Can you cut that on the bias?

It's a ranty one. Just to warn you.

Okay, so I was going to stay away from politics for awhile but I have to post something that has been bugging me for a week and I just can't hold it in anymore.  It's all about bias and how it colors your world and in particular how you are ruining things by letting it do so. Or in particular one thing. Which I will get to in a second.

Bias is really interesting to me. I'm always fascinated to see how it plays out in life. Reading yet another book right now that talks about how we make judgements based on biases that we might not even realize we have. I've read a lot of books like this. I've read a lot of articles about this. I find it incredibly interesting. I also really try to be aware of them when I am talking to people about their beliefs. The more strongly biased they are in one direction or the other the less likely you are going to be successful in changing an opinion.

I also know that I have my own biases that color my thoughts and I know that I have some I'm not even aware of. And when I become aware that I have already made a judgement about something I try to figure out if it's valid or if it's strictly my own bias. As you all know there are some things that you are never going to change my mind on. I'm strongly biased in one direction. But there are other things that I am willing to look at other ideas and ways of thinking and shift. I lean left in my politics but I am much more centrist than a lot of my other left leaning friends. And much more centrist than a lot of my right leaning friends. And because of this I feel I am in a pretty good position to tell people to stop a certain behavior that is driving me crazy. Just stop it. STOP IT.

What is it? Ruining a joke. Political jokes to be specific. I want to point out something that should be obvious but isn't. You cannot just substitute one president or prominent political figure for another and expect the joke to work. Presidents and other figures have personas. Those personas work within a joke. Last week in my feed was a joke that was popular in the Bush era with Bush as the punchline and I saw it again yesterday from someone else. It's a clever joke all about word play. I'll link it here and another version here. Now this joke is making the rounds again but with Obama substituted for Bush. And it doesn't work. Let me tell you why and it has nothing to do with politics and everything to do with personas and the story.

When you think of Weapons of Mass Destruction whose presidency do you think of? Bush or Obama? When you think of a President who would have to count on their fingers for a math problem who do you think of Bush or Obama? See? It doesn't work to drop in Obama. You can dislike the man and his policies but being a bit on the lighter side academically isn't part of his persona. It would be like if Mitt Romney had won the election and someone sent out this joke, "The Presidential luncheon took longer than planned as President Romney realized that Speaker Boehner had more croutons on his salad than Representative Pelosi and wouldn't move forward until they were redistributed equally."  Doesn't work for Romney because that's not his persona, it's Obama's.

And it works with all jokes. My brother sent me one today (the tipping point for the rant) that I originally read years ago as stupid things people ask airline employees. It was funny, even if you doubted the veracity of some of them. But being from New Mexico I can absolutely vouch for the general lack of geographical awareness of some of our fellow Americans. (It's the GIANT state between Texas and Arizona) But the version he sent me had been changed so every stupid thing was now supposedly said by a prominent Democrat in Congress. I get it, it's fun to make fun of politicians but now the joke doesn't work. It goes from being slightly unbelievable to completely unbelievable  From being a general oh my gosh, some people! To a specific, THOSE people. And it stops being funny. Because it doesn't work. It wouldn't work if you changed them all to Republicans either. I can't stand Newt Gingrich's politics, or smugness, or religious hypocrisy but I also know he's extremely smart.  A Gingrich joke has to focus on multiple marriages or overconfidence, not on a lack of IQ, or it doesn't work.

So let's all try to agree, when making jokes try very very hard to set your bias aside and make sure the joke works before you send it out.

For instance:
Jokes about chasing women: Clinton
Jokes about marrying women: Gingrich
Jokes about binders of women: Romney
Jokes about living with a lot of women: Obama
Jokes about misspelling women: Bush the Younger

My name is Denise Mastenbrook and I approve this message.

Well shoot....

Amendment II

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

reg·u·late

1.Control or maintain the rate or speed of (a machine or process) so that it operates properly.
2.Control or supervise (something, esp. a company or business activity) by means of rules and regulations.

So here it is the blog I set out to write a month ago. Or actually a month and a day. December 14th, 2012. Earlier in the week we had a shooting at a local mall and I was tired of seeing all of the same arguments being played out on my Facebook feed. So I came in to the study, sat down to write, opened my browser and...well Sandy Hook. So the blog waited while I continued to read what people thought.

The funny thing is that I actually thought for a second that Sandy Hook might change some minds, but it didn't. What it did was drive people further into their own rhetoric. Because as a country we have failed in a lot of things and on the top of the list is the ability to think. Critical thinking. We don't teach it to our kids in school. We only want them to learn what is going to be on the test so we can be #1 in the polls! Yay! We teach them that 1+1=2 but we don't teach them how to look at information and form solid thoughts and opinions around that information. We don't teach them to ask questions. And we sure as hell don't teach them to listen to answers.

