Comfortable in Her Own Skin...

Janet walked by the shop window looking over the latest models on display. Fashion changed so quickly it was hard to keep up. And honestly she really didn't want to be cutting edge. The colors were too bright for her, the angles too sharp, and the styles too extreme. She liked the classics. The things that she saw as a child and dreamed of being able to buy.

But she did need to refresh her look. She had noticed this morning that her favorite was getting a little threadbare. A little worn looking. Nothing changes classic to old quicker than a sagging seam. But she wasn't keen on this new look. The bright blue was especially popular right now. And what was the deal with the add on spikes? Shoulder caps with long silver spikes. Neck collars with deadly looking needles. How in the world were you supposed to interact with the world if you looked like a blue porcupine?

Of course, she didn't really know exactly what a porcupine looked like. She had seen pictures of them and once even an old nature documentary where a dog had gotten a face full of quills. She had never seen a real dog either, for that matter. But she did have an idea of what they were like as well. She had always thought having a dog would be a good thing. 

She took a deep breath and walked in to the showroom. She was going to have to get new things, no sense putting it off any longer. Maybe they would have something on the clearance rack that would suit her tastes more. 

"Welcome in, Ms. Vargas! What can we help you find today?" The Salesbot rolled over to her as soon as she walked in the door. Her personal information already being transmitted to its memory banks.

"I'm looking for a new suit. Do you have anything in this style?" Janet motioned over what she was currently wearing.

The Salesbot scanned Janet from head to toe. Janet swore if its head had been articulated enough it would have cocked it in a puzzled look. As it was it was just silent for a very long time as it accessed all of the data records.

"The suit you are wearing is from our 2045 line. We haven't had anything from that line in stock for quite a while I am afraid. Let me set you up in a fitting room and we can look for other styles that might fit your needs."

Janet sighed. She figured that would be the case. Oh well. She let herself be led to a fitting room and sat down on the padded bench in front of the view screen. 

"If you will please stand still with your arms out to the side so I can scan your dimensions, Ms. Vargas."

"Oh yes, I'm sorry. It's been awhile since I've had a fitting."

Janet stood and let herself be scanned. She hadn't changed sizes since her last fitting. It was why she had been able to keep this suit for as long as she had. She hated being a style chaser anyway. She really did like the classic look. And it was just so expensive. She didn't understand people who had a variety of sizes at their disposal. So much money for something that you could make last with just a little more discipline. 

After the scanning was complete she sat down to view the style mirror. Her body was projected on to the screen wearing the bright blue spike suit she had seen in the window.

"This is our latest design. It's very popular."

"No thank you. I really am looking for something more classic in style and color. Do you have anything in champagne?" Champagne sounded so much nicer than beige. 

Janet watched as version after version of herself modeling the latest styles and colors scrolled quickly past as the Salesbot looked for a more basic style. It stopped on a pink version with artful cutouts on the waist. "No. Not really my style, I really would like something more classic."

The images scrolled again stopping on a royal purple outfit with a collar that looked vaguely like a coronation cape. "Not that classic. Really I would like something like I have right now. Just not so worn out."

The Salesbot tried again, "Many people like the updated looks once they adjust. They wear very well. Stain resistant. State of the art blocking technology. The brighter colors do not show damage as much as the older lighter color styles did. We find that..."

"I would really like to stay away from the bright colors. I just don't prefer them. Can you please look again to see what is available?" The images started to stream faster. More colors. More attachments and cutouts and stylistic choices. All of it much too ornate for her tastes.

"Wait! Go back!" Janet saw one she liked, it had been a light brown suit. Perfectly fitted. Very smooth. The images slowed and reversed one by one. "There that one! How much is that one?"

The image crackled for a moment. She could almost hear the circuits in the Salesbot's processors humming as it tried to access the information. "I apologize, Ms. Vargas. That suit is not available."

"What do you mean not available? You have it on the screen. It has to be part of your inventory."

The screen changed to a pale purple suit with silver highlights on the shoulders. "This is more contemporary yet understated look."

"No. Go back to the other one."

"That suit is not available..."

"I heard you. Go back to that look."

