Halfway For Real...

And we've reached it. Halfway through the year. So what did I decide?

And yes, this is totally on theme for the week. I mean part of the core of me is these goal lists.

And I know they are silly. They aren't life shattering. Nobody but me cares if they are done. They aren't even that hard to accomplish (usually). But they are a huge part of who I am. Brent says I can make anything a game. And it's true. I've always been that way. I am constantly playing some game or another in my head. I never outgrew "hot lava."

Something I figured out a long time ago is that my game playing is tied directly to what we talked about yesterday. I needed to have a story in my head all the time when I was younger. I was a voracious reader (that hasn't changed much), but I also made up elaborate stories with my Barbie dolls and other stuffed toys. There was drama. It's a way to disassociate. When you don't know what is going to happen day to day with your caretaker it's much more pleasant to have a story you are either pretty sure will all work out (books) or are in control of (toys). 

And I just never stopped doing it. 

I tell stories. Some of them even end up here in this blog for fun. But I have a running story in my head at almost all times. I anthropomorphize EVERYTHING. When I let anyone know the running dialog in my head that is happening at all times I get looks that vary from amazement to amusement to shock that if I'm not institutionalized I should at least be medicated.

And a lot of the stories I tell in my head as I go through the day are wrapped around a game. Or an impromptu dance party. Or both.

(Reality check break here: I am using always language here because my normal swing is between slightly manic and even keel. When the pendulum swings toward the depressive side the voices and the games get quieter. They don't go away completely until I'm very much in the down swing, but they do die off. Thankfully those swings are generally short lived, and when they haven't been I've considered that I should be medicated as well, but I want to be medicated to get the voices back so...)

So anyway...goals/games are a central part of who I am. 

And what are we looking at for July? 

Not a lot. Like I mentioned before we are still settling in and there are times where my schedule blows up because of work that needs to be done or calls that need to be made or me reaching a point where I am OVER IT from dealing with work that needs to be done or calls that need to be made. So I'm doing goal light, but still have some things on my radar.

Basically easing in to a new routine and new schedules with the move and Brent heading back into the office. He is planning on being on site three days a week. Monday and Friday working from home. So I will need to meal plan and errand plan around when I have the car and when I can sort of plan on him being home. 

I'm going to switch up my workouts. I'm going to do timed body weight moves for July. Super short but constant motion sort of things. I will plan those out over the weekend and not actually start until Monday. I hate starting a new routine on a Friday so I'll finish my June schedule and then move on. Along with the body weight stuff I'll do cardio daily. Just because I cannot wrap my head around working out 10 minutes a day and calling it good. I've already doubled up from where the idea originated, they did five. Which worked out to three minutes of work and two of rest. I'll do five of work and five of rest. Then a half hour of cardio. 

Writing, I'm going to stick with this theme idea. Assuming I can come up with some themes. I put the call out on my Facebook page and if you have suggestions please leave them as well! I think 20 blogs in July. If I wander off theme then I don't think I'll count those toward the total, those will be bonus content. 

I'm also going to do a round of Picture of the Day. I haven't done one in ages, but the July list is really good so I'm going to pick that back up again. 

And then like I said, setting up a new schedule framework. What needs to be done on rotation to take care of the house? What meals work best for unpredictable home arrivals? And also working on those last lingering items that will make the house feel more settled. 

As July rolls on I'll think about the rest of the year. What do I want to aim for? And of course I'll also be thinking about my new hashtag. I didn't use my 53 one much, in fact I used it so little that I can't remember what I settled on, was it #MeAt53? That seems like it might have been it...but anyway...on to a new one soon! #54MoreYears? 

Maybe not...

That's My Story...

The theme I've been trying to follow this week is who are you at your core. I've been sharing who I am for years. That's kind of been the over arching theme of this blog. Navel gazing and political rants. I know who I am. And when I try to become someone else I get reminders that that is not who I am. I am pretty comfortable with who I am most of the time, except for those times that I think I want to try to be someone else. And as I mentioned, that never works.

And who I am, who all of us are, is our story. Your life so far. What is your story? How did you get here? How did you become who you are? Why do you think the way you do? Why do you act like that? I mean seriously, why do you act like that?

I mentioned in a blog earlier this week that my foundation is broken and that's why I don't trust people. I've written before about why it's broken. Cliff's notes version for anyone who hasn't read that piece:

I was abused as a kid by an older sibling. It was because of a drug issue she had. Once she was clean we didn't talk about it in my family except in the rosiest of terms that "God handled it." My parents never acknowledged the abuse or the fact that they knew she was unstable and left me with her anyway. It took me years to even understand what had happened wasn't normal. It took me more years to reach a point where I forgave my family for the abuse, the neglect and the gaslighting. 

I was really angry for a lot of years and I didn't really even understand why. I didn't realize that what I had been through was abuse, not just normal sibling issues. I didn't realize that part of me understood that my parents abandoned me in those years and that wasn't okay. I just choked it all down (with a good amount of rum) and seethed inside. My late teens and early 20s I worked through it (mostly) and by my 40s even came to a place where I have empathy for what my sister had to go through. It wasn't fair to her to have to deal with a much younger sibling while she was clearly going through her own shit. 

Now...

That's my story. 

When I was home visiting my mother the spring before she died I was talking to my sister and we started to touch on what went on when we were kids. She said that everyone has a version of their life growing up and they don't always match and that's okay. It doesn't have to match. And that was the end of the discussion. I was a little stunned.

