Somebody Wake Up Billie Joe...

 And that's the end of September. 

So how did it go?

Still kind of weird to be in the half in half out spot, where I'm finishing out the 2023 goals but already thinking about no goals at all just habits for the next year. BUT...it's where I am so here we go.

Reading: The biography was The Many Lives Of Mama Love by Lara Love Hardin. I've already recommended it to people. Really good. Especially for those of us who are already in the space of understanding that we don't do rehabilitation we do retribution and our justice system often isn't. It gives you such a good, clear, insight into how the system is rigged against success and how any sentence becomes a life sentence.  I wrote about the self help book already and eh. I mean, I'll finish out the year because I'm like that but I think I can safely say it's not an experiment I ever need to repeat.

Overall reading numbers, even with going in and resetting it to a higher number, I'm ahead for the year. So that should be just fine. I think I talked about subbing in the Fantastic Stranglings Horror book club choice for the regular one. I actually did end up getting the regular one on the release day from the library but since that was just Tuesday I would have had to stop what I was currently reading and just read that one, and just read, do nothing else, to get it done by today so I think the sub was the right call. And this way it actually sets me up to not sweat release dates for the rest of the year for her books. This one will be my October book and that puts me ahead. I like to have that cushion. 

Also the sub in was great because Camp Damascus ended up being a great book. Just right in my wheelhouse of truly horrific. 

Writing is still on track. I did the quick post earlier when I passed the highest number of blogs I'd ever written before. I'm still pretty tickled about that. It's a big number, the goal this year, and when I set it there was a voice in the back of my head that was already planning how I would deal with not reaching it. Now it's within grasp. Still a lot of writing left to do, but I can see the end now and that's pretty amazing. Still hitting the blogs here and the bonus piece to Dana every other week, even if I switched to writing prompts for a bit on that one. Though I think, THINK, that the one I'll send her this week will be back to the main story. I started on it and got stuck again so if I can work it out a bit today and tomorrow I might just actually finish a LONG ASS story this year. 

Went ahead and restarted the HRT. Right after I posted about not being sure if I would try the new regimen or not the heat blooms came roaring back. I had forgotten how awful it is to lie in bed as wave after wave of heat washes over you and you can't sleep for shit. So I'm back on hormones. So far they've knocked back out the daytime heat and cut the night time way back. Hopefully by the end of next month it will all be gone again. And, of course, the few pounds that I lost when I went off it came back as well. Oh well. I'd rather have a bit of a belly than no sleep for sure. 

Workouts were super consistent so that was good. I don't think I'll change anything for October, just more of the same for the next month should be good. It's two days of weights, one day of core and at least 2 of cardio but I did cardio 5 days most of the month. I think that will settle out to three days of cardio. That seems to be a good balance. 

No new mini goals (since I'm in that half foot in part) for October. Just keep wrapping up these 2023 numbers. I've got the bio the self help and the Stranglings books already downloaded on my Kindle so that will be smooth sailing as well. 

Enjoy your Fall, y'all!

Nightmares...

She had had the dream for as long as she could remember. 

Everyone has their own version of stress dreams. Showing up at school not prepared for a final exam, or in your pajamas, or less.

Needing to get to work but not remembering how to get there.

Driving in a car and then the road suddenly ends.

There are a million different versions of stress dreams. Everyone has them.

Hers had been with her so long that she recognized when it would start. Something in her subconscious would be awake enough to think, oh here we are again. She was never aware enough to stop it at that point, but she knew it was happening. Which made it worse. 

She guessed that was part of the stress reaction for her, knowing something was going wrong and not being able to stop it. 

And she could never put her finger on why it was so upsetting when she would think about it later. 

Like, some nightmares are clearly scary: when you were having them, when you woke up and thought about them, when you told someone else about them. 

And most stress dreams are understandable. Of course it would be stressful to show up for a test you hadn't studied for. We all could imagine that feeling. 

But her stress dream was a set of stairs. 

