Fabric of You...

"Does this seem smaller to you? Like the roof is lower?"

"Yeah."

"Weird. It's not like I'm taller than I was."

Thinking about the funeral. And not just the funeral but everything around it. But not in the grieving way. Or at least not in the specific grieving for Mom way.

The conversation above happened when we were walking from the church sanctuary over to fellowship hall after the service. The same walk I took when Dad died, so I had done it as an adult, and I did it a lot as a teenager, and though I might be wider than I was then, I'm not any taller. But the hallway felt really small. The roof really low. The walk really short. It was an odd sensation.

Being in the church is always an odd sensation. And when I say THE church I always mean Ridgecrest. We attended First and Valley for small bouts of time, but Ridgecrest is THE church. It's the one I was born into, the one I spent most of my time, the one I was married in. And it's the one the others spun off from once upon a time.

That was what we Ridgecrest kids always held on to. First and Heights had more money, especially First, Valley was newer and had a really beautiful building, but Ridgecrest was there first. When we went to camp and the old cabins were named for the founding families that started it, Ridgecrest Families were featured prominently. Sure, First might have raised the money for the new dorms, but they would always be called that, the new dorms. The named cabins? Those were ours.

When you are broke you tend to hold on to history and pride a little tighter.

But Ridgecrest was home. I think I was still too shell shocked at Dad's funeral to really take it all in. This time, because of time, I wasn't as foggy. And maybe because I really believe that that was the last time I will be there I paid a lot of attention. It was all so familiar. Home in its own way.

I told my nephew I used to count the woodens slats in the roof, Larry our minister at the time, had certain words he would always use, verbal tics, and when he would say one I'd start counting the other way. Brian told me he would count the stained glass in the lights and windows. We both realized that we should have had a good indication that we weren't really meant to stay at that point.

I also looked at the books in the church library. There were ones that were old when I was a child that were still there. At one point in time I could have told you how far I had read in almost all of them. We spent so much time at the church while my parents were doing various things and if I didn't have a book with me I would pull one off the shelf and read it. There were mostly devotional books but a few fiction. Christian fiction. The bar is fairly low on what good religious fiction is. People are so desperate for message books they will let the quality slide. I read a lot of really terrible religious fiction books growing up.

There were changes as well. Where the library is the other half of that room used to be wide open, it was the original fellowship hall, long before I was born, but now it's closed off with walls and doors to make it private classrooms. What was the stage and storage area in the current fellowship hall was taken out and a big new kitchen put it probably 20 years ago now, but it still seems new to me because it wasn't there when I was growing up. We had the hallway, galley kitchen and we all spent a lot of time in there, getting communion ready, making coffee for potlucks, eating pizza with the youth group or preparing snacks for VBS.

The church is filled with memories for me. It's a big part of where I grew up. It's a big part of my growing up.

Good and bad.

And at Mom's service my Aunt Carol (Mom's best friend) talked about the first time she attended, meeting Mom and Dad as they taught the Young Married's Sunday school class. Thinking about Denny and Carol being Young Marrieds made me smile. And, of course, I don't think they could have had better class leaders for a good marriage example.

My sister-in-law also talked about first meeting Mom and Dad as they were greeters the first time she came to Ridgecrest. And then about how Mom would call her on Sunday after she and John were first married and tell her that they really could use her in the nursery next Sunday. And she did that until they came back to church regularly.

Carol also talked about how Mom and Dad started the church. How Mom hadn't really wanted to work on getting a new church established when they moved to New Mexico but had been called to do it anyway. She also talked about how Mom only demanded one thing from Dad and that was that they would go to church.

Now, I happen to know that she also said he had to stop smoking and he couldn't drink but once a year or so. My mother might have given the advice that men don't change, but she still believed in making a few alterations as needed. Though to be fair, Dad didn't change. He wanted to do whatever would make her happy. That never changed.

As I talked to people before the service and after it, there was the recurring theme. Mom (and Dad) had been instrumental in establishing the church. She had been part of the fabric of church life. She had touched a lot of lives through the church. It was her great joy to have raised her family within those walls.

And I smiled and thanked them.

And wondered how many of them knew I left at 18 and very rarely looked back?

I also spoke at her service. I talked about what a great woman she was. I talked about our relationship just a bit. I also talked about how much I knew she missed Dad and how glad I was that she didn't anymore. Which I know that 90% of the people in the congregation took to mean she and Dad are together in heaven right now. But that's not what I said.

I didn't say anything about her religion at all. Though it was a huge part of who she was. It's just not who I am. I bowed my head when the minister prayed, out of respect for those around me, but not because I thought he was talking to god. In fact, when ministers pray I think even they know they aren't talking to god but are talking to their congregation. Mini sermons. But I can have respect for my mother's beliefs and not take them on myself. I've had years, decades, of practice.

