exaggerated and made to make him look like an idiot. Well even more of an idiot. He had really honestly believed they had some information about where Joanna went. But now? Now he was sure he was just a loser who had been left in the lurch. And now a loser left in the lurch and mocked.
Fuck them all.
He read the post three more times before he could convince himself to shut the computer down and walk away.
He guessed it gave him some sort of closure afterall. He was an idiot who had been left by an ex-girlfriend who he thought he was closer to than he was. That's all. It was time to move on.
--------
Gloria called home after the hearing, "I should be back tomorrow morning. I'm sorry that I have been gone. How are the girls? Good...that's good. Yeah....really tired. I'm not sure why they needed more hearings....our systems are destroyed. Dane is...Dane is gone, all of his research is gone. Experience It! was out of business before the gas line explosion at Memory Lane and Remember the Time! hadn't yet finalized the deal with Dane for their systems so they never even got started. There is no more technology for them to regulate...I just don't know why they made me come out here."
--------
"This is Greg Garison reporting on the LOCAL CONNECTION to last night's massive subway crash in DC. Though the situation could have been much worse overall; for one local family the outcome was a cruel twist of fate. After surviving the gas main explosion that killed 6 of her coworkers local woman Gloria Dunning was one of the four fatalities reported. We reached her husband for comment...."
-------
Miranda woke up with her heart pounding. It was the same nightmare she had had over and over again. She wasn't even sure why she found it so terrifying. In the dream she was leaving a room, or a house, or office, she was never clear exactly where she had been but she was calm in the dream, thinking about a conversation that she had just had, something about calling her Commander to get back up (her Commander?) when she would reach in to her pocket and grab her phone. And that was when the panic would hit, she would think, "MY PHONE! I left my phone in my pocket the whole time we were talking! I forgot to leave my phone behind!"
And then she would wake up in a panic. Why was she so scared of having her phone in her pocket? What harm could that cause?
---------
-----------
"Ms. Dunning, we understand this might be difficult for you but we do need to understand this more."
"I wish I could answer you more clearly than I already have. I don't know why all of the systems were affected. I don't understand why the central computer..." Gloria trailed off "I don't understand why the central computer being destroyed would wipe out all of the linked systems. I've been told it had something to do with the update that was happening at the time. That somehow being in the process when the system..." she took another breath, "when the system crashed caused a chain reaction."
"But our own experts say that isn't possible."
Gloria reached the end of her patience, "Well all of my experts died in the explosion so I don't know what you want me to say."
------------
"This is Jenna St. James with Action Six news. Tonight as part of our "Whatever Happened To?" series we are following up on the murder of Samantha Johnson. Our faithful viewers will remember that Alicia McGovern was sent to Saint Stephens under a psychiatric hold after insisting that she was the real Samantha Johnson. When we tried to schedule an interview with Ms. McGovern we were denied access to her. After some expert investigative reporting we discovered that Ms. McGovern was no longer being held at Saint Stephens. But where is she now?
That's a good question, viewers. A good question indeed."
-----------
James sat at the computer reading the post trying not to completely lose his shit. Those fuckers. Who does something like that? But here it all was. "Alice" and "Claude" had just been in it for the lolz. They had come back on and written a post about what an idiot he was. "We put his phone in a baggie and told him it was blocking government spying!" They hadn't actually said that, they had just implied it. The whole post was exaggerated and made to make him look like an idiot. Well even more of an idiot. He had really honestly believed they had some information about where Joanna went. But now? Now he was sure he was just a loser who had been left in the lurch. And now a loser left in the lurch and mocked.
Fuck them all.
He read the post three more times before he could convince himself to shut the computer down and walk away.
He guessed it gave him some sort of closure afterall. He was an idiot who had been left by an ex-girlfriend who he thought he was closer to than he was. That's all. It was time to move on.
--------
Gloria called home after the hearing, "I should be back tomorrow morning. I'm sorry that I have been gone. How are the girls? Good...that's good. Yeah....really tired. I'm not sure why they needed more hearings....our systems are destroyed. Dane is...Dane is gone, all of his research is gone. Experience It! was out of business before the gas line explosion at Memory Lane and Remember the Time! hadn't yet finalized the deal with Dane for their systems so they never even got started. There is no more technology for them to regulate...I just don't know why they made me come out here."
--------
"This is Greg Garison reporting on the LOCAL CONNECTION to last night's massive subway crash in DC. Though the situation could have been much worse overall; for one local family the outcome was a cruel twist of fate. After surviving the gas main explosion that killed 6 of her coworkers local woman Gloria Dunning was one of the four fatalities reported. We reached her husband for comment...."
