Rumor Has It...

I posted about the kicker from The Chiefs and his commencement speech on Facebook. 

What he said is a viewpoint that is held by a not insignificant amount of conservative Christians. It's not a big outlier.  And we should stop acting surprised every time one of them says it in a public or semi public forum. This is what the Christian Nationalist who are trying to take over our government believe. White men should hold all of the power. Women should support them. End of. 

And there are enough women who are raised with this indoctrination that they believe it to be true as well. In fact if you were to try to buy one of his jerseys right now the women's sizes are all sold out. And they vote for Republicans and try to ban books to save the children from the horrors of learning that not everyone believes what they believe.

And people get really complacent about it because we all know people who identify as Christian who aren't like that. I have friends and family who have their faith but don't fall into the line of women should only strive to be wives and mothers. Family who would go with us to a Pride parade and be lovely to Katie's girlfriend. Hell, who embraced Katie with love when she came out. But not all of them are like that. 

And just like people scream for moderate Muslims to condemn the violence when Al Qaeda attacks or when women are forced to wear burkas or girls are banned from schools, the moderate Christians need to start condemning these radical Christian Nationalists when they call for attacking the government, denying women healthcare, banning books and saying things like obviously men should be in charge. 

When they make speeches at commencements and decry LGBTQ2+ people, women with careers, men not being manly enough and on and on...you need to say something. 

The rumors have started that he had a homosexual relationship in college and then went to conversion therapy.

I don't know if he did or if he didn't, but it makes sense. Not just because his Instagram feed is the weirdest blend of look how good I look in a suit pictures paired with Bible verses I've ever seen but...

Conversion therapy never made anyone less gay. What it can do though is cause the self loathing to become more deeply ingrained. People end up cosplaying straight. Look how macho and masculine I am! I have a giant beard! Or as he said in his speech, don't be afraid to embrace your masculinity. 

And talking about how women should be most excited to be a wife and mother even though his own mother is a highly educated physicist and his sister is a doctor? Well one of the things that happens in a lot of conversion therapy is they are told that it's the mother's fault her boy is gay. 

See, she's usurped the role of the father. Either because she's a single mom, or because she's emasculated him by becoming the breadwinner, or too opinionated, or too competitive. If she were more docile then he would be able to be more manly and their dear boy would have had the right role model and wouldn't have ended up gay.

Mom's fault. 

So if you buy into that then yeah, you're going to refer to the billionaire your teammate is dating as "his girlfriend" while you quote the lyrics to one of her songs. You're going to get all choked up when you talk about how your wife has put her entire life toward making sure you are a success. You're going to tell a room full of women who just finished working their asses off to get their degrees that that is cute and all but just wait until they start their REAL calling of wife and mom. 

Also years of watching the most adamantly anti LGBTQ2+ people end up outed as gay makes this feel really plausible. 

Conversion therapy never made anyone less gay.
You cannot pray the gay away. 

What you can do is admit that if you believe your god doesn't make mistakes and you are the way you are and you believe your god made you then you are not a mistake. That maybe the people using the clobber verses against you are the ones making a mistake. Translation, theology, historical interpretation, picking and choosing which verse to take literally and which ones are metaphorical, or we realize are just based on the culture they lived in (slaves are a-okay for instance), those are the mistakes. Not you. You can keep your faith and also be fully you. 

And as you do, you need to make sure you are speaking out against the radicals who would like to force you to hate yourself just as much as they do. 

Regulate This...

We are having a disagreement with our HOA. It's the third time we've had a disagreement with this HOA in two years. Our last HOA we didn't really ever hear from. I think we had one request that was turned down and we knew going in it probably would be but wanted to ask anyway. (We wanted to add a few inches to our front porch, we figured out a way to do it that wouldn't have looked odd with the rest of the units but because it was something that wouldn't then match we got turned down. We would have rather not been, but it was a reasonable and expected turn down.)

But our luck has run out. We are going to be arguing with these guys for as long as we live here it seems. Which if they keep coming back to us with nonsense won't be terribly long. Brent will take the loss and move rather than fight. He has zero time for drama at all and petty drama especially. And if we do move, you can guarantee it will be someplace with no HOA. Which will be really hard to find. HOAs are very popular, even neighborhoods you would not expect them often have them. And you don't know until you are in if it's a low key HOA that you rarely hear from or a we drive down the street looking for violations HOA.

When we got the notice from them this past weekend Brent said "People are too worried about regulating things they shouldn't care about and have no concern with regulations that they should care about." Then he told me, "Feel free to use that as a Facebook status." Which I will not. Instead I'll write a whole blog about it. 

We talk a lot about the nonsense people worry about and want to make laws about. Obviously having a trans child we are especially sensitive to the number of anti trans laws that are popping up. And we tried to warn people that it had nothing to do with "think of the children" and everything to do with "I hate trans people" Now that you are seeing legislatures move on from trying to regulate underage people and on to trying to get rid of trans care all together you can send your "You were right and I never should have doubted you" messages.

And it really doesn't even have anything to do with trans people. It has to do with power and what the ruling classes will do to keep it. If they can find someone to focus your hate and attention on they will. Because they do not want you to look at them. 

They want to regulate everything they can about you. Your health care choices, your body autonomy, your life, so that you don't realize that what we should be regulating is them. How did they get their money? How are they able to increase their wealth at such a rate while people are starving? Why have we decided that being a billionaire is aspirational instead of a crime against humanity? 

How many times have you been watching the news and some multinational corporation has done something awful and you find out it was legal? How many times have you read about tax rates, ACTUAL tax rates, the amount people actually paid and found out the loopholes and deductibles that are allowed for bullshit? How many times have you uttered the phrase, "I can't believe that's legal?"

If they can keep you trying to regulate if there is a book that mentions gay penguins in your child's library they can keep you from noticing they are making huge profits on necessary healthcare and medications that should have long passed out of patent protection. 

We worry about regulations on things that just don't matter. 

Ask yourself basic questions as you try to monitor someone else's life. 

Does this hurt me?

Does this hurt anybody else?

Is this really my business? (if the answer to the first two questions is no then this one is also no)

Am I being a dick about this? (if all of the above are no and you are still insisting that you should have some sort of control, then yes, yes you are)

Let people live their lives. If it's not hurting you, if it's not hurting someone else, it's not your business and you need to move on. 

Self regulate. Leave everyone else alone. 

Rant Against the Machine...

Listening to Rage Against the Machine in the car this morning and Brent said, "It's gets harder to Rage when you are older. It's exhausting." I said,"I still rage." He said, "But do you? I mean like when you were younger? I mean you blog against the machine, sure." I told him "I generally call it ranting now. I Rant Against the Machine." He agreed that was it. Rant Against the Machine.

It's the same as raging, just with bad knees. And access to the machine. 

I think that a lot of times what needs to happen if you are a former rager, and are still ranting, you need to use your access to the machine to rage and rant from the inside. To disrupt the status. My way is to speak my mind and hope that the seeds of it take root. 

I hope that I move people off of their comfortable positions and make them wonder why they are comfortable. Who is suffering for their comfort. Is there something else they could be doing?

Could they be speaking out? Could they be stepping up and saying what needs to be said?

I look like the standard middle aged, middle class, soccer mom (or grandma). I look non threatening. I look like your best friend from third grade (if you are my age) or your best friend from third grade's mother. And because of that people aren't threatened. They let their guard down. They lean in to listen when I talk. Because clearly nothing that I say is going to be threatening to them.

And I keep using the word threatening because that's the reaction you get when you are trying to foment change. People are threatened. When you live your life comfortably, when you understand all the rules and the way the system works and someone comes in and says, yeah but no...you get uncomfortable. You feel like someone is trying to take something from you. You feel threatened.

And people who want the status quo to stay the same, or to go back in time to when it was even more geared toward people like them being super comfortable, those people are going to work really hard to make it seem like a real threat. They say things like gun control means gun confiscation and then the government can do whatever they want to you! They control you with fear of things that would be good for you, like vaccines. Because if they can get you scared of everything then you are easier to control and focus.

The machine is working overtime right now to instill fear. It's targeting everyone who isn't them. People of color. People in the LBTQIA+ community, with special focus on trans people and extra special focus on trans women. If they can point at someone who is different and get focus on them then it's easier to keep everyone else in line. 

For a few reasons. But mainly because part of you knows that once they "take care" of them they are going to need a new target. And how far off the main are you? Are you the next edge? Are you the next focus? How comfortable are you really? And if you are a woman, conservative or no, you should be worried. Because you're next. Not even next, they are coming for you right now, just the first rumblings don't seem like they are specifically just because you are woman and clearly inferior. They are couching it in reproductive rights, but it's all based on the patriarchy wanting to keep their place and control yours.

Speak out. 

My name is Denise, I use she/her pronouns. I believe in body autonomy and privacy in health care. I think the real threat to society right now is the growing fascination with fascism and authoritarianism wrapped in Christian Nationalism. I believe the government should work for the people not rule the people. I think we all need to get back to remembering what enough is and stop hero worshipping those that are hoarding more and more. And I will continue to rant against the machine for as long as I can. 

Rant on. 

Don't Tweet...