The screen shifted and Janet was again looking at herself wearing a light brown suit. It was perfectly tailored. Not a seam to be seen. The detailing was different. Shading here and there. But it all looked like it was exactly right. Not overly ornate. But she wouldn't call it plain. "When was this a current design?" Janet was thinking she might find a tailor who could copy the design and get a privately made suit. Though she wasn't sure she would be able to afford one like this.

The Salesbot was silent.

"I asked you when this was in your stores. I won't ask again. Don't make me call programming to run a diagnostic on you."

The threat of having its circuits wiped worked, "This is an historical rendering of what your original suit would look like if it had not been damaged in the fallout."

"Wait? This is..." Janet looked at the picture again. "This is skin? Actual skin? My skin?"

"Yes. This is what the projections say you would look like before the fallout."

Janet stared at the version on herself on the screen. Then she carefully peeled off one glove and looked at her hands. The radiation sores never healed. She was more wound than skin. Had never considered what her actual body would have looked like. She had been born after the war, after all. She was second generation after war baby. The land was diseased. The animals were gone. But the robots remained and the people were making a comeback. The scientists who created Nu-Skin had saved them all. The original suits had only been available in dull gray. It had taken years for them to design other colors. Then the style mavens had taken over.

Janet ran her fingers over the picture screen wondering what that suit felt like. What it would have been like to have lived in that skin. She put her glove back on.

As the tears fell down her champagne colored cheeks she said, "I guess I will take the lavender suit."

A Splash of Red...

It was the red shorts.

She was driving to work and caught them out of the corner of her eye.

A jogger, do people still call themselves joggers? Probably not. Now everyone was a runner. In training for a marathon. Or a tri...tri what? Maybe it's try. Maybe she has been hearing it wrong. Try athletes. Not tri-athletes. Like maybe they are out jogging, excuse me, running because they are trying to be athletes.

Anyway...he was wearing red shorts.

As she drove past him she saw the flash of red out of the corner of her eye. His red shorts.

But she didn't realize that's what she was seeing. She just knew that there was a splash of bright red on the side of the road.

She didn't realize at the time it was red shorts and he was a runner and it was all normal. She just saw the splash of red.

That's what she told the officer anyway.

Not right away. I mean she didn't call the police because she saw a splash of red on the side of the road. That would have been crazy.

She called the police when she saw the story about the hit and run accident.

And even then she didn't call them right away.

She saw the splash of red out of the corner of her eye when she was walking in to the bar. The News was on the TV in the corner and they were talking about the accident. As she walked to the table by the window she saw the splash of red. And it made her think, I've seen that splash of red before.

That's when she found out it was a jog...runner. Wearing red shorts. The red shorts caught someone's attention on their drive in to work. They saw it as they were driving by and something didn't seem right so they had pulled over and gone back to look. They found him on the berm.

Berm is an odd word. She had thought for a long time people were saying burn. Which didn't make sense. They weren't burning the grass they were planting it in hills. Building a berm to block the view of the new construction. To keep people from seeing them. Unless, of course, they were wearing bright red shorts. Berm.

So now she had her drink and she was watching someone else who had seen that splash of red and had stopped and found him. It made her feel as though she probably should have stopped. But she hadn't. For a splash of red? Who does that? Well, except for the man on the News.

It had been a splash, a flash of red. How did he even know it wasn't right? How many other colors did he stop for each day? Did a splash of blue make him slow down? Or was it just red? Yellow? Orange? Pink? Pink would have probably led him to slamming on his brakes and putting the car in to reverse right away.

She laughed out loud.

She hadn't noticed she was laughing until people in the bar turned and stared at her. She didn't blame them. She was sitting by herself watching a News story on a hit and run and the hero who had stopped and she was laughing. Was it laughing? She tried to stop. It sounded a little hysterical. And it wasn't really funny.

She was probably feeling guilty that she had just driven on. Was he still alive when she had seen the splash of red? If she had realized something was wrong and stopped like the man on the News would it have been in time? Or was it too late by then. Had he already felt the berm?

She snorted and laughed again. Slamming her drink down and signalling for another.

It had been a spectacularly bad day. She had been late for work. She had spilled coffee on her keyboard. Again. IT was not impressed. She had called her boss by the wrong name. Which wasn't her fault. She had one of those names that are too close to other names. The number of Christines, Katherines, Cathys, Courtneys, Calistas, what ever. What happened to Rhonda and Lisa and Darlene? When did people start naming their kids the same name? Three hundred Britneys, Britnees, Britnays in her nephew's graduating class. It wasn't her fault. Not really.

