I will have a better year. Because Disclaimer #5, I refuse to believe this is just who I am now. Because she's a real drag and I do not need that sort of nonsense in my life.
That was the last part of my annual birthday blog in 2016. The beginning of the end of the worst.
Forty seven just sucked. It did. There is no way around it, it was a lousy year. I'm aware of it, I had it in my head that it was bad, but re-reading it through my blog sort, ugh.
I could see it coming in my writing. Now, granted, I knew it had happened so I was pretty much forewarned, but it was still really interesting to see it starting to settle in. And to see that I knew it was happening.
I've not been myself for so long now that I'm worried that this is actually who I am now.
Let me backup for anyone who is new here...
I do not have capital D depression. I don't medicate for chemical imbalances. I don't see a psychiatrist or a psychologist. But the only reason why I don't is because I do not want to be medicated. I don't want to be flattened. I don't want to not be me. And for the most part it works out fine. I would imagine that the clinical diagnosis I would get would be bipolar. But I prefer the old school manic-depression. Bipolar seems like a line. You are here. Then you are here. Manic-depression feels more like a pendulum swing. And that's how I feel. Like I have a pendulum. Now, the swing in my case isn't as broad as it is in others, but there is a definite difference when I am manic and when I'm depressed and when I'm hanging in the middle.
Most of my life is in the middle.
My manic phases are generally really fun. I've only had a few where I've had to go back and fix things that I've "wrecked" afterwards. Those stages where you spend a little more money, eat a little more food, drive a little to fast, but for the most part my manic phases are really just awesome. And I love them the best. More than the life in middle. It's why I would have a really hard time getting medicated. Because the medication they give you flattens out your pendulum.
But at 47 I was really close to going to the doctor for help.
My pendulum swung to the other side and I couldn't get it unstuck.
Being aware of it just added to the misery.
There were reasons. I had a shoulder injury that kept me from working out and I workout to regulate mood. For a lot of us that have small d depression a good workout can actually keep us from big D depression and can keep us from needing medication. It works for me. And I wasn't able to do it.
Brent was traveling for work 3 days a week. He had been doing 2 and for some reason that added 3rd day was just really hard. Normally, not an issue. But during that stretch? It was. Knowing at the end of every weekend that he was leaving again? It was rough.
People were being awful to each other. This hasn't changed. Not at all. But I was just not able to cope with it. I had a few people in my life that surprised me, and not in a good way. They had some really horrible beliefs that I had never been aware of and to find them out during that political cycle? It just made me sad. Or sadder.
And back to the shoulder injury. Chronic pain. Daily chronic pain is a disaster for people. It really is. You don't even realize how much it's taking out of you. But it is taking a toll. Every. Single. Day.
So what changed? Well my circumstances did. I'm not going to lie, that was a big part of it. But even more than that I decided I was done. And I clawed my way out of the pit. That birthday post was a start. I added the #selfiesaturday the next day. It was dedicated to 48 WILL be Great! I've revived it for #fiftyisnifty. And I want you to see the difference. Forty-eight will be, Fifty is. Because I needed to make a choice at 48 to get that pendulum moving again and by 50 I had it swinging, baby...
That first step was saying enough is enough. And then some things helped. My shoulder. My ortho accidentally fixed it. I have a tear in the socket, or a hole, no telling if it is a genetic thing or an injury. But after repeated exams and two MRIs they found the issue, the socket lacked integrity and so the labrum had folded over itself in the joint. While working through an exam there was a *Fwolp* and ahhh....instant relief. My doctor felt it move. I felt it move and felt the pain go away and told him so and he said, "I didn't do it on purpose, but I will take credit." No more daily pain.
Then I could work out again. So no pain, plus happy time chemical release from the workouts. Ahh...
Then Brent changed jobs. Still had a lot of travel, but it was a week here or there, not every week. And it was easier to deal with. Knowing he was going to be gone for a week and then home for three was just easier. And I will say that I don't know if the three day a week travel would have bugged me if the other stuff hadn't already gotten to me. But he is my safe space and when I was feeling so beat up not having his calm self next to me made it all seem much worse. But that changed. New job, new travel schedule. Much better.
Politics got worse. Trump got elected just a few months after that birthday blog. And it made me angry. Really. I went from sad and disappointed and this hurts my heart that you all could do this to flat out angry. What the hell is wrong with you people angry. And that actually helped snap me out if it too. Sad people let the world roll over them, angry people roll on their own. The tone of my political posts shifted. That was interesting to see. I went from how could you to how dare you. And I've pretty much stayed there. I do not agree that we (progressives) needed to change to see them (conservatives). I hate when people try to lecture me about economic issues when the studies show that it wasn't economics it was fear. And when people want to tell me that for THEM it was economics I still have to say that they let racism, sexism, and bigotry not be an issue for money. Of all the lousy ways to save a buck...
Anger works for me in this area.
Which seems odd considering how much I choose happiness. But I am happy. I have a good life. My shoulder will never be 100%, Brent will still have to travel for work (though he has another new job right now and it's been no travel at all so far which has been awesome, and will be right up to the point that he loses his airline privileges and we have to board with the pack 😉 ), there will be bad days, but I choose happiness.
I went back to Daily Gratitude because it helps me. And it helps other people. Science bitches.
I went back to #selfiesaturday because I really like having that record of our Saturdays and what we were doing and how great we look. 😉
But I also know that right now the pendulum has swung in to the middle bordering on the manic, which is a great place for it to hang out. And in a few years when I reread this blog it will make me happy to know that I am happy right now (or then, as the case may be).