It was hard to leave the church. It was woven into the very fabric of who I was. My parents started that church. My first friends were all members of that church. I still have people I grew up with in the church that I am friends with today. A large contingent of my family believes the teachings of the church. And they pray for me. Which I think is sweet of them and I hope it makes them feel good. It's not going to change things, but I do honestly think it's nice that they still try. Even if it's a little bit condescending at times. But that's okay too.

And I talked about it when Dad died. There is great comfort that can be had when someone dies if you believe you will see them again. It makes you feel better to imagine a big grand reunion. I don't have that, though my brothers and sisters do. I have what we had while they were alive and that's all. And, for me, that's enough.

I have a lot of memories of the church, and of camp, and of countless bible studies and youth group rehearsals for tour, and bible bowl competitions and time on the bus and lessons and sermons and more than a few "Listen here, young lady" lectures. It was part of who I was. It's still part of who I am. I love those memories, well most of them anyway. I have been able to pick and choose from the lessons and apply them to my life even now.

My mother's entire philosophy of not abiding by rudeness had a religious component for her, it doesn't for me, yet I still practice it. She believed in being kind to strangers because the bible told her to do it, I believe in being kind to strangers because it's the right thing to do. I practice a lot of what she preached, I just don't do it to get into heaven later. I do it to make the world around me better now.

Walking down the hallway in the church it seemed much smaller, but it was the same.

I have just outgrown it.

Shhh...I'm eavesdropping....

"She told me I was being really judgmental lately and I was like, I'm not being judgmental, you are just making really bad decisions."

"Yeah, she's..."

"I mean you know she's sleeping with *couldn't quite pick up the boy's name* right? She says they are in love but whatever she's totally sleeping with him. And he's not a good guy. I mean, I'm taking it really slowly with Carl and he is a really good guy."

"Yeah, he is. You and Carl are dating now?"

"Yeah. Sort of. We are going slowly, and I haven't really committed to it yet, but we are totally dating now." (which made me wonder if Carl knew they were dating)

This is where I was trying very hard to turn and look at these two without getting caught looking at them. They were two very young ladies, late teens, I would say, grabbing dinner together and gossiping their asses off. I did almost lose it when the redhead said the line about not being judgmental while totally judging her other friend...

Then after a little more discussion about other friends and who was sleeping with whom their food was ready and they bowed their heads and prayed then ate.

And I almost punched Brent in the shoulder with glee.

This was a snapshot in to my teen years. The seriousness with which they discussed dating. The judgement over who was sleeping with whom. The scandalized nature of it all. All wrapped up with a pretty religious bow.

When Brent and I got married at 18 everyone assumed I was pregnant. Valid assumption really. You don't get married at 18 unless you are knocked up right? And if you want to see a high percentage of "early" babies watch good church weddings. Lots and lots of babies that come at 7-8 months who weigh in at 8 pounds...mmmm... hmmmm....

These two will go in a story at some point in time, the judgement line is perfection. And because I recognize them from my life they will be easy to write for sure.

But on the serious side this is where religion (at least the one I was raised in) fails young women. Dating at 15 and 16 and 17 should be about having fun, not looking for a spouse. But it is about looking for a spouse. You see more young women who are engaged at ages where they really shouldn't even be expected to pick a college major successfully. And they are told not to have sex, though they totally have sex because you know, they are going to marry the guy so they feel it's okay. BUT because they aren't supposed to have sex, abstinence only education you know, they have sex (because they love him and are going to marry him) but don't use birth control (because they aren't supposed to have sex and it's hard to "get carried away" if you pre-plan and buy a condom) so then they do end up married and with a baby when they are still babies themselves and...

Well now you know why the church doesn't fight as hard against divorce (which isn't allowed biblically) as they do gay marriage (which is murky at best). Mmmm...hmmm....

But it was fun to eavesdrop and I appreciate them gossiping out loud (also a no no) so I could enjoy a little flash back to my youth...

And kids out there? Wear a condom. If you are mature enough to have sex, you are mature enough to talk about protection. Wrap it up.

Take it on faith...

Thinking about my mother's faith after our phone conversation yesterday. And a picture that my sister posted of Dad where she talked about what a great man of God he was. And thinking about a friend who posted about her religion and how different it is from theirs. Then read a story about the SBC issuing their latest proclamation on "you can't make us accept gay marriage any more than we accepted interracial marriages!" (though eventually they did, after apologizing for the whole pro-slavery stance that they were founded on...but quibbles...) Add to that the news that American Gods is going to be made in to a television series and I have religion on the brain.

Religion is always interesting to me. Not just because I was raised very religious and left the church. Not just because I am the only member of this generation in my family that is not religious. Not just because I have lived in parts of the country that are extremely religious and now live in one of the least religious cities in America. Not just because I have friends who represent all sorts of different faiths. Not just because I find that often I know more about someone's religion than they do. They have the faith part of their belief down, but often have no idea about certain parts of their religion's history or even important passages in their religious books. Or even how closely most of the world's religions hew to each other. How much they borrow from each other. Not just because often someone will say that they are a certain faith and you ask them the last time they went to church and they have no idea...

