Of Cows and Pools...

"I should write her a poem."

"A poem? Seriously, dude, that's corny as fuck."

"Shut up. I want to ask her out and I want her to say yes and I think a poem is a good way to do it."

"Have you ever written a poem before?"

"No, but how hard can it be? You just say a bunch of nice things, maybe rhyme a couple of lines and you're golden."

"Okay...sure..."

"It's a good idea. You know it is."

"Okay, what are you going to say?"

"I think she has really great eyes. I'm going to start there. Your eyes are like a cow..."

"WHAT? Like a cow? You are going to tell her she has cow eyes? Dude, her eyes are like limpid pools."

"What the fuck is a limpid pool?"

"It's a poetry thing for eyes. You know, your eyes are like limpid pools, everyone knows that."

"I don't know that. I don't know what limpid pool is. I know her eyes remind me of the cows on my grandparent's farm. She has cow eyes."

"She has cow eyes. What else?"

"Your eyes are like a cow, your hair is like oil."

"Oh for fuck's sake. You are telling her she has oily hair now? Nobody wants to hear they have oily hair!"

"No, it's dark black and really shiny. It's like oil."

"So say her hair is like night."

"Night? Why would I say that? That's stupid."

"And oil isn't?"

"The night is dark and cold and kids are afraid of it. Oil is black and shiny and when the sun hits it there is a rainbow...."

"Okay, fine, do it your way."

"Your eyes are like a cow, your hair is like oil. Your skin is a soft as raw dough."

"Raw dough?"

"Yeah, maybe bread dough? Your skin reminds me of bread dough."

"Yeasty and warm..."

"No! Soft and kind of pale." he cleared his throat, "Your eyes are like a cow, you hair is like oil. Your skin reminds me of bread dough. You smell better than a new car. Please go out with me and we will go far."

"And we will go far? Did you just tell her if she dates you that she's agreeing to sleep with your freaky ass?"

"No! It's just rhymes with car. And we will see stars?"

"You'll knock her out?"

"We won't hit the bar? I'll go where you are?"

"I'll be like a czar."

"Yeah! That's great!"

"No, no it's not! It's awful! I was kidding!"

"Your eyes are like a cow. Your hair is like oil. Your skin reminds me of bread dough. You smell better than a new car. Please say yes to a date and I'll be like a czar."

.....................

A week later

.....................

"Well? Did you give her the poem?"

"Yeah."

"And how did it go?"

"Whatever...She's not all that anyway. But did you see the new girl in chemistry? Her eyes are like limpid pools and her hair is light night..."

Simple is as Simple Does...

Listening to a podcast this morning (More Perfect, I highly recommend it) and they were debating free speech. What the limits should be, should there be limits, is there a difference in limits when you are talking about government vs. private corporations and should that matter? It was very interesting. I'm always torn on this subject. I think a lot of people confuse free speech for consequence free speech and I'm not one of those. You can say what you want to, but be prepared for the ramifications. But I also believe that there are types of speech that are not okay. Those are all pretty much limited already though. Inciting to violence is the one I think about.

There was also a moment that made me say "yes!" out loud, which was sort of embarrassing considering I was at the gym working out by myself at the time...but anyway... One of the people on the pro-free speech side of the debate was talking about our current climate. With Neo Nazis on Facebook and Twitter just spreading filth everywhere. She was talking about how it's normal to want to stop it. But you cannot make an idea illegal. And then she said, "Simple solutions to complicated problems always have unintended consequences."

Yes!

You all know I harp on this constantly. There is nuance to most matters that gets lost. Political stances, religious stances, belief systems, problem solving as a whole cannot be boiled down to a bumper sticker and encapsulate all of what needs to be considered.

And we see these blanket statements all of the time. Right now we are on the crest of the wave of sexual assault accusations. And there are people out there who have announced that you always believe the accuser. And there are people out there who say we always should stand by innocent until proven guilty. I think it depends on the situation. Which makes me a target for both camps to take their ire out on me.