But here is a weird secret, those horrible blogs made me happy too. Even though I didn't write much that year, even though what I wrote was just dripping with black ooze, I still wrote. I still told you all that it was bad. That I wasn't doing well. That things were rough. And you all listened. And that's what most of us want. To be listened to. Even when we are saying, I'm just not myself right now. So thank you. Thank you for listening to me no matter where the pendulum is swinging.
And thank goodness that #fiftyisnifty and choosing to be happy works for me.
Showing posts with label life choices. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life choices. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 13, 2018
Saturday, March 2, 2013
If you're happy and you know it write a blog....
Okay, so we covered the background stuff, now let's get to the good stuff!
I left off with saying that when I was unhappy people still viewed me as happy. This actually sort of blew my mind when I first encountered it. Good old Facebook was the doorway to that revelation. As I reconnected with people who knew me in middle school and high school and we started chatting and sharing memories of each other one of the things that kept coming up was that I was "sweet" and "funny" and always laughing. That's not how I remember myself, but it makes sense. I have an easy smile and I laugh a lot. I can remember sitting with friends telling jokes and trying to crack each other up. So it makes sense that for them that's what they remember. The funny happy kid. Now, many of them will also tell you that I wasn't someone to be messed with. I had a bad temper that could flare but it was always at other people, not them. The me they interacted with was happy. Even if I was more reserved back then than I am now. For me the quiet part was the self protection, the angry part. They just saw it as I was a little quieter than I am now.
When I was miserable in Colorado Springs the woman who was my boss would tell you that I was one of the happiest people she knew. I did my job and figured out quickly that I had more hours in my work day than I did work to fill it so I kept taking on more and more to ease her burden. I picked up an entire department and ran it as well. I changed the way we in the office interacted with the boxers. Lightened up that relationship so they knew we were on their side. I understood a little something about kids who were guarded and cautious, you see, so I knew that for the most part if you didn't treat them like they were boxers, but like they were teenagers excited to be travelling to new places and meeting new people they would respond not like boxers but like kids. And if you ask C about his memories in Colorado Springs I would bet "my mother was miserable" wouldn't be on the list. He might tell you about school, camping with a friend, learning the trumpet or even dancing like a wild man to the Beastie Boys with his mother who was laughing like a loon.
How can this be? I was miserable. How come people thought I was so happy? That's because my baseline is happy. I've figured this out over the years as well. And I had it reinforced this week while attending my latest Institute for Brain Potential seminar. This one was on Developing Positive Emotional Habits or The Joyful Brain; the Neurobiology of Happiness. I've been interested in this area, Positive Psychology, since the mid-90s. It resonated with me. That we can make choices that will lead us to happier lives. We can change the world around us just by changing the way we view it. But how does this then translate to people thinking I was happy when I wasn't?
There was a study done in 2008 by Sonja Lyubomirsky that helped show what makes up happiness. This was an expansion of other research that had been done, as most is, but the final picture she came up with was that our happiness is determined 50% by your set point, 40% by intentional activities and 10% by circumstance. Set point is the genetic factor. By studying brain function in children as young as a few days old they can see activity in the area of the brain we associate with happiness. Happy babies have more activity in that area, fretful babies have less. By studying these children through childhood they saw that this set point happiness was pretty consistent. They also looked at sets of identical twins who were separated at birth and discovered that even though they had been raised apart, their relative happiness was the same. We have a genetic happiness level that is set. Makes sense to me. My mother and father were both very happy people. Smiling, helpful, laughing. So it makes sense that I have that, just like I have my father's brown eyes and the same face shape as my mother. Why not their happiness set point as well?
So to me what this means is that it's easier for me to be happy than it is for someone whose set point is lower. But it doesn't mean that someone with a lower set point can't be happy. Because 40% is determined by your intentional activity. Your choices. When I was making the choice not to be happy, I wasn't. But since my natural set point is happy, my "normal" state is smiling, laughing and telling jokes. I have to make the choice to be miserable. And I have at times.
The other part that shocked me was the 10% is circumstances. Now if you were to have asked me at the time why I was unhappy I would have listed all of my circumstances. I was unhappy because of x, y and z. And to a point yes, that was true. When I was going through the worst of it with my sister it would have been impossible to be happy right at that moment. But years later? When the actual situation had passed? I was unhappy because I was choosing to be. Choosing to be guarded and angry about something I couldn't change. Once I stopped making that choice my overall happiness increased. Remember when we are talking about happiness here we aren't talking cartwheels and confetti, just general contentment and pleasure in life. Life happens and sometimes it's shitty. But you always have the choice to deal with it in a more positive manner. And that's where choosing happiness comes in to play for me.
Before I start this next section, which really is the meat of what I think Juice wanted me to talk about I want to make very clear that I do believe that there are people out there that are greatly benefited by pharmacological help. I have dear friends who have chemistry imbalances that are greatly helped by these drugs and I don't want anyone to think I am saying they shouldn't be taking them or that they are choosing depression. There is Depression and then there is depression. One needs the drugs, one needs an attitude adjustment. Only you and your doctor know which area you fall in to.
Okay, now on to the choices we all make.
