Wake Me Up...

As September ends.

It went really fast. And the bummer is the rest of the year will go even faster. I mentioned that we were entering the downhill portion of the year and then BOOM! here we are. But don't worry, it will be slow drag January and impossibly long February again before you know it...

So other than fast how was September? 

Workouts are going okay. I've been able to increase more of my weight and only had one day where my elbow tweaked and I was worried I was about to have a set back. But it was just good old fashioned muscle soreness. Yay! Thinking about joining a gym again to have access to some machines that I miss from the before times. Not sure as I would have to find motivation to actually get to the gym instead of walking out to the garage, and without tying it to dropping Brent off at work I'm not sure if I can trust myself to do it. 

I used to. Regularly. Even if Brent was travelling I drove over to the gym and worked out. But that was after building the habit for years. Now that I've had four years of not going? Not sure. But anyway...lifting a little heavier than I was. 

The running I decided that I just don't want to go faster. I don't enjoy it any more at 5.5 or 6 than I do at 5 so why would I? I also like intervals. Run for a few minutes, walk for a few minutes. The breaking up of the time like that tricks me into thinking the time is passing quicker. Do what you have to to make the workout work for you, right?

Most of the month I've been doing the last in The Road to Recovery series with Tommy Rivs. If you have iFit I cannot recommend him as a trainer enough. At least if you are like me and want to be distracted during workouts. He talks about architecture, he talks about history, he pets stray cats, he chases lizards, he puts every damn thing in his mouth just to taste it like a freaking toddler, and he talks about recovering from his illness and is very blunt that his doctors don't think he will be alive in 10 years. He disagrees. I'm rooting for him. 

Reading, according to Goodreads I'm two books behind for the year. I believe that. Everything I read in September was a slog. Just a bad collection of choices. One of them I would have even put on the Did Not Finish shelf but it was a book club book so I powered through. And not only was it a book club book for me it's been on a ton of lists of highly recommended books. I think it's like Jonathan Franzen books and nobody really likes them, they just want you to be miserable with them. And it was like a Franzen book in that everyone in the book was a terrible person. You had nobody to root for. I have two graphic novels I can read in a day and catch up to my numbers though, so I'm not really worried about it. 

Writing, I hit my numbers plus a little. I do sort of feel like I'm cheating a little by counting the story I'm posting on Sundays. Because technically I wrote that last year, but I didn't count it in my numbers then so I only feel like it's cheating a little. More that it's making up for last year. I'm not sure that anyone but me is enjoying the story (and only me because it makes Sunday super easy) but there are still 11 more weeks of it so you all get to deal with it anyway. 

The thyroid medication has been a thing I take every day. I mean other than that I'm not sure it's really making a big difference. Over the past 6 weeks I've gained a half pound which is better than the rate I was gaining, but still... I get my blood tested next Friday and will see then if there has been any sort of shift in my chemistry. After that I'll decide what I want to do next. Diet? Buy new clothes? Cry in a corner about how unfair life is? A little of everything? 

And speaking of clothes I did sort my closet out and put the things that just won't fit away. I still have some things that are a little snugger than I'd like but I'm wearing them. There was a time in my life that all of my clothes were skin tight by choice, so I'm channeling my 80s diva.

October is going to be a whirlwind for sure. Brent is (as of now) still taking his sabbatical and that starts in two weeks. We will be heading to Hawaii for a week, then home, then to Michigan for a long weekend, then home. And he will be home not working from October 12th to December 19th. There will be temporary routines in place but my normal schedule will be blown to bits for awhile. It's the last sabbatical like this he will take. One of the things Intel changed when the did the massive workforce reduction was getting rid of 8 week sabbaticals. Such a shame. It was by far the best Intel perk they offered. But because he was due one they are honoring this one. I'll miss them in the future but we will enjoy this one for sure.

So yeah, that's it for September. October will be a doozy politically, count on it. Make sure you are registered and ready to vote. Fingers crossed that it all goes well in November. 

Books Chapter 12...

 Books Chapter Eleven

Camp Wildwoods. Just the thought of it still made her smile. Missy hadn’t been able to take it from her even though she had tried.

Gloria remembered the day Ellie told her about going to camp. It wasn’t the day camps she was used to, the ones her mother would sign her up for every summer. The ones the YMCA sponsored. Basically, just childcare when school was out for the break. But they were fun. Games and maybe a field trip to the zoo or a museum. A lot more fun than going to her Aunt Paula’s house where she was expected to help babysit her younger cousins and do chores for her aunt.

