And the Clock Starts Again...

When I wrote the blog yesterday talking about mourning I had no idea what was still to come.

As most of you know we got the call last night that Brent's mother had passed. We didn't even get a full year to process the grief of losing my mother before getting pushed right back to the start with his. It seems unfair. And it is unfair. And it's life. Or death I guess more accurately.

We were getting dinner ready when Brent's phone rang. He put it on speaker when he answered and as soon as I heard, "This is David" I was crying. Because there is no reason for David to be calling us unless his mother couldn't. I guess I could have started out optimistic that Ann was just sick, but I didn't. And she wasn't.

As best as we can tell right now she got sick on Monday or maybe Tuesday and most likely died sometime on Wednesday evening or Thursday though the official date of death will probably be Friday because that's when they found her.

She had called a friend on Tuesday and asked her to pick up groceries for her because she wasn't feeling well. On Wednesday her friend dropped them off. She said Ann was sick, was very pale, she had flu symptoms, but didn't want to go to the hospital. Just wanted to rest and get better. When she called on Thursday to check on her she didn't answer the phone. She asked the police to do a wellness check and the police told her they did one but she had given them the wrong address. Which is just crazy to me. If they did the wellness check and got there and it was the wrong house why wouldn't they call right then and say something? But they didn't. They waited for her friend to call them back and ask about the check. By Friday afternoon when Ann still wasn't answering her friend went to the house to check on her herself. She and the property manager for Ann's community were able to get a back window open, her friend crawled through and found Ann's body.

She said it looked like it was sudden. That there wasn't any sign that Ann had struggled. So I guess that's good.

I mean. At least it was as peaceful as it could be. That's the sort of thing you hold on to.

We are heading to NM on Monday to start handling things. I'm not sure how long it's going to take. We are dealing with Covid restrictions on top of being from out of state. A friend of ours who had to go through all of this with her own mother has been a great source of help, as well as internet searches for What To Do When...

When Jack died Brent helped his mother through the process but she was there to say this is where that is, this is who that is, this is what we have. I didn't have to do this when my mother and father died. My siblings handled everything. And there wasn't as much to handle. No house or car to deal with. It all just moved from Dad to Mom then from Mom to them. But still there was all of the paperwork. And we will have all of the paperwork but not sure how to get all of the forms when the city is shut down.

It's a challenge.

But there is nothing to do but put our heads down and deal with it.

It's also the undoing of all of our own social isolating, and distancing. We are flying. We are going to be in contact with multiple people. We are going to be out and about instead of tucked up safely at home. We can't keep ourselves away from others so we are going to have to be super careful to try not to spread the virus. So the Corora Chronicles are meeting the Grief Chronicles again. In the worst possible way.

I don't know if they will automatically test her for Covid or if they will just put the cause of death down as natural causes. We could ask for an autopsy but the medical examiner let us know that they are facing a large backlog and without the police pushing for one we would be looking at a long time before it was done. I don't think Brent has the stomach to wait. We will never actually know what her last moments were like no matter what happens, so I think we will go with died suddenly with no struggle.

So we've got the points of reference again. Jack (Brent's father) had a massive heart attack and died very young when we were not expecting it and it was awful. My father died after years of being sick and in ailing health and we were expecting it and it was awful. My mother died at the end of a long illness, when she decided to die, we waited for her to pass for a month expecting it every day, and it was awful. Brent's mother was fine when we talked to her just two weeks ago and now she's gone, and it's awful.

There is no way to lose a parent that isn't awful.

And again, for anyone playing along at home who has been confused all of this time about my stance on Covid only being deadly for the elderly and those with pre-existing conditions, fuck anyone who says that like it makes it not so bad. It's awful. She was in the high risk group. It looks right now like she caught the virus. It doesn't feel okay that it happened. It feels like we lost her decades before we expected to. So fuck anyone who says that.

I had no idea yesterday when I said I was mourning that I was just starting.

Brent has joined the adult orphan club and Christopher has become someone with no living grandparents and it's awful.

It's just awful.

Today I...

This is another one of those picture of the day cues that needed more.

Today I...

Well I could go with my normal what I do on Fridays.

I could go with what is different about my time in isolation on a Friday.

Or I could say.

Today I mourned.

That's what I'm doing today.

I'm mourning the loss of one friend a couple of weeks ago and the loss of another yesterday.

I'm mourning a country that is burning.

