Re Do Re Don't...

Julie was sitting with Amanda and Beth while they looked through their old yearbooks. 

"Oh my god...do you remember Lizzie? She was such a little snitch." Beth pointed at the picture of the girl in their yearbook.

"She was! Like constantly ratting people out. What was her deal?" Amanda said flipping pages looking for other people she would recognize.

"Just a goody two shoes looking for approval."

"Or...she was a time traveller." 

"Wait, Julie, what? A time traveller?"

"Yeah, so you know how people are always talking about would you go back and redo things if you could? Like if I could start over knowing what I know now I could make my life so much better."

"Okay..." Amanda paused her page flipping.

"What if that Lizzie girl you knew got the chance. What if she happened to be asked by something that could actually do it? So she went back knowing what she knows."

"Why would that turn her into a little snitch? Like her wish was to go back in time and be a real bitch?" Beth wasn't buying it.

"That probably wasn't her wish, but it was the consequence."

"Not following. Explain."

Amanda started turning pages again, "Oh gosh, remember Thomas? I used to think he was so cute. Ugh."

"Okay, so, I run into a magic genie and they say if you could go back knowing what you know now would you? And I'm like, hell yeah, send me back to redo things. I will study harder, make some different friends, take the classes I was actually interested in, maybe invest in a few companies. Boom! I'm sent back to my freshman year of high school and I know everything I know now."

"So you are going back to become hugely wealthy and happy. See? You wouldn't go back to be a snitch."

"But wait...my freshman year. I'm sitting in my Health class with the instructor that I never liked. He always just gave off the creepy try hard vibe to me. But because I've lived through Yes All Women and the Me Too movement I know that he sexually abused a friend of mine. It wasn't just a creepy vibe, he really was a creep. What do I do with that? I can't turn him in to the administration, technically he hasn't done it yet and I don't think they are going to believe the 14 year old who says she's come back in time to fix her slacker tendencies."

"Wow."

"Yeah, wow. I mean I can try and convince her that she really doesn't want to be TA for him or be the trainer for baseball but...that might save her. Knowing what I know now, I would know that it wasn't just her. It's never just one girl with creeps like that. Probably the TA in my Health class is his current victim. But how would I convince her to turn on him? She probably thinks they are in love. And, again, I have no proof. But I'm going to be a pest about him. And I'm going to have to figure something out because I can't just let him continue to abuse girls can I?

And that's not all I know. I know my sophomore year I am going to have English with the absolute coolest girl in our class. I mean she was basically an adult while we were all 15 year old children. I can remember a few times a week seeing her boyfriend dropping her off before class. He had taken off from work to take her to lunch. He would cruise right up to the edge of the parking lot and she would hop out and saunter into class just so fucking cool.

He had taken off from work. 

Because he was a grown ass adult dating a 15 year old. 

At the time it just made her that much cooler. But knowing what I know now, what the fuck, my dude? You and I should have a discussion about legalities and statutory rape and what the fuck are you doing? But is he going to listen to me? You know she isn't. And everyone will just think I'm jealous of her, or it's none of my business. I mean, we didn't actually take good care of kids in the 80s. We might all be telling jokes about being feral, but it was true. We had very little adult supervision and nobody protected us."

"Okay, but still, Lizzie wasn't out there trying to keep girls from old creepy men. She was ratting out kids for stupid things. Like cheating on a test. Or smoking behind the gym. "

"But maybe those weren't stupid things if you knew what she knew. Like the cheater grows up to become a con artist because they always got away with shit. Or the smoker behind the gym dies at a young age from lung cancer. I mean if you went back knowing everything you know now you'd know who died from drug overdoses or alcoholism. Wouldn't you try to keep them from ever using? You'd know who died from suicide. You'd do what you could to get them help. You'd know everything you know now. Your dream of focusing more in class and investing in Google wouldn't be your priority at all. Or at least I wouldn't think so."

"Shit, that's dark."

"Yeah, so maybe Lizzie had bigger issues than being a goody two shoes?"

