Settling...

Talked to a cabinet guy today. Looks like I can get my bank of cabinets done in January. Maybe sooner if someone drops off the schedule since what I want is really simple. Of course if when I get the estimate tomorrow it's outrageously priced then I will be starting all over. 

Which has kind of been the way things have worked with this house. 

Start with big ideas!

Try and get ANYONE to come give me estimates. 

Finally get an estimate for what I was thinking. 

Realize that my imagination has run wild with Brent's bank account. 

Pare down. 

Pare down again. 

Adjust time estimates for when these things can be done. 

Pare down again. 

And go!

Remember when I thought we'd be all settled in by Fall?

Ha!! 

Oh sweet summer child...

Now it really is looking like Spring of 2023.

A year to settle in. 

A year of settling. 

It's been a good lesson in appreciating what you can have instead of lamenting what you can't. 

It's been a good lesson in the practical application of bigger dreams.

It's been a good lesson in patience. 

It's been...

It's been frustrating and tiring and a little disheartening at times. 

But it will all be great once it's done. And we will barely notice the things we didn't do because of time or money. 

Until we completely remodel in 15 years and THEN we will put in all of the things we will have wished we'd gone ahead and gotten done this time...

But for now we are settling. 

Sorted!

Did the big season transition sort today. Technically our weather is still in the "who knows!" part of the year, but with the new house and bigger closet my entire wardrobe is actually out. No switch from under the bed storage to in the closet wearable. So first full day of Fall seemed like a good time to do the sort.

Got rid of a few things. Some shoes that were past their prime or that I have never worn because the idea of them was better than they were. A few things I bought this summer that just aren't me, no matter how much I TRIED to love them. They just weren't cut exactly right for my figure and I was constantly tugging and adjusting. I knew after the first couple of wearings that they weren't long for my closet but I wanted to give them until the end of the season to know for sure. I know for sure. 

Also got rid of some winter and fall items I didn't get rid of on the other side of summer. Even though they were too big then as well. But I didn't have faith that I was going to stay this size. It had only been a year so really I could gain weight over the summer and then what would I do? And a lot of those things were what I call punishment clothes so it's even worse. Things I bought that fit but didn't really bring me any joy to wear. I wouldn't ever say I loved them, but eh, they fit. 

Which is such a shitty way to treat yourself and I SWEAR everytime I catch myself doing it that I won't do it again but...long history of body issues so it's always a work in progress.

So those too big things, things that were pretty much worn out anyway, and things that just aren't my style at all got taken out. It wasn't a huge pile really. Not like the 10 bag sort I did a few years ago when I decided I would never be anything other than a size 12 again and got rid of all of those 8s and 10s that I would really like to have right now...

But it was still the right call at the time. I think clearing out all of that extra stuff that I couldn't possibly squeeze into at the time helped me feel better about the size I was and what I had in my closet. Because I didn't lose this weight due to a diet like eat less diet, I lost this weight due to a diet change. Like stop eating food that is apparently making you ill. 

I wish I had a few of those things from the big sort, but it would not have been worth the feelings of being a failure I had everytime I would see them and know I couldn't fit them. I much preferred making peace with my weight at the time. And I thought I had.

So you can see why I was shocked to find some punishment clothes had still crept their way in. 

Though, maybe they were just pandemic who the hell cares about anything clothes. I know a few pairs of pajama bottoms that went away in this trip were pandemic comfort before anything else clothes. So maybe the big, shapeless, colors I never wear t-shirts were as well. 

I also returned a couple of things to eShakti that I had recently bought. Even with the custom fitting they just didn't look right on me so I returned them. Which you can, but you forfeit the customization fee. Which is fair. I mean the fact that you can return something that was made to your specific measurements is great. But there have been times in the past where I've kept things because of that. "Oh I won't get the customization back so I might as well keep it." What a ridiculous way to view it. You won't get all of it back so you don't bother getting most of it back and then keep something in your closet that you are NEVER going to wear? So silly. 

But this time I caught myself thinking that and I pulled my head out of my ass and sent them back. If it doesn't fit, it doesn't matter if you THOUGHT it was going to fit when you bought it. Some things just aren't right for your particular body type even if it's the perfect size. 

But right now my closet is filled with things I love. Things that fit. Things that work for me. 