-------
Miranda woke up with her heart pounding. It was the same nightmare she had had over and over again. She wasn't even sure why she found it so terrifying. In the dream she was leaving a room, or a house, or office, she was never clear exactly where she had been but she was calm in the dream, thinking about a conversation that she had just had, something about calling her Commander to get back up (her Commander?) when she would reach in to her pocket and grab her phone. And that was when the panic would hit, she would think, "MY PHONE! I left my phone in my pocket the whole time we were talking! I forgot to leave my phone behind!"
And then she would wake up in a panic. Why was she so scared of having her phone in her pocket? What harm could that cause?
---------
Sunday, July 14, 2019
Memory Lane (Part Nineteen)....
Alice and Claude met back up with Detective Green to share the information they had received from James.
"We asked him if he would be willing to meet with you as well. I'm sure there are things you might want to follow up on."
Marsha nodded, "Thank you. I need to go through these notes and then I think that would be a good idea. What about the other missing person, Steve? Right? Were you able to find out his friend's contact information?"
Claude shook his head. "No, I've tried to reach out to him on the boards but haven't gotten any response. And I can't track the user to a person. It's been bounced around and masked. Honestly I don't know anything about Steve's friend at all. I keep using he, but for all I know they could be a woman. It's really hidden and they've been really vague about who they are."
"Why would they do that?"
"It's normal for these types of boards on this part of the web. I mean, you would have be to really good at what you do to be able to ever track my username back to me. There really is no point in having a hidden part of the web if you weren't hiding right?"
Marsha shrugged. It went against something in the very core of her being. The hiding. The avoiding. It felt like a crime was being committed just by being secretive. "But James was different?"
"Yeah, he wasn't trying to hide who he was. The username he was using and the direct line in to the boards was more like a beacon. He wanted help and he wanted people to be able to find him and see who he was. He was hoping that if he was open someone who knew something would trust him enough to share."
"So, the basic tendency in this world is to be secretive but the way to gain trust is by being an open book? That doesn't seem like it makes sense."
"And because of that for a lot of people what James did would have scared them off. Being too open looks like a trap. I actually tracked him in other areas for awhile before I ever showed the information to Dane or to you. So yeah, being really open doesn't make sense, unless you are really desperate."
"And did James seem desperate to you?"
Alice shook her head, "When he was first posting he was, but not now. He seemed resigned to me. He even said he had accepted that Joanna was probably dead. That she wouldn't have just stopped contacting him. I think whoever recruited her didn't pay enough attention to the relationship with James. They assumed no current boyfriend, no living family meant no strong social contacts. She was a loner. James said that aside from him all of her social contacts were really superficial. That nobody else in her life would have noticed that she left town and never contacted them again. She didn't have close friends like that. But she was close to James. Very close. And I think the people who screened her didn't realize that."
"You say recruit and screen, did James have information about that?"
"No, and I don't actually know that's what happened, but it makes sense. She told him she was getting a chance to work in the neurology field. Working with memory and storage. She was going to have a job that paid for her to go to college as she worked with them. There would have been a screening process. It would have looked like a typical job application, interview system, right? But they would have been looking for people with an interest in this field, along with no strong social ties. That fits with JJ and with the brief description of Steve that we found."
"Why though?"
"Want my best guess?" Claude asked. "I think they were running experiments using Dane's technology. They needed people who were interested in the field so they would be more willing to work with them and they needed people with no ties just incase things went bad."
"Or went exactly how they wanted them to go." Alice interjected.
"What?" Marsha asked.
"Think about it, what if the experiment they were running was how effective a complete wipe and rewrite of memory could be? They recruit people with no ties, erase and reset, then place them in another part of the country. Sort of a witness protection, but the protection is for whoever wiped their memory in the first place. It's what Dane was worried about when the CIA first came calling. That they'd try to use the technology to extract a confession and then wipe any memory of how they got it. Enhanced interrogation, torture, with no represcussion."
"But why would they then send JJ to you? That seems like a bad idea."
"I don't think they did. Not on purpose. They 'created' Jean by overwriting Joanna, but Joanna was still there. Memory is part of who we are, and it's like shorthand, we tell people things about us by what we remember, but you did those things for more complicated reasons than just the memory reveals. Like I go and get chocolate ice cream every July 3rd. If I were to share with you a memory of that day, you would see it's a tradition. But why is it a tradition? What started it? And if you erased every memory I had of getting chocolate ice cream on July 3rd, would I still go get ice cream?"