"I do think there is an anti-Christian bias in Hollywood. As soon as the David character in “The Last of Us” started reading from the Bible I knew that he was going to be a horrific villain. Could there be a Bible-reading preacher on a show who is actually loving and kind?" Rainn Wilson Tweet

"Of course it’s true that the evangelical/political coalition is doing a great deal of damage to our country. Banning books - banning freedoms - denying inconvenient science, taking a grotesque anti-LGBTQ+ platform…But most Christians that I know are kind, accepting and loving and seeking to make the world a better place. They should also be honored in the media." More from Mr. Wilson

The number of people on TV and in movies that are these good Christians he wants to see represented is practically immeasurable. Because it's assumed that most people are religious. It's not odd for a character to talk about going to church, or saying they will pray for someone, or seeing a crucifix hung on a wall in a house or have a character wearing a gold cross. It's all just background. We don't notice because it's ubiquitous in our American culture to see religion constantly. 

His second tweet also explains his first. Why oh why is the bible reading preacher a red flag that this is going to be a bad guy? Well...yeah, the book banning, the homophobia, the anti trans movement, the sexism the generalized bigotry, all of that makes it pretty easy to see why we will probably assume someone coming in to a story like that is going to be the bad guy. Now, as an aside, David makes it clear that he is not actually a Christian, that he recognized that it would be easier to control people if he couched it in religion. Which, yeah. 

Slavery. Hitting your kids. Women being less than men. Anti trans, anti gay, almost any generalized bigotry. They've all been justified by using bible verses. The bible itself has been rewritten and edited at times to further the people in power's agendas. But do go on about how it's Hollywood pushing the narrative and not history. 

And I do get his inclination to wanting to see his friends better represented. I have family and friends who fall into the really decent people who are also religious camp. Like, really religious. The ones who do pray for you every day and not in a condescending way but in a please protect and shower love on this person way. The ones who use their faith to guide their lives in positive directions. And his own faith (he's Baha'i) dictates that he wants to see the best in everyone, the unifying things we all hold. So I understand his "why can't we all get along" stance. 

But...

Right now there is an, to quote Rainn Wilson, "evangelical/political coalition {that} is doing a great deal of damage to our country. Banning books - banning freedoms - denying inconvenient science, taking a grotesque anti-LGBTQ+ platform" There are states right now trying to outlaw our daughter's existence. Who are using her as a scapegoat and target for all of their hate and discontent. So forgive me if my response to "oh won't someone think of the Christians" is fuck you. Fuck you and fuck them. I will worry more about Hollywood's representation of evangelicals when real life representation of evangelicals isn't so vile. 

Pride...

Last night the Winterhawks did their annual Pride game. They started it about three years ago. It's actually an initiative through the NHL and down to the WHL called "Hockey is for Everyone" Part of it is about being more inclusive because it's the right thing to do and part of it is making sure your customer base keeps growing because capitalism. 

So basically just like all Pride now. A bit of actual pride and a bit of overt consumerism. Take the good, take the bad...

I think most of us know that if you ever doubt the need for continuing Pride days, parades, and festivals all you have to do is look at the comments underneath a public Pride post. Yup..there is it. Bigots on parade. 

This year there was a lot more than there had been. And a lot of the old talking points. Calling homosexuality a mental disorder, for instance. Wow, haven't seen that one in a bit, but I guess the classics are classic for a reason. And then the whole "Stop shoving this down my throat!" which just makes me wonder why they are so fragile that a shirt is the same as, oh I don't know, having references to a god I don't believe in on my money, my country's anthem, the pledge, and every ending of a political speech. Wonder why you are so freaked out by a rainbow jersey while you don't even notice how many people wear crosses on a daily basis. It's constant. 

Still hasn't made me convert though, so I think you should understand that that rainbow, and even the acknowledgment that there are gay players, isn't going to somehow convert (or sorry, I guess the new nomenclature is groom) you or your kids.

But no matter how vile they got in the comments, and some of them went full bore vile, The Winterhawks did Pride. They had new t-shirts and hoodies and replica jerseys in the team store. We went down early to make sure we could get what we wanted. And even then I have a larger hoodie than I would have bought because they were already sold out of my size. We stood in line at the team store for 20 minutes before we could check out. Which is amazing because according to a lot of people in the comments "Nobody wants  this." Hunh...just me and my nobodies hanging out in line. 

There were people at the game having a great time that we don't normally see. Seems like if you advertise that this is a space for you, people feel freer to come. Kind of wrecks a lot of the "Why do you even need a Pride night, nobody said they couldn't be there" argument. 

And then the Winterhawks did something that I thought was brilliant and Brent thought was actually really bold too. Drag Queens. Right at the entrance. Three local queens in Rosebud (the cheer team) outfits greeting everyone as they came in. Drag Queens are such a flash point right now. Somehow I'm supposed to be scared one of them might sit me down and tell me a story... But as a middle aged, white, lady, I am powerless in the face of a Drag Queen. Seriously, just like catnip! YASS QUEENS! When they changed into their sparkled finery to ride the Fanboni during the first intermission I was THRILLED. 

And I am glad the Winterhawks and their new ownership have gone further than just a little bit of rainbow tape on the sticks during warmup and a new t-shirt. I'm glad they have had people come talk with the players about what it's like to be gay in a sport that hasn't been traditionally open, and quite frankly has had a lot of homophobic rhetoric used towards players. (Which is probably most men's sports) I'm glad that there was a good sized crowd last night and that the new merchandise was pretty. 

I'm glad they had representatives there from local groups that support the LGBTQIA2S+ community. I was able to make a donation to a group that is working with trans youth to help give them much needed support right now. 

I'm also glad that I recognized one of the nasty posters from the comment section at the game and that he and his wife both looked miserable. What a shitty moment for them. Posting about how nobody likes this, how nobody needs this, how if you go woke you go broke and then to be surrounding by so many people smiling and laughing and having a great time all while wearing the new merchandise, or their own rainbows. I hope it burns the hate right out of them, or at least, you know, burns. 

It was a good night. The special jerseys looked sharp. The new merchandise was fun and colorful. And we won 6-3. Just a good night all around. 

Go Hawks!

They even had pretty stickers.

 

Teach Your Children Well...

Brief exchange with a friend this morning about high school drama (as in plays not as in whatever it is that Becky thinks she's doing) and realized that I would hate school now. 

I didn't quite hate it when I was in high school. I would have had to care more to hate it. 

It's always one of those regret things. I wish I would have handled it differently. I wish I would have advocated for myself a little more, gotten into classes that were more challenging and interesting. I wish I hadn't had prerequisites that had to be filled before I could take the more interesting things. But I'm also really grateful that I missed what we do with school now. 

See the only thing that really kept me engaged at all was the plethora of English credits I accumulated by taking Drama and Speech and Journalism. I was able to sample a few of those things and I enjoyed them. Also since I needed to be at the school to work on whatever play we were currently doing I might as well make it to a few classes. If it hadn't been for that I'm not sure I would have graduated. I could imagine getting my GED and moving on. 

Like I said, hate would be strong, but I was apathetic to the point where I couldn't bother to make it to class very often. I still was able to keep my grades up (the boredom issue) and it wasn't until our class graduated that the mandatory attendance numbers were put in place (one of my lasting legacy moments, though to be fair our entire graduating class was not so diligent about attendance). 

But now? Now that all of the classes are geared toward the standardized tests? And if you are testing well then you get to do AP classes that are geared toward another test? Oh my gosh I cannot even imagine how much I would hate that. 

Because why? Why do I need to learn the things on that standardized test? Why do most people? Why are we teaching test taking instead of how to learn? How to process information? How to actually figure out what you believe and why?

I know none of this is new. We all complain about it a lot, but today was one of the first times I stopped and thought about it as it pertains to me. To who I was in school. To the fact that I would have been lost to the system. And I was a bright student. I was not the student that you think of as faltering. The ones who struggle. But it would have been a struggle for me. It would have soured me on school forever. I mean high school when I went almost did that, I cannot even imagine how much worse it would be now, testing from elementary school on. No chance at all to explore other areas to find things that are interesting and engaging. 

How many people are we losing in the system right now? I already know from my friends how many teachers we are losing. The burn out level is high. They are facing it daily. Administrations that are rigid in how and what has to be taught. Kids who listen to their parents talk about how teachers are overpaid and get so much time off and why are they complaining about their jobs and so the kids treat their teachers with the level of respect that sort of talk breeds. And the kids who are BORED out of their fucking minds having to learn to a test that they could ace right now, or have no need to ace ever. 

For kids like I was our education system has been stripped of the things that make it worth being there. It has been narrowed down to a space that doesn't even make sense for the majority of people. Not everyone needs to know calculus, but everyone needs to know how to process information. Not everyone needs to learn geology but we should all have a good handle on geography. Not everyone needs to speak a foreign language (though it's a good one to encourage) but we should all have a good handle on our actual history. And we should have art, drama, music, shop, mechanics, creative writing, A/V, all of those extras that capture a kid's imagination and then springboards them into more.

I mean if you are loving music and you find out that math is just music you are going to have an easier time. If you are loving your art classes and realize how geometry will make your art better you will study it much more willingly. If you are interested in being a fine actor and realize having a multitude of accents at your disposal will increase your odds then foreign language study becomes very exciting. 

We need to look at our reasons for what we are teaching, and beating the Chinese in standardized testing is a lousy reason, and we need to look at how we are encouraging our kids to learn. 