Anyway once Crystal was through berating her for being late, ruining a keyboard and calling her Catherine she had told her that the company was bringing in an expert to run the Lakeridge account. Excuse me? She was an expert on the Lakeridge account. She had been running it for the past year hadn't she? Well, yes she had but apparently some things had slipped lately so they felt it would be good to get someone in who maybe had a firmer grasp on the fine details. She would, of course, be needed to help. And she would still be handling the other aspects of her job.

The filing. The making copies. The getting coffee. She was being pushed back down to being a glorified secretary. Again. She had been with the firm since she graduated college. She had worked up from intern to managing partner. Well not partner. Almost partner. She had been so close she could almost taste it. Then it had fallen apart.

Bermed.

She signaled for another drink. Was shocked when she looked down and saw she'd already had two empty glasses on the table. How did that happen?

She had been about to make partner. Had already started looking at new condos downtown. Ones she would be able to afford when that raise came through. Maybe a vacation to Europe. A tour. That's what they called them. A European tour. Partners got extra time off. More money. More vacation. She was right there. Then she wasn't.

A splash of red.

She laughed again. It was a splash of red that did her in wasn't it? Jerry got caught with a bright red lipstick stain on his boxers. His wife didn't wear bright red. Jerry decided to retire. His wife had given him the option. Retire or divorce. And he had chosen to retire. And her dreams of being partner retired with him. They couldn't fire her. They knew that. She could sue. So they kept her. For all the good it did her.

A splash of red.

She signaled to the bartender that she would be signing out now. When she got her tab she was amazed at how expensive a couple of drinks had gotten.

The News had switched over to an entertainment show. The latest it girl talking about her latest summer blockbuster. Wearing a cut down to her navel shirt and laughing at the host like he was the funniest man in the world. She did a slow blink watching them flirt. As the starlet leaned back you could see the edge of her bra. Just a little splash of red.

She got in her car and started the drive home. Slowly. There was no reason to rush. What did she have waiting there anyway? The trash and recycling that needed to go out tonight? Was that all? She didn't want to rush for that. She wouldn't put her containers out until late. She knew her neighbors were judging her. Like none of them had bottles to put out. She knew they did.

She saw the News van on the side of the road as she got close. They were broadcasting from the scene of the hit and run. Why did they do that? Go out where something had already happened? Did they expect to see the ghosts of newsworthy events past? Ridiculous. Shouldn't they be on a beach somewhere waiting for a hurricane?

She laughed again.

She drove past the News van. Past the berm. Past where the splash of red had been.

Well where it had been when the hero saw it.

She passed where it was when she noticed it a few feet past that point.

She could hear it again. The thud he made when he hit her car. She felt it. The way the car shook when he ran in to her. Because he had run in to her. She would have seen him if he had been on the edge of the road the whole time. He was wearing those damn red shorts after all. But she hadn't. Not until he was on her hood. Then flying up and over to the berm. Landing in a way that no one would ever land naturally.

Just a splash of red.

When she got home she called the police. She told them she had seen the News story about the hit and run. She told them her side of the story. That it hadn't been her fault. He had run in to her. She hadn't even noticed it except as a splash of red out of the corner of her eye. Not really. Then she told them where to find the car. She hung up the phone and had another drink. Then another. She took her trash and recycling out and sent Crystal an email message.

Dear Crystal,

Fuck you.

Then she filled the bath tub and sank in to the warm water clutching her glass so tightly it shattered in her hands. Across her wrists. Up her arms.

Just a splash of red....

For God and Country...

Yesterday Arkansas put up a ten commandments monument outside the state capitol building. Last night a man drove up to it and knocked it over. According to reports he also did this to a ten commandments monument in Oklahoma a few years ago. Apparently he suffers from some mental issues. But he also, it was reported, had posted before about being upset by these monuments. Not because he isn't religious but because he is.

And I feel that.

Driving home from the gym I pass a church. They had been setting up a tent earlier this week and I assumed it was for their VBS program. They have one every year and they set up the tent for it every year. Today I realized I was wrong. It's a fireworks display. So the fence of the church is lined with flags and the giant fireworks tent is set up and it's just brimming with patriotism. God Bless America...