Later she was talking about something to do with my father and told a story that doesn't match at all with the man I knew. Like I wouldn't have liked this guy she was talking about and I adored my dad. The words she put in his mouth were nothing like anything I had ever heard him use. It was really disorienting. I talked to Brent about it and said that she had lived with my parents for much longer than I did so was this really who my father was? Brent basically said something similar to what she had earlier, everyone has their own version of their stories and sometimes they don't match. 

He said it was fine if I never considered that story, the one she told, canon. 

It was a wonderfully geeky way of looking at it. 

The version of our childhood that my sister now holds, the one that sprung up because we weren't supposed to acknowledge what happened to me, that's her canon not mine. That's her story. That's central to who she is. What she believes about herself and her life. And it has nothing to do with my story. 

Even though we both lived it. Both experienced it. Both would swear in a court of law that our version is the correct one. We have different stories. Different pieces are canon. 

And it's okay. 

She was right. I don't need her to believe my version of life. I don't need to believe hers. It doesn't hurt me that she has a different story. And it's none of my business who she thinks she is. 

See how that works?

Years ago I needed someone to acknowledge that what happened to me wasn't right. Wasn't okay. Wasn't my fault. But I didn't need it to be her. I didn't need to it be my parents. It might have been quicker and smoother healing if it had been, but it didn't work that way. And in the end the person I needed to believe all of that, it wasn't okay, it wasn't right, it wasn't my fault, was me. That took awhile, but I got there. 

Knowing that I can trust myself, believe myself, love myself, that's all part of my core now. 

That's my story. 

My foundation is broken, but I'm still standing. 

Have a Little Grace...

Brent and I had a conversation this weekend about how little grace there is anymore. In all situations. It was triggered as we were driving someplace and witnessed at least a half dozen near miss accidents. Everyone is super aggressive on the road right now. For awhile it seemed as though it was residual hangover from the isolation time in the early pandemic. People who were out driving got used to having a lot of road to themselves. They could (and did) drive faster without much worry about other cars. Once more and more cars came back on to the road those that had gotten used to the space seemed to resent it pretty heavily. 

But it's more than that. There is this sense of taking it personally if someone gets ahead of you on the road. Like if you let someone merge into traffic ahead of you, you lost. That if someone needs to join the roadway from a driveway they are just a big old loser who should have never gone in the driveway in the first place. And heaven forfend if it's a Subaru with a Love is Love bumper sticker trying to merge into traffic with a truck flying a Don't Tread on Me flag. Then it really is personal.

And it's not just in driving. 

You see it with a lot of interactions right now. People come in to them with the assumption that the person they are speaking with has ill intent. Or is an idiot. Or is actually evil. It makes it impossible to reach any sort of resolution to problems and turns things that aren't problems into problems.

And most of the time just a little grace, not even kindness but just neutrality can temper a situation. 

I've been dealing with a lot of contractors lately. And a lot of them don't call back or are not exactly timely with work estimates. I have to keep reminding myself that they aren't trying to piss me off. They are just extremely busy right now. Sometimes it works. And I can say that the times I am understanding when talking with people scheduling work or calling to tell me that work has to be rescheduled the response I get from them is amazing. Like not me being overly kind, but just me saying, okay, sure, we can push that out to Wednesday. The relief that they aren't getting yelled at is palpable. And it's not like me yelling at them would make the part come quicker, or the schedule free up sooner, all it would do is make us both like each other a little less. 

Just a little grace could solve a lot of issues. Don't assume people have bad intent.

And for the rest a huge dose of Mind Your Own Business would be helpful.

So many issues out there in the world don't have anything to do with the people debating them. The people getting most riled up about them. The level of wanting to control other people is amazing. 

You see it in debates around abortion. It's a private medical decision that is nobody's business but the person going through the pregnancy, possibly their partner, and a medical professional. That's it. That's the circle. And as I said, the partner is only a possibly not a definitely. Because you and I don't know what the situation is with that partner, because it's none of our business. Abortion rights are privacy rights. Medical and bodily autonomy rights. And that's what bodily autonomy really boils down to, mind your own business. The Dirty Dancing move...my space...your space. Keep to your space.

It holds true with LGBTQIA+ issues as well. Sexuality, gender, presentation, none of that is anyone's business but the person who is dealing with it. If someone asks you to use different pronouns or a different name it does not hurt you at all to do so. It is not any different than Susie growing up and wanting to go by Susan. "She's changing her name from Kitty to Karen." It's none of your business. It doesn't affect you in the slightest. 

Stop thinking the world revolves around you and your comfort zone. It doesn't. Ask yourself the simple question, how does this hurt me? Then follow it up with the question, If someone else told me this excuse would I roll my eyes and think, get over yourself? And generally that gives you the mind your own business framework. 

There are things that other people do that do affect you. Those things you should put your energy toward. There are people out there who have proven themselves to not be worthy of the benefit of the doubt. Don't show them any grace. 

Now, I know you are saying, but what about speaking for others? Fighting for rights that don't pertain to you? 

For instance marriage equality. I'm in a heterosexual marriage. Gay marriage doesn't affect me, right? Ah, but see, taking away rights always affects us all. Because none of us are free until all of us are free. 

It does affect me to see rights limited. We should not be taking away rights. 