I've talked before about how I don't do guilt and what this means to me. And I think it falls very nicely in choosing to be happy. Guilt is an actionable emotion. If you are feeling guilty you need to change your behavior. Regret is what you are left with when the choice has been made and you can't change it. I have regrets. I'm 44 so I have accumulated a lot of them in my life. But I don't dwell. Because dwelling is a waste of time. That's not to say I don't have a "Rainy Days and Mondays" playlist of sad songs for those days when you just feel down and want to wallow a bit. Everyone has those times. Sad movie days. Sad song days. But they should be brief stops on your emotional trail. I used to have a fortune cookie slip on my computer at work that said, "He who has not tasted the bitter does not understand the sweet" and I do believe that. If you don't know what bad is you cannot grasp what good is. A friend of mine says that the good thing about being sick is that you then understand how wonderful normal is.
But are you wallowing? Are you sitting around feeling guilty about something you are doing but not changing your behavior? Are you feeling miserable day in and day out but not doing anything about it? Are you choosing to be unhappy? Take a look right now through your Facebook feed and you can tell who is choosing to be unhappy. You already know right? You know the friends you have that can find the gray cloud in every silver lining. Or the ones that can look at a rainbow over a waterfall and react with...meh... This is a choice. And we are faced with them every day. What is your choice?
We all know people who have less than us who are extremely happy and people who have more who are miserable. So we know it's not things that are making people happy. We've all met or know of people facing incredible health struggles that are lovely and happy people as well as people who stub their toe and it's FML. So it's not health that makes them happy. What is it? It's the choice to be happy. You all knew that was the answer but you are waiting for something else. Something more complicated than that. But it's not. It's just that simple. Sometimes life doesn't go the way you want it to and it makes you miserable. That's the 10%. It happens to all of us. But the really good news, the great news is that it's just 10% of the equation. We have 50% to fall back on that is just who we are (and if your 50% is pure misery there are choices out there you can make to compensate for that, you just have to work harder and probably get help from a professional who can guide you along) and then the really excellent part is we have 40% that is all on us.
Your choice. And just knowing you have the choice should make you happy. Now you are saying, you keep saying it's my choice but what does that mean? It means EVERYTHING!
It means looking at life differently sometimes. Like my time in Colorado. I looked at it all wrong. I focused on the negative things, I didn't ask for help when I needed it, I didn't make the right choices. But looking back I see all of the positives about our time there. Including the fact that I was miserable. Why is that a positive? Because I don't let it get like that anymore. If I feel like Brent and I aren't connecting the way we should I tell him and we work on fixing it. If I feel like I have no control over something I ask myself the questions, why? how? What can I do to fix this? Life happens. But it doesn't just have to happen to you while you take it passively. You get to decide how you deal with it all. You get to make the choice. Is it easy? Not all the time. And especially if you have been making the FML choice for years. Breaking out of that cycle is going to take you time. But you can do it. And as you do it you will notice that the meh rainbow is all of a sudden the Oh my goodness did you see that rainbow?
And it means taking stock of your life. What makes you happy? What makes you unhappy? And it means changing the things that aren't working. Either through the way you look at them and experience them or by leaving situations that aren't good for you. And by knowing during those times when the 10% is hitting and you cannot change them that they are temporary. They will pass. Know that it might suck right this very second but it will pass. And sometimes this is hard. Extremely hard. Especially if you are the only one who isn't happy. It might be a job, or a school, or a relationship that is working for everyone else but you know it's not working for you. You have to decide why and then fix it. Going along with the flow isn't your only option. You have control.
So as I was thinking about these things and how I would write this blog I had a few moments of clarity for myself. One happened during the seminar. Dr. Brian was giving his lecture and he was talking about happy people and the fact that happy people do things that make them happy which makes them happier. It's this never ending cycle of happy times. When you are already happy seeking out things that make you happy is natural to you. For instance, I chose this seminar knowing that I am already a happy person and I wanted to see if there would be any pointers there for maintaining my happiness. Was there anything new for me to learn? And there were some things, and a lot of other things I already knew, but hearing you are right makes you happy doesn't it? Or is that just me?
But then he talked about something that was very small but it struck a chord. One thing you see happy people doing that you don't see with unhappy people is scrapbooking. Happy people like to take pictures of things and then share them with other people. Look! See this thing that made me happy! It should make you happy too! And I thought...it's true. As you all know I've done the picture a day challenge three different times. And I stopped this year thinking that I was tapped out. But as January and February went by I realized I missed it. I missed not only taking the picture but also sharing it with you all. The interaction from the picture of the day. It was a way for me to share my life with friends who weren't here. And it made me happy. So I started it again. And as I decided to start it again and shared with people I would be starting I heard from friends who were excited by the news. They had missed the interaction as well. My small happy token was theirs as well.
The other thing that the picture of the day does for me is makes me slow down and really think about life. Today my prompt is "something I made" hmmm...what should I do for that? It makes me think about my day and what my options are. It's a small moment of meditation on my life. And only by paying attention to life can we make the choices we should be making. It's a small thing that picture, but it's become bigger than just a quick toss off shot and post. Because of the way I chose to look at it. You see what I'm getting at here?
And here was my other big revelation that will come as absolutely no surprise to anyone who knows me. I've been in an almost constant state of trying to "find what will make me happy" for my adult life. I've tried a variety of careers and hobbies. I go from thing to thing looking for that elusive moment where I will think THIS IS IT! At the start of this year I decided that I would cut down on some things to try and make other things happen. All the while Brent was telling me,"but the things you are cutting out make you happy" (like picture of the day and chatting with friends on Facebook), while I was saying but what if these other things make me happier and I am missing them? And he just smiled and patted my knee and said "what ever makes you happy, dear." And here it is...this was my big revelation....Looking for new things to do that might be fun makes me happy. I have spent a lot of time looking for a destination not fully realizing that I am all about the journey. I know right? Not a single one of you is shocked by that. It's completely me. It's my personality in a nutshell. I've even said it before, I'm all about the journey. But for some reason until this week I didn't fully grasp it. I didn't fully get what it meant. There is no end game for me to happiness, it's all about everything all the time.