"I cannot believe you're trying to make me feel badly for Lizzie Rat You Out!"

"No, I mean, you're right, I'm sure she was just a pain in the ass. So, Amanda, back to Thomas."

"It's funny, I had the biggest crush on him all through middle school. He finally asked me out junior year."

"Nice. And was it everything you dreamed of?"

"No! We ended up not going out. Weird coincidence, but Lizzie ratted him out for something and he ended up grounded."

"Okay, that is crazy."

"But it ended up okay, I mean I heard later that he was not a good guy. Like a lot of stories."

"Yeah, did you know he got the shit kicked out of him by Jimmie Sanderson freshman year of college? I guess he had dated Jimmie's little sister and..."

Julie leaned back in her chair. "mmmhmm."

"Stop it. She was not a time traveller." 

"I'm sure. I mean how crazy of an idea is it that she was? But she did save Amanda from whatever Thomas might have tried. So at least maybe think of her in that light instead of as that little snitch."

Amanda shook her head, "You know, she really did. I hadn't ever thought of it like that, but it could have been bad. It was bad for a lot of girls. I should try and find her at the reunion and tell her thank you."

"You think she's going to go to your reunion? I mean, if you two are any indication school must have been miserable for her. Everyone always mad at her and calling her names."

"Yeah, probably. Which is too bad. I mean, I guess looking at it now she was just trying to help."

"Do you think if she did go back knowing everything, do you think she would do it again if given the chance? Like if she ran into the genie again do you think she'd ask to go back again, but without knowing anything?"

"Like she would just live the original life she was trying to fix the first time?"

"Man, that would be hard right? Like her life ended up being much worse because she went back to try and make it better, but she was able to make other people's lives better. So what do you do?"

"What do you do? If you could go back knowing everything you know now, would you?"

Amanda and Beth sat silently. Saying yes would mean knowing that you could help people. Like the other girls who had gone out with Thomas. But also nobody wants help like that so it would mean being miserable for four years or more, depending on how far they went back. 

Julie waited watching them think. Knowing that this was the crucial time. Would they? Would she reach her chaos quota for the year in one fell swoop? A triple dip in just one high school class. Lizzie had been one of her first, with her mentor telling her if she played it right she could pick fruit from that tree for years. 

Would they bite? 

Blur...

We are going to Hawaii in March. We didn't go last year. Two years between trips, and an injury prone, light workouts, heavy comfort eating, year means trying on the swimsuits to see if I need to shop before we leave. 

I made the mistake when we went to Disney one year of not trying on suits before we left. I was the same size (I thought) and weight so why bother? 

Well, I had changed up my workout routine that year. Increased the weight lifting by quite a bit. So I weighed the same, was the same size, except for my back. Which had gotten much broader. Probably a few inches. It took both Brent and I to wrangle the hook closed in my suit before I could head down to the pool for the afternoon. Lesson learned. Even if I think I'm the same size, I double check.

But I know I'm heavier than the last time we went so this time I really needed to make sure I had something that fit. 

I took my glasses off before I started trying on suits. Pulling tight clothes over your head, it just makes sense. 

And then I realized it just makes sense anyway. 

See, my distance vision is okay. It's just a little soft around the edges. I could get away with not wearing my glasses to drive as long as I didn't need to read the instrument panel of the car, or any street signs. Just the things in the distance would look softer, not as crisp. 

Which was great for trying on swimsuits. 

Standing in front of the mirror I could see the basics, does this fit? Am I contained? But the details were softened. The cellulite wasn't jumping out at me. The scars and new red dots and mysterious why is that a bump places were all just fuzzed out a bit. 

I think I have a new best known method of trying on clothes. 

And with the swimsuits that's how I see them in Hawaii for the most part. I don't wear my glasses when we are snorkeling, of course, I don't wear them in the pool. Everything is just a bit softer. And when I do have them on it's because I'm looking for whales. I'm staring off into the distance looking for something cool. I'm not looking at myself in front of a giant full length mirror. 

And the people I am spending my time with are either 1. Perfectly fine and awfully fond of how my body looks or 2. People I'm probably never going to see again. So why worry about it? 