Camp Wildwoods was different. Ellie would be gone for three weeks. She’d live up at the camp. They had cabins for the campers to sleep in and they went on hikes and went swimming in the lake and learned how to do macrame. Which at the time sounded so incredible. Macrame. Ellie was excited about camp but she was trying not to act too excited about it so Gloria wouldn’t feel bad about not being able to go herself.

“It’s okay, there are a lot of things you do that I will never do. Even if I am a little jealous about it, I’m not mad at you.”

“Did you just admit you were jealous?” Ellie gasped and pretended to faint.

“I know! It’s surprising to me as well. I think it’s because we are going to middle school next year. I’ve matured.”

Ellie’s mom called up to them, “Girls, can you please come down here?”

“Are we in trouble?” Gloria was trying to think of the things they had done over the past few weeks and if any of them would be worth a lecture. Which was the main form of punishment from Ellie’s mother. That woman could lecture like nobody’s business. Her own mother would just sigh and tell her how disappointed she was and that was worse than anything else she could have done. So, when the girls turned the corner in to the living room and saw both of their mothers sitting there Gloria was preparing to be a disappointment and to get a lecture. She just didn’t know why.

“Sit down, ladies, we’d like to talk to you for a minute and get your opinion on something.”

They sat next to each other exchanging “What is going on?” looks and then reaching out to link pinkies.

“As you girls know, Ellie is going to go away to camp for a few weeks this summer. And we,” she gestured at Gloria’s mother, “were thinking it might be fun for you girls if Gloria went as well.”

“That would be great!” Ellie actually clapped her hands together she was so excited.

Gloria wasn’t quite there yet. “Isn’t it really expensive? I know I’m not supposed to talk about what other people spend their money on because it’s rude and not any of my business, but isn’t it really expensive?”

Ellie’s mother smiled, “You’d be going on scholarship. Your mother and I talked about it awhile ago and took care of everything. We just didn’t want to get your hopes up until we heard for sure. And now we know. So? Are you interested?”

Gloria looked at her mother, who looked a little uncomfortable, “Are you okay with me leaving for that long? Three weeks is a long time.”

“I think I can manage. I mean I managed to live quite a few years before you were born so I probably could manage three weeks on my own.”

Gloria laughed, “But that was before you knew how great I was.”

“That’s true, my love. But I think it would be fun for you.”

“And does the scholarship cover everything?” Gloria had already learned that some grants and scholarships didn’t cover all of the expenses for activities. There had been one time she got a grant for music lessons, but it didn’t cover the rental fees for the instruments, so it hadn’t really been worth anything after all.

“It does.” She still looked a little uncomfortable.

“And you really are okay with me leaving for three weeks? Because you look like maybe you aren’t.”

Her mother straightened her spine and shook her head a little, “I will miss you. But I will be fine, and you will have a great time.”

Ellie grabbed her hand, “Please say yes! I know I was talking about how great camp will be but the whole time I was thinking it would be so much more fun if you were going!”

And so, it was decided.

Gloria and Ellie spent two wonderful summers at Camp Wildwoods as junior campers. Gloria learned how to swim in the lake, Ellie got over her fear of heights on the rope swings. They did learn how to macrame. Which wasn’t as exotic as it sounded, but it was still kind of fun. They sang camp songs and made friends with girls from all over the state. And discussed the boys from the camp on the other side of the lake.

Then their third summer Missy came to camp. Normally the portion of the summer she spent with her father was after Ellie had been to camp. She came for a few weeks in August, long enough to get a new school wardrobe (even though her private school was uniforms only) and to let everyone know how disappointing it was that they still didn’t have a pool. But that year her mother booked an Alaskan cruise and decided to send Missy to her father early. But their father and Ellie’s mother already had plans of their own. It was either one of them cancelled their own vacation plans or Missy went to camp with Ellie.

Missy knew a lot of the older girls at camp from school and other social events, so she wasn’t really even upset about the switch. Which was weird because Missy was always upset about things. But at least the camp had a lake so she could swim and work on her tan.

The problem started with the opening night talent show. Some of the older girls and their younger sisters had clearly been working on their acts all year. As Missy watched her friends with their younger sisters, she kept stealing looks over to Ellie sitting with Gloria laughing and clapping and ignoring her completely. And it kept going like that. The younger sisters were at the right age where they wanted to be just like their older sisters. Even if their older sisters would pretend to hate them and not want them around.
“OH my god, she’s such a pest. Always trying to borrow my clothes and my jewelry! Mom says it’s just because she wants to be like me, but what a pain!”

