Have a Little Grace...

Brent and I had a conversation this weekend about how little grace there is anymore. In all situations. It was triggered as we were driving someplace and witnessed at least a half dozen near miss accidents. Everyone is super aggressive on the road right now. For awhile it seemed as though it was residual hangover from the isolation time in the early pandemic. People who were out driving got used to having a lot of road to themselves. They could (and did) drive faster without much worry about other cars. Once more and more cars came back on to the road those that had gotten used to the space seemed to resent it pretty heavily. 

But it's more than that. There is this sense of taking it personally if someone gets ahead of you on the road. Like if you let someone merge into traffic ahead of you, you lost. That if someone needs to join the roadway from a driveway they are just a big old loser who should have never gone in the driveway in the first place. And heaven forfend if it's a Subaru with a Love is Love bumper sticker trying to merge into traffic with a truck flying a Don't Tread on Me flag. Then it really is personal.

And it's not just in driving. 

You see it with a lot of interactions right now. People come in to them with the assumption that the person they are speaking with has ill intent. Or is an idiot. Or is actually evil. It makes it impossible to reach any sort of resolution to problems and turns things that aren't problems into problems.

And most of the time just a little grace, not even kindness but just neutrality can temper a situation. 

I've been dealing with a lot of contractors lately. And a lot of them don't call back or are not exactly timely with work estimates. I have to keep reminding myself that they aren't trying to piss me off. They are just extremely busy right now. Sometimes it works. And I can say that the times I am understanding when talking with people scheduling work or calling to tell me that work has to be rescheduled the response I get from them is amazing. Like not me being overly kind, but just me saying, okay, sure, we can push that out to Wednesday. The relief that they aren't getting yelled at is palpable. And it's not like me yelling at them would make the part come quicker, or the schedule free up sooner, all it would do is make us both like each other a little less. 

Just a little grace could solve a lot of issues. Don't assume people have bad intent.

And for the rest a huge dose of Mind Your Own Business would be helpful.

So many issues out there in the world don't have anything to do with the people debating them. The people getting most riled up about them. The level of wanting to control other people is amazing. 

You see it in debates around abortion. It's a private medical decision that is nobody's business but the person going through the pregnancy, possibly their partner, and a medical professional. That's it. That's the circle. And as I said, the partner is only a possibly not a definitely. Because you and I don't know what the situation is with that partner, because it's none of our business. Abortion rights are privacy rights. Medical and bodily autonomy rights. And that's what bodily autonomy really boils down to, mind your own business. The Dirty Dancing move...my space...your space. Keep to your space.

It holds true with LGBTQIA+ issues as well. Sexuality, gender, presentation, none of that is anyone's business but the person who is dealing with it. If someone asks you to use different pronouns or a different name it does not hurt you at all to do so. It is not any different than Susie growing up and wanting to go by Susan. "She's changing her name from Kitty to Karen." It's none of your business. It doesn't affect you in the slightest. 

Stop thinking the world revolves around you and your comfort zone. It doesn't. Ask yourself the simple question, how does this hurt me? Then follow it up with the question, If someone else told me this excuse would I roll my eyes and think, get over yourself? And generally that gives you the mind your own business framework. 

There are things that other people do that do affect you. Those things you should put your energy toward. There are people out there who have proven themselves to not be worthy of the benefit of the doubt. Don't show them any grace. 

Now, I know you are saying, but what about speaking for others? Fighting for rights that don't pertain to you? 

For instance marriage equality. I'm in a heterosexual marriage. Gay marriage doesn't affect me, right? Ah, but see, taking away rights always affects us all. Because none of us are free until all of us are free. 

It does affect me to see rights limited. We should not be taking away rights. 

It's why I will tell you over and over that I am all for comedians being able to say what ever they want under First Amendment guidelines. You should be free from government persecution to tell your jokes. I'm also for consequences of actions. And if what you are saying is hurtful to a community that is already facing real issues, and you are just normalizing being a dick to them? Well I think venues should feel free not to hand you a microphone. It's why I won't buy a ticket to go see you. Or to go see people who are featuring you. (specific example there, I know, but he's the face of anti-trans sentiment right now so he gets the spotlight, so to speak)

And now my gun people speak up, oh but what about the right to bear arms? I'm not one who wants to take that away. I have family that hunts. I have friends and family that live in remote areas where a call to the police would never matter if they needed protection right then. As I mentioned yesterday I am not positive I trust the police to protect me anyway. And they don't have to. (Look it up, they don't have to protect you, that's not their job.) So I own guns myself. BUT...I do think that we need to lean a little more into the responsibility part of that right. The Second Amendment has a whole clause that certain people ignore. The well regulated part. I'm all for tying your right with your responsibility. You want to be a "good guy with a gun" or a "responsible gun owner" or any of the other blahblahblah that comes out around these topics then argue for more regulation.

Where does this hurt me? I think the better question is how does it not hurt you to see another classroom of children slaughtered?

So there you have it. Another core piece.

Give a little grace to people. Go into situations, if not pleasantly, at least neutral. 
Mind your own business. If it's not your business, don't fight against it. 

and then flip that...

Those who have shown they don't have good intentions do not deserve any grace. Fuck them.
If someone is losing a right, or is unsafe, or needs an ally, then it becomes your business. Fight for them like you would for yourself. 

It's always a balancing act, and I don't always get it right, but that's my baseline try. Show grace, mind my own business. And be prepared to not do either if the situation deserves it.