Christopher and I were talking about it this weekend. We both had settled on a little criteria for a guideline independently that actually matched. Not that surprising considering I raised him, but still I thought it was cool. Now, this is for accusations without any proof, if you have proof everything changes. How many people are making accusations? Are they all telling the same story? Is there a pattern of behavior that we are seeing? What do you have to gain by making these accusations? What do you have to lose? And one that is just mine, not Christopher's; Is it assault, harassment or just bad taste? Because there has been a shifting standard for what is acceptable behavior. You can say it never SHOULD have been acceptable, and I will agree with you, but it was. You cannot go back and litigate a social norm that has shifted. You can do better going forward.

I am not sorry that I weigh things in my head before I make a final judgement. I will say my first reaction is to believe someone who says they've been assaulted. Then I do the weighing. Then I revise or don't revise my opinion. And sometimes when more information comes out I revise again. And I fully accept that my judgement could be wrong. And you might firmly disagree. That's okay. It's my judgement, not yours.

Because that is the other thing that tends to happen. I see it on my feed all of the time. People think if you don't change your mind to agree with them it means you are closed minded. Like somehow they are the ones with the right opinion and you have to shift or you are wrong. Now, there are things I am closed minded about and I will tell you upfront, I will not change my mind on this. I have this belief and it is rock solid. You are wasting your time if you think I will change. But you are just as closed minded about things you solidly believe in. And no matter what I say, you aren't going to change that belief either. But so many people think they are completely unbiased, in the middle, open minded, and willing to change even if they aren't at all.

So right now we have the wave of sexual assault accusations, and we have Neo Nazis spreading hate speech, and we have different groups of people who are sure they know the right answer and the right way to handle it. But what if this? What if that? I've said before I will punch a Nazi. And I will. I also know that I can be charged with assault if I do. They have the right to say horrible things. I don't have the right to punch them. But they should know the consequence of their hate speech is people hating them. And sometimes if people hate you they will risk the arrest and punch you.

And I will continue to look at each case of sexual assault and harassment accusation as individual and decide what I feel about each one of them. And let me be super clear, my judgement is not dependent on which political party they belong to. Anthony Weiner sexting a teenager is horrific, the multiple accusations against Roy Moore are horrific. Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey and Louis CK are all bad guys in this story. No matter how much Hannity wants you to focus on Clinton instead Moore know that Clinton being a sleaze is not a get out of jail free card for Republicans to be the same. 

But, we shouldn't rush in to judge each and every accusation as holding the same merit. Because there will be a time where accusations will be used as a weapon to get people out of races, out of companies, or straight up revenge. It will happen. It might already be happening. We need to keep a level head and look at the nuance. The complexities. What is there to gain? How many are coming forward? What is there to lose? Is there proof? Is there a reasonable thing to believe? And know that you and I might look at and hear something and come to different conclusions.

If X then Y doesn't usually work in human interactions.

There are rarely simple answers that cover every situation. And if you want to apply them you are going to end up with bigger problems.

Holidays...

This actually sort of dovetails in to the last blog about having fun. AND it really dove tails in to it because it's my 115th blog of the year which was my goal. BOOM! Thank you, NaNo.

Anyway...

Christmas used to be my very favorite holiday. Part of that is from growing up religious and going to a religious school. As you would guess Christmas is sort of a big deal. Even though it really should be Easter but babies and presents are more fun than death and tombs, but I digress. So Christmas was a really big deal. There were plays and cantatas and midnight services with candles and then my family had things that we did as well. The luminaria tour, multiple Christmas gatherings with friends and a massive Christmas day. It was a big deal holiday. And it had rules. I was a real stickler for the rules.

No decorations before Thanksgiving. Except for practice you shouldn't sing Christmas songs until December. Presents on Christmas Day. Decorations always in the same place every year. There were rules! We even had rules around how we opened gifts when I was growing up. Everyone got a present and then you could open yours. Then another round, everyone gets a present, then you open yours. There was no willy nilly tearing open of the gifts in a frenzy. And there was no up before the sun to do it either. Especially not for me. I was the youngest and by the time I was 5 my brother was married and out of the house but we still waited for him before opening gifts. At least for a few years. I think even my mother got tired of waiting for them to roll out of bed and make it to the house.

