FINALLY the book with the fun title that Skippy recommended was available at a convenient time to be this month's self help book! (Disclaimer: Skippy had not read the book, she just thought the title sounded fun, and I agreed)
So this month's book was Existential Kink.
Which isn't that a great fun title? Well, wait, there's more...
This month's book was Existential Kink: Unmask Your Shadow and Embrace Your Power (A method for getting what you want by getting off on what you don't) by Carolyn Elliott
Sort of changes it a bit from a kind of funky, eye catching title to, well that's a lot.
But let me just tell you...
Do not read this book.
Honestly, it's a fucking hot mess of a book.
I knew I was in trouble in the first introduction chapter (aside from the first bit of this might be a problem when I saw the full title) when she blended Roman and Greek gods to tell her story of what Existential Kink was and ended up with a story where Persephone actually split into two to create her own rapist to experience it because...reasons? (The whole time blending Roman and Greek stories, which though some are very similar are not actually the same)
After that opening I checked the estimated reading time and saw it was only a couple of hours so figured, well, I'll do it. Maybe it gets better?
People, it does not.
Her premise is that we must enjoy the negative things in our lives or they wouldn't be there and the way to work with them is to admit we enjoy them and embrace that. And by enjoy I mean, ENJOY. Truly like you get off on people being shitty to you, or working in a dead end job so you might as well get off on it and enjoy the kink of liking shitty things.
Which is some next level victim blaming. I mean she goes out of the way to say she's not victim blaming but then talks about her own abusive relationship she was in and how she finally realized that she really liked the amount of control she had over him. Like she was a drug to him that he had to manage, too much and he'd become unhinged, just enough and he could function and...what the fuck? I mean, this is you using abuser gaslighting talk TO YOURSELF. "Oh, baby, I only hit you because I love you so much I can't bear the thought of..."
Again, do not read this book.
And when I say get off on it, I mean you are supposed to find a quiet time and space to focus on what your issue is. Light a candle, burn some incense, think about what the issue is and admit to yourself how much you really like it...until you feel it in your genitals. You don't have to orgasm, but it would be better if you did. Yup...
And here's another fun part. Remember how I had a problem with last month's book because the author talked about being in a cult and I felt like I couldn't trust her to tell me how to live when clearly she had some issues there in her own life. Well...chapter two of this book the author starts talking about Orgasmic Meditation WHICH IS THE FOUNDATION OF THE CULT FROM THE LAST BOOK! I mean...come on! So at least the author from last month finally realized that it was cult, while this one is still advocating for people to give it a try. I mean what's the worst that could happen if a bunch of women sign up to let strange men "teach them" how to meditate through orgasm. Which she doesn't mention that part, just casually drops in the OM mention and how good it is for you to learn.
Do not read this book.
She also does this blending of witchcraft, religion, mindfulness and BDSM writing from the standpoint of someone who is clearly not wiccan, religious, mindful or part of the BDSM lifestyle. It was all just a hot mess of "that's not how that works, that's not how any of that works."
It reminded me of when the 50 Shades books were released and the people I knew that were into the lifestyle were just tearing it to shreds. And I had to believe them that they were right and she had no idea what she was talking about because 1. They were in the lifestyle and 2. There is a passage in the book where the main character casually jogs from a college campus in Vancouver to a hotel in Downtown Portland (about 20 miles) and there were scenes of watching the sunset from places that face east, so I knew she didn't really do a lot of research.
When you mix your Roman and Greek mythology and no editor corrects you I know research isn't your strong suit.
And it so shows.
Now, on to the good part. I mean...well...
Okay, so there is a nugget of truth in what she was pushing, just not the way she was pushing it.
Often when we find ourselves in repeated patterns of destructive behavior there is a part of it that suits our needs. Now, the need it could be suiting is the need for familiarity. The need for comfort in knowing what comes next. And usually that's all subconscious level and as soon as we figure out that we keep seeking out the same types of situations and deal with it, we can move past it. We heal old patterns and figure out better ways.
And sometimes it is not just familiarity but that we actually do like something about it that other people say is negative and so we pretend we hate as well. We all have that friend who will swear they hate drama but live drama filled lives. And will create drama if everything is going too smoothly. Somewhere in their heads they clearly don't hate it.
So there is something in there, and it's not a new concept at all. Lots of books and studies and self help out there to help you break out of those repetitive patterns.
Without deciding that you really are just deeply turned on by the negative patterns and deciding to keep pursuing them to get off on it and live a full life that way... (do not read this book)
What would 20 year old me get out of this book?
Well nothing. She would have tossed it to the side as soon as the Persephone story culminated in her creating her own rapist to try it out.
Again...my recommendation:
Do not read this book.
Onto the next!
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