Even as I am writing this I know that most of the people reading already know what they are going to say. Because it's what we do instead of discuss and reason. We toss sound bites back and forth. And the odds of you changing my mind on an issue with a clever little sound bite is the exact same as me changing yours. Take for a second the appearance of the NRA CEO on Meet the Press after Sandy Hook where he was willing to talk about whatever it would take to change the gun violence problem in our country. Well talk about everything except actually controlling access to guns that is. He was adamant about that not being something he was willing to entertain for even a second. He hit all of his soundbites. Say them along with me, Guns don't kill people, people kill people. Guns are tools. The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun....and on and on.

Which makes me roll my eyes. Don't give me trite sound bites. Don't give me slogans. Give me a real reasoned argument. Give me something I can look at and think about. And give me the respect to listen to my arguments and concerns as well.

So back to my opening. The reason I printed the Second Amendment up there is because people need to read it to talk about it and you would be so surprised how many people have never bothered to read it, or our entire Constitution for that matter. So I went ahead and put it up there for you. It's shorter than you imagined isn't it? The second thing I did is post the definition for regulate. Because this is the one that I seem to have the biggest sticking point on. Regulate means control. So why do you assume that when I talk about being pro gun control I don't know the Second Amendment?

This is where most arguments break down and people go to their corners to shout their slogans. I think we need more control. You think that means I want to take away all of your guns. No, it doesn't. It means that I think we need more control. You shout at me about cars killing people. I say, I have to have a license, insurance and registration to operate my car and if I move to a different state I have to re-register my car and renew my license there. And every few years I have to renew my license to operate my car. AND after a certain age I have to take the test to show I can safely operate my car every year. AND I am only allowed to drive a certain speed and have to obey other traffic safety laws. Because the use of my car is well regulated.

Then you tell me about knives. Well okay. Yes. Knives can kill people as well. They can also cut my steak. Or a length of rope. Or spread butter on my bread. What else can your gun do beside shoot someone or something? And if a knife is so dangerous why don't you carry that instead of a gun? Oh that's right because a gun is more dangerous. And it's true. I've been cut by other people wielding knives twice in my life. If they had shot me instead odds are I would be dead. So you are right; knives aren't as dangerous as guns. Wait, no your point was knives were just as dangerous as guns, so now I'm confused.

And we can do this all day. You give me a slogan and I break it down for you as to why it doesn't work for me. Guns don't kill people, people kill people. You are right. People kill people. Guns just make it easier for them to do it. Give me a handful of bullets and let me throw them at you it's not really going to do a lot. Not just because I have lousy aim when throwing, but because I don't have a gun. Give me a gun and a handful of bullets and let me shoot at you. Which, funny enough, I have better aim shooting than throwing. So I still sent a bullet your way. Because people are the ones to do it. But which one do you think is going to cause the damage? Guns are tools. Yes, yes they are. Tools used to shoot things.

You want a gun to defend your home. Okay. Here is a real world example I read the other day. Someone was talking about wanting and having an AR-15 because he had once had a gun held to his head and he was never going to have that happen again. He was talking to someone who was pro-gun control and asked what she would do if three guys broke in to her house because he would be prepared. And this is where it falls apart for me again. Okay, first off, you once had a gun held to your head, but you weren't shot. Scary, I get it. I have been threatened by a gun as well, terrifying. More so than the times with a knife. Much more. Because you know how close you are to death. But you weren't shot. If you had a gun as well would you have been? Would the person threatening you have been? A threat from a gun only works if you are willing to kill someone. Don't pull it unless you are willing to shoot it.

So his next step was if his home was broken in to he would be ready. Really? Would you? Say there is a group of three guys who have been planning a home invasion on your house. They are going to bust in knowing what they are after. They will have their guns ready. Will you be sitting waiting for them holding your AR-15 locked and loaded or will you be sitting on the couch wondering how those 2 Broke Girls are ever going to get their cupcake shop off the ground? Because that's the thing. Even if you do have a gun in your house your worst case panic scenario is armed men breaking in to your home and most likely that gun isn't sitting in your lap ready to go. Because that's not what you are thinking of right then. But they are. They have the jump on you. Now what?

The NRA wants an armed guard at every school. The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. Because it worked so well in Columbine. See again, the bad guys are making plans for their shootings. The armed guards are protecting against the possibility that something might happen. They can't be everywhere at once. I know quite a few good guys with guns. People I would trust to protect me in case of shooting. And they are mostly law enforcement. A few former military. But people who have had significant training. And on going training. And understand what it means to be a good guy with a gun. Because their usage is well regulated. You having a gun doesn't automatically make you a good guy with a gun. It just makes you a guy with a gun.

The shooting that happened here is getting a lot of pro gun press because there was a guy at the mall with a concealed carry gun on him. He says he caught the eye of the shooter and believes that the next shot that was fired was the shooter taking his own life. So obviously the good guy with the gun won there right? Well except that we don't know that the shooter ever saw him. We don't know that the shooter didn't accidentally shoot himself while trying to un-jam his gun, another theory that is out there. But I do know that if you told me about the guy at the mall who wanted to be a cop but wasn't so instead did mall security and got a concealed carry permit and brought his gun with him shopping in a busy mall (not the one he worked at) the week before Christmas I wouldn't be so sure if you were talking about the good guy with the gun or the bad guy. But maybe that's just me.

