Easing In...

I always wonder if it's better to know you are crazy or to not know and just think you're normal.

I tend to land on the side of better to know, because I like to know things, and also because that way I feel like I can feign control of the things that seem out of control at times.

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We decorate for Christmas after Thanksgiving. I'm not an early goer normally. This year I considered it, Thanksgiving was really late, lights and glitter make people happy and we could use more happy in the world. But I just wasn't prepared to have Thanksgiving by the light of the Christmas tree so I didn't.

The day after Thanksgiving Brent started to bring up the Christmas decorations and I started to put all of my normal things away to get ready and...

The boxes sat untouched.

I asked Christopher if he cared about helping decorate and he didn't.

Brent had a nasty cold all last week so I wasn't going to let him decorate the outside.

So all of the things sat untouched.

Sunday night Christopher went back to Bend, Monday morning Brent went to California. Two days on my own to get Christmas knocked out. It takes a good few hours to get it all out and set up and arranged just so.

Last night I had done...well...none of it.

I just couldn't find it in me to do it all.

Just sat and stared at all of the things thinking, do I want to?

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Yesterday I spent a good chunk of the day watching MasterClasses. My subscription was going to run out today and I wanted to get through the couple of instructors they had added the end of November. This morning I realized that I should have written a blog yesterday because it was my last chance at a five star day. (Stars for goals, it's been my way of tracking my goals for the past few years) The most I can get without the MasterClass star (which is now unavailable) is four. I didn't write Sunday or Monday so zero five star days in December.

Bummer.

And odd that I didn't really think about it earlier. Because, please believe, I would have written something just to get those two five star days. I think because I'm not doing anything next year though I've already started to transition into not thinking about constantly reaching for that star.

Maybe.

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Last week when I was talking to Skippy on definitely not her birthday because I could see the calendar right in front of me while we talked, we talked about not watching the news. She has been on a massive road trip for the past 6 months and has been disconnected from most of the news and the daily politics and has loved it. Which I totally get. When we went to Hawaii last month it was during the start of the impeachment hearings and not having to deal with the onslaught of coverage was so nice.

Because nothing changes. Not really. I mean I told you ages ago that Trump will be impeached but not removed. Next month or whenever they get to it he will be impeached but not removed. You see the Republicans changing their defense daily trying to find what will stick, but they don't really care what they are saying, they have made up their minds. The other side is the same. I've listened to a lot of people try to tell me what Trump did was bad, sure, but impeachable? Nah. And I think, you are high. I mean, honestly, I read the Mueller report, he should have been impeached before but it was too complicated for people to easily understand and when Barr lied about what it said that was that for most Republicans. They didn't read it. They think it exonerated him. I did. It doesn't. This is not the first impeachable thing he's done.

But it doesn't matter. Nothing changes.

In 2016 I practically made myself sick trying to get people to pay attention. Conservatives who thought Trump would be fine. Liberals who didn't want me to talk about the Supreme Court because who cares? Well now they care...and every time Ruth Bader Ginsburg gets sick we all feel that stomach drop. Because you should have cared last election cycle and you didn't. So Garland doesn't sit on the bench and Gorsuch and I LIKE BEER! do.

So yeah, I'm thinking that I might sit this cycle out a bit.

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So then...today I started to think. Uh oh.

I don't want to decorate for Christmas.
I'm already unconcerned with finishing my 2019 goals.
I don't care about keeping up with politics next year.

Is this okay or is this a little bit of a depressive swing biting around the edges? I mean, I've been worried about it since Mom died. What is normal sad on a normal day and what is the start of a bad swing? And if it's a bad swing would I notice it? I mean I know when I'm full manic, and I know when I'm not. Even if I don't really have big swings, I know the difference. But what is this? Is this crazy or is this normal?

Which let's face it, my normal is slightly crazy.

So I wonder, is it better to know you are crazy and not be able to do anything to stop it or is it better to think you are normal and not notice when you get crazy?

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Today I put out some of the decorations. I think a few are good this year. I don't want the really busy crowded Christmas this year.

Because my mother was the Queen of Christmas clutter. So much stuff. Inside and outside. And this year I'd really rather not have that, but that's a totally normal reaction. The year after Dad died we had a quiet Christmas as well. 

And I read a few things on the latest impeachment news because that's moving forward. And I really think I should be an informed citizen to make sure that I'm not a gullible one.

And I'm writing a blog because four stars is better than three. And if I were to review the workbook I printed out from the last MasterClass that would actually count (my game, my rules) so I could get five today.

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So right now I think I'm fine. I think everything is a perfectly normal response to a crazy world. But I still wanted to write it all down and look at it to make sure. And keep track. And hope. 

Which is better?