That's my choice. I don't think I will be happier 10 pounds thinner. I don't think I will be happier with more money in the bank. I don't think there is one job out there that is going to fulfill me completely. But there is a new book to read. A new story to share. A picture to take. A crow outside my window who is black and sleek and magnificent. A husband who brought me coffee and a piece of chocolate bread. A son who is on his way home for Spring Break. Friends who are reading this and hopefully realizing that happiness is in their grasp, they can decide today to start looking for the things in their lives that bring them joy.
There will also be challenges to face. And days where I will make the wrong decision about being happy. Days where I will be struck with grief. Days where it seems dark and miserable and like the world is conspiring against me. But I also know that when those things happen I get to make a different choice. I get to say, I will be happy. I will fix this and set my course back to sunshine and rainbows and unicorns. And then I will take a picture and share it on facebook so you all can be happy with me.
So what is your choice today? Happy or unhappy? Because it's on you now. What has happened in the past is done. You can't change it. And using it for an excuse for your today is weak. What is going to happen tomorrow is out of your control. It will happen or it won't. You only have so much you can do to guide your future. Using fear of what might come is weak. You only have today. Your choices today. Right now. That's where strength and happiness live. In the now. What can you do right now to be happy?
For me it was finally writing the blog that Juice asked for. Because I love her and she inspires me on so many levels to be better, happier, healthier so I give her this. Because I know she wants you to have it.
Choose happiness.
I left off with saying that when I was unhappy people still viewed me as happy. This actually sort of blew my mind when I first encountered it. Good old Facebook was the doorway to that revelation. As I reconnected with people who knew me in middle school and high school and we started chatting and sharing memories of each other one of the things that kept coming up was that I was "sweet" and "funny" and always laughing. That's not how I remember myself, but it makes sense. I have an easy smile and I laugh a lot. I can remember sitting with friends telling jokes and trying to crack each other up. So it makes sense that for them that's what they remember. The funny happy kid. Now, many of them will also tell you that I wasn't someone to be messed with. I had a bad temper that could flare but it was always at other people, not them. The me they interacted with was happy. Even if I was more reserved back then than I am now. For me the quiet part was the self protection, the angry part. They just saw it as I was a little quieter than I am now.
When I was miserable in Colorado Springs the woman who was my boss would tell you that I was one of the happiest people she knew. I did my job and figured out quickly that I had more hours in my work day than I did work to fill it so I kept taking on more and more to ease her burden. I picked up an entire department and ran it as well. I changed the way we in the office interacted with the boxers. Lightened up that relationship so they knew we were on their side. I understood a little something about kids who were guarded and cautious, you see, so I knew that for the most part if you didn't treat them like they were boxers, but like they were teenagers excited to be travelling to new places and meeting new people they would respond not like boxers but like kids. And if you ask C about his memories in Colorado Springs I would bet "my mother was miserable" wouldn't be on the list. He might tell you about school, camping with a friend, learning the trumpet or even dancing like a wild man to the Beastie Boys with his mother who was laughing like a loon.
How can this be? I was miserable. How come people thought I was so happy? That's because my baseline is happy. I've figured this out over the years as well. And I had it reinforced this week while attending my latest Institute for Brain Potential seminar. This one was on Developing Positive Emotional Habits or The Joyful Brain; the Neurobiology of Happiness. I've been interested in this area, Positive Psychology, since the mid-90s. It resonated with me. That we can make choices that will lead us to happier lives. We can change the world around us just by changing the way we view it. But how does this then translate to people thinking I was happy when I wasn't?
There was a study done in 2008 by Sonja Lyubomirsky that helped show what makes up happiness. This was an expansion of other research that had been done, as most is, but the final picture she came up with was that our happiness is determined 50% by your set point, 40% by intentional activities and 10% by circumstance. Set point is the genetic factor. By studying brain function in children as young as a few days old they can see activity in the area of the brain we associate with happiness. Happy babies have more activity in that area, fretful babies have less. By studying these children through childhood they saw that this set point happiness was pretty consistent. They also looked at sets of identical twins who were separated at birth and discovered that even though they had been raised apart, their relative happiness was the same. We have a genetic happiness level that is set. Makes sense to me. My mother and father were both very happy people. Smiling, helpful, laughing. So it makes sense that I have that, just like I have my father's brown eyes and the same face shape as my mother. Why not their happiness set point as well?
So to me what this means is that it's easier for me to be happy than it is for someone whose set point is lower. But it doesn't mean that someone with a lower set point can't be happy. Because 40% is determined by your intentional activity. Your choices. When I was making the choice not to be happy, I wasn't. But since my natural set point is happy, my "normal" state is smiling, laughing and telling jokes. I have to make the choice to be miserable. And I have at times.
The other part that shocked me was the 10% is circumstances. Now if you were to have asked me at the time why I was unhappy I would have listed all of my circumstances. I was unhappy because of x, y and z. And to a point yes, that was true. When I was going through the worst of it with my sister it would have been impossible to be happy right at that moment. But years later? When the actual situation had passed? I was unhappy because I was choosing to be. Choosing to be guarded and angry about something I couldn't change. Once I stopped making that choice my overall happiness increased. Remember when we are talking about happiness here we aren't talking cartwheels and confetti, just general contentment and pleasure in life. Life happens and sometimes it's shitty. But you always have the choice to deal with it in a more positive manner. And that's where choosing happiness comes in to play for me.