But part of what made it special was the rules. You can burn out on Christmas really quickly. Too much glitter. Too many lights. Too much stuff. The songs on constant repeat. The same TV shows and movies. If you start too soon you peak too early. Something I learned when Brent and I were first married and I worked retail. And that was before there was a lot of Christmas Creep. We didn't put up the Christmas stuff until Wednesday before Thanksgiving. If you worked the late shift that day you decorated and put out the sales information for bright and early Friday morning. But even with that working at least 8 hours every day listening to the same Christmas songs over and over while selling the same Christmas presents and looking at the same Christmas decorations? By the time Christmas itself came you were pretty well over it. I cannot even imagine what it's like for people now that Christmas decorations and Christmas songs start filtering in around Halloween.

But the no decorating before Thanksgiving was over rule stuck at the house for a long time. I wouldn't even buy anything Christmasy until after Thanksgiving. Usually. There were always exceptions here and there, the Christmas only shops would do me in sometimes. But then the item was packed away with the Christmas decorations as soon as we got home not to be seen again until a leftover turkey sandwich was on the menu.

I also used to love the day after Christmas sales. I would get up early and head out. Buying up ribbons and lights and JC Penny would have a sale on boots that day and...and...and...it was all great fun. Sometimes Brent would come with me, sometimes he would stay home and I would bring him breakfast a few hours later. When Christopher was older we all headed out a few times.

Ahhh, Christopher. Is there really anything like Christmas with your kid? They make it all really perfect. Putting out reindeer feed in Colorado Springs. Leaving cookies and milk for Santa. Trips to visit Santa, working out the perfect ask beforehand. Santa brings one gift in our house. Why am I going to let him get all the glory when I'm right here? So we let him handle one thing and we took care of the rest. And even then one year he totally blew it. Brought C a video game case. Yes, the game was not in it. Thank goodness he left a note explaining how the elves had gotten behind and it would be shipped to the local Game Stop for Mom to pick up the next day...

But eventually C grew up. And Christmas became more of a chore every year. It lined up with Planning at the agency. So I was trying to master a budget and media plan for the following year to get approved at our annual Christmas meeting which would then become the Christmas party and they wanted the bar open right away and there would be a gift exchange and why are we having it at dreary hotels let's go to Spirit Mountain Casino and then why are we going to Spirit Mountain when it's just as cheap to go to Vegas! So for a few years in the middle of holiday planning I was budget planning and taking a trip to Vegas. Which was fun, don't get me wrong, we had some great parties, but I still needed to finish shopping and wrapping and decorating and...

And then it all became too much. The year my dad died I never did find my Christmas spirit. Which was understandable really. But then the year after that it hit and left quickly. And the day after sales became blood baths of people shoving and grabbing and being rude. And C was older and he didn't really care all that much about the trappings. And Brent never did care and...I was over it.

I still like Christmas. It's still a lovely holiday. But Thanksgiving has moved in to the favorite spot. (Halloween was a close second to Christmas for a long time but it's been trashed by being overdone for quite a few years, Halloween should be a pocket holiday not a month long adult celebration of booze and sexy (insert item that should NEVER be sexy here) costumes.) Thanksgiving has no expectations. We shift the menu around here and there every year. This year will be new because we are all eating differently. C and I have shared a few recipes back and forth and I think we've settled on the menu. He helps me cook on the day and we eat and laze around. It's really quiet and low key and perfect. There is no PERFECT THANKSGIVING expectation.

But here is the biggest surprise that happened when Christmas fell off it's exulted perch. I stopped caring about the rules. You want to put your tree up in November? Go on ahead. Your Christmas lights stay on all year? Okay. Open all the gifts on December 15th because you just can't wait anymore? Sure. No rules. If it makes you happy, if it brings you joy, you do you, boo, you do you.

I've cut back on decorations massively. We have a little table top tree. I have my Santas and my Snowmen and I love them. I have our stockings that I hang by the chimney with care, even though Brent and I don't exchange gifts anymore and since we've cut back on sugar I am not even sure what will go in them this year. We still watch our favorite Christmas movies. I will still hang my favorite lights outside. Just fewer of them than I used to. We've pared down to only those things that make me happy. Again, Brent and Christopher don't care. I am the sentimental one around here. But I let go of a lot of the extra stuff. There are no have tos, only want tos, and those shift year to year. Last year I got tickets to a few Christmas shows, which was fun so we are doing it again this year.

Christmas had to fall off its perfect perch to make me enjoy it again. It's not what it was, but it is what it is, and that's lovely.

Thanksgiving is the favorite because it has no expectations, but Christmas is nice too.