And I also know what I'm missing and I need to fill in. 

Just not with punishment clothes!

Forever or For Now...

People love a "meet cute" story, they crave them like candy. She liked to think that theirs was more of a "meet in a way that makes people a little uncomfortable" story. Didn't quite roll off the tongue in the same way but she liked it. 

They met while visiting their spouses. They started chatting with each other during those visits and soon realized they had more in common than just the obvious. And eventually they both realized that they were disappointed when the other wasn't there during a visit. That they had started to look forward to seeing each other during that time as much as they were anything else. 

It was one of those really odd coincidences. All of the things that had to line up for them to meet. The sites being next to each other. The visits happening at the same time. The deaths of their spouses.

Yes, they had met over the graves of their first marriages. 

She thought it was romantic. In its own way. 

Originally she hadn't even planned on a burial for Adam. Well, okay, originally she hadn't planned on Adam dying in his 40s either so plans were really out the window right away. But once they knew he was dying and that there was nothing they could do about it she had thought he would be cremated, like she had planned on being. But his parents wanted a traditional burial. And how could they deny them that? After all parents aren't supposed to have to deal with the death of their children at all, so if this would bring them some peace how could they deny that? Adam even looked over the pictures of the site they chose and approved them. 

And then she was sure once Adam had been buried she would not be one of those people that visited the gravesite. Why would she? She was an atheist. She didn't believe in any sort of afterlife. Adam wasn't there. Adam was gone. 

But Adam was gone. 

And she found that she had depended on him in ways she hadn't even realized. He was her peace. Her quiet. Honestly during the visits to his grave he only spoke slightly less than he did while he was alive. But she missed his presence. It had always been her safe haven. And she found herself seeking it out even after he was gone. 

She'd grab a book and a cup of coffee and head out to the cemetery. She'd give him a quick update on what everyone was up to, the kids' latest achievements or difficulties, how work was going, how she was doing. Mostly she used that catch up time as a way to work things out, out loud. People didn't think it was strange to hold a conversation with a dead man if you were sitting by his grave. Have that same conversation in the grocery store and it was a totally different story. 

After the catch up sessions she'd open her book and just read for awhile. She missed the warmth and solid weight of him next to her on the couch, but at least this was something. 

A few times her visits would overlap with a gentleman visiting with his wife who was buried one plot over from Adam. She tried to wrap up quickly and leave if she saw him coming. Wanted to give him privacy. But after a few times of her rushing out when he came he let her know if she didn't mind, he didn't as well. So she stayed. 

Then they started chatting to each other. Catching up with the living instead of just talking to the dead. The morning that she changed clothes three times before heading out she knew she was in trouble. 

But when she shyly told him that, he laughed. He had been doing the same thing for weeks. 

Eventually they started seeing each other away from the graveyard. And oddly enough those first few dates were much more awkward. It was the first time they had been alone in a way. But they talked about it. Everything they did started with a conversation. He was much more talkative than Adam had ever been, but she found that she really enjoyed that. The give and take of conversation and differences in opinions. 

She and Adam had known each other since they were children. They had grown up in the same place, gone to the same schools, had the same friends. Most everything they thought about they shared an opinion on. It was easy to know what Adam thought because it was what she thought. 

This was different. 

Different lives. 

Different beliefs. 

When they decided to get married he sat her down and very seriously told her that he couldn't have a church wedding. That he didn't feel right about that. She smiled and told him "atheist remember?" and they laughed. 

He believed when he died he would meet his first wife again in heaven. She believed when she died she would join Adam as well. But not in heaven or in hell, but in the great unknown. Whatever had awaited him awaited her as well. But she didn't believe it was anything she would be aware of. 

People asked her if she was insulted that he felt his eternity would be with his first wife and not with her. She told them that she didn't believe in eternity like that so how could it? And anyway, how could she expect him to stop loving his first wife when she never stopped loving Adam? Death didn't change their love stories, it just ended a chapter of them too soon. 

And sometimes when she was feeling a little wicked should would add...

"And anyway, if he's right and I'm wrong and he is going to meet his wife after he dies he's going to have a lot of explaining to do."

It wasn't exactly a meet cute story. But it was theirs. 

What a Pill!!