It's why I will tell you over and over that I am all for comedians being able to say what ever they want under First Amendment guidelines. You should be free from government persecution to tell your jokes. I'm also for consequences of actions. And if what you are saying is hurtful to a community that is already facing real issues, and you are just normalizing being a dick to them? Well I think venues should feel free not to hand you a microphone. It's why I won't buy a ticket to go see you. Or to go see people who are featuring you. (specific example there, I know, but he's the face of anti-trans sentiment right now so he gets the spotlight, so to speak)

And now my gun people speak up, oh but what about the right to bear arms? I'm not one who wants to take that away. I have family that hunts. I have friends and family that live in remote areas where a call to the police would never matter if they needed protection right then. As I mentioned yesterday I am not positive I trust the police to protect me anyway. And they don't have to. (Look it up, they don't have to protect you, that's not their job.) So I own guns myself. BUT...I do think that we need to lean a little more into the responsibility part of that right. The Second Amendment has a whole clause that certain people ignore. The well regulated part. I'm all for tying your right with your responsibility. You want to be a "good guy with a gun" or a "responsible gun owner" or any of the other blahblahblah that comes out around these topics then argue for more regulation.

Where does this hurt me? I think the better question is how does it not hurt you to see another classroom of children slaughtered?

So there you have it. Another core piece.

Give a little grace to people. Go into situations, if not pleasantly, at least neutral. 
Mind your own business. If it's not your business, don't fight against it. 

and then flip that...

Those who have shown they don't have good intentions do not deserve any grace. Fuck them.
If someone is losing a right, or is unsafe, or needs an ally, then it becomes your business. Fight for them like you would for yourself. 

It's always a balancing act, and I don't always get it right, but that's my baseline try. Show grace, mind my own business. And be prepared to not do either if the situation deserves it. 

Themes...

I think, at least for this week, I've decided to go with themes for my blogs.  

Fiction or nonfiction for the week tied to a theme, loosely or tightly, but tied. 

Starting this week with a really general one. 

Core.

Who are you at your core? 

I have two quotes I use a lot to kind of wrap up who I am. One is "I'm mostly peace, love, and light with a little go fuck yourself." the other one is "Be the kind of woman that when her feet hit the floor in the morning the devil says, 'Crap, she's up.'"

My husband is a fan of Road House, so he would say I'm nice until it's time to not be nice. 

My default is to give people the benefit of the doubt. Which is funny because I am one of the least trusting people you will ever meet. I'm generally quick to spot a con because I don't trust that people aren't consistently running one. I don't let a lot of people into my life in a more than just superficial way because I don't trust that they will be good stewards of that privilege. 

Because it is a privilege anytime someone really lets you into their lives. The ones that trust you with the hurt and the happiness. They are allowing you to share something about them that is really them. I kind of feel like those old fables about people not wanting their photographs taken because they thought it stole a little piece of their soul? Trusting someone enough to let them really in to your life is giving them a piece of you. And some people do not deserve those pieces. And some people will abuse that trust. 

Because I have a broken foundation I am extremely cautious about who I let in and give those pieces to. But I do really like people as a whole, from a set boundaries distance. And I sort of feel like because I don't let people in very often I am pretty easy going about most things in life. Having space between yourself and others really reinforces that what they do isn't your business and what you do isn't theirs. That you can intersect without blending. It's easier for me to be peace, love and light that way. 

Until I'm not. Then fuck you, fuck everything you stand for, fuck your very existence, fuck right off until you can't fuck off any more then fuck off a little further. Once you've shown me that you are not a decent individual I have no use for you. Right now I'm at that point with the Republican establishment as a whole. You'll notice that I have gone away from the lovely posts about how we all have more in common than we don't. Because they've shown over and over again who they are. So fuck them.

And, honestly, even when we have something in common we often only have it in common superficially. 

Brent and I were at the gun range this winter and we were talking to who we call "the lobby guys." They are the ones selling guns and ammo and range time. And they were talking about how many people purchased weapons over the pandemic after the protests in 2020 that didn't have them before. I am one of those people. We've never felt the need for a gun before. But the protests in 2020 really changed our mindset. 

So we have that in common right?

Except no. 

I'm not scared of Antifa. I don't think BLM is coming to subjugate white people in the name of George Soros. But what I saw was the Proud Boys and the Patriot Prayer guys coming in to Portland and thinking they could intimidate anyone who wasn't them. I saw the police failing over and over again to protect protestors and instead share information with Patriot Prayer and Proud Boys and lo and behold, be members of those groups and the One Percenters. Then head to DC on January 6th to do a little government overthrowing. Those aren't people I trust to protect me. In fact I'm pretty sure I am who they would like to body slam and arrest for twerking in the bike lane (an actual thing that happened here resulting in a payout of $75,000 to the woman. If you added that to all of the other payouts they've had to do due to excessive force they could stop bitching about defunding movements because they'd have enough money for a whole other police division).

Anyway...

We don't really have that much in common. It's like the Tom Hanks sketch where he played a redneck on Black Jeopardy. It just looks the same in abstract. The details matter. 

I'm mostly peace, love, and light, with a little go fuck yourself. 

The second quote is one that amused me when I first read it then amused me even more as I posted it as a favorite quote. 

See, another running joke in my family is that if I'm wrong and there is a heaven and hell I don't know where I'll go after I die. The whole atheist leaning agnostic kind of disqualifies me from heaven but the devil isn't going to let me in to hell because he's afraid that after a week or so I'll be running the joint. 

So for me, that quote was because while I'm asleep he's not worried. But as soon as I'm up? He gets a little tense. I'm a little intense. The whole go fuck yourself part. The decorating my house in Halloween chic outside of October. The fact that Maleficent is my favorite Disney character. 

He worries. 

But when I posted it my actual peace, love and light contingent took it to mean that the Devil would be bummed they were awake because they were out spreading good and sweet things. 

Well...okay. Sure. I mean you could take it that way. I guess. 

And honestly that's probably what it was supposed to mean. Stay sweet!