I know, we all have varied ideas on what school should be, but for me? What we are doing right now? It wouldn't have worked. I wouldn't have made it. 

Would you? 

Straight Hate...

We used to live in Colorado Springs. I hated it there. From almost the moment we arrived until we left. I've written about it before. That there were some really good things that happened because we were in Colorado Springs and even with those positives I hated it there. 

When we got back to Portland I was walking to lunch with a co-worker who had been at a friend of his going away party the night before. He said that it was funny and a weird coincidence considering we had just moved back but she was moving to Colorado Springs. I told him that I knew it was probably too late but that he should tell her that if she liked it in Portland she was going to hate it in Colorado Springs. She did. And she moved back as well.

I knew I would love our realtor down there when she pulled up in a car that had a bumper sticker reading "Focus On Your Own Family" She knew that it would actually limit her customer base and put it on there anyway. Outstanding. 

The number of times I got to answer the question "And where do you all go to church?" lead me to come up with more and more creative answers depending on my mood. The quick one was "We don't." the I'm already tired of you one was "God and I have a deal, he doesn't come in to my house and I don't go into his." And then there was the Boy Scouts discussion as to why my child wasn't going to join. Everyone was in the Boy Scouts. Well, everyone who wasn't gay that is and as long as they were going to discriminate I was going to be discriminating. 

We were living in Colorado Springs on 9/11. I did not immediately run out and buy a giant flag magnet to put on my car. I didn't get the window flags. I didn't put multiple flags out on my lawn. I didn't put on a flag lapel pin. I didn't start singing "God Bless the USA" while in line for groceries. And I got called a few names because of it. Even though I come from a multi-generational military family. But, you know, buy the flags or the terrorists win. 

What I'm saying is that Colorado Springs was so conservative it chaffed. I was never comfortable there. I was always on edge. Waiting for the conversation to turn to an area where I was going to be the lone voice in the room saying, "Well...no." The home of the Air Force Academy. The home of Focus on the Family. Which at the time was really pushing gay conversion therapy. 

I mean right up until one of their lead ministers was found in a hotel room in Denver with a young man. 

Which is so fucking typical it's almost expected now. The harder, louder, and more passionate they are about preaching against homosexuality the more you are pretty sure they are deep in the closet. Or not so deep. Only in the closet on Sunday mornings, but oh those Saturday nights...

If you talk to a trans person who is political they will let you know that the end game of the conservative agenda is their death. And the first time you hear that you sort of balk. Like, "no, that's not right they just..." and then you break it down. What do they just, exactly?

Like Texas. When they passed their trans exclusion laws for school sports they didn't have enough votes to override a veto. Which Abbot did. He made a speech about the high suicide rate among trans kids. About how if they have someplace they can feel safe and like they belong those rates plummet. And that school sports is one of those spaces. Even just knowing they could play makes a difference though he had looked into it and it was going to target something like 3 students in their whole school system. Three kids in all of Texas. And he felt the damage, the potential for higher numbers of suicides was much higher than the potential damage of a cis girl missing a spot on a team because a trans girl got it. Once he laid out the compassionate, this will cause the deaths of trans kids arguments the Republicans gained enough votes to override the veto. 

Just excluding kids from sports wasn't quite enough. Being told it might actually cause a few of them to kill themselves? Well that was great. 

And I mean, it's not just sports. It's also about bathrooms right? And safety concerns. Which, you know what? I totally get it. Yesterday Katie and I went to the movies. Long movie and we both needed the restroom after it was over. One of us went pee, washed their hands and then took the measure of everyone else in the bathroom at that moment. Sizing up everyone. Who would be a challenge in a physical confrontation and who would go down easily? Which person would be the one who needed taken down first? One of us was ready just incase yesterday someone chose violence. I mean, it wasn't Katie. She did something so weird, according to conservatives, she went pee, washed her hands and left. Didn't even consider for a second if the younger woman or the older woman with the big purse would be more of a challenge. Hunh...

And Republicans aren't even happy with just excluding trans kids from sports and monitoring where they pee they want to make sure that they are denied medical care. Again, study after study shows that gender affirming care saves lives. Even just something as simple as calling someone by the name they prefer and using the pronouns they prefer can make a difference. That's without any medical intervention at all. Which a lot of trans kids don't do any sort of physical intervention, but the laws that are being passed prevent any and all treatment. Not just the very scary sounding surgeries, but all gender affirming care. Which would include counseling, unless, of course it was conversion therapy style counseling. 

I was reading a "very concerned" article yesterday about people de-transitioning. And how we need to make sure our kids aren't becoming trans as a trend. Which, you know, if it were a sincere concern I'd entertain a discussion on it. But they tell on themselves when you read their arguments. This was about a trend upward in numbers of AFBs transitioning. And top surgery in particular. They had their poster child for regretting it, she had transitioned as a teen and her problems did not go away once she changed her name and pronouns and has de-transitioned and now regretted getting top surgery. She was never going to be able to breastfeed a child should she have one now. 

But the problem with their won't someone think of the children argument is she had her top surgery at 18. 

She wouldn't have been "saved" from these laws making it illegal for parents and doctors and kids to make their own choices. 

So weird that they are so concerned about top surgery for an 18 year old but not out protesting a 16 year old getting a boob job for her birthday. Or a 17 year getting one for high school graduation. I mean, talk about sexualizing our kids. Where is your outrage here? 

And, again, I'm sorry she regrets her choice. But it was her choice. And she's alive to regret it. 

When you trot out a story about someone who regrets their transition but ignore that people who feel they cannot transition are more likely to take their own lives you are telling me that are more worried about a cis kid with regrets than a dead trans kid. 

The end game of the Republican Conservative Trans Agenda is the death of trans people. 

And when they constantly trot out the "groomer" lines about trans and gay people, when they clutch their pearls and fret over drag queen story hours, when they bang the drum about how the LGBTQ+ community is COMING FOR YOUR CHILDREN they get the death they so crave. 

They get people with guns going to gay clubs and shooting the place up. 

They get kids who are so scared about telling their conservative parents that they are the thing they hate that they choose death.

I was a teenager in the 80s. I heard, in my own church, the almost gleeful tones of AIDS being God's punishment for the gays. Better dead. I've read and heard speeches by today's GOP of groomers and molesters and men in dresses hiding in bathrooms. Better dead. I've seen the "thoughts and prayers" posts after the shooting on Saturday but not the "I will search my heart and change my rhetoric"ones. Better dead.

Pay attention to what is being said. To what the end game is. It will make you sick to your stomach. Or it should anyway. 

I hated living in Colorado Springs. I wish it was only Colorado Springs that was this hateful. 

They're Just Words...

I was a pretty smart kid. I was reading by the age of two. And once I started reading I never stopped. I was the kid reading the back of the cereal boxes at breakfast. I've read a lot of the car manuals that used to reside in everyone's glove boxes. I always had a book and a spare book when I was traveling. Now with my Kindle and the Kindle app I have a library at my fingertips at all times. 

Voracious is the word that was most often used. 

I was a voracious reader. 

But being a voracious reader at a young age did not stop me from being a child as well. And a child who believed that if it was in a newspaper it had to be true. Which was a problem considering my mother bought The Globe, The Star and The National Enquirer every time there was a new issue out. I honestly believed that Elvis was still alive, that aliens walked among us and that celebrities were doing whatever those articles said they were doing. 

When I realized (somewhere in my tween or teen years) that these articles were completely made up I was really mad. Mad that they were allowed to do it. Mad that my mother bought them and brought them into the house. Mad that I had been dumb enough to believe it. Though I eventually gave myself grace for that last one. I wasn't dumb, I was naive, I was uninformed. As for my mother? She believed a lot of it and thought that there wasn't any harm in the rest. I would ask her which parts she decided to believe and she said the true ones. 

Looking back later it was much like our break on religion. She believed the true parts and disregarded the rest (though she would tell you it was all true). I felt like either it was all true or none of it was true (though I will say you can take isolated stories and use the messages from them). 

I write now. Not only here but I'm known to do a rant or two on my Facebook status. And more than once I've had those shared. Either the blog itself or my status update. Now because of my privacy settings there it has to be a copy and paste. And some people will share it with "My friend Denise wrote this and I agree so..." or they will just post it as if it were their own words. I've even had statuses that were shared and reshared through those friends. My words loose in the wild. 

Because people agreed with what I'd written. 

Because it struck a chord with them. 

And that's great. It means that a message I thought was important enough to write about is getting spread further. Amplified. 

What we say matters. 
What we amplify matters.

Words fucking matter.

So when I see someone try to justify something as "It was just a joke." or "It was a meme" or "It was just a retweet" as if that doesn't mean you just spread something, dishonest, hateful, wrong it makes me furious. 

I'd like to say it just bothers me a little, but it doesn't, it makes me furious. 

It's just so disingenuous. 

If you didn't believe it you wouldn't say it. You wouldn't make the joke. You wouldn't share the meme. You wouldn't retweet the post. Words matter. 

And you know that. 

The defensive posturing of "it's only" comes in because you are being a chicken shit and trying to couch your bullshit in deniability. So miss with me with that. 

I don't care if you're famous or if you have two people who follow your messages. You have a responsibility for what you share. What you post. What you retweet. What you meme. That's on you. And if someone calls you on it you need to own that. Not try and weasel out of it with "I just...."