I'm mourning a pandemic that has taken over 100,000 Americans and over 360,000 world wide.

I'm mourning a lack of leadership.

I'm mourning.

Today I  mourned.

The friend that passed last week I had actually lost a few years ago to addiction. His overdose just made it a permanent loss. The last conversation we had wasn't a great one. And that hurts. I can't change it and honestly I wouldn't. You cannot want something for someone more than they want it for themselves. I tell people that all the time when talking about sobriety. I wanted him clean SO MUCH but he wasn't there. It didn't matter how much I desired it. Or pretended it could happen. I knew it wasn't. He knew it wasn't. I wouldn't help him use.

It's a sickness. It's a brain chemistry problem. It's a disease. I know all of these things. But I also know that you have to work for your healing. Just like you have to manage your insulin if you are a diabetic. Or take your medication if you have high blood pressure. You have to work to keep yourself well. I cannot do it for you. And just like I wouldn't give a diabetic a bag of sugar and hide their insulin I won't help someone support a drug habit.

And I feel lousy that that was the last conversation we had. Because I wanted him to get clean. I wanted him to become sober. I wanted him back in my life. I missed him. And now that's forever.

Today I mourned.

I don't know how my other friend died. I just know that he's gone. I was just thinking of him yesterday when we got the notice that our county is going to reopen from the virus shutdown. He lives..lived... across the river in Washington. We can...could...meet in Portland for lunch again soon. I was going to send him a message telling him as soon as we were able we needed to have a picnic. I didn't send it yesterday. I mean, I had all the time in the world and we weren't even able to yet.

And now he's gone. And I can't.

He and I shared a birthday. No matter where he was or I was on the 20th we'd reconnect for a just a moment. Online. In a text. On Facebook. Our Junior year of high school the first day of school was our birthday. We made it until lunchtime when we cut out and went to the mall. I mean, it was unreasonable to start school on our 16th birthday! How dare they! And my entire family had forgotten my birthday. But he didn't. Of course. How could he? It was ours.

He and I started life together. A few hours apart in hospitals across the street from each other. We went to elementary school together. We went to high school together. We hung out. We shared a birthday. My 18th birthday he stopped by my work to make sure he wished me a happy one. Then when he found out I wasn't doing anything special he made sure I came to his party. Which ended up in a funny story that I was able to share with my nephew to help him tell me about his own life.

I would get little messages from him. Jokes. Memes. Quick observations. We would chat for a minute and he'd be gone again. Today talking about his death online I saw that over and over again. So many of us would get a random HOOKER! message in the middle of the night, or day, and then whatever it was that he thought we'd like to see. I will miss that.

Today I mourned.

I'm watching the news out of Minneapolis about the riots. The riots. Because somehow I should pay attention to them. But I just don't care about them. Not in a deep way. Because nobody can tell me that a tv or a building is more important than George Floyd. George Floyd was murdered. He's another black man who is dead. Another one.

Oh and I see the pearl clutching and the I would nevers and the I don't understand it and I get that. I would never. And I don't understand it. Because I'm white. Because no matter how much struggle I've had in my life I haven't had that one. So I don't have that reservoir of anger built up. That daily grind of knowing that the first thing people see is my skin. That my parents struggled with this. That my grandparents struggled. That my great grandparents struggled. That when seeing a recording of a man kneeling on the neck of someone who looks like me there would be people saying, Well what did he do before that? Like there is ANYTHING he could have been doing that would justify that.

That there are people right now using that anger as a reason to dismiss the fact that George Floyd was murdered.

That George Floyd is not the first. He won't be the last. He's not even the only one this year. Breonna Taylor was sleeping in her bed when she was murdered. So what did she do? She went home and went to bed. Then she died. Ahmaud Arbery was jogging. And it wasn't even the police with him, just some dudes in his neighborhood. Who felt like it was their right to chase him down and kill him. And they would have gotten away with it completely if they hadn't been so cocky and confident in their whiteness as to have a friend FUCKING RECORD THE WHOLE GODDAMN THING.

No, I don't understand it. Because I haven't lived it. I'm angry enough witnessing it in my life. But to live it? To have it be a part of your every day. Your struggle. I understand anger. I understand anger at things you have no control over. I was abused as a kid. For a few years. Just a few. And it is still a part of me. Now imagine that being all of your years. And all of the years of every generation before you. And all of the people around you.