Well that was harder than I thought it would be and I thought it would be hard. 

Though to be fair I thought getting in to see someone would be the hard part. And that was a little challenging. 

I'm talking about giving in and deciding to try the hormone therapy. 

I started with using our handy dandy in network finder. Insurance coverage is much better if you find someone in network. The nice thing is that our in network is broader than if we just had like Providence coverage. Once I had a list of potentials I did some research online to see what feedback was. Found one doctor that had a one star review for her twitter shenanigans! ONE STAR! You know I had to go look at her twitter account for that...

Turns out she had a major in gender studies, was posting a lot about Roe being overturned and is part of a group of physicians trying to destigmatize the word fat. Oh, I love her shenanigans! 

Not surprising but her practice was full. She was also located in Vancouver and just had admitting privileges in Hillsboro so it would have been a bit far to drive anyway. 

Eventually found a practice close to home that was taking new patients and if I was fine with a Nurse Practitioner could actually get me in pretty quickly. Sign me up!

I posted on Facebook about the appointment. She was not really all in on getting me the HRT. Wanted me to try other things, including a lot of things I'd already tried. It took a few rounds of, "I'd really like to try HRT" for her to finally give in and say I could get a prescription. And I get it, I really do, normally I am not one of those patients that goes in with a treatment plan in mind. It's not my area of expertise. It's not what I went to school for. They are the experts. And I am not one to usually want to medicate at all. If I can get by with physical therapy, or a change in diet, or a different workout routine or an herbal supplement? Sign me the fuck up. 

But this time I didn't want to hear about other options. I've been trying other options. I really was there for one thing and one thing only. Give me my pills. 

So it wasn't really her fault that the appointment was tense. She just didn't realize that me even being there was already stressing me out and making me feel some sort of way. 

I mean, the reason I got my tubes tied was so that I wouldn't have to keep taking hormones my whole life and yet, here I am. Though now understanding that if I had stayed on the pill I never would have had that bout with cystic acne and my skin wouldn't be all scarred up I regret that decision a bit.

Eventually though she realized she was either going to have to give in and get me the pills or tell me no in no uncertain terms. She decided to go with the pills option.

My appointment was at 10 AM.  I tell you this because I feel it's good to keep in mind when I tell you I went to Walgreens to pick up my prescription at 3 PM and they had no record of it being called in. 

I went home and called the doctor's office and they told me that most likely it was because NP Flores had been busy with back to back to back appointments all day and hadn't had time to call it in. That I should call the pharmacy later and see if it was in before heading back. Not super happy with this answer but what are you going to do right?

Then NP Flores' nurse called me. The reason they hadn't called it in was because my insurance had denied coverage for the medication she wanted to give me and the out of pocket cost was over $700. Are you fucking kidding me right now? I mean, basically what they give you is a birth control pill. Same hormones, just a lower dose and different use, but same. They were trying to find a work around, or at least something less expense and she would let me know what they were able to manage but it would most likely be Monday at this point. 

I lost it. Cried big tears. Brent came out of the office right around that time to head to dinner. He, of course, was super concerned with what was wrong. As I explained it to him I kept apologizing. I was crying so hard I couldn't keep it together. I had been so close to trying something that might actually work and then nope. Not going to happen. Because my insurance doesn't think that the postmenopausal symptoms are that big of a deal. 

I told Brent I was just so tired. 

He told me that we would figure it out. We would appeal the insurance decision. We would cover it out of pocket for however long that took, but we would figure it out. 

Which is a great response. There was no way in hell I would pay that much but it was still a great response.

I told him I just needed a day to process and I would be fine on Saturday. 

And I was. Mostly. I went from crying to just angry about it all. So frustrating. Personally frustrating because I had caved (in my mind) to using the drugs in the first place. And then to finally make the decision to try them and not be able to get them was infuriating. And the reason for not being able to get them was even worse. It's sexism. It just is. No way around it. If I was depressed they would give me medication and cover it 100%, and one of the things she suggested was Paxil which has shown some success in alleviating night sweats. I could have gotten that without a blink of an eye. Ask me if they cover Viagra.

But a female specific issue? AND an older female specific one to boot? Nope. Not necessary. 

Fuck them. 