It's not interesting to me for just those things, but those things add to it. It's interesting to me because I enjoy a good story. And most religions have good stories. Not just the creation myths, but the actual story of why that faith is practiced now. Most religions aren't as old as people think they are. At least not the form that they are practicing. They like to think it's tied in to some ancient belief but most often it's only a few hundred years old. Protestants? You think over 2000 years ago...try around 500. That's a big difference. There is usually a "yes but it CAME from antiquity..." story that goes along with it. Neo-paganism is a big one for this. It's all a recreation of what they think was practiced before, but they don't really know. They just believe. The whole faith thing. And then there is Mormonism which isn't even as old as the United States. Though part of their story includes a visit by Jesus to this part of the world as well as his hanging out in what's now the Middle East.

See? The stories are interesting.

The problem I have with religion is when people want to force their stories on me or in to my legal system. That's when I get in arguments and have issue. But for the most part I think if you have your religion and your faith and your beliefs and they bring you comfort, that's great. What ever you have in your life that brings a level of joy to you that doesn't negatively impact others is excellent. And I know for a lot of people that is their religious belief. But to me it really is just a story. And your story isn't any more important than someone else's story.

That's important to understand. You have to realize that you are sneering at someone else's implausible story while holding on to yours. Why do you think that there is any more chance of Noah's Ark being an actual thing than a tribe of ancient Israelites making it to the new world in a pre-Colombian age? You accept your own stories and reject others. I get it. But it doesn't make your story right and their story wrong. It just means that's the story you believe and the system you bought in to.

That's what it's like to look at religion from the outside peering in. I see that your stories are great for you, and their stories are great for them, but none of them make a whole lot of sense when you break them down. But they are still interesting to read.

I do love a good story.

It's everywhere...

I have jury duty tomorrow.  I am so looking forward to it, I cannot even tell you! I've never been called. Not once in all of my years. And I've been a registered voter (what is supposed to trigger it) since I was 18. Brent gets notices regularly. As soon as he is eligible again he is called. C got called two years ago, though he ended up not serving because he was in college at the time, but I've never even been called. Talking to C yesterday and I mentioned (again) how excited I was that it was finally here and he said, "You are either really odd, or really bored." I had to laugh, because he had wanted to serve as well when he was called and was actually disappointed that it didn't pan out. So we are both really odd.

But it's interesting. I've only been in court once and that case was dismissed as soon as it was called. The cop who wrote the ticket I was fighting didn't show up so they called my case number and name, Dad and I stood up and the judge read the charge, called for the officer, then dismissed the case with a side comment about how silly the ticket was. I KNOW! That's why I was fighting it. But..still...that's been it. Which is good. There have been times in my life where people would have told you that by now I should be much more familiar with the inside of court room. Either arguing the law as a lawyer or well, let's say providing one with job security. But nope, I changed my mind about law school and decided to be a fine upstanding citizen. So no true life courtroom experience. But it will be really interesting to experience it all. At least once. We've all see it on TV and can picture the proceedings but life is different than the polished version we get in 40-45 minutes plus commercials.

And now this dovetails in to the main blog....

When you picture a trial what is one of the first things you see in your head? Maybe the swearing in of a witness? "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? So help you God?" You know the part where you put your hand on the Bible? And then proceed to go against what the Bible says about that sort of thing. (James 5:12 also Matthew 5:33-37) But trifles...

Last week I went to pick up tickets for Winterhawks training camp games. The home office is in the basement of their home arena. Memorial Coliseum, and as is befitting a Memorial Coliseum there is an actual memorial outside. I was looking at the wall of names and was struck by the wording so I took a picture.

It's a war memorial. Honoring our vets who gave all in their service. For God apparently. Which struck me as odd because I don't remember the US fighting any religious wars. But there it is.

And it's on my money, In God We Trust, and in my pledge to the flag (though it wasn't originally) and in every speech every President and other politician makes, God Bless the United States of America, and on and on and on.

But the thing that really got me thinking about writing this blog was a silly online quiz. A friend of mine posted it. Quick back history: we grew up in the same church, have known each other for as long as I can remember, he is two (maybe three but I want to say two) years younger than I am. We went to the same high school as well. I even remember our last argument in youth group my senior year when he announced that he didn't like the Whitney Houston song "The Greatest Love" because learning to love yourself was not the greatest love of all, the love of God was the greatest. (I bet you didn't even remember that did you, Kerry?) By this point in time I was just biding my time in the church waiting to get out and he was already well on the path that he would remain on. He grew up to be a minister and I grew up to be agnostic. 

Okay, so the quiz he posted was "Which Christian Religion Are You?" I took it just to see what they would do with my answers. (I'm Quaker, by the way, which actually is pretty close to what I believe, if you take out the god parts). But the thing that struck me with the quiz was the belief that pretty much anyone looking at it was Christian. Or at least identified as such in some base way. The questions were designed to assume that you already had a base in Christianity. Unlike the silly quizzes that you take to find out which dog breed you are, they don't assume you are already a dog. But that base belief that you are some sort of Christian is pervasive.