So yeah, you don't get it. Count your lucky stars. Now listen to those that get it. That live it. That are dealing with it all the time. Their anger is righteous. Your dismissiveness is adding to it. Listen. And be angry with them.

If you were able to see a large group of heavily armed white people screaming about their haircuts and their need to reopen businesses and think that somehow they were being oppressed and say, yeah, two months is too long and not see that slavery to Jim Crow to Redlining to "What did he do before he was murdered" for hundreds of years would make someone SO MAD THEY COULD EXPLODE I don't know what to tell you.

Today I mourned.

We're in the middle of a pandemic. And you know that struggle I mentioned above? Add that to it. Yes, we are all susceptible to the virus, but it's hitting communities of color much harder. Because of the racism. Seriously. Worse health care, so there are more underlying conditions. Fewer jobs that are in the "Able to work from home" category so more chances to be infected. Angry? Yeah, how would you not be angry when you saw that even a virus attacked you harder?

And I've talked about it before. I HATE the dismissiveness of the "elderly and sick" argument. Like shaving a decade from Grandma's life is cool. Or multiple decades from someone with asthma. It's positively barbaric to look at life like that. Like we are culling the herd.

I hate that people want to argue about wearing masks. Or sitting 6 feet away from someone. Or that we need to do contact tracing to try to stop the spread. Or that rant above where people think that they are being oppressed by taking care of each other. Fuck you.

Today I mourned.

We have no leadership. We are rudderless. He is tossing red meat to his base and it's disgusting. That's not leadership that's...I don't know what that is. But fucking vote in November to get him out of our house because we can't do another four years.

We can't.

Today I mourned.

End Of May? (The Corona Chronicles)

Yes, I know it's been awhile.

And then again, I don't have any idea how long it's been.

We have reached a point where time is just not even a real thing.

At the beginning (for me) it seemed like time had slowed to barely a crawl. Now it's just flying by. It will be Monday then BOOM Saturday. I have a lot more days where I have to look at a calendar to see what the actual day of the week is. It's crazy.

So let's see, where are we...

We have completely made the virus a political issue. Which, it always has trended that way in the US, but we are fully there now. Wearing a mask is the latest party/virtue signal.

The CDC started out the pandemic saying, don't wear a mask, it won't protect you. Then they changed to hey, wear a mask, it actually stops the spread FROM you to others. That's the way science works. When you get new information recommendations change. So now the recommendation is wear a mask, not to protect you, but to protect others.

But the president won't wear one. So his base doesn't want to wear them either.

We are also at the reopening stages from shutting the country down to prevent the spread and flatten the curve.

Except most of the country didn't actually do what it should have in that shut down time.

The shut down was to prevent an overwhelmed healthcare system and to get testing and the ability to quarantine and contact trace in place. That didn't happen. We just shut things down and now are opening them back up.

We took two different ways of handling the virus outbreak (isolating and herd immunity) and combined them into the worst of both.

Really.

By shutting things down the economy crashed. And since we are Americans dammit, we didn't want to protect workers by paying them to not go to work. Or to actually protect small businesses from having to close. We did the minimum. Other countries paid workers 80% of their salaries while they stayed home. Sure, it's not everything, but it's enough not to starve. We didn't do that. So we crashed the economy. Which is bad. We are going to have a lot of smaller businesses that just aren't going to make it. Which is bad. We have a handful of larger companies that aren't making it either.

Though you have to wonder why with the big ones. I mean they have been the recipient of massive tax cuts and regulation relaxation which were supposed to be super beneficial to them and they couldn't handle a month worth of slow down. It's almost like they didn't really handle that extra money in a way that was growing the company or protecting its workers and was just a way to give big bonuses to their execs or stock dividends to their shareholders...hunh.

Anyway...so we did the isolation thing without the protections so we crashed the economy and now we are reopening everything without the extra testing and contact tracing that would be needed to do it responsibly.

We are basically doing what we were doing in March before it was decided that we needed to shut down. We are letting people just go out in the world where the virus is still running unchecked and spreading it again. There won't be a vaccine until next year sometime, and if you think everyone is going to rush right out and get it you haven't been paying attention to the anti-vaxxers who won't get any vaccines and the fringers who believe that the vaccine is just an excuse for Bill Gates to put a tracker in your body. You know instead of just checking your phone locations...