You just spread bullshit into the world and someone called you on it. That's what you just...

And for fuck's sake do no defend people by using those excuses either. They just retweeted something they didn't even add a comment. THE RETWEET IS THE COMMENT. Retweeting, reposting, repeating something is saying, "I agree with this" or "I think this is something you should see" IF you are sharing something because there is an idea in there that you agree with but there are also things you don't then you clarify that at the time of posting. 

I've done that. Shared opinion pieces where I've said something like, "I disagree with this point but I think there is something interesting about that point." It's important to clarify. If there is a message that you feel needs addressed, or that you think is an interesting take on something that you hadn't ever considered then you highlight that. It's your responsibility. 

And I know we live in a society that doesn't want there to be responsibility for actions or words or choices. Instead of demanding people take responsibility for what they said we rail against cancel culture. We whine that nobody can take a joke instead of saying why should I take any shit from you? Just because you are laughing at me doesn't mean I have to think it's funny. We want all of the rights of free speech and none of the responsibility that goes along with it. 

Your right to free speech means the government isn't censoring you or jailing you or having you executed for what you are saying. And even that isn't absolute. There are limits that have been reaffirmed over and over again on areas where free speech doesn't cover you. You can't incite a riot or political violence. 

Your responsibility around speech is that you don't spread bullshit and lies and hate. When I call you out on it, I'm not canceling you. I'm calling you out. I'm not a snowflake who can't handle the truth, I'm a fucking ice pick who can't stand the lies. 

Stop playing victim about something that you did yourself. Stop defending people who are doing it to themselves. And for the love of all that you hold dear stop being an asshole about what you post. 

It's not that other people are too sensitive, it's that you posted bullshit. 

It's not that you just put it out there and it's up to everyone else what they think, it's that you spread manure across a path and told people it wasn't your fault if they walked in it. 

It's not just a meme. It's not just a joke. It's not just a retweet. Words fucking matter. 

Use them wisely.

And when you post something that you honestly didn't realize was: transphobic, homophobic, antisemitic, racist, sexist, misogynistic, bigoted, and someone points it out to you then you apologize. You can even say in your apology that you didn't realize but now that someone has let you know you are sorry to have caused pain, even accidentally. You don't have to get defensive and claim you aren't; a transphobe, homophobe, antisemite, racist, sexist, misogynist, bigot. You might not be, or you might be. But what you posted is the problem, so fix that problem. Stop being such a fucking snowflake.

That's your responsibility. 

Did I mention it makes me furious?

Aged to Perfection...

I have a theory that as you age you don't really change, you just become a more distilled version of yourself.

That you are basically who you are your whole life, and you try at different points in time to maybe soften the edges, or present a little differently but as you get older all of the parts that aren't really you just sort of slough off until you are the most basic crystalline pure version of yourself.

You hear people talk about it when they hit their 40s. The relief they feel when they stop giving so many fucks about what other people think of them. And that just carries forward. If you think you don't care at 40 wait until 50, and I've been told 70 is pure no fucks to give gold.

Part of what can happen though is you start to be sure you are always right. That your way of thinking is the correct one. That you have nothing left to learn, just an abundance of advice to dole out. 

Looking at my "on this day" feed always gives me examples of that. 

I tend to do things my own way. I march to beat of my own xylophone player. Over the years I have received a lot of comments from mostly older men, not always but typically, that I should do something else. That I need to get a life, a hobby, a job. Basically stop doing what ever it is that I'm doing and do what they think I should be doing. 

When I was younger that sort of thing could send me into an existential crisis. Am I not doing what I should be doing? What should I actually be doing? Why isn't what I'm doing an okay thing to do? What is wrong with me? As I aged my responses changed to telling them they could get a life, hobby or job but I was fine with what I was doing. Thanks and ta. 

I also tend to have a very colorful (blue is a color) vocabulary and I have received a lot of comments from women, not always women but typically women, that are tone policing me. Don't say that. Don't use those words. I won't engage with a potty mouth. How very dare you...Basically don't talk the way you talk because I don't like it. 

When I was younger, much younger, I might apologize for offensive language. But the weak apology, "Sorry that offended you" not actually being sorry for what I did, but that they were offended. When I got a little older I stopped apologizing. I would let them know if they couldn't get past the language to the actual message then I was not the person they should be having a conversation with. 

Both of those things are ways people shut down discussion and conversation. The "I know best and don't approve of what you are doing" messages. Just presented in different ways. Older people locking into the "in my day we..." and never moving past it. In my day women didn't swear and they sure as hell didn't color in coloring books or play online games or jump in rain puddles! And because I don't think those things should happen I will loudly tell you that you shouldn't do them and act like it's wisdom from above. 

Now, I'm not saying you have to get rigid and never learn anything new once you get older, but that does happen. Not always though.

For me, for instance, a huge part of who I am, is questioning things. Why? Why is that like that? How? How does that work? What? What can I do to make things better or easier? That hasn't changed at all. In fact I think I've gotten more inquisitive. The more I learn the more I know I don't know. 

As I've gotten older I've become more and more me, and more and more comfortable with the idea that I don't have all of the answers. What I do know I feel like I really know, right up until I read something, or have a discussion with someone, or watch a documentary that upends it all. I am super comfortable being in a state of constant learning. And exclaiming things like "Holy shit! I didn't know that!" when I do learn something new. Just pure crystalized me. 

I'm also really aware of the aging people around me and what they are crystalizing into. And some of it isn't pretty. Calcified shit is the worst shit. 

Now I just have to find out why this happens, what is going on in our heads, and how we can stop being so rigid in our thinking.

I've Got Your Cancel Culture Right Here...

Liberal.
PC.
Woke.

These are all things I've been called in my life. Things I've been called by people that think they are insulting me. 

Okay...

I am liberal. I'm a progressive. I believe we should always be moving forward or we stagnate and rot at the roots. That when you know better you do better, Rest in Power, Ms. Angelou.

PC has always struck me as an odd one as well. Politically Correct. Like being politically incorrect is a good thing. Like being incorrect at all is a good thing. I will also say that when I think of PC it is usually really easy to swap in Practicing Courtesy and see what it really means. 

Woke. So you'd rather be asleep? You'd rather continue to walk through the world with your eyes closed to other experiences? Your comfort at the cost of someone else being acknowledged. Interesting choice. 

Now people are on and on about cancel culture and how it's just the worst thing ever. No due process! Too easy to abuse! How dare you say someone can't have a different opinion! Blah blah blah...

What do all of these things have in common? The Right uses them as scare tactics. They say a word over and over again until it loses its real meaning and becomes a bad thing. They manipulate the message until you are the bad guy for expecting people to be decent to each other. 

Oh, are you triggered by that? Let me drink your liberal tears...

No, asshole, I have no tears for you, I just want you to stop being an asshole. 

Because really that's all most of that is. Your pronouns are different than what they used to be? Okay. I'll change the way I refer to you. Because I'm not an asshole. You are tired of seeing your race used as as a mascot for a sports team? Okay. Let's change the mascot. Because I'm not an asshole. You are offended by that word or phrase or inaccurate historical presentation? Okay. Let's stop using that word, that phrase, and start teaching the actual history. Because I'm not an asshole. But what if you don't want to change and you want to be an asshole, but you don't want to cop to being an asshole then you say you aren't Woke, you won't give in to this liberal PC bullshit. And oh no now the cancel culture people will be after you!

Cancel culture is actually consequences culture. And let's be real here, there aren't very many consequences and people don't get canceled for long. If you can even count some people will stop giving you money or attention while other people will give you more money and attention as cancelling. 

The Right is really good at this. They always have been. Part of that is they control the main sources of media. Oh I know, they will tell you that they don't and it's that demon liberal media, but who owns the media? Big corporations. And who owns big corporations? So yeah...When The New York Times writes its 20th column on the dangers of cancel culture keep that in mind. 

When you see an onslaught of opinion pieces and memes and bot posts about how Amber Heard proved that the Me Too movement was bunk, try and notice where they are coming from. And listen to the quiet voices pointing out that she got her restraining order years before Me Too took off. And the times it was left to a judge to decide he was in the wrong (restraining order, the 12 out of 14 but you are though points from the the case in England where he tried to sue for the article that said he was abusive). It took a jury, a not sequestered jury in the US to give him one victory out of three.

And who was one of the first to post a 'yippee he won' post? The Republican party. Why? Because they are trying to turn Me Too into a bad thing. The case never should have been a public discussion. It never should have been must see TV. But someone made it that way. Someone convinced you that the last few movies he made were genius instead of 'what the hell is he doing?' Someone left out the details of his work ethic, the current case against him by a crew member he hit, the production costs from when he just wouldn't show up, that was all put to wayside so Amber Heard is proving the Me Too movement is a witch hunt narrative could take place. 

The Right is really good at this. 

And part of that is because Liberals really do just want everyone to get along. It's why we are willing to change pronouns and mascots and history lessons. Is what was happening before hurtful? Well, let's stop that. And the Right capitalizes on that and weaponizes that. Co-opts it as something to be mocked or unabashedly use it to mean something else. Anti-vaxxers using My Body My Choice, for instance.