But it's not how I took it. It's not how I live it. It's not why I love it. 

He's afraid I'll run the joint. 

I mean, if there is a chance to flex my leadership skills, why not? And if I'm wrong and some of you are right I'll already have a support group there ready to step into positions of leadership so...

So this week is about core.

Who do I think I am at my core?

Why do I identify with the villain instead of the princess?

And who should just go fuck themselves?

Choice...

I was going to write yesterday but I needed to sit with everything for a day. I needed to find a space to have something more to say than, "Those motherfuckers"

So here we are a little over 24 hours later and...

I'm still angry. 

I mean we knew it was coming. The leaked draft was intended to harden those justices that might be on the fence. To make sure they could feel righteous about voting to take away rights. It was supposed to put Roberts in the corner and force his vote to over turn Roe as well. That part didn't work. He was still trying for incremental repeal, but the hyper-conservative Supreme Court did hyper-conservative Supreme Court things and overturned it. 

It's been weird to watch members of Congress act shocked that they were lied to during their confirmation hearings. That the ones that voted to overturn Roe swore that it was settled law and there was no way they would overturn it. I mean, I knew they were lying, you knew they were lying, why would anyone be shocked they were lying? The whole reason they made The Federalist's list was because they said they would overturn Roe given the chance. Fucking Kavanaugh lied about shit he didn't need to, of course he lied about Roe. The ends justify the means. That's the playbook here. 

And, honestly, any member of Congress acting shocked now is lying as well. They knew. 

I hate the "It's up to the States" rhetoric that is coming out. It's a medical privacy issue. The government shouldn't be involved at any level. The Federal legality of it made it so the States couldn't tell you that you couldn't get the procedure. That's what being legal meant. And as soon as Roe passed it started to get chipped away at. Oh you can have an abortion at this point but not at that one. Oh you can get one for this reason and not that one. Oh I support choice in these circumstances and not those. 

I've written about abortion a number of times. You are either in favor of personal health care being a private discussion between a patient and a doctor or you are about controlling care that people can get. Oh I know, there are those of you out there sputtering "But but but vaccines!" and I'm going to sputter back at you, I'm consistent. I do not believe you should be forced to get vaccinated. BUT...I do believe that organizations and venues can require you to have been vaccinated to attend or to work there. I know a lot of you don't see the difference and think that not being allowed to go where ever you want at all times means you're being forced to do something, but it doesn't. It means you pay the consequence for not doing something and if you believe in it strongly, then you should be fine with that. 

I don't want to force care on you, but I don't want your lack of care to force disease on me. And since I can't catch pregnancy from a pregnant person breathing on me I don't care what choice they make. 

And Roe is the blueprint for a number of decisions that followed. Privacy and autonomy and equal protection. All of that is up in the air now. 

Thomas lined it out; birth control, marriage equality and criminalization of homosexuality, now he conveniently left Loving off his list of decisions to destroy. Imagine that. The one that directly affects him he's pretty sure shouldn't be a states rights issue. 

Alito wanted to make sure he let everyone know this decision was only about Roe and wouldn't mean they were looking at anything else and I mean he wouldn't lie about that right? 

Oh wait. 

Yeah. They all lied. So...

This Supreme Court is going to be an historic one. Either one that is looked at for horrific rulings or as the last standing court before the United States went full Christian Nationalism. 

I'm still very angry. 

I'm very worried. Not just for the next generation who finds themselves pregnant and without options, but also for what comes next. Birth control as a whole is on the chopping block. Not just having less control over your own body and your own decisions on procreation but having none. Just cross your fingers and hope. 

And then there are all of the rights for the LGBTQiA+ community. Those are new and freshly won. Imagine how much easier they are to trash than a 50 year precedent founding right was. We've already seen a targeted attack on the trans community, you think the ultra-conservatives will be happy stopping there? 

The majority of people that live in the United States are not in favor of rolling back these rights. Over 60% supported Roe v. Wade, and more than that supported a more limited version of Roe without completely overturning. Marriage equality also gets majority support. But none of that matters because the Supreme Court has been stacked by the Republican party. Five out of nine justices put on the court by a president that initially lost the popular vote (two of them were from Bush's second term where he won the popular vote in his re-election, but he still took office the first time under Electoral College rules). Out of the three Trump justices one was stolen from Obama's term and if you believed it was right to hold that nomination until after the election then the third was stolen from Biden. 

We are in minority majority rule territory. We've lost the courts thanks to McConnell's machinations. The Republican party that is in power right now is much more conservative than the majority of the population of the United States. But still we are living under their rules. And it is probably going to get worse. If they take back the majority in Congress look for nothing at all to get done in Biden's last two years except Hunter Biden investigations, and voter fraud investigations, nothing will be found, but the point isn't to find an issue, it's to make people think there must be an issue or there wouldn't be so many investigations! (but her emails...)

And when a Republican president enters the Oval Office in January 2025 that door shuts on free and fair elections. Done. Over. 

Christian Nationalism Authoritarian rule. 

A lot of us have seen it coming and have been told we were over reacting, it could never happen, there are too many safeguards in place. Not noticing that the safe guards were really just agreements not to behave badly and once you got someone in office who showed there are no consequences for breaking all of the norms there was no reason for anyone to follow them again. 

So yeah, I sat with yesterday's decision before writing anything so I wouldn't just say, "Those motherfuckers" but maybe that would have been more uplifting?

I do want to touch on one more thing here really quickly before I wrap up this piece.

