Now what?

And on we go...

It wasn't by accident that I planned on visiting with the Staggs after going through the house. I wasn't sure what the day was going to be like and a safe space where I could be myself with people I love was just what I knew I would need. And they have always been that for me. All four of them. So as I sat on their couch listening to the stories about Jason from the past four years I just had to shake my head. Who was this person they were describing to me? I couldn't recognize the guy that I knew in any of them. I tried, but he just wasn't there. It was like someone else named Jason had been dropped in to my family and took away the Jason that I knew. And that's sort of what happened.

When someone posts on Facebook one of those little saying cards with hearts and flowers about how without trust there is no love I know one thing about them for sure. They've never had a friend, family member or significant other who suffered from addictions. Because once that has been part of your life you know that love and trust are two different things. And right now my girls (all three of them) are learning that lesson over and over again.

Loving someone and trusting someone are choices that you make. And I know for most people out there trust is a given until you break that trust. For me it isn't. I don't trust you. I might love you. But I don't trust you. Not completely. Not right away. You have to earn that. And once you earn it you better not break it because you won't be able to earn it back. I might try really really hard but it won't be there. Not really. I know this about myself. It took years for me to understand it and to realize that it's okay. My trust meter is broken. Because someone that I loved that was supposed to take care of me when I was vulnerable didn't. But I can still love you even though I don't trust you. If you don't understand that, like I said you've never had someone in your life that suffered from an addiction.

Drugs, alcohol, gambling, any of these things that take over your life change you. I always view the addiction as a living breathing thing. And it's a three year old. Spoiled. Self centered. Lies. Cries. Denies. Watching Brenda and Lindsey as they shared stories, seeing the pain and confusion that is there, made me so angry. Now C is finishing up his junior year in college, Lindsey is wrapping up her cosmetology degree, and Jaycee is graduating high school. They are all pretty much grown up. But they are all still my kids and I would still push you out a window for hurting one of them. But what do you do with the anger when pushing the offender out the window would just hurt them more?

You listen.

You try to help as much as you can. Which usually just means listening. You worry.

I worry because I can see how tired Brenda is. She's working two jobs, renting out a couple rooms trying to hold on to the house and the land and the horses and handle the rest of the expenses. I worry about Lindsey and Jaycee both in school and both working. Dealing with grown up decisions about money and life plans that they shouldn't have to just yet. I worry because they both always have a boyfriend and I'm not sure if it's just because they are gorgeous (which they are) or if it's the start of always looking for a stable male figure in their lives. I worry because I see in Lindsey a lot of the anger that I had. And I worry that if it takes her as long to get over it as it did me she will waste her 20s pissed at the world like I did my teens. And I worry about Jason.

I worry that he won't get clean. He's in rehab right now but it doesn't sound like he's taking it seriously. You know how that goes if you've ever had an addict in your life. They aren't really an alcoholic because they don't drink everyday. They aren't really an alcoholic because they only drink beer, or wine. They aren't really a drug addict because they only smoke pot. They aren't addicted to gambling because they have a system. And it's not fair to have to never ever have another drink, smoke another joint, take another pill, place another bet. Other people can do it, I can too! Like I said, addiction is a three year old.

And I worry about what happens when he does sober up.

See once he's sober he is going to have to look at what has happened. This is the hard part and when most people relapse. I've told friends before that sobriety isn't for sissies. It's hard. Especially when you have to look at what you pissed on while you weren't straight. What you broke that can't be fixed. The damage you did. And someday he's going to have to realize all of this. To face the years of his daughters' lives that he can't get back. The see the damage he did to the woman that lost not only her husband but her best friend. While the three year old screams at him to get drunk and forget about it all again.

Now the good news about all of this is that the Staggs girls are made of tough stuff. Brenda is a fighter and is doing what she needs to do to take care of herself and the girls. She's also dating a firefighter who treats her well and is good to her kids. He seems very nice, kind of quite but that's okay. She gets along with his kids as well and that's important. She has stable work and a few plans in place for what happens if she has to sell the house. She also has a large support system in Tucson, people who are there for her when she needs them. Because she's smart and strong and has a giant heart. She's also learned that you can still love someone but not be able to have them in your life. Or believe them when they tell you how they are going to change and do better, no matter how much you want to believe them. But you can still love them. And she's learning that it is a special kind of hurt to love someone and not have it be enough to fix them. Which is a lesson I wish she had never had to face.

And because they have Brenda the girls aren't left to flounder on their own. I suggested that they find an Al-Anon group and start going to meetings. There are only a few people out there that understand that special kind of anger when you, as the child or the teen, are left to take care of the person that is supposed to be taking care of you. It's a safe place to admit how pissed off you are and how completely unfair it all is. And they can help you learn to say no. Because you have to learn to do that as well.

When I have friends facing addictions I am a great listener. I will hear you out as you talk about getting clean. I will support the hell out of you as you are going through rehab and once you are sober I will tell you how proud I am of you. But I won't make excuses for you to use. I won't say it's okay that you are using. I won't tell you that you are right it's not fair that you don't get to have a beer when everyone else is having one. I won't tell you that getting fall down drunk every once in awhile is okay. I won't take care of you when you are messed up. In fact I will cut you off and not deal with you at all if you keep using. Because your addiction has control of you and I won't let it control me as well.