And I could feel my face doing that thing my face does when I find something distasteful. And I wasn't sure what was bugging me for a little bit. I mean, I'm not a fan of fireworks. They are loud, they are annoying, I grew up in an area prone to fires so they always indicate fire danger for me, people start setting them off as soon as they go on sale and don't stop until they run out. There are people who think marking midnight of the 4th is a good idea who the fuck cares how many people are trying to sleep. It freaks out the dogs and it freaks out the vets. Go to a big display. We have a ton of them. You don't need to set off your own. And you especially don't need to set off the ones that are illegal here. But I know that's just me. Most people don't feel that way about them and I just deal with it every year. It annoys me but it doesn't usually make me mad.

So what was it?

And a voice in my head replied, it's a church. Ah...yeah, that's it.

And here is where I found myself nodding along a few hours later reading about the crazy guy knocking over the monument not because he wasn't religious but because he was.

In the church I was raised in you were not supposed to be political. God isn't a Republican. Not a Democrat either, by the way. He's God. He's above all of that nonsense. And you are supposed to be as well at least as far as mixing the two is concerned. Be in the world but not of it. Politicians and politics are small potatoes when you worship a king sort of thing. And even though I am not religious anymore there is the part of me that was raised that way that really hates when churches go political. Not because they can't but because they aren't supposed to.

And yes, I know that selling fireworks isn't really being political. It was more the row of flags surrounding the church that I found distasteful. American flags. Like God had chosen a favorite country. And that's part of what bugs me. That religious smugness that permeates so much of our politics. That invoking of a higher power who favors us. USA us. Like we are some sort of chosen people. Which, by the way, that's already taken and we already give enough money and clout to them that you would think we would understand that.

But it goes against what my religious teachings were and as much as I've rejected them growing up and leaving the church there is still a part of me that makes that face when I see a church wrap itself in the flag or a politician hide behind a bible. I find it distasteful. And usually dishonest. I mean look at Trump and his new found religion. Or Gingrich and his firmly held religious beliefs that he changes with each new wife. They are phonies and frauds and better hope that I'm right about the lack of a higher power because if the God they are pretending to believe in actually exists I have to think he won't look too kindly on hypocrites who use his name to advance their careers.

Which then reminded me of a conversation I had with my mother last year during our very contentious presidential elections. After debating the current candidates she suggested that I should run for office and that she would vote for me. (which I think was sweet of her to say, but my mother votes straight R tickets so we both know that wouldn't be likely) But anyway...I told her I could never get elected because I'm not religious. I would not end each speech with God Bless these United States.

And she replied...

You wouldn't be the first to say it that didn't believe it.

Yeah, but I wouldn't be able to keep my face from doing that my face thing...

Half-Way...

So we're almost at the half way point for the year. A few days shy of the six month mark. I thought it was a good time to check in on my goals and see how I'm doing.

With this blog a day in June push I'm back on track here. In fact this puts me ahead of the game a touch. I should be at 58 by the end of June and I'm sitting at 68 as of yesterday so I'm a touch in the black there. Which is good because I still have sabbatical coming up and that's two months of a totally different schedule staring at me. I want to be ahead of the game by a chunk before that happens, this helps put me there and hopefully I'll keep it there until September.

My reading goal was lighter this year and that's good. I'm three books ahead of the curve there but if I had set my normal higher number I would be quite a bit behind. So I was right in that I had so many other things I wanted to do that my book count would suffer. But for now I'm still ahead of the game. I would guess I will be even further ahead after our Alaskan cruise. I think there will be a lot of downtime on the ship where pretty much what I will do is read. I have no idea, I have no clue what to expect, but I think that's what will happen?

Health. I was aiming for 5 days a week at the gym plus more active outside of it. I'm pretty good about hitting the gym. Most weeks it's the 5 days. I skipped a day last week to get some things taken care of around the house before the day got too hot and I skipped today due to a blister and some things we'll talk about at the end of this list. Cooking and eating. I've drastically lowered the amount of sugar we are taking in. During the week I don't eat anything with added sugars if I can help it. I eat things that have natural sugars, fruits, cheese, milk, but no "sweets." On the weekend I do eat dessert and maple syrup. It's gotten to the point that I cannot tolerate a lot of sugar. It makes me a little ill. So that's good. Still not great, but it's good.