Ellie had never wanted to be like Missy. And Missy had never cared. Until she saw all of her friends and their sisters. And some of them were half-sisters or stepsisters as well. But Ellie didn’t want to be like Missy, she wanted to be like Gloria.

Gloria, poor white trash Gloria. Gloria who leached off Missy’s and Ellie’s dad’s money all the time. Hanging out at her father’s house so much that they had put another bed in Ellie’s room just for her. And now she was here at camp. Where she didn’t belong.

And watching how comfortable Gloria was at camp, and around all of her friends made Missy madder and madder. She’d take a shot at her every time she could. Which, honestly, was normal. She did the same if Gloria had the misfortune of being at Ellie’s when Missy was visiting. She’d tell her to clean up a mess or get her something to drink. That she should be grateful to be able to hang around in their father’s house instead of the dump she lived in. So camp wasn’t any different. She’d point out her tennis shoes were out of style. Or that her t-shirt had a stain, and shouldn’t she get a new one? Oh, that’s right she couldn’t afford one.

Then finally about two weeks in Gloria had had enough. “Missy, just shut up. I don’t want to hear your opinion about anything I’m wearing or doing.”

“You can’t tell me to shut up. You shouldn’t even be here. It’s too expensive for people like you for a reason!”

“I’m on a scholarship. I’m not embarrassed by that.”

“You aren’t on scholarship. Camp Wildwoods doesn’t DO scholarships. My father is paying for you. Her mother felt badly that you would be left alone while Ellie was off in the woods, so she made him pay for you to come here. You’re nothing but a charity case.”

Looking back at it, it really shouldn’t have bothered her, but at the time being told that she was a charity case was devastating. And infuriating. And embarrassing.

But mostly infuriating.

“I’d rather be a charity case than a kid nobody wanted to spend their summer with. That’s why you are here, right? Your mother pawned you off so she could take a vacation from you. She didn’t want you to ruin their trip, so she sent you here. Just to get away from you. Because you’re a bitch and even your own mother doesn’t like you!”

And that’s when the counselor walked into the cabin. Missy saw her and burst into giant crocodile tears. Gloria had not yet seen her. “Oh, stop it. You’re faking. Because you’d have to actually have feelings to cry, and you have none! You’re a terrible person and NOBODY likes you!”

“Gloria! That’s enough.”

Parents were called. Gloria and Ellie drove home with Ellie’s mother and Missy went with their father. Ellie was furious when she found out that Missy was telling the truth. There had never been a scholarship. She wasn’t mad that her mother was paying for Gloria, she was mad that they had lied. Gloria was embarrassed to be called out for being a charity case. And really mad that Missy had known while she hadn’t. Ellie’s mother had tried to explain that they had decided to do it that way to try and keep Gloria from feeling like she felt right now but it hadn’t actually worked. And Gloria realized that’s why her mother had looked so uncomfortable that first year when they were telling the girls about the scholarship that wasn’t. That the waiting period hadn’t been seeing if she qualified it was the time it took Ellie’s mother to convince her mother to let them pay for camp.

Ellie’s mother had told them not to worry, that by the time the other girls got home they would have forgotten all about the drama between Missy and Gloria and Ellie. Which, of course, did not happen. It was the talk of a lot of dinner tables that first night home.

But the next summer Ellie and Gloria went back to Camp Wildwoods. And the summer after that and then as Senior Camp Counselors the next two summers as well. And Ellie’s mother used her influence on the board of directors to start an actual scholarship program to bring in kids from the city to get a chance to have a few weeks in the woods. And she made sure the scholarship covered everything, including swimsuits, sleeping bags and summer clothes.

Missy hadn’t been able to take her good memories away from her, and she’d actually inadvertently helped a lot of other kids get those same memories. As far as Gloria knew it was the only good deed Missy could ever count as her own.

Books Chapter 13

What a Royal Pain...

When I got my diagnosis for ADD Brent asked me if it really meant anything to me. Especially since I opted not medicate. What difference did it matter that I have a name for what we have always just attributed to my personality? 

And for the most part it doesn't matter. 

Except when it does. 

Executive functioning.

That's the part where it matters. 

Your executive functioning brain is the part that tells you what is most important to do. It's the part that says, first you eat your meat, then you can have your pudding. 