They were steep. That was true. And that could be a little much for people who didn't like heights, or ladders, but she wasn't one of those people. She had once done a hike up a "forbidden staircase" that was nothing but bits of rebar that had been nailed into the side of a rock face. Slippery, spaced oddly, only a staircase if you used your imagination. It had been awesome. 

But that set of stairs in her dream? 

It would make her feel uneasy the whole next day. 

The dream would start with her in a building somewhere. The building always changed but there would be a point where she would be faced with the stairs. Those steep, narrow, stairs. And even though she never wanted to she would always know she had to climb them. The feeling of dread would grow heavier and heavier the further up the staircase she went. The stairs would seem steeper and steeper as well. And so far apart. Like room for three or four steps for each one. 

Narrow, steep, hard to climb.

But she had to climb them. No matter how much the fear gripped her. No matter how much her legs would shake and her palms would sweat. 

She couldn't tell you what was at the top of the stairs. She'd never made it. Sometimes she slipped and would wake as she fell. Sometimes she just got stuck, couldn't move forward or back, just stood there panicking until she woke up covered in slick of cold sweat. 

She hated those fucking stairs. 

She had a psychologist ask her if it was a repressed memory. Something from her childhood that had happened up a set of stairs. Or on a set of stairs. Or around a set of stairs. She had thought, or near a set of stairs, or when she had first learned the word stairs, or maybe someone had stared at her and her mind had turned that into a set of stairs. In other words, she didn't really buy into the whole repressed memory thing even back when it was very popular. And if it were repressed, then how would she know? It would be repressed.

She never knew why she reacted to them. Never knew why they were so terrifying. But they were. And they were consistent. Dreams about them for as long as she could remember. 

But today was the first time she'd ever seen them in real life. 

Heart pounding she took the first step.

Woo Hoo!

Okay, I was going to write fiction today, and I still might but I needed NEEDED to get this blog post out of the way first. 

This post.

This very one. 

The one you have open on your screen.

This post is the 186th post of the year.

Which makes it the most blog posts I've ever posted in one year.

I know, it's not the goal number for the year. I haven't reached that. But I'm still really thrilled by it. 

And you really should celebrate the small steps that lead you to your goals. 

I have a friend right now in Flight Attendant training and at the end of every week she posts that she's one more week down and how many are left to go. I am so psyched for her every week. Because, yes, her goal is to finish the training (a lot of her fellow potential flight attendants have already been sent home) but to finish the training she needs to finish each week. And each day. Celebrate those steps!

It reminds me of when I was in Weight Watchers, back before they started calling it WW and you got stars for every 5 pounds and 10 pounds and trinkets for percentages and then goal and then weeks at goal and so on. Now, of course, you all know for me it triggered the crazy and I kept going for another 5 pound star but still...CELEBRATE every step on the way to your bigger goals. 

And today I passed what used to be the "Best Year Ever" number. 

Now back to thinking about the fiction I want to post by Saturday...

Maybe a story about a woman who wrote a lot of blogs?

Oh no...I want to write FICTION and I totally did that!

Stay Mad...

Five years ago was the day we heard Dr. Ford and (now) Justice Kavanaugh give testimony during (then) Federal Judge for Life Kavanaugh's confirmation hearings for him to sit on the Supreme Court.

Three years ago I posted that two years later and I was still furious. 

I can confirm that I still am.

On the day it was happening I sort of live updated the hearings. My reactions to everything that was said by each of them and by the Senators doing the hearing. I'm still just...I mean pissed doesn't really cover it. It didn't then and it doesn't now. 

He lied. He sat there and lied and yet...

And I'm not even talking about him lying about what happened to Dr. Ford. I will say that none of us other than the three of them that were there actually know what happened. I know that I believe her. But I will never know for sure because we can't. I'm talking about him lying about other things. Which makes me doubt he was telling the truth about her.

