All the Stars In Heaven...

I've got 7 days before I'm going to start the second quarter of the year with goals in place.

It's super interesting to me to look back and see how excited I was about having none this year. It was an idea that took shape around my birthday last year and then I went ahead and finished out the 2023 goals and went on to 2024 with confidence in my new idea. 

And promptly decided that I did not like it. 

It felt like being in a boat without a rudder. 

It gave me 2020 flashbacks. 

Which, I totally get, we were all off kilter in 2020 but the no goals thing for me is tied into that and now I've got PTSD feelings when I think about not having goals. 

So weird. 

I mean weird because I know it doesn't really make sense. I know that the things I will set up as goals are things that I do normally anyway. I read, I write, I work out, I take pictures, I do whatever it is I do. But if I'm just doing those things I feel like I'm not doing anything. It makes me anxious. But attach a number to it and BOOM! I'm good again. 

I'm sure it has to do with the way I was socialized. You had to work (and I don't), you should always try to be the best at what you are doing (and I'm not), you should always keep in mind that what you are doing is not for this world but for the reward of the next....

Oh. Wait. There it is. 

Growing up I was supposed to be the best at whatever I was doing and also know that the reward for that would come after I died. 

Holy shit. I replaced heaven with gold stars. 

Hunh. At least gold stars are real I guess?

Okay, I know for my believers out there, you hate when I talk about heaven as made up, but that's what I believe. 

I believe you should be the best version of yourself you can be because it's the right thing to do. But what I didn't really get was that the foundation for that was tied to a reward and so I just swapped out my rewards from something intangible to something tangible. 

Not for all of it. I mean, I don't think I should be kind because I set myself up for 10 acts of kindness this year. I think I should be kind because it's the right thing to do. Kindness makes a difference not just in my life but in the lives of those I am kind to, who might then choose to be kind to someone else. But because all of my childhood do the right thing was followed up with and you will be rewarded for it in heaven I have a do this then that feeling. 

Match that with the fact that I have rejected the work until you die, and always make sure you are the best in the room with stay at home and take care of things and be the best you in the room and don't worry about anyone else and I think my subconscious revolted and said BUT WHERE IS THE REWARD! I need that dopamine hit! If you aren't going to go to church 5 days a week and have someone tell you that you are earning gold stars on the heavenly star chart, bitch, you better get out a star chart here! I NEED THAT DOPAMINE HIT!

Or maybe not. 

Maybe it's just that we all like to be told good job. And if you aren't doing anything that gets that from the outside you have to do it for yourself. Nobody cares that I still try and read books by people different from me to expand my worldview. Nobody cares that I wipe down the baseboards so they don't get covered in gross dirt. Nobody cares if I come up with an exceptionally clever caption for a picture. Or even if I take a picture. But I still want that good job feedback. From me. 

Not working for a heavenly reward.
Not working for parental pats on the back.
Not working for a promotion or a pay raise.

After years and years of living a life that is my own, that I don't really care what anyone else thinks about it, I have to accept that I do care what someone thinks. And she holds the gold stars.