Though when I suggested asking for a donation to a charity in my name instead of any gifts at all C did say, "You would be one of THOSE people." Oh yeah, not one of THOSE people. So maybe I won't get rid of all of the trappings just yet.

Playing the Game...

I'm sitting at just over 25,000 words out of the 50,000 to finish NaNo successfully. Which is a really lousy spot to be when you don't feel like writing. Like not at all. I didn't write Sunday because I got busy. No big deal, I thought, Brent is still travelling so I can write extra Monday-Wednesday and just make it up and get that ahead push I want since I won't write for four days around Thanksgiving so I really need to be at over 40,000 by next Wednesday.

Now, why I thought I would write more when Brent had already been gone for 3 1/2 days at that point and I hadn't once sat down for a second writing session, but you know, I was totally going to do it this time, I have no idea!

Then yesterday I needed to take the car in to get service in the morning and I had a couple other errands to run so I was just going to flip my schedule and write in the afternoon. Then my phone freaked out and I ended up out again and then it was dark outside and my motivation to sit down and write was gone. GONE. I didn't even step in to the office to find a silver thing on my desk for my POD game I was playing in my head. 

And I thought about it. The writing. The number looming at me. The days I'm going to run out of here soon. And part of me was like, fuck it. Be done. You are three blogs away from your goal for the year and you can hit that easily. You have successfully done NaNo two other times so really there is no reason to do it again. And you know that you are making the big realization that you are never going to be more than a casual writer anyway so why stress out about it? Let yourself off the hook for this one. Be done.

But that's not the game I'm playing this month. Or more specifically that's not how to win the game I'm playing this month. The only way to win is write 50,000 words. So I will write 50,000 words. If I am stuck to my seat on the 30th force choking out the last few thousand I will be doing that. If you are going to play a game you better be playing it to win. 

That's a life philosophy. 

Christopher and I talked about this on Sunday. How important I think playing the game to win is. I also said the customary, also have fun, but honestly, winning is more fun so play to win. 

Now let me clarify a few things. Playing to win can mean a few different things. Some games have specific goals and that's what you are trying to reach, and some games you make up the rules so you can win and still have fun even if you have zero shot of actually winning. Confused?

Basketball. Brent and I used to play basketball against each other. We still would if we were closer to a court. Brent is a half foot taller than I am. He's also what we call athletic while I am what we call not. There is no way in hell in a one on one game I am going to beat Brent. It's just not going to happen. So I changed the rules. I can dribble if I feel like it and if I don't I can pick up the ball and carry it. He is not allowed to steal the dribble from me though I am allowed to try and steal it from him. He is not allowed to actively block my shots. He can stand with his arms up so I have to shoot over him but he can't do anything else. Because I would lose every time if he could steal my dribbles and block my shots. The game would consist of me having the ball for two seconds after he scores and them him taking it from me and scoring again. Now ask me if I have any shot of winning even with my new rules...yeah. No. But the game is to have fun and make Brent laugh at least once in the game so I can score while he is distracted. That's the game. And I play it to win. 

When C was little he learned how to play chess. I know how to play chess but I am lousy at it. I am too multi-focused to play it well. I forget between moves what my plan was. I never really got into understanding the theory of it all. But I know how to play and so I would play against him. He was pretty good. Did the whole chess team thing for a year or so in elementary school before he gave it up for more music. Now you don't really understand humbling until you repeatedly get your ass handed to you over a chess board by an 8 year old. I knew going in that I wasn't going to win, but I still played. The game I was playing wasn't to capture his king, it was to play with my son and let him practice something he found fun. I played a lot of games when he was little that were like that. The game I was playing was "spend time with my son" and I kicked ass at that game.

And it's not just set games or sports that I play. I am almost constantly playing a game. We will be out shopping and Brent will look over at me, "You're playing a game aren't you?" and most of the time he's right. I'm counting red things, or I'm seeing how long it will take the woman ahead of us to notice that her child is slowly unpacking her purse into the stroller or I am walking in a certain pattern, not avoiding hot lava, I'm not a child, but you know, only hitting the rectangle tiles and not the triangles like an adult! If Brent decides he wants to play a game too he'll take a stab at what I'm doing. At least that's what I've decided he's doing when he guesses. Imagining other people are playing games all the time is another game of mine.

