Leave It...

At the end of every workout in the series I am currently doing the trainer does this breathe and leave thing. 

You take a deep breath and then let go of something that is no longer serving you. Leave it on the treadmill. It's an interesting thought process. And one that makes me think of the experiment I did last year with the self help books. What would I have thought in my 20s vs. now?

And a lot of what she suggests as things to leave behind are things I don't carry anymore. Problems you tend to have as a young mother (which she is) or just a younger woman. And I could totally see that as being helpful to my younger self. I spent a lot of years figuring out how to let go of things that didn't serve me. 

And I mean, I still do. You all know I'm super self reflective and try to clear out attitudes and habits that don't serve me all of the time. 

So as she is cuing the deep breath for the breathe and leave portion I am thinking, what do I want to leave behind? What isn't serving me?

And honestly, the thing that keeps popping into my head is my body. My aging body to be specific. But that's not so easy. 

I was telling Brent about it, and about why I'm so frustrated right now. I have never in my life been more motivated to be in shape. To be fit. To be strong. Hell, I've even been jogging for goodness sake! But...I have had injury after injury for the past year? two years? Three?

I cannot get to a point where I'm perfectly healthy and healed and ready to go. 

And it's a vicious circle. I have this strong urge to be really fit because of how much aging has taken a toll. How easy it is to get injured. How hard it is to keep moving pain free. But because I'm aging I can't just push through things and ignore them. I've got to actually fix injuries, go to PT, be careful about movement. 

So while I was telling him about my frustration he said, "Well, yeah, you've had a little bit of a bad run..." and he trailed off. There should have been a but follow up but he didn't have one. Yeah, I've had a bad run. And...that's just what it is. 

AND...I get it. I am not nearly as bad off as a lot of people. I have a lot of little injuries and pains that keep me from doing everything I want. I have friends with health issues that keep them laid up in bed or on constant pain medication or waiting for surgery. I get it. I'm fine in the grand scale of things. 

But I'm still frustrated. 

And I'm allowed to be frustrated. 

So are you. 

Just because someone has it worse than you do, about anything, doesn't mean that you can't be frustrated about something in your own life. If it helps you to think of others that have it worse to put perspective on your problems, then okay do that, but if it only makes you feel like you are being selfish or spoiled, then don't. Because, again, it's okay to be frustrated with what looks like a small problem compared to someone else's bigger problem. 

It's the same reason why I always snap back at people who comment that something is a first world problem. Yeah, most of us only have first world problems because we live in the first world. So fuck off. 

So now I'm thinking about how to leave the frustration behind. How do I stop feeling like I just am not making the strides I want to? How do I change to feeling that I am doing the best I can right now and that's okay? Where is that attitude shift and how do I grab ahold of it? I haven't yet figured that part out, but it's what I started thinking about on Wednesday as she did her take a deep breath part. 

And then I got off the treadmill and promptly fell smack on my ass on the garage floor bruising my ego and my ass. 

For fuck's sake...

Deep breath. 

Breathe and leave. 

Yeah...sure.