Not just in silly little quizzes where you know what you are getting in to, but in every thing. Every day. See the examples I gave earlier. And think about your news feeds on Facebook. How many "Blessed", "Pray for me", "Praise" statuses do you see in a day? And not just from your friends who grew up to be ministers, but from the people who you know haven't stepped foot in a church since grandpa's funeral. But they identify as Christian and assume that you do as well.

I've written before about leaving the church and reaching the point where I decided I can only describe myself as agnostic. I know a lot of people assume I'm an atheist, and I will admit that my arguments in favor of science over magic tend to push me in that direction, but I have never fully let go of the idea of something more. Because I was raised steeped in religion. Everything we did. Everywhere we went. Everyone we knew. We were the family you saw in restaurants praying before our meals. (Funny aside, I made friends with someone in high school because his parents were deaf and my family prayed in public. We ate at the same restaurant once a week and both busted each other staring at the "different" family, mine the prayer, his the sign language)

But religion, Christianity, Evangelical Christianity specifically, is woven in to my fiber. I had to consciously decide to not be religious, and even after that decision was made for awhile I thought after I had kids I would go back to the church so they could be raised that way. To keep them out of trouble. Let that one sink in for a minute. Drinker, smoker, hellraiser that I was I still thought that somehow church kept me out of trouble. Like my sister's drug habit or the son of an elder who tried to rape me. Church doesn't keep you out of trouble, it can keep a kid busy, but it's not a magic panacea. Once I wrapped my head around that I raised C without religion. Morals, oh yes. Strong sense of right and wrong. But not because God says so, or you will end up in hell if you don't, but because it's the right thing to do for your fellow man. And I have always said I would put his morals up against any number of kids raised in the church. Including mine at his age.

So with all that being said I still hold on to that something. That other. I know what it's like to be sitting outside at sunrise at El Porvenir with a cup of coffee (that is more chocolate and milk than coffee but still) listening to the forest. Feeling that calm stillness and being filled with Awesome Wonder...I know what it's like to pray in a room by yourself and really feel like someone has answered you. I know those  feelings. I also know that I can experience the same things now and I call them appreciation for nature and listening to The Universe or your inner voice...but I understand how if you are raised in the church those things translate to God.

And I don't know. I used to say I was strong with the God is in the Gaps theory. The things science couldn't explain, that's where God lives. But as science closes more and more of those gaps what does that leave? For me it changed my thinking from GOD to god. I think there could be something out there. A unifying presence. Energy can be neither created or destroyed right? So we are all a part of something. That something for me is god. It's us. But that is a deeper discussion than we are having right now. Or at least a different one.

For someone who is agnostic (or atheist) living in the United States is a constant bombardment of god images. And for people who identify as Christian they don't even see it. I told you about going to a seminar a few years ago with a friend and talking about it afterward and I said I had wished it wasn't so religious and he hadn't even noticed. Even though they did an alter call in the middle! I posted a few weeks ago about being angry that people are only concerned about ISIS because they are now hurting Christians. It's frustrating to me to see the assumption that not only are you a Christian but that you somehow believe that that elevates you to better than.

Because any time you use Terrorist and Muslim as synonyms that's what you are doing. Because anytime you decide that people just need more god in their lives when things don't go well that's what you are doing. When you think other people should suck it up if they have a problem with your high school coach praying before a game (even if a few of the kids are Jewish, or agnostic, or atheists) What you are saying is that your religion makes you better than.

And it doesn't.

Not for a second.

And if you think it does then you need to spend more time with your bible. And see that what your religion actually teaches is that you aren't better than. You are just as bad as. But what you have is a path to forgiveness. That's what your religion teaches you. Just so you know.

Because, like I said, I grew up steeped in it. I know it pretty well. I just don't believe it anymore.

But it does give me a really unique perspective on life. I see the way religion permeates everything in the States, and then I see people complaining about how if they can't make a law that is based on their religious belief that is somehow persecution and I just shake my head.

I don't begrudge anyone their beliefs. My family is still mostly with the church. I have a lot of friends who stayed with the church (not just as ministers, though Kerry isn't even the only one of those). I have a lot of other friends who might not attend church but would say that they are Christian if asked. I also have friends who practice other religions. And I have friends who are atheists. I don't care about your beliefs. I really don't. As long as you respect my lack of them we are cool.

And that's the part I'm seeing less and less of lately. I see more people fighting to make laws based solely on their religious beliefs (though some of those are finally being found to be unconstitutional) I see people posting nonsense revisionist history trying to paint the country as even more religion based than it was. I see people becoming less tolerant of those that call their god by another name. And it all makes me shake my head.

I don't really have a nice tidy wrap up for this blog. I wish I did. I guess I will just leave you with a few last thoughts.