My endless rounds of goals are games. Each one a new mini game under the master umbrella of the goals game. I have a calendar where I give myself stars for finishing certain activities and trying to match or beat the stars from the month before is a new game. My struggle with my weight is a bad game. But there is still a part of me that treats it as a goal and game even though I know I shouldn't play that particular one. And I know I shouldn't play it because it's not fun. And having fun is important.

Like winning.

I know, right? It's a total mixed signal. "Did you have fun? That's the important part." We are conditioned to tell our kids that when they are in sports especially. Did you have fun? You know what is more fun? Winning....Yeah I might be a little too competitive. But I want to play to win. 

I won't play a game I can win if it's not fun. And I won't play a game that is fun if I can't win. Even if I have to change the definition of winning for that game (like basketball and chess for instance). 

It's not a surprise to me that C grew up wanting to be a game designer. He had been playing games with me his whole life. Little ones and big ones. Structured ones and free-form. And it's no surprise to me that he plays games to win. And doesn't play games that he doesn't have fun with. He's not in to first person shooters. He just doesn't find them to be fun. So no matter how popular they are, or how pervasive in his industry he doesn't play them. Only play things you find fun, and once you commit to playing, play to win.

It's a life philosophy.

I want to have fun. If something is no longer fun I don't do it. I am constantly examining my life and what I am doing to make sure that I am still having fun. And I am pretty constantly striving toward a goal, a finish line, a win. So I need to hit between 2600 and 2700 words a day to reach my goal of finishing NaNo again. Winning is important. Now to figure out how to make it fun again...

Reflections

It was an odd moment. She had looked up just for a second and caught her own reflection staring back at her through the glass. It had startled her. How pale she looked. How drawn. But the shock was how angry she looked. Lips drawn back in to a sneer she wasn't aware she was making.

She reached her hand up to her mouth and felt..nothing. No sneer. No lip curl. 

She looked back toward the glass and the reflection was gone. The angle of the light was wrong. She could clearly see through the glass and in to the store. No reflection at all.

It was an odd moment.

But it was just a moment. Her mind had obviously been playing tricks on her. She was tired, after all. And busy, so very busy. She had been working extra long hours trying to keep her business afloat.

"You can't work your way out of the recession." Her boyfriend had told her right before he broke up with her. 

But she didn't believe that there was nothing she could do. Sure, everyone was facing hard times right now and so many businesses were closing. But she had a plan. She was going to be able to succeed. She tightened her belt and laid off her employees promising them she would rehire as soon as business picked back up. She worked day and night on everything herself. Filling orders, making sales pitches, answering the phone, doing the billing, making the calls to all of the late pays. So many late pays. And now making her own calls to those she was late paying. 

She had never failed at anything before. She was the classic over achiever. And running her own company at 32 was just one thing on her list. She still had more to accomplish but failing at this would change everything. If she couldn't make her business a success she wouldn't be able to sell it to a larger company. That had been her goal. Run this business for 5-10 years. Make it a raging success, sell and move to the next thing. But here she was 3 years in and failing. The first two years had gone completely according to plan. She had started on her own, then hired two people then two more. Expanding slowly as business picked up. At the end of her second year she was looking at expanding in to a bigger space. Then the first cancellation came. Halfway through fulfilling the order she got a call, "we are closing." Then normal renewals were cancelled. "Check with us again in 6 months. We are cutting back." She held on to her staff through the first few, but then the layoffs started. 

Last one hired, first one fired. Though she was seconding guessing herself now. Should she have let the highest paid go first? Or would that have just hastened the demise of her company? That seemed to be all she had right now. Second thoughts about what she should have done. Now three months in to running a one woman show and still not sure how she was going to make rent next month she was out of options. 

Out of options and alone. Her boyfriend had left her. Though he was right in saying that she had left him months before. Her employees were gone. Her friends were...well she wasn't sure where they were. She had lost touch with them all over the past year. Cancelling plans so often they had stopped inviting her places at all. But she still tried. Struggling to make it. She couldn't fail.