So now you think you know where I stand on gun control. Except you don't. You know what I think when you toss your arguments at me and why they don't work for me. Except I don't think you know that either. Because I think that your opinions are so fully entrenched that you didn't really read what I wrote and filled in your own beliefs about what I believe instead.

I have family that hunts. I have no urge to take away their guns. They enjoy it. It's not for me, I prefer to get my meat the natural way, fully dressed, butchered and wrapped in saran wrap. But they hunt. I have no issue with that. They also don't use high capacity magazines and shoot round after round of bullets in to the animal because it would ruin the meat.

I have friends and family that live in rural settings. I live a mile away from a Sheriff's office. They are 20 minutes at least from help if they call. And they feel the need to protect themselves. Wild animals of the four and two legged variety. My grandfather had a rifle for this very purpose. I see the logic in that. And most of them also hunt. So they have guns for that as well.

My father-in-law was a prosecutor and my mother-in-law worked as a psychiatric nurse for troubled teens. They decided it would be a good idea to have a gun in the house because they really did work against some bad guys. They also took other steps to protect themselves. Unlisted numbers. Careful about personal information. A variety of things, because that's what it takes to really be safe, looking at all the options. But they also had a gun. Which was locked up in a gun safe when we would come to visit with C when he was a baby. Not because I'm a bad parent who didn't watch over their child or because they were careless selfish people who shouldn't have been responsible for kids, which is what you read as comments when a child dies in a gun accident. But because kids are fast and sneaky and will find the things you don't want them to quicker than you ever thought possible. Any parent who has cleaned up a lipstick mess, or a baby powder mess, or a soap mess, knows this. So while we were there, or he was there with them without us, the gun was locked away where he couldn't get it. Absolutely no good for protection against anyone else. But the only safe place for it to be when a little one was present.

Do I think any of them don't have a right to have a gun? No. I don't. I understand why they want them. I understand why they feel better having them. But does that mean I don't think we need to do something about the easy access we have to guns? No. I do. I think we need to look at our laws and see what is working and what isn't. We need to have an honest debate where reasonable people who know there is a difference between types of guns are allowed to speak about reasonable controls. We already have some laws on what you can own, so why is this different? Because you want the cool boom stick so you can look like an action hero? Too fucking bad. I want all the money in the bank but the law says I can't just walk in and take it.

The bullshit line about gun laws meaning only criminals will have guns makes me roll my eyes. Criminals break laws, does this mean we shouldn't have any? Because I am pretty sure that's not what you mean. We have laws so we have an avenue to punish those that break them. If robbing banks were illegal only criminals would be bank robbers.

Nobody is taking all of your guns. There is no way a law would be passed allowing it. So stop freaking out over a make believe problem and start looking at what the real problems are. What will it take to change things? To make all of us feel safer?

Me? I'm a Second Amendment gal all the way. Well regulated. You want a gun. Okay. You have to be a certain age to own one. It must be registered. You must be licensed. You must renew your license every few years. It must be insured. You can't just give your gun to someone else. There has to be a transfer of title and it can only go to someone who is licensed to operate that particular type of gun. You want a concealed carry permit? Okay. You must show just cause as to why you should have one. Not just because you want one, but really why do you need one? And that's a whole additional level of testing and regulating. And if you want access to a gun then we are going to have to make sure you are mentally sound. There is a lot of discussion right now that mental health is the issue, not easy access to guns. Okay, that's fine and I think fair. I think anyone who does these sorts of crimes is insane. So part of being well regulated means you get screened when you get licensed.

A lot of these are already on the books. They should be enforced. Stop with the loopholes. And if you break the law you go to jail. Your right to own a gun is gone. Forever. Will it fix the problem overnight? No. There is no answer that will fix our problems overnight. But start with something.

And if you want to shoot a more powerful gun with a bigger clip, join the Army. Though they are going to screen you for mental health issues as well. It's part of being well regulated after all.

Write this down...

"Oh my God, did you see this story on my wall?"

Grace handed her phone over to Jill to read.

As Jill read the first lines of the post she looked down to check how many people had clicked share from Grace's post and smiled.

"Six people have shared this story. This is awesome!"

"That people are sharing it? Why is that the awesome part, you haven't even read the whole story yet, it's so moving. You have to read the whole thing. I totally cried."

"I don't have to read it, I wrote it."

"You wrote it? It's about a boy and his dog. You don't have a dog and you aren't a boy. What do you mean you wrote it?"

"I wrote it. You don't have to have a dog to write about having a dog."

"But this isn't a fiction piece, this is an essay. This guy had a dog when he was little and the dog saved him from a snake and the boy thought the dog had run away but..."

