Looking at a post on my On This Day feed this morning and could feel my eyes rolling as I saw a person who was commenting. Then I read through the comments and just had to shake my head. Not only at his comments but at mine.
I was just so nice.
The comments were in response to Beyonce singing to a backing track at Obama's inauguration. That tells you how long ago it was. And the person first claimed to not even have any idea who Beyonce was. This was ten years ago. Beyonce was already a major superstar. I believe that was just a few weeks out from her singing at the Super Bowl too. It doesn't matter if you listen to that style of music or not you would know her name. And he also gave up his game by starting out saying he wasn't a fan of Whitney Houston then later claiming he didn't even know who she was.
Now ten years ago me was really polite about the whole thing. Today I would say "if you don't know anything about the topic then don't comment" or something like that. Hard to say because this person is no longer on my friend list.
A few months after that conversation (I want to say, it might have been sooner) we were talking about something else. Having a debate about something political, when he said something about Obama that made me come back with, "Oh! You're a birther. Okay, now I get it." which he then was insulted and asked what that was supposed to mean. And I said it let me know that no matter what facts I presented him with he would not be moved by my argument because he believes in nonsense. He tried to keep arguing with me about the birther nonsense and what we were originally discussing in the first place. Called me narrow minded because I wouldn't engage with facts that I didn't agree with. I told him I would for sure engage with facts that I didn't agree with, but he wasn't dealing in facts.
Shortly after that he was dropped from the friend list.
I kept his wife for a while after that. She had been the original friend after all. I have a rule that if the spouse of someone I am friends with sends me a request I automatically accept it. I am not going to be part of anybody's drama. But eventually I dropped her as well. She wasn't as overt as he was, but if you are married to a birther odds are you are also a racist piece of shit. You just might normally hide it better. But my guess is they are both election deniers and maybe should have their January 6th travel records looked at.
See? That's me now. Back then I was nicer about it. Oh you believe nonsense, let me try and explain why it's nonsense. Now? You know that's racist right? Then; let's discuss things where I choose my words very carefully and try to make you understand that pretending to not know who Beyonce is just makes you look out of touch. Now? Oh fuck off. You don't have to like her music but you know who she is.
I can still be really calm and rational in a discussion. I can still present my points with clarity and reason. If I believe you are arguing in good faith. But I don't believe everyone is and for those people, the ones who just want to spout nonsense I have zero patience anymore.
I've stopped being nice.
There is probably a Real World or a Road House joke in there you could make...
In a way when I read those old posts I feel badly about the shift. I sort of wish I had the patience that past me seemed to possess. But I also can see the progression as the change happened. I can see the disingenuous engagements from people. There was another person on my list who would argue to make talking points. And I was always like, keep up, sunshine, that's not what we are talking about. But I realized, eventually, that that was what he was there for. He wasn't trying to have an honest discussion about a difference, he was trying to score hit points and gotcha moments. And since I don't do gotcha moments, rarely if ever am I actually got, he was just spouting nonsense and rhetoric that I was trying to be nice about. Then I just wasn't and I dropped him off my list. I can also see the points where despair has taken over and I've had to claw back out of that. So my lack of niceness is well earned.
And to be perfectly honest, nice is overrated. Often nice is just a word we use to try and control other people. Especially women. We are socialized to be nice. Now be nice. I cannot even tell you the number of times I've had people say that to me in my life when I wasn't being mean. I was just stating a fact. Or telling someone that what they were doing was something I didn't appreciate. Now be nice. Oh fuck that, you be nice if you want to, but I won't be nice to someone who doesn't deserve it.
I work toward being kind. I will always try to be kind to people. Kind is an actual thing you do. You choose words that are helpful. You give assistance where you can. I hope that people think of me as being kind.
But who the fuck cares if they think I'm nice?
I'm sorry past me, I know you tried, and I know your heart was in the right place. And I know you were actually fully shocked at times at what people thought and believed, or at least admitted proudly that they thought and believed that instead of hiding that shit away like the embarrassing secret it should have been. I'm sorry you got the niceness burned out of you that way. A little. Maybe. Okay, not really. Nice has never been a super comfortable fit.
Teenage me could have told you that if you had told her to be nice to someone she didn't think deserved it.
I mean she'd have told you to fuck off, but you'd have gotten the idea.
No comments:
Post a Comment