That night as she was getting ready for bed she leaned over the sink and spit her toothpaste down the drain. As she raised back up she saw it again. The reflection. The pale, drawn face with the sneer. This time she stared at the mirror as she raised her hand to her lips. Watching the reflection. Her own hand reaching to her face. Feeling the toothpaste residue. But no sneer. Her lips were closed. She reach a hand out toward the mirror, to touch that strange reflection and...it was gone. Replaced with her puzzled face.

But it was just a moment.

She went to bed. Pulled the sheets up to her neck and stared at the ceiling. That's what she did most nights. Just stared at the ceiling and did math. How much money was in the bank? How much outstanding billing was there? How much did she owe? How much did she think she would be able to collect? How much longer could she make it last? Counting pennies was not like counting sheep. 

She raised her hand to her face and felt her mouth again. Would she feel the sneer this time?Wondering if it was the mirror that was lying to her or her fingers. She felt the sneer. Not with her fingers but, she felt it. She felt the anger behind it. She had worked so hard. She had done everything right. So much planning. So much sacrifice. She had been a good girlfriend. There for him through one thing after another but when it was his turn to stand with her? Where did he go? Her friends? The ones she had bought dinners for when they were struggling? The ones she had helped through classes in college? Given letters of recommendation to? Bought endless fundraiser wrapping paper and cookie dough from? Those friends? Where were they now? She felt the sneer. 

Eventually she drifted off to sleep. One hand on her lower face. The sneer never came back. But she never stopped feeling it. 

Rules.

I hate to shop. For those of you that know me this isn't new information. I would love to live in a world where I opened my cupboard or my refrigerator and there was just food there. I like to cook but don't do it very often because this miracle food delivery system has not happened yet. Planning and shopping are not my strong suit.

And clothes shopping? Forget about it. I pretty much hate shopping for clothes. I am built in a challenging fashion for fashion. Parts of me are too big and parts of me are too small to fit off the rack clothes. Tailoring is a thing I am having to deal with now. (for dresses I have started using eshakti and I have to say I love them) I also wear a lot of sweaters because they have stretch to cover the areas I need them to without being giant in the areas I don't. But even knowing that I can get things tailored, and it's not me that's wrong it's just the clothes aren't right for me (thank you years of watching What Not to Wear for that) it is still a brace yourself and deal with the slam to your self esteem day when I have to shop. 

What this means is if I find something I like I buy it in all of the colors I can. I also tend to stick with the same sorts of styles. Cardigans and tank tops? Yes, please. And the biggest thing is that unless my weight shifts so much that I cannot squeeze into something at all or it is falling off of me completely I will wear something until LONG past the date I should have given it up. My "On this Day" feed often has pictures of me wearing the same thing 9 years ago that I'm wearing right then! And even if it's not the same thing, it's similar.

Because that's the other thing I do. I buy similar things. Over and over. I've mentioned cardigans and sweaters. Those are staples. I love a sparkle, but not too much so if there is something with a touch of glitter thread or a subtle sequin and it ends up in the closet. Polka dots. You all know how I am about my polka dots. And one I realized today. A sweater with a horizontal stripe. Which is so weird because every single article you have read (as a woman) since you were first interested in such things tells you to stay away from horizontal stripes. They make you look wider.

So if they are so universally unflattering why do clothing manufacturers still make them? Doesn't that seem odd? I mean, you know that nobody looks good in them, but you still put them out there. And even odder, why do people then buy them?

These are the thoughts that went through my head this morning as I pulled on my sweater with the horizontal stripes in black, burgundy and brown (the staples of my wardrobe). Why in the world would I continually buy sweaters with horizontal stripes when everyone says not to? 

Oh...yeah. Because that's who I am.

Don't tell me don't or no unless you have a really good reason. I will follow rules if they make sense. To me. I will take them as a challenge if they don't. In our family we say I understand the concept of rules, as they apply to other people. I really don't like them for myself. I'm contrary by nature. I chafe against people telling me how to behave, how to dress and especially how to think. I actually distrust law and order types. I think if you aren't willing to question the why you are dangerous in the hands of people who will abuse the system. 

It's complicated. Because, as I said, I will follow rules that make sense to me. And I have little patience for people who break rules that are in place for safety reasons. And I also fully understand that breaking rules comes with risk. I know there are rules I break on a regular basis that could get me pulled over and ticketed. Speed limits are sort of misnomers I think, I am obviously not limited by that speed, I can go much faster. But I know that I will face a consequence if I get pulled over. And I will never drive fast in bad weather or heavy traffic. Control and safety are big issues. So I break rules, but I don't respect people who break rules and aren't willing to face up to them. 

