Do Over...

"Would you go back and change things if you could?"

That was the question he had asked her. One of those things people think about and talk about. What would you do differently? Everyone has regrets they'd like to go back and fix. She had answered honestly. "Yes. But I'd have to go back knowing everything I know now or it wouldn't work. The things I would want to change, I'd have to remember them."

"Okay."

That's what he had said. Okay. Such a simple word. 

When she had woken up the next morning she had realized that he hadn't been making small talk, he had been making a deal. 

She was 14 years old. About to start high school. That's what the room she had woken in, the wall calendar featuring members of Menudo, the face in the mirror all told her. She was 14 years old. That's where she had landed. 

How long did she have? How many changes could she make? She hadn't been sure at first. Would she go to sleep tonight and wake back up in her life with the knowledge that she had changed a few things tucked in her head? Or would she wake up and those memories would be gone? Never happened. Now that she was here she wanted to make sure she really took advantage of the situation. What could she do differently?

She knew. She probably always knew. When people would ask her what she would change if she could she would say all the things everyone else did, she would take better care of herself, she would take her schooling more seriously, she would be kinder to the kids who needed kindness. But she knew if she had a chance to go back she'd help Him live a better life. A more fulfilling one. The one he had always wished he had done. 

Sure, he was happy with her and with their family. He was a great husband, a wonderful father, but he had never had the chance to do the things he had wanted to. To pursue the career he would have if he could go back and change things. And since she was here...

She didn't make big changes. Not to her life. Not to anyone else's. She didn't stand up on the bleachers and tell them what was coming. She just, well she nudged. 

She made suggestions to people about classes she thought they might like. Extra curricular activities that she thought sounded fun for them. Everyone was very impressed with how much she had clearly been paying attention to them. Focusing on them.

Especially Him. To really see him. To know that to most people taking that advanced math class would be torture but it really did sound great. And why not give it a try? 

She also nudged his relationship with his parents. She knew that they were going to die way too soon and that there would be so many unresolved issues. So much guilt for him to process with no way to change things. What if that relationship could be healed now? Could be better now? She didn't think she could change when they died or how, but she could change how they lived. Just a little. 

A nudge here. A nudge there. She didn't date that one boy. She made friends with that other girl. She listened more. She studied harder. She helped Him. Nudge. Nudge. Nudge. 

But what she hadn't been ready for was every nudge that she gave Him toward the things she knew he had wanted were nudges away from her. From them. With the advanced math he had taken, with the improved relationship with this parents, with the strong level of confidence she had help him instill, when the offer came to study abroad their senior year he took it. Instead of dating her. Instead of planning the start of a life with her, he gave her a quick hug goodbye and sheepishly told her that he had always had a crush on her, and he wished he had acted on it when there was still time. 

She graduated and went on to college. Since she had studied more and goofed off less she had a lot of scholarship opportunities and since she still had all of her previous memories she had a solid idea of what part of the country she wanted to live in. Even though she no longer knew exactly what was going to happen, she still had to keep going. There was no waking up one morning back in her old life reveling in the happier and more fulfilled husband she thought she was working toward.

She even married and had children. She did make sure they visited her hometown the summer before her father died and again the year her mother passed. She knew, even in this life, she would regret it if she had said they would just do it next year. She campaigned extra hard in the 2016 elections but wasn't able to shift that outcome. She didn't think she would be able to, big things seemed to have their own course, but she knew she had to try. 

And for 2018 and 2019 she travelled everywhere. Packed the kids up at every opportunity and hit the road. They saw the world. And she stocked up the garage with extra paper towels, toilet paper, cleaning supplies. Her husband and kids teased her about becoming one of those doomsday preppers, but she just smiled. When the lockdown happened and the shortages started they were glad of her preparations. And every once in awhile she would overhear friends of hers saying that she did just seem to know things sometimes. 

She went to their 35th reunion. He was there with his wife. She smiled and they hugged and caught up. He had met her that senior year abroad. They had both been transfer students from the states and were surprised to find out they were planning on going to the same college. He smiled and said he had learned his lesson about not acting when you had the chance so he had asked her out right away and they had been together ever since. One child. And oh she probably hadn't heard the sad news about his parents and the accident about 10 years back...he had been able to get to the hospital and say his final "I love yous" before they were gone. He teared up and apologized. She told him not to be silly. That of course it still hurt. They were his parents and they had loved him and he them. 

She had said goodbye and wished them well. Squeezing his hands in hers and saying, "No regrets. A life with no regrets."

A few years later she recognized the gentleman from her past. Her present? "Would you go back and change things if you could?" 

She thought about what she had lost. Him. Their child. Their happy life. 

But if she went back again she would lose her husband, their children and their life. 

"It's an impossible choice to make now. You tricked me before I think."

"Why would you say that? You got to live two lives where most only get one. It seems that you got the better end of the bargain."

"And if I said I would go back again would I get a third option?"

He smiled and shrugged. "Do you have regrets? Do you have things you would change?"

She thought about it.

And sighed. Then smiled. Then opened her mouth to tell him her decision...