"When he was older he had an accident on his motorcycle the dog came back out of the desert and barked until someone heard and came to rescue him. I told you, I know. I wrote it. I wasn't really sure if it would work or not. It seemed like it might be a little too, I don't know, improbable, but people love stories about dogs so I've found I can get away with a little more in them."

"You mean you write other things like this?" Grace was starting to think her friend Jill wasn't kidding and she actually had written the story about the boy and his dog.

"Yes, I told you I was a copywriter, what did you think I meant?"

"I thought you worked in advertising or something!"

"I do. Sort of. Marketing really. I write stories that move you, you share them, other people read them and share them. Out of everyone who shares them maybe a third go back to the website the story started on and like the page. More likes means more advertisers for the site. More shares means more likes. More likes means a bigger bonus for me and a higher price for my next piece. Last year my most shared story went out over a million times and was attributed to Thomas Jefferson, Einstein and Morgan Freeman!"

"What?" Now Grace was even more confused.

"Oh, that's when you know you've written something really good.  When you see it reposted somewhere with a famous person's name attached to it. Screen shots of those  got me a big enough bonus to pay for my trip to Hawaii."

"Okay, wait, so you write stories like this for Facebook?"

"Well, now for Facebook, my first story was actually in HiLights magazine when I was a kid. But Facebook has been a huge boon to my industry. Or at least my sub-specialty. I write sad-tivotional things. Sad but moving. Things that make you cry when you read them. Animal stories are really good for that though a good military homecoming works as well. Though you have to be really careful with those because the anti group loves to post on those that they are fake. Drives me crazy."

"But they are fake!"

"No, they aren't fake. They are real. I wrote them. They are real stories. The emotions are real, what you feel is real."

"But the people aren't real! Isn't this super cynical?"

"No, I was never really good at the cynical stuff. Which turned out good for me in the end. Before the internet the cynical stuff was a big seller. Letters to the editor, stories for kids to pass around on playgrounds, bar stories, those were big sellers, but it turns out that everyone online thinks they can write cynical so they sort of glutted the market with the amateur stuff. Every once in awhile I will run across a piece of pure cynicism and know one of ours wrote it, but not as much anymore."

"That's not what I meant, and what do you mean one of ours? Do you all work for the same people? What the hell, Jill?"

"I think most of us work for one or two companies. I work for Aesop's. They've been around for ages, but there are some that are older than them. Aesop always liked the animal stories though so it was a good fit for me. But in this day and age they can't talk, they have to be heroic without seeming too much like people. It's a fine line. Parables are tough. Each generation takes their lessons from different places and you have to go with the flow, you know? In today's day and age you have to watch out for stories that are too good to be true. Pics or it didn't happen right? Water to wine wouldn't fly today unless there was a chemist on site to verify."

"Water to wine? Are you saying that someone like you wrote that?"

"Oh, Grace, now who is being cynical?"

"You didn't really answer me."

"But it doesn't matter, that's my point. The story about the boy and his dog? You read it, it moved you, you thought it was lovely, you shared it. Other people read it, they were touched, they shared it. That's what's important. You were moved. You probably sent your brother a nice note or gave your dog an extra treat after you read it as well."

"Both, actually."

"See? That's my point. It's all real. Are you telling me you cried when Dumbledore died because you thought he was a real person? Or was he just real to you in that moment? When you go to a movie do you watch it thinking, 'I will like this less because it's fiction.' or do you just enjoy it for what it is?"

"But I thought this was a true story. Now it's not as moving. Now I will wonder if everything I am reading is fake. It won't be as special because it's not true."

"But what does it matter? If it moved you then who cares if it's true? You sound like an anti."

"What the hell is an anti?"

"My theory is they are all of the out of work cynic writers. They are the ones you see posting on a really cool photograph 'shopped' or in the comments of a wonderfully crafted story,'snopes says this never happened' I can't prove it but I am pretty sure snopes itself is run by antis. They are the bane of my existence. They can stop a sharing train right in its tracks. So freaking annoying. You spend all day working on a piece to get just the right balance between freaky cat and helpful cat and one of them ruins it!"

At that point Grace started to laugh. "Oh my God, you've totally been pulling my leg haven't you?"

Jill smiled at her friend, "Yeah, totally. Come on, I had you going for a minute though didn't I?"

"You did! I always fall for your stories!
 I have to go use the restroom, I'll be right back."

As Grace walked to the bathroom Jill checked her phone. The story was up to 12 shares just from Grace's page now. She signaled the bartender, "Next round is on  me!"

I resolve to....

You all know I don't generally do New Year's Resolutions. Spring, Birthday and Fall seem to be my biggest times for changes. This year though I am thinking about some changes and they will happen to line up with the new year so I guess they count.

You know I love my challenges. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I don't. Just now finishing up my third round of picture a day challenge. This last time I used a cued shot list from Fat Mum Slim. It's been interesting and a new way of looking at things. Different than the last two shot a day challenges I did where I could just take a picture of whatever struck my fancy. Now I still did a bit of that with the cued shot, I just had to get creative on how it fit the theme. She is doing lists for 2013 and I have looked but I think I will pass this year. 