You will not find me on the Edward Snowden cheering squad, for instance. He broke the law. Serious safety issues to the people in those records. Military safety. Our safety. And he ran like a punk instead of facing the consequences. You feel strongly motivated to do something like that and want to tell me it's all about being a patriot, a good American? Then don't head to China and Russia with our confidential items in your hands. You weren't responsible, you were reckless and dangerous and you put your own feeling of moral superiority above the actual physical safety of the people you exposed.

I am not a big fan of Wikileaks. (Again, someone who is "brave" enough to release stolen documents but not brave enough to face consequences for those actions) I don't care who they are targeting, I think it's dangerous to cheer for cyber theft. Yes, the information that can be gleaned from such leaks might be helpful, but what is the damage? We all want OUR security protected but we also want to read the leaks that they have illegally stolen? Doesn't make sense to me. I am not a fan of Chelsea Manning and it makes me grit my teeth every time she is quoted in an article. She wasn't heroic. She was dangerous. But at least she faced the consequences so that's better than the others. 

So you see, I can be law and order. Ish. But the rules have to make sense. To me. 

And I understand that I will disagree with many people on those issues. What I consider an important rule to follow you won't. And what you consider important I won't. But I do think you should ask yourself why you think what you do. Are you just one that thinks no rules are important and everyone should just do what they please and somehow it will all work out? Or are you one of those that thinks all rules should be followed no questions asked just fall in line and do as you are told? I think most of us are a little of both. But I also think most people aren't willing to admit that. They like to pretend they are pure. But I think they are intellectually dishonest.

I know someone who is a super law and order the cops are always right person. But at the same time was pulled over and given a DUII and was incensed that it happened. Said the cop was trying to show off for his ride along and that DUII is the only pre-crime we punish for. If you don't actually get in a wreck then why are you being targeted, hmmm? Expect the actual DUII is the crime. The wreck would be a secondary one. But they always support the police no questions asked if there is a shooting. Even though they firmly believe they shouldn't have been pulled over and the cop was in the wrong. They believe only in rules that apply to other people. Not the ones applied to themselves. 

And we all have blind spots like that. Areas where we are in direct conflict with ourselves on other issues. I've written over and over again about how we are all hypocrites at different times. How we all have conflicting views that we do the mental gymnastics necessary to hold both ideas as true. How anyone can be made to look like a liar just by quoting them on similar but not the same subjects and showing how their views differ. And I have a real problem with people who do it based solely on political affiliation though there are people out there that would say I do the same. That I give a pass to progressives I don't to conservatives. And maybe they are right. Maybe I am more willing to listen to the explanation if it's a progressive. But then again, maybe I'm not. I am disgusted by the stories coming out of Hollywood right now and I don't give a shit who they contributed to or who they praised or voted for. You have multiple women and men coming forward with the same stories and they have nothing to gain? Yeah, I am believing them, I don't care if you are an R or a D.  

Then I took a step back from the mirror and looked. Maybe it's because I actually look good in horizontal stripes.

(You totally forgot where this started, didn't you?)

Two points with that. First my head is a really busy place. These are the things that I think about when I should just be hurrying and getting dressed before the contractors arrive for the day. And secondly, it's so easy to get sidetracked in an argument. I made you think about two or three things other than the original thought of hating shopping. See? It wasn't even about the stripes originally. It was about shopping. 

I did it on purpose. It was a glimpse in to my head. Because I think people should understand why Brent never asks me what I am thinking. He knows the answer will be long and confusing. And I also did it because people want you to focus on other things. All of the time. You want to talk about Russia and they want you to address the cost of avocados. Not because they care about avocados, but because they don't want to talk about Russia. It's easy to get sidetracked. People much better at it than I am work on it all the time.

Because sometimes it's not just about the stripes. 

I still see you...

Five years ago today my Facebook status was a long one and I'll share the relevant part here:

"I've pretty much kept my mouth shut in the aftermath of Tuesday's elections but today I have had my fill. The next day turn around in the Republican party to want to do serious immigration reform and reach out to the dreamers has to be one of the most cynical epiphanies I have ever seen. And since we are talking about politics that is saying a lot.