Before I start this next section, which really is the meat of what I think Juice wanted me to talk about I want to make very clear that I do believe that there are people out there that are greatly benefited by pharmacological help. I have dear friends who have chemistry imbalances that are greatly helped by these drugs and I don't want anyone to think I am saying they shouldn't be taking them or that they are choosing depression. There is Depression and then there is depression. One needs the drugs, one needs an attitude adjustment. Only you and your doctor know which area you fall in to.
Okay, now on to the choices we all make.
I've talked before about how I don't do guilt and what this means to me. And I think it falls very nicely in choosing to be happy. Guilt is an actionable emotion. If you are feeling guilty you need to change your behavior. Regret is what you are left with when the choice has been made and you can't change it. I have regrets. I'm 44 so I have accumulated a lot of them in my life. But I don't dwell. Because dwelling is a waste of time. That's not to say I don't have a "Rainy Days and Mondays" playlist of sad songs for those days when you just feel down and want to wallow a bit. Everyone has those times. Sad movie days. Sad song days. But they should be brief stops on your emotional trail. I used to have a fortune cookie slip on my computer at work that said, "He who has not tasted the bitter does not understand the sweet" and I do believe that. If you don't know what bad is you cannot grasp what good is. A friend of mine says that the good thing about being sick is that you then understand how wonderful normal is.
But are you wallowing? Are you sitting around feeling guilty about something you are doing but not changing your behavior? Are you feeling miserable day in and day out but not doing anything about it? Are you choosing to be unhappy? Take a look right now through your Facebook feed and you can tell who is choosing to be unhappy. You already know right? You know the friends you have that can find the gray cloud in every silver lining. Or the ones that can look at a rainbow over a waterfall and react with...meh... This is a choice. And we are faced with them every day. What is your choice?
We all know people who have less than us who are extremely happy and people who have more who are miserable. So we know it's not things that are making people happy. We've all met or know of people facing incredible health struggles that are lovely and happy people as well as people who stub their toe and it's FML. So it's not health that makes them happy. What is it? It's the choice to be happy. You all knew that was the answer but you are waiting for something else. Something more complicated than that. But it's not. It's just that simple. Sometimes life doesn't go the way you want it to and it makes you miserable. That's the 10%. It happens to all of us. But the really good news, the great news is that it's just 10% of the equation. We have 50% to fall back on that is just who we are (and if your 50% is pure misery there are choices out there you can make to compensate for that, you just have to work harder and probably get help from a professional who can guide you along) and then the really excellent part is we have 40% that is all on us.
Your choice. And just knowing you have the choice should make you happy. Now you are saying, you keep saying it's my choice but what does that mean? It means EVERYTHING!
It means looking at life differently sometimes. Like my time in Colorado. I looked at it all wrong. I focused on the negative things, I didn't ask for help when I needed it, I didn't make the right choices. But looking back I see all of the positives about our time there. Including the fact that I was miserable. Why is that a positive? Because I don't let it get like that anymore. If I feel like Brent and I aren't connecting the way we should I tell him and we work on fixing it. If I feel like I have no control over something I ask myself the questions, why? how? What can I do to fix this? Life happens. But it doesn't just have to happen to you while you take it passively. You get to decide how you deal with it all. You get to make the choice. Is it easy? Not all the time. And especially if you have been making the FML choice for years. Breaking out of that cycle is going to take you time. But you can do it. And as you do it you will notice that the meh rainbow is all of a sudden the Oh my goodness did you see that rainbow?
And it means taking stock of your life. What makes you happy? What makes you unhappy? And it means changing the things that aren't working. Either through the way you look at them and experience them or by leaving situations that aren't good for you. And by knowing during those times when the 10% is hitting and you cannot change them that they are temporary. They will pass. Know that it might suck right this very second but it will pass. And sometimes this is hard. Extremely hard. Especially if you are the only one who isn't happy. It might be a job, or a school, or a relationship that is working for everyone else but you know it's not working for you. You have to decide why and then fix it. Going along with the flow isn't your only option. You have control.
So as I was thinking about these things and how I would write this blog I had a few moments of clarity for myself. One happened during the seminar. Dr. Brian was giving his lecture and he was talking about happy people and the fact that happy people do things that make them happy which makes them happier. It's this never ending cycle of happy times. When you are already happy seeking out things that make you happy is natural to you. For instance, I chose this seminar knowing that I am already a happy person and I wanted to see if there would be any pointers there for maintaining my happiness. Was there anything new for me to learn? And there were some things, and a lot of other things I already knew, but hearing you are right makes you happy doesn't it? Or is that just me?
But then he talked about something that was very small but it struck a chord. One thing you see happy people doing that you don't see with unhappy people is scrapbooking. Happy people like to take pictures of things and then share them with other people. Look! See this thing that made me happy! It should make you happy too! And I thought...it's true. As you all know I've done the picture a day challenge three different times. And I stopped this year thinking that I was tapped out. But as January and February went by I realized I missed it. I missed not only taking the picture but also sharing it with you all. The interaction from the picture of the day. It was a way for me to share my life with friends who weren't here. And it made me happy. So I started it again. And as I decided to start it again and shared with people I would be starting I heard from friends who were excited by the news. They had missed the interaction as well. My small happy token was theirs as well.
The other thing that the picture of the day does for me is makes me slow down and really think about life. Today my prompt is "something I made" hmmm...what should I do for that? It makes me think about my day and what my options are. It's a small moment of meditation on my life. And only by paying attention to life can we make the choices we should be making. It's a small thing that picture, but it's become bigger than just a quick toss off shot and post. Because of the way I chose to look at it. You see what I'm getting at here?