And because we've turned it into a political test we aren't even all consistently following the basics that would keep the spread low. Wear a mask to keep the virus with you if you have it. Which you can have it and not know. Either because you are an asymptomatic carrier (which a percentage of the population seems to be, but without randomized testing we don't really know what that percent is) or because you've just recently gotten infected and aren't showing the signs yet. Which is standard with most viruses. You started shedding the virus (are contagious) before you even know you are sick.

Wear your mask to protect others.
Wash your hands to protect yourself.
Keep up with social distancing and isolating to stop the spread.
Those are the basics.

But as I was worried about at the beginning of May (which for those of you keeping track happened either yesterday or three years ago) the loudest assholes got their way and the country is not only opening but opening recklessly. Crowds at bars and restaurants. Pool parties with crowds drinking and partying together. Churches swearing that there is no way God can hear them pray unless they are able to pass a collection plate (I MEAN unless they are all crammed together in one location). So keep yourself safe because the powers that be are not going to work in that direction.

Wear your mask to protect others.
Wash your hands to protect yourself.
Maintain that distancing as much as you can to stop the spread.

We're lucky. Christopher's office has decided to work from home until September (though he's already had it so he should be safe). Brent's company is going to slowly roll out coming back in to the office and he's not in the first or even second wave of those going back. I'm still able to get out to run any errands we need run with a system of my own that I think helps keep the possibility of getting infected and spreading the virus to others at a minimum.

I expect to be infected at some point in time. The vaccine isn't coming for awhile. We are in a rush to get reopened and the people who are refusing to wear masks (which AGAIN you wear to stop yourself from spreading the virus) are also the people who want to GO EVERYWHERE and DO EVERYTHING and think this whole thing is overblown and some sort of world wide plot against Trump and so they are going to get infected and spread it to a lot of people. The more points of contact they have, the longer they are in contact with people, the bigger the spread. So yeah, I expect to catch it. I just hope I don't spread it.

So here we are at the end of May.

Wear your mask.
Wash your hands.
Take care of each other because we really need more of that.

I Miss... (A Side Quest of the Corona Chronicles)

That's the prompt for today's picture of the day.

Yes, I'm doing it again. But just for this month. FMS did a monthly Isolation prompt and I thought it would be kind of interesting to capture things with that filter on.

Today is I Miss...

I'm having a hard time with it. First off how do you take a picture of something you miss? If you are missing it you don't have it so you can't very well take a picture of it. And she already had a throwback prompt so using another previously taken picture doesn't sit well with me. Though I was pleased that I was able to tie the throwback into the Iso situation...

But now all of that fat and sassy is draining away as I think...I miss...

What do I miss?

Well I miss Christopher. But that's not due to Covid. That's an all the time thing. There is always a part of me that wishes he was closer. But even if we weren't on lock down this isn't a time of year we normally see him. We did last year when we back to New Mexico to see Mom...

And yes, it's been a year since the last time I saw my mother. Which was the last time I will ever see my mother. And it's Mother's Day weekend so I miss my mom. But, as those of you know who have been reading this blog for awhile, I was losing my mother for years before she passed. So missing my mother isn't tied to the pandemic either. Or new.

I miss...

We are really well suited for isolation. Brent's job is portable and working from home hasn't been perfect for him, but it's completely doable. No loss of income so we aren't stressing financially. I stay home and write and clean and read and do whatever the hell I want* all the time so I was already prepared for staying at home. No change.

We are each other's favorite companion. We do most everything together all the time anyway. We are also not super social. We're both loners who are fine being alone together. Or with C. But we live a really quiet, small, life normally. It's our preference. So I'm not missing big social gatherings. And honestly, aside from my boys a lot of the people I'm closest to have all been online more than normal because they are bored so I'm actually getting to talk to them more than I would have before the virus. They might be hating being alone but I'm liking that they are posting more. So...

I'm a good cook. And as you all know I am always thinking I should cook more because I'm a good cook. I just hate planning* so I always find a reason not to. And right now I don't have the option not to do that. So I've been cooking and we've been eating well. It's about to get trickier as the supply chain for meat is breaking down and I'm not super well versed in vegetarian cooking but I'll figure it out. I think if you were to ask Brent he'd tell you that he's liking this a lot more. We eat well, we know exactly what is going into everything we eat, and it's super easy with him working from home.

I love going to movies. Normally on Mother's Day weekend we go see the first of the season blockbusters. Some sort of action movie is usually out right about now. But we have the basement set up so well now that watching movies there is actually really nice. The screen isn't as big as a theater, the sound system isn't as good, but we never have those annoying people talking during the movie, or checking their phone screens, or kicking a seat or chewing loudly. It's really nice. So tonight we'll go downstairs and watch Extraction and that will be great.