I can guarantee when I'm in the water or on the boat I don't really think about my thighs. I also don't think about other people's thighs when they walk past me on the beach. Because I'm not paying attention to them. I'm looking at the ocean watching for whales. I'm reading my book. I'm sipping my fruity slushy. I'm telling my husband jokes. What other people look like in their suits isn't even a moment of consideration for me. 

I need to remember that. 

And trying on suits without my glasses was a good reminder to be softer on myself. Kinder about my edges. Does it fit? Does it contain me? And can I find something to match so I'm not wearing 4 different patterns at once...

That's what I have right now. My tankini is leopard print. My one piece is black and white polka dots. My rash guard is zebra print on the arms. My swim pants are parrotfish. It's a lot.

Even with my glasses off. 

New Favorite Sport...

Watching people melt down about Taylor Swift being at football games. 

OH MY GOD THEY ONLY SHOW HER AND TALK ABOUT HER!

I saw a post today that they show her around an all added up total of 2 minutes each time she's at a game. Two minutes spread over 3 hours. Pregame, game, postgame. 

OH MY GOD SHE'S DOING IT FOR PUBLICITY!

Taylor Swift fills stadiums on multiple nights. When her tour comes to a town there is a whole Taylor Economy that happens. SO MUCH MONEY comes in. Her tour, the way the tickets sold, made Ticketmaster change the way they operate. Ticketmaster which has been evil incorporated for decades had to explain why Taylor Swift fans got screwed. In Congressional hearings. 

She doesn't need the NFL or any publicity they might bring her. 

On the other hand, the NFL gets a ratings bump on Chief's games because her fans are watching now. 

Which then lends itself to the conspiracy theorists that claim that the fix was in and that the NFL would guarantee the Chiefs won. Sure...let's ignore that the Chiefs have been monsters on the gridiron for years. If people don't hate the Chiefs because somehow Taylor Swift is ruining their lives they hate the Chiefs because they've been dominant. And I respect that a lot more. I mean we all hated the Patriots by the end of Tom Terrific's run. Right? I mean, except Patriots fans and they just wanted us all to cry more. 

Which is where I am on everyone hating on Taylor Swift. Cry more. 

She's supporting her boyfriend by going to his games. 
Just like he supports her by going to her concerts. 

Just she gets the blame for the camera focusing on her when it does. Even though that's not her choice. And she gets either blamed for being a distraction or a plant or a set up from the NFL to generate news or a she demon after Travis's money. Which I think must be football math. When a billionaire is supposedly gold digging by dating a millionaire. 

Or the really fun ones where daughters and wives are finally watching football, a thing their husbands and fathers have thought for years would be so cool but...THEY'RE DOING IT WRONG so they need to stop. 

I'm not a Swiftie. Her music is fine but it's never really been for me. Always felt too young to really appeal to me for the most part.  A few songs here and there that I like. But I can respect her talent and her connection to her fans. She means a lot to people. There is something there that they love. I have friends who went to her shows last year with their kids and bonded in ways that make me happy deep in my soul. 

I'm not a fan of the NFL anymore. Haven't been for years. But I've seen bits and pieces of the Kelce brothers' podcast and they look like good guys having the time of their lives. What I've seen of the Taylor/Travis relationship (because, yeah, it's pretty unavoidable) they look like they are really enjoying each other's company and are pretty freaking adorable together. I wish them nothing but happiness and genetically superior babies. 

But for right now what I love the most is people melting the fuck down because a pop star, no wait, THE pop star, is dating a football player and suddenly their Mojo Dojo Casa Stadium has girls in it...

Love it. 

Still probably won't watch the Super Bowl, but I'll be here for the meltdowns. 

Writing Process...

I've talked before about the exchange I've been doing with Dana. I don't really have anything I'm working towards, I gave up on the idea of getting anything published by an outside publisher awhile ago. But I do want to encourage her to get published because I think she's a really gifted writer and I'd like others to be able to read her stuff. 

Anyway...

