No Goal!

If I write a blog today and publish it then I will have written the most blogs in a month for this year. If I don't I'm tied. But if I get this one done then BOOM! highest total. Which if I were trying for goals would be so important, but I'm not so it's not at all important. I mean I don't really need to be checking those numbers at all. This is a goalless year, after all. 

Though I have to say that I didn't mean to drag EVERYONE along with me in my goalless year. I didn't intend for the whole fucking world to shut down to accommodate me. I appreciate the support, but it's a bit much. 

And, of course, we are on the edge of August so I am thinking about a new year for me coming soon. Not the January year start where I have switched most of my goals to starting just for ease, but the ones I look at starting or ending on my birthday every year. But since 2020 is a year with no goals does it mean I've failed if I start some on my birthday? Or is that different?

And I do know that I'm stating to feel antsy because of the whole plague shutting down the world and its normal rhythms thing so I'm looking for structure because it's starting to feel a little undone even within the undone way it is now. 

So really it hasn't been a good gauge for having no goals. 

I mean, it's been good on one hand, if I had strict goals and no way to complete them I would be having a really hard time watching all of my gold stars slip away. But on the other hand having no goals in such a squishy space is making me feel a little like a squish in my own right. 

And I am finding that I'm doing things I wouldn't normally do because I'm antsy. Like shop. Now, part of that is that we are spending ALL of our time here at the house so there are things we need. But it's also a little pop of different. Oh I will buy this gadget and it will be something new... Add that to the things we have been getting because Brent is home all day now and he needs things to make his work life easier and we have a garage full of cardboard that we are having to put out in batches because our recycle bin is constantly full. So I need to do something that keeps me from clicking BUY NOW! on Amazon quite so much. 

I also am not burning out my energy at the gym. Even working out most days it's not as challenging as lifting heavy things three days a week and sweating my heart out on the treadmill two times. But we just bought some weights and bands and so I'm hoping that will help. It should at least help in turning my bingo wings back into beautiful biceps...

And there is the phone games issue we talked about before. Did you know there is a game called 20 that you can play CONSTANTLY without having to wait for new lives? Well there is...and it's not a good idea to download it if you are feeling adrift because you will just drift right along on that...

And I get it, I really do. I'm very lucky to not have work and have young kids and such to try and take care of right now. I don't have to do anything. I don't have to stress. I don't have to go out. I don't have to explain to anyone why they have to shift their world. I'm not super social anyway so it's not like I'm just dying to go to a party. I miss sports and comedy shows and musicals and concerts but we are making due with recorded things instead of live. It's not perfect but it's more than fine. We have a really nice set up and have started do some things upstairs on the regular TV and other things downstairs on the big TV which makes those things feel a little different at least. 

But my normal schedule is still fucked. I'm doing what I can to not be in Brent's way during the day (he says it's fine and I shouldn't worry, but I can't help it, he's ACTUALLY working while I'm just faffing about so I want to honor his work space and try to keep as quiet as I can, even though some days that still doesn't really work, like today when I needed to dump ice for blanching and he was on a conference call...but you know, I'm trying.)

And I know, I know, still grieving and facing August knowing it's going to be a fucking miserable month and looking at the shitstorm of a world we are living in right now so that's not helping my antsy at all. I have zero control over anything (which, honestly, we never do and that at times is huge comfort but...) since I have zero control over anything AND I haven't put in any artificial things to control I'm really starting to feel a little overwhelmed. Under-stimulated and overwhelmed?

But anyway...publishing a blog today would make 16 for July and that's the most out of any month this year which would be a big deal if that sort of thing mattered to me this year. 

Which it doesn't. 

Not at all. 

Really. 

Stop laughing.