A lot of people are ready to step in and help, and I think that's wonderful and great. But I do want people to understand what that might mean. There is always a record of what you do. Brent and I have been donating to organizations that help people with all of their healthcare decisions and travel arrangements as necessary for awhile. Someone somewhere can track that information. I post about issues all of the time. That's easy to track as well. Helping out, even saying you want to help, can come with a price.

I'll back up here a bit...

For awhile when there was a lot of violence toward Muslim Americans people took to wearing safety pins to show they were a safe person to be next to, a person they could turn to if they were being bothered in public. It's a great idea. Unless you've never been hit in the face. And most people have never been hit in the face. Saying you will step in to situation where violence could potentially happen is a strong statement, but are you really prepared for what that means? Locally we had an incident on a Max train where two young women were being harassed and three people stepped in and they were stabbed. Two of them died. 

If the Republican party has their way and abortion gets a federal ban, gay rights are abolished and criminalized, you have to make a decision. Are you willing to be held to account? I made the joke on my timeline yesterday that in our new live action Handmaid's Tale world I guessed I would be a Martha or on The Wall. 

It's only slightly a joke. I know there are a lot of people out there saying it's an overreaction, but is it? Have we not been taking giant steps backwards? I firmly believe this is the last desperate grasp for power from the people who have always held it. I'm just not sure if it will be successful or not. At least in the balance of my life. 

Corner an animal and they bite. 

Are you willing to be bitten?

Me? I've been hit in the face a few times. It sucks. But I'll stand with you, with us, publicly and loudly until they put me on The Wall. And then I want you to tell everyone how I got there. Whisper it for your safety if you have to, but let them know, someone was there. 

It's not just those motherfuckers...

Doing...

So still in that planning stage...

Thinking about getting back into the habit of writing. Getting those gears not only unstuck but just whirring along smoothly and constantly. There have been times in my life where I have been really consistent with writing. 

Hell, there have been times in my life where I've been really consistent about all sorts of things!

I do actually sort of like a schedule. In the way that I like to have something to form a day around. Some structure. I think a lot of people actually like that. I mean that's what traditions are right? Just structure we form our lives around. Every Christmas we...every Thanksgiving we...every summer we... It's all just big framework structure. 

But really tight schedules aren't my thing. I don't like that much structure. I did it for years when I was working. Or at least I did a version of it. Time blocking schedules. Mornings before work were tight. Get up, drink a protein shake, go to the gym, come home, shower and get ready for work, get Katie going, feed us (more often than not it was Starbucks on the way to school), drop her off, head into work. Work for x amount of hours. Turn around and pick Katie up and shuffle her to whatever thing she needed to go to, band practices, college courses, then figure out dinner and crash at the end of the day only to do it all again the next. 

And then when I started massage it was working my clients in and around everything else and doing it all with one car so now it was take Brent to work and pick him up on top of the rest. Katie's schedule got busier and I spent a year and a half in my car basically. Schedules and calendars were a must. Things had to be planned out and if they didn't make it in the book they didn't happen.

Then I quit massage and Katie went to college and...

No schedule. Just vast amounts of free time. 

Which, at first, was great. But then I realized that my slothful nature was taking over and I really did need some sort of structure. And being a person who is able to do things in small amounts I added in just a touch.

Ha! Just kidding!

I totally made a tight schedule again with the things I felt like I needed to do to keep the house running as well as do the things I wanted to do. A cleaning schedule, a writing schedule, a shopping schedule, working out, meals, miscellaneous reading time...it was all lined out. And that worked right up until it didn't. It started to feel like I had never left work. That I wasn't giving myself space to figure out what I wanted to do next. 

So then came all of the experimenting years. Trying tight schedules, time blocking schedules, no schedules just weekly to do lists, written calendars, electronic calendars, goals. Toss them all in a bucket and pull out a new combination. And I still didn't figure out what I wanted to do next.

Which, of course, ended up being how I figured out what I want to do next. Nothing. There isn't a next thing for me on the horizon. I'm not striving to go back to school for a new career. I'm not looking at that next promotion at work. I'm not interested in a new job or a new position on some board running some thing. None of that holds any interest to me. I just am me and I'm just doing life as it comes. 

And for some reason that always feels a little weird. At first I thought it was weird because clearly I was supposed to be doing something else. I was supposed to be wanting something more. Striving is surviving! But I think the reason why it feels weird is because we as a society don't put any value in being. Only in doing. It's not that it is weird for me, it's weird for everyone else. And so they make it weird for me.

When people ask me what I do I generally answer "as little as possible." This horrifies and scandalizes them! Oh don't say that! You are important and run your house and blah blah blah...

Bitch, I never said I wasn't important. I said I don't do much. 

I'm okay with that. In fact I like it. 

Sure, I keep a clean house. I keep us fed and clothed. I take care of the bulk of the errands that need run. I do all of that. But I try my best not to fill my days with all of that. I do it in pockets. Today I did a few loads of laundry, mowed the lawn and ran some errands. Tomorrow I'll do a good chunk of house cleaning. Over the weekend we will run a couple errands (negative Covid tests assumed) and go to the Timbers match but other than that we will hang out around the house enjoying the AC. 

I'm good with my life. I kid about the lack of excitement but that's because the world has convinced everyone that we all need SO MUCH MORE. And I don't. I'm really happy and content and I think sometimes we all get so focused on the next and the what we think we should want that we miss out on the sweet spot of contentment. 

That's what I'm working toward now. What level of doing and being is the right combination for me to feel my best?

I want to write more. I feel good when I write more. So I'm making sure I add that back into my daily routine. Get back into that habit. Writing for me isn't doing, it's being. It's connecting, it's clearing out the buzz in my head, it's creating something fun or at least fun to me. It makes me happy. 