Any Gen Xer watching him get questioned had to yell bullshit, or laugh in disbelief when he tried to say "The Devil's Triangle" is a drinking game. Or that he was of legal drinking age in high school. Or that boofing was butt chugging alcohol. None of that is true. And yet, nobody called him out on it. He lied. On record. About bullshit stuff that he didn't need to lie about. Though, I guess if you and a buddy are being accused of trapping a woman in a room and trying to tear her clothes off having a post in your yearbook about the devil's triangle might be well...inconvenient. (For those of you who aren't Gen X the devil's triangle is a three way where you have two men and a woman instead of two women and a man, casual homophobia was pretty common in the 80s)

He also said that he would never give a democrat a fair hearing. And I guess that's true. But shouldn't it have been disqualifying? 

And he was belligerent (I LIKE BEER) and acted like sitting on the Supreme Court was something he was owed. Something that people were trying to take away from him. I mean, not by force, nobody locked him in a room and tried to strip him of his judicial robes or anything. And I mean, not even like legally deciding that his own bodily autonomy was up for debate. But you know, he was owed that seat and how dare anyone suggest otherwise. 

And the one piece that has always boggled my brain (not like it wasn't already boggled from the rest but this one stuck out so much) he pulled that damn calendar out like it was a proof of innocence when on the day that Dr. Ford said it happened he had marked having 'skis with the folks that Dr. Ford said were at this impromptu house party. She wouldn't have seen that calendar ahead of time so how would she have known to say those people were there drinking? You know, unless she was telling the truth. 

And to have him flourish it out like it was proof he didn't do it because he wrote everything on his calendar and you can clearly see that "Tried to rape a girl at a party" wasn't on there so... Now don't you feel silly even asking? 

There was also Senator Hatch when asked if he found Dr. Ford's testimony credible saying she was very attractive... what? I mean... What?

Five years later and it still just makes me so angry. Deeply angry. 

And I'm okay with that. I hope there never comes a day where I don't feel a growing rage as I read back over what was being said. I hope I never decide that it's just a thing that happened and no big deal. I hope my face always does that my face thing when I think about it. 

Stay mad when things deserve your spite. 

And that day, those Senators, that man, deserve your spite. 

Art and Artist Again...

Finished Stephen King's latest book Holly today. I love the character, I think this is his fourth book she's in, though this is the first novel where she's the main character. 

The book is set in 2021-2022 and he wrote it in 2021. So Covid features as almost another character. 

It's weird. Books and TV shows that are in that timeline, and are supposed to be in "our" world that have to deal with Covid are jarring in a way. But in another way it's weird when it doesn't. Like the last story that featured Holly was a short story set in December 2020 but he wrote it in 2019 so he had no idea what was coming. Reading that and following dates it was odd as well. It was like, nope, she wouldn't be doing any of that because you couldn't. 

And this time it was weird reading it because some of the things we thought back then we don't really think anymore and some of the worst of the pandemic things we'd all like to not think about. Like how every conversation seemed to be about Covid in one way or another. And how just wearing a mask in public was seen as some sort of political statement. 

After I finished and marked it as read on Goodreads I checked out the reviews. 

And people were pissed. 

How dare he push the idea that people should get vaccinated and wear masks! Holly is a hypochondriac and the story starts with her mother dying from Covid. Of course she was going to be really careful about masking and space and vaccines. But King dared to talk about it. A lot. Because that's the way it was in 2021 and 2022. 

He also isn't a Trump fan. His account on what was Twitter was clear on that. And he has some characters that are not Trump fans. To be fair he has some that are as well. But his personal opinion is fairly clear and some of his characters share that opinion. And there are so many people who are NEVER going to read him again because of it. 

Well, I'm sure he's very upset about that. I mean struggling writers need all the readers that they can get...

But there was a lot of bluster about how artists need to keep their politics out of their work. That they read to escape the real world, the don't want it in their escapism. 

I so disagree with that. 

I mean, I get it. Even agreeing with King's politics it was a bit much. I'd like to get back to a place where we don't think about the virus constantly (even though right now you should be paying attention because there is another surge happening with the new strain) and I'd love to get back to a place where Trump is irrelevant. But I don't get to dictate what other people want to talk about, write about, sing about. 