The six month fit challenge from last year wasn't successful in a traditional way but I count it as a success because I did get a lesson out of it all. The lesson being that I am old. Okay, that's a little harsh, but the lesson was that I cannot push my body to do something beyond what it can do and expect good results. Because I am old. Wait, let me try that again. I'm not as young as I used to be and now I must be smarter about how I take care of myself. Moderation is even more important than it used to be. Swinging to extremes used to be something to test out, now it's something to avoid. It also was a good reminder for me to keep an out on my eating. Skinny bitch is there just waiting to pounce at any moment of weakness. I have to make sure I am not playing the "if I ate exactly my calories yesterday let's see if I can go half that today!" game. I also got back in to exercising on a more regular basis and so even if I'm not doing the crazy schedule I started with I am still more active than I was and that means a healthier me. Now this year I just have to keep repeating the "I don't need to lose weight, I just need to stay healthy" mantra.

Writing challenges are always a repeat on my cycle. Writing a new blog every day. Or every week. Writing a piece of fiction every week for you all to read. I go back to those again and again. And every time I do I think, this time it will stick and I will be more consistent with my writing! And I am...until I'm not. There are a lot of things I am still working out in my head with my writing. What do I want to do with it all? Should I do another push at getting something published? Should I self publish? Do I need to publish in any other format than this one or does this give me what I need? Money isn't a big motivator for me (obviously) and generally when something becomes actual work or a job I lose interest in it fairly quickly. I like to do things for the sake of doing them. And right now writing is firmly in that category. But I also like to have what I've written read. So publishing would push it towards that area more. I'm not sure yet. So I think I will do a few more challenges where writing is concerned and see what I discover.

Facebook. You all know I starting cutting back in August. And I have. Sort of. I am ready to cut back again though. I've noticed that if I log on in the morning then I will lose hours of my day. Brent says "Are you enjoying it?" and I am. So he says, "Then why change?" Well...because I think I am missing something. I'm not sure what just yet, but there are other things I want to do and they take time. So Facebook will get another time culling here in the new year. Which is why I won't be doing the 2013 picture challenge. One less excuse to "have to log on."

And here are some of the things I will fill my time with: 

More writing. You knew this was going to be on the list right? I am trying to work out in my head how to challenge myself to get a book done without the end game being getting it published and see how that goes. I have a collection of short stories I've been working on for years that I think will make a book. I just need to actually focus on them and get them done. Then there are two series on here that I've put out there for you all that I want to work on as well. See where they lead. So that's three fiction pieces that need time. Along with all of the other ideas that will pop in here and there, as they do. As well as the nonfiction things. I have a piece about politics/guns/critical thinking that I have been mulling in my head that needs to come out soon.

Cooking. I know right? This one is a shocker for us all but I want to cook more. I have fought it and fought it and fought it. But when I did the two week challenge last summer I actually enjoyed it, and I discovered that I would rather eat my own cooking than go out. Going out is just easy. So this is one that is going to take a shift in the way I run my life. Brent is fine with going to the grocery store so instead of feeling like I have to do this task on my own since I'm the housewife we will do it on the weekends just like when I was working outside the house. And then most days during the week he can have the car. I have what I need here at the house, my workout room is downstairs, my writing desk is right here, my kitchen will be stocked and if I need something the grocery store is within walking distance. So unless I have an errand I have to run he can drive and I will have time to cook. 

Working out. Still on the list. Just instead of twice a day 6 times a week we are looking at a good decent solid week being once a day 5 days a week. That's enough to keep my weight stable while I eat what I want and to keep my heart and brain healthy.

And the last thing I will be working on this year is deciding if I want to stay a housewife. I find myself thinking about going back to work more and more. I'm just not sure as what. I have a list of what I don't want to dos, but I really don't have a list of what I want to try nexts yet.  But with C's college loans coming due soon and thinking about selling this place and moving downtown it might just be time to close out the stay at home mom who stayed at home when her kid left challenge. Maybe. Or who knows, once I get in to the full swing of more writing and cooking I might decide I don't want to change a thing...

Yeah, right.....

Dear Sears, I can see how this could be frustrating for you....

My dryer broke this past weekend. Stopped tumbling. You could push the buttons, the lights would come on but as far as functionality goes, that was out the window. I contacted Sears to do the repairs. It's a Kenmore, we bought it there, it seemed logical that the repair would be easiest through them. Of course it was going to be a few days before they could get a technician out, that's the way it goes. So yesterday was my day. My window was from 8-12. Don't you love how we've all been trained that a 4 hour window is reasonable?