But my executive function is a little miswired. It says first I eat my meat, then I...wait...who was in the video for that song? And was it a movie as well or am I just remembering wrong? Oh my gosh remember at Parkview when Shelly and I used to swing and sing "We Don't Need No Education" at the top of our lungs and really felt like we were being edgy? And then Mrs. Dominguez pointed out that if we thought "we don't need no education" was proper sentence structure then clearly we did need more education. And we would roll our eyes and sigh because clearly she was too old to get it.

And by the time I get to thinking about every last detail on the playground and wondering if kids today still played in large concrete construction tubes I've forgotten about the meat, the pudding and if I am even hungry anymore.

For a long time I wasn't sure just exactly why I did that sort of thing. Now I know. It's the ADD. I actually am wired a little differently. 

One of the other things I can't do is have those fun little phone games. Like Candy Crush. Nope. See Brent has them and plays every once in awhile when he wants to waste some time. If he's waiting for something and doesn't want to get too involved in something else. He plays for however long he needs to wait then closes it and puts it away. Me? Well...

I will log on, play and play and play and then say, one more game, but if it's not an actual game limit, like say you get five lives, I will play all day. Not exaggerating. Hours will slip past and I won't even notice. Or if I do notice I'll say to myself, one more game and then you have to go do... And when that game is over I can't possibly end on a loss. Or a win. Or with something left to do in that land. Or...

And yet I try to convince myself that this time will be different as I load a new version on my phone. 

And then a few days later when I've played so much I see the game on my eyelids when I'm trying to sleep I vow to uninstall it and never load another one again. 

After I finish this land...

Today I played Royal Match (the latest one I tried) for the entire Michigan football game. And then when the game was over I did uninstall it. Because I had said it outloud to Brent that I was going to. So then it became lying to him instead of lying to myself if I didn't. Which is why I told him I was going to. 

Because I needed that extra push. 

I don't know what it is about those little games that hits the sweet spot in my brain, but they do. More than any other more complicated video game. More than word games. More than any other type of game, but those matching games. BAM! I'm hooked in. 

But that was the last time.

I mean it.

No more. 

I cannot play like Brent does so I need to treat it differently than he does and just not put it on my phone.

Really...

And I do feel a little better that I know it's actually something that is caused by my ADD. It's not just that I have a lack of self control, or that I have a hard time deprioritizing something that has triggered that sweet spot of matching in my head, it's that I have ADD and that makes it hard to do those things. Which I know is a distinction without a difference, but it makes me feel a little better. 

Instead of wondering what is wrong with me, I know what is wrong with me. And I know that it's okay to need to do things differently. Like I'm never going to be able to play those little games like Brent does. So I need to never load them on my phone. Or at least understand that if I do, I'm going to lose a week playing that game. It's not a personality trait that I can work on and overcome. I'm just not wired that way. I will always fall into the black hole and play way too much and then regret that I wasted an entire day doing that. Over and over until I finally take it off my phone. 

So I have to treat it differently. Find a solution that works for me.

The same as my goals.
The same as my lists.
The same as my calendar reminders. 

It's okay. It's just the ADD. 

The same ADD that in 6 months or a year or however long I go this time will convince me that THIS time I will be able to play a reasonable amount and load the newest matching game on my phone. Really, this time it will be different, but maybe you should eat something and go pee before you start...

Oh, That's It...

I've been a little off kilter all week. Couldn't figure it out. Then today I realized that if Brent had taken the early retirement this would have been his last day at work. 

Oh...that's it. 

We made the best decision for us given the information we had. Both of us are pretty risk averse when it comes to money. When it came down to a coin flip on if the money we had would last and basically he would be taking the sabbatical he had planned and then having to start a job hunt after that it just didn't seem to make sense. 

But...

We both had started to really warm to the idea. Started thinking about things we would/could do if he were available all the time. What would our days look like? And for the first few months there were some projects we were going to throw ourselves into. Then we would be looking at ways to really take advantage of our part of the country without spending a lot. That was going to be a whole new project as well. 

But then...nope. He's going to stay. 

And the financial media doom patrol is pushing out article after article about how badly off Intel is. "Are They Too Big to Fail?" Gosh I hope so...

It's kind of set me back on my heels just a bit. What happens if we made the decision to stay and Intel itself fails? If he's worked for a company for almost 30 years to watch his retirement disappear because at the last moment the company goes under? Holy shit...what if?

So yeah, I've been a little off kilter. 