Pay attention to how much of your daily world (assuming you live in the States, as I haven't traveled much I have no clue what it's like elsewhere) is colored by a religion that not everyone shares. Wonder for a second what it would feel like to be a stranger in a strange land. Someone who didn't share those beliefs. What would it be like to read a news article about prayer in public schools and see the angry comments from people who are SHOCKED! that the ungodless masses dare tell them to be polite and considerate of those that don't share their beliefs. Wonder what it's like for an atheist when a town hall meeting is opened with a prayer. When a NASCAR race starts with an invocation. When someone wins an EMMY tonight and Thanks God. or if they don't and people freak out on them!

Instead of so much anger about not everything being tailored to your personal belief system you should probably be a little appreciative how much of it is.

You might not notice. But you should. 

And also keep in mind when you rail against Sharia law on one hand and your right to have the Ten Commandments up at the courthouse on the other I am shaking my head at you...

And possibly coveting your ass. But dat ass though....

C-c-c-c-c-ombo blog....

I have been going back and forth today trying to decide which blog to write. The kind of positive, kind of goofy, kind of silver lining blog, or the kind of ranty, kind of pissed off, kind of cynical blog.

So you get both. Because in a way they are tied together. And I said I was going to be more me this month and there is little that is more me than an odd mix of positive cynicism.

Okay, so I have tried and tried to make sure I stay away from the comments on public posts because, well, people are idiots. But I still look. It's like a train wreck, even if you know it's going to be bad, you look. So I decided to change it up. Make it a game. I thought I am going to look so instead of trying and failing to not look I will just look. If I am curious why a post gets 576 comments I am going to guess what most of them are, take a peek and see if I'm right. Usually I am. Which is sad. So I decided that's not that fun of a game. Even though being right is fun, (Oh come on! You know it is!), it's not enough. So I thought about it, what could make this actual fun? Something amusing to me? Something enjoyable?

So I decided that as I was scanning the comments seeing the idiots in full preen I would look for that one comment, or two, or three that were well thought out. Positive, insightful, actually read the article they are commenting on and have something to add to the discussion or just made me laugh. Because in a feed of hundreds of comments there has to be at least one. Right?

And usually there is. Sometimes you have to be patient. Because the idiots speak first and they speak the loudest and the most often. Why is that true? That those with the least to say, say the most?

Anyway, usually there is something in there that's good. Now the rules are that it has to be someone I don't know to count. Because I have a few friends who do comment on public posts and those show in my feed. And because they are my friends you know they are smart and funny and actually add to the discussion, so they don't count in the game. That would be stacking the deck. So I have to find someone posting something that is insightful (I don't have to agree with their point of view it just has to be insightful) or positive or funny that I don't know. And that makes it the game.

The silver lining game. The positive post game. The fun with idiots game. The constructive comments game. I'm not sure what to call it yet. But it's a game now. It's sometimes a really hard game, but that's because my rules are for me. I don't count "I'm praying for you" as a positive insightful post. I know a lot of you would. But that to me is a post that is a meaningful as "Bless you" after a sneeze. You might really be going to pray for them, but it's a knee jerk post. It's a what you should do post. Have to try harder. So I look. And sometimes you find a gem of an exchange like I posted on my Facebook status this morning:

"I have zero fucks to give about this stupid show."

"If you had zero fucks to give you would not have commented. Was that your last fuck?"

"Zero fucks"

"You have taken your last fuck to give and placed it in my hand. Do you want your fuck back? I have more fucks to give. I don't want to take your last one "

Not really adding to the conversation or dealing with the article that was linked but I laughed out loud at it. Because I recognized someone else out there playing their own game with posts. (Also true confession, I polished it just a bit for the status update, I'm a writer, I can't help it, but the exchange was basically this one)

So I am playing the game.

But because I am playing the game I am also again exposing myself to some of the nastiest of the nasties out there. And here is the ranty part of the blog....

SO...this morning someone linked a series of pictures from a FoxNews anchor about Christian refugee children in Iraq and how ISIS is going to kill them. Horrible. Really really awful. But it made me pause as I read her link. ISIS has been murdering people for awhile. A long while. It's been a terrifying story that has been unfolding for awhile. But I guess when it was just one group of Muslims murdering other Muslims it wasn't a big deal? Because make no mistake, that's what the picture was about. Christian children. We must do something now to protect the Christian children. Hmmm...

Okay... so how does this fit with the very same people screaming about sending the large groups of Christian children at our own borders back to Central America? If you are posting about the Christian children in Iraq being in danger because they must either change their religion or be killed and yet you are not concerned at all about the children who are seeking refuge here because they must either change who they are or be killed there is something wrong with you.

Now I know that part of this is the same as my politics. Because I don't belong to either party I think it's easier for me to see them both as idiots when they are being dumb. I don't feel the need to couch what I say with "Well they do it..." or "We have to do it so they don't win..." or what ever nonsense you are selling yourself. Religion is the same for me. I am not quite atheistic but I am strongly agnostic. So when you are posting about saving the kids in Iraq and not the kids at our own borders I can only see one issue. You don't love the little Christian children nearly as much as you hate the Muslims.