And when liberals aren't hoping everyone could just get along they are willing to take in new information and make different decisions. It's part of what being progressive is, right? You want to keep changing and moving and seeing what you can learn. Well, if you keep getting told something you actually start to believe it, no matter if it's true or not. Look at the number of people who were concerned about Clinton's emails, for instance. 

It's fucking exhausting. 

I'll probably write one more piece about these issues. Something more specific. But I really wanted to get this general DON'T LET THEM CONTROL EVERY FUCKING NARRATIVE message out there. 

Being aware of other people's needs is a good thing. 
Not being an asshole is a good thing.
Not giving attention to assholes is a good thing. 

You don't have to be a pushover, you don't have to be soft, you don't even have to be sweet and docile. 

I mean, hello...

Just don't be an asshole. 

And ask who is telling you that cancel culture is a threat? Who is telling you that Wokeness is ruining the world? Who is telling you that being PC is just the worst thing ever? Pay attention to the messenger then question the message. 

I'm a liberal.
I'm progressive.
I try really hard to be PC and woke. 

And I will cancel your shit if it needs canceled. 

Choice...

I was going to write yesterday but I needed to sit with everything for a day. I needed to find a space to have something more to say than, "Those motherfuckers"

So here we are a little over 24 hours later and...

I'm still angry. 

I mean we knew it was coming. The leaked draft was intended to harden those justices that might be on the fence. To make sure they could feel righteous about voting to take away rights. It was supposed to put Roberts in the corner and force his vote to over turn Roe as well. That part didn't work. He was still trying for incremental repeal, but the hyper-conservative Supreme Court did hyper-conservative Supreme Court things and overturned it. 

It's been weird to watch members of Congress act shocked that they were lied to during their confirmation hearings. That the ones that voted to overturn Roe swore that it was settled law and there was no way they would overturn it. I mean, I knew they were lying, you knew they were lying, why would anyone be shocked they were lying? The whole reason they made The Federalist's list was because they said they would overturn Roe given the chance. Fucking Kavanaugh lied about shit he didn't need to, of course he lied about Roe. The ends justify the means. That's the playbook here. 

And, honestly, any member of Congress acting shocked now is lying as well. They knew. 

I hate the "It's up to the States" rhetoric that is coming out. It's a medical privacy issue. The government shouldn't be involved at any level. The Federal legality of it made it so the States couldn't tell you that you couldn't get the procedure. That's what being legal meant. And as soon as Roe passed it started to get chipped away at. Oh you can have an abortion at this point but not at that one. Oh you can get one for this reason and not that one. Oh I support choice in these circumstances and not those. 

I've written about abortion a number of times. You are either in favor of personal health care being a private discussion between a patient and a doctor or you are about controlling care that people can get. Oh I know, there are those of you out there sputtering "But but but vaccines!" and I'm going to sputter back at you, I'm consistent. I do not believe you should be forced to get vaccinated. BUT...I do believe that organizations and venues can require you to have been vaccinated to attend or to work there. I know a lot of you don't see the difference and think that not being allowed to go where ever you want at all times means you're being forced to do something, but it doesn't. It means you pay the consequence for not doing something and if you believe in it strongly, then you should be fine with that. 

I don't want to force care on you, but I don't want your lack of care to force disease on me. And since I can't catch pregnancy from a pregnant person breathing on me I don't care what choice they make. 

And Roe is the blueprint for a number of decisions that followed. Privacy and autonomy and equal protection. All of that is up in the air now. 

Thomas lined it out; birth control, marriage equality and criminalization of homosexuality, now he conveniently left Loving off his list of decisions to destroy. Imagine that. The one that directly affects him he's pretty sure shouldn't be a states rights issue. 

Alito wanted to make sure he let everyone know this decision was only about Roe and wouldn't mean they were looking at anything else and I mean he wouldn't lie about that right? 

Oh wait. 

Yeah. They all lied. So...

This Supreme Court is going to be an historic one. Either one that is looked at for horrific rulings or as the last standing court before the United States went full Christian Nationalism. 

I'm still very angry. 

I'm very worried. Not just for the next generation who finds themselves pregnant and without options, but also for what comes next. Birth control as a whole is on the chopping block. Not just having less control over your own body and your own decisions on procreation but having none. Just cross your fingers and hope. 

And then there are all of the rights for the LGBTQiA+ community. Those are new and freshly won. Imagine how much easier they are to trash than a 50 year precedent founding right was. We've already seen a targeted attack on the trans community, you think the ultra-conservatives will be happy stopping there? 

The majority of people that live in the United States are not in favor of rolling back these rights. Over 60% supported Roe v. Wade, and more than that supported a more limited version of Roe without completely overturning. Marriage equality also gets majority support. But none of that matters because the Supreme Court has been stacked by the Republican party. Five out of nine justices put on the court by a president that initially lost the popular vote (two of them were from Bush's second term where he won the popular vote in his re-election, but he still took office the first time under Electoral College rules). Out of the three Trump justices one was stolen from Obama's term and if you believed it was right to hold that nomination until after the election then the third was stolen from Biden. 

We are in minority majority rule territory. We've lost the courts thanks to McConnell's machinations. The Republican party that is in power right now is much more conservative than the majority of the population of the United States. But still we are living under their rules. And it is probably going to get worse. If they take back the majority in Congress look for nothing at all to get done in Biden's last two years except Hunter Biden investigations, and voter fraud investigations, nothing will be found, but the point isn't to find an issue, it's to make people think there must be an issue or there wouldn't be so many investigations! (but her emails...)

And when a Republican president enters the Oval Office in January 2025 that door shuts on free and fair elections. Done. Over. 

Christian Nationalism Authoritarian rule. 

A lot of us have seen it coming and have been told we were over reacting, it could never happen, there are too many safeguards in place. Not noticing that the safe guards were really just agreements not to behave badly and once you got someone in office who showed there are no consequences for breaking all of the norms there was no reason for anyone to follow them again. 

So yeah, I sat with yesterday's decision before writing anything so I wouldn't just say, "Those motherfuckers" but maybe that would have been more uplifting?

I do want to touch on one more thing here really quickly before I wrap up this piece.

A lot of people are ready to step in and help, and I think that's wonderful and great. But I do want people to understand what that might mean. There is always a record of what you do. Brent and I have been donating to organizations that help people with all of their healthcare decisions and travel arrangements as necessary for awhile. Someone somewhere can track that information. I post about issues all of the time. That's easy to track as well. Helping out, even saying you want to help, can come with a price.

I'll back up here a bit...

For awhile when there was a lot of violence toward Muslim Americans people took to wearing safety pins to show they were a safe person to be next to, a person they could turn to if they were being bothered in public. It's a great idea. Unless you've never been hit in the face. And most people have never been hit in the face. Saying you will step in to situation where violence could potentially happen is a strong statement, but are you really prepared for what that means? Locally we had an incident on a Max train where two young women were being harassed and three people stepped in and they were stabbed. Two of them died. 

If the Republican party has their way and abortion gets a federal ban, gay rights are abolished and criminalized, you have to make a decision. Are you willing to be held to account? I made the joke on my timeline yesterday that in our new live action Handmaid's Tale world I guessed I would be a Martha or on The Wall. 

It's only slightly a joke. I know there are a lot of people out there saying it's an overreaction, but is it? Have we not been taking giant steps backwards? I firmly believe this is the last desperate grasp for power from the people who have always held it. I'm just not sure if it will be successful or not. At least in the balance of my life. 

Corner an animal and they bite. 

Are you willing to be bitten?

Me? I've been hit in the face a few times. It sucks. But I'll stand with you, with us, publicly and loudly until they put me on The Wall. And then I want you to tell everyone how I got there. Whisper it for your safety if you have to, but let them know, someone was there. 

It's not just those motherfuckers...

Picking Sides...

So one blog in April. Considering how busy April was I'm taking that as a win. Trying to settle into a new routine here at the new house, it won't happen until next week, but I've got a plan. 

This is actually one of the best times to form a new habit. Any time you break your standing routine it's a good opportunity to sub in a new one. Try it. You don't have to wait until you move house, you can do it if you are on vacation, or if you have to get up at a different time for a stretch, anything that breaks you out of your normal routine. Want to floss more? When you go on vacation, pack your floss and make sure you do it every night before bed, or first thing in the morning, but either way it will be easier to set up a new routine when your old one is busted. For me I am going to set up a new schedule for my daily routine and make sure I block in writing time again. 

Next week. Today is just bonus because I want to write about something that is bugging me right now and get it out of my head.

How do you choose sides? I don't mean in the big things where there is clearly a right and a wrong for your own moral code, but in random things that come up. People tend to choose sides no matter the situation and sometimes I wonder why that choice is made. 

Right now the celebrity gossip is all caught up in the Depp/Heard trial. She wrote an op-ed, he says it damaged his career. He's suing. They are both testifying and the internet world has taken sides. Or mainly side. Like the majority of what you see is that she's awful and he's been defamed and isn't it terrible what's happened to him?

There is the take that her claiming he abused her sets back actual abused people. But why though? Even if she is lying why would her lie damage everyone else? I mean I have a theory and I'll circle back to it. 

There is the take that we need to pay more attention to the fact that men can be abused too. And that is absolutely true. Men can and are the victims of abuse. The stats are more heavily tilted toward men being abusers (of their partners no matter the gender) but you do have cases where women abuse men and the men don't report because of the stigma. The patriarchy hurts everyone. 

