A friend of mine posted a lovely gratitude meme for what you might not feel grateful for today. It was all about reframing your perspective and being grateful for the mess your kids make, because they are healthy kids able to make a mess, being grateful for the dishes you have to wash and food you have to cook, because you have food to eat. It was really lovely.
And of course I had to shit on it.
Because I absolutely hate that nonsense. It's like a sideways guilt trip.
Oh you can't be mad that your kid just slimed the walls right after you spent all day getting the house clean. You have to feel grateful that you have a kid.
You can't be bored out of your fucking mind that you have to cook AGAIN and clean up AGAIN knowing full well you will have to do it all over and over because people insist on eating every damn day. You have to instead be grateful that you have the food to make and that your kids aren't starving and that you have a kitchen to clean.
And I get it. I actively practice gratitude daily and a lot of times my daily gratitude is just exactly those basic things. I'm grateful for my house, for my kitchen, for food in the pantry. And I am grateful for my child and my spouse.
But...
If I'm bitching about something in my house going wrong. Or I'm complaining about having to cook. Or clean. Or whatever...do not come in and tell me I should be grateful for what I have. Right at that moment I'm upset. And you telling me that I should instead be grateful is negating my feelings. It's telling me that what I feel isn't valid. And worse than that it's implying I have no right to those feelings.
You have every right to all of the feelings.
It's a wonderful idea to stop and reframe things. When YOU want to. YOU get to do the reframing. But more often it's other people trying to force you into that reframing mindset.
I've bitched about it before. How angry I instantly get when I'm complaining about something and someone chimes in "first world problems." Well no shit. All of my problems are first world problems. That doesn't mean they aren't my problems. Don't try and dismiss what I'm feeling.
It's just so condescending.
And a lot of the time it's completely sexist as well. We don't tend to tell men that they aren't entitled to their feelings. We don't tell them, oh don't bitch about your bad golf game, most people can't afford to play golf. We just listen to them bitch. We, for sure, don't tell them just to smile. That nobody likes a frowny man. Their lives could be so much worse.
But women? We do it all the time. You can't bitch about your government deciding that you don't have body autonomy because you could live in some country where you have even fewer rights. You can never be upset about what is going on because there is always someone who has it worse.
Fuck that noise.
You can be upset. You can be ungrateful. You can piss and moan and stomp your goddamn feet if you want to. You can also decide to reframe and say I get to do these things instead of I have to. And I'm just glad my kids feel free enough to wreak havoc instead of being too anxious to ever let loose and have fun.
But that's your choice. You get to choose how you feel. No guilt or shame attached.
Gratitude and smiling not required.
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