It's the only piece that makes sense to me. You have two groups of kids being terrorized. One group is running from extreme violence, gangs, rape, theft, murder. Join the gang or die. And you have another group running from extreme violence, FGM, rapes, murder. Change religion or die. And you are only concerned about one of these groups. So you tell me why.

You want to talk resources, can we afford to take in refugees? Well can we afford to enter in to war in Iraq again? You want to talk illegality of crossing the border. They are refugees on the run for their lives. If you have the Iraqi people who can get out streaming across borders over there would you judge them for it? Now I'm not saying we shouldn't do something to help in Iraq. I think ISIS is terrifying. But I've thought that for awhile. I didn't need them to start killing certain people to make me think that. Killing anyone was bad.

Ask yourself why you care more if the picture says, "Christian Children" instead of just children. And then look deeper and ask yourself if your opinion of the Israel/Palestine issue would change if the Palestinians were all Christian. Does their religion change your opinion on their deaths? And if it does then what is wrong with you? Seriously, ask yourself that question. Spend some time with your bible and find a biblically sound answer to that question. The verse that tells you to love your neighbors as yourself except if they are a different religion. Or the one where Christ tells them to bring the little children to him, but only the Christian ones, the rest he really has no time for. And then ask yourself what the hell is wrong with you that you would love and follow a god who only loves and protects some of the people he made. Though you won't have to ask yourself that question because it's you putting the qualifiers on your capacity to love. Not the book you should be reading.

(deep breath)

And that's the problem with the game. Sometimes it's just not fun.

But sometimes it is. Especially when people swear. Cuss words are always funny...

Messages and protests...

Fred Phelps is knocking on death's door. His son released a statement this weekend saying he was dying and also that he had been excommunicated from the church he founded. I wondered what it would take to be excommunicated from Westboro Baptist, the only thing I could come up with is he softened. It happens sometimes. When you start realizing that bell tolling is tolling for you and maybe just maybe those pearly gates you've always imagined are going to be locked when you get there. He wouldn't be the first bitter old man to have a late in life conversion.

Since the announcement I've read a variety of status updates about his eminent passing. Some of them taking the high road, "we can't celebrate or it will make us as evil as he is" some not as high, "I hope he is right about heaven and hell because I want him to burn." And I will say that when I read he was dying my first thought was "Yes!" because I had foolishly assumed that once he passed the church would pass along with him. But when I read that he had been out of the church since August of 2013 I realized that was just a wish on my part. Not reality.

I don't have a general dislike of the man or his church. Not a vague sense of what they do is wrong. Obviously I don't agree with their messaging. I grew up in a very religious household and even if I had stayed with the church I wouldn't agree with Westboro Baptist or their message, but it's not general or vague. It's personal.

As most of you know WB threatened to picket Jack's funeral. So I can speak to what it feels like to have that looming over you while you are already dealing with more heartache than normal. They didn't come. They didn't have to. That's the way terrorism works. Just the threat of it is enough. And believe me they are terrorists.

I was furious when we got the news that they were coming. And I was torn. Because part of me wanted to argue with them. To use their own book against them. To take their picket signs and break them over their heads. But that's what they want. They have lawyers in their family just to sue people for such things. Antagonize, terrorize, sue.

They didn't come. But the Patriot Guard did. And I got the chance to hug a few members and thank them for what they do for families in our situation. And that meant a lot to me. And I think to them. One of the guys got all flustered. "It's just the right thing to do", he told me.

And that's the real point of things like Westboro Baptist. They show us that there are more people out there willing to do the right thing than we realize. How many people are willing to stand up and say, "This isn't right." For the 20 people in his church/family that he spread his vile poison to there were thousands more that realized how wrong he was. Not just in how he was spreading his message but in his message all together. When you get a chance to see what the end result of a hate message is, it changes things.

How many people had to re-examine their own beliefs about homosexuality when they saw how quickly, "The Bible says..." morphs in to "God HATES Fags?" How many people stopped automatically fearing the guy on the motorcycle after going to a funeral, or seeing one on TV where they lined the street and protected the family? How many people realized that religious extremists don't represent an entire religion?

Maybe Fred Phelps actually did more to advance the cause for equality than he did to stop it?

And maybe he knows that right about now.

And if he does I hope it burns. I hope it burns a lot.

I'm not quite ready for the high road...

It's a Multifaceted Ranty Type Thing....

Okay so you all know that there are times when a subject has been sort of half formed in my brain for awhile and then the stars line up and I.MUST.GET.IT.OUT.  Today is one of those days.

On my Facebook feed over the past two days I have had the normal variety of this is what I/my kid/my pet did and isn't it funny/sad/disgusting status updates. But along with those I have had an abundance of preachy posts. There have been preachy posts about politics ('tis the season). Preachy posts about eating meat. And preachy posts about religion. And for the most part I have refrained from commenting on them as I usually do. Because I don't care who you pray to or what you eat. I do care who you vote for because it can end up affecting me, but I also know that me pointing out how very very wrong you are isn't likely to make a difference.