There is the take that she should be drowned then burned then fucked. (that one from Mr. Depp himself.) He says it's from Monty Python, with the fucked part added for extra color I guess?

But I don't understand why the majority of people seem to take his side over hers? From what I've read she isn't great, don't get me wrong, but that doesn't make him an angel. They seemed to feed off of each other's particular form of toxicity and escalate.

I mean, he says that he would drink to blackout at times. But then claims that he knows he never hit her when he was blackout drunk. He also says that any injuries she had were self inflicted, which matches with what he said about the crew member who sued him for attacking him during a drunken rage. He also says that her article is what led to him losing parts and damaging his reputation, but in cross examination it was pointed out that there have been articles about his drunken bad behavior since well before he and Heard ever got together. But all of those were hit pieces as well. According to Depp.

But none of that has swayed the DeppStans. They are sure that he is an innocent lamb abused and maligned by that evil witch Amber Heard. 

Why?

How do you choose sides?

Is it because we have "known" Depp longer? He was Gen X's poster boy for gorgeous weirdo. 21 Jump Street to Edward Scissor Hands to Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas to being able to take our kids to the Pirates movies (the first one at least, even you Stans have to admit the law of diminishing returns on that series set in quickly). We feel like we know this man. 

But we don't. 

We do know that he's an addict. He admits that. And addiction is a nasty disease. Anyone who is an addict or has loved and addict can testify to how personalities change between sober and impaired. I mean, I am a mean drunk. MEAN drunk. Or at least I was. I might not be anymore because I stopped getting drunk a long time ago. Because it makes me mean. So Depp could very well be a mean drunk, and it appears that he was. Doesn't make him a bad person overall, but it does mean that he is a mean drunk.

We also know that he's had a reputation in Hollywood for years for problems with his addiction. Jennifer Gray is releasing her book right now and she touches on her engagement to Depp. She talks about how he was jealous and possessive. Now, that was years ago. People often grow out of behavior like that, but it is another point on the line that he isn't perfect.

But we don't expect him to be right? I mean he can be deeply deeply flawed and still have been a victim. He can be an addict with blackout issues and still have been abused and mistreated. He can have punched one person and not another. He doesn't have to be perfect to believe him.

But she does.

She isn't a good enough victim. She fought back. She was mean. She wasn't passive. She didn't simper in a corner wait for him to sober up. She, for all the stories if we believe him, was really unpleasant. And somehow that means that not only is she not able to be a victim but NO OTHER WOMAN is as well. Or at least it sure makes it hard for "real" victims to speak up. You know, the ones that don't fight back, the ones that passively take the beating, the ones that tell the world it's fine, he's lovely, you just don't know him the way I do. Those victims. The real ones. 

We have a vision in our minds about what a victim looks like. And she doesn't fit that vision. So we discount what she says and we decide that it also damages other victims. The real ones. Which is such bullshit. Even if it comes out that she was the only one in the wrong, that he was the innocent lamb his lawyers and his Stans would like you to believe, that doesn't mean jack shit for anyone else. 

This is why we have a culture that needs a hashtag Believe Women. Because we don't. Not really. If they don't fit the perfect victim mode we dismiss. If the man they are accusing says he didn't do it we tend to side with the man. We have a balancing point of how many victims have to come forward in the case of serial abusers. Too few and it's probably not true, too many and they are just out for money or fame.

If someone tells you they have been abused believe them until you have reason not to. But the reason should be more than "he says he didn't do it."

It puzzles me how people take sides. What they use to weigh in on that judgement.

I think the truth probably is that they were both really damaged individuals whose particular form of damage triggered an escalating response in each other. It was a bad relationship. And you don't have to take my guess on that, you can take the testimony from their marriage counselor. The one that did know both of them. That did hear both sides. And that weighed in that they were both toxic and abusive. 

They can both be awful people. Or at least awful to each other. No sides needed. 

Keep Your Hands to Yourself.

When the news hit about the murder spree in Atlanta I told Brent I was waiting to see if it was a racist or an incel. Because it wasn't just that it was Asian owned businesses that were hit, it was a certain type of business that was hit. Turns out it wasn't an incel, but I was close. 

Seems he had used the businesses in the past and then when he decided he felt too guilty about it the only logical thing to do was to remove the temptation by slaughtering the women who worked there. Instead of, oh I don't know, just stop going?

The Southern Baptist church he attended and was active with removed their social media presence when they realized a member of their flock was the killer. And he was featured on their website. But they aren't in the clear. Taking down their media doesn't change the message they drilled into his head from the time he was a young child. That he wasn't responsible for his own sexual urges. That it was up to women around him to be godly and modest and say no and all of the bullshit that the patriarchy pushes on church going women. 

I've talked about it before. That it was drilled into my head from before puberty. It was my responsibility to make sure that I was "pure" and that I didn't do anything to inflame the lust in the boys. That they were somehow off the hook for their own desires and practices. And you get that message long enough you believe it. He couldn't help himself if they were out there, so he killed them. Problem solved. 

My friends in the UK have been posting about Sarah Everard. She was kidnapped and killed by a police officer. The discussion has featured an awful lot of talk about how she shouldn't have been out walking by herself at night. And what was she wearing? Was she able to run? Did she fight? And again, why was she out after dark?

Well, because the sun had set and she needed to get home. 

But it's not safe for women to do that. We all know it. And it gets reinforced by not only the murdering bastard but by the talk around it that somehow because we all know it we should all accept it. He can't possibly be in control of his murdering urges if she is just out there. Walking. Like she has any right to do that!

Tucker Carlson spent something like 5 minutes talking about Cardi B's and Megan Thee Stallion's performance on the Grammys. Ben Shapiro did multiple shows about WAP when the song and video first came out. Won't someone please think of the children! Well, I didn't watch the Grammys but I've been told in multiple articles about them that Trevor Noah did give a "hey not for kids" warning before their performance. And as a parent you should be paying attention to what your kids are listening to, though I'm not as worried about WAP as I am the violent content in games that they are exposed to. Just my thing. Poor C always had to pass his dad's review on sexual content and mine on violence and he never got to play anything.

With Tucker I guess he kept showing clips from the performance. Now, just my take, but if you are so deeply offended by it and think people shouldn't be watching it why are you showing it? Sounds like the Hyenas shuddering with fear when they hear "Mufasa" then saying...Do it again! 

And poor Ben. He had his wife confirm that nobody gets that wet over sex. It's just not a thing. Aww...Ben, buddy, sorry. But more so poor Dr. Shapiro. I mean, you know she knows that's not true but still says it to make him feel better about his complete lack of sexual appeal. Because women are the ones responsible, right?

Here is a great idea. People need to learn to keep their hands to themselves. If you aren't asked to touch someone, then don't. Especially no murdering. I mean that seems really easy, right? Don't kill anyone. And if you don't want to watch Cardi B work a pole, then don't watch her performances. And if you don't like massage parlors with happy endings, don't use them. Do that instead of slaughtering the people who work there. Keep your fucking hands to yourself. 

Stop judging women as guilty for walking home in the dark. 
For working a job you might not approve of.
For not being ashamed of her sexuality but proud of it and knowing that there are people out there who do want to watch her dance suggestively and scantily clad. Because she's hot. And that's okay. 

We need to make women's sexuality normal instead of making killing them normal. 

We need to make it okay to understand that not everyone is as comfortable with sex as others but that means the uncomfortable one listens to the "not for the kids" warning and understands that a song called Wet Ass Pussy might be a bit much for them. 

Stop putting all of the responsibility on women for men's behavior. 

Just keep your fucking hands to yourself. 

Just Stop Being Dumb.

I am so tired of willfully ignorant people.

Have I written this blog before? 

I might well have but I don't want to go looking. 

Not because I don't want to know, but because the search feature doesn't work well and I would end up spending too much time reading things that don't have anything to do with what I am looking for. 

Which would be apropos of what I am so tired of, but not really what I want to encourage. 

I am a fan of facts. And it's shocking to me when I find out other people aren't. 

Now, I get it, on one level that doesn't really match up with me. I like fiction. I like making things up. I like exploring nuances and tilted world views and multiple ways of looking at things. But at the end of the day, if there is something that is a fact, it's a fact. 

And I am so tired of people thinking that facts are just things to ignore if they don't make you feel right or something to pay attention to only if they come from two select sources, and those sources are not the same as other people's sources, they are your own special sources. 

It's probably the only point that I ever agreed with the MAGAts about. Fuck your feelings. Though they weren't adding the part that I do. Fuck your feelings, this is a fact. They are firm believers in fuck YOUR feelings, but MY fact free feelings are perfectly valid and you should follow them. 

It makes me crazy.

I can remember the first time I posted a fact check for a conservative friend for something they had posted. I had my little Do Gooder Scout badge all shined up. Look at me helping someone out! And then they replied with the whole fact checkers are liars from the left and you can't believe them. Which I was like...no. See? They have references. They showed their work. You can see the original piece. You can see the real deal. It's not like they just posted "You Lied" and moved on. It's all here. But nope...it didn't matter.

I was shocked. 

Now I'm just resigned. 