Last year most of what I sent her was out of one universe. A continuing story. And not at all my normal type of writing. But I've written like 18 different pieces to this story. And this week I was working on it and realized...I would never want to read this story. This is not at all something that would hold my interest. It's just...not good. So I deleted all of the files.

Just kidding. I just wanted to see if I could hear Dana yell NO!! all the way from Phoenix. 

I am at the point right now where I don't want to even look at it. I don't think it's good and it's not really anything other than a waste of a year. But I didn't delete it. I used to delete things. Just in a fit of I'M A HACK WITH NO TALENT I'd lay waste to months of work. 

Don't do that. If you write, just put it in another folder or a drawer if you're writing long hand and just leave it alone for awhile. That way after you've had some time away from it you can go back and see what's worth salvaging. You might even decide it's actually pretty good and you were just blocked. 

But now I've got to figure out what to write again. 

And I've only written one piece of fiction for the blog so far this year. 

Which I think is tied. When I get stuck on something it doesn't leave room for other ideas to come in. And since I've been trying to tie up the story that I was working on and not liking it but forcing it through anyway I've created a creative log jam. 

I think I'm going to do a flurry of prompt posts and see if that breaks things up again. I'll post most of them on this page and do one for Dana as well and stash those away to post later. I need something to get those gears turning again. 

Most people don't like to live in their heads and get worried when they hear voices...I hate it when the voices aren't talking to me!

So I've got a website I'll be pulling from that I've had luck with before but if you see anything interesting feel free to send it my way and I'll see if it sparks anything. 

Be warned though that sometimes what I spit back out isn't exactly what you thought it would be...

So here's to not deleting a year's worth of work and to finding some fun writing prompts for the next few weeks!

Love Language...

I was talking to a friend this morning and she said that it was just nice to be in a relationship with someone who spoke the same language. It was one of those moments that the bell of clarity rang. The truth in that. 

A lot of relationships are hard. Romantic, friendship, business, all of them. The ones that aren't, the ones that seem easy are the ones where you speak the same language. 

Brent and I talk about it a lot. Or comment on it. Usually we say, "We've been married a long time." That's our shorthand for acknowledging how much we think alike. Our touchstones are the same, our pop culture references are the same. We both start singing the same song when we hear a word or phrase. We speak the same language.

It makes it easier. Because we don't misunderstand each other as often as we would if we didn't. There aren't a lot of crossed wires in text messages. Not a lot of "What did he mean by that?" or "Why would she say such a thing?" We know what we meant and what we said because we speak the same language. 

And it's comfortable. So much less stress. 

I can remember quite a few years ago I was talking to a friend who is older than I am and grew up here instead of in New Mexico. I don't remember what they said to me but I flipped them off. And they were super insulted. Like instantly mad. And I was really confused. Why? I just flipped you off. You said something snarky, I responded appropriately. And they wanted to clarify, "Well up here the middle finger means 'fuck you' so..." And I was like...."Right...Fuck you."

It did not make the conversation better. 

To them being told fuck you was a big deal. To me it wasn't. We did not speak the same language. There was a generation gap and a location gap in effect. Gen X uses the word fuck a lot. Boomers not as much, and not in the same context. Like it was the big bad swear word for them and for us it was the all purpose word. And in New Mexico we used it even more. Flipping your friends off was common. It wasn't insulting it was and still is kind of like an eyeroll. 

If you don't speak that language you don't understand. I don't speak the language where it's an insult and they didn't speak the language where it's just a flippant (so to speak) response.

I'm just glad I didn't make the jerking off motion at him, that could have been even more awkward...

Find the people that speak your language. 

Not everyone will and those relationships are going to be more challenging. You are going to spend time explaining what you meant. You are going to have to find ways to communicate your intent. You are going to waste time uncrossing wires and smoothing ruffled feathers. But if you have someone, or a group of someones, in your life that get you, that see you, that speak your language you have a refuge.

It's so nice to be around people who get you. 

Even if you have to flip them off sometimes. 

Do You Know or Do You KNOW?