I miss my pedicures and my haircuts. I like getting my toes done all shiny and pretty. It makes me happy. I like getting my hair cut and colored and looking pretty. I am vain about my hair. But I'm making it a game. How long will my hair be before I can get it cut again? What style might I change to since it will already be longer and I will have some other options? What color is lurking in those roots? Could I go back to my natural now? Is there enough gray? It's fun. I also get to visit with Sara online so though it will be nice to see her in person I still get to visit with her and pretend I look better for it as well, all without risking her and her family's health.

The weather is super warm this weekend. So we might have gone out early this morning and hit the zoo or the Japanese Garden or headed to the beach. But this weekend is super warm and it's Mother's Day and it's been raining on the weekends even when the week has been nice lately so EVERYONE would have headed to the zoo, or the garden or the beach so we might have decided to stick around home instead...which is what we are doing.

I could get existential. I miss thinking that when faced with an actual BIG problem we would be able to drop our tribalism and work together. I mean when you have people not wearing masks to make a political statement? Honestly...why is your political statement I don't give a fuck about anybody but myself? That's such a bad statement to make. So I miss thinking that but honestly there wasn't a huge part of me that thought that anymore. I mean when you have people actively rooting for another Civil War you have to know we are way far gone.

I could think I miss thinking that everyone on my friend list was too smart and too full of common sense to fall for Plandemic. But I've been arguing with Anti-vaxxers and Clinton Hitlist believers and fucking Birthers for years so I already knew that wasn't true. People believe some bonkers shit and there is nothing you can do except shake your head. And call them names when they can't hear you. Allegedly.

So what do I miss?

*Hmmm...what is this?

Oh there it is. I miss options. I might choose to do the same, or close to it anyway, even when this is all over but I'd like to have the option to do something else.

And that is something for all of us to think about. We are at a point right now where we are seeing what we actually do miss and what is working better for us right now. What do we want to add back into the mix when this is all over? And, understand, this isn't anywhere close to all over no matter what that screaming memies on TV want you to think. The virus is still out there. We still need to be cautious as things open back up. The shutdown and isolation was to give our healthcare workers a chance at not being overwhelmed. If we try to slam back into life full throttle before we have a vaccine, before most of us have caught the virus, we are back to square one. We need to SLOWLY ease back in. Add one thing at a time. Wear your damn mask to protect other people. Wash your hands to protect yourself.

We need to think about what our new normal will look like, because the old one isn't coming back, and honestly do you want it to? What do YOU miss? What don't you miss?

Anyway...

So yeah, I think what I miss is options. The knowledge that I can decide on dinner or breakfast right before I go get it instead of having to plan and shop and defrost and... The let's go to the movies. The let's go to the beach. Just the let's see if that's at the Mall and then get soup dumplings...

I miss having options.

Not sure which ones I will pick back up (option my options?) but I will be glad to get back to having them.

The Corona Chronicles...The New Normal

Start with the good stuff. C's temperature is back to normal. He was able to work out last week without issue. If it stays down then he can even go back out in public if he wants. Though I'm not sure he wants to. Everything he needs he's been able to get delivered and though we are pretty sure the antibodies will keep him from getting it again, at least for awhile, the science isn't settled on that just yet. So he might just stay home.

I want to say his office is work from home through June. I know it's at least through May but I want to say he told me through June. So he really doesn't have to leave just yet.

And that's kind of where a lot of us are right now.

If you are set up at home with work, or unemployment, you don't have to go anywhere. Grocery stores are delivering, restaurants are delivering, Target is delivering. You could make due from your couch.

Or you can do curbside pick up if you have a car. Place the order and show up and they bring it all to you. No contact. Just pop your trunk and they put the bags in and wave you away. I did this with groceries last week and though it's a learning curve to place the order for sure, it was so much more pleasant than going in to the store and battling the people who do not have a clue what 6 feet is or worse don't care about anyone but themselves so are making some sort of "I'm An Asshole" point by not wearing masks or social distancing.

I did go in to Target today, there are still some items they don't want to ship to you that I needed and it was really easy as well. Person at the door wearing a mask and keeping count of the number of people going in and out of the store to keep their occupancy low. Also showing you where the clean carts were and making sure you have a mask on. The store was pretty empty and easy to navigate. One woman who wore her mask to get in pulled it right off as soon as she was out of sight of the front door, which made me shake my head, but she also stayed away from me so I didn't care. I'm assuming she put it back up before she checked out so the clerk was protected as well.