So for the most part I don't post when I see something I don't agree with. Or I limit it down to only pointing out when something is actually factually wrong (though I know it doesn't matter and they will ignore it or decide my source is too biased for them to pay attention to) or when I am feeling feisty. For instance, today....well I posted on a link a vegan friend of mine, Chris, posted. Because though her facts were accurate they were misleading. And I hadn't poked at her in a long time about her posts so I went ahead and did it. And I ended up asking her a question I had been meaning to for awhile about her lifestyle choice, actually not just hers but all vegans. But then I left the conversation because I know that we can't discuss her choices for long without me getting offended.

See, I have a lot of vegetarian friends. I live in Portland after all and I think we probably have more and more variety than most places. So I've been friends with vegetarians, pescitarians, octo-lavo vegetarians, vegans and meatless Monday wannabes. And people who are doing it for a variety of reasons. Some who are vegangelical about it and some who are militant vegans. Now my friend who posted today is newly vegan. And as I say about any new conversion, there is no converted like the newly converted. So she is posting a lot about her new lifestyle choice and that includes the vast array of "isn't this awful!" films that are out there. It's part of the conversion process. And I've seen them all before over the years. Even prompted me to warn people what I would do if they sent me another one.

So why would I be the one to get offended if we kept up the discussion? If I've seen it all before, and I've had these discussion over and over again why would I end up mad about it? Good questions. And we will come back to them in a second.

Last year another friend of mine made a really thought provoking post about how much she didn't like the word tolerate, or being tolerant of people you disagreed with. I would link it to you but she made it as a status update and I am so not searching through a year or so of updates to find this one. But the reason why it stuck with me was because Kat made the point in her post that to tolerate something you must believe that you are right and they are wrong. That just by saying you are being tolerant of someone who doesn't believe as you do you are being condescending. You are implying that you have the moral high ground. Ever since I read that post I have been really conscious of the times I have used tolerant or tolerate. It always makes me think now. (Sometimes I hate having really brilliant friends who can write a status update that is deep and thought provoking like that. It means I have to work too hard to keep up!)

So taking that tolerant thought line and going in to the posts from my friends about their politics, religion and eating preferences. When you end up in a discussion with someone who you don't agree with where are you standing? Are you standing on the other side of an issue and making your point or are you on a soap box full of righteous indignation preaching down to the unenlightened? And do you even know where you are? I will tell you that on the issue of gay rights I am on a soap box. I know it. I am fully aware of it. Yes, what you believe on this issue colors my opinion of you. I understand what you are telling me about your religious beliefs and it makes no difference to me. I can know that we are never going to agree and accept that. And be tolerant of your belief. Your ignorant not as good as mine belief.

So one of the political posts from a friend came with the tag line, "Even someone on the left could understand this." Even someone on the left. Let that sink in for a second. The implication being that people on the left are somehow mentally deficient. It happened to be a post about economics so I watched it. And he was wrong. I don't get it. It was all about trickle down economics and how it's good sound policy. Nope, sorry, it's not. It's good sound theory. But when we've put it into practice what we discovered is that people don't act like the model. Instead of trickling down they find bigger buckets to store the wealth in, like say, bank accounts in the Cayman Islands. And when another friend of his who leans left pointed that out he was met with the condescending, "you just don't get it" head pat. Don't get it? We lived it. Twice. And now the candidate you wants us all to vote for would like to give it a go again. Third time's the charm? But you see the basic stance there? It's the "I know better." There is no room for debate there. It's strictly a place of feeling superior talking to those they find inferior. And you get it from both sides (see my stance on gay rights).

Religion. Oh gosh. Here is the basic standard bearer of all "tolerant" things right? What's the most famous line you hear when in a discussion with someone about gay rights? Hate the sin, not the sinner. Is there a more condescending stance to take? Oh, honey, I don't hate you I just hate what you do. And because I hate what you do I am going to deny you the rights I have. But I'm very tolerant of you. So when I see the religious posts spring up I just walk away. Though I am always very tempted to say something I know that no good will come of it. We don't believe what the other believes, or doesn't believe as the case may be. There is no middle ground except of tolerance. Though I don't tolerate your religious beliefs. I just don't believe them. I don't care about your beliefs until they infringe on other people's rights.

So back to why I knew that I would get insulted if I kept up the discussion on my friend Chris' post. Because I know what she believes. And to believe what she believes (that meat is murder) that means that she believes I am a murderer. Now, I don't believe this. I think there is a huge and vast difference between animals and people. I know that the meat on my table comes from an animal, I know it had to die for me to eat it. But I also don't equate that to murder. I can have that argument in a lot of different ways depending on the person I am having it with. But I don't want to have it with my friend Chris, because I like her. She's funny and smart and a good mother and has a huge heart and is passionate about her choice to become vegan. And I like all of those parts of her. So I didn't want to get farther along in the discussion where she has to take the stance where she will tolerate my meat eating. I know that she does. I know that all of my vegan friends do. But it's human nature for that to hurt your feelings. When you really know that someone thinks less of you. So I don't pursue that line of discussion.