Gratitude and Picture of the Day. I've been consistent with both of those. The daily gratitude has been challenging some days. Not that I don't have things to be grateful for, I always have a lot of things I'm grateful for, but I find myself judging what I post. Does this sound stupid? I mean I am grateful for catching the time of day at 12:34 but how lame is that? Does this sound like a humble brag? I am really grateful we are going to Alaska. But I know a lot of people who can't take trips like that. Is it shitty to talk about it? So that's the challenging part. But I try to remind myself that it's MY daily gratitude and it's what I am grateful for. I shouldn't be less grateful for the things I have because others don't, I should be more grateful for them. And if you don't know that I love seeing sequential numbers then why the hell are you my friend? Picture of the Day I might drop at the end of June. We'll come back to that as well.

The year long list. I've checked off a few things. I still have a few to go. I've added more as well. Which is what it is for. So that's still chugging along.

Goof off time. This one has been hit and miss. I have time where I am goofing off but it's not supportive. Supportive? Is that word I want? I don't want to use productive because that is the opposite of what I am supposed to be doing there, but supportive seems right. It's not enhancing my life. There are some things I've done that have. I'm watching a TV show C recommended and I enjoy that. But I want to bust out my crayons more. And figure out a nice way to do a puzzle without messing up the kitchen table. Things that bring me joy. THERE YOU GO! Joyful! I find that sometimes when I'm goofing off it's not joyful. It's just...meh. So more good TV or movies. More coloring. More puzzles. Less online time suck things.

And then to track it all I got a calendar and some flashy colored stars to motivate me. I do love getting a star. And that worked...for a bit.

So here we are at the parts that I need to evaluate. Health is always the big one right? Though I've been pretty darn good about the gym I have not been as successful at the additional fitness things. Part of that has been weather related. We had a brutal winter so getting outside and doing things just wasn't appealing. Hopefully now that summer is here I will be better about it. Get us a few hikes in on the weekends and such. Last month I did a squat challenge with Brent, Susan and Liz and that was fun. It was extra physical activity and a group project in a way. Checking in daily kept me motivated. So maybe I will look for other things like that. Part of my problem is all of the other things on my list are sitting things. I can't read, write, color, while being active. I have conflicting goals here. So time management needs to step in.

Health is an issue with diet as well. I know it's all about being fit but I still really want to lose about 10 pounds. Now this is good news because on January 1 I wanted to lose 20. My problem is I've tapped out where I am. It goes up and down in a new range, but I'm not really lowering any further than I first hit back in March. It's just settling in in this area. So the cutting back on sugar was REALLY helpful, but it wasn't all of it. I know I should switch the way we eat further. Mediterranean is the diet style that comes up over and over as best for heart health and brain health. I just have been super resistant to actually doing it. I went to the bookstore today to pick up a plan book. I was going to just put us on it for a month and see how it went. BOOM. Then I looked through the recipes and remembered why I haven't done it yet. It just doesn't appeal to me. I need to get past the block and try it out, I think, but I'm so bad at sticking with things that feel forced on me.

I mean, I'm already frustrated with the sugar thing and I've lost 10 pounds and I think I'm sleeping better and it's got to be healthier for my insides. But I haven't lost more. I'm not making HUGE strides and damn I love sugar. So I'm sort of pouty right now. I'm trying to add in a bit more fruit to see if that gets me past this slump. And like I said about the Mediterranean diet part, I am lousy at sticking with things. I like cake. I like cookies. I want to be able to eat them whenever I want without getting sick to my stomach or a head ache. Even though everything I have read says they are SO bad for you. But dang it they taste so good...Like I said, I'm just pouty right now. I want my workouts and my eating to be showing better results, not slow results. Not I'm 48 so really this is very good (according to my doctor) results. But I'm hopeful it will pass.

I need to work out my writing. I feel like I've not been as focused there as I should be. I think maybe I need to block out a few hours every day where I just sit down and write. Blog or other work. But daily writing. Sort of what I have been doing this month, but not just focused on the blog. I don't have to have anything at the end of the day to show anyone except myself sort of thing. So I think I might do that.