And the truth is, there is nothing to be done. We made the decision based on what we knew at the time. We made some educated guesses. And now we hope it all turns out okay. 

But for just a little bit I'm going to be a little worried about if we did the right thing. And as we reach that moment where he would have logged out for the last time I feel a little melancholy about the choice we made. That's the way these sorts of things go. 

You make the best choice you can make. Then you wait it out. And part of you always wonders if it was the right choice. But we might not ever really know. There is no space where you make both choices and see which one ends up better. We make the best out of the choice we made. 

So yeah, just a little off kilter this week. 

Is That a Problem?

Trying to book some things at Disneyland and having no luck. Not for the place I want to go. For the event I was hoping to get a pass to. It's kind of frustrating. 

Some people call those First World problems. 

For those of you that know me fairly well you've probably heard (or read) me dress someone down for commenting that something is a First World problem if I'm complaining. Of course all of my problems are First World problems, I live in the First World. Just by that I can have no problems that are anything else. And just what do you mean by First World? What is the Second World? Or Third? Do you even know what you are saying? Because it's kind of an outdated and problematic term anyway, so maybe don't use it at all? 

Which is all true. It's an outdated concept based on the Cold War era. First World being NATO countries, Second being Soviet Bloc, and Third being everyone else. Then it sort of got shortened in people's heads to First World being Western Industrialized countries. With Second World not getting a lot of press and Third World used derogatorily to mean uncivilized. But why does the West get to decide what is civilized? Especially the United States, I would say our gun violence problem lends itself to being very uncivilized. 

But it also bugs me when people say something is a First World problem because it's used a way to belittle your feelings or shut you down. Oh you can't complain about your phone breaking because at least you have a phone so shut up. But, I'm sorry, if my phone breaks, that's a problem for me. My bank, my car, my insurance, my connection to the outside world all lives on my phone. It's a problem if it breaks. Not something to be shushed about. 

At work Brent will use the expression "high class problems" which is sort of an acknowledgment that it wouldn't be considered a problem in some circles, but it is a problem they need to deal with. Like they need an engineer that does X when they have two that do Y so now they need to figure out which department to try and pilfer help from. High class problems. 

He also uses them when we are trying to figure out things like what to do on vacation. It's a high class problem. It's not a problem we would have had 30 years ago because we wouldn't be going on vacation at all. But now trying to get reservations and finding everything booked even though the window to make them just fucking opened is a high class problem to have. 

Don't worry, I'll just keep checking back and if something opens I'll take it and if not we'll just starve...

In Disneyland. 

Because there is no food there. 

It's not really a problem. 

Is That Healthy?

A friend of mine just posted that she has lost 60 pounds since last year. Most of it since this past June. A few years ago she actually lost 100 pounds. Then life happened and she gained most of it back. Now she's on her way down the scale again. 

She posted that she's finally found a healthy relationship with food. 

I didn't pry and ask just how she managed this miracle but I was tempted. 

I don't know that my relationship with food has ever been healthy.

I'm not even sure I know what that means.

I know I thought I had done it a few times. When I did Weight Watchers, for instance. I was so convinced I'd figured out some sort of magic secret on how to eat, but not too much. But what I'd really figured out is that I could get gold stars for losing weight. And my desire for those stars was greater than my hunger for food. Which became an issue.

I've thought I had it figured out when I started to unpair health from weight. And that worked really well until my thyroid issues and my weight started to skyrocket and suddenly I didn't feel fit and healthy anymore. The weight is tied to my self esteem. So maybe I did unpair it from physical health, but not mental health? Though to be fair to my crazy mind, having my thyroid kick off is health related. And the weight gain is a sign of that. So the weight and health are tied in this case.

Which doesn't help me try to untie those two ideas in my head. 

I've been telling myself over and over that I have to wait and see how the medication works. I don't even have my repeat blood test to see if my levels are back to normal until mid October. I might not even be there yet so it does me no good to get too worked up about it. 

And let's face it, it's almost October. Brent is going on Sabbatical (maybe) in less than a month. And even if he doesn't go on Sabbatical we are still going to take the trips we had planned. And I'm not going to diet on vacation. I have. I mean I've been super strict when travelling before but I just don't want to. I want to not worry about the hassle of all of my normal food issues and also try and figure out what I could eat that will be exactly the right calorie and macro distribution. I'm not even planning on being strict about my normal dietary stuff. Packing my allergy meds and my digestive aids and calling it good enough. I want to eat the Christmas treats in Disney and the sweet bread (not sweetbreads, ick) in Hawaii. And I'm getting donuts at Dimo's in Michigan. 