Anyway, I considered myself lucky because the repairman showed shortly after 11. He diagnosed the problem as two blown fuses which he happened to have in his truck and he fixed it right up. The entire time he was in the house was less than a half hour. I was thrilled, for one load of laundry. Then the dryer stopped heating. Still tumbling so I was ahead of where I was this weekend, but a dryer without heat is pretty worthless.  So I called the "call this number if you have any problems, it's been a pleasure helping you" number that Ahmed showed me on the receipt as he was leaving.

So I call and a nice phone operator from someplace else answered. Oh she is very sorry for my inconvenience and she understands how frustrating this could be for me. She will get a hold of the local dispatcher who will call me back. If they cannot get to me today then tomorrow might be the soonest. Fine. Just need to get it working again. Thank you for your help.  I hang up and wait for that call from the local dispatcher. Two hours later I call back. I get another very nice phone operator who apologizes for my inconvenience and understands my frustration. They will get someone local back to me right away. Thank you for being a valued customer. 

So THIS MORNING I call again. And again I get someone far far away. This time I say I want to talk to someone local now. Well, they can't do that but they will have someone call me. And they understand my frustration. So I go to their chat with a service rep function on their website. I had tried this last night but got nothing but "no service representatives are available, please try again later" Today I got someone. AH HA! Finally someone at a computer who can fix my issue. Guess what? He's very sorry for my inconvenience and understands how frustrated I must be. He pulls up my records and can schedule a follow up visit. In two weeks. TWO WEEKS.  I typed, without the extra words I said in my head, Are you kidding me? This is a second visit for a repair mistake that was done. Oh he understands how frustrating it can be to be without a dryer but that's the best they can do. I told him it was unacceptable and that I would be terminating my relationship with Sears at this point and would be telling everyone I know about my experience. His response? Sorry for your frustration. If you contact us later we cannot guarantee this appointment will still be available so would you like to go ahead and book it. I politely typed no and signed off of chat.

Then I went and checked their Facebook page, just for kicks. Every customer complaint is greeted with an apology and how they understand the frustration.Sears, I have a few words of advice for you, and for any other retail customer service oriented company out there, saying that I am a valued customer and that you understand my frustration is not the same as treating me as such.  Ignoring me, not calling me back, not dealing with the issue in a timely manner. All of those things show me that I am in fact not a valued customer. Giving your employees a script to follow (apologize, let the customer know you understand their frustration) is worthless if there is no service behind the words. 

And I understand your frustration now that I am no longer a customer at all. And I am sorry that I will be telling everyone I see why I am no longer a customer and suggesting they do the same. Signed Former Sears Customer who is BEYOND frustrated! 

Champagne Wishes and Caviar Dreams....

Previously on...

Janine opened the door to the bathroom, "I'm leaving you some fresh towels and one of my robes you can wear when you are done showering. I'm getting a glass of wine, did you want one or did you just want me to wring a glass out of your dress?"

"Very very funny! I will take the wine, thank you. Be out soon."

Lori had been at the anniversary party of her ex-boyfriend Zach's parents. Janine had wanted to come along but the invitation was Lori only, no plus one, so she had been stuck waiting to hear all about it when Lori was finished for the evening. The original plan had been to meet for drinks after the event but Lori sent her a text earlier asking if she could just come over and said Janine would understand why when she got there. Fifteen minutes ago she had opened her door to find her friend Lori looking like a drowned rat and reeking of champagne. "I'll tell you all about it as soon as I get cleaned up. Can I borrow some sweats or something and your shower?" Since then Janine had cleaned up the trail of booze from her front door to her bathroom and gotten ready to hear what was bound to be a doozy of a story. 

Lori came out of the bathroom drying her hair. She took one look at the smile on her friend's face and just started laughing. "If it hadn't happened to me, I wouldn't believe it!"

"Okay, details, details."

Lori settled down on the couch ready to tell Janine about her evening.  Where to even begin on what had to be one of the weirdest nights of her life?

"Okay, so you know I was debating even going and especially when I found out the invitation was just for me and I couldn't even bring a support friend I had my doubts. But Trish and Al have been so good to me and I know they really did want me there and...."

"...and you couldn't let Cassie think that hiding your invitation was okay."

"Well, yes, that too." Lori had to admit that not going would have been a much easier decision to make if it hadn't been for Cassie trying to prevent her from going. She knew that was childish, but it didn't change that's how she felt.

"So I got there and I planned on not staying too long. Just long enough to be respectful of Trish and Al and give them my best wishes, maybe hear a toast or two and then I was going to make my exit. So I am talking to Trish and she is gesturing at someone frantically but trying to hide it from me, like she doesn't want to be obvious that she is doing it. And over walks this guy that looks sort of familiar but I can't really place him. And she tells me, 'Lori, you remember Sam don't you? Sam is my friend Adrianne's son, I believe you met once at the lake house. He's recently moved back to the city.'"

"No!"