And that's the hardest part that they all have had to learn. That his disease has control right now and they can't fix him by taking care of him more. Or loving him more. Or anything more. He has to do it himself. And he has to want it more than he wants that next drink. And I hope he does it soon. Because he has two beautiful daughters living fascinating lives that he is going to regret missing out on.

So those are my blogs about the Staggs family. I love them. I want the best for them. All of them. And I know that life isn't going to be easy. But I also know that push comes to shove these girls have each other's backs and that's what really matters.

Here come my girls....

For those of you out there that are married you know that moment of luck when you find another married couple that you get along with? Not just the wives or just the husbands or you just like one of the other couple or they like just one of you but all four of you like each other? You know how rare that is right? And then for those of you who have kids to add to the mix to find a couple that you like both of them and both of them like both of you and you all like each others kids? It's rare. We've been lucky in our married life to have had a few of those friendships and we know how lucky we are for that because we've also had a few where it was obvious that only one of them liked us and the other was tagging along to be nice or the ones where one of us only liked one of them or the kids couldn't stand each other or any combination there of. But sometimes it all works out and you have the perfect blend.

The Staggs family was like that for us from the start. We met when we moved up to Portland the first time. We were living in an apartment complex trying to decide what to do about a house and they moved in to the space diagonal from us. Now I have to say we totally bribed them into friendship the way the socially awkward do. We had cool toys. Our apartment had a little patio area and we had stuck C's outdoor toys in there. There was a slide and a sandbox and maybe something else, but it was brightly colored and looked like a mini-playground and their girls really wanted to come play, so we made them hang out with us. I'm not proud of it...

We would haul out lawn chairs on Sunday morning and drink our coffee and read the paper while the kids played. The friendship grew from there. They were from New Mexico as well so we bonded over that. Lindsey and C are the same age and Jaycee is a couple of years younger so we were going through the same parenting issues. When they found a house to buy we stalked them and moved in behind them. Well, okay, what actually happened was while we were helping them move Brenda and I decided to take a walk around the block and there was this house for sale in the neighborhood. Brent and I hadn't decided yet if we were buying or going to rent or where we would move but it wouldn't hurt to take a look right? And I fell in love with this house. It was gorgeous. Big bay window, high ceilings, giant back yard with a playhouse that matched the main house. And completely out of what our budget would be. So we looked and looked at other houses and finally gave in and bought that one. Though we did get them to lower the price a little so it wasn't so bad.

Anyway, now we were neighbors again. The kids played together we hung out together. Brenda spied on our water heater. We yelled at Jody to hush when you could hear his bark from two streets away. And we all got along. Mostly. I mean kids are kids. There would be times when C and the girls would be playing upstairs and you would hear *stomp, stomp, stomp* as they would all come down the stairs to tell you what horrible thing the others were doing. Now 9 times out of 10 it boiled down to Lindsey wanted to play one thing and C wanted to play another. Lindsey being the older sister was pretty used to things going her way. C being an only child was completely used to things going his. And Jaycee loved to pit them against each other. Oh, you didn't think we knew? We knew, baby girl, we knew.

Their personalities would come in to play then. Lindsey is the most headstrong of the three. She's always wanted things to go just so and when they don't she's not shy about letting you know she's not happy. Jaycee is our little calm in the storm. She's always been an old soul. But she's also a little sprite. More energy than you can shake a stick at. She used to use Brent as a jungle gym and when she got in to gymnastics I was amazed at the things she could do, girl could fly! So every once in awhile (or more than every once) she would stir the pot just to do it. And C? Well you all know what he is like. So he would be there trying to logic out the behavior of a 6 and 4 year old. Good times!

No, seriously, good times. We celebrated holidays and birthdays together. When we would go out as a group people had a hard time deciding which kid belonged to which set of parents and even which set of parents was a set! Since all three of the kids were little blondies most of the time it would be decided by people that it was Brent and Brenda that had the kids and Jason and I were the childless ones. I am not sure how many people we freaked out when they realized they got the pairings wrong!

Then they moved away. Then they came back. Then we moved away. Then we came back. Then they moved away. And we waited and waited and waited....

But the friendships endured. We went to visit a couple of times and we picked right up where we left off. You just know a friendship that is destined for the ages and this was it. They were the guardians for C we named in our will. We joked about going in to the nursing home together. The four of us confusing the staff when the kids came to visit and they had to figure out who belonged to whom again. It was going to be great.

Then a few years ago I started to notice that when Brenda would talk about what was going on it was always just her and the girls. Never Jason. Now I knew he worked a lot. Over the time that we've known them he's had a variety of jobs, always finding something new and better with a promotion and a move. And I knew he had to travel in his latest position so at first I sort of dismissed it as that. Then I finally had to ask what was going on. And they were splitting up. There was a story and I almost blogged about it as it was happening but that's not really my story to tell so I didn't. At the time. But during this last visit in Tucson Brenda asked me when I was going to write about them. So now it's time. Sort of...

I'm not going to get into the weeds of what happened because it's still not my story, but I am going to talk about it from the outside looking in. And how divorce and addiction and family and love and trust and all of that effects so many more people than you realize. How tied we all are. How the important people in your life aren't just in it, they are it.

But that's a heavy story and so I will post it in it's own space tomorrow. Because right now I'm washed in memories of these guys:

And I want to hold on to that for just a little bit longer.