A few years ago I had a disagreement with two friends on Facebook about this. (to be fair I disagree with people about this all the time, it's just this one stuck out) That if you go to a concert the artist shouldn't talk politics. It's about the songs, not about their beliefs. I so fully disagree with that. If you just want to hear their music without the banter listen to it at home, not live. Your ticket does not pay for them silencing their opinion. The reason why it stuck out to me is that they are very much opposite politically but both think the "shut up and sing" model should be followed. And they both sort of decided since they agreed with each other I should admit I was wrong.

Well...

No.

Entertainment can be politics free or politically filled. You don't have to see artists that don't match your views. There are quite a few singers I'd never pay to go see. That's the only place I get to decide. I don't get to tell them to not talk, I just don't have to pay to listen. 

I don't get to tell King to shush about Covid and Trump already. I just don't have to buy his books. And apparently a lot of people won't anymore. Though his politics have almost always had an underlying vibe in his books so it's weird that you wouldn't expect it. But that is the Trumpinization of things. They probably would have been fine if the only Trump mention was the owner of the bowling alley talking about the Democrats stealing the election, but one bad word about him and well, they aren't going to sit with you anymore. 

I feel that way about people who talk positively about him, so I get it. 

And even though I think it's weird that you wouldn't expect it from King, I also don't think it's a wrong stance to take that you aren't going to read his stuff anymore. 

That's the choice you get to make. 

The choice you don't get to make is his choice to do it or not. He gets to decide what and how he speaks about things. Even Covid and Trump. 

But I am looking forward to a time where we don't speak about either one anymore, because they aren't causing major damage anymore. 

Fingers crossed it comes soon. 

Separation of Blog and Post...

So yesterday was Bisexuality Visibility Day. I made a post about it on Facebook and then realized that though I've talked about it here in the blogs I didn't make like some sort of announcement a few years ago when I finally took the label as mine. 

And it's not the first time that has happened. Where I will post something, or be talking to someone about something, and realize they have no idea what I'm talking about even though I've talked about it at length. But on my blog. 

Can you believe there are people who don't read my blog? I know, right?

But it is odd sometimes. I'm really open here. I'm really open most places, honestly. But here is long form. I've written paragraphs, pages, books of my thoughts about things. All of the nuance, all of the details are here. There it's just short blips. Or sometimes longer posts as well. I can't help it, some things are complicated and need paragraphs, not sound bite sized clips, but even a long post there isn't the same as short blog here.

I think we, the whole we, just want to be seen and understood. We all grasp that we are complicated and don't want to be misunderstood so we try and try to be clear, or clear things up that aren't clear. 

We just want to be seen. 

Even on days that aren't to mark how entire groups of people are erased from history (PICK A SIDE!).

I think that's really what drives me the most. I want to be understood. I want to understand others. I want that moment where it all clicks together and I know why you do what you do. Why you think the way you think. Where I feel like I really know something about you. And I want you to have that moment with me. 

I think we all do.

Think of how many relationships end with that feeling of "You didn't even know me at all."

What a good thing it is to be seen. To be understood. To be known. 

Sometimes I will get a text or a message from someone where they will share a story and then apologize for getting too personal. I always have to tell people that it's okay. That I don't want their superficial when I can have their deep. I am never going to be mad at you for sharing a story or a touch point. Never. If you are on my friend list, you are there for a reason and the better we know each other the better in my book. Let me see who you really are.

Is that the basis of loving someone? Seeing them? If you say you love someone but you don't really understand them is it that you love them, or you love who you think they are? Or what you can project about yourself on to them?

I've heard that said about Obama when he ran for President. People didn't really know him. He didn't have much of a record in public office just yet. So it was easy to project on to him who they wanted him to be. Hope and change meant something different to everyone and we all put our own version of that on to him. By the end of his presidency when we all felt like we knew who he was a little more there were people that were disappointed. He let them down. He wasn't who they thought he was. But whose fault was that? Had you seen him or had you projected on him what you wanted?