So Monday rolls and I don't hear anything from the doctor's office. I'm bracing myself to call on Tuesday and see what happened and if there is just some generic pill I could get and call it good. And I get a call from my pharmacy that my prescription is ready. 

Hunh. Okay then. 

And yeah, I'm back on birth control pills. That's what they are. Little low dose pills. Still expensive but we are talking $65 a month instead of $700. And my insurance covered part of it so they aren't $100 a month. 

So let that fuckery sit in. 

My insurance won't cover menopausal specific hormone therapy but it will cover birth control pills for a 54 year old woman whose tubes were tied a quarter of a century ago.

But I have them now. I'm back on the pill all of these years later. A much lower dose than that first round back in 1986 but still. The pharmacist let me know that it sometimes takes a few months for the changes to be noticable and I only got a three month prescription with a mandatory follow up visit with the NP to make sure everything is fine...but I've got them. I'm trying something new. Hopefully it will work. 

I'm just so tired of being tired. 

#54FucksSake

Shower Thoughts...

What if we've been lied to our whole lives about mood swings and hormones? Like what if it's not hormonal but that people are idiots and once a month we all reach a point where we are just over dealing with idiots and lash out? Nothing to do with a hormonal dip just dipshits?

Like most of the people in positions we've had to deal with (women around my age and older) have been men and when we are sick of their nonsense and lash out they cannot wrap their heads around the fact that it's them not us so...must be hormones. 

And the women that we were encountering there weren't as many at the time but still some of them were unbearable as well. Men would see a disagreement there and they couldn't blame it on one person's hormones so they either went with "oh they synced up" or "women just can't work together."

When really women work together just fine, but we are full up on your bullshit so we still hit that monthly max and whoever is in front of us gets it.

And that's why some women have really bad mood swings and some women don't seem to have any. It's nothing to do with hormones, just the number of idiots you run into in a day. 

I've discovered as Katie has gone through her journey that a lot of what we think we know about hormones and the body isn't actually true. I've also discovered as my own hormonal shift has been happening that a lot of stuff is tied to hormones that you'd never guess. So it's not that far fetched to me to think this piece has all been a way to protect fragile egos. 

It's not me...it can't be me. Even though I've been an idiot and keep saying stupid things, must be her time of the month. Those crazy hormones!

So yeah...

Just something I was thinking today in the shower while waiting to hear back from the doctor on getting my pills for my own hormone replacement. 

Maybe I'm angry because the world is full of idiots.

Something to think about. 

How Does Your Garden Grow?

We might get the backyard work started this week. Jorge said they could start Thursday, but experience shows that Jorge says "I can do that now!" and Maria comes back in and says, "I don't know why he said that, he's busy that day, he can do that next week..." I have only heard from Jorge so far so I'm not exactly sure but either way it will start soon!

I also need to get a plan for bulb planting next month. Plus whatever else we want to add out front. 

Our next door neighbors did a TON of planting and their front yard looks gorgeous. So everytime we drive up Brent looks at that and then looks at our plain yard and sighs. We moved in next to the Joneses of Keep Up With fame. 

So right now I'm trying to decide what to plant out front. Jerry (the neighbor with the lovely yard) did warn me that the dirt is AWFUL. Like a half inch of topsoil right into clay so planting isn't going to be easy. He suggested I hire someone to rototill anywhere I want to plant to make it easier on myself. I might ask Jorge about that whenever they start on the backyard.

In fact I could just hire Jorge to add a few more plants to the front as well. 

Why not? It's only money right?

I mean, it's not like I've been lying awake at night adding up all of the extras we've put into the house, and realizing we aren't even close to done yet and telling myself over and over that we are going to be here for 20+ years so it's actually fine to spend this much on things that will make living here really enjoyable and we can afford it as long as Brent doesn't get laid off and the stock market doesn't fall too terribly much more and Civil War doesn't break out and...

*deep breath*

SO...

We also got the concrete sealed on the front and back porches and the driveway (Jerry and Margaret had it done and it just looked so nice). And we have the screening in of the back porch scheduled to start in October. A little late to really enjoy it this year, but we are going to be here for a long time so we will get a lot of use out of it over time. And with it screened in we might get a little table top heater and use it in the winter as well. Who knows?