Claude was nodding along, "Ask yourself, why are you on the police force? What memory led you there?"
Marsha thought for a little bit. "I don't know that I can point to one thing. I've sort of always known that this is what I wanted to do. I want to help people, I want to answer questions, I want to be a force of good in the world, yes, I know it sounds corny, but that's the truth."
"Right. And JJ would have had the same drive. They took away her memories, but they didn't take away who she was. Not really. So when she saw the ad for Memory Lane she would have found the idea interesting. I think it was an oversight on their part that she came to work for us."
"But who are they?"
"That's the big question isn't it?" Claude shrugged.
"We should probably fill Dane in on all of this. See if he has any ideas."
"We asked him if he would be willing to meet with you as well. I'm sure there are things you might want to follow up on."
Marsha nodded, "Thank you. I need to go through these notes and then I think that would be a good idea. What about the other missing person, Steve? Right? Were you able to find out his friend's contact information?"
Claude shook his head. "No, I've tried to reach out to him on the boards but haven't gotten any response. And I can't track the user to a person. It's been bounced around and masked. Honestly I don't know anything about Steve's friend at all. I keep using he, but for all I know they could be a woman. It's really hidden and they've been really vague about who they are."
"Why would they do that?"
"It's normal for these types of boards on this part of the web. I mean, you would have be to really good at what you do to be able to ever track my username back to me. There really is no point in having a hidden part of the web if you weren't hiding right?"
Marsha shrugged. It went against something in the very core of her being. The hiding. The avoiding. It felt like a crime was being committed just by being secretive. "But James was different?"
"Yeah, he wasn't trying to hide who he was. The username he was using and the direct line in to the boards was more like a beacon. He wanted help and he wanted people to be able to find him and see who he was. He was hoping that if he was open someone who knew something would trust him enough to share."
"So, the basic tendency in this world is to be secretive but the way to gain trust is by being an open book? That doesn't seem like it makes sense."
"And because of that for a lot of people what James did would have scared them off. Being too open looks like a trap. I actually tracked him in other areas for awhile before I ever showed the information to Dane or to you. So yeah, being really open doesn't make sense, unless you are really desperate."
"And did James seem desperate to you?"
Alice shook her head, "When he was first posting he was, but not now. He seemed resigned to me. He even said he had accepted that Joanna was probably dead. That she wouldn't have just stopped contacting him. I think whoever recruited her didn't pay enough attention to the relationship with James. They assumed no current boyfriend, no living family meant no strong social contacts. She was a loner. James said that aside from him all of her social contacts were really superficial. That nobody else in her life would have noticed that she left town and never contacted them again. She didn't have close friends like that. But she was close to James. Very close. And I think the people who screened her didn't realize that."
"You say recruit and screen, did James have information about that?"
"No, and I don't actually know that's what happened, but it makes sense. She told him she was getting a chance to work in the neurology field. Working with memory and storage. She was going to have a job that paid for her to go to college as she worked with them. There would have been a screening process. It would have looked like a typical job application, interview system, right? But they would have been looking for people with an interest in this field, along with no strong social ties. That fits with JJ and with the brief description of Steve that we found."
"Why though?"
"Want my best guess?" Claude asked. "I think they were running experiments using Dane's technology. They needed people who were interested in the field so they would be more willing to work with them and they needed people with no ties just incase things went bad."
"Or went exactly how they wanted them to go." Alice interjected.
"What?" Marsha asked.
"Think about it, what if the experiment they were running was how effective a complete wipe and rewrite of memory could be? They recruit people with no ties, erase and reset, then place them in another part of the country. Sort of a witness protection, but the protection is for whoever wiped their memory in the first place. It's what Dane was worried about when the CIA first came calling. That they'd try to use the technology to extract a confession and then wipe any memory of how they got it. Enhanced interrogation, torture, with no represcussion."
"But why would they then send JJ to you? That seems like a bad idea."
"I don't think they did. Not on purpose. They 'created' Jean by overwriting Joanna, but Joanna was still there. Memory is part of who we are, and it's like shorthand, we tell people things about us by what we remember, but you did those things for more complicated reasons than just the memory reveals. Like I go and get chocolate ice cream every July 3rd. If I were to share with you a memory of that day, you would see it's a tradition. But why is it a tradition? What started it? And if you erased every memory I had of getting chocolate ice cream on July 3rd, would I still go get ice cream?"