We are settling in to the new normal.

Well some of us are anyway.

There is still the small but very loud group demanding that everything open back up RIGHT NOW.

It's weird to me. We joke in my family that I understand rules, just not how the apply to me but this is a whole other level of YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!

Because that's what it's boiling down to. They keep trying different arguments but basically they don't like being told what to do. Even if what they are being told to do they are being told to do to try and keep people safe.

And that's the biggest difference between them and me. I hate rules that don't make sense. But I will absolutely follow the ones that are clearly there for safety or for basic politeness. You know, like standing in line for something. That's just polite. You wait your turn. You aren't a rude asshole. Safety things are the same. When someone tells me or shows me how things are safer if I follow this rule (seat belts for instance) then I will absolutely follow that rule. Right now staying shut down, wearing a mask in public, keeping your distance, those are all safety rules and polite rules. The mask isn't for you, it's for everyone you come in contact with. Staying shut down keeps people safe. Including and especially the people that work in those places.

And I get it, you want to tell me all about how they are going broke and it's elitist of me to say they should stay shut down. But, as I talked about before, that's nonsense. We have the money to pay people to stay home. We've paid farmers not to farm for years. We subsidize oil companies to keep gas prices artificially low (or used to be artificial, we are in an actual low spot now). We give corporations big tax cuts to keep them from moving. We could afford to pay people to stay home. We (the country, the politicians, the people trying to convince you that feeding and clothing people is a bad thing) have decided not to. That's really it.

But those people are being super loud about it. And the press is eating it up so it looks like a larger group. Even though polls show that most people, and not just barely most but like upwards of 80%, are in favor of keeping things closed for longer.

They are getting used to this new normal.

Shopping from home.
Curbside delivery.
Wearing your mask in public.
Keeping a good amount of distance from others.
We can do this. We can keep the infection rates lower so hospitals can handle the sick. We really can do this.

Don't let the assholes shout their way to the infection rate skyrocketing. They don't care about you. They don't care about the most vulnerable. They don't care about reopening in the safest way possible. They just want to gather in groups with no masks shouting about not being told what to do.  They are assholes who have convinced themselves that they are the heroes in this story.

They aren't.

Stay home.
Stay safe.
Wear your masks.
Don't listen to the shouty assholes.

Okay, Karen....

I had a dream last night that I was either a politician or a motivational speaker. It would switch through the dream. But my platform/speaking topic was that it was time to embrace your inner Karen.

A few friends of mine from my days in advertising were in the dream. Cynthia (who I've blogged about before and how awesome she is) was my campaign manager/tour organizer (depending on which was happening in the dream). She kept me moving from city to city and on schedule. She was the one making sure I had my talking points in hand and that everything was prepared and ready to go when I hit the stage. She was my personal Karen.

Her niece Holly, also a friend of mine from my advertising days, was in the dream as well. I needed to find a cool new pair of pajama bottoms to go to her slumber party that she was throwing for her son's birthday but somehow became all of her friends coming over to watch movies and drink.

And then at one point when I was getting ready to make a really important speech about how we all needed to get our Karens on and get things done Holly called Cynthia to let her know that at the same time I was going to be making my speech Avril Lavigne was going to be on a different channel talking about how much happier she was now that had let go of her Kareness and just become agreeable.

As I woke up I was in the politician portion of the dream because I was flabbergasted and telling Cynthia..."But she's CANADIAN!"

Now I can pinpoint where the Karen piece came into my subconscious. A friend of mine named Caren (with a C) is shifting to being a CiCi (what her granddaughters call her) and away from Caren (with a C) to get away from the Karen stigma.

Because all of those poor Karens in the world have really gotten hammered with the memes and posts about middle aged women who need to talk to the manager.

And I admit I find them funny as well. And I totally rolled my eyes at the people who are very deeply into their feelings about it being bullying to those poor Karens of the world. That just calling someone Karen is hate speech (an actual opinion piece written by someone) and I totally get how not amused I would be if it were Denise instead of Karen.

