Reasonable People Agree...

I've talked about this before. I mean the topic and the title. There is this style of arguing where people frame their argument around "reasonable people can agree" and then fill in the blank. It's a set up. Because as soon as you disagree you are unreasonable. 

Yesterday I read an opinion piece in The Atlantic about the legislation around trans kids. And their "reasonable people" arguments as to where we have to go next. And part of what they were saying was reasonable. They were against all of this anti trans legislation that has and is being passed.

But...

And there's the issue. 

But...

See their main point is that part of why the legislation is wrong is because it hardens the positions on the left. The liberal position gets further entrenched and unmoving. It's what happens when faced with an extreme. And it leaves no room for nuance. Which is correct. It is what happens. And it's also correct that there isn't a lot of room for nuance. Most people don't even grasp how nuanced and varied gender affirming care really is.

Like them. They made sure to include a lot of opinions on why the anti trans legislation is important. Because apparently it's just too easy to get treatment for kids. Doctors are handing out puberty blockers, hormone replacements, and scheduling surgery too easily. Hunh. Okay. As a cis gendered postmenopausal woman who had a bitch of a time getting estrogen replacement I'd like to find the doctors that are handing out medication easy peasy. 

And, you know, there is a lot of worry that all of this trans stuff is being fueled by a social contagion. Kids aren't really trans, you see. They just see how great their trans friends have it, what with the bullying and the restrictions and the entire government lining up to discriminate against them and they are like YEAH! Sign me up for that!

We shouldn't be letting kids get hormones and surgery just because they are part of some social contagion issue. Reasonable people can agree that this is an issue. And if just one kid is prevented from having life altering surgery that they regret isn't that worth it? 

Reasonably I mean. 

Well call me unreasonable because no. That's not how this is supposed to work. 

If your child comes to you and tells you that they are trans then you, you the parent, need to find a good doctor to start that journey with. You should have that option. And the doctor should give you all of the information available. Including side effects of medications. Which, generally speaking, doctors do that. I mean no matter the meds the doctor tells me, hey here is what it's for and what it will treat and what potential side effects there are, and THEN when I go to the pharmacy and fill the prescription for the first time the pharmacist does a quick consult as well. You should know what you are taking and what it involves, or what you are having your kid take. Absolutely. 

But that's between you, your kid and their doctor. 

If they even get medication that is.

Now, I will say because Katie transitioned as an adult all of her medical choices have been hers alone. Because she's an adult. If she had come to us as a teenager we might have taken it a little slowly at first, just to make sure she really grasped everything she was doing. Odds are we would have tried to find the best doctor for her that we could. OHSU has a great program so my guess is that's where we would have gone. And we would have found her a counselor to talk to about transitioning. Not to talk her out of it, but to work through it. When she told us, as an adult, I recommended the same thing. Not to convert her, or convince her not to, but because it's a big deal to transition and there is a lot to work through. Not the least of which is watching as it becomes legal to discriminate against you.

And good parents do know their kids. And they can have discussions with them on what they all can agree on during transitioning. Family counseling could help here too. A friend of mine contacted me a couple of years ago that their daughter told them she was nonbinary and wanted to explore that. (You can tell by my pronoun use where that ended up) My friend was concerned because their daughter has picked up and put down a lot of identities over the years and she was going through a patch at that moment that made my friend think that maybe this was an escapist thing. Like if she could change one thing everything else would fall in line. We talked about it. What all did her daughter want to try? What would be the worst thing that could happen if she did? Basically she wanted to wear a binder for awhile and go by they/them. 

Okay. 

Get her a good binder and watch your pronouns. It's not a big deal. 

And it wasn't. There were a few months where she tried that out. Did it feel right? And it didn't. It wasn't the answer she was looking for afterall. So she ditched the binder and went back to she/her. 

And that's gender affirming care. 

I know you keep hearing all of these scary things, major surgery! HRT! And yes, eventually those things might come in to play. Or they might not. Not all trans people get HRT. And even more never have any surgery. But the start of gender affirming care is just listening to people. Calling them by the pronouns and the name they'd prefer.

Plenty of people have surgeries they regret. Or take medications that they choose to discontinue. Or dress or get their hair cut or chose a lipstick color that they end up not liking. We don't outlaw it for everyone just because one person regrets it. We don't even outlaw it for kids. 

Nose jobs and breast enhancements happen for teenagers. And we say, well that's between them and their parents. 

Giving birth is a life altering change and the same groups that are worried about trans kids and life altering changes want to force that one on kids and adults alike. 

Medical care for anyone else is not your business. Medical care for kids is between them, their parents and their doctors. 

Call me unreasonable but I disagree with anyone who thinks that job belongs to the government or the church or the PTA or the nosy neighbor across the street. 

The world would be better off if people stopped trying to make "reasonable people agree" arguments and just started being reasonable people who minded their own business.