I know if I post a fact check on a conservative post it will be dismissed and ignored. I often do it anyway because I figure anyone else reading the thread should know when I say, "that's wrong" I have a reason for saying that. And it's because...well...it's wrong. Facts matter.

Now we have the Trumpublicans trying to wish away the insurrection. It wasn't that big of a deal. It wasn't Trump's fault. It might not have even happened... When less than a month ago they were all singing a different song. There was a bright and shining moment where they actually believed what was in front of them. But then it was gone. Hell, Kevin McCarthy has now completely forgotten he even spoke out against QAnon repeatedly on camera and now he's pretending he hasn't even heard of them.

We also have voices from the left and the right trying to blame Biden for things or say he said things that he didn't or why hasn't he fixed everything yet, I mean he's been president for two whole weeks! 

Remember how much I hate the first 100 days nonsense? Now we are at the first 100 hours. If you haven't fixed everything by your first fortnight in office you are a failure. Oh my god...it doesn't work that way. You know it doesn't work that way. Hell, most of us can't even fix smaller problems in our own lives in two weeks let alone the big issues in the country.

Just stop being dumb. 

Or I should say willfully dumb. 

Dumb is fixable. Willfully dumb is a choice. 

And I don't expect all of us to view the world the same way. I don't expect us all to agree on everything all the time. It's just not the way the world works. And that's great. It would be a boring place to live if we all were in lock step all the time. But there should be a firm foundation of facts that we all can agree on. What you do with those facts can be different for sure. But people said something or the other or people did something or the other or this thing actually happened. That should all be easy. 

But it's not. 

If you can't make your argument without lying. Or developing amnesia about what you have said in the past. Or dismissing any actual facts that others show you, then you have a lousy argument. Work on it. Get back to me. 

Unless you are Kevin McCarthy and then I just have to say...who? I don't think I know you...

The Boogeyman...

What do you do when the boogeyman is dead? It's a question I asked a friend when Osama bin Laden was finally captured and killed. We had spent so much time being afraid of him, of wanting some sort of justice for what he did, when it happened there was a feeling of relief from all of us. The United States and a lot around the world. But then there was also a feeling of...what do you do now?

Because killing Osama bin Laden didn't stop the terrorist activity. It didn't get us out of the two wars were fighting at the time. It took out one man, and he was still very much involved and recruiting, but others stepped up. It kept going. 

I feel like that about Trump leaving office. We've spent four years resisting. We've spent four years feeling helpless as he dismantled things we thought were important. We've spent four years working toward yesterday. And now...

I made it really clear four years ago that the person I was voting for in the 2020 election was the democrat. I didn't care who it was. I was Blue No Matter Who from the start. And Biden wouldn't have been my choice if I had been the one to decide. But I think he might have been the best choice for what needed done. 

I think Trump would have won if we hadn't had the pandemic and he hadn't handled it so poorly. 

I think he might still have won if the Republicans could have found something more to try and pin on Biden than the Bernie material they had been working on thinking it would be Bernie. 

Biden is non-threatening enough to win over the moderates. Biden is empathetic enough to make those that are grieving feel heard. Biden is Democrat enough to make those that were Blue No Matter Who happy. 

And now he's got his mission, he wants to bring unity. He wants to go back to a time where you could disagree without hate. 

I'm not sure he will be able to. 

I mean he's going to work towards it but...

Seventy four million people voted for Trump. Now, not all of them bought into the whole rigged election nonsense. But a good portion of them did. And right now, as we speak, we have the Right Wing Media and certain Republican politicians trying to get them worked up that in his speech calling for unity Biden called them all racists. Well, no, he said we need to fight against racism and white supremacy. He didn't call you anything. Are you self selecting the deplorable basket again?

There isn't a lot to gain for them in unity. In disagreeing on policy without villainizing the other side. Because if you are judged strictly on your policy you might lose some of those 74 million who realize they would benefit from some of the policy choices on the left. 

Trump might have been the boogeyman, the figurehead, but voting him out doesn't end that strain of Trumpublicans. Cult45 is still out there. They are looking for a new figurehead, and there are plenty trying to step into that space. 

Jumping right to a death threat when you disagree with someone didn't start with Trump and it's not just a Cult45 thing. Being threatened with rape for being a woman with an opinion didn't start with Trump and it's not just a Cult45 thing. Seeing people who disagree with you as less than you didn't start with Trump and it's not just a Cult45 thing. It's naïve to think it will end with him losing an election. And again, an election he never admitted he lost, and a large part of the Republican base and all of Cult45 believes he didn't.

They believe something was stolen from them and so they aren't looking to find peace and unity.

And it's not just the Right that isn't ready to make nice. I've talked about it too. There is no moving forward without accountability. You want to pretend the last two months didn't happen? That it wasn't completely ridiculous that the not even that close election should be contested at all? That the past year where you decided that wearing a mask, socially distancing, treating a deadly virus seriously was somehow against your politics? Let alone the embracing of the radical right that's happening. You know, the part where if someone speaks out against racism and domestic terrorism and white supremacists your feelings are hurt because you think it's speaking out against you? Why would you think that? I don't ever think people are talking about me when they talk about the Karens and the Beckys out there being vile white women. You know why? Because I don't do those things. 

I'm not ready to make nice. 

I'd like to be. 

It's who I used to be.

I used to believe in the common space we all held.

I used to believe we were more alike than we were different. 

But I'm not sure I do anymore.

Because you followed the boogeyman into the scary places and liked it there. 

He might have been chased out from under the bed but you are still lurking in the closet. 

So the boogeyman has gone to Florida and we are left with a nation divided. What happens next?

I knew what I was doing four years ago. 

What happens next?

Hmmm...

Now it's Monday and I'm not really any less stumped than I was yesterday. I've got a few threads in my head that are vying for space, but nothing really cohesive just yet. 

It's still tied to the insurrection last week. To the fact that we are still nine days away from inauguration and Trump keeps plowing along. He's making new rules, firing more people, trying to enshrine others in to protected positions, he's looking at heading to Texas to tout his wall though he's going to do it a the fucking Alamo. Tell me he's not going for the Remember the Alamo martyr bullshit there.

Democrats are calling for Impeachment since there is no way Pence and the Cabinet (what's left of it) are going to invoke the 25th. And REALLY no way he will swallow his pride and resign. I mean he still needs to issue the pardons for his family and himself, no chance he risks leaving before that's done. 

Hawley and Cruz and the rest of the Republicans who lent credence to the completely false claims that the election was rigged are still in Congress. Still holding positions of authority in our government. In the freaking legislative branch. You know, legislative...laws. The part that deals with fucking rules. They still sit there. 

There are still a lot of people who are sure the election was stolen from them. Because people in positions of authority told them it was. And still say weasel words around it. Cruz especially with the weasel words. He's a lawyer so he tried his best to make sure what he said was in the "people believe" realm instead of in the "this for sure happened" world. But when you want to hear someone verify your version of the truth, you hear what you want to hear. 

And, of course, we have those Republicans and some Democrats, who don't want to pursue any charges against Trump and his minions in the spirit of unity. It's time to reconcile, dontchaknow?

You know what needs to be the first step toward any reconciliation? Admission of wrong doing. Truly. There is no path to unity if one side refuses to admit they were wrong. If Lindsey Graham wants to hold hands and sing kumbaya now he has to apologize for the past few months of screaming about how something was stolen that wasn't. You cannot accuse me of taking something from you, that you knew all along I didn't take, then when you realized I wasn't going to give you what you wanted decide we should now work together, without apologizing for the accusation. 

They were wrong. And not just wrong, like they made a mistake, wrong like they were fully aware that they were lying to the American public and were doing it cravenly and kept it up just in case it might work or more likely so it would cripple the incoming administration and taint it as dishonest from the start. 

They did that knowing it wasn't true. 

They did that fully aware of the damage they were causing. 

They did that and now without apology they want to move on. For the sake of the country.

Fuck that shit.

I mean that sincerely and deeply. 

And I honestly hope that democrats do a very undemocrat like thing and hold them to account. I know it's against everything Biden normally believes but he and his administration need to bring these people to some sort of justice. 

It needs to happen. 

I don't want unity or reconciliation with a party that does not understand or admit what they've done is wrong. Because that's not reconciliation, that's denial. And we've had enough denial. Denial is what has gotten us to this point. Denying our past. Denying our problems. Denying the truth we should have been able to hear before we all had cameras on our phones. 

So much denial.

And until we, all of us we, both sides of the aisle and those not represented by either side, stop denying our problems, stop blaming others for our issues, start apologizing for our wrongs and more importantly working to make them right, there will be no unity.

So if you really want that; if you are truly ready for reconciliation and unity then it's time to work for it. 

And part of the work is clearing out those that are in the way. Get them to resign, if they won't resign see if they can be impeached or recalled, if they can't be impeached or recalled then sideline them. No committees. No interviews on talk shows about how they are so persecuted. No attention. And for fuck's sake do not vote for them to come back. 

If that doesn't happen then we know you were never serious about reconciliation or unity. You just wanted everyone to move forward and pretend everything is fine. 

It's not fine. 

Last week should have showed you that in stark relief. 

So yeah, I'm still a little stumped, and I'm not really bring tidy little cohesive blogs to life right now, but I think that's normal. I think that's okay. I think we should all be a little uncertain right now. Because as the ancient ones have said...This Shit is Bananas.

Sedition?