And I also know that my religious friends are waiting for my conversion and my right wing friends are waiting for my lean to shift. And I know they are doing it because they feel like they are right and I am wrong. And not only wrong but profoundly wrong. And less than. I've actually had people tell me that they knew what I believed they were just waiting for me to figure it out. Oh my....

So as we are hitting the full force of political season and as we talk about what we believe in passionately something to keep in mind is where you are coming from. Are you really listening to the other side or are you just being tolerant?

My stances:

Food. I don't care what you eat or what you don't. I'm an omnivore. I would be a cakevore but I'm trying to have more self control than that.

Religion. I'm agnostic. So both atheists and the religious get to be tolerant of me and I am accepting of both of you because I don't know which one of you is right. I just know that I don't know.

Politics. I lean left. Strongly. But I'm also pretty fiscally conservative. But in a left way. I think we should have the money to pay for new things which means we get rid of old things that aren't working and we look at our completely out of whack tax code and let those adjust as they need to. And as long as your politics don't veer off in to the crazy birther type areas then we can have discussions where I will listen to what you have to say and offer up my point of view. If they match great, if they don't, that's okay as well.

Gay rights. I will tolerate your point of view if you disagree with me.

Well that's not very Christian of you...

I had an interesting experience recently. Someone on my friend list on Facebook posted on their status a prayer request, which is not unusual, but then went on to specifically ask those that weren't religious to refraining from posting "thinking of you" posts. Which of course then led to people asking why and getting really insulted. Which is what generally happens when religious and non-religious people argue. (They all need to read this article) Her reasoning made perfect sense if you are of that particular faith. She felt that each time someone said I am thinking of you, instead of I am praying for you, she was participating in their belief in false gods and felt hypocritical. Someone else pointed out that maybe by them thinking of her, her god could then pick that thought out because if he really and truly was God then wouldn't he listen to everyone not just the people who had already sworn allegiance to him? She said it didn't matter, it made her feel wrong so she was just asking them not to do it on her status. Which prompted the reply, "Well that's not very Christian of you." Which struck me as funny.

Just to be upfront, I read all of the discussion but I did not participate in it. On one hand I think it's silly to ask people not to think kind thoughts about you but on the other if she really and truly believed that by doing so she was participating in something that was against her religion I have no issue with it at all. Religion is a very personal thing, even among people of the "same" faith you have a lot of variation. And I think that trying to argue your way into agreement about religion never ever works. That's not to say I won't challenge your beliefs if they conflict with mine, but usually I will only do that if you come to my post and say something. And I will usually challenge you from where you stand. I'm not as well versed (so to speak) as I used to be but being raised in the church I still have a pretty firm grip on what the bible does and does not say about issues. And I also know that it contradicts itself and espouses rules that no one follows anymore. Not even the most devout. So my most basic argument is "But why? Why do you believe that? Why do you do that?"

And if you've thought about it you have an answer. And sometimes that answer is just "It's what I believe and feel is right." And I'm okay with that as well. My entire moral system is based on what I believe and feel is right. Some of it I kept from the teachings of the church. Some of it I cherry picked out of other belief systems and some of it I just feel. I can't explain why I believe what I believe, I just do. I'm not atheist, though people assume I am. I believe there is something greater than just me out there. I just don't know what it is. I have an idea, but it's sort of wacky so I mostly keep it to myself. But I also don't believe there is only one path for the faithful to walk. I think there are a lot of roads that get you where you need to go. And for me the end results are all that matters. (I blogged about my beliefs along time ago here and also here.)

You can call yourself a Christian and if you are forgetting the whole "love your neighbors" aspect I won't believe you are on the right path. You can call yourself an atheist and if you are kind and loving towards the people around you I will imagine you are on the right path. See the labels don't matter much to me. And it doesn't matter to me what you say you believe. That's your business not mine. I have some wonderful caring friends who are Christian. Who walk their walk. And I know some people who call themselves Christian that I feel like handing a highlighted and annotated copy of their bible to, because they've missed some of the most important lessons. The same thing works for the atheists I know. I know some that are wonderful and caring and some that I want to point out their whole, "I don't need an imaginary friend in the sky to do what is right and wrong" argument doesn't hold water if they aren't doing right instead of wrong. And of course, I have friends of many other religions and beliefs that fall in there as well. I don't care what you call yourself. I imagine you are on (or not on) your path in life.

But see that's just what I believe. I believe in paths, and walks, and living life as a kind reflection. And if you want to pray for me I will graciously accept it. If you want to think kind thoughts for me I'm all for that as well. Hold me in your heart, offer my problems up to God, any and all of that I am okay with. And just so you know I will think kind thoughts and send healing wishes, and hold you and your family in my thoughts as well. but I won't tell you if it bothers you. Because it wouldn't be very Christian of me if I did.