This morning as I waited for the important things to start (football,people, football) I saw Ben Stein say "But we have to make some changes in our hearts - big changes. This is not the white man's country exclusively anymore, and it hasn't been for a long time. The strategy of appealing to angry white men is not correct, either morally or practically." Really, Ben? Would have been a moral issue if you had won on Tuesday instead of losing? Or is it really the practically part of your statement I should be focusing on. Are you really saying, "Face it the math won't work so we better get to changing." Then Lindsey Graham came on to talk about the wall that needed to come down between the Republican party and the Hispanic voters. I had to laugh...for years he and his colleagues have been screaming for a wall...now that they have it they aren't so happy...."

A year ago today I had multiple statuses where I basically spoke out about being tired of being told I needed to understand the Right and why they voted the way they did. How the plight of the working man was the reason for Trump's victory and it really was on the shoulders of the Left to get that. 

This morning reading those things back to back made me shake my head.

Five years ago the Republican party lost and they wanted to reach out to minorities. To show that they were sympathetic to their needs. That they were going to change...Then they put up a candidate that shouted BUILD A WALL! RAPISTS! DRUG DEALERS! It's not your fault you're poor, it's theirs! Dreamers are your nightmare! Turned the dog whistles in to bull horns and tiki torches (granted the tiki torches came after he won and they felt more empowered). They did that, he won, and then it was all about how the other side needed to understand them. To change. We understood you. We still understand you. I still see you.

Ben Stein was wrong. Appealing to the angry white man still had a win in it.

Roy Moore didn't do anything wrong by pursuing 16, 17 and 18 year old girls when he was in his 30s. And he surely didn't do anything wrong with a 14 year old. I mean Mary and Joseph am I right? And all of this is a vast left wing conspiracy...You elected Trump who you had on tape admitting to just grabbing women. You said you didn't have a problem with that. Now Roy Moore will win in Alabama and you cannot act surprised. You don't care about decency because it starts with a D and all you care about it is the letter R.

How do I know? Because my feed is full of the latest Hollywood Lefty being accused of sexual harassment or inappropriate behavior. But it was silent when it was Trump and Ailes and O'Reilly and now Moore. Or worst than silent, it was accusatory toward the women who came forward. It was dismissive of them (Trump said the women who came forward weren't attractive enough to harass for god's sake) it is willing to blame the media for reporting on it all. But oh how about that Kevin Spacey? Let me give you a hint on how to handle it. It's all bad. No matter what political side anyone is on. It's all bad. Feeling conflicted it normal when it's someone you thought you knew what they were like, but that shouldn't be a politically based decision. 

This morning the news was all about Trump saying he asked Putin again about the election interference and Putin said he didn't do it. Trump believes him. Believes him over our own intelligence community. Believes him because he says that he didn't do it and really we need to have good relations with Russia. That would be a good thing, not a bad one. And I watch the party of "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall," sink further in to BUILD A WALL and PUTIN ROCKS! It's insane to me.

He believes a former KGB agent over our own intelligence agencies. And you still don't think there is anything there. It's a nothingburger story and let's talk about Uranium One instead. Wait, if Russia is our friend why do we even care if they own a stake in a company here? Or is it that they aren't our friends but our enemies and we should be really fucking concerned about their fingers in our elections as well as our uranium? (set aside that the Uranium One deal story has been debunked, repeatedly and the Trump campaign connections keep coming thick and fast).

And you know what, I get it. I get the feeling of wanting to retreat to your circle and poke at everyone who isn't like you. I mean it's so much easier when everyone around you agrees. It's so hard to understand people who think Thoughts and Prayers is an actual answer to Guns and Ammo. It's so difficult to find common ground with people marching in Pink Hats when you just got a pink slip. Both sides don't see each other anymore. We just don't. And I am as guilty as the next person. My liberal progressive hard shell is firming up more and more. My distaste for talking point responses and whataboutism has led to more than one curse filled rant. And not the fun kind.

I don't have answers. I never have had answers. But I keep talking. I keep trying. I keep striving. It's all we can do, right?

But don't tell me how I need to understand you when you won't do the same for me.

Don't lie to yourself that smoke is thick without any fire.

Don't whatabout at me.

Just don't.