And here was my other big revelation that will come as absolutely no surprise to anyone who knows me. I've been in an almost constant state of trying to "find what will make me happy" for my adult life. I've tried a variety of careers and hobbies. I go from thing to thing looking for that elusive moment where I will think THIS IS IT! At the start of this year I decided that I would cut down on some things to try and make other things happen. All the while Brent was telling me,"but the things you are cutting out make you happy" (like picture of the day and chatting with friends on Facebook), while I was saying but what if these other things make me happier and I am missing them? And he just smiled and patted my knee and said "what ever makes you happy, dear." And here it is...this was my big revelation....Looking for new things to do that might be fun makes me happy. I have spent a lot of time looking for a destination not fully realizing that I am all about the journey. I know right? Not a single one of you is shocked by that. It's completely me. It's my personality in a nutshell. I've even said it before, I'm all about the journey. But for some reason until this week I didn't fully grasp it. I didn't fully get what it meant. There is no end game for me to happiness, it's all about everything all the time.
That's my choice. I don't think I will be happier 10 pounds thinner. I don't think I will be happier with more money in the bank. I don't think there is one job out there that is going to fulfill me completely. But there is a new book to read. A new story to share. A picture to take. A crow outside my window who is black and sleek and magnificent. A husband who brought me coffee and a piece of chocolate bread. A son who is on his way home for Spring Break. Friends who are reading this and hopefully realizing that happiness is in their grasp, they can decide today to start looking for the things in their lives that bring them joy.
There will also be challenges to face. And days where I will make the wrong decision about being happy. Days where I will be struck with grief. Days where it seems dark and miserable and like the world is conspiring against me. But I also know that when those things happen I get to make a different choice. I get to say, I will be happy. I will fix this and set my course back to sunshine and rainbows and unicorns. And then I will take a picture and share it on facebook so you all can be happy with me.
So what is your choice today? Happy or unhappy? Because it's on you now. What has happened in the past is done. You can't change it. And using it for an excuse for your today is weak. What is going to happen tomorrow is out of your control. It will happen or it won't. You only have so much you can do to guide your future. Using fear of what might come is weak. You only have today. Your choices today. Right now. That's where strength and happiness live. In the now. What can you do right now to be happy?
For me it was finally writing the blog that Juice asked for. Because I love her and she inspires me on so many levels to be better, happier, healthier so I give her this. Because I know she wants you to have it.
Choose happiness.
The background stuff before the blog, blog....
It's been a long time since I've written a multi-parter that wasn't fiction but I see this blog being at least two blogs long. Maybe three...
So background time! My friend Juice asked me to write this blog a few months ago. It's about a life philosophy that she and I both practice. Choosing to be happy. Sounds simple right? You just decide that you are going to be happy and do that. And it really is just that simple. In theory. In practice at times it can get tricky because you forget. Which makes no sense at all, how can you forget to choose to be happy? Does that mean you are choosing to be unhappy? Sometimes yes you are. And you will continue to be unhappy until you realize that you are choosing that path and change it.
Okay deeper background time. I have two ways I can tell my early life story. I can say I was raised in a pretty normal family. There were a few rough years as a family member struggled with some issues that affected all of us. We didn't have a lot of money but we never went hungry or homeless so we were in pretty good shape. My parents loved each other and loved all of us and did the best they could in life. I married young to my high school sweetheart and we moved away to start our own family. Or I can say, I had a shitty childhood. My sister abused drugs and while she did that she abused me as well. My parents didn't do anything to stop it and so I learned not to trust anyone at any time for any thing. I spent my teenage years pissed at the world and only through some dumb luck ended up with my husband who for some reason wanted to marry me. We left town as soon as we could and never looked back.
Both are true in their own ways. And I've used both at different times to describe the way things were. Now I tend to do a blend. I don't sugar coat the years that my sister was struggling or what it meant for me. I've told that story on here before so I won't bore you those details. It's part of what made me who I am. It completely colored my high school years. But I also don't dwell on it and I sure as hell don't use it as an excuse for anything. The same thing with my parents. They made some mistakes raising me but they also did a lot of things right. As a parent now I see that I did the same thing with C. I made some mistakes that I would love to be able to correct but I did a lot of things right as well. So I can't really judge them harshly. But all of those things were my past. They are what brought me to this point. Without them I wouldn't have the compassion or understanding that I do for other people who have struggles.
When I first decided in my late teens and early 20s that I wasn't going to be angry any more it was a life shifting thing for me. It completely changed the way I viewed the world. Now I say this like the curtain fell and sunshine came in and all was sunny and light and rainbows and unicorns from that point forward and that's not how it worked at all. The first year Brent and I were married was rough. I was still extremely angry with my family and that took a long time to fade away. I would say it was probably a good decade before I could really look at my childhood and say that it was mostly good with a small pocket of bad. And there have been many times over the years when I stopped making the choice to be happy and paid the price.
That's the thing about choosing happiness. You actually have to do it. And it can get away from you. Work is a tough one. We get wrapped up in jobs and careers and sometimes end up working in a place that isn't a good fit, or has other issues with it and we are miserable there. But we tell ourselves that we can't change. That we have to do it, for the money, the security, the insurance and so we "suck it up" and deal with it. I talked about this when I wrote my work blog series. And I also talked about my last job when I was at my most miserable I got a reminder that I was making the choice to be miserable. That the situation wasn't great, the people around me could be awful at times but my reaction to them was on me. And when I made a change in my behavior, things started to shift. My choice.