AND...here is a giant step! I got a cabinet company to call me back! And we might get an actual estimate next week. AND if that all happens we can get on their schedule for...JANUARY! Holy. Shit. But again...going to be in this house for 20+ years so getting them in January and paying whatever extravagant price they are going to cost will be fine...really. 

That will only leave that giant blank wall in the living room. Trying to decide if we are changing out the living room furniture for the media room and getting new living room stuff or if we just get new media room stuff. Oh and new towels and some area rugs and...

*deep breath*

So how does my garden grow?

In fits and starts between positive, This is so great to get the house the way we want it! and OH MY FUCKING GOD THIS IS TOO MUCH MONEY! HOW ARE WE SPENDING SO MUCH MONEY?

I'm thinking crocus, daffodils, maybe some iris....

Ally is an Active Word....

I've talked about this before. That being an ally means more than just saying, "Hey! I'm an ally!" There is work to be done. Always. 

And there are a lot of ways to do that work. Working toward electing people who will protect rights. Providing safe places for people who need them. Writing about causes; trying to reach people and help them gain a better understanding of issues. And opening your wallet and contributing to organizations and people who might need help.

And the landscape has changed on that front. Where money is needed has changed. Brent and I have donated to Planned Parenthood for years. We think they do really good work. I've written about how they helped make Katie a planned pregnancy not two 17 year olds having a baby when we weren't ready. And I know that the fact that I was able to get birth control without my parent's permission is one of the things the Right HATES about Planned Parenthood, but if you don't want abortions, you need to stop unplanned pregnancies, and the way to do that is through education and birth control. They are also the resource that Katie uses in Bend for her HRT. Again, they were there for my family so giving to them is an easy decision. 

But a few years ago we made a shift in some of our giving. Though Planned Parenthood helped us and now helps our daughter and is a great resource, it's only a great resource if you can get to one. And if the one you can get to offers the services you need. Which is no longer the case in some states. The laws they were able to enact (even before Roe was overturned) made it harder and harder for people to reach the places they needed to reach to get the services they wanted. So we started also giving to an organization that helps with all aspects of need. 

And that's going to be more and more of what is needed. Getting people to places where they can get help. Either temporarily or a permanent move. 

Which brings us to this past weekend. 

Katie posted a go fund me from a friend of a friend. She's trans and wants to leave Kentucky and move to Bend where her girlfriend lives, and frankly where it's a little easier to be Trans than it is in Kentucky. It's expensive to move cross country and she hasn't been able to save the extra money while using the money she makes to live. I reached out to Katie to get a feel for it. Did she know this person at all? No. But she knows her girlfriend. Okay. Does she trust her girlfriend? Yes. Okay. So I donated and then shared the post. A friend of mine who is really active in the community in San Fransisco did the same. 

And then nothing. 

Which kind of confuses me. I mean I've posted a few go fund me campaigns in my day. Usually it's for medical treatments and they normally at least get a few reposts. But this one is not moving. Not among her friends (the woman who needs help), not among mine, not among my friend's friends. What is it? It could just be that everyone is struggling right now, and I get that. Inflation has taken a giant bite out of people's extra money. But that shouldn't prevent you from at least sharing it on your feed to hope someone else has a few extra dollars. It could be charity fatigue. So many people need help these days. I hope it's not fatigue. Because if you are tired of people needing help already you are in for a long haul. Because it's going to get so much worse. 

Trans folx are going to be facing the decisions to move from areas where the treatment they need to live as who they are is being outlawed, or taken out from insurance coverage, which let's face it even with insurance having a prescription you need to take daily gets to be A LOT. And it is daily. Katie will be medicated until the day she dies. Just like a diabetic needs their insulin, trans folx need their HRT. So I see a future with people needing to move or needing to pay completely out of pocket for treatment that they need. Neither one is cheap. 

So until we can get out from under the last grasps of ultra conservatives imposing their will on the rest of us through gerrymandering, pearl clutching and "reasonable people can..." ing, we are going to need to help those getting trampled under those Onward Christian Soldiers who are marching right over them...

Which means, being an ally is an active thing. 

Use your vote.
Use your voice.
Use your influence.
And if you can, use your wallet. 

We are in for a long fight, and it's going to get worse before it gets better, but I do believe we still have the chance to make it better. We just need to work for it. 

 Here's her link if you are so inclined