Claude was nodding along, "Ask yourself, why are you on the police force? What memory led you there?"
Marsha thought for a little bit. "I don't know that I can point to one thing. I've sort of always known that this is what I wanted to do. I want to help people, I want to answer questions, I want to be a force of good in the world, yes, I know it sounds corny, but that's the truth."
"Right. And JJ would have had the same drive. They took away her memories, but they didn't take away who she was. Not really. So when she saw the ad for Memory Lane she would have found the idea interesting. I think it was an oversight on their part that she came to work for us."
"But who are they?"
"That's the big question isn't it?" Claude shrugged.
"We should probably fill Dane in on all of this. See if he has any ideas."
Thursday, July 11, 2019
Memory Lane (Part Eighteen)....
James walked out of work and ran right into a woman racing down the sidewalk. She ended up sprawled on the ground with a stack of books spread around her.
"Oh my god, I am so sorry. Let me help you! Are you okay?"
He started to gather her things back up and placed them on top of the mailbox outside the door.
"Oh no it was my fault. I was in a hurry and didn't see you coming out the door. Thank you." She held out her hand for him to help her stand up.
James felt the paper between their hands as she grasped his, she stumbled forward just a bit as she got to her feet then she whispered to him through clenched teeth, "Do me a favor and don't open that note until you're a few blocks away."
She dusted herself off and picked up the stack of books James had created. "Sorry again. And thank you."
James slipped his hand into his coat pocket and started his walk home. He wasn't sure what had just happened, but playing along for a little bit wouldn't hurt he didn't think. If nothing else it might make for a good story.
When he was a few blocks away from work he reached into his pocket and pulled out the note.
She raised her hand and waved it. "I'm bringing over my friend Claude, together we can explain a little bit more. But what we really need from you is information. I'm hopeful we can patch together what we know and what you know and maybe figure out what happened."
"Oh my god, I am so sorry. Let me help you! Are you okay?"
He started to gather her things back up and placed them on top of the mailbox outside the door.
"Oh no it was my fault. I was in a hurry and didn't see you coming out the door. Thank you." She held out her hand for him to help her stand up.
James felt the paper between their hands as she grasped his, she stumbled forward just a bit as she got to her feet then she whispered to him through clenched teeth, "Do me a favor and don't open that note until you're a few blocks away."
She dusted herself off and picked up the stack of books James had created. "Sorry again. And thank you."
James slipped his hand into his coat pocket and started his walk home. He wasn't sure what had just happened, but playing along for a little bit wouldn't hurt he didn't think. If nothing else it might make for a good story.
When he was a few blocks away from work he reached into his pocket and pulled out the note.
I need to ask you some questions about Joanna.
Please meet me in Lincoln Park by the fountain.
I'll return your cell phone when you get there.
When he read the last line he reached into his other coat pocket to grab his phone and sure enough it was gone. Son of a bitch, how had she done that? And Joanna? She wanted to talk about Joanna? Now his mind was reeling. He had already become paranoid about her disappearance. There had been too much around it already, but now this? Well if he wanted his phone back he guessed he needed to head to the park. And honestly just mentioning Joanna would have been enough.
He spotted her sitting on a park bench near the fountain. She was reading one of the books she had been carrying. Not looking at all like the mugger she was.
"Do you mind?" he asked.
"Oh no. Go ahead have a seat." she smiled at him.
"Oh no. Go ahead have a seat." she smiled at him.
"I meant, do you mind giving me back my phone?"
She handed him a small bag. "Your phone is inside and if you don't mind I'd like you to keep it in there while we talk. Just to be safe."
"Who the hell are you?"
"Oh, right, sorry. I'm Dr. Alice Boxman but you can call me Alice."
"Okay, Alice, what do you know about Joanna and why is my phone in a bag?"
She raised her hand and waved it. "I'm bringing over my friend Claude, together we can explain a little bit more. But what we really need from you is information. I'm hopeful we can patch together what we know and what you know and maybe figure out what happened."
"What happened?"
"That's what we are trying to figure out. Hello, James, I'm Claude. Alice and I worked with Joanna, though we knew her as Jean. I found your missing persons notice on...well online and thought we should chat."
"You knew her as Jean? Why was she using a different name when she worked with you? And where is she now?" As soon as he asked he saw the answer in Alice's eyes.
"Oh."
She reached out and patted his knee, "I am so sorry."
He shook his head, "I honestly figured she had to be. I mean she would have contacted me by now if she wasn't. It's been too long. She would never have just abandoned me not even for a job. Especially not for a job. So tell me, what is it you do? I mean you must be something in the government with all of the spy moves right?"
