Numbers...

It's funny, now that I've decided to go back to attaching numbers to everything the storm in my brain has quieted and I cannot decide what the numbers should be.

Do I just hit repeat on last year? With the first quarter adjusted, of course. Or do I do my math wizardry and come up with something new and fancy? Or do I just try and see if all I needed was saying that it's okay to want those numbers but I don't have to set them?

And what is it like to have a normal brain?

Honestly, it's so weird.

The buzz that was constant about not liking not having goals just stopped as soon as I gave in and said, okay fine, it's silly but apparently I need this. But the buzz stopped before I actually took care of it. 

Did I just maybe later my own head?

Like my parents were the pros at maybe later or maybe someday. It's not quite a lie. Maybe we will go on vacation to Disney World. What they knew what that we most likely, like 99.99%, wouldn't, but my little brain was tuned in to that maybe and would be satisfied that maybe we would. I'd go off and start planning whatever thing it was that they had maybe latered me on and would stop bugging them. 

When I was older I swore I wouldn't do that any kid of mine. I'd be honest and say no if the answer was no. I hated that I spent time thinking different things would happen that absolutely were not going to. And I know that some of the things they maybed, or somedayed, me on didn't happen because other shit happened. I didn't get the stereo system Dad told me about because that money ended up being used to go get Susan from Colorado for instance. As a 14 year old all it did was make me mad when I connected the dots between the missing stereo and the reappearing sister, but when I got older I understood. I just wished they would have told me.

So I swore I would always just tell Katie. 

Which, of course, backfired in its own way. We didn't have a lot of money when she was younger. It was probably not until she was in high school that we ever had a cushion. But because she knew we were looking at edges and margins and needing to afford a lot of the extras to do with her education, she didn't ask for things that she wanted to do.

Which I get it, I did that as well, I knew growing up that any school activity that came with an activity fee, or uniform cost, or travel expenses was out of the question. I just wish she had asked for things and let us decide if they were things we could afford or not afford. You make changes to how you raise your kids to counteract the things that annoyed you about how you were raised and end up annoying them in different ways. 

Oh well. What's done is done and since she's not having kids she doesn't have to worry about passing along any annoying child rearing things to them. 

But anyway...now I have to wonder if my brain has quieted down because I maybe somedayed my goal numbers. I'll think about it. Maybe later. We'll see...