How many personal relationships are like that? You just needed someone to be a certain way and when they weren't you were disappointed. Whose fault was it? Them for not being that person or you for not seeing who they really are?

As I'm looking at my new year no goals just be plan I'm thinking more and more about the way I use social media. Should there be a separation of blog and posts? Should I keep the Facebook/Insta/Threads (if I ever start posting on Threads) lighter and superficial or should I keep the balance I have now between sometimes it's preachy (yes, it's okay, I know I get preachy) and sometimes it's just cats or should I make it just like the blog, a lot more personal?

I'm not sure. 

I just know I want to be seen and to see as well. 

Why?

The workout program that came with my treadmill has trainers that you walk/jog/hike with. One of their favorite things to say is "What is your why?" It's standard fitness talk. Why are you working out? You have to find your why or on days that you just don't feel like it, which face it are most, you just won't. 

What is your why? Is it being fit enough to play with your kids or your grandkids? Is it wanting to lose weight? Is it wanting to lower your blood pressure? On and on, what is your why? As you all know my why is I move so I can keep moving. If I'm not active my arthritis gets really painful. My other why is that I like having muscles. That's why I lift weights. I'd rather have biceps than bingo wings. And at 55 I'm trying to make peace with having a little of both. 

What is your why?

I was thinking about that yesterday and how when Katie was little she used to do the endless whys. You know that one if you've been around little ones. The Why Game. Why is the cat asleep? Because he's tired. Why? Because he was playing with his toys and that makes him tired. Why? You answer that question and get another why and another and another and another, until finally you are out of answers. And you either say I don't know or because I said so, depending on your mood. 

Thinking about that and I realized I have played the why game with myself for a long time as well. And I highly recommend it to everyone.

Why do you believe what you do?

Why do you act the way you do?

Why do you value this or that friendship or relationship?

Why? 

And keep drilling down those whys. It's a good way to understand the real why as to what you believe. 

And maybe a good start on changing that belief if it needs to be changed. 

Question your answers. Question your beliefs. Question everything. Be really solid in your why.

If you can't answer why then ask yourself if it's really worth holding on to. 

We can see them limiting the whys in education. You can't teach certain things. You can't ask certain questions. You can't acknowledge certain things. There are laws in place in multiple states that teachers can't present information that makes white kids feel badly about being white. When instead of saying you can't teach that somebody should be asking those kids why. Why does this make you feel badly about being white? Why? Ask and ask again. We do not learn if we limit the whys. 

Education should be about unlimited whys. Get all the answers you can get. Get them from all sorts of different people. Ask and then ask again. You need to understand fully what you are being taught and the only way to manage that is to ask why.

I know I'm completely biased about this because my parents raised me to question everything even if I came up with different answers than they did. I make the joke that they were even good natured about the first thing I questioned was their church and the next their politics. It's part of why I am fairly good (losing some of it now, the longer I've been away) with being able to argue points about religion and conservatism. It's because they were my beliefs for awhile. Until I started questioning why. Why do I believe this? Why do I think this is right? Why doesn't this align with other things I believe? Which one needs to change? And why? 

I didn't stay with the church or with the republican party. My whys lead me down a different path. But they weren't easy, quick, flash decisions, there were a lot of whys first. And I'm really comfortable with the ultimate decisions that I made because of those whys. Ask yourself why you believe what you believe. Ask yourself why you are voting for who you vote for. And then keep asking why. 

A mother is teaching her daughter how to cook the family Easter dinner. The first thing they do is cut the ham in half then season it with the apricot jelly. The daughter asks why do you cut the ham in half? 

Her mother is stumped. She doesn't know. It's just the way she was taught by her mother. So they call the grandmother. Why do you cut the ham in half before getting it ready to cook? She doesn't know either. It's just the way her mother taught her to do it. 

Luckily Great Grandmother is still with them so they call her and ask. Why do we cut the ham in half before cooking it? 

Oh, because our oven was too small for the whole ham to fit. 

Always ask why.