I don't have a healthy relationship with food.

If healthy means I just view it as fuel and nutrients. 

I have a healthy relationship with food if it means that food makes me happy and I love my treats and they make me smile and I'm willing to put up with some bullshit for that joy. 

Maybe it's complicated? 

That's it. 

If marking the box for my relationship to food I'd mark It's Complicated.

And at 56 years old I think that's the best I'm going to manage. 

Though the barrage of weight loss tools, doctors, books and pills that Insta has been pushing at me says it's a little more than a little complicated...especially since I've researched a few of them to see if they are legit even though I already know they are not legit. 

I just want to be 20 pounds thinner than I am, and be able to eat everything I want, including nightshades and gluten (I don't miss chicken as much but hell let's add that back as well). I want to be able to eat cake and cookies without having to balance a whole day of eating around it and still be able to fit into my clothes. And while I'm at it, I'd like to reach some sort of lifetime limit of workouts. Like I've done it faithfully for years so maybe I should be at the point where I maintain all of the benefits but don't have to actually do it anymore. 

Is all of that too much to ask?

So I guess yeah, maybe I should ask my friend how she achieved this mythical healthy relationship with food...

It Fits...

Now no matter what I pull out of the closet it will fit. 

Some of it still fits a little more snugly than I'd like, but if it's still in the closet it fits. 

A few of the wrap tops fit with a modesty panel, but honestly a lot of my wrap tops at my normal weight I wear with modesty panels so that's not a big deal. 

Katie called when I was just getting started with the sort so I put her on speaker phone and kept going with it. I think that helped distract me from a lot of negative talk in my head. One, I'm not going to model bad behavior for my daughter. The clothes are the issue, not my body. They just don't fit right now and that's a fact. So it was nice to have the distraction for the first wave. 

And two I had already been presorting. You know, trying to wear something, having it not fit so cramming it in the back of the closet with a huff. All of that huffed stuff I knew was going to get packed away. It was just the things I wasn't sure about that needed checked. And some of those things were fine, some were (as mentioned) a little snug, and some were well let's see what happens when my hormones rebalance.

After I was done talking with Katie I put on some music. Hey! Let's make it a movie montage where the heroine tries on a bunch of clothes! The problem was I used my YouTube recommendations and they gave me a playlist based around The Civil Wars so it was all kind of moody. When "Fat Funny Friend" played while I was trying on bathing suits I told Brent that maybe that wasn't the best choice. But it's a great song so...

And honestly the bathing suits were the only part that really sucked. Because I remember when I tried them on in February before we went to Hawaii and I was thrilled that everything still fit and it would be a trip without having to buy anything new to wear. 

And then when we got back from Hawaii I had gained four pounds in a week. I was stunned. I mean, we didn't kayak because of my elbow and we didn't do one of the snorkel trips because Brent wasn't comfortable with me trying to open ocean board the boat, but we made up for that activity loss by walked a few miles everyday along the beach path. And I didn't drink any alcohol, and didn't really load up on gluten or anything else. And then not only did I gain four pounds they didn't go away. 

And that's where it started. 

I finally stopped weighing myself because nothing I was doing was making the numbers drop, they just kept going up and I was making myself miserable. 

Hawaii was the tipping point. 

So trying on those suits and seeing exactly what the past 6 1/2 months has done was rough. 

We are going to Hawaii next month. I have to decide if I want to try and find a suit that fits a little bit better or just be a little bloopy this trip. I sort of hate to spend the money on ANOTHER suit just yet. If I knew for sure that I was never getting back to my previous size it would be a no brainer, but swimsuits are so expensive, especially when you need one with a decent bra top, and I hate to spend the money for a one off. But on the other hand I don't want to be uncomfortable and self conscious the whole time either. 

Ugh.

But other than that it wasn't a terrible time. 

I mean I wish the thyroid medication was a miracle pill and I was writing about losing weight and fitting into all of my clothes with no issues, but that's not what's happening right now. 

What's happening is I hung a bunch of dresses up in a different closet, I put all but one pair of jeans and a lot of my tops into a vacuum bag and zipped them away for a bit. I will either fit into them again by this time next year, or I will have a handy place to find everything I'm sending to Goodwill. 

Either way, it's not me that doesn't fit, it's the clothes.