Alice laughed a little, "Not exactly. We're just a little paranoid about being followed. Claude had the idea to block your phone just incase you were being tracked. That's the bag. It blocks your GPS. You can keep it if you want."
"But you got my phone in the first place."
"Oh that was easy. In college one of my professors wanted to show how easy it was to manipulate what people think they are seeing, and what they remember seeing. He used magic tricks. Misdirection. I thought it was great and so learned some tricks myself. Pickpocketing is all part of the show."
"A professor taught you how to pickpocket in college? What sort of Dickensian Institute did you go to?"
Claude laughed at that, "Nice. I think Johns Hopkins should add that to their brochures."
Alice smiled, "I'm a neurobiologist."
"Wait, what?"
"Neurobiologist, it's a person who..."
"I know what one is. That's what Joanna wanted to study. That's why she was so excited about this new job. She would be working in the field and they promised her tuition help."
"I thought you didn't know where she went to work? The police report said you didn't know."
"You tracked the report?"
"You posted about it on the board. It was easy enough to find."
"Right. Okay, so you are one of those that doesn't just use the boards, you hack the world."
Claude shrugged, "A little of this, a little of that. I'm not full time in research, I dabble. But it keeps me entertained. The information in the world is like the neural pathway in the brain. Just little jolts of electricity storing everything we need."
"Right, now you sound like Joanna again. She was always talking like that."
Alice and Claude exchanged a quick glance and she nodded, "Tell us everything you know."
Wednesday, July 10, 2019
Memory Lane (Part Seventeen)...
Detective Marsha Green looked around the room as Dr. Dane Lane shut the door behind her. She briefly wondered if she should be more worried than she was, after all she was in a strange room with two men she barely knew, who had made her leave her cell phone outside before letting her come in. But then again, they didn't make her leave her gun behind, just the phone. She felt like she still had the advantage.
"Detective Green? This is Dr. Claude Lauzon, he is the one who found the information about Jean not being who we thought she was."
"Nice to meet you, please call me Claude. I only use Doctor Lauzon when meeting friends of my mother."
"Then please call me Marsha. Since I'm working off the record right now that seems appropriate."
"And I'm Dane. So now we're all squared away. Claude? Will you show Detect...I mean Marsha what else you've found since we put together the folder."
Claude walked over to a workstation he had set up and opened a webpage. "This is the board that I first found information about JJ's disappearance."
"JJ?"
"Yeah, sorry. I've started thinking about Jean as JJ since her real name seems to have been Joanna and calling her Jean/Joanna didn't seem efficient."
"Gotcha." Marsha motioned that he should continue.
"So this is the board. You can see the address here," he pointed to the printout he had made for Dane and Marsha. "But if you look now, that whole thread is gone."
"Okay...."
"This board has a strict no delete policy. A lot of alternative sites do it. It's to keep people honest. You agree not to delete what you've posted to keep down the incidents of gaslighting. No gaslighting, less fighting, more transparency, less bullshit. This is a strict no deletions board."
"But they deleted it?"
"The OP didn't and the board owners say they didn't. Here." Claude handed them each a print out of a new thread. It was discussion about the deleted post. "This is gone now too."
"So somebody is deleting these posts."
"They haven't found these yet though." Claude closed the window he had been showing them and opened another one.
"Who is they?"
Claude shrugged, "Best guess? The government. But really nobody here knows either. There are a few theories, most of them are not worth following but this is interesting."
Claude highlighted a response thread for Marsha and Dane to review. It seems like JJ wasn't the only odd disappearance. There was a photo of a young man who had sent word to a friend that he was starting a new job in his city and that he wanted to get together for drinks or dinner soon. His friend had never heard back from him, which he wasn't too suspicious about at first. It happens, people say let's get together and then never follow through, but when he tried to contact him about another mutual friend he got nothing but bounceback messages from his email. Then he tried calling and his phone had been disconnected. He tried backing in to his old home address and he had moved out as scheduled, but there was no forwarding information left with the landlord. He had tapped into the post office records and found they didn't have a forwarding address for him either. Then he posted on a missing persons board. And his post was deleted. He posted again and it was deleted again. Over and over.
"So missing persons who somebody wants to stay missing?"
"Yeah. JJ and Steve here have a few things in common, no family, only tenuous ties to friends, an ex-boyfriend in JJ's case and a casual friend in Steve's. And a recent new job. So nobody to look for them, or notice they are even gone."