I mentioned dropping Picture of the Day again. This one is always tricky for me. I do it because I enjoy it. Then I drop it because it's not bringing me the joy it did. Then I go back to it because I miss it. Maybe it's just that I need a different prompting list? Maybe I will find someone else's list instead of Fat Mum Slim for July and test that out. I've done her lists often enough that I recognize the repeated prompts and it's difficult not to repeat myself with the pictures.

And then there is the star chart thing. I need some sort of plan. Some sort of scheduler. But the stars aren't cutting it anymore. I've done 6 months of shiny stars and now they've lost their sparkle. Maybe I need to set goals for the number of stars of each color I am aiming for instead of just marking them? Though what am I working for at that point? What is the master YAY you did it? Hmm...not sure. But the stars have lost their motivating abilities so I think they will go away in July.

Maybe.

And this is where the other issues come in. I feel like I've set these yearly goals and designs and I'm only halfway through them. I feel a need to finish but I also feel like some of them aren't working for me right now. I have three more days of June to think on it and make any final changes before July 1 for the next 6 months. I will have to see what I do.

So there you go. Half point check in.

Books and Politics...

I like to say that West Wing is how we hoped the White House operated and Veep is how we fear it really is. Though now with the Reality Show President I think Veep might be a step up...

Anyway...reading Al Franken's book right now and it's an interesting look into the Senate part of our government. Now I've always liked Franken. Obviously his politics line up nicely with mine as does his snarky sense of humor. And, of course, I liked that he was willing to point out the lies of the Right. Bill O'Reilly was a favorite target. He wouldn't just say, "They are lying!" and shake his fist. He did his research. He showed where the lie came from. How it was promulgated. How it was designed so people believed it. And what a big crock of shit it was and why.

Of course this was before.

Before when I thought it mattered. In my crazy days of thinking that if you pointed out to someone that they were being told a falsehood, and showed them how it was a falsehood, it would matter. It took me a long time to realize that wasn't the case.

Now I see people who spent the last 6 years posting, "If you like your doctor you can keep your doctor" as a reply to why they would NEVER trust Obama keeping suspiciously quiet about the Twitterer In Chief and his weekly barrage of nonsense. Because it doesn't matter. Not really. They don't care about a lie. They care about an R or a D. And they care about winning. Which, sadly, is what Trump foresaw. That people just want to win. They want to be able to say, "We won, you lost, get over it."when you are pointing out that he is lying to them. He is lying about things that are ridiculous to lie about. Things that are easily checked. That saying, "I didn't say that!" is not in fact the same thing as not actually saying that. That BUT HER EMAILS doesn't really justify anything he is doing.

It doesn't matter.

And that's really sad.

I don't understand it.

I do understand shades. I do understand what I think of as a misstatement or being wrong you think of as a bold faced lie. I do understand that you might be more forgiving of someone who you believe thought they were being honest at the time while I think they knew all along. I do get that at times there are nuances.

But when it's just a flat out lie? When it's easily provable to be a lie? When they should and in fact have to know that they are lying and they say it anyway? How do you justify that? How does that not bother you? How do you defend it or just as badly stand quietly by?

So right now I am mourning a little while I read Al Franken's book. It's a good book, you should check it out. It sheds light on a lot of our processes of elections and governing. He's a funny man who had to work at not being publicly funny for awhile. It's really interesting. But it's also more than a little sad to me. Because I can't help but think of all the times I thought that truth mattered. That facts were important. That if you just showed someone what was going on, and if you could show them in a funny way so much the better, but if you just showed them the truth they would see it.

Now I know better.

Most see an R or a D and the rest doesn't matter.

But it really is a good book. No lie.

Well...

The first event of Not Sabbatical was a hit.

We drove down to Bend yesterday and had dinner with C then went to the Paul Simon concert. We stayed the night, had breakfast with C this morning, then came back up to Portland. Traffic wasn't terrible, which is great. It can be a nightmare between here and there. A few years ago we went down the Friday of 4th of July weekend, not thinking about it being the Friday of 4th of July weekend and our right around 3 hour drive took closer to 6. It was insane. But both yesterday and today weren't bad. Now to be fair we did leave right after breakfast this morning just to beat the rush home of everyone that spent the weekend on the rivers and lakes trying to beat the heat.