And that's part of that sweet spot of contentment. Find what makes you happy and make that happen. Find the things that are being for you, not just doing. Stop striving all of the time for things and really take notice of what it is that you enjoy. Do only as much of the other stuff as you have to. 

Then when people ask you what you do you can tell them "as little as possible." 

Planning...

So still in that thinking about the second half of the year phase. Of course writing more is on my list. It always is. I enjoy writing. It helps keep my head clear. It entertains me. It makes me feel connected to the three of you that read my stuff. 

But...

As you three already know, sometimes I have no idea what to write about. Quite often I'm sitting down at the computer and staring at a blank screen hoping something will come to me.

I go back and forth on using writing prompts. And even when I do use them I tend to use them loosely. Writing prompt as interpreted by me. But I am thinking about finding a writing prompt book or website and consistently using their prompts. Nonfiction and fiction.

It would end up a dual writing challenge not just raw numbers but also a challenge in following prompts.

I could also do the Fat Mum Slim Picture of the Day prompts as writing prompts. I've done that a few times. The challenge with that being sometimes they don't really apply. I mean I can write a blog about "blue" but it's not much of a prompt right?

And then the real challenge, half the time when I look up writing prompts I click away from them again thinking, "oh my fucking god those are lame."

So maybe the first challenge is to find decent prompts and then the next is to follow them?

Breaking up the day into writing, working out, taking care of the house and then the rest. How many hours a day to put toward writing? 

I mean that's a challenge to decide as well. I've tried in the past to dedicated a block of time, "I write from ten to noon." but if there is no idea there it becomes "I surf the web and stare at a blank Blogger page from ten to noon." 

Wouldn't it be nice if you could turn creativity on or off when you were ready to work? Like flip that switch, pour out genius words, flip it back off and clean the bathroom. (Hey, I live an exciting life and don't let anyone tell you otherwise)

So that's where I am right now in the planning stage. I know I want to do something. I think I have an idea on how to do it. I just don't know exactly how it's going to look. 

So typical me!

Eyebrows on Fleek...

 I don't keep up with the kids today and their slang and hip talk...mostly because I don't understand it. That world of shifting language just begins to pass you by at some point. You might hear some of it, but you just let it wash over you and move on. 

But during that shining moment when "Eyebrows on Fleek" was a thing people said I really got it. If my eyebrows look good I feel good. 

Which brings us to mothers and daughters and how much easier it is to manage as adults and yet at the same time it's still complicated. 

Over the past year I've nagged Katie about her eyebrows more than once. And I'm using nagged only because I've done it more than once. I've suggested, recommended, said, that she should get her brows professionally shaped and then follow that in her regular maintenance. I've told her that it will open up her face in ways she will really like. That it will emphasize her eyes and her really gorgeous eyelashes. 

Then a few weeks ago someone else mentioned doing her eyebrows. 

And then another person mentioned it. 

Then she asked in her friend group if eyebrows were just a really big deal to cis women and she got the response that yeah they were. And one of the people in the group said she'd been bullied about her eyebrows her whole life. 

Well wait.

Bully is one of those words that is used totally differently now than it was when I was growing up and I think it's overused now because of that. Generational difference alert.

For me bullying is mean. It comes with a threat. Either of violence or insults or making life miserable. I will cop to nagging but I won't agree that I've bullied. 

But because she mentioned bullying I will try not to talk about it again if I can help myself. Because it doesn't really matter if I feel like I'm bullying her about it, if she does. 

Which is where the doing this from an advanced age helps. 

I think a lot of time the challenges that happen during puberty between the same sex parent child combo is a rejection of the parent to become fully their own individual. Or at least it often feels that way when your child decides to do something completely differently than you would have. We had that during first puberty.  Second puberty I can recognize that just because I would do something differently than she wants to do it that doesn't mean she is rejecting who I am. It's just that my way doesn't work for her.

My way of dressing, my way of doing my hair, my way of doing my makeup, my way of grooming my eyebrows. Those are all my way. I can tell her how I do it. Help her as much as she wants in those areas but she's not necessarily going to have the same taste in clothes that I do. She's not necessarily going to want to do the same grooming rituals that I do. All of that is fine. It's not a rejection of me, it's an embracing of herself.

Which at 53 and 29 is a lot easier to accept and manage without hurt feelings. 

Even though I do think she should at least try the eyebrows...

Halfway...

Okay, coming up on halfway through the year. 

This was the point that I said I'd reevaluate goals and see what I wanted to accomplish because there was no point in doing it before we were settled into the new house and had the old one sold.

We still aren't completely settled into the new place but it's close. We are waiting on a few things to be delivered still, blinds for the office, the new dishwasher. We are waiting on getting some work done, solar panels installed, the back yard landscaped. And we are still filling in things that the new house needs, like some furniture pieces that don't work in the new space and we need to replace some towels and buy some rugs and artwork. 

But it's all trickle in stuff now instead of constant work so it's time to look at what living in this space really means. 

What sort of schedule will my day start to take on? 

And that shifts starting next month as Brent starts going back into the office a few days a week. It's been super convenient to have his commute be 5 minutes instead of 25. And to be able to tell when the "I'm leaving at 6" shifts with a last minute meeting or phone call because I can hear it happen instead of the 6:30 text saying he got delayed and I've already got dinner cooked and ready. 

I mean, dinner time moving isn't really a big deal in any way shape or form, but it is nice when it's not an issue at all. 

So July will be Brent back at work in the office some days. The house projects now mostly manageable scheduling instead of tons of all the time fit it in workers. And time for second half of the year goal setting. 