Dane rubbed his face, "Well that's not creepy at all is it?"
"Back up just a bit for me. This guy here was able to tap into the Post Office records?"
Claude smiled at Marsha, "This isn't like a Facebook group. To be able to even find this part of the web, let alone post on one of these boards, you have to be pretty well versed in computers and the internet. And how to find things."
"So you're all a bunch of hackers?"
"You say that like it's a bad thing."
"Well..."
Claude smiled again. "I see from your point of view that it might be. But there are a lot of people in the world who don't like closed doors and so they work to open them. It's why Dane and I became doctors, and it's how Dane became really stinking rich. Opening doors. I just branch out, not just neurobiology but a little of this as well..." Claude motioned toward the computer screen.
There was a knock on the door.
Dane glanced at his watch, "That would be Alice."
Claude got up and opened the door, "Alice, have you met Marsha?"
"Yes, we met briefly when Jean was...well...yes. We've met. Detective." Alice nodded toward Marsha.
"Please call me Marsha." she turned toward Dane, "Is there anyone else that you've brought in to this loop?"
"Gloria knows what I know, well except for what we just learned. And my wife knows that there is something troubling about California and Jean but nothing specific."
"Okay. So what next?"
"I think we need to contact JJ's ex-boyfriend."
"I think you're right, Alice. Claude what do you think? On this board?"
"No, I think someone should meet him in person. Intercept him at work, not prescheduled, not posted about, no heads up given."
Marsha scowled, "Just blindside him?"
Claude nodded, "Yeah, I would bet he's been tagged. I mean, look at this, they stopped the police looking in to the missing person's report he filed, they've tracked his web presence enough to find him posting on the other site and deleting those, you know they have to have tapped his phone and are possibly following him as well. I think we send one of us to him and try our best to have a conversation with him that isn't tracked."
Marsha just shook her head. She wasn't sure how she had ended up in a spy thriller but here she was. "So who do we send?"
Dane held up his hands, "Probably not me, I'm too recognizable as the head of Memory Lane. I wouldn't think you, for the same reason, your face is known as the investigating officer. Gloria might be a good choice but she's got a pretty packed schedule with the kids. Claude? Alice? One of you?"
Alice nodded, "I think both of us. Claude can speak this type of geek more fluently than I can. He can explain how we found him and why we want to talk to him. But I think I would be less suspicious in first contact. I don't think I've been on anyone's radar."
"Claude? You okay going?"
"Hell yeah. I would have insisted if Alice hadn't suggested it. Let me do a little back tracking here to lock in his schedule and then we will go."
Masha scowled again, "Do I even want to know how you are going to do that?"
Claude smiled, "Probably not."
"Detective Green? This is Dr. Claude Lauzon, he is the one who found the information about Jean not being who we thought she was."
"Nice to meet you, please call me Claude. I only use Doctor Lauzon when meeting friends of my mother."
"Then please call me Marsha. Since I'm working off the record right now that seems appropriate."
"And I'm Dane. So now we're all squared away. Claude? Will you show Detect...I mean Marsha what else you've found since we put together the folder."
Claude walked over to a workstation he had set up and opened a webpage. "This is the board that I first found information about JJ's disappearance."
"JJ?"
"Yeah, sorry. I've started thinking about Jean as JJ since her real name seems to have been Joanna and calling her Jean/Joanna didn't seem efficient."
"Gotcha." Marsha motioned that he should continue.
"So this is the board. You can see the address here," he pointed to the printout he had made for Dane and Marsha. "But if you look now, that whole thread is gone."
"Okay...."
"This board has a strict no delete policy. A lot of alternative sites do it. It's to keep people honest. You agree not to delete what you've posted to keep down the incidents of gaslighting. No gaslighting, less fighting, more transparency, less bullshit. This is a strict no deletions board."
"But they deleted it?"
"The OP didn't and the board owners say they didn't. Here." Claude handed them each a print out of a new thread. It was discussion about the deleted post. "This is gone now too."
"So somebody is deleting these posts."
"They haven't found these yet though." Claude closed the window he had been showing them and opened another one.
"Who is they?"
Claude shrugged, "Best guess? The government. But really nobody here knows either. There are a few theories, most of them are not worth following but this is interesting."