But anyway...it was a good quick weekend trip and now we are home in time to get some things taken care of before work starts again tomorrow. Brent needs to fly to Seattle so that's a crazy sort of day in and of itself. Last time he had a meeting there his flight was delayed so much they ended up doing the meeting by phone conference AFTER spending a few hours in the airport. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. It's not Crater Lake, but we will get there some day.

The concert was really good. The Bend Amphitheater is a little less fancy than the one in Vancouver, more of a band shell than a concert venue, but it was still fine. Hot as fuck. Oh my god. The one thing it did not have that the amphitheater in Vancouver has is shade. So everyone was just out in the sun. Sweating like crazy. And since we all had to be wanded in the lines were crazy long. Now I went with fancy tickets so we skipped the crazy long line but we saw how long they were and felt really badly for everyone standing in them. (Yes, I know, but I am willing to pay for convenience)

He sounded great. He's 75 and did a two hour set. Amazing. C asked this morning if he did all of the hits (he was being a little facetious since he has no idea what Paul Simon's hits are) and I told him no, but that it would be impossible to do 50 years worth of hits. Fifty years. That's one hell of a long career. And he's still making new music. So no, he didn't play every song I would want him to play, but he played a lot of them. And even the newer things were good.

His band is incredible. And he has a brass section. I'm a sucker for a busy horn section. And we are pretty sure he was high as fuck when he first came out so to be able to sing that purely and remember all of the words while floating along on your own personal cloud. Amazing.

Now the parts that make me shake my head...

Why oh why do you bother to buy concert tickets if you are going to show up late, bitch about the artist, and talk through the songs? By the end of the night Brent had a hand permanently on my leg to keep me from spinning around and suggesting they would be able to hear their conversation more clearly outside of the venue so the man on the stage wouldn't keep interrupting them. It was making me crazy. He would sing they would talk louder. They had to have spent close to $500 for the number of seats they had. Why in the world would you spend that money to talk to each other and annoy everyone around you? Stay home. Throw a garden party with his music on in the background. Enjoy your friends and the music for so much less money and I would have to think so much more enjoyable of an evening. And for fucks sake stop tapping your foot on my chair. Don't make me ask you again.

One of the men was insistent that Paul wasn't playing his guitar. Every few minutes he'd announce to his group, "Do you enjoy air guitar?" then try to show how he would start and stop and so he obviously wasn't playing. Or his fingers weren't moving the right way. It took everything I had to not turn around and explain why he was an idiot. I guess he's never seen a band with more than one guitar player. And my guess is that the talking was making it hard for him to hear the difference when Paul was playing and when he wasn't. But seriously...every few minutes, "Do you enjoy air guitar?" What I would enjoy is you shutting the fuck up. Please. Just to be polite. They did pay enough attention to sing along with one song. That was the only time I thought they should go back to talking. Now I am horrible about singing along. I like to sing along. But I do so very quietly unless it's one of those moments where the artist encourages the crowd to join in . I figure you didn't pay to hear me sing so I will do it softly. And I don't have a terrible voice. *sigh*

After the second encore and the band took their bows and left the stage Paul stayed out there. Just him and a guitar. He closed the evening with a few final thoughts. Anger is addictive. It feeds on itself. And though there might be a lot of things to be angry about right now it's better to make decisions and plans with a clear and calm mind. So we need to keep in mind that someone is trying to make sure we are all staying angry. Someone is profiting off of our collective anger. And we shouldn't give it to them. Then he played Sounds of Silence on his guitar and sang. Just him. No band. One man and a guitar. Pure.

I turned around feeling the weight of his words to look at the people who had been driving me crazy all evening and....

SON OF BITCH they left early so I couldn't even tell the bastard, HOW DID YOU LIKE THAT AIR GUITAR YOU IGNORANT FUCK??

What were you looking at?

I made the mistake of watching the Philando Castile video this week. The verdict had already come down and I wasn't surprised that they found the officer not guilty. That is the normal verdict after all. But watching the video was a mistake. Not only because I don't watch snuff films, and that's what that was. The man died. I knew going in that the man was going to die. I don't like watching people die. Let alone people be killed. And he was killed. Shot to death. But I shouldn't have watched because it made me angry.

What did they see?

What were they looking at?