Which leads me to...

What do I want to accomplish for the second half of the year?

Fitness, writing, reading, new skills? Is there anything that I am feeling the need to drive to right now? 

I'm just not sure. 

I have eleven days to think about it though so I'm sure I'll come up with something. 

Maybe.

I sort of feel like making it through the first 6 months with the move and everything really counts for a whole year of doing stuff. 

Or I could just be really lazy and want to find a justification for that. 

So if the goals become something like "Build up to Napping for 3 hours each day" you will know what won out. 



How about you? What are you looking forward to for the second half of the year?

Ally...

What makes you an ally?

I'm going to talk specifically about LGBTQIA+ here but you can apply it to anything or anyone you are trying to support. 

What makes you an ally?

You see a lot of ally talk in June. Pride month and all. But a lot of time it seems to be a rainbow post and maybe a Love is Love banner. 

Which is great, for sure. 

Or maybe not great. 

But better than nothing. 

Corporations do performance Pride. Where they change their Facebook or Twitter pictures for the month. Maybe make a post. For sure come up with some Pride merchandise they can sell. If there is money to be made they are supportive of that, Juneteenth is seeing that particular growing pain this year as well. 

Now, there are companies that are super LGBTQIA+ friendly all year round. So I'm not putting everyone on the just stop it bus, but there are a few that you know need to be there. And if the Pride merchandise doesn't have at least a portion of the profits going to an organization working toward rights or protections you can tell it's all capitalism not Pride. 

Then there are individuals. People who claim the ally banner and speak on being an ally. Right up until it gets hard. Or they want to do something that being a true ally would keep them from doing. Then it switches to "freedom of speech" and "agree to disagree" and "can't we all just get along?"

Well...okay then. 

I'll be perfectly honest, I've never had a chicken sandwich, biscuit or waffle fry that was good enough for me to want to put money towards organizations that want to deny gay people their rights. And that's what Hate Chicken does. Oh yeah sure, they have tried to distance themselves as a corporation saying their charitable wing no longer does that but...The man that makes money from them still does. And their corporate charity wing funnels money to more subtle outlets now. Instead of trying to get gay marriage overturned they donate to the Fellowship of Christian Athletes. Which does not allow "active" gay members. Like, you know, you can be in the group as long as you don't ever date or get married to a same sex partner. So totally different than what they were doing before. Except not. 

I've never read a book that was so foundational to my world that I can ignore the transphobic bullshit out of the author's mouth. I mean, I walked away from the Bible and my entire family's belief system when I was teenager, I'm pretty sure I can do without Harry Potter at this point. 

I have never heard a comedian so funny that I can disregard their homophobic or transphobic bullshit (or anti-Semitic as well in Chappelle's case, how is he not getting even a LITTLE grief over that part?) just to laugh at the rest. Ricky Gervais, not someone I will support. Dave Chappelle, oh hell no. And when other people support them I walk away from that as well. I get it, Chappelle especially has been super generous to other comedians, offering them stage time and help and words of wisdom and....

None of that matters to me. 

Ironically JK Rowling put it well in the Harry Potter books, standing up to your friends when they are doing the wrong things is MUCH harder than standing up to people you don't like. 

I don't need Patton Oswalt or John Mulaney or the fucking Foo Fighters to stop being friends with Chappelle, but I cannot support them giving him a microphone and a stage to spread his hate. Or standing on his stage ignoring what he says about trans people and Jewish people. Again, why does no one mention that part? I mean, if you are a transphobe yourself aren't you at least not anti-Semitic? 

Free speech means all of these people get to say whatever they want to say without the government punishing them. I don't want that to change. I am all for free speech. I like when people actually speak their minds so I know who I want to associate with and who I want to give my money to. 

Being an ally is an activity. Ally is an action word. It's not a title you give yourself and then sit back and say, "Look at me in my rainbow shirt! I'm such a good ally!" 

If you are eating a Chick-fil-a sandwich wearing your Ravenclaw sweatshirt on your way to a Chappelle show you aren't. 

It's not always easy. 

Or wait, actually it is easy. Do it or don't. Easy choice. 

It's not always fun. Or the thing you really wanted to do. But it's important. 

Are you an ally or do you just like rainbows and sparkles?

Busy....

I keep intending to come in to the office and write. I mean that has been the plan for June. Dedicate a few hours every day to writing. Fiction or nonfiction, doesn't matter. Just get some words on the screen. And how easy to do it! I've got time, especially right now because Brent is in Europe and I'm here. 

But here it is, Friday, and it's the first time all week I've made it in the office to write. And it's 4:15 on Friday so not exactly my mid morning session I was thinking. 

It's just been really busy lately. The kind of busy where you take one thing off your list and add two more. 

For instance...

We decided to do a custom build on the main bedroom closet. They let me know that they could come yesterday morning to install them. Great! That's a thing off the list. But then I needed to empty the closet out so they could build the new system. Then after they got the new system installed I needed to patch and paint the spots in the closet where the old hardware had been. So today I was going to load everything back in. But I'm changing out to the velvet hangers, pulled them out to use and realized they are shedding little black fuzz everywhere so they all need to be rinsed and then hung to dry. Take one thing off the list, add in a few more. 

I ordered some decorative pillow covers for the new bedding. One of them has been on a really late delivery delay. I didn't want to order any others until I got that one to see how it matched. Finally got it today! Yay, now I can order the others to match it. But wait, it's the wrong size. And they don't have the smaller size anymore (my guess as to why it took so long and they ended up sending me the wrong size) so I have to pack it back up and set up a return. Which I will now need to take to Fed-Ex, along with a trip to UPS to return something else and to Macy's to return the horrible dress that looked so cute on the model...