I have a friend who gets really mad when she gives an opinion on children and is dismissed by people who point out she doesn't have children. 

She doesn't think it should matter. She's worked in child care before. She's been around a lot of children. She sees children in the wild and knows how they act so her opinion is valid. 

Which, sure, she's more than entitled to her opinion. And in some areas it is an informed opinion. But it does not hold as much sway as the opinion of someone who has kids. 

She does not have a lived experience, she has an observed one. And they are different. 

Having a discussion with a male friend of mine yesterday about the Barbie movie award nominations. I made a joke post that I think it's actually kind of brilliant marketing that Robbie and Gerwig weren't nominated for Best Actress and Best Director, that everytime you watch the movie or talk about the movie from here on out that will be the coda. Totally fits with the theme of the movie. 

His take is that it's nothing but pearl clutching. That there was no actual snub. That because Gerwig got a nod for screenplay and the movie is up for Best Picture that's enough. 

And I was going to let it go but...

I've been seeing this take a lot. And it's always from men. (at least from what I've seen) There is no sexism and let me explain why...

Dude...

I see all of your arguments and I get that you think they are valid opinions. But you don't have a vagina. 

You have observed sexism in your life. We've lived it. 

I get that we all live under the patriarchy but the experience is different. You're like a fish in water, once it's pointed out you might be like, oh wow, yeah, this system has definitely been here all along. I'm like a dolphin in water. Yes, it has, and I know how to navigate it, but I need to go to the surface to breathe. There is a difference. 

You have an observed experience and I have a lived one. 

When a man wants to tell me how there isn't sexism in an issue that I'm just seeing something that isn't there I feel the exact same way as I do when my childless friend wants to discuss the best way to parent. You don't really know. You just think you know. 

And women know. 

There are men out there that think women will blame sexism or the patriarchy for everything when honestly most of us gaslight ourselves about it more than we acknowledge it. Didn't get a promotion we're really sure we deserved? We must not have worked hard enough. Guy on the bus stared a little too long and made us uncomfortable? Probably was just zoned out and not even looking at us. Voiced an opinion and was ignored? Probably they just didn't hear us. We try to talk ourselves out of it. To pretend we don't know.

But, yeah, we know. 

It's our lived experience. When we talk to each other about it we bring it up. Do you think it could have been? Yeah, it was. It's there. All the time. And you think we are seeing things. 

That we are clutching our pearls over something that doesn't matter because of reasons. 

Reasons you've observed. 

But until you've lived it, your opinion just doesn't matter as much as mine. Sorry. 

A lived experience just carries more weight. 

I'm pretty well versed in trans issues. It was something that I read a lot about even before Katie transitioned. I've got a pretty firm grasp on legal issues, medical issues, social issues. I can speak a very educated opinion. But if Katie tells me I'm wrong then I'm wrong. Because it's not my lived experience. I have the experience of being a family member, of being a friend, of reading a lot about issues, of paying attention, but I will never have the lived experience of being trans. 

Her opinion counts more than mine. If we disagree my opinion just doesn't matter as much as hers. 

Lived experiences carry more weight than observed ones. 

And unless you know, just know that you don't know. 

You know?

Dry...

Dry January has been a breeze this year. I mean, it helps that I just never started drinking again after Dry July but whatever...

It's been funny to watch the evolution of Dry January start to run its course. It started a few years ago (or at least that's when it hit enough of popular culture that most of us knew what it was) and it did the slow burn start. A few people did it, then a few more. People dovetailed it with Whole 30 programs. Which they started because of New Year New Me resolutions. 

Dry January just sort of makes sense after the really indulgent holidays. Brent and I did it for a couple of years, I want to say 2019 and 2020. January 2020 was pre pandemic, we did not try in January 2021. Fuck that shit. But it was a thing, it was actually a bit of a challenge which we were surprised by because we weren't really big drinkers. But the times we did drink had become an ingrained habit. A bourbon with our BBQ, a margarita at Allan's on Friday, a cider at the game. So just breaking the habit was good. Thinking about it. 