Claude highlighted a response thread for Marsha and Dane to review. It seems like JJ wasn't the only odd disappearance. There was a photo of a young man who had sent word to a friend that he was starting a new job in his city and that he wanted to get together for drinks or dinner soon. His friend had never heard back from him, which he wasn't too suspicious about at first. It happens, people say let's get together and then never follow through, but when he tried to contact him about another mutual friend he got nothing but bounceback messages from his email. Then he tried calling and his phone had been disconnected. He tried backing in to his old home address and he had moved out as scheduled, but there was no forwarding information left with the landlord. He had tapped into the post office records and found they didn't have a forwarding address for him either. Then he posted on a missing persons board. And his post was deleted. He posted again and it was deleted again. Over and over.
"So missing persons who somebody wants to stay missing?"
"Yeah. JJ and Steve here have a few things in common, no family, only tenuous ties to friends, an ex-boyfriend in JJ's case and a casual friend in Steve's. And a recent new job. So nobody to look for them, or notice they are even gone."
Dane rubbed his face, "Well that's not creepy at all is it?"
"Back up just a bit for me. This guy here was able to tap into the Post Office records?"
Claude smiled at Marsha, "This isn't like a Facebook group. To be able to even find this part of the web, let alone post on one of these boards, you have to be pretty well versed in computers and the internet. And how to find things."
"So you're all a bunch of hackers?"
"You say that like it's a bad thing."
"Well..."
Claude smiled again. "I see from your point of view that it might be. But there are a lot of people in the world who don't like closed doors and so they work to open them. It's why Dane and I became doctors, and it's how Dane became really stinking rich. Opening doors. I just branch out, not just neurobiology but a little of this as well..." Claude motioned toward the computer screen.
There was a knock on the door.
Dane glanced at his watch, "That would be Alice."
Claude got up and opened the door, "Alice, have you met Marsha?"
"Yes, we met briefly when Jean was...well...yes. We've met. Detective." Alice nodded toward Marsha.
"Please call me Marsha." she turned toward Dane, "Is there anyone else that you've brought in to this loop?"
"Gloria knows what I know, well except for what we just learned. And my wife knows that there is something troubling about California and Jean but nothing specific."
"Okay. So what next?"
"I think we need to contact JJ's ex-boyfriend."
"I think you're right, Alice. Claude what do you think? On this board?"
"No, I think someone should meet him in person. Intercept him at work, not prescheduled, not posted about, no heads up given."
Marsha scowled, "Just blindside him?"
Claude nodded, "Yeah, I would bet he's been tagged. I mean, look at this, they stopped the police looking in to the missing person's report he filed, they've tracked his web presence enough to find him posting on the other site and deleting those, you know they have to have tapped his phone and are possibly following him as well. I think we send one of us to him and try our best to have a conversation with him that isn't tracked."
Marsha just shook her head. She wasn't sure how she had ended up in a spy thriller but here she was. "So who do we send?"
Dane held up his hands, "Probably not me, I'm too recognizable as the head of Memory Lane. I wouldn't think you, for the same reason, your face is known as the investigating officer. Gloria might be a good choice but she's got a pretty packed schedule with the kids. Claude? Alice? One of you?"
Alice nodded, "I think both of us. Claude can speak this type of geek more fluently than I can. He can explain how we found him and why we want to talk to him. But I think I would be less suspicious in first contact. I don't think I've been on anyone's radar."
"Claude? You okay going?"
"Hell yeah. I would have insisted if Alice hadn't suggested it. Let me do a little back tracking here to lock in his schedule and then we will go."
Masha scowled again, "Do I even want to know how you are going to do that?"
Claude smiled, "Probably not."
Tuesday, July 9, 2019
Memory Lane (Part Sixteen)...
"Why are you bringing me this information? I was under the impression that you didn't much care for me." Detective Green watched Dr. Lane's face as he answered.
"I believe the feeling was or is mutual?"
"Fair enough. But again, why are you bringing me this information then?"
"Because I think you don't like me for all the right reasons."
Detective Green raised her eyebrows at that. "Excuse me?"
"I mean, I believe that you don't like me because you think I had something to do with Jean's death. Or if not something to do with it, I bear some sort of responsibility for it. And for the death of the woman in California."
"Samantha."
Dane looked confused, "Samantha?"
"Her name. The woman in California. The California case. Her name. She has a name. She had a life. Her name was Samantha."
Dane nodded, "And that's why I'm bringing you this information."
"Okay, and now my next question. Why are you bringing it to me here?" She gestured out at the park.
"I want you to be able to look this all over. I want you to see what you think. But I don't necessarily want it to be in your office. Or to have been transmitted by email. Or by phone. I want YOU to see this. Not anyone who might be watching you."