Take a thing off. Add in a few more.

I had big plans for everything that I was going to get done while Brent was gone, and in the grand scheme I will have gotten a lot done, I've already gotten a lot done, but most of it will be behind the scenes stuff so he won't be able to tell I've gotten a lot done. And if you don't get credit for doing things does it even count?

He is going to be gone another week. I'm already out of half of my time and starting tomorrow I will add in visiting Otto and Vastra while their people are gone. And now, that doesn't really take a ton of time, but it chops up the day and encourages me to be lazy because, "I can't start that now, I need to leave soon."

But so far I've had the living room curtains installed, I've gotten an estimate for garage insulation, I've scheduled a repair for the treadmill, the bedroom closet has been installed, I've given away the racks from the old closet, given away the cat food the cats are too picky to eat, given away the side tables we don't need anymore (or at least I'm pretty sure I've given them away, she hasn't picked them up yet, but I am hoping), the blinds for the back half of the house are scheduled to be installed Monday, the estimate for the backyard landscaping is set up for Thursday, I have a couple pieces of furniture coming from Wayfair tomorrow and Tuesday that should finish out the office, I'm planning on building the new garage shelves this weekend and getting that wrapped up and...

Oh yeah, I need to mow again. 

Joy. 

Take a thing off the list, add two more. 

But at least I finally sat down and put some words on the screen. Hopefully I'll do that a few more times this month as well!

Supply Chain Issue...

"What?"

"It's a supply chain issue."

"I heard you. I mean, I heard the words. But what? It's a supply chain issue?"

"Yeah. You know how it is. So much is delayed lately. Supply chain issue."

"How in the world can this be a supply chain issue?"

"Umm, hello? Global pandemic."

"Yeah. I know about that. But what does that have to do with this?"

"It's everything. You know how it is lately. Everything is tied. Also there is a war in Ukraine."

"What?"

"War. In Ukraine. Come on! You have to know that Russia invaded Ukraine right?"

"Of course I know that. But again, what?"

"War in Ukraine. Totally adding to the supply chain issues. Global energy prices."

"And all of this means?"

"I just told you. Supply chain issues. Global Pandemic. War in Ukraine."

"Ooohhhkay."

------------

"You seem really tired this morning."

"I am. I really could have used a refill on my coffee at breakfast but..."

"Supply chain issues?"

"Yeah...."


I'm working out something in my head with supply chain issues and the most ridiculous things tied to that reasoning. I've seen it as an excuse in more and more places where it really doesn't seem to fit so...

I'm not sure if this will go anywhere or not, but the idea is fun. 

Happy Pride!

Happy Pride!

What a weird thing to say in a way. It's not as weird as the people who say Happy Memorial Day, but it's still a little weird. 

Pride came from protest. Pride came from reaching a point where not being left alone to just BE became too much to bear. Pride was a riot. Pride was a reaction to police brutality. 

Pride is being able to stand up and say, "This is who I am." That's what Pride is. 

And so we celebrate Pride Month, or Pride Season, depending on where you live. We say Happy Pride and it sort of translates to Happy that you get to be you! Which, okay, sure. But what a real pisser that it still has to be a thing put in a month or a day or one parade or a drink special or a brand logo. Shouldn't it just be by this point? 

The origins of Pride were a push back on not being allowed to just be, and here we are, 50 years later, still pushing back. 

And this year? Wow. There is a lot to push against. Anti trans legislation popping up all over the country. Don't Say Gay flourishing through Florida. Seeing the old pedophilia trope getting dusted off and tossed out with the "GROOMER!" label.

Looking at a Supreme Court that is primed to overturn Obergefell. 

It's a lot. 

Like a lot, a lot. 

Obviously my family has a lot at stake here. It was a year ago yesterday that Katie told us she is trans. She had already started her HRT a week before that. She posted her year apart pictures this week. I can see a lot of changes in her face and in her body but it's still the change in her bearing that strikes me. She's just happier. Happy Pride, indeed.

We've also talked about the fact that I have been hesitant claim the bisexual mantel because I've only been in heterosexual relationships. I just feel like no Stonewall no Parade. But...on the other hand bisexual erasure is a thing that happens all the time (thank you, Cami, for the solid education on this). Because I can and do pass easily as just plain old hetero nobody assumes differently. Even though I've not hidden the fact that I have a crush on Charlize Theron (and Megan Rapinoe and Laverne Cox) or how watching Bound was (as cliché as this is) a real watershed moment for me. People are shocked when I say that I find all genders attractive. Even though I've been saying all along that I find all genders attractive. It's easier to discount what I say as just words and put me in the hetero box. 

Katie helped me understand that who I am with does not define who I am. And that not feeling "gay enough" is so common to bisexuals that it's just understood as normal in most queer communities. I am who I am and my husband and child are good with it, and I am as well. I've not had the challenges but I am still who I am. Who I find attractive has nothing to do with their gender. That's who I am.

So Happy Pride!

Welcome to June where corporations bring out their rainbow logos. Bigots rail against those rainbow logos and ask "where's my parade?" This June please pay attention to what else they do. The corporations and the bigots. Where are the dollars going? What laws are being rammed through Republican legislatures? What language is being used when discussing the LGBTQIA+ community? What are we at risk of losing? What is coming our way? How do we make sure we are ready to, once again, reinforce that it's not special rights, it's equal rights?

Are you ready to fight for the rights of everyone? Every. One.

Pride is Protest. 

Are you ready?

Happy Pride, everybody!