Holding On to the Wagon...

I'm not falling off. I mean it's only the 4th but...

It's weird not having a number in my head I'm reaching toward. Have that nebulous thing going. Write more days than you don't. Okay, but what if I don't? I mean I don't have a goal to hit so what if I don't? Today is Thursday and I've written twice this week (this will be three) and I don't really have anything to say. I mean I don't want to talk about the news right now because it's all either way more complicated than people want to admit or just really icky depending on which stories you are following. Even the more complicated one is icky, really. 

So there is nothing to say. But I want to write more days than I don't, and I will be busy tomorrow so probably won't write and I need to work on a piece for Dana if I do sit down to write so that would be three days with no blog and that's kind of against the whole just do the things vibe I was going for. 

But again, what if I don't? It's not like there is a January number I'm aiming for. Or a 2024 number. So...

And books. I mean I've read two already and I'm reading two right now and I have 9 on hold so I should really put a push on to get through those because...I mean...because I have them. And I like to read but what if I don't? What if I just skip it for a few days. I mean, I don't have a number I'm trying to get to this month. Or a genre I need to pick up. So what if I just sat and stared at the wall instead?

It's weird is all. 

I'm so used to setting up numbers and having the first part of the year being staring at them thinking it's impossible and there is no way I should have set them so high but chunking along anyway. And my, not a goal, it's not a goal. My...ummm...experiment for this year is to see how I do without those numbers. What falls out? What do I just automatically do because I like to do it? And what happens if the answer is nothing? What if what I really like to do is absolutely nothing? 

And full disclosure, I'm really restless right now because I did something to my arm on Monday or Tuesday that made it super angry and so I've been doing a whole lot of nothing at all for the past few days. Just resting my arm. The house really needs to be cleaned. Like desperately. Dusting and vacuuming and getting it ready for company to sleep on the cats beds...I mean the guest beds. And I'm not doing anything that involves moving my elbow. 

So it feels like everything is spiralling into me joining the couch as one being but that's not really what's going on. What's happening is it's the 4th of January. My arm hurts. And I'm figuring out what this year looks like. And if it includes rehabbing that arm FOR FUCKING EVER. Or up to a year like the physical therapist said it might take. 

Yeah, a year. The whole reason I got the injection was to avoid that crazy long recovery. (It can actually take up to two!) but when he discovered the tear instead of just a strain it reset the recovery clock and pushed it back into the insane amount of time. And as I mentioned earlier if I'm not really careful it lets me know and I have to stop doing anything at all. But I still haven't really adjusted my mindset from get the injection and be better in 12 weeks instead of 18 months to oh no, just kidding get the injection and be better next year some time. 

So I'm not falling off the wagon. I'm really not. But I'm a little antsy that the wagon is leaving me behind while I sit on the bench watching it go...

But it's only the 4th. And it's fine. Really.