If you ask me about living in Colorado Springs I will tell you I was miserable. It was not my cup of tea. I loved Oregon but we made the choice to leave because it would be good for Brent's career and it would move us closer to our family. My parents were getting older, my dad's health wasn't the best and I wanted to be able to have C get a chance to get to know them better. Things didn't start well. Our house up here didn't sell so we missed out on buying a few places that came on the market that we really liked. The house we ended up in was in a decent school district with a wonderful view of Pike's Peak but I didn't like anything else about it. Our first weekend there my car was hit in a parking lot by a woman who wanted us to lie to the insurance and say her husband was driving so that was a big mess. We wouldn't, of course, she did, it all worked out but it was crazy. Brent decided to go ahead and get his MBA while we were there so he ended up working very long hours at work as he site managed the construction job and then added a pretty full course load on top of that so he wasn't home much. When he was home he was stressed from not enough time and having to deal with a wife who was not happy about the time he wasn't there. C was busy in school and out of it so I was running him from activity to activity and also working myself. The politics in CS don't match mine nor does the fact that it's home to Focus on the Family so when people would ask you "what church do you attend?" and your response was "we don't" it could get a little frosty. My parents didn't make the trip up to CS like I had assumed they would. We saw them 3 times in the Springs in the years that we lived there. So I ended up miserable, bitter, angry, not talking to my husband about why I was so mad because what good would that do, not happy.
But here is the other story of Colorado Springs. C went to a school that was home to the best teacher he ever had. She was the one who taught us how to teach him. She was his advocate through the talented and gifted program. Working together they helped to actually redesign the testing process. She told us that she really felt that all of her training had led her on a path to meet C and she felt blessed to have been part of his life. How wonderful is that? He was able to attend enrichment programs through Colorado College that were the best he's ever been to. He learned how to play trumpet while in CS which led him to years of musical enjoyment including attending a performing arts high school where he was able to make close friends and thrive in a small school environment. Brent was able to earn his advanced degree which opened up so many more doors for him at Intel including the position he holds now. I was cured of my vertigo through what was a brand new procedure at the time because the physical therapist who had developed it spoke at a luncheon that the nurse practitioner I saw happened to go to. If we hadn't been in CS and she hadn't been thinking of me at that luncheon who knows when or if I would have been able to be cured of that, and believe you me, that's a life changer right there! Brent's parents came up at least four times a year and also because we were close actually took C for a Spring Break so he could stay with them one on one. Losing Brent's dad at such a young age I am extremely grateful now for that time. We also lived close enough that when my sister-in-law's mother died I was able to drive down and be with her. And the last piece, after reaching the bottom with communication in our relationship when I finally told Brent I was miserable he did this really wild thing, he helped me make it better.
Looking back at that time I wonder how much of it I could have changed just by making a different choice earlier. I didn't choose to be happy during that stretch. In fact I seemed to be actively choosing to be miserable. Instead of telling Brent I was floundering and unhappy I just stopped talking to him about what I was feeling. He knew I wasn't bouncing around pleased, but he had no idea how miserable I was. Because I didn't tell him. And because that's not my normal personality. Instead of being mad that my parents weren't making the choice to come see us like I had hoped I should have just been grateful for the time with Brent's parents. And I should have been glad for the times we made the trip down to NM to see them instead of resenting the fact that they didn't reciprocate. My niece lives there now, she holds similar political and religious beliefs (probably not as extreme as mine but similar) and she has found friends that she is close with and is pretty content there. She made a different set of choices.
But it was a learning experience. I will tell you I was miserable there. But I will also tell you that it was my fault I was miserable there. Because I wasn't choosing to be happy.
So now that I've spent an entire blog on things you already knew I will wrap it up with one mind blowing (to me) piece of information. The entire time I was miserable in high school, at work, in Colorado Springs the people I knew and interacted with would tell you that I was a nice happy person. How can this be? I was miserable. I was angry. I was pissed at the world at different points. How could they think anything differently?
Well because they were right. I was a happy person. And in the next blog I will dive deeper in to why.
So background time! My friend Juice asked me to write this blog a few months ago. It's about a life philosophy that she and I both practice. Choosing to be happy. Sounds simple right? You just decide that you are going to be happy and do that. And it really is just that simple. In theory. In practice at times it can get tricky because you forget. Which makes no sense at all, how can you forget to choose to be happy? Does that mean you are choosing to be unhappy? Sometimes yes you are. And you will continue to be unhappy until you realize that you are choosing that path and change it.
Okay deeper background time. I have two ways I can tell my early life story. I can say I was raised in a pretty normal family. There were a few rough years as a family member struggled with some issues that affected all of us. We didn't have a lot of money but we never went hungry or homeless so we were in pretty good shape. My parents loved each other and loved all of us and did the best they could in life. I married young to my high school sweetheart and we moved away to start our own family. Or I can say, I had a shitty childhood. My sister abused drugs and while she did that she abused me as well. My parents didn't do anything to stop it and so I learned not to trust anyone at any time for any thing. I spent my teenage years pissed at the world and only through some dumb luck ended up with my husband who for some reason wanted to marry me. We left town as soon as we could and never looked back.
