So when we last left off I had listed a lot of the ways what we had planned did not pan out. The resort was incredibly crowded, the weather was temperamental, and physically I was just not ready.
And that last part really got to me about halfway through our stay.
I knew that physically I was not where I normally am. It's been over a year now of injury, illness, rest, recovery, rinse, repeat. And I've pretty much made peace with it. At home. I know where I am limited. I also know the progress I've made over the past few months. But we hadn't been to Hawaii in two years and the last time we were there I was healthy and fine.
I sort of view it like other people's children. You are always so shocked at how they've grown and changed. Even though yours is doing the exact same thing. But since you see your kids every day you don't notice the changes as much. They are gradual. You adapt. But then you see someone who you haven't see in a year and BAM! what the heck happened here?
That was me in Hawaii. I did some pre-limiting things before we ever left. No kayaking. That was out right away. I knew I wouldn't be able to swing that, and heaven forfend if it was windy, we'd have just been stuck. I took out the open ocean boat boarding because Brent was worried. And my elbow was really tender when we first got there (I think I must have lifted my suitcase with my left hand not thinking about it) so it was the absolute right call.
But...just the walking and the fighting the surf when we were in the water and my balance. Oh my goodness...my balance.
Now, I'm not to the stage of if grandma falls this is the beginning of the end, but I can totally see the cascade of issues and how they've affected a lot more than I realized. And the balance was a big part. Because I'm not in as good of shape as I normally am I had a really hard time keeping my balance on the rocks, in the narrow spaces on the plane, testing if I was losing my damn mind or if my balance was really off. All of it.
Which makes some sense. Because I'm not working out at the level I was I haven't been doing a lot that challenges my core like that. Physical therapy is done sitting down, mostly, so I can really concentrate on my arm and making sure I'm moving just the parts that they want me to move. No weight lifting means not engaged everything and keeping a solid foundation during lifts. It all added up and I got kind of wobbly on my pins.
And all of it added up to me feeling old. I hate that. I'm only 55. I get that I'm older than I was, but I intend to live to 100 so I've got a long way to go. It's happened before, the feeling old, also during stretches of not great health, but to happen in Hawaii seemed like a giant betrayal.
So Tuesday we were walking along the beach path and Brent asked how my thinking was going. I told him not great. Then I had to correct myself. See I was planning on coming home from Hawaii with some clarity and some plans about things, I felt like I needed to change something. But...I was also hoping that what was really going to happen is we would get to Hawaii and my clarity would be, everything is fine. This is fine. It's all good. But that was not what was happening. What was happening is that I was getting more and more reinforcement that something, a lot of somethings, need to change.
I'm tired of spending most of my time just managing. Managing my health. Managing the house. Managing my life. I really need to find a way to get back to living it.
Which I know is hard to explain the difference. And it really looks similar. I mean working out, taking care of the house, writing, those are all managing my life. But also living it. I need to reconnect to the progress part. The being and moving forward instead of treading water.
Then came the dreaded photographer on the cruise to Lanai. Full body shots and a couple of candid shots.
People, when I say I was not ready, I was not ready.
I knew I was heavier than I have been. See the lack of physical fitness. And I knew my eating had slipped, I mean I've been going to purge sugar again for ages...but...I had convinced myself that I didn't really look that different. Not really. Sure I'm heavier than I have been, and sure I'm not a fan of restrictive clothes, and how in the world did so many of my clothes become restrictive but...
So I don't feel great. I don't look great. I don't move well. I can't do what I want. I can't do what we had planned. This sucks right?
But it didn't. I mean, yeah, I am going to make some changes now that we are home to try and regain my fitness and lose some of what I have gained. I'm going to make some changes in how I'm engaging with the world. Those things need to happen. But Hawaii was still wonderful.
When we were out on Wednesday on the day long cruise we were talking to Turtle (he's one of the captains for Trilogy, we've been out with him 3 or 4 times, he's been sailing with them for over 20 years) we were talking about the weather. We had heard that as windy and choppy as it had been that week, the week before had been crazy bad. He said it was some of the worst he's been through then motioned to one of the giant windows in the cabin of the boat. Or what should have been a giant window but was now a bolted on covering. One of the deck tables had blown off the ship, straight into the air, then crashed into the window. The deck tables are BOLTED on.
Forty to sixty mile per hour winds sheering down the hillside by the marina. Which it's always more windy right there (if you've ever been to Maui or seen pictures it's where the long line of windmills are) but not like that. They had to get clever on sailing paths to get in and out of port. Once they were out, it was manageable, still rough and ready rocking, but they can handle it. More dramamine and ginger chews used than normal, but okay.
I could never have handled any of the cruises if the wind had been like that when we were there. A few years ago when I started getting sea sick I thought we would have to hang up any of the cruises we do, but I've found a way to navigate (so to speak) and do okay. Dramamine, sea bands, don't go in the cabin if I can help it, and don't look behind us, and be prepared to not get my land legs completely back for a few weeks even after a short amount of time on the water. (which didn't/doesn't help the balance issues!) But if it's rough seas I still can feel the queasy starting before we get into port. If it had been super windy I would have had to cancel each of our cruises. As it was I did okay. Eventually I'll even be able to close my eyes and not feel the rocking.
We had a great lanai in our room. Perfect ocean views. Binoculars to zoom in on the dozens of whales we saw each day just from the hotel. We had access to private spaces to relax and grab something drink or snack on. Out of the wind, out of the sun, beautiful views out of the floor to ceiling windows.
We enjoy each other's company. We like being together. Talking, reading, watching sports, just hanging out. Our energy generally matches, we're both pretty low key. We aren't arguing over what to do because we enjoy the same things. And unlike two years ago when we were there and Brent realized he needed to change jobs because he couldn't disengage the entire week, this year he was actually between positions. He left one on the Wednesday before we left and started a new one yesterday. So he got a complete break. Nothing to worry about because he had no idea what his new job's worries are.
It was really lovely.
It was not the trip we had planned or expected but it was still wonderful.
It's still Hawaii.
Now I just need to think about what and how I want to change things. Thinking April first is a good start date. Gives me a week to sort out what I really want to prioritize. Gives me a week to stop thinking I really do need to lose about 50 pounds and my life will be all good. Also gives a good clean starting point. New month, new day, new quarter. I like tidiness like that.
So prepare for the next few days to read about things I'm thinking about and then thinking to yourself, isn't this just normal Denise stuff? To which I will say, yes, of course, I'm awesome but also no, this is totally different because.... reasons.
So did I get out of the trip what I wanted?
Yeah. Totally. I wanted to figure some stuff out. And now I'm on the path.
Do I want to repeat this version of a Hawaii trip again?
No. No I do not.
But it was still Hawaii. And that never sucks.
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