I had a doozy of a nightmare last night. One of those that is so bad when you wake up you are a little apprehensive about going back to sleep again just incase it's still there. I had to reach out and put a hand on Brent's back so I could relax enough to fall back asleep. Just awful.
It's always weird how dream logic and dream reality works. I mean I knew when they pulled the canister out of the bog with the other supplies that it was a bad idea. I could feel the dread in my body. That heavy feeling you get in your chest when things are about to go really badly. I tried to keep the diver from opening the jar and releasing the contents and then...man when they got out and started exploding everywhere? Just so scary.
And as I was telling Brent about it this morning he laughed out loud. I mean, I don't know why he didn't think weaponized crickets sounded terrifying but for some reason he just didn't.
I mean, I can still see it in my head now. And...
Well yeah, it's a little ridiculous.
But at the time...terrifying.
Just that feeling of dread.
I imagine that's what people who suffer from anxiety feel. The rest of us see nothing to be worried about and they see weaponized crickets.
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I've been sitting here staring at my screen for the past half hour. I was going to go someplace else with this piece when that part about people with anxiety fell out of my brain on to the screen and sort of derailed everything. I mean how do you go into something else when you've just stumbled into something like that?
I have friends and family members who suffer from generalized anxiety. Which sounds like not a big deal right? I mean all of us have been generally anxious for the past 6-8 years. With things ebbing and flowing, better and worse. But things have been tense. So we've all been a little anxious.
It's kind of like when you are depressed about something so you think you understand how someone with Depression feels. You know, you were sad and then you weren't so they should just try not being sad and see how that works for them.
You were anxious about the pandemic and then you got vaccinated or bought new masks or decided that you were going to get it at some point so you just stopped worrying about it so they should try just not being anxious anymore.
I mean, it's just some bugs, it's not like they are weaponized crickets.
I think understanding the difference between being a little of something vs. having something that dictates your behavior is hard for people. Like when people say they are OCD because they straighten a picture on a wall. Not understanding that they like the way that picture looks straight but if they had been in a hurry they could have left the house with it crooked and might have even possibly forgotten about it until the next time they saw it. Instead of having to get the level from the garage and make sure it's straight and all the others are straight and then possibly having to rehang everything anyway because they aren't spaced correctly and if you don't fix it it feels like your brain cannot focus on anything else. At all. Like there is an itch deep in your skull that cannot be scratched until all of the pictures are fixed. And maybe you just should take them all down because they are never going to be perfect but then you will need to patch and paint and now you're late for your appointment...
One is a preference. You like things to be tidy and neat. One is an obsession. The obsessive part of OCD. You HAVE to do it. It HAS to be done. You HAVE to wash your hands even though you just washed your hands and if you wash them again they are going to get so dried out they crack and bleed. But you still have to. You HAVE to touch that sweater and see how it feels. If you don't you are going to be distracted from the entire conversation happening around you. You are going to stand there trying to figure out if you can subtly touch a sleeve without seeming weird and would they notice and oh crap they've asked a question and you have no idea what they were saying...
I have a few friends who suffer from various forms of OCD. I get small flares when I'm manic. That need to touch things is strongest on an upswing. I've talked before that I'm lucky. My swings are small. I get a little manic (usually) I get a little depressive (usually). I don't medicate because I don't have the debilitating form. I can manage through diet and exercise to regulate my moods. When that doesn't work I generally can ride the wave in either direction until it ends. But a sign of a coming manic phase is an uptick in OCD like behavior. I HAVE to touch that sweater, shirt, wall, flower, whatever it is. And if I don't I can literally feel my hands itch to do it. I have had to sit and hold my hands together to keep from touching things that aren't mine. And I'm lucky, the urge passes. It's small. I have friends who if they weren't taking medication to help would HAVE to touch, or talk, or wash, or straighten.
I have a few little bugs, they have weaponized crickets.
I've talked more than once in this blog about how we don't take mental illness seriously in this country. How we like to blame it for things that we don't want to deal with otherwise, like our problem with gun violence. And I think this is one of the ways that we justify not dealing with the problem of not making it easier for people to get treatment. We minimize the issues. We co-opt the language. We talk about it all like it's funny or not a big deal. I don't think most of us do it maliciously, but I do think that if you catch yourself doing it you should stop.
I don't really have a wrap up for this piece, or even a place I was going. Like I said I had a different idea in my head when I started and then was just struck by how awful that would be to deal with awake. It was bad enough in a dream.
So yeah....
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