Sort it Out...

I am in the process of updating my look. I've talked about it before here and there. It's been a process. A decade long one really. Or a decade plus.

See when I was in advertising I dressed up a bit more. Office wear. Even though after Jack sold the agency the dress code relaxed. A lot. I could, and did, wear jeans to work if I wasn't going to be seeing clients that day. But if I was seeing clients it was dresses, skirts, dress pants, jackets. A stepped up look. 

When I left advertising and went into massage therapy I created a uniform for myself. One, it helped brand my business if I was working at a health fair or out on a call. Two, it sort of worked as a way to get in the right headspace. It was super simple, bootcut yoga pants and polo shirts I had made with my logo on them.  

Then I sort of fell into just jeans and sweaters or jeans and t-shirts. I would look at dresses or skirts and talk myself out of them because I didn't really have anywhere to wear them. Brent would say, you can wear them anywhere. But don't be ridiculous...

Then the pandemic hit and it was soft clothes for over a year. We didn't leave the house really so why bother putting on anything structured? It was like the thing a lot of us did for ourselves to make it not seem as bad. Sure, we're all just stuck here in our houses, but we get to wear comfy stuff all the time. 

As we started to transition out of that I remembered how uncomfortable jeans are. At least for me. From my knees to the top of my hips I'm wider than most jeans are cut and my waist is smaller than most. So I'm constantly tugging at my jeans. To fit my hips they are too loose in the waist. And because they are tight around my thighs but not my knees as I walk they kind of slide down. I have found a few brands and styles that are better than others but I'm still yanking up my jeans constantly, but can't go down a size or they wouldn't fit over my hips to zip up. 

I've talked about discovering Snag tights and how wonderfully comfortable they are. I finally figured out why they are so much better than the tights and fishies I wore when I was in advertising. They aren't control top.  See, when I was in advertising everything I wore was control top or compression. Fit but look smaller. Suck it in, smooth it out, firm it up! (I was not any bigger than I am now, in fact I was smaller, but I hadn't yet made that body shift)

So, the Snags and skirts and dresses are comfortable. Why not listen to Brent and just wear what I want and who cares if I "have anywhere to go?'" Though, I will say, when I first started doing it he would say, "You're awfully dressed up." Dude...don't make me feel self conscious about this after years of saying don't feel self conscious about this. He's made the switch to "You look nice." Which works for me. 

But what has happened is as I've been searching for new clothes and buying things here and there I lost control of my closet. Like I have all of these random pieces but what goes with what? What works together? Do I have things that work together? I found myself reaching for the same three or four pieces over and over again just because I knew they would work. Time to sort it all out. 

This morning I spent a few hours, yes hours, pulling everything out and trying it all on. Putting some things together and seeing how they looked. Figuring out what I need to add and what I have plenty of.  The good news is everything fit. Absolutely everything that I pulled out and tried on fit. That's a big deal for me. I hadn't bought anything "for later when I lose five or ten pounds" and I haven't kept anything "just incase I gain ten or twenty pounds." Everything I touched fit. And I liked most of it. There were a few pieces that have just run their course. I've had them for a long time and they aren't as crisp as they used to be, or they are worn out (I keep my clothes for DECADES) or they were just a style that I don't really wear anymore. They were fine, but not my favorite. All in all I think I pulled out about 6 things to get rid of. 

And I realized my wardrobe right now is mostly split between really girly dresses and skirts and super casual jeans and t-shirts. Not a ton of middle ground, though I do have a few soft pants for house lounging still. And I think that's how it's going to stay. Some days jeans are just more practical. Most of the time when we head to sporting events I will want jeans to wear. Though I did wear a skirt to a hockey game last month and with the woolie tights I was plenty warm enough so...

BUT...It's a split. 

And as I tried on things and looked at what I bought and when, I realized that having a trans daughter had given me permission to embrace my girlier side. Weird right? Like I'm cisgendered. I'm AFAB and still totally fab. You wouldn't think the dresses and skirts would have ever been an issue, right? But in a lot of ways they don't really fit my personality. I'm not super girly. I don't care for chick flicks or the color pink or romantic shit. It's almost a joke at how hyper feminine the shape of my body is with how not hyper feminine the shape of my brain is. But...when I was helping look at clothes for Katie as she has been figuring out her personal style I found myself drawn to a lot of the dresses and skirts. They were really cute. There were a few times last summer I would send a link to a dress to Katie to see if she liked it and I would also buy one for me. 

Looking at things with fresh eyes for her style made me see them differently for myself as well. I always preach against the binary and why are we expected to fall into this or that instead of yes and...and yet here I had gone and this or that-ed my wardrobe into a binary choice. I'm not super girly so I don't wear that. Well why the fuck not? It's comfortable, I look really cute in it. Why not both? Why not have my dresses and skirts and also my jeans and sports team t-shirts? 

I think at 54 I'm finally starting to get my head wrapped around what I actually like being okay to like. That I don't need to fit into some sort of weird "this is appropriate for that" sort of box. A box I made myself, with societies help, to be fair, but still one I created for myself. So now I can take that box fill it with all of the rules I've made around what I can and cannot wear and send it to the trash.

It's a nice feeling.

So expect to see me in swing dresses and wiggle skirts and jeans and t-shirts and sometimes soft clothes and just know whatever it is, it fits. It fits that day. It fits that mood. It fits me.

About fucking time.