And I will totally admit when the meme came out years ago with a picture of a hairstyle I often wear and the tag "We call this the I'd like to talk to your manager" I totally did not get the actual joke. I thought it was that the person was unhappy with the haircut because it was long in front and short in back, like maybe they thought it was an accident? But NO it was that middle aged women with that haircut were more likely to lodge complaints with managers! And I mean, it wasn't until SUPER recently that I got that. And people sent me that meme ALL THE TIME. And I would look at it and think...yeah, no. I do that on purpose. Like right now my long on one side is on purpose. I didn't get it...

And a month or so ago I saw the funniest comment and a reaction to it that puzzled me as well. The comment was "Sure everybody hates Karen until they REALLY do need to speak to the manager." Which made me laugh! I've been the Speak to the Manager friend for ages. The first time I had to speak to the manager on someone's behalf I was like 19! And I had been doing it for ages before that. But the comment that stuck with me, and really bothered me was from some dude who tried to insist that you should never speak to a manager. That somehow expecting things to go right was wrong and you should just deal with whatever shitty thing happened to you because if not you were just a privileged bitch.

And then this morning laying in bed thinking about that dream I realized that the dream was bugging at me because the whole Karen thing is just another way women are held to a different standard. It's not hate speech, but it's for sure super sexist.

Think it's not? Then why is it always a woman who is chastised when she speaks up?

You know where I learned to "speak to a manager?" From a man. Never ever deal with someone who is not authorized to change or fix the issue. There is no point. I can stand and argue with the person at the register about a return, or a bad meal, but most likely that person does not have the power to change anything and my arguing with them is just me being an asshole making their day bad. If I want something to be changed I need to speak with someone who has the power to fix it.

Negotiating car deals, bank loans, better credit card rates, better cable deals, I don't want to talk to the person who has to follow a script, I want to speak to the decision maker. Let me speak to the manager.

But there isn't an equivalent dude Karen. Men are allowed to be demanding and decisive. Women are not allowed to be bitchy and hard to please.

See?

We even talk about it differently. If you are a woman who has not gotten the service you expected, or are paying for and you want it fixed you are a meme. Okay, Karen...

Growing up I was always the one in my friend group who talked to the person behind the counter. I was the one who had the most comfort with it. Basically I wasn't intimidated or impressed by a name tag. I'd worn plenty of them myself and knew that there was someone in that store that was going to be able to fix the issue. Even if I was 16, or 17...or like I said, the first time I pulled the full Karen out of my arsenal I was 19. And I did it for a friend who was in her late 20s. She was getting shafted and they weren't helping her. When I arrived she was in tears about it and so I took care of it. At 19 I was already a Karen.

We just call her Bad Denise.

I don't need to be an asshole or a bitch. But I also refuse to be taken advantage of or treated like an idiot because I have boobs. Though there have been times that even my Bad Denise just can't work due to lack of a penis. For those times I have a Brent and am not afraid to use him. I just wish I didn't have to. Because I shouldn't have to have a man come talk for me. It shouldn't work that way. But it does. And when I stand up for myself I know I'm at risk of being called Karen.

Which isn't my name. My name is Denise. And it's all up to you which one of the Denises you get to deal with. Meme or no meme.

So yeah, laugh at the funny memes. Try not to be unreasonable about what you do want to speak to a manager about. But do not ever settle for less than what you paid for, less than what you should get, less than some dick with a penis would get.

Now channel that inner Karen and get shit done!


EDIT: 6/26/2020

After I posted this I had a couple of friends share that Karen has morphed from just a general middle aged woman who is being bossy to a racially tinged term. Pretty specifically middle aged white woman unreasonably flexing her unearned privilege generally against people of color. Just so we are perfectly fucking clear on this, I am not advocating for this bit of Karenness. Ever. The only time you should be breaking out that white lady privilege is when someone needs your help AS a white lady, you know the times. When people in power aren't listening because they don't see color and yet somehow can't hear voices of color either. Use it then. Then go back to trying to dismantle the system that gave you that privilege in the first place.

Don't ever settle for less than you deserve, don't ever abuse what you've not earned. And don't abuse what you have earned for that matter. The purpose of having more is to have more to give. And part of that giving needs to be giving the opportunity to people who haven't had it before. Pull and boost people up into positions of power and then step the fuck aside.

I didn't say step backwards either so stop that nonsense. You want equality for all it has to start at equity. Get everyone on the same level. Then let people work from there and for now that means using your Karen as a good guy. Maybe my friend CiCi has it right, change that name. Change that dynamic. Work toward a new system.

Just needed to be clear here.