But February would come, we would head to Hawaii and Mai Tais were ON. 

So what did it really do except enforce that you can do anything for a month? Not just for us, but for everyone doing it. So you went a month without drinking then picked it right back up. What did it do for you?

And then people started making a lot of nonalcoholic botanical drinks to give you the sensation of drinking, the ritual of drinking but without alcohol. Which some of them are really good and I like that bars offer them now, sometimes. I mean, I don't always want to drink water or a Sprite. I'd like a fancy fruity specialty drink too. But they had to market them to people who are "sober curious" and bullshit like that. Because for some reason drinking is the normal thing instead of not drinking.

And just like that, as it became mainstream for people to not drink at all Dry January is over. Now we've moved on to Damp January. For those people who cannot wrap their heads around 31 days without a drink, how about just drink less? Again, like drinking is the normal thing instead of the oddity. And honestly...if you can't make it a month without a drink maybe drying out completely is a good idea?  

I've talked about it before, I have gone ages without drinking at multiple times in my life. I was a bigger drinker in high school than I have been at probably any other point in my life. (allegedly, assuming that the statute of limitations is WAY past) But because I drank a lot then I know how easy it would be to drink a lot all the time. And with a mother who constantly stressed how we had alcoholism in our family and a fairly high tolerance I was pretty cautious. I stopped drinking when we decided to get pregnant and I didn't drink again until Katie was like 3 I want to say. 

And oh boy, that first time was a lot. It was a company party and the brothers who held the party made sure my cup was never empty. We tried to add it up later and think I did somewhere between 7 and 12 jello shots and had 4 or 5 beers. I threw up so much I'm pretty sure my stomach turned inside out at one point. I couldn't even look at a side of salad dressing without getting queasy for years afterward. (They made the shots in the little plastic cups that dressing comes in)

So that was that for drinking again for a long time. Just didn't need that in my life. Thank you. 

The crazy thing about being a non drinker, but not an alcoholic is that people really don't like it. They are insulted that you don't drink. Or at least act like it. And when you do have a drink they treat it like they won something. Oh...you're having a drink. I didn't think you drank...I see. 

And even when I am in a phase where I drink, I don't drink much. A drink. One time a week. Sometimes on vacation I'll have two. And if we are taking a full lazy day at the resort I might have 3 or 4 all day. Crazy! But that's still rare. Open bars are always a waste on me. I'm probably going to stick to one before dinner and one with dinner and call it good. It's okay, there is alway someone there drinking my share. 

I haven't decided yet if I'll drink when we go to Hawaii this year (yay! we're going back after missing last year!). I do like a Mai Tai. But I also have liked not having hot flashes over night while my body processes the alcohol. 

Because that was what triggered this time quitting. I had to stop bourbon because it was triggering the joint pain. (Dark alcohols have more congeners than clear ones and if you are sensitive to them they cause more issues) But then I noticed that on nights when I'd have a cider at the game I'd have more hot flashes. And more severe. Did some experimenting to see if it was something else; a snack, or the excitement, or the odd hours, and no, it was the booze. So I stopped drinking in July completely and yeah, it's better. 

I also go through phases where the fact that your body breaks alcohol down into poison, no matter how much you drink, there is no perfectly safe amount, just amounts that they don't do as much damage, really bothers me. There is no other substance that we'd be like, okay, look I don't eat a lot of poison, just a little bit a few times a week. It's fine.

Is it? Is it fine?

And when that "It's poison" voice is louder than "I really like the way bourbon tastes" I stop drinking. 

Until I start again. 

So for right now I am in a not drinking cycle. People will assume I'm an alcoholic and if they ask and I correct them that I just don't drink they will get a little bent. It's all pretty familiar territory by now. But still weird.

The only other thing that people seem to get really personally attached to is my hair. So imagine if I decide to cut it all off while I'm in a sober phase? 

Heads will explode.  

No worries. As of right now I'm thinking about growing it out to my waist. The only thing that might change that is how freaking long it takes to color now that it's longer. If I have to choose between red and length I think red will win. 

Cheers to that.