Permission...

Grief is weird. 

I've talked about it a lot over the past few years. There has been a lot to grieve. Personally and as a society. And we all grieve in such different ways and on such different timelines. And grief is one of those emotions that people seem to think they know how you should react. What the appropriate timeline is. What the basic steps are. 

We've all had those stages drummed into our heads for so long that when you read about how they came to be and find out that they are nonsense you feel betrayed. There are no steps. There are no stages. There is no universal stages of grief.

Grief and grieving is personal. 

Now, all that being said...

I am giving you permission right now, blanket permission to use as needed, to find moments of joy even if you are grieving. 

Keep it tucked in your pocket for the day you need it, because odds are, sadly, some day in the future you will need it. 

Lately there seems to be a rash of people who stop themselves from joy because they are grieving. And I get it, there is a flash of guilt that can happen as you find yourself laughing at a joke or appreciating a sunset and almost (but not quite) forgetting for a moment that your world is torn apart. You get that moment of "I shouldn't be laughing, I'm too sad, what will the neighbors think?" and I'm here to tell you that it's okay. You can do both. 

I come from a family of inappropriate laughers. I've talked about it before. So this hasn't really been an issue for me. We tell jokes and laugh as part of the grieving process. But not really been an issue isn't the same as never been an issue. Though the problem I've had is people telling me things like "You seem really happy for...(insert recent tragedy)"

Do I? What should I seem like? Torn clothing and ashes on my head? Performative grief? 

Because that's what it would be. For me. Performative.

I will share how hard things are. I write about it, as you all know. I will tear up as I talk about it. I even know that there are times and things that are harder to deal with than others. Like August. August just sucks. 

But August can also be really lovely. The weather can be gorgeous. The cake can be delicious. 

Both can be true. It can suck because waiting around for your mother to die leaves a mark that doesn't go away. And it can be lovely because life is often lovely. And neither one cancels out the other. And neither one is the wrong way to feel about it. 

So if you are right now in the newness of grief, or even feeling stuck in a grief that doesn't want to let go, and you have a moment where you feel that deep solid joy, don't talk yourself out of it. Don't tell yourself that you cannot possibly be happy right now because you are grieving. 

Just check your pocket and look at your permission slip. 

Denise says you can be happy and grieve at the same time. 

Anyone who disagrees can take it up with me and I'll give them grief over it.