You can hear Mr. Castile talking. He's very calm. He's not agitated. He's making the officer aware of his gun. That we in America are so proud to have to right to carry. So many guns out there in these great United States that every time a cop makes a traffic stop they assume the person is armed. I've heard it over and over all my life as to why that makes the job so stressful. What if the person is carrying? What am I going to encounter when I walk up to the car? Well, Mr. Castile told the officer exactly what to expect. He had a gun. He was carrying. When told not to reach for it Mr. Castile said he wasn't. His dying words were that he wasn't reaching for his gun. Dying words.

So when I watched it I posted about it and I had a couple of friends state that there had to be something else the jury saw. Had to be. Because the cop shot Mr. Castile so there had to be a reason. One pointed out how scared the cop sounded. If he was scared then there had to be a reason. Had to be.

This is a problem, in my opinion. And this is why we have officer involved shootings that end up in acquittals even when you can see what happened. When you the normal everyday man on the street watches and thinks, why did you shoot them? What were you looking at?

There had to be a reason.

We are conditioned to believe our police officers. We are questioned and condemned when we don't. I have a friend who is married to a cop who will drop you like a hot potato if you post anything remotely anti-police. I have a few friends who are in law enforcement who both dropped off of social media because they felt there was too much anti-cop posting out there. And it always makes me squint a little at what is shown to be anti-cop.

I'm not anti-cop. I think cops are great. Like I said, I have friends in the law enforcement community. I know the job they do is incredibly dangerous. I know they save lives. I know they help people. I know their family members worry about them coming home at night.

I also know that not all cops are good cops.

And no cop is perfect.

They make mistakes.

And if a mistake is made and someone loses their life? Well that's a mistake that should be punished.

And more often than not it isn't.

Because there had to be something more. There had to be something else. There had to be a reason.

But what are you seeing?

Are you seeing what is there or what you think HAS to be there? What you need to believe was there so you don't have to accept that that cop was wrong. Was human and made a mistake. A serious, deadly mistake.

I do think that the cop who shot Mr. Castile was scared. You could hear it in his voice. He was terrified. But Mr. Castile hadn't done anything to warrant that fear so why was he so scared? That's the part we should have been looking to answer. Not assuming that because he was scared there had to be a reason and because of that reason he was justified to be scared so he was cleared to kill Mr. Castile. What are you seeing there? I'm seeing a man who was scared. Scared of someone calmly telling him that he was armed. Getting his license out as he was instructed. Telling him that he wasn't reaching for his gun. Which makes more sense than telling the cop he had a gun and then going to shoot him. If Mr. Castile's plan was to shoot the cop wouldn't he have had the gun out, in his hand and just shot him when he walked up to the car? Why would he tell him about the gun? What were you seeing?

And I will have people tell me I wasn't on the jury. I don't know what they heard. And they will be right. I wasn't. I don't. But as I stated when I saw the recording, I have no idea what they could have said or shown me that would make me think that was okay.

Because, here is the thing, I assume cops are better than that. I want my cops to be REALLY well trained. I want them to have cool heads when the rest of the world is freaking the fuck out. I want them to be able to maintain rational, calm, cool, collected, mannerisms when every one around them is scared. The cops I know? They can do this. It's part of their training to be able to do it. So when a shooting happens like Philando Castile, Tamir Rice, Walter Scott (sadly just to name a few) my first thought isn't there must be something more, my first thought is that person should not be a cop. There was a huge mistake made somewhere that let them be a cop.

You can be both pro-police and anti-bad police. In fact you should be. I've said it over and over again. Bad cops make it more dangerous for good cops. They erode the public trust. They put their partners in to dangerous situations. They bring everything down. The whole bad apple analogy. One or two bad apples spoils the bunch. You have to get rid of the bad apples. You have to be able to say, there was nothing more. He was wrong. Someone died because he was wrong.

There are times when shootings happen that are necessary. When the officers are truly in danger or other people around them are truly in danger. There are reasons why that happens. I wish that I could read a story about the shooting and know in my heart that it was justified and if it wasn't then there will be punishment. But I don't know that right now. I don't believe that right now. I think we are wrong. We, all of us, when we say, there must have been something more there. Because sometimes there isn't and we are justifying something that is unjustifiable.

He was scared.

If that is all the justification that it takes then we should all be scared.