Remember yesterday when I wrote that Trump hadn't broken us yet?

Those were such hopeful times...

But wait, first off, let's talk about the good. I was wrong! Wrong! I love that I was wrong! I honestly thought that Georgia would be able to suppress enough votes and enough people would think it was too big of a hassle and enough Republicans would vote to keep the Senate red. BUT NO! It looks like, and it's not official yet, but it looks like both seats were won by Democrats. Holy smokes...Mitch McConnell is going to lose his Majority Leader able to block every single fucking thing power. Wow...

Now I am not naïve by any shot and I know he is still going to be able to make things much more difficult than we'd like, but this is actually huge. Democrats have all three branches of the government, at least for the next two years. There is a chance for some actual change to happen. I am so pleased.

Or, you know, I was. Right up to the part where the current President of the United States of America incited a crowd to storm the Capitol in a seditious act. 

What. The. Actual. Fuck?

I mean, we knew he was doing it. We all heard him tell the Proud Boys to Stand Back and Stand Down. We've seen his twitter feed for the past two months. He's been encouraging this uprising. He's been stroking his own ego with their praise. He's got them convinced that something has been STOLEN from them instead of them just losing. Because how in the world could he have lost? They never saw a single Biden voter in their boat parades or truck patrols or maskless rallies. So how could it be? 

Which makes me so crazy. I've talked about it before. When Trump won in 2016 we liberals were told we had to get out of our bubbles. That the reason why we were shocked was because we never took the time to get out of our echo chambers and see that other people didn't feel the same way. That somehow those 80K votes in Electoral College wins meant more than the 3M votes Clinton won the popular vote by. We needed to see them. 

When Biden won 7M more votes AND the Electoral College votes he needed suddenly it wasn't about the Republicans getting out of their bubbles and understanding that a lot of people think Trump is just awful. Oh no, it was I don't know anyone who voted for Biden so it must not have happened. 

And instead of accepting the loss, even if you don't think Clinton did it graciously enough, he claimed he didn't lose. And there was SO MUCH PROOF. They will tell you this over and over. SO MUCH PROOF. But when asked in the courts to show that proof they had nothing. Cruz decided that so many people think it was a rigged election that it really needed a commission to look into it, because so many people wouldn't believe something for no reason, right? No, so many people think it's rigged because you all keep telling them it was. That's why. It wasn't rigged. It wasn't fraudulent. Only legal votes were counted. The lower courts, fucking Bill Barr, all of the Republican led states where he lost, the Supreme Court, all of them came to the same conclusion. Trump lost. 

But Trump didn't agree.

So he told Cult45 that he didn't lose. That it was stolen. That those evil democrats in the deep state were at it again. That they needed to be stopped.

And they believed him.

He told them to come to Washington on January 6th and he'd see them there. Then he told them to march on the Capitol where the election was being certified. 

And they did. 

And right now they have stormed the Capitol. Our Federal representatives are in lock down. Do you think the ones who decided to play appease the toddler and protest the results feel any shame? Yeah, me either. 

I have no idea how bad it's going to get today. 

I have no idea how bad it's going to get over the next few years. 

I just know it's going to be bad. Worse than today. This was just the first big taste. 

So... for now we've got a republic, let's see if we can keep it. 

Oh Please...

Both sides do it has been changed to both sides would do it. So at least they've recognized a little bit of the bullshit.

And yes, it's bullshit. 

First it's bullshit because no, both sides don't do it. There is a marked difference between what the two sides do. One side tends to wring their hands and worry about fairness and what people will think. The other side changes terms and moves goal posts and explains why it's totally different when anyone not wanting to be willfully ignorant can see that it's not. 

Second it's bullshit because it's a nonsense argument. It's not one parents accept from children, "Susie did it." Who cares? You aren't Susie and I'm not Susie's mother so you are still grounded. It's not something we would accept from a spouse, "Everyone cheats." It's not something we should use to justify our own hypocrisy. 

So stop it. It's a bullshit argument. What you mean is I do what I do and fuck you for expecting anything else.

And now...

Democratic Party Members, I'm speaking to you...

Stop expecting the Republicans to play by any sort of fair play rules. It's not going to happen. 

I've talked about this being one of the most frustrating parts of the Obama presidency for me. The man kept thinking that Republicans were honorable in their intention. They weren't. They never intended on being that way. They only wanted to shut him down. Lucy and the football. 

Republicans will use what ever levers of power they have at their disposal to make things work for them. 

Democrats need to do the same. 

Stop being concerned about how it looks. Or is it fair. Or it's not the right way to do it. 

If in the next election a giant blue wave comes (and I hope it does) and Congress and the White House are all blue then you need to move on those laws like a bitch. Grab them by the legislature and make some changes. Don't wait to ask. Just pop that tic tac and go for it. And if you have all the levers, and you do your research first, they'll have to let you because you have the power. 

When they go low we go high is a great aspiration that leaves you sitting at the top of a tree while someone cuts it out from under you.

Stop worrying about a game being played fairly when the people you think you are playing against are not playing that game. 

Republicans gerrymandered their districts so hard that they are now beholden to the most conservative wing of their party. They know if they try to go moderate they will be primaried out. They did it to themselves. It's why you get national polling on things like sensible gun laws but a Congress who won't vote for them. They know that it doesn't matter if the majority of people (Republicans and Democrats) want the laws, what matters is their extremists are the ones that turn out for primaries. They will do the same with Roe v. Wade, with LGBTQ+ rights, with regulations, with tax cuts, the most extreme parts of the party are the ones electing them. They will not get more moderate. 

Stop expecting them to.

Progressives need to progress. We need to move forward. We need to get some actual protections in place written by sound legal minds so they can't be overturned by an increasingly ultra conservative judiciary. And the next time progressives hold all the levers we need to stop worrying about how it looks and pull those son's of bitches!

I'm honestly in fear for the continuation of our country as we know it, even if the way we know it right now isn't great it's better than it could get. 

I don't know what happens in November.

I think it will be bad no matter which way it goes.

But for fuck's sake, vote blue and let's at least give saving it a try!

An Excuse is Not a Plan...

"God has a plan."

I will either roll my eyes or set my jaw depending on when I hear it. 

It's one of the first things that broke the armor of religious belief for me. The fist chink in the wall. The first crack in the dam.

I was baptized at a very young age for my church. It's not a baptizing babies religion, it's a baptism when the person is old enough to understand what they are doing. The belief is that children are innocent and if they were to die they'd go right to heaven. But at 5 or 6 I was ready. I told my minister that I knew the difference between right and wrong and so if he didn't baptize me if I died I would go to hell. He couldn't argue with me on the point and I was baptized.

So then when we were in Bible study sessions and I would ask questions that he had no answers for and I would get the "God has a plan" pat response I would nod and think okay. God has a plan. Which worked until I was maybe 10 or 11. And then I started to ask more questions with much bigger consequences in my mind. What happens to people that our missionaries don't reach? Do they all go to hell? God has a plan. Why did that earthquake happen and all of those people died? God has a plan. Why? God has a plan.

And I would go back and forth on it. God has a plan, that's great. It means everything is working just fine no matter what it seems like from my view. But if God has a plan then why do we have free will? Because if He knows what's going to happen, and it's all already designed then we really don't have free will right? We are just toys He's moving around a board until we get to the end game. His plan. 

And then finally, what sort of plan has children dying from cancer? What sort of plan has entire populations starving to death? Who makes a plan where entire communities are burned to the ground by a lightning strike? Which then you get the argument for a lot of it, that God didn't do that, people did that. But God did do that if he has a plan. God did make that happen if all of the bad, shitty, horrible stuff that happens is part of his plan. 

Why, if you were an omnipotent being, why would you need to kill a child to bring their parents to believing in your comfort? Why, if you were an omnipotent being, would you need to wreck a person's life with drug and alcohol addictions just so they could see The Light and minister to other people with drug and alcohol addictions? Why don't you make a plan where everyone is fed, and healthy, and not addicted, and not killing each other and not dying from diseases that can't be treated? I mean, how about that being your plan?

And of course, that's met with, we don't know why he does these things, but he has a plan.

Why would you vote for Trump? He's amoral. He's not a decent human. 

Well god has a plan. 

Why would that plan include you voting for a person like Trump?

It has never made sense. It never will make sense. 

God has a plan is either used for comfort, which is the most benign use. Or it's used for an excuse which is lazy and despicable.

If you never have to worry about actually doing the right thing then you don't ever have to do the right thing. It's up there with people who do shitty things and then say, "Only god can judge me!" Nah, we are all judging you. Stop doing shitty things. 

I know that thinking god has a plan gave my parents comfort when three of their children died. I know it brought my mother comfort when Dad died before her, on her birthday. And I am grateful for that comfort. 

But I don't believe it. And if I did I would have to say it was a terrible plan. My parents were already devout, killing two babies and 6 year old did not make them better Christians. And that's what it would have to have been, right? If their deaths were part of god's plan, he would have killed them. That's a plan. 

Or there was no plan. It was a horrible tragedy. Sometimes children die and we just have to keep going. It's not part of a plan, but it is part of life.

So yeah, when I read that "god has a plan" I will either roll my eyes and keep my mouth shut because it is being used to give someone comfort or I will clench my jaw and walk away because someone is using it as an excuse.