"You think I'm being watched?"
"I don't know if you are or if you aren't. But I think I am. I think my office is. I think there is someone out there that is working to bury all of the information they can about this. I don't think you're part of that, but I'm not sure about everyone you work with. So we meet here."
Detective Green nodded. She wasn't sure if Dane Lane was paranoid, but she also wasn't sure that he wasn't right. The fact that an agency had taken over her investigation without even a courtesy call, let alone a briefing had not been sitting well with her. It wasn't the way things were done. She opened the folder and began looking through the information.
Dane watched her reading for a moment then started scanning the park. They had picked this meeting place at the last minute. He didn't think there would be anyone here listening in, but Claude had made him feel a little exposed.
"Have you contacted this boyfriend yet?"
"Not yet. I wanted to talk to you first. To see what you thought."
"I think I want to be there when you contact him. I think I want to bring him in for questioning. I think I want to know why Joanna came to you thinking she was Jean. I think I want to know why this case was dropped. And I think I want to talk to Claude."
Dane smiled then.
"What?"
"I just like to be right. Especially about people. There is a post it note on the last page in the folder with an address and a time. We will see you then."
And with that Dane got up and walked away.
Marsha opened her phone and called the precinct. "Yes, this is Detective Green, patch me through to the commander please. Thank you.... Charles? Yes, it's Marsha. I'm going to need to take a few days off to deal with some family issues....Okay...no...nothing right now. The Memory Lane case was my only responsibility and since...yeah...Federal Assholes right?... Okay....Okay...yeah...A week? ...no, it's nothing to worry about, I don't think, I just need to see to some things...You know how it is...Thanks."
She picked up the file and looked around the park. Then she took a different route back to her car from the one she took to get here. She wasn't saying she was paranoid, but she wasn't saying it wasn't the right thing to do either.
"I believe the feeling was or is mutual?"
"Fair enough. But again, why are you bringing me this information then?"
"Because I think you don't like me for all the right reasons."
Detective Green raised her eyebrows at that. "Excuse me?"
"I mean, I believe that you don't like me because you think I had something to do with Jean's death. Or if not something to do with it, I bear some sort of responsibility for it. And for the death of the woman in California."
"Samantha."
Dane looked confused, "Samantha?"
"Her name. The woman in California. The California case. Her name. She has a name. She had a life. Her name was Samantha."
Dane nodded, "And that's why I'm bringing you this information."
"Okay, and now my next question. Why are you bringing it to me here?" She gestured out at the park.
"I want you to be able to look this all over. I want you to see what you think. But I don't necessarily want it to be in your office. Or to have been transmitted by email. Or by phone. I want YOU to see this. Not anyone who might be watching you."
"You think I'm being watched?"
"I don't know if you are or if you aren't. But I think I am. I think my office is. I think there is someone out there that is working to bury all of the information they can about this. I don't think you're part of that, but I'm not sure about everyone you work with. So we meet here."
Detective Green nodded. She wasn't sure if Dane Lane was paranoid, but she also wasn't sure that he wasn't right. The fact that an agency had taken over her investigation without even a courtesy call, let alone a briefing had not been sitting well with her. It wasn't the way things were done. She opened the folder and began looking through the information.
Dane watched her reading for a moment then started scanning the park. They had picked this meeting place at the last minute. He didn't think there would be anyone here listening in, but Claude had made him feel a little exposed.
"Have you contacted this boyfriend yet?"
"Not yet. I wanted to talk to you first. To see what you thought."
"I think I want to be there when you contact him. I think I want to bring him in for questioning. I think I want to know why Joanna came to you thinking she was Jean. I think I want to know why this case was dropped. And I think I want to talk to Claude."
Dane smiled then.
"What?"
"I just like to be right. Especially about people. There is a post it note on the last page in the folder with an address and a time. We will see you then."
And with that Dane got up and walked away.
Marsha opened her phone and called the precinct. "Yes, this is Detective Green, patch me through to the commander please. Thank you.... Charles? Yes, it's Marsha. I'm going to need to take a few days off to deal with some family issues....Okay...no...nothing right now. The Memory Lane case was my only responsibility and since...yeah...Federal Assholes right?... Okay....Okay...yeah...A week? ...no, it's nothing to worry about, I don't think, I just need to see to some things...You know how it is...Thanks."
She picked up the file and looked around the park. Then she took a different route back to her car from the one she took to get here. She wasn't saying she was paranoid, but she wasn't saying it wasn't the right thing to do either.
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