"Yes! The reason why my invitation wasn't a plus one was because Trish had plans to fix me up with her friend's son! The mother of my ex-boyfriend is trying to fix me up with the son of her friend at her anniversary party! She sent Sam to go get us both a drink and leans in to tell me all about Sam's good points. He has a good job, he comes from a good family, he doesn't want to get married right now. I couldn't believe it! My mouth must have been hanging open because then she says to me, 'It's been six months, Lori, just because you and Zach didn't work out doesn't mean I don't want you to be happy. And as soon as Zach sees the light with that girl I will find someone for him to be happy with as well. You are going to be part of my family forever, even if it's not by being married to my son.' Which was so sweet to say, and so weird to hear!"

"She really is a lovely woman. But really? Fixing you up without warning you?"

"Which is what I said and then she pointed out that if I knew it was a fix up I wouldn't have come, which is true. And being the mom she is she told me that Sam didn't know anything about the set up and that I needed to be polite and not take it out on him. And then she left me there with him as soon as he got back with the drinks."

"Oh how awkward."

"You would think so right? But it turns out he is really funny and nice and she was right we totally hit it off. And it helped that he admitted right away that he knew it was a fix-up and that it was a little odd to him that Trish would try and set him up with Zach's ex-girlfriend but that he remembered me from the lake house visit and decided it might not be that weird after all."

"Smooth."

"Yeah, I know, it was pure flattery but it worked. So anyway, as we were talking Zach and Cassie arrive. Zach went over to hug his mother and while he was doing that Cassie notices me there. The look on her face went from pleasant to pissed back to pleasant in 3.5 seconds. If you hadn't been looking you would have missed it completely. Sam leans over to me and says, 'I'm going to go out on a limb and say she's not your biggest fan.' I had to laugh. So they come over to us to say hello."

"Oh no."

"Oh yes. Zach and Sam are friends and have been for years, so it's the whole, Hey buddy, didn't know you were in town we should get together and do manly adventure things and let me introduce you to my girlfriend Cassie. Which made her beam at me instead of looking at Sam so she missed his hand for the handshake and ended up sort of poking him in the stomach."

"Oh my god! Seriously? How funny is that?"

"Well I thought so, but apparently she did not. I got the death glare when I laughed at Sam's exaggerated Ooof! And Zach who hadn't been looking at Sam and Cassie's missed handshake had no idea what was going on at all. He just knew it wasn't going well so he made his excuses and took Cassie off to meet more people at the party. Which was then Al's cue to come check on Sam and me."

"Poor Al."

"Yep, poor guy. You know he had no idea that Trish was going to try and set Sam and I up and that the awkwardness between Trish and Cassie and Cassie and me was just almost too much for him. So anyway he comes over and shakes Sam's hand and gives me a hug and a kiss and asks how we are and all of that. Then Cassie practically drags Sam back over to see him and goes in for a hug of her own from Al. Which would have been fine if he had been paying attention instead of turning to look for Trish so Cassie's hug ended up looking like a lunge."

Janine tried not to laugh but there was nothing else really to do. "Oh gosh, it just gets worse for her doesn't it?"

"Oh yes, and here is the part that sealed her night I am sure. After she missed the lunge/hug attempt and before she and Zach could walk away his Aunt Doris came over to say hello. Now apparently Aunt Doris hadn't been informed when Zach and I split. So she starts in on how lovely it is to see us and what a great couple we are and how wonderful it is for us to see the example his parents have set for a long healthy relationship, then she turns to Sam and asks him to introduce his date, pointing at Cassie."

"She didn't!"

"She did. And Zach was too stunned to say anything so Sam introduced her to Cassie! Then she wandered back off to visit with the rest of the crowd!"

"Zach didn't clarify that Cassie was his date not you? Oh that's not going to go well for him."

"Not at all. Cassie stormed off in a huff, Sam apologized to Zach but said he felt like someone should say something to Doris. Zach apologized to Sam for putting him in that spot, told me it was nice to see me and then ran after Cassie to try and smooth things over. Which I thought he had, because a few minutes later they were back in the ballroom and she looked pacified."

"I take it she wasn't really?"

"No, not really. Every time I looked up it seemed like she was glaring at me. So I decided that I had had enough oddness for the evening and I had made a long enough appearance to be respectful of Trish and Al. Also it seemed like I needed to get out of there if there were any shot of Zach and Cassie having a good time. So I went to Trish and Al to make my goodbyes and tell them congratulations and all of that good stuff.  Sam offered to get me my coat from coat check so I went and waited in the hallway for him. So while I am out there I am watching them set up the ballroom next to Trish and Al's party for a wedding reception. I thought it was a really nice thing to have a new marriage being celebrated next to a marriage of 40 Years so I was smiling to myself. That's when Cassie walked up."

"Here were go."

"Oh yes, she was smiling but it was one of those painted on grins that almost looked painful. I said, 'Cassie, you look lovely tonight. I hope you are enjoying the party.' I was trying to be nice and think What Would Trish Do? And she drops her smile and tells me that she knows I showed up to try and make her look foolish. And that she knows Zach and I went for coffee and that I am trying to steal him back. I told her that I was glad she knew we went for coffee and that it wasn't really a big deal and that I wasn't trying to win him back at all. That I was at the party because Trish had invited me. And then she messed up. She told me that she knew I had crashed because there was no way I got an invitation."