Both are true in their own ways. And I've used both at different times to describe the way things were. Now I tend to do a blend. I don't sugar coat the years that my sister was struggling or what it meant for me. I've told that story on here before so I won't bore you those details. It's part of what made me who I am. It completely colored my high school years. But I also don't dwell on it and I sure as hell don't use it as an excuse for anything. The same thing with my parents. They made some mistakes raising me but they also did a lot of things right. As a parent now I see that I did the same thing with C. I made some mistakes that I would love to be able to correct but I did a lot of things right as well. So I can't really judge them harshly. But all of those things were my past. They are what brought me to this point. Without them I wouldn't have the compassion or understanding that I do for other people who have struggles.
When I first decided in my late teens and early 20s that I wasn't going to be angry any more it was a life shifting thing for me. It completely changed the way I viewed the world. Now I say this like the curtain fell and sunshine came in and all was sunny and light and rainbows and unicorns from that point forward and that's not how it worked at all. The first year Brent and I were married was rough. I was still extremely angry with my family and that took a long time to fade away. I would say it was probably a good decade before I could really look at my childhood and say that it was mostly good with a small pocket of bad. And there have been many times over the years when I stopped making the choice to be happy and paid the price.
That's the thing about choosing happiness. You actually have to do it. And it can get away from you. Work is a tough one. We get wrapped up in jobs and careers and sometimes end up working in a place that isn't a good fit, or has other issues with it and we are miserable there. But we tell ourselves that we can't change. That we have to do it, for the money, the security, the insurance and so we "suck it up" and deal with it. I talked about this when I wrote my work blog series. And I also talked about my last job when I was at my most miserable I got a reminder that I was making the choice to be miserable. That the situation wasn't great, the people around me could be awful at times but my reaction to them was on me. And when I made a change in my behavior, things started to shift. My choice.
If you ask me about living in Colorado Springs I will tell you I was miserable. It was not my cup of tea. I loved Oregon but we made the choice to leave because it would be good for Brent's career and it would move us closer to our family. My parents were getting older, my dad's health wasn't the best and I wanted to be able to have C get a chance to get to know them better. Things didn't start well. Our house up here didn't sell so we missed out on buying a few places that came on the market that we really liked. The house we ended up in was in a decent school district with a wonderful view of Pike's Peak but I didn't like anything else about it. Our first weekend there my car was hit in a parking lot by a woman who wanted us to lie to the insurance and say her husband was driving so that was a big mess. We wouldn't, of course, she did, it all worked out but it was crazy. Brent decided to go ahead and get his MBA while we were there so he ended up working very long hours at work as he site managed the construction job and then added a pretty full course load on top of that so he wasn't home much. When he was home he was stressed from not enough time and having to deal with a wife who was not happy about the time he wasn't there. C was busy in school and out of it so I was running him from activity to activity and also working myself. The politics in CS don't match mine nor does the fact that it's home to Focus on the Family so when people would ask you "what church do you attend?" and your response was "we don't" it could get a little frosty. My parents didn't make the trip up to CS like I had assumed they would. We saw them 3 times in the Springs in the years that we lived there. So I ended up miserable, bitter, angry, not talking to my husband about why I was so mad because what good would that do, not happy.
But here is the other story of Colorado Springs. C went to a school that was home to the best teacher he ever had. She was the one who taught us how to teach him. She was his advocate through the talented and gifted program. Working together they helped to actually redesign the testing process. She told us that she really felt that all of her training had led her on a path to meet C and she felt blessed to have been part of his life. How wonderful is that? He was able to attend enrichment programs through Colorado College that were the best he's ever been to. He learned how to play trumpet while in CS which led him to years of musical enjoyment including attending a performing arts high school where he was able to make close friends and thrive in a small school environment. Brent was able to earn his advanced degree which opened up so many more doors for him at Intel including the position he holds now. I was cured of my vertigo through what was a brand new procedure at the time because the physical therapist who had developed it spoke at a luncheon that the nurse practitioner I saw happened to go to. If we hadn't been in CS and she hadn't been thinking of me at that luncheon who knows when or if I would have been able to be cured of that, and believe you me, that's a life changer right there! Brent's parents came up at least four times a year and also because we were close actually took C for a Spring Break so he could stay with them one on one. Losing Brent's dad at such a young age I am extremely grateful now for that time. We also lived close enough that when my sister-in-law's mother died I was able to drive down and be with her. And the last piece, after reaching the bottom with communication in our relationship when I finally told Brent I was miserable he did this really wild thing, he helped me make it better.
Looking back at that time I wonder how much of it I could have changed just by making a different choice earlier. I didn't choose to be happy during that stretch. In fact I seemed to be actively choosing to be miserable. Instead of telling Brent I was floundering and unhappy I just stopped talking to him about what I was feeling. He knew I wasn't bouncing around pleased, but he had no idea how miserable I was. Because I didn't tell him. And because that's not my normal personality. Instead of being mad that my parents weren't making the choice to come see us like I had hoped I should have just been grateful for the time with Brent's parents. And I should have been glad for the times we made the trip down to NM to see them instead of resenting the fact that they didn't reciprocate. My niece lives there now, she holds similar political and religious beliefs (probably not as extreme as mine but similar) and she has found friends that she is close with and is pretty content there. She made a different set of choices.
But it was a learning experience. I will tell you I was miserable there. But I will also tell you that it was my fault I was miserable there. Because I wasn't choosing to be happy.
So now that I've spent an entire blog on things you already knew I will wrap it up with one mind blowing (to me) piece of information. The entire time I was miserable in high school, at work, in Colorado Springs the people I knew and interacted with would tell you that I was a nice happy person. How can this be? I was miserable. I was angry. I was pissed at the world at different points. How could they think anything differently?
Well because they were right. I was a happy person. And in the next blog I will dive deeper in to why.
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