"Uh oh."

"Yep. So then I look at her and ask why she would think that. My invitation had been delayed, but I had received it in time. I described it to her. The design, the RSVP card and asked again why she was so sure I hadn't gotten one. Did she think it had gotten lost with a little help? That's when she realized she was busted. I looked at her and said, 'He didn't tell you he found it did he? Tucked up under the couch cushion? And the funny thing is, Cassie, if you had let him mail it in the first place I probably wouldn't have come.' That's when she lost her freaking mind. She pushed me!"

"Seriously?"

"Oh yeah, pushed me and I lost my balance and fell right in to the champagne fountain they were wheeling in to the wedding reception."

Janine burst out laughing. "Oh my gosh, sorry, I just...oh my gosh I can so picture it!"

Lori laughed as well. "It was like slow motion. She pushed me I stepped back and stepped on one of the caterer's feet and then lost my balance completely and fell right in to the fountain.  Knocked it right over. Champagne went everywhere, I was soaked, the floor was soaked. And you know what? It's wasn't a stack of glasses like you would think, they are all stuck together with like glue or something. It's a giant plastic piece. I never knew that."

"Only you would notice things like that after you had been shoved in to a fountain!"

"I know, I know but that was kind of cool. And what was I going to do at that point shove her back and end up in a soap opera cat fight? Anyway Sam saw the whole thing. He had come back out with my coat and saw her shove  me and came over to help me up. He looked at her and said, 'Go back to the party, Cassie. And you should probably figure out what you are telling Zach since at least three ladies over there by the restroom saw everything and the gossip should be all over the ballroom in just a few minutes.' Then he asked the caterer if they had any extra towels I could use and walked me out to my car and put the towels down on my seat so I didn't soak my car and asked me if I wanted to go get dinner next week."

"After all of that?"

"After all of that. And that's how I came to be on your doorstep soaked in champagne. Cheers!" Lori held her glass out to Janine.

"Cheers to the best party story I've ever heard!"

Just then Lori's phone started to ring. She looked down at the caller ID and switched it to silent. "It's Zach. I need to finish drinking this glass and maybe a few more before I take that call."

"Maybe tomorrow."

"Maybe. Or Monday at the latest."

Lost and found...

Part 1

Part 2

While Janine was in the kitchen getting the bottle of wine she heard Lori's phone ring. Since they hadn't really gotten going on the drinking she decided to let her answer it instead of confiscating it as she had promised her friend earlier. She came back in to the living room and caught Lori's eye as she mouthed OH MY GOD at her and then IT'S ZACH.  Well this is going to be interesting.

Janine wandered back in to the kitchen so she wouldn't be tempted to try and eaves drop on Lori's conversation. No need to eaves drop on the half she could hear when she knew Lori would spill all of the details as soon as she hung up anyway. Which didn't take long.

"OH MY GOD! You aren't going to believe this!" Came the shout from the living room.

Janine came back out with the bottle again and refilled their glasses, "Can't wait to hear what was so important he called so soon!"

"So, it seems like our visit bothered him a little."

"He told you he was stressed out over your meeting?"

"Not in so many words. You know he stress cleans right? When he is really thinking hard about something he just tears the house apart cleaning everything. I used to say I didn't Spring Clean I just picked a fight with Zach and let him handle it. Anyway...seems like after we met he went home and started cleaning. And when he took the cushions off of the couch to vacuum guess what he found?"

"The picture from the cruise?"

"No, though that would have been a good one as well. He found my invitation to his parent's party. It had been tucked up under the cushion."

"Oh so it didn't get lost, it just fell out while he was working on them?"

"That's what I said, and he said it couldn't have happened that way. That he was responsible for mailing them and had them all at the house to put stamps on them, which he did, at the kitchen table, then he left them on the key table by the front door to take them in to mail them. They were never near the couch. The only way it could have gotten under the cushion is if someone put it there."

"Cassie..."

"Yep, that's what he thinks. He thinks Cassie saw it in the box, or went looking for it, and when she found it she stashed it thinking she would go back for it later and either forgot it was there or she hasn't had a chance to sneak it back out yet."

"Oh my god..."

"I know right?"

"I'm kind of surprised he told you about it."

"Me too. I think he just meant to tell me he found the invitation and then all of the rest just sort of spilled out. So he dropped it in the mail and it's on its way. Now I have to decide what to do about it when it comes."

"Does this change your mind? What do you think?"

"Well, I had pretty much decided that I wouldn't go, but how dare she take the choice away from me? And from Trish and Al? And even from Zach? So I am sort of thinking now that I will go. Maybe just for a little bit anyway. What do you think?"

"It could be tense. It could be really awkward. But I guess I